#my parents convincing me to go into digital art and agreed feels like the worst decision ive made

[aggressiveguitarnoises]

the more i find out about AI, the more im scared to fully turn to digital art as a career

[hpfluff-fest]

HP Fluff Fest Masterlist

We would like to thank everybody who has made this fest such a success, whether as a prompter, creator, or reader! Both of us hope the featured fics and art have brought you happiness and warm fuzzy feelings. Now, without further ado, may we proudly present the HP Fluff Fest 2020 Masterlist. 

Albus Severus Potter/Scorpius Malfoy

ART

🌻god, you're beautiful by lov-lyness || @lov-lyness, Traditional Art (G)

Scorpius and Albus are by a lake, Scorpius's soulmark is showing.

FIC

🌻Sticky Love by motherofmercury || @motherofmercury, 1.3k, (G)

Scorpius always leaves encouraging notes and reminders around their flat for Albus to find.  Albus realises he's a messy person to live with.  Cleaning and the discovery of Albus' romantic side ensues.

 Bartemius Crouch Jr./Harry Potter FIC 

🌻Coming Home Late by Firebull || @swampwitchkaterina, 525 words (G)

It had become a bit of a routine to them.

 Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

ART

🌻K is for Kiss by Pinkelephant42 || @pinkelephant42, Digital Art (G)

Harry escapes the spotlight to teach young magical kids. Draco is charmed by his son's new teacher.

🌻Moving in together - shopping for laughs. by digthewriter || @digtheshipper, Digital Art (G)

Trying out mattresses w/ your partner leads to giggles in the furniture showroom. 

🌻The Case for Borrowed Underwear and Morning-After Pancakes by toutcequonveut || @cequonveut, Digital Art (Comic) (T)

Harry and Draco have just Done the Deed™️ for the first time. After a truly fantastic night, Harry wakes up alone in bed and wonders where Draco has wandered off to..

FIC

🌻Age is just a number by gnarf || @gnarf, 1.5k (T)

Married for decades, their life is perfect. Until Harry gets a call and hears the following words: "Mr Potter, we caught your husband stealing ten large packs of King Sized condoms."

🌻And They Say Romance is Dead by static_abyss || @static-abyss, 9.7k (E)

Harry is in love with Draco Malfoy. This is, quite possible, the worst thing that could have ever happened to him. Not because he doesn't want to love Draco but because now that Harry knows, he doesn't know how he's supposed to tell him.

Or, five times Harry tried to tell Draco he loved him and one time he succeeded.

🌻Chasing Coffee by Yesimawriter || @foularcadebanana, 5.6k (T)

Harry's service dog, Coffee, is obsessed with a certain Slytherin prat, and Harry cannot figure out why. It can't be because Harry wants to spend more time with him, right?

🌻darling, your kisses are sweeter than honey by unicorninthelibrary || @unicorn-in-the-library, 1k (T)

No matter how many years have passed, waking up next to Draco is Harry’s favorite thing in life. 

  🌻Dear (For Want of a Better Idea) Diary by tigersilver || @stripedsilverfeline, 12.3k (M)

Draco likes his life; there’s not much not to like. He’s got himself a family of rescued kneazles and nosy Weasleys plus two fun jobs to keep him busy, which is more than he ever expected, post-Voldemort.  But he’ll have a bash at keeping a journal, just as his boss George suggested. Who knows? It might even help him sort out what’s up with Potter, right? 

  🌻Disastrously Perfect by savant (teii) || @teii, 8.3k (T) 

Neville figured that whatever was going on between Harry and Draco, he could quietly keep out of the way and observe from a safe distance. Luna, however, has other plans.

🌻 Duck And Cover by Drarrymadhatter || @drarrymadhatterstuff, k (T)

Draco is struggling with eighth year, until he’s forced to adopt a flock of ducklings. Harry, convinced his old nemesis is up to his old tricks, decided to find out what he’s up to. When he discovers his fluffy secret, he decides to have some fun with it. However, along the way, he starts to realise how much Malfoy has changed.

  🌻Ferret Support Services by CoCo (cportera) || @cportera, 4k (G)

Harry discovers a ferret while hiding away from his friends. He adopts the furry animal telling him secrets, never knowing the ferret might have secrets of his own.

🌻If This is Happiness, I Don't Mind Having This by Orpheous87, 6.2k (G)

Eighth Year isn't going too well for Draco. He's isolated and ignored by his classmates. Then he stumbles across a flock of tiny ducklings that need a helping hand. What Draco doesn't expect is someone to offer him a helping hand.

🌻I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You by Ladderofyears || @clemandben, 20.7k (E)

All Draco ever wanted was to carry his beloved husband's baby. It had been a journey of years, of tearful nights and smiling while he was breaking inside. It was finally happening though. They've tried for so long. They're having a child.

  🌻Just Like Potions by vivi1138 || @penguinanimagus, 2.3k (E)

Kreacher is on holidays. Draco thinks he can cook because he's so good at Potions. Hint: he can't.

  🌻Let Your Heart Hold Fast by MoonlitMarauder || @moonlitmaruader, 7.1k (E)

After three years together you'd think Harry would have learned to let Draco keep his secrets, but Draco is up to something. He just knows it. Or  That time when Ron had to give Harry advice on his love life.

🌻Love In Ikea by kai_blxck || @im-kaifused, 30.6k (T)

In all the trips Harry had made to Ikea, Harry never expected to bump into the love of his life? 

Draco never thought Wizards could exist but here he is, falling in love with one. 

  🌻Misunderstandings are as easy as A-B-C by VeelaWings || @veelawings, 3.4k (T)

A slow blink and Potter seemed to catch himself, clearing his throat and nodding, his smile friendly and bright when directed at Scorpius and Draco. “Hey Mal—”

“Mr Potter,” Draco spoke up rudely, but necessary. “This is my son, Scorpius Black. He’ll be one of your students this year.” 

Potter looked completely wrongfooted for a few seconds before his mind appeared to latch onto the most likely conclusion. His expression cleared up as Scorpius took a step forward and offered a tiny hand. 

“Hello, Mr Potter. It’s nice to meet you,” Scorpius said, enunciation steady and practiced.

  🌻Seeking: pet carer for Bartholomew (four-year old rescue greyhound, no special needs)  by GallifreyisBurning || @gallifrey1sburning, 14.7k (E)

When Draco’s boyfriend ends their relationship rather abruptly (and, frankly, extremely rudely), he leaves Draco with full-time responsibility for their rescue greyhound, Bartholomew. Draco loves his dog with all his heart, but the long hours he works at his law firm mean that he can’t possibly be home as much as Bartholomew needs. Enter Sirius Pet Care, an app designed to solve this very problem! When Draco books Harry, he’s relieved at how quickly the man and his dog bond. He’s less relieved by how unexpectedly, distractingly attractive Harry turns out to be… and how Draco’s afternoon meetings keep being “mysteriously” cancelled, meaning that he JUST HAPPENS to be home when Harry comes by. After all, it’s not appropriate to ogle one’s employees… right?

  🌻sign me up for that full-time by M0stlyVoid || @bonesliketambourines, 4k (T)

Harry should have learned by now to never trust anything the Weasley twins try to pass off as a thoughtful holiday gift, no matter how innocuous it might appear.

🌻Soft & Hard by DragonGirl87 || @drgngrl87​, 8k (T)

In which Draco is forced to grudgingly admit that Harry does have some taste and Harry learns more about mattresses than any sane person should ever know.

🌻Some Assembly Required by peachpety || @peachpety, 6.5k (E)

A relationship must occasionally endure a test of strength, be it confronting an ex, or meeting the inlaws. Sometimes, however, an inanimate object can make or break a couple. Harry and Draco's relationship is put to the test when they attempt to assemble a piece of IKEA furniture.

🌻They were Once Young by acupforslytherin || @acupforslytherin, 6.4k (T)

Draco nervously expected for the worst when Harry invited him to Godric’s Hollow for the summer holidays. Little did he know, he was in for a delightful French dinner, two generations of embarrassing Potters, and a fascinating story of how Harry’s parents got together.

  🌻Too Many Legs by vivi1138 || @penguinanimagus, 4.4k (T)

Draco is thrilled when his son produces a powerful bout of accidental magic. But unlike most children his age, Scorpius doesn't stop there, and soon Draco is overwhelmed. Harry just finds it funny. 

  🌻Too precious to share by slowroad || @slowroad, 1.6k (M)

Harry and Draco are several months into their eighth year at Hogwarts. They've been in a relationship for a while now, but no one knows about them yet and they like it that way.

🌻Whiskers and Kisses by MotherBooker || @motherbookerao3​, 1.5k (G)

When rabbits trust and care about a person, they can be very loving and affectionate creatures.

  🌻With a Bite and A Hiss (and Some Curry On Top) by Zandra Gorin || @zandragorin, 4.7k (T)

Draco keeps bringing animals home and keeps cooking curry for Harry. Harry is of the opinion that it has got to stop. Well, not the cooking curry part.  

Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Neville Longbottom ART

🌻Home is where the Bloody Plants are by Thunder_of_Dragons || @thunder-of-dragons, Digital Animated Pixel Art (G)

When Harry invited Neville and Draco to move into Grimmauld Place with him, his one condition was that they help him remove all of the old Pureblood artefacts. Draco was more than happy to agree, but he's determined not to let their drawing room become overrun by Neville's plants.

 Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger

FIC 

🌻Crookshanks and the Worst Weekend by Aneiria || @aneiria-writes, 2.1k (T)

In which Crookshanks' perfect weekend is ruined by the arrival of a tiny, annoying, infuriating kneazle kitten who follows him home, and the wizard who comes looking for it.

🌻Stranded Apart by In_Dreams || @indreamsink, 10.5k (T)

Lost in the wilderness without their wands, Hermione and Draco will need to learn to work together if they want to make it out in one piece.

🌻The Art of Seating Etiquette by inadaze22 || @inadaze22, 9.7k (E)

Hermione believes that every problem has a solution, and that solution can be found in a book. That is, until Draco starts sitting to her right every Friday. She has no answers until help comes in the form of an unlikely source: Ron Weasley.

