thatgenderfluidrat · 3 years ago
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Dear Reader,
I wasn't going to post seeing as I've had stuff take a heavy toll on my mental health today, but maybe posting will help me feel better.
R A N T
So last week I broke my phone, and was in some high stress situations for me, and I decided the break from social media I had gotten was nice. No drama for the most part, or so I thought.
I was wrong. I got bullied at school. Finals are coming up. I ended up in the ER. All things that made me pretty upset, but still trying to push through. I think today was probably the worst of all.
I got my new phone today, and everything was going fine up until I got home with it. I was happy of course, to have a phone and to be able to talk to friends again. To come back to this account, which I now consider my safe space. So Im happy for a while, checking through my socials, then i get called into my roommates parents room.
The look on their step dad's face was a mix of disappointment and anger, so I asked if I was in trouble. They make me come into their bedroom, and I get lectured about lying. I lied about going to school on Friday of last week. I was on the verge of a breakdown and was already suffering from severe sensory overload. So when they got home, I lied because I was already overwhelmed and not able to think clearly.
So, we talk about that. He threatens to kick me out if I keep lying to them, which I have never lied to them otherwise. I'm crying a few minutes into this talk, and he says he forgives me but it better not happen again. Half an hour later, I come back to my bedroom tired from crying. I figured I should check on my main insta page since I haven't been on it in a week.
My stomach did a flip as I see 5 comments on a post I made with my face from 5 different people, telling me how ugly I was. Even though I just got my phone back today after not having a phone for a week due to breaking my other one, I wanted to shut my phone off and just leave all social media.
Im bullied at school a lot despite being a senior there, and I sure as hell wasn't expecting to find that on my personal page when I worked up the confidence to post a video of my face. Im not gonna lie, seeing the comment saying "Ew" hurt and made me want to burst into tears again.
I'm not the best looking person, and I'm not the most interested, but I do have a good heart. I don't understand why people are like this, or why I have to endure teasing and bullying almost daily just because I'm a bit different. I don't know if maybe they're hurting too, or maybe they're just insecure, but I'm not angry. I am sad though. I don't know if for myself, or the people who choose to spew hate. For the uneducated in this world who have something missing in their lives.
Trigger Warning ⚠️ S/h mentions
I wouldn't be lying if I said I hadn't thought about relapsing and hurting myself. I really don't want to do that though and seem weak to people. I'm also going to be honest and say I've decided to delete my insta account and just start fresh with a new one, with new people. One where I won't show my face. It's supposed to comfort me I guess, and it's working but I also wish I had the strength to build tougher skin, not just physical strength.
Having said that though... I am proud of myself. Seeing as tomorrow, I'll give my first speech ever. I'm going to be giving a speech to school nurses in the area about self-injury and mental health. It's not huge, but it's a step in the right direction I believe. Maybe if I can learn to help others, it'll make me stop wanting to hurt myself.
Anyway, I'm feeling better now, Reader. If you read this far, I sincerely appreciate it. I know I'm just a face behind the screen, but I'm human. I have feelings. Ambitions. Hopes and dreams. It may not mean anything to you, but to see and believe that I'm making progress gives me the strength to keep going. I'm just hoping everything gets better.
- Eli ✨
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365daysoftododeku · 6 years ago
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19th February 2019
Author: Kenyoda
Admin’s Note: The following work was written by @ebonyphd, inspired by one of @crzangel’s headcanons. You can find the headcanon here if you want to know more!
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Candid Shoutos
Izuku bit his lip as he tried not to laugh. How anyone had found a copy of Vib Ribbon and an emulator for it, Izuku would never know. But Todoroki’s absolutely perplexed expression was one for the books. He discreetly took a picture with his phone. The teen eventually gave into his urge when Shouto’s face morphed into horror when the stick figure rabbit squealed while demonstrating what happened when you missed a combination. As the others chattered around Kaminari’s emulator running laptop, Izuku pulled up the PlusInsta page on his phone and logged into the page that he ran for Todoroki. He quickly uploaded the photo with the caption:
#his face #he looks so lost #lol
Almost instantly, the like counter started climbing and comments starting flowing about 5 minutes after. They ranged from: ‘he’s so adorkable’ to ‘what is he even looking at?’ Izuku fielded a few of the questions as he chuckled at other comments. Eventually, Shouto gave up the computer after playing a few levels. The game was passed around to several of their classmates until someone suggested a new fighting game and the TV became the main source of entertainment. They both watched the tournament and both cheered when Yaomomo won. After a fuming Bakugou stormed off muttering halfhearted threats under his breath, the class dispersed.
Izuku remained parked on the couch with Todoroki right next to him. He continued to watch all the reactions to his newest post. He had been running candid_shoutos for about six months. Actually, the silly little side project had actually gotten Izuku a boyfriend. He looked over to his right to see said boyfriend had conked out on his shoulder.
