#my dad got admitted to the ic with a heart attack (and didn't survive)

[throwing-roses-into-the-abyss]

fingers crossed that at the very least I won't have to go to the hospital or the funeral home for whatever reason for at least like. one full year. I hope the universe can grant me this much at least.

[mercenary-jake-muller]

Fanart By Vanadise:

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Jake Muller's Journal || Entry 01

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November 12, 2019

"I hate days like these.

These types of days where I don't have to do shit. Just sit around all day and not do a damn thing.

People say I should relax more and sure, I like to relax some days. Hell, I need to sometimes, but what I hate is having to relax or sit around for too long. I always gotta do something or I just don't feel right, you know? I always think if I stay in one place for too long then there's a chance I can get attacked and hit the dirt as a forever resting place. Maybe it's the merc in me makin' me feel this way... Always on edge. Always in danger.

Since I got nothin' to do, I guess I'll just keep writing in this journal. 

God, I'm not really good at this shit--writing my thoughts down... Well whatever. Here goes nothing.

It's fuckin' cold outside. It's so cold that I could have freaking ice cycles comin' out my nose. While I was outside, my eye lashes were practically frozen together. I had bits of snowflakes all over me and my fingers were so cold that it hurt to move 'em when I needed to. Well, to be honest, the cold never really bothered me 'cause I grew up in it, yeah? Had no heating system when I was growing up. I only had my own body heat and one or two torn up blankets. When I was a little older, my mom would always try to make me get her blanket, too, but I would refuse 'cause I didn't want to make her freeze to death. I remember when I was real young, before she got sick, she would lie to me and tell me she didn't need any blankets to keep her warm. I'd always wake up in the middle of the night and check on her only to find her shakin' like a leaf, curled in her bed. I'd go grab all of my blankets and throw 'em on her and I wouldn't leave her side till she'd stop shakin'. Then I'd lay down on the floor and stay there with her during the rest of the night to make sure she didn't freeze  anymore. I didn't mind being cold if it meant she would be warm enough to sleep. After all, she worked all day, everyday, and I would be at home most of the time.

I'm in some fancy hotel room. The place is pretty nice and has air conditioning and running electricity and honestly it's way too fancy for me. There was a fuckin' towel folded up as a penguin on my bed. Like the hell? Who the hell gives a shit about what their towel looks like? Just give it to me so I can use it to dry off. The walls are all a dark red, the floor is a pale, tanned colored carpet, and the doors are the same color as the carpet. There's three fancy paintings of flowers and some of the other buildings that can be found in the town hangin' up in the bedroom, bathroom, and small lounging area. The bed has tan bed sheets and pillow cases and the blanket is a dark red-- almost the same color as the walls. There's a television placed on the dresser across from the foot of my bed, but I'm not gonna bother watching it. Never liked watching television, anyway. There's a big window on the right side of my bed. The drapes are the same color as the walls and the glass on the outside has frost covering most of it.

I'm only stayin' in this place 'cause a lady I was working for told me she was gonna pay for my stay while I'm in this small town. I finished a job for her two days ago. Had to kill some high and mighty prick who thought he'd win a mayor election by sending BOW's out to terrorize the town. He thought he could win by sending out military personnel to dispose of the monsters and pretend that he was the good guy. I hate people like that, who pretend to be somethin' they aren't just to get something they want. I'm not sure when I'll be getting another job. That's why I'm not leaving yet. Hopefully I'll get one soon so I can get the hell outta here and start movin' again. These jobs take me all over the world and I think I enjoy seeing the sights, culture, and people as much as I like taking up assignments. I really love tryin' new food and drinks, like different types of coffee.

Damn, coffee sounds good right about now...

Just sat down on my bed and got me a cup of black coffee while I was up. Took a quick shower to warm me up, too, and I kinda felt bad messin' up the penguin towel. Wonder how long it took the staff to fold it like that? Well, whatever. I bet they already have tons of others made that way, too. They gotta wash and dry the towels anyway. Got my pajamas on, also. Just a pair of navy blue, cotton pants. I never wear a shirt cause it's just uncomfortable wearing one when I sleep. Doesn't matter how cold it is, I still get too hot and sweat like a dog.

What else to write...?

...

Lookin' outside the window now as I gulp down my drink. It makes me warm up from the inside and so do a few memories. On days like these, where I don't have to do anything, all sorts of memories flood to the front of my mind. Good ones, bad ones... 

All of 'em. 

Used to, when I'd look out of a window while it was snowing, the snow would always remind me of my mom--and it still does, sometimes. Though, now when I see the snow... It reminds me of Sherry. It reminds me of the first day we met and how we had to survive together. I thought she was a preppy, know-it-all bitch who couldn't do a damn thing, but man, did she prove me wrong. She could beat the shit outta anyone and anything that got in her way and I bet she would have done the same to me if she had to. 

I remember when Ustanak, the crazy fucker, had shot down our helicopter and we landed in the snow. Somehow, we had survived the fall even though our parachute had gotten torn by the metal debris. I had blacked out and woken up to Sherry laying on top of me. My brain woke up real quick when I had lifted my hand to find it was covered in blood and I hurriedly got myself out from under her. My heart was pounding rapidly against my chest and a cold sweat came over me as I began to panic when I saw she had a piece of metal sticking out of her back. On the inside, I was freaking out 'cause some chick I just met was about to die in front of me. I kept thinking how it should have been me who should have had the shrapnel lodged into my back. Not her. Not some innocent woman. I doubt she had done anything bad in her life, while I had done all kinds of horrible shit...

She surprised me when she told me to pull it out of her and I thought she was nuts when she just begged me to do it. So I did. I pulled the thing outta her, tossed it to the side, and as I was about to start ripping pieces of clothing to make some sort of bandage, I was shocked to find her skin and muscles pulling themselves back together.

I gotta admit, that shit freaked me the hell out. 

After a while I got used to it. It was just part of her and something that helped formed her personality. I think she hated having it, though. Probably 'cause it reminded her of her parents and the shit she had to go through as a kid.  I never asked her about it, though.

I hope she's doing okay these days. Hopefully she isn't doin' anything stupid or getting herself into trouble. It's been seven years since I've last seen or heard from her. ...I wonder if she even remembers me. Well if she doesn't then it won't bother me. I couldn't care less if she remembers me or not. 

....

F U C K !

I spilled my fuckin' coffee all over me and my journal-! Son of a fuckin' bitch! Damn this shit burns like he--

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The coffee has dried finally and now I can end this entry. God dammit. Didn't think I'd get so  sidetracked while thinkin' about Supergirl. Spilled my own drink all over me and I had to change my pants. Now there's a big coffee stain over a few pages. Oh well. So long as I can still write in this thing. That's all that matters to me. 

Well, the sun is goin' down and I think I'm gonna get some shut eye. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get a new client so I don't have to stay here and get stuck in my memories for too long.

Jake Muller"

《You find some extra writing on the back of the page. It appears to have been scribbled over by three continuous, messy lines.》

"I need to stop thinking about her. Need to stop worrying about her so much. I'm sure she's doin' fine and has some pretty boy helping her out and giving her everything she could wish for. You can't give her everything she wants and you sure as hell can't stay by her side cause you gotta work. You don't wanna be like dad and leave her alone for the rest of her life... Besides, you're not good enough for her. She needs someone better than you. Time to move on, Jake....Even if you can't stop thinking about her. Dammit...

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