🌻The Heart of Healing by niffizzle || @niffizzle, 5.1k (T)

Spending her Saturday volunteering at St. Mungo's was Hermione Granger’s favourite part of the week. Nothing would ruin that, not even Draco Malfoy showing up to complete his community service hours.

🌻The Importance of Being Honest  by floorcoaster || @floorcoaster, 9k (T)

In the pursuit of the truth, sometimes nature lends a hand.

 Draco Malfoy/Neville Longbottom

ART

🌻A Tattoo to Match by Pinkelephant42 || @pinkelephant42, Digital Art (G)

Tattoo Artist Draco Malfoy and Florist Neville Longbottom work next to each other, flirt a lot, and get matching tattoos.

 Dudley Dursley/Gregory Goyle FIC 

🌻Stranger in the bakery by toutcequonveut || @cequonveut, 3.6k (M) 

The people of the town are confused. Dudley is confused, but then he isn't. Greg is confused, but he's in love and that's more important. Harry is very confused, but just goes with it.

Or: a glimpse into the morning after Dudley and Greg's first time, featuring bakery buns and other buns

 Gen 

FIC

🌻it seems to come down to us by porcelainsalt (bluedreaming) || @porcelainsalt, 1.1k (G)

Minerva takes matters into her own hands.

Ginny Weasley/Luna Lovegood

FIC 

🌻Bluebells and Asters by goldenzingy46 || @goldenzingy46, 826 (G)

Luna braids Ginny's hair. Ginny complains about boys. Softness (and a little kissing) ensues.

🌻Morning Eggs by PhenomenalAsterisk || @phenomenalasterisk, 842 words (G)

Luna began her mornings with tea. Ginny began her mornings with Luna. With the first stirrings of consciousness, Ginny found herself snuggling into her beloved — Luna’s neck, her hair, her belly, wherever Ginny could reach, really, was free game for the morning ritual. Ginny would cling like a barnacle to Luna until she was lucid enough to function on her own.

🌻Sleepy Smiles by PhenomenalAsterisk || @phenomenalasterisk, 554 (G)

Luna’s eyes are still shut, though the corners of her thin lips are just barely quirked into a smile. “You missed the movie, love.” Ginny says quietly, pressing her lips against her hair in a brief kiss. 

Luna tucks her head further into Ginny’s neck and murmurs back, “I woke up for the best part.” Ginny smiles. It’s not unusual for Luna to enjoy her wife’s strength, in the bedroom and otherwise, though she has never asked for something as indulgent as being carried to bed. 

OR Ginny carries Luna to bed. Soft, sweet, and short bit of domestic fluff.

Ginny Weasley/Pansy Parkinson

FIC 

🌻get off on whiplash by cjmasim || @lesbianlilyevans​, 6k (T)

THE QUIBBLER'S 5TH ANNUAL HOLIDAY DRAWING

TWO LUCKY ENTRANTS WILL WIN AN ALL-EXPENSES-PAID WEEK-LONG TRIP TO PORTOFINO, ITALY

TO ENTER, RETURN THE FORM BELOW VIA OWL NO LATER THAN APRIL 17, 2004

Ginny manages to convince herself that entering the drawing was nothing other than a way to help a friend out by getting the numbers for The Quibbler's entries higher.

Naturally, she wins the drawing. 

 Harry Potter/Severus Snape

FIC 

🌻How to See Without a Camera by RoonilWazlibMalfoy  || @evenmyzefronposter, 11.7k (E)

Having returned to Hogwarts after his training to take over for Madam Pomfrey, Harry was just happy to be back home. He didn't even mind it when he realized he'd have to work closely with Severus Snape.  One Kiss Cam incident at a Quidditch Match, however, left him wondering just how close he could get to the man. 

🌻Quite The Perfect Sunday by HogwartsToAlexandria || @dwell-on-dreams​, 751 words (E)

Spending all day in bed, every Sunday they could, had been on of Harry and Severus's traditions almost from the start. It was a moment just for them, which they cherished and made the most of every time.

Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood

ART 

🌻Picking Daisies by dragontamerdrarry || @dragontamerdame, Digital Art (G)

Luna Lovegood has a terrace garden filled with Xenophilius Lovegood approved yellow flowers. Today, Luna’s picked some yellow daisies and is enjoying spending some quality time with her girlfriend (who has her nose buried in the hottest new Magizoology text in town!)

Hermione Granger/Narcissa Malfoy

FIC 🌻Life Is Good by Houseofmalfoy || @malfoylestrange​, 1.2k (G)

Narcissa surprises herself with the number of times she thinks that little sentence, surprises herself with how genuinely happy she is with the way her life turned out, even if she’s no longer surprised at all by the person who gave it to her.

She’s happy.  

Hermione Granger/Pansy Parkinson

FIC

🌻A Million Worlds Apart by SiriuslyThatBitch || @siriuslythatbitch, 13.6k (E)

After spending the bulk of her childhood fighting a dark wizard, Hermione was looking forward to a relaxing year. Too bad fate always has something else planned, including ancient spells, sarcastic roommates, and a suffocating amount of sexual tension.

🌻Exodus by cdav || @cdav, 6.6k (T)

After the war, Hermione finds herself drawn to Pansy Parkinson for reasons she can't quite explain. Parkinson is adamant that they won't work out. Hermione's determined to prove otherwise.

Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley

FIC

🌻The Perfect Moment by DameinToyland || @dameintoyland, 1.8k (G)

Hermione gets home late from work and witnesses story time with Ron and the kids. Ron is nostalgic, Hugo is excited, and Rose isn’t having any of it.

  James Sirius Potter/Teddy Lupin

FIC

🌻The Waiting (Is The Hardest Part) by Ladderofyears || @clemandben, 1.1k (E)

Teddy is waiting to give Jamie a performance.

Remus Lupin/Sirius Black

FIC

🌻A Purrfect Match by captainegg || @im-captain-egg, 1.7k (G)

When Remus walked into the shelter that day, he expected to leave with a new furry companion and not meet the love of his life.

🌻Here comes the sun by PollyDarton || @polly-darton, 5.5k (M)

Honestly, screw the sun. For all I care the world revolves around you.

  🌻Moonlit Reflections by MoonCat457 || @mooncat457writing, 6.4k (T) 

Sirius has been pining for Remus for far too long and James is sick of it. So, when it’s James’ turn to go on a late-night scouting mission with Remus on the grounds to work on the Marauder’s Map, he sends Sirius instead with instructions to finally just admit his feelings.

[stonylovessteve]

Creator Reveals 2019

We’ve reached the end of the exchange and that means it’s time to reveal the creators of all our works.

Thank you for putting so much love and effort into Stony Loves Steve 2019, you really made it a great experience. We hope everyone loved it as much as we did!

Giftees, be sure to leave a comment and kudos on your gift if you haven’t already. All our creators worked hard to make this event a success, so show them some love.

You can now post your work publicly outside of the exchange. Tag it as #stonylovessteve2019 on tumblr and we’ll reblog you. @ us @stonylovessteve on twitter and we’ll retweet you.

Below the cut is the final list of all the works produced for the exchange and the creators.

Ride With the Moon in the Dead of Night by iam93percentstardust for Wikketkrikket (MCU AU, 11,464 Words)

The wards protecting the Upper New York pack are failing. When the pack alpha, Nick Fury, calls for aid, only one person answers: the vampire Howard Stark, promising the aid of his son. In return, he asks that his son be accepted into the pack. Fury promises that his strongest alpha will be given to Stark's son in marriage. Neither Steve nor Tony are initially pleased about this turn of events but they find themselves quickly falling in love. But not everyone is happy to allow a vampire into the pack and there is a traitor lurking in their midst.

———————————–

You've Always Been My Home by Shamen610 for softestlesbian (MCU, 4,370 words)

And that was just so like Tony wasn't it? For him to still be the one to help Steve find a home, despite being gone.

Gone.

God, he couldn't even stomach the thought of it being true.

———————————–

Clementine by Wikketkrikket for nasa (1872, 8,297 words)

From the prompt: 'The people of Timely have started getting suspicious about how much time their Sheriff is spending at their Blacksmith's house'

Ever since he was injured and his arm badly damaged in the incident with Fisk, Steve has been staying with Tony. He helps Tony stay off the drink and keep his ribbon, and Tony helps him tie his shoelaces. They're in love, but they aren't breaking any laws. Steve is very careful about that.

Except people are starting to talk anyway, and when a new Deputy arrives in town with suspicion in his eyes things get riskier than ever.

———————————–

i'd like it if you stayed (and i like you) by KingOfBiohazards for Lunatical (MCU AU, 2,958 words)

Steve gets a knight assigned to be his bodyguard. He's not happy about it (at first).

———————————–

the start of something brilliant by S_Hylor for fictionforlife (Noir, 4,382 words)

After so many years of adventuring, and then assisting in the war effort, Tony Stark didn’t think there was much left that he hadn’t seen already. That is, until on a reconnaissance mission with James Rhodes, he comes across an injured American soldier, left behind on a battlefield.

———————————–

the lion and his wolf by nasa for iam93percentstardust (MCU AU, 2,241 words)

Steve didn't have much when he came to King's Landing - his mother, his best friend, and a few copper coins to his name - but slowly, over the years, it's all been stripped away. Now, he has only one thing left: Tony Stark, heir to the North and lover to Steve.

———————————–

Handheld by talesofsuspense for SilverInStars (MCU, 4,072 words)

When Steve starts stopping for lunch at Shawarma Palace he isn't expecting Tony to show up and to keep showing up. And he definitely isn't expecting a guide to the 21st century.

———————————–

Another Chance at Another Life by heroineaddict for 13bella (MCU, 6,867 words)

Steve returns the Infinity Stones to their rightful place, and then makes a detour to fix one of his biggest regrets.

———————————–

Won't You Be My Neighbor [Art] by Cachette for sadieb798 (AU, art)

A peaceful evening!

———————————–

If I’m Ruining You Right Now, Please Forgive Me by Mizzy for Jaylee (616, 17k Words)

Tony’s definitely up to something, Steve’s sure about that. But when he follows Tony down into the unused leg of their new unconventional home, Steve isn’t expecting to discover the lengths Tony will go to try to make him happy. 

