#my gut was telling me that there was smth wrong w it and i shouldn't be finding it okay/letting it slide as someone who is in fact religiou

[tsuunara]

also hey guys i know i also did this at some point but lets not ship jesus x fyodor cause it's blasphemy and basically mocking a religious figure

[neonstatic]

i've made some big realisations today. first, the issue i have w the person who i think hates my guts is just that they don't react to me the way i want. i'm a people pleaser - we already established this, so we know it runs deep and while it does not make me inherently fake (trust me, i'm not bending over backwards for ppl i truly dislike, i have a little dignity), it does make me act a certain way if i feel like ppl are slipping away from me. i can get a little...ciingy? desperate? i dunnooo it doesn't necessarily show but emotionally i'm often in the trenches.

so yeah, this person is more distant than i want them to be... so what? they're allowed. we don't have to be besties. they got their friends and i've got mine. i shouldn't feel so attacked by the fact that they don't feel the same way abt me. no matter how (supposedly) charming i make myself, i'm not entitled to their attention or special treatment. and just bc i'm not getting the reaction i'm seeking doesn't mean i'm doing smth wrong or that they hate me. it's not that deep, ray. and if to feel ok abt it, i have put in less efforts on my end, then sure! and then everyone is happy and all is well c: i was making it out to be sooo serious when it didn't have to be. sometimes ppl don't care for you as much as you do... life goes on.

second realisation or rather confirmation... is that i rly wanna go on t! when i think of the future and i imagine myself looking the way i do now, i feel pretty...disappointed. resigned even. like, oh i guess this is me lmao. but when i think abt the best ver of myself? it's a short, pudgy, lowkey buff person who's kind of pretty in the face. and idk that it would change much abt the way i dress, i might own a lot less dresses, but nothing can keep me away from skirts. my beloveds...

anyway yeah! i gotta find the right time to tell my sister. probably soon. idk abt my family tho :// tuesday my dad was here and my sis showed him pics of me in my most boyish looks and he looked....speechless? but he saved them right away cus he says he has v little pics of me on my own. which is true, i hadn't realised that. he's got bunch of pics of me next to my sisters when we were little but they're waay outdated. but yeah i jokingly asked him what he thought of his son and he just didn't say nothing, just kept looking at the pics. i feel like he got his own kind of revelations that night.

(also my sisters and i discussed what kind of names the parents would've gotten had they had a son and we agreed on francis, w frankie as a nicki. i'm mulling it over... tossing it around in my head like a ball... the only sure thing is that i will forever be Ray!)