#my litte saviour complex having darling boy

[wickedwitchofthesouth]

I am still thinking about Castiel walking out on Dean during the divorce arc... After he apologized, after he held his tounge because I fucking know cas would have had some shit to say after Dean got Jack killed (and yes he did. nothing will ever change my mind on that)

But mostly I'm thinking about what was going through castiels head when he left. What emotions was he feeling? I'm sure he was sad, devastated even. But I wonder if he felt some tiny, distant, and undoubtedly dreadful inkling of relief at the thought of never seeing Dean again. Not because he was angry with Dean (which he had every right to be) but because not seeing Dean would have meant that he wouldn't be able to achieve true happiness

And not achieving true happiness at that point would have meant the empty leaving him alone, which would have in turn meant getting to live longer.

It would have meant getting to feel Dean's presence on earth for longer. It would have meant getting to admire humanity for longer. It would have meant getting to love Dean for longer

Even if it meant he would have only loved him from a far, Cas would be okay with that. He wouldn't be happy but atleast he'd be alive

Because god, at least he could still love him.

Maybe Cas left because he didn't want to be forgiven. Maybe he knew that forgiveness would leave him crawling back for more.

And the deal he'd made had bound his wrists in chains that read "more is less"