———————————–

Beautiful by LegendsofSnark for thegreytigress (MCU, 1k words)

Tony loves Steve, no matter what 

———————————–

Of You, Me, and Us by ShippersList for starkboi (MCU, 1.1k words)

They are just photos. Snaps of his life, something he started taking after the Battle of New York. Nothing fancy, nothing staged, just… quick slices of life he wanted to document, to remember things by, to help getting some flavor to the sharp memories embedded in his mind.

Some are blurry, some are ruined by time (or, more often, coffee stains), some are just of the same subject; from the time when he wanted to document the way the vines grow on that one, particular corner of the park.

Others might say most of them are worthless, but they aren’t. Not to Steve.

And some pictures mean more than the rest. Especially to Steve.

———————————–

Worth the Wait  by FreyaS for Royal_Chandler (MCU, 13k words)

When Steve woke up in the future, he met his soulmate and learned he’d lost everything else.

Tony was familiar with loss but he never expected to gain a soulmate in Steve Rogers, the man his family had spent generations searching for.

———————————–

Be Still My Little Heart by Lunatical for BeenAsleepFor70Years (AU, 4.1k words)

A beautiful boy was asleep in the flower, his hair the color of gold and his skin as pure as the lily from which he’d been born. And when he opened his eyes, they were as clear as the sky, and twice as beautiful. And he could not have been bigger than a thumb, from the tips of his golden hair to the bottom of his perfect feet, and Sarah loved him more than anything else in the world. 

———————————–

srogers@avengers.com by FestiveFerret for Lacrimula_Falsa (MCU, 7.3k words)

Between digital watches, ATMs, emails, and microwaves, Steve is exhausted by the future. Tony is only trying to help, and Steve appreciates it, but sometimes, he just needs a break from all the tech in the tower. 

———————————–

Tony Stark’s Guide to Getting A Date (And Steve Roger’s Guide to Getting Through a Thick Skull) by a_salty_alto for morcabre (AA, 1.3k words)

In which Steve turns out to be a bit smoother than expected. 

———————————–

Everybody Loves Steve (But Tony Loved Him First, Dammit) by ashes0909 for HogwartstoAlexandria (MCU AU, 4.4k words)

“So, what? I’m just supposed to get used to you being a bit taller, a bit bulkier, and that guy I met freshman year, what? He’s gone forever now?” 

———————————–

Superfamily [Art] by Hayluhalo for Squishy_TRex (MCU AU, art)

Prompt fill for “adopting kids” for the Stony Loves Steve 2019 event! 

———————————–

Heart’s Second Chance [Art] by fictionforlife for BuckytheDucky (MCU AU, art)

Based on one of BuckytheDucky’s prompts:

Steve is the rightful heir to a decent-sized kingdom, neighbouring the Stark realm. When talks arise of the kingdoms going to war, Steve’s mother tells him he must marry Prince Tony in order to prevent the war from coming to fruition; both grudgingly agree, and it’s definitely not love at first sight, fighting behind closed doors all the time even tho they pretend they’re deliriously in love in front of others. Then tragedy strikes, and Steve has to decide whether to help Tony get revenge for his kingdom against Obadiah Stane, the Starks’ most trusted advisor, or convince Tony that he’s no longer allowed to get involved in his old kingdom’s affairs. Through it all, he starts learning more about who Tony really is and maybe even falling in love.

———————————–

Three Challenges by Neverever for Katie_Kat (MCU AU, 6,6k words)

King Steve is offered a marriage alliance with the mysterious Prince Tony which will help his small country greatly. Except that there is a twist. There always is. 

———————————– 

Be My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine by Nixie_DeAngel for Neverever (MCU AU, 1,8k words)

Letting out an overly tired, but still fond, sigh, Steve closes his charms tome and caps his inkwell before pushing it back towards the center of the table and places his quill next to it. “Okay, Tony, you have exactly twenty minutes before I really do need to get back to studying. Why do you need me to be your pretend boyfriend?”

Or, even as wizards Tony and Steve still can only find there way to each other through the muggle trope of fake dating while fighting their real feelings.

———————————– 

a date with disaster (or, the time steve essentially whored himself out on national tv to pay his rent) by quellthefire for Serinah (MCU AU, 3,6k words)

Steve’s been having a hard time finding freelance work, so Bucky signs him up for a reality dating show to earn some extra cash. Little does Steve know that this is going to be the worst date he could possibly imagine, on purpose. 

———————————– 

To have and to hold by daisybelle for LegendsofSnark (MCU, 1.4k words)

Written for the prompt: Parents!Stony: Steve has somehow gotten sick and Tony is freaking out because Steve always takes care of him and Peter. Cue Peter and Tony frantically trying to do everything in their power to get Steve better. And Steve smiling at his little family. 

———————————– 

You’re Always Worth It by Nixie_DeAngel for Hayluhalo (EMH, 1.6k words)

Tony sees it in the way Steve’s shoulders grow tenser, the way his answers become shorter and snappier. Sees it in the way his eyes grow colder and harder. He sees it in the extra hours put in to training and working out, the way Steve goes through combat bots and reinforced punching bags.

Or, Tony takes Steve on a mini vacation and helps his partner unwind.

———————————– 

when you’re gone by talktothesky for ishipallthings (MCU, 25.6k words)

Steve’s had to get used to many things in the 21st century but falling in love with Tony Stark might be the weirdest one yet.

Especially because the man’s dead.

———————————– 

The shadow of men by Bill_Longbow for silversoul_snow (MCU AU, 6.8k words)

When Steve sinks his teeth into bringing Tony Stark to justice he shouldn’t be surprised the mob boss takes a mutual interest. He ìs suprised the mobster does this by kidnapping him, but the most confusing thing is that Steve doesn’t really mind…

In a world where soulmates are only rumours and myths, what chance do a cop and a crook have together?

———————————– 

time doesn’t love you anymore (like i love you) by armoredsoftie for jayjayverse (MCU, 3.1k words)

Steve returned the Stones to their respective places, and it’s time to go back home. But after an accident with the time traveling bracelet, he’s stuck in 1993, where he tries to find the help of a young Tony Stark. After a few drinks in the most popular gay bar in town, things might take a different direction. 

———————————– 

Breakfast [Art] by SpanglesandSass (Fidella) for SirSapling (Ultimates, Art)

For the prompt:

1. Stressed out Steve gets pampered

If anyone needed a lazy day and breakfast in bed, it’s probably Steve.

———————————–

On the Road We Find the Journey Home by navaan for Missy_dee811 (Marvel 616, 5.7k words)

In the Aftermath of Secret Empire, Steve goes on his Road Trip to find out who Captain America can be after Hyda!Cap put fear into the hearts’ of the people who used to cheer for him. His thoughts trail back to Tony. 

———————————–

For A Good Time Call by BeenAsleepFor70Years for mariana_oconnor (Avengers Assemble, 8.7k words)

Steve explores his sexuality by trying out a phone sex service. He may just leave the situation crushing on the guy at the other end of the phone. He already had feelings for his teammate Iron Man, now a new crush gets thrown into the mix. What ever shall he do? 

———————————– 

And I Owe It All To You by starkboi for muchmoremajestic (MCU AU, 2.8k words)

Steve volunteers to participate in a dance marathon for charity. He’s got a final project looming over his head and needs a break from reality, it’s there that he gets playfully competitive with a certain snarky brown haired boy from MIT. 

———————————– 

The Ring of Fire or The One Where Steve is Young and Confused by Serinah for One and Five Nines (Obani) (MCU AU, 15.9k words)

What you read on the tin. Steve is 19 and has only had one girlfriend. He doesn’t like men, never has, so why the hell does Professor Stark make him feel this way?

A story with a ridiculous amount of anger, internalized homophobia, sexual exploration, self-discovery and pining. In short: it’s about how student Steve tries, fails and then tries again to understand what going on with him while dealing with his crush on a professor.

———————————– 

An Old Friend by Katie_Kat for Evanna_Adams (MCU, 1.2k words)

Steve is packing up and getting ready to move from the Tower to the new compound when Peter finds something interesting hiding in the closet.

For the Stony Loves Steve 2019 Fic Exchange.

———————————– 

certain as the sun by ohmyloki for ShippersList (MCU, 3.8k words)

Steve doesn’t know how to dance. Tony says he doesn’t dance. Natasha wonders what’s the point of living in a mansion if no one is ever going to use the ballroom? 

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Don’t Ask by dirigibleplumbing for SpellWolf (Avengers Academy, 3.6k words)

Steve has a secret.

Steve also plays a lot of truth or dare.

Tony notices that Steve always picks “dare,” and starts daring him to pick “truth” instead.

What will Tony think if he finds out what Steve’s hiding? 

———————————– 

Silicone Rings by kenshincha for picturecat (The Avengers - All Media Types, 1.1k words)

Steve contemplates their long engagement. 

———————————– 

Almost Perfect [Art] by One and Five Nines (Obani) for farawatt (MCU, Art)

A powerful enemy invades from an alternate reality, but the only thing he really seems interested in is Steve Rogers

EXTREMELY DISTURBING CONTENT, MIND THE TAGS 

———————————–

In Your Shadow by magicasen for talesofsuspense (Marvel 616, 2.9k words)

Tony thinks the mansion might be haunted. Steve’s not so sure about that.

———————————–

A Beautiful Thing by thegraytigress for FestiveFerret (MCU, 62.5k words)

Steve charges into a crashed alien ship to save survivors, and he comes out with a newfound power: telepathy. The fact that he can read minds isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, though. It’s pretty amusing to the team, really annoying to Steve, and generally not as cool as it sounds. It especially sucks that it’s driven a wedge between him and Tony, not that Steve can figure out why. Still, all in all, it’s something he can try to live with.

Until he can’t.

———————————– 

Stuck by Neverever for PjCole (MCU AU, 2.9k words)

Hairstylist Tony Stark itches to cut Steve’s messy hair. But Steve has other issues on his mind.

———————————– 

Loving You 3000 by athletiger for armoredsoftie (MCU AU, 1.5k words)

He stared. On his chest, above his palpitating heart, was the number 3000. Steve’s fingers lifted, unbidden, and he brushed over the numbers, which only stared back at him.