His hair had fallen over his face casting a red haze over his pale skin. Shouto’s glasses were precariously hanging onto the end of his nose. Izuku’s heart melted at the sight. He was so cute. The teen took another picture. He did not post it though. That was for him alone. Izuku finally chanced waking Shouto up and removed the glasses from his nose. Shouto wrinkled his nose and muttered some garbled protest at being disturbed. He sighed and snuggled deeper into Izuku’s shoulder. Izuku flushed. Adorkable, indeed. He remembered how it had all started quite fondly…
Izuku had started the whole silly page because Shouto was convinced he wasn’t attractive. Izuku and majority of his classmates had protested vehemently that it wasn’t true. Shouto would only scoff and claim they were biased.
So, Izuku bet Shouto a favor that he could prove Shouto wrong. Ashido, who was in charge of the Class 2-A social media pages, suggested that Izuku start a PlusInsta account and post pictures. It would be simple to post things and let other people decide. Shouto agreed to the page idea with the caveat that the pictures are only candid shots, with no explanations, and that only Izuku could take them. This way the bet stayed among the three of them and Izuku couldn’t doctor the photos. They decided that they would give it two weeks. Ashido also promised to reblog the page link on the Class Insta once Izuku had it up and running.
So the following Monday, Izuku started snapping photos of Shouto doing various activities during the day, save for bathroom activities. Once classes were over, he shifted through the shots and picked the very first picture for the blog. It had simply been a picture of Shouto working on some homework during study hall. He had been perfectly poised at his desk, almost statue-like. But Izuku had zoomed in on his face, you could see the shadow of his hair on his cheek and the determined set to his eyes and jaw as his hand flew elegantly across the page. He had posted the picture with the caption:
#hard at work #go Todoroki
The first picture had gained 100 likes in an hour after Ashido had reblogged it. The blog itself had 30 followers. Izuku had posted another picture before dinner time, this one of Shouto leaning over and holding his knees after he and Izuku had come back from a run. His hair had begun curling at the ends from the sweat and his face had been flushed pink. He ended up looking at Izuku in surprise right as he had taken the picture. The number of likes it got was tripled what the other one had. The blog had a hundred followers by the time Izuku had gone to bed. The blog had also received some of its first comments. Some of them had Izuku laughing out loud:
Dear Lord! That should have come with a health warning!!! *fans self*
*sees curly ends* Omg! Todoroki has curly hair! I wonder how long it takes him to get straight?
Those eyes… just… sigh
Dude… I am kinda questioning my sexuality…
I have been questioning mine since he set himself on fire in the Sports Festival during my first year! #TodorokiShoutocausedmygayawakening
Same.
Praise whoever captured such a blessed image!
He had gleefully shown Shouto the page during breakfast the next day. The gob smacked expression on his face had left Izuku in stitches and feeling light as a feather. As the two weeks wore on, the comments and likes kept coming and Izuku kept supplying pictures. Around day 8, however, Izuku hit a bit of a snag. He was beginning to notice that he was taking far, far more pictures of Shouto than was warranted for the 2-3 random posts he made in a day. And many of those pictures remained in his phone after he deleted all the ones he didn’t like or need.
Izuku was no fool. He was well aware of his feelings for Todoroki. He just wasn’t sure how and if he should act on them. But he was forced to make a decision when he posted a picture of Shouto smiling. It had not been a huge one. A small part of his lips and his eyes squeezed shut. He had been mid-chuckle at a bad pun Kaminari had told. The comment section lost their collective minds. To this day, that photo was one of the most liked pictures on the blog.
At the time however, the picture’s popularity had left Izuku feeling sick and cold. It had occurred to him that if people loved Shouto when he was scowling, sweaty, and flat faced; they would be besotted with him when he smiled. Just like Izuku. He had spent some time looking through some of the pages that were following the blog. There were so many beautiful people on the site. People that weren’t too afraid of taking the chance to ask that beautiful boy out. People that Todoroki might say yes to. Finally, in the midst of his jealous fit, Izuku decided that once the dare was over he would make that favor count.
So, he still posted candids of Shouto like always, however, there was only that one smile picture for a long while. But as soon as the two weeks were up, the two friends had met up in Izuku’s room to discuss the outcome.
“Well…” Todoroki had said, “you won. I never realized that people actually believed that I was attractive.” He had then hung his head between his hunched shoulders. Izuku felt bad. He hadn’t thought about how weird it may have been for Todoroki, who was an intensely private person despite his tendency to be forthright and brutally honest.
“I am sorry if any of this made you uncomfortable, Shouto. Eek! I mean, T-Todoroki!” he blurted out. Shouto’s head snapped back up. His mismatched gaze pierced Izuku and made his chest tighten.