His chest constricted, then swelled.

———————————– 

Previously Thought to be Impossible by Impala_Chick for navaan (MCU, 2.8k words)

In 1970, SHIELD HQ was working on a powerful aphrodisiac prototype. Tony Stark from 2023 happens to cut open the wrong box at the wrong time, and Steve Rogers from 2023 doesn’t know how to feel about it.

———————————– 

A Coincidence called Fate. by SilverinStars for kenshincha (MCU AU, 2.7k words)

The first time Potts met Stevens, the man had come limping into the infirmary. His face was pale, but he held himself upright.

———————————– 

Moments in Time by Squishy_TRex for talktothesky (MCU, 3k words)

A shared life, over the years.

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Does the sun shine (during lock down)? by HogwartstoAlexandria for Nixie_DeAngel (MCU, 9.6k words)

The last thing Tony expects when he wakes up that day is the very thing he finds in Pepper’s office, or rather, the very person.

Old flames do they ever really die down? Maybe not, but does Tony have the luxury to find out when he has to think about Peter’s well-being first and foremost?

Or when Pepper is worried, makes a decision, and Tony’s life spins on its axis, once again.

———————————– 

[art fill] on read by Priestly for KingOfBiohazards (MCU, Art)

Texting Tony Stark is sometimes easier than talking to him face to face. Mini-comic!

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good old-fashioned lover boy by nanasekei for Cachette (MCU, 7k words) 

Tony is thrilled about his new relationship with Steve. He’s on cloud nine, in fact. It’s so amazing he can believe it’s real. He just wishes they could… Uh. Touch a little. Just a little

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Here’s Looking at You by mariana_oconnor for SpanglesandSass (MCU, 12.6k words)

Captain America’s disapproving stare watched over most of Tony’s childhood. It only makes sense that when Steve Rogers walks into Tony’s life, that he return the favour and stare right back. But what he sees when Steve doesn’t know he’s watching doesn’t match up with what he thinks he knows, and he comes to realise that maybe the man under the cowl isn’t quite as untouchable as he thought.

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Write and Draw by SpellWolf for Shamen610 (MCU, 2.7k words)

games night and plotting ends with two idiots finally getting together

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Loose Ends by muchmoremajestic for riodesal (MCU, 8.9k words)

Steve Rogers was found in late 2007 after being on ice for over sixty years. In trying to find closure with his past, a few months later he comes across Tony - at the moment a charismatic billionaire responsible for the world’s most lucrative weapons manufacturing company while the country is at war fighting terrorist cells in Afghanistan. When Steve reaches out to Tony to get closure on his friendship with Tony’s father Howard, how will Tony react? Can Steve find the closure that he’s looking for?

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running into the sun by kiden for ohmyloki (MCU, 8.2k words) 

There are other people Steve could ask. Sam or Nat. Even Clint would make more sense. It’s not that they aren’t friends - they are, they’re good friends, hard won, fought for, worked on - it’s just weird. They can live together and fight together, but Tony’s not so sure a few weeks with just the two of them in a car is a good idea. It’s definitely not a smart idea. “Can you repeat that, please?” or: tony and steve go on a nice, soft road trip that brings them closer together.

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Vienna Waits For You by Evanna_Adams for quellthefire (MCU, 13.4k words) 

Steve Rogers was desperate. Not in the general sense of the word but the deadline for his college art project seemed to be looming and damnit, he should have been done already. But it had taken a bit of Barton and Wilson madness to leave his final project in pieces. Natasha, Bucky and the guilt-ridden duo had tried to help him, but the project was lost to him. They had even tried to offer their own college acquired expertise to help. Of course, he had to refuse.

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posing up a storm by picturecat for Mizzy (MCU, 5.2k words) 

“I have an idea. Can we just pretend the day ended with that really badass Superfriends pose we did?”

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Letters To My Lover by Missy_dee811 for XtaticPearl (MCU, 3.5 words)

*Avengers: Endgame spoilers* On the day of the funeral, Steve hears a phone ringing that shouldn’t be. No one had that number. No one except Tony.

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Taking a chance by DepressingGreenie for Bill Longbow (MCU, 746 words/art) 

Steve likes the Science Professor who lives across the hall.

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Yes to heaven by jayjayverse for magicasen (616, 1.1k words/art) 

All started with a clear change of smell, it was subtle, slow in a way that if Janet had not told him he would not have noticed, but after that he just could not help noticing every little sign.

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Eleven Years by One and Five Nines (Obani) for Impala Chick (MCU, 2.2k words) 

*ENDGAME SPOILERS* After the final battle, Steve comes around to Tony’s house. He’s not sure how things stand with Tony, but at least Morgan likes him.

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Frostbite by FestiveFerret for DepressingGreenie (MCU, 5.4k words) 

They’ve found where Steve is being kept - he has to be in this building - but JARVIS can’t find a heat signature, and Tony knows what that means.

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[art fill] second chances by Priestly for kiden (MCU, art) 

“Regret is corrosive. And I hate it.” 

“Me too.” 

Together, Steve and Tony can save half of all life on Earth. And if they’re lucky enough, maybe they can even save their relationship. Art fill!

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We’re Going Off Script by ishipallthings for FreyaS (MCU, 5.2k words) 

“Or, maybe you just need practice?” Steve blinks at Tony’s question, confused. Maybe Tony needs more sleep than he thought. He’ll have to check with JARVIS. 

“Practice - at dating?”

(Steve needs help in the dating department. Tony is happy to help out, because he’s a very good friend. That’s definitely the only reason.)

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One Throw of the Dice by Wikketkrikket for dirigibleplumbing (616/Ults/3490/1872, 5.7k words) 

Steve shrugged, pulling on his shirt. ‘It’s not like it’s Jane or no-one. Everyone gets more than one throw of the dice, Tony.’ 

He only realised his mistake when Tony didn’t say anything, turning away too quickly when Steve turned to look at him. It didn’t take too much thought to connect the dots. Tony did think you only got one throw of the dice. Tony thought he, Steve, was that one. The One. 

In which they realise Tony loves Steve more than Steve loves him. But it’s kind of hard to work through it when the Skrulls interfere, and scatter your sense of self to the multiverse.

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Hands Out In The Dark by XtaticPearl for ashes0909 (MCU, 44.4k words) 

When Thanos died the first time, it was anybody’s guess that the end of the journey had been reached. Sometimes though, a bad end becomes the opening to an unexpected but good beginning, and a tired Steve Rogers learns that in the five years it takes for him to get back to a battlefield. The years after that, well that was a story he hadn’t considered until life gave him the chance to try. What he ended up writing, whom he wrote it with, and why it all ended on a bench in New York - there were stories even a Time Stone hadn’t expected.

sun in an empty room by farawatt for nanasekei (MCU/Ults/616, 2.3k words) 

Melancholy is dangerous.

It’s funny how you forgive the past to try and revive it.

———————————–

A Long Road To Share by SirSapling for daisybelle (Ults, art) 

After 50 years in the ice and a couple exhausting years leading the Ultimates, Steve realises he isn’t quite sure he knows anything about the new modern America he’s supposed to represent. Luckily, Tony has an idea how to show him.

———————————–

Dare I Say Forever by royal_chandler for herioneaddict (MCU, 4.2k words) 

Naive and young, Steve had thought about it. He’d allowed himself to dream of post-war, matching gold bands and a white picket fence penning in a rambunctious pair of children. 

However, there’s no such thing as post-war.

[nicoleignn]

INMOOV|ROBOT LOVE - digging deeper

INTRODUCTION

In 2012, French sculptor and designer Gael Langevin started his project called ‘InMoove’. It started as a hand prothesis and, over time, developed into a human-size 3D-printed robot that is able to talk, see,  move and hold onto something. It is now even possible to build your own version of this robot, since there is an open access to all information. The network shares the knowledge and innovation about the robot and its technology. Langevin believes that a huge benefit of this project being open-source is that it is enabled to have a wide reach and thereby goes through a larger development.

In 2015, a photographer Yethy proposed to do a photo session in Gael’s workshop with whatever moods and feelings the author of the artwork had.  The photograph they made is the piece I want to apply digging deeper to and express my feelings towards it.  

Unfortunately, I can't post the photograph because of Tumblr restrictions, however, it can be found here : http://inmoov.fr/gallery-v2/ (robot holding a baby)

What I find particularly appealing about this artwork is the contrast and the controversial meaning behind it. Baby skin in the photograph looks very soft, warm and sensitive, while robot ‘skin’ looks rather cold and harsh. Moreover, baby is sitting in a very natural way comparing to the robot, whose moves look dramatically artificial and have absolutely nothing to do with love and happiness that comes from a real person holding a baby. Also, the high contrast dissimulates the face of the baby, just like InMoov seem to come out from the darkness. Robot is not even looking at the baby, its face looks emotionless, and the baby himself/herself is turned away from robots’s face.

All these aspects that I have noticed might be pointing out the down-side of technological revolution. I strongly believe that soul and emotions are the things that separate us, human beings from animals, plants and machines. However, as can be seen through this artwork, there is no way robots can replace humans in these manifestations of humanity, because they are lacking the most important ingredients that I have aforementioned.

Even though the robot holding a baby might have been an attempt to convince that the future of technological revolution is alright and we can absolutely trust robots (since babies are really fragile and the one who’s holding it must be extremely trustful), I wouldn't agree with such statement. This photograph is giving me scary thoughts about our future: are humans going to be replaced with robots? Are robots going to raise children? If this robot is holding a baby, might he/she be baby’s parent? If yes, how does it feel like to be in a relationship with a machine? I do hope that we will never know.

Even though this piece gives me goosebumps, I find it very meaningful and successful, since it has literally brought my ideas about the frightening future to life and gave me some thoughts about the power of lighting, arrangement and photography itself. I feel that a strong quote added to this photograph would make the message even stronger, although, making a poster out of this work rather than a photograph.

3:1 KEY THEMES OF THE ARTWORK

Robot

Technology

Photography

Contrast

Relationship

3:2 WORD ASSOCIATION

Robot: artificial, emotionless, soulless, artificial intelligence, individuality, uniqueness, character, habits, attitude, person, human being, humanity, humanism.

Technology: progress, future, computer, robotic, mechanism, remote-controlled, programmed.

Photography: art, white balance, ISO, arrangement, lighting, background, model, message, hidden message, meaning.

Contrast: black and white, comparison, difference.

Relationship: love, trust, human, real, natural, fake, artificial, unreal, sci-fi, future, disaster, apocalypse.

3:3 RELATED ARTICLES:

‘Hi, Robot’ by Frieze

An article focusing on the second-wave effects of the ‘digital revolution’, or the capacities for automation, AI, and robotics to fundamentally shift the ways we work, speak, relate, love, criminalize and, yes, perhaps obliterate one another. It insists on asking yourself: so will the robots kill us all or will we do it ourselves? In an age of automation and robotics, how will we relate to one another? Do we need a new code of ethics? It also includes a review of the exhibition ‘Hello, Robot”, focused on ‘design’ as an interface between human and the machine. There is a small extract from the article that summaries my thoughts and gives a hope for a better future: ‘If our robots have developed, then our feelings for and against them largely haven’t: they still serve as playthings for us humans to live out our dreams, hatred and perhaps love.’

‘Artificial Amsterdam: The City As An Artwork’ by e-flux

An article about the exhibition, that depicts how the dynamic of cities is causing dramatic changes in society and culture worldwide. Cities are experiencing vast damage, economic, social and cultural shocks that they are not prepared to assume. Amsterdam is the opposite example of a city from disappearing into the waters. The term ‘artificial’ pops frequently when referring to Amsterdam. It does not only allude to the physical character of a city ‘stolen’ to the sea, but to a general feeling about the city’s life, culture, its submission to tourism, its paradoxical ruled liberality… a place where everything is under control, impost card city.

‘All Too Human Dinner” by TATE

This article does not aim to review any artworks, it is rather an announcement, informing that visitors go the ‘All Too Human’ exhibition will be able to have a dinner provided by Tate Britain afterwards. The relationship between the name of the exhibition and picture of food made me think of humanity and our natural habits regarding consuming food, which has become a ritual, even a cult nowadays. Is this food religion going to disappear along with the digital revolution?

3:4 WHAT I THINK ARTIST HAS RESEARCHED WHILE MAKING THIS WORK

Ironically, human body and its functions, in order to build a proper, human-looking robot. As for the photograph, I think he must have researched old renaissance paintings illustrating bright emotions and feelings, human relationship, in order to compare it to relationship between human and a machine. I feel that the famous icon of Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus was taken as an example for the arrangement and composition of the photograph. Comparing Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ to a robot holding a baby is extremely brave and provoking; a throwback to history of humanity and sneak-peak to the future where it might disappear. Obviously, an important aspect of the research must have been human feelings from the psychological point of view; how people are going to view the artwork and what kid of feelings towards it are going to appear, what this piece reminds of and how it can provoke the debate insight viewers’ mind.

HOW THE ARTWORK RELATES TO CURRENT NEWS

One of the most considerable and questionable inventions of our century is, undoubtedly, crypto currency, which arises questions similar to those that appear while thinking of digital revolution and robots: why was it created? How is it going to change our lives? Is it going to replace or destroy the existing system? Cryptocurrency, although being decentralised, is not gaining trust from the major percentage of population, just like artificial intelligence and robots. Nobody knows the true aim of making those aforementioned and how cryptocurrency and robots are going to change our lives. Even though crypto currency, such as Bitcoin or Ethereum, is made for human-use, it seems like someone is giving us a hint that soon we will only have digital currency for digital beings.

Since technological revolution is taking our world by storm, this artwork can relate to many current events in this field: the strikingly expressive android child’s face, developed on November 15, 2018 in Osaka University, flexible electronic skin for human-machine interactions, presented on November 28, 2018 by American Chemical society and many more. All these inventions are super promising and high-brow, yet so frightening and warning.

HOW THE ARTWORK RELATES TO HISTORY

The first historical event that pops in my head while looking at this artwork is the invention of the first computer. The first mechanical computer, created by Charles Babbage in 1822, doesn't really resemble what most would consider a computer today. Therefore, this document has been created with a listing of each of the computer firsts, starting with the Difference Engine and leading up to the computers we use today. The word "computer" was first recorded as being used in 1613 and originally was used to describe a human who performed calculations or computations. The definition of a computer remained the same until the end of the 19th century, when the industrial revolution gave rise to machines whose primary purpose was calculating.

I feel that this life-changing invention has started the thing we now call ‘digital revolution' in its worst sense, exposing peoples’ personal space into social media and replacing spiritual values with those non-existing digital ones.

RELATED ARTICLES

‘Hi, Robot’ by Frieze

An article focusing on the second-wave effects of the ‘digital revolution’, or the capacities for automation, AI, and robotics to fundamentally shift the ways we work, speak, relate, love, criminalize and, yes, perhaps obliterate one another. It insists on asking yourself: so will the robots kill us all or will we do it ourselves? In an age of automation and robotics, how will we relate to one another? Do we need a new code of ethics? It also includes a review of the exhibition ‘Hello, Robot”, focused on ‘design’ as an interface between human and the machine. There is a small extract from the article that summaries my thoughts and gives a hope for a better future: ‘If our robots have developed, then our feelings for and against them largely haven’t: they still serve as playthings for us humans to live out our dreams, hatred and perhaps love.’

‘Artificial Amsterdam: The City As An Artwork’ by e-flux

An article about the exhibition, that depicts how the dynamic of cities is causing dramatic changes in society and culture worldwide. Cities are experiencing vast damage, economic, social and cultural shocks that they are not prepared to assume. Amsterdam is the opposite example of a city from disappearing into the waters. The term ‘artificial’ pops frequently when referring to Amsterdam. It does not only allude to the physical character of a city ‘stolen’ to the sea, but to a general feeling about the city’s life, culture, its submission to tourism, its paradoxical ruled liberality… a place where everything is under control, impost card city.

‘All Too Human Dinner” by TATE

This article does not aim to review any artworks, it is rather an announcement, informing that visitors go the ‘All Too Human’ exhibition will be able to have a dinner provided by Tate Britain afterwards. The relationship between the name of the exhibition and picture of food made me think of humanity and our natural habits regarding consuming food, which has become a ritual, even a cult nowadays. Is this food religion going to disappear along with the digital revolution?

BOOKS IN THE LIBRARY

‘Is man a robot?’ by G.L.Simons, 1939

‘Becoming a robot’ by Narn June Paik, 2014

‘A guide to digital revolution’ by PACS, 2006

‘How machines think: a general introduction to artificial intelligence’ by Nigel Ford, 1987

‘Artificial Intelligence’ by Patrick Henry Winston, 1992

3:5 SUMMARY

In conclusion, referring to the expanded research and applying it to the original artwork, it becomes obvious that digital revolution is both a great invention and a huge issue of our age. As anything else, it has both benefits and drawbacks, however, looking back at the original artwork, it seems that those down-sides outweigh the pluses of robots and digitalising process. The more digital creations are being developed, the more humanity is dying. InMoove is a very successful piece that illustrates frustrating and frightening future, a future without kindness, love, individuality and, unfortunately, humanity.

This expanded research gave me an astonishing abundance of thoughts regarding digital revolution and my own artworks. I might relate my art to my apocalyptic view of the future, expanded and developed by this research.

I would like end by summarising the moral of this research through Erich Fromm’s quote: ‘he danger of the past was that men became slaves. The danger of the future is that men may become robots.’

[purplesurveys]

183

Have you ever painted a car? No. Please don’t trust me with any art material whatsoever. What’s the brand of your sneakers? I have several brands, but I use my Keds the most. Are there any gnomes in your yard? Nope that’s generally not a thing here. When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? I was in school yesterday and they have university-wide free wi-fi. Do you ever have to write down a phone number to remember it, or not? Always. I mean I have a decent memory, but I write it down because I want to be sure about the number and because I always tend to forget something the moment I have to remember them.

When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it?  I’m sucky when it comes to pain so I avoid doing anything to be stung. That being said, it’s never happened to me. If you have an itouch or iphone, what would you consider your favorite App? Twitter. What is one part on your body that hurts at this moment, if anything? My back is itchy and it’s getting annoying, but there’s nothing that hurts. Are you gonna buy lottery tickets when you’re old enough? Nope. What’s the last thing your parents yelled at you about?  Something about keeping my dog in the room because there was a guest coming over. My mom yelled at me as soon as I opened the door. I had been having a bad night as it is, so when she screamed at me I got overwhelmed and got another attack again. Lovely.