“I wouldn’t call it uncomfortable, just surprising, I guess? And no need to apologize. I agreed to the terms too after all. So, don’t worry about it… Izuku.” Shouto said after a moment. Izuku’s eyes widened. He knew that Shouto expressed a lot of himself through his actions. Izuku could easily read the permission in the use of his own given name. Izuku’s heart began gallop giddily in his chest.
“Ok, Shouto.” Izuku said with a nod.
“So, I owe you a favor now. Do you need time to think about it?” Shouto asked. Izuku hummed thoughtfully. His eyes were drawn to his desk where there was a pair of tickets to a single day pop up hero convention. It was the following weekend. Izuku had been wanting to ask Shouto to go with him but he had been too timid to do so. But now that such a gifted opportunity had presented itself…
“Nope. You’re going with me to this!” answered Izuku. He picked up one of the tickets and handed it to Shouto with a flourish. The other teen pulled his glasses from his hair and shoved them on his face. Shouto took the ticket and looked it over,
“A hero convention?” he asked. Izuku nodded nervously.
“Yeah, it’s a small one day thing. I won a pair of tickets from a podcast.” Shouto blinked at him. He then nodded.
“Ok. But are you sure you want to waste your favor on this? Wouldn’t you have more fun with Kirishima or Uraraka? They seemed to love this kind of thing.” Shouto said uncertainly. Izuku’s heart clenched. Despite being shown that he was attractive, Shouto was still a horribly insecure teenager. Much like himself.
“Well, I kinda wanted to ask you from the get go… I just didn’t want you to be weirded out or anything,” Izuku admitted quietly as he scratched at his cheek. Shouto’s confused expression turned concerned.
“Why would I be weirded out that you wanted me to go places with you?” he asked.
“W-well. I mean, you are not really a fan of crowds and I know you have some—issues with the hero industry… and I really like you and wanted to- eep!” Izuku blurted before clamping his mouth shut. Dread spread through him like tar, thick and sticky. Why did he have to ramble so much?!
“You, you like me?” Shouto breathed after a moment. Izuku looked skyward for divine intervention. But when no lightning manifested and struck him where he stood, Izuku just nodded his head meekly. He knew his face was red. After several agonizing moments, Izuku heard a quiet, “I like you, too.” His heart went wild. He stared at Shouto, trying to decide if he were kidding or not. The only thing reflected in those gem colored eyes was affection and some bashfulness.
“Oh,” he breathed giddily. “Well… how about we hold off on the favor and you just be my date instead? I’ll even buy food!” Shouto’s face turned pink and small tongues of flame shyly came to life on the tips of his red hair. Izuku wanted to die. He was so cute! So very cute.
“Um… ok. I would, like that.” He replied softly, a half smile curling at his lips. Izuku beamed back. This only caused the flames to grow. Now his entire red half was engulfed in flickering flames. It was probably warm enough that Shouto could tell the temperature change. The fire user squeaked in embarrassment before he used his right side to extinguish the flames. He groaned softly as he buried his face in his hands. Izuku could only laugh in response. He was punch drunk on affection, relief and happiness. So much so that he had no fear over going over to Shouto and prying his fingers away from his face.
His friend’s face was still pink and his eyes were wide and sparkling. His lips were twitching as if he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to scowl or laugh. Izuku cupped Shouto’s face and pulled him closer. He pressed his forehead and nose against the other boy’s as his chuckles dissolved into soft giggles. He rubbed against Shouto’s nose affectionately, reveling in the ability to touch him. A soft swooshing sound brought Izuku out of his happy high. Izuku took a step back from Shouto and gasped in awe.
Shouto’s hair had turned into wreathing flames and dancing flurries. One side white and the other a deep red. The two spectacles danced around Shouto’s head like a living halo. Izuku could only gape wordlessly. Shouto’s eyes were glowing, too. He looked like a God or a spirit. Devastatingly beautiful.
“Izuku?” Shouto called worriedly. The God comparison wouldn’t leave especially when his named sounded heavenly coming from Shouto’s lips. Izuku tried to answer but words continued to fail him. Almost robotically, Izuku withdrew his phone and snapped a picture. When Shouto gave him a mildly irritated look, he just turned the screen around. Shouto’s jaw dropped…
Izuku chuckled quietly to himself as he finished revisiting that old memory. Shouto did eventually get the flames and snow to go away and thankfully his hair just returned to normal. That was how they had found out that Shouto could turn parts of his body into flames and snow. Izuku had a field day helping Shouto master this new part of his quirk. The two had actually ended up going on a small dinner date a few days before the convention. Shouto had claimed it was a thank you for helping him with his Quirk. They had been together ever since. Their relationship was a quiet one. It was not hidden amongst the class, but it was a secret to anyone outside of the dorm. Maybe one day it could be public. Izuku grinned to himself at the thought of the collective mayhem that would ensue on the candid_shoutos page when they did.
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