Do you forget things easily? The little things, yes. My memory works funny–I can forget to turn off the light in my car, or to lock the front door, or to wear my school ID; but I never forget full conversations, facial expressions, irrelevant quotes, etc. Have you ever been into a real cave? Yup. I’ve been to one in Palawan. I was also going to go to one in Sagada, but I didn’t have the proper shoes for it so I only opted to stay in the outskirts of the cave while my dad and his friends went all in. Does your local museum permit free entry to students? One museum in my university is free admission, the other is P20 which is super cheap that it counts as free. I Googled and it says that’s equivalent to 39 US cents. When your picture is being taken, do you smile with/without teeth, or do you not smile at all? I do both. Sometimes I’m conscious about my teeth and that’s when I smile without them. Have you ever posted mean comments on YouTube? No but I did post some fucking dumb ones. I was 10 and it was the first time I ever got access to internet so I didn’t know how to behave. I remember several comments I made got a bunch of thumbs down because I had no idea what the hell I was talking about. Looking back on it, I shouldn’t have been given internet access until I was 13 ugh. What are you so sick of?  Donald fucking Trump. Doesn’t orange juice taste terrible after you brush your teeth? I don’t know, I don’t drink orange juice in the morning. What’s your favorite type of seafood? (i.e. shrimp, lobster, etc.) No seafood discrimination here buddy. I would eat anything. Have you ever been to Florida? No, not really a vacation spot for me. What’s your favourite season? I’ve always said I think I would love winter if I did get to experience it. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? No, not my last name. Although for a while people picked on my maiden name because the perpetrator for a local massacre 8 years ago had the same first name. What did you eat for dinner last night, if anything? Was it good or bad? I didn’t eat anything for dinner, was feeling too low to do so. Have you ever told someone, besides family, that you love them and meant it? Of course. Has anyone ever called your personality dull? Do you agree with them? ...Myself. Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in life?  No, I’m 110% sure this was bought somewhere. Would you ever have a child just to get someone to fall in love with you? The fuck. And drag the kid into the problem? Who was the last person to call you? How long did you two talk?  Gab, around 30 minutes. Can you tell when people are lying or telling the truth? Most of the time I can tell if they are lying. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Never. Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always?  Whenever I feel like I’m starting to be snippy to others, I think that, yes. I need work on it, though. Do you ever look in the mirror and name all of your flaws for no reason? Hahaha yeah. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? None because I don’t put myself in any situation that will put me in the hospital because scared. The worst I had to go through was having to have a dextrose injection. I’m deathly afraid of shots, so as a 12 year old grown ass child (who was also having a 40ºC fever at the time) I didn’t think anything wrong about throwing a fit in front of my grandmother and constantly shoving the nurse away from me. Have you ever personally witnessed a drug deal before? No, I stay away from those crowds. Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? Nope. Do you know how wide your hips are in exact inches, or not? I don’t. Have you ever met someone in person that you met online? Yeah. Rafie and Jila were absolute sweethearts and I met them both during WWE’s Manila show. I met Javi when I lent him one of my books and he and his friend were the biggest pieces of shit I had ever met. I let him keep the book for a year and a half just because I dreaded seeing him again. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? Yeah, because that is not a word you use in a normal setting. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for?  Nope, just x-rays. Where is somewhere you’re excited to go in the next few days? Hah can I just stay at home plz. We have a week-long break from school and I have zero plans to go anywhere. The bed shall be my best friend. What color is your digital camera, if you have one? I don’t own one. What time is it where you are currently? 2:54 AM. Have you got any half or step siblings? No...ne that I know of. Jk no I really don’t. When was the last time you had wet hair? This afternoon. I took a bath before heading out. Do you like kids’ movies? I love most of them. When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have? February. Fever that lasted five hours. When did you last wash your hair? Again, this afternoon. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? As far as I know, no. Who did you last speak aloud to and what did you say? No idea. Must have been Gab like 9 hours ago. I spoke very little after that because depression ruins everything. Do you have any homework to do? Lots, but I have the entire week to do them, so. Have you ever been to Manhattan? No. Did you get swine flu? I didn’t. Do you know anyone from Alabama? No. How bright is it in the room you’re in? Really dark. The only light source is my laptop. What can you smell right now?  I’ve gotten used to the scent in my room so at least to me, it doesn’t smell like anything at the moment. Are there any teachers that simply hate you? LOL, that was my life in grade school and high school. Shoutout to Ms. Chelle, Ms. Belen, and Ms. Tin who I knew couldn’t stand me. Have you ever bought a game from a site like Big Fish Games or Shockwave? Never did. What were you last at the doctor for? Just an annual exam. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? No. I remember when I kept trying to convince myself I could get over the fantasy aspect of it and enjoy. Good times.

[hayleylovesyou2]

Bobby Died.

This morning work was cancelled after what felt like a too-long-holiday with too-much-time alone … I found the article “When An Ex Dies” (http://www.nextavenue.org/no-place-grief-ex-dies/) in my FB feed, detailing the unexpected death of an ex-husband - father of her children, remarried with a teenage son - and finding her place in the grieving process. They were no longer friends, didn’t talk much, but their lives were intimately intertwined for longer than not.

Then a google search uncovered a Hello Giggles piece on the death of an ex-boyfriend, hospitalized for 28 days before dying of heart failure, and the strange space that occupies.  Once inseparable, but never married. Close with family, but that was 2 years ago. Would he have wanted her there? Was she allowed to be with his family? She had a month as he was hospitalized to wrestle these questions.

It made me think about what happens when we’re socially denied the right to our feelings. our experiences. What happens when we’re alone with our pain and not allowed to grieve.

Because more than what happens when an ex dies, I wonder.

What happens if an ex dies, and no one knows you existed. And he died quickly. 

And horribly.

I used to joke “boyfriend” was a strong word, though that’s what I call him today. It’s easier. Feels true. But in the moment before Facebook, there was no “it’s complicated” to point to. Did we date? We did go “out” once or twice. Whispering in halls after class, a subtle graze on the shoulder, little secret pinch at our mutual work. After visits at 2am, or nights he didn’t go home. We knew what the other looked like without any clothes. Mostly, we wrote. Corresponded like old-fashioned pen-pals in an emerging digital age. Livejournal, Xanga, Myspace, Deviant Art, OkCupid, AIM. He was a beautiful writer, photographer, creator. He could turn a phrase in the way that sparked my heart and ignited my brain, activating my desire to create that had waned in a dead, ill-matched-to-me place. He inspired me to write as much and as well as he did. I’d churn out content in hopes for a comment, like, response. Experiment. To impress. We’d chat for hours in our separate rooms on our separate giant desktop computers about how isolating being somewhere we didn’t feel like we belonged felt, and why we stayed, our plans to get out. His brain worked the same way my brain did. Neither of us had a southern accent. We liked the same films, music, politics. In any other city or timeline - in a healthy world - this would sound eye-rollingly mundane. But in my accidental religious college I felt trapped in, landlocked in a rural corner of a rural state that was so far from what I wanted and where I wanted to be … it felt like magic to have found him. And to have found him by accident. At the last possible second. It was a psychic, emotional, intellectual connection. Bobby meant the world to me. But we didn’t date. I wasn’t his girlfriend. His friends didn’t get it, and were kept out of the loop. No one knew what I thought I knew. That my love for Bobby was true.

But I was not the love of his life.

He had a crush on a gentle British soccer player named Jenny, who he told me about … later. His blog posts, vague odes to love … we’re not about me, as I had thought. Hoped. Wondered. But his love was also unrequited, and that didn’t stop the sleepovers. Pinches. Hours crafting kinetic poetic essays on AIM.

We met on a media-arts trip to Dallas. I had seen him, but we’d never spoken. He was classically attractive - over 6ft tall, awkward and hunchy. A recently nerdy chubby boy who had no idea what effect he could have on a girl. In Georgia … at that school … I naturally assumed the worst, about a blonde boy with big steel-blue eyes. Everyone was conservative, Baptist, liked hunting, sports, and the other things that didn’t impress my bitterly equally stereotypical 90s-gothy-art heart. But we’d moved into the aughts, and the Iraq War was underway, and I’d given up on finding anyone who made me feel anything other than invisible, impossibly lonely, terrifyingly hated. So that day in Dallas, i wagered I was ½ way to L.A. And I started driving west, away. But I got a call that some of the “yearbook kids” wanted to go with me to see Margaret Cho, a show nearby I’d found, that the “newspaper” crew had all turned down. And yeah, traffic was bad. And sure, I’d left all my clothes at the hotel. So I figured we’d go see the show, THEN I’d run away. Just in time, I picked them up. And that’s when I first met Bobby, and fell.

My CD case was filled with bizarre mixes from the expiring gasp of Napster’s bastard child, and film soundtracks. And usually Cats, just to piss people off. One previous attempt at college friendship led to a girl I was driving up the mountain to mock a really dumb song by an awful band about pinball (and the wizards who sure could play it) while I tried not to beat myself to death on the steering wheel. So I fired up a “weirder” CD* - Kill Bill soundtrack I think - to defiantly be me in front of these strangers I was sure were about to offend me. (*Obviously this is hardly a weird soundtrack, but this is Georgia, 2003.)

But Bobby knew what it was, basic though now it seems. Excited. We talked about the movie enthusiastically, the first person I got to discuss it with, the whole drive there. The rest of the car was offended by Cho - half the audience walked out when she tackled Iraq - but Bobby and I easily agreed. It didn’t matter it wasn’t funny. Nothing had been funny in over 2 years. And we both found we weren’t easy to offend, at least not with rebel trappings of sex, drugs, and political whims. We parted that night with lingering eye contact, a shy smile. A plan to see a movie the next night while everyone else watched football.

I stayed. I didn’t run away to LA.

The next night, during the final Matrix film, our pinkies teased, curious and unsure, creeping back and forth around excuses to pass popcorn and fake scares, until we finally held hands. After, in the hotel, I wanted to show him something in another room. I’d never felt that kind of clean attraction, never felt it so confidently, boldly. We talked close. Then forehead to forehead. Then lips to lips. Talking, still. Giggling. We kissed. 

Until a yearbook kid, jealous? perhaps? barged in and told Bobby they had all decided to leave for home, immediately, so pack up. I could come, too, but they wouldn’t wait. I had driven 4 other members of newspaper, so I ran to their rooms and desperately tried to convince them to leave. Or Bobby would stay, if one of them would trade. But of course not, disappointment reigned. I offered to leave my car. They called me selfish. Bobby left. I stayed.

Our time was short. 3 months, tops. We saw each other, touched each other, he took me to the homecoming dance as my first, proper date. We danced. He was an early adopter of the White Stripes, such a relief from a sea of Creed, and we’d talk, listen, dream. But for the crush I had on him, he didn’t have the same on me, despite our mental connection, and as I slowly (very slowly) let that settle in … I didn’t take it very well. I took it very not well. So not well I can’t really remember the next phase. Before you judge too harshly, a sad girl who blacked out when another flawed human didn’t turn into a prince, a savior, turning this story into a fairy tale. Please understand how dire it had been right before he appeared. Sometimes I think the universe sent him to me to keep me safe, from running away, to finish out a final semester in one piece. A little kindness, a booster seat. Bobby was always meant to be short lived.

The last night before winter break he said he was going to come over, then said he was coming with friends. I bribed older kids to buy me $50 worth of beer. Also picked up a party platter, so they’d like me, I was scared of his friends. It was a redemption, a chance to reconcile. But he didn’t come. I texted, he stopped replying. Called more times than socially acceptable. But at 2:30am the doorbell rang. Bobby had come! He cared! And I bounded to greet him … only it wasn’t him. It was a strung out stranger, raging, who started hitting me, tried to push his way in. I fought him off and locked the door, called 911 who told me it wasn’t real. Called Bobby, who finally answered and told me I was lying for attention, insane. My parents got me the next day. And I never returned to Georgia.

I started a new school in January. I knew it was necessary, but I was still in love with Bobby. We kept talking, blogging, calling. I was lonely and would photograph my new surroundings and send the pictures to him, for critiques.  We’d set concert dates that fell apart hours beforehand. I shipped him t-shirts as surprises he never admitted receiving. I visited near spring break with a box of gifts, $100 of books and tschotskes that I individually wrapped and carefully decorated with quotes from his favorite books, songs, Jack White, films. I dropped it off at his dorm, but he said he never got it. He said it was stolen, and i was an idiot for leaving it. He had told me he’d be there, so I sat outside awhile and called, waited, asked his hallmates where he was. Said I made him look like an asshole, a bad guy, and he was done dealing with me. I still believe he had the gift, maybe threw it away without opening it in a fit, but something always felt off about his recounting of events. Later I learned he had fallen in love with a girl he followed to Honduras, and was at a concert with her that day. It was all over a then secret blog, one I found after he was gone. I was at a new school and met new people. Hurt, changing, our connection faded out. In person, I never saw him again, though sometimes I’d quietly and secretly check in.

My birthday 2006, he messaged me. First time in forever. He apologized, said he often thought of me, and hoped i was well. I cautiously wished the same. He had decided to stay in town a year after graduation to stay with his friends, I was a super-senior due to the transfer and in no rush because I had essentially started all over again. He got his first job as an AD on a small feature shooting in town and was writing again. I ran my school film committee, and was wrapping up a degree with a minor in cinema. I saw a future unfold in front of me, how Bobby would return to me, where we’d reunite, as collaborators at least, in film, in Los Angeles, CA. We chatted on FB and joked about films, pop culture, cylons. Do you remember the early days of social media? When Facebook would email you when you got a wall post or comment, but it just would just say “Bobby posted on your wall!” to send you to go and check.

And in late January 2007, I received a series of these emails saying Bobby had commented on a photo, posted on my wall. But he must have deleted them, I never saw what he said. I was newly embroiled in a tumultuous, confusing relationship and didn’t reach out to ask, though it struck me more than it should. He also seemed to be in a new relationship he was pretty into, posting vague poetry and odes to love. He posted on Valentines Weekend 2007 that he was fixing something that was long overdue. To do it right, finally. It sounded confident, optimistic, resolute.

The same Valentines Weekend of 2007, I was to go to a protest in Washington D.C., but I pulled out at the last minute. I had a feeling in my chest, a dread, an inner scream too loud to ignore, but too deep to let out. So I lied and said I had a funeral to attend on Tuesday, throwing my favorite aunt under the bus. I felt weird, dark, scared. I was convinced something bad was going to happen – it was icy, maybe there was going to be a wreck? I was low on money, I said. They were mad I flaked, and left me alone, behind.

Now you could say I saw it immediately, but it took me a full 3 days to “see.”

His post had a lot of comments, maybe everyone knew what he was talking about, or it was a quote I had missed, I speculated. I talked to my co-worker (who I ALSO had had a huge crush on) about him, told him about Bobby, how I had loved him. That they were both talented. Maybe we’d all work together some day. This was Friday.

There were an unusual number of pictures on FB about Bobby. I smiled. I loved Bobby. These were great pictures. I should ask him what he wrote on my wall.

There were an unusual amount of comments about Bobby. About Bobby being a good guy. I smiled. Bobby was a great guy. Not even weird, everyone knew it. We’d had our pain, and troubles, but I loved Bobby dearly. This was Saturday.

Then in the early AM … all my friends in Washington DC … I it. I saw the “was.”  Bobby ‘was’ such a great guy.

Even then, I was like “what did Bobby do? Did he get in trouble? Is he not a good guy?”

“Bobby was a great guy, I’m shocked by the news, I don’t believe it.”

WHAT NEWS.

“Bobby was so kind, he didn’t deserve this.” Comment after comment, picture after picture, reality came into view.

Bobby had died over Valentines Weekend, 2007.

Bobby didn’t just die. He died badly.

And Bobby didn’t die in an accident, though that is what they told his aging dad.

Bobby was murdered. Brutally. 

Murdered running for his life after his girlfriend, who he was naked in bed with the morning after Valentines day, was killed at close range.

Murdered by her ex, a sad man who seemed confused he couldn’t own someone, a weak man sent by the devil to take two bright, shinning lives, when he found them in her home when he showed up unannounced. So went to his car, grabbed his good-ole-boy gun, and shot them both more times than is needed to kill someone. She was in the bedroom. Bobby made it to the front lawn. I couldn’t breathe. He was gone. His Facebook status was updated in the wee am to “Bobby is dead.” 

A memorial group was set up, in it’s haste called “Bobby: You Won’t Never Be Forgotten” and a girl from the car that night in Dallas kindly added me. No one knew what to do. So jokes were made.

And there was a funeral. It was Tuesday.

—-

He was my highest match on a dating site in the whole southeast for years. When we met, we were 84%. And the thing about the dating site was … they didn’t delete his profile. It stayed up almost 10 years. This year, 2016, was the year it finally disappeared. And this year … we matched at 99%. I know that is who I am with who he was, but still. 99%.

I live in LA now … and I think I live here for him. He would’ve been so much more successful than me, so much more easily. But I think I fight for him. I need to make something for him, because he couldn’t. I need to be something, someone. Because he never will.

And I think of Bobby everytime I hear Jack White. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes it hurts too much. I had a White Stripes song in my head just last night. I guess that’s part of what triggered this today. It’s so easy to get laughed at, getting emotional at songs from a band who are currently pretty basic and passé. Wanting to tell, but think no one cares?

What do you do when you loved someone who died, and you’re not allowed to love them?

I don’t know if Bobby wants my love, or appreciates it, or it matters to him in death. If he’d want me to keep talking about him, or pretending like I have a right to a piece of him. But based on the last time we really talked, I hope he would understand. And appreciate. And that this love … though not a reciprocated romantic love … was still valuable.

Because I will always deeply love Bobby. And in 6 weeks, he’ll have been gone 10 years.

I don’t want to be trapped by the past. Caught up in pain. This year I want to honor Bobby in a positive way … by making something for him. To honor him.

I hope I can.

[isaidhay]

This morning, after learning work was cancelled after what felt like a too-long-holiday with too-much-time spent alone, with myself, to think ... I stumbled on the article “When An Ex Dies” (http://www.nextavenue.org/no-place-grief-ex-dies/) in my FB feed, detailing the unexpected death of an ex-husband - father of her children - remarried with a teenage son - and her place in the grieving process. They were no longer friends, didn't talk much, but their lives were intimately intertwined for longer than not. A google search also uncovered a Hello Giggles piece on the death of an ex-boyfriend, hospitalized for 28 days before dying of heart failure, and the strange space that occupies.  Once inseparable, but never married. Close with family, but that was 2 years ago. What is her place? Would he have wanted her there? Was she allowed the proximity to actively grieve? She had a month as he declined to tackle these questions. It made me think about what happens when we’re socially denied the right to our feelings. our experiences. What happens when we’re alone with our pain and not allowed to grieve.  Because more than what happens when an ex dies, I wonder. What happens if an ex dies, and no one knows you exist.  I used to joke “boyfriend” was a strong word, though that’s what I call him today. It’s easier. Feels true. But in the moment before Facebook, there was no “it’s complicated” to point to. Did we date? We did go “out” once or twice. Whispering in halls after class, a subtle graze on the shoulder, little secret pinch at our mutual work. After visits . We knew what the other looked like without any clothes, but mostly we knew how the other one thought. Mostly, we wrote. Corresponded like old-fashioned pen-pals in an emerging digital age. Livejournal, Xanga, Myspace, Deviant Art, OkCupid, AIM. He was a beautiful writer, photographer, creator. He could turn a phrase in the way that sparked my heart and ignited my brain, activating my desire to create that had waned in this dead, ill-matched place. He inspired me to write as much and as well as he did. I’d churn out content in hopes for a comment. Experiment. Try to impress him. We’d chat for hours in our separate rooms on our separate giant desktop computers about how isolating being somewhere we didn’t feel like we belonged felt, and why we stayed, our plans to get out. His brain worked the same way my brain did. Neither of us had a southern accent. We liked the same films, music, politics. In any other city or timeline - in a healthy world - this would sound eye-rollingly mundane. But in my accidental religious college I felt trapped in, landlocked in a rural corner of a rural state that was so far from what I wanted and where I wanted to be ... it felt like magic to have found him. And to have found him by accident. At the last possible second. It was a psychic, emotional, intellectual connection. Bobby meant the world to me. But we didn’t date. I wasn’t his girlfriend. His friends didn’t get it, and were kept out of the loop. No one knew what I thought I knew. That Bobby was the love of my life. But I was not the love of his.  He had a crush on a gentle British soccer player named Jenny, who he told me about ... later. His blog posts, vague odes to love ... we’re not actually about me, as I had thought. But that didn’t stop the sleepovers. Pinches. Hours on AIM. We met on a media-arts trip to Dallas. I had seen him, but we’d never spoken. He was classically handsome - over 6ft tall, blonde, huge blue eyes, awkward and hunchy. A recently nerdy chubby boy who had no idea what he was about to be able to do to women. In Georgia ... at that school ... I naturally assumed the worst about my peers, more because I didn’t want to be there and I assumed they all did. Everyone was conservative, Baptist, liked hunting, sports, and the other things that didn’t impress my bitterly equally stereotypical 90s-Daria-gothy-art heart. But we’d moved into the aughts, and the Iraq War was underway, and I’d given up on finding anyone who made me feel anything other than invisible, hated, fundamentally wrong. So in Dallas, i wagered I was 1/2 way to L.A. And I started driving west, away. But I got a call that some of the year book kids wanted to go with me to see Margaret Cho, a show nearby I’d found. And traffic was bad. And I’d left all my clothes at the hotel. So I figured we’d go, THEN I’d run away. Just in time, I picked them up. And Bobby was there.  My CD case was filled with bizarre mixes from the dying gasp of Napster’s bastard child, Limewire, and film soundtracks. And usually Cats, if I felt mean to my passengers. One attempt at college friendship led to a girl I was driving up the mountain to aggressively mock a really dumb song by an awful about pinball (and the wizards who sure could play it) while I tried not to beat myself to death on the steering wheel. Like, she couldn’t believe it was a song or a band existed that would play it, then requested some Creed or DC Talk. I couldn’t believe I was in a place so wrong-for-me I had to defend that ‘The Who’ existed. So I fired up a “weirder” CD - Kill Bill soundtrack I think - to defiantly be me in front of these strangers I was sure were about to offend me. But Bobby knew what it was. Excited. Agreed. We talked about the movie enthusiastically, the first person I got to discuss it with, the whole drive there. The rest of the car was offended by Cho - half the audience walked out when she spoke out against Iraq - but Bobby and I agreed with her. It didn’t matter it wasn’t funny. It seemed important. And it was really hard to offend us. We parted that night with a little smile. A plan to see a movie the next night while everyone else watched a football game.  I didn’t run away to LA. The next night, during the final Matrix film, our pinkies teased each others, curious, creeping back and forth around excuses to pass popcorn and fake scares, until we finally held hands. After, in the hotel, I wanted to show him something in another room. I’d never felt that kind of clean attraction, never felt it so confidently, boldly. We talked close. Then forehead to forehead. Then we kissed. And we didn’t stop.  Until a yearbook kid (I was newspaper, you see) barged in and told Bobby they had all decided they were leaving that night instead, so pack up, he was driving. I could come, too, but they wouldn’t wait. I had driven 4 other members of newspaper, so I ran to their rooms and desperately tried to convince them to leave, too. But they didn’t. I offered to leave my car. They called me selfish. Bobby left. I stayed and cried.  Our time together was short. 3 months. We saw each other a lot, touched a lot, he took me to the homecoming dance as my first, proper date. He was an early adopter of the White Stripes, such a relief from a sea of Creed, and we’d talk, kiss, listen. But for the crush I had on him, he didn’t have the same on me, despite our obvious mental connection, and as I slowly (very slowly) let that settle in ... I didn’t take it very well. I took it really quite very poorly. It got really dark. And please understand how dire it had gotten right before he appeared. Sometimes I think the universe sent him to me to keep me safe, from running away, to finish out the semester at school in one piece.  The last night before winter break he said he was going to come over, then said he was coming with friends. I bought a bunch of beer, because I’d been 21 a solid 6 weeks and COULD. Also picked up a party platter, so they’d like me. And waited. He didn’t come. I texted, he stopped answering. But at 2:30am the doorbell rang and I bounded to receive him ... only it wasn’t him, it was a strung out stranger who started hitting me, tried to barge in. I fought him off and locked the door. My parents got me the next day and loaded me up.  I started a new school in January. No one knew I was leaving, but I was relieved to never come back ... except I was still in love with Bobby. We kept talking, blogging, AIM’ing. I was lonely and would photograph my new campus and scan the pictures to him, for critiques. He was impressed. We’d set concert dates that fell apart last minute. I shipped him t-shirts I thought he’d like, but he never admitted receiving. I visited with a box of gifts, $100 of books and tschotskes that I individually wrapped and carefully decorated with quotes from his favorite books, films, songs. I delivered it, but he said he never got it. He said it was stolen, and i was an idiot for leaving it at his door. He had told me he’d be there, so I sat outside awhile and called, waited, asked his hallmates where he was. He said I made him look like an asshole, a bad guy, and he was done. I still believe he had it, maybe threw it away without opening it, but something always felt wrong. Later I learned he had fallen in love with a girl he later followed to Honduras, and was at a concert with her that day. It was all over a then secret blog. I was at a new school and met new people. Hurt, changing, our connection faded out. In person, I never saw him again, though sometimes I’d check in. My birthday 2006, he messaged me. First time in a long time. He apologized, said he thought of me often, and hoped i was well. I cautiously wished the same. He had decided to stay in town a year after graduation to stay with his friends, I was a super-senior due to the transfer and in no rush to get out, now that I could do-over college right. He got his first job as an AD on a small feature shooting in town and was writing again. I ran my school film committee, and was wrapping up a degree with a minor in screenwriting and cinema theory. I saw a future where we’d reunite, as collaborators, in LA. We chatted on FB and joked about cylons. Facebook used to email you when you got a wall post or comment, but it just would say to go check them out, not what they said.  In late January 2007, I received a series of these emails saying Bobby had commented on a photo, posted on my wall. But he must have deleted them, I never saw what he said. It drove me batty. But I was newly embroiled in a tumultuous, confusing relationship and didn’t reach out to ask. It was probably nothing. He also seemed to be in a new relationship he was pretty excited about. He posted on Valentines Weekend 2007 that he was fixing something he had long longed to. To do it right, finally, put everything right. The same Valentines Weekend of 2007, I was to go to a protest in Washington D.C., but I pulled out last second. I lied and said I had a funeral to attend on Tuesday. I felt weird, dark, scared. I was convinced something bad was going to happen -- it was icy, maybe there was going to be a wreck? I was low on money, I said. They were mad, and left me. I saw it immediately, but it took me 3 days to “see” it. His post had a lot of comments on it, I saw it and speculated. I talked to my co-worker (who I ALSO had had a huge crush on) about him, told him about Bobby, how I had loved him. That they were both talented. Maybe we’d all work together some day. This was Friday. There were an unusual number of pictures on FB about Bobby. I smiled. I loved Bobby. These were great pictures.  An unusual amount of comments about Bobby being a good guy. I smiled. Bobby was a great guy. Not even weird, everyone knew it. We’d had our pain, and troubles, but I loved Bobby dearly. This was Saturday. Then in the early AM ... all my friends in Washington DC ... I saw the “was.” My eyes let me see the “was.” Bobby ‘was’ a great guy. Even then, I was like “what did Bobby do? Did he get in trouble?” “Bobby was a great guy, I’m shocked and horrified by the news.”  WHAT NEWS. “Bobby was so kind, he didn’t deserve this.”  Bobby had died over Valentines Weekend, 2007. Bobby didn’t just die. He died badly. Very badly.  And Bobby didn’t die in an accident, though that is what they told his elderly father.  Bobby was murdered. Murdered running for his life after his girlfriend, who he was naked in bed with the morning after Valentines day, was also murdered. Murdered her ex, who found them in her home when he showed up unannounced, and went to his car, got a gun, and shot them both an insane number of times in cold blood. She was in the bedroom. Bobby made it to the front lawn. I couldn’t breathe. A memorial group was set up, and a girl from the car that night in Dallas kindly added me. There was a funeral. It was Tuesday. I hadn’t lied. ---- I had no one to talk to. And no real mutual friends with Bobby. The only friends who knew who I was only remembered the drama, or I assumed they would. I reached out with . They didn’t want or need me in their grief. But there was no place to put mine.  I put on a shirt of his he had left at my house. A ringer T with Mr. Rogers face, smiling. It said “You’re Special.” I’d wear it under my clothes everyday like secret underwear for the next several weeks. I couldn’t figure out how it happened, but I needed to know. What I saw in my head, the placement, the timeline, didn’t make sense. That week I’d have a dream as if I was watching it in real time. I understand now. I saw how it happened. It was horrible. I attended the funeral, saw some old teachers, friends, but I was alone in it. They didn’t know how I knew Bobby, just that we had some classes together. It was nice I came, they thought. I should sit in back, the front was reserved for his close friends. It was an open casket. I tried to get near, to look at him, but I fell down. I couldn’t get near. I kept buckling. I held onto an old newspaper co-worker, from behind, and looked around her to hold myself up. She commented I was always quirky. I flashed back to him sleeping in my bed. I thought of him sleeping, naked. He looked like he was sleeping. I felt ashamed. Ashamed to see that. I couldn’t tell anyone that. Even that I knew what he looked like asleep. He was buried with a t-shirt I had bought him. It was one of his favorites. I saw new pictures of him in it. He was buried along with photos he had displayed in his room. Including the first gift I ever gave him ... I blew up a picture he took and framed it. It was with him at the end. No one new that was also a part of me, either. I don't know why he had both. If he just really liked them. Or if he also liked them because there was also something good of me. I’ll never know, and probably not, but it helps me to believe. Over 300 people attended the funeral. Everyone loved Bobby. But it was a terrible funeral - a preacher who never met him excited to scare a bunch of young faces about drugs, adultery, hell. Hymns instead of White Stripes. Cold. It had nothing to do with Bobby. His friends would later have their own memorial. I wasn't invited ... they didn’t know me, didn’t know they should. A week later, i got a heavy fever and went into a hard dream, and the pain sort of lifted. Like I was in a warm bear hug. I felt like Bobby visited me, and apologized he had to wait so long to get to me, the list was long, and that he didn’t know it would hit me like it did.  But his death did hit me. It still hits me. He was my highest OKCupid match in the whole southeast for years after. When we met, we were 84%. And the thing about OkCupid was ... they didn’t delete his profile. It stayed up almost 10 years. This year, 2016, was the year it finally disappeared. And this year ... we matched at 99%. I know that is who I am with who he was, but still. 99%. I live in LA now ... and I think I live here for Bobby. He would’ve been so much more successful than me, so much more easily. But I think I fight for him. I need to make something for him, because he couldn’t. I need to be something, someone. Because he never will. And I think of Bobby everytime I hear Jack White. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes it hurts too much. I had a White Stripes song in my head just last night. I guess that’s part of what triggered this today.  What do you do when you loved someone who died, and you’re not allowed to?  I don’t know if Bobby wants my love, or appreciates it, or it matters to him in death. If he’d want me to keep talking about him, or pretending like I have a right to a piece of him. But based on the last time we really talked, i hope he would understand. And appreciate. And that this love ... though not a reciprocated romantic love ... was still a valuable love.  Because I will always deeply love Bobby. And in 6 weeks, he’ll have been gone 10 years. I don't want to be trapped by the past. Caught up in pain. This year I want to honor Bobby in a positive way ... by making something for him. To honor him. I hope I can do him justice.