#my parents flew down to my brothers college to meet him at the er so

[dottores]

BYE I HAD TO SHARE THESE THE EMPLOYEES AT THE BARNES AND NOBLE NEAR MY HOUSE NEED A RAISE

[atc74]

Take Me Home - The End

Square(s) Filled: Heaven for @spngenrebingo​, Reunion for @spntfwbingo​, Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory for @spnbromentbingo​

Warnings: TRIGGER WARNING: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, mentions of death, Dean taking a drive down memory lane, panic attacks, fluff, flangst, fluff, like floofy floof. 

Summary: Dealing with the aftermath of Chuck’s rage, Sam Winchester calls in additional hunters so they can keep fighting, until they can’t. Dean wakes up in a strange house but the resident isn’t a stranger. How will he cope with a reunion he never expected to have?

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2835

Written for: @spnbromentbingo​, @spngenrebingo​​, @spntfwbingo​

Beta’d by: @amanda-teaches, thank you for being so many things, but most of all, my true north. And to @alleiradayne​ who commented “Fuck you lady.” Thank you for everything. I love when I can pull that kind of response from you. I love you both!

A/N: This is the second and final in a two part series. I hope you made it through The Beginning to see it through to The End. This is my prediction for the end, not all of it, but part of it. Thank you for sticking with me, if you’ve gotten this far. I will make you feel things, but I promise to kiss it and make it better. Loosely based on the Phil Collins song Take Me Home. 

Take Me Home - The Beginning

Dean blinked, the sun shining bright through the curtains. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled out of bed to the bathroom. He didn’t remember any motel they ever stayed in being this nice. Sam must have gotten them a suite this time. He took care of business and brushed his teeth. Shuffling back into the bedroom, he stopped dead in his tracks at the framed photos on the nightstand. There was a picture of him and Sam and their parents at what looked like Sam’s graduation. And another of him and a woman...at their wedding? Panic set in, and he flew around the room. There were women’s clothes in the closet next to his. The other side of the bed had been slept in. He threw open the door and rushed down the hall. He wasn’t in any motel, or hotel for that matter. This was a home. And from the numerous photos on the walls, his home. One he shared with a woman he had married. 

“Fuck! Where the hell is my phone?” Dean ranted as went back and searched the bedroom. He flew down the stairs. His jacket! He searched the pockets but came up empty. On a small table by the front door were a set of keys and a wallet. He opened the wallet and it was him alight. His full legal name, but the address was in Lawrence, Kansas. 

“Babe? Everything okay?” A sweet, but concerned, somewhat familiar voice made its way to his ears. “Dean?”

Dean braced himself for the inevitable and followed the voice through the first floor of the house, taking deep breaths. He stopped. That was the last thing he remembered. He was thinking about Sam, then he was on his knees in front of his car, feeling like he couldn’t breathe. Garth was with him. Something about a panic attack. They’re on a hunt and something went wrong. He needs to find Sam. 

“Baby, are you okay?” She asked again, this time her voice was closer. Oh god, she was right in front of him now. He stared long and hard at her. Her face softer, fuller than he remembered. But, she couldn’t have been more beautiful. 

“Y/N?” He gasped and grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her tightly to his chest. “Oh my god! I’ve missed you so much!” 

“Dean! Stop it! You’re squishing us!” She laughed. A laugh he hadn’t heard in more than ten years. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just-I, god you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he stammered, taking her in. She looked healthy, happy, very pregnant. “You’re pregnant.”

“Are you feeling okay? You’re starting to scare me, babe.” Her voice was filled with concern. Something he had heard a million times before. 

“I’m-I’m okay. Just a really messed up dream,” he stuttered again. “You’re just so beautiful.” 

“Thank you, but right now I feel like a whale. Your son won’t let me sleep so I’ve been up for hours. I didn’t want to wake you,” Y/N smiled at him, pressing up on her tiptoes to kiss him. 

The kiss caught him off guard, but he recovered quickly, kissing her back with fervor. God, he missed her. She even smelled the same, and all the memories he had pushed down for a decade came rushing back to him. He pulled back, breathless, but didn’t let her go. 

He wanted to spend the entire day loving her and relearning everything about her. “Y/N, do we have any plans today?” 

“I’d love to say welcoming our son into the world, but I think he has other plans. So stubborn, you Winchester men!” she laughed. “Only your parents’ surprise fortieth anniversary party.”

“Forty years?” Dean marveled. He had glanced additional pictures on the walls of them. They looked happy. He needed to talk to his brother. “Have you seen my phone?”

“Yes, it’s right here on the counter where you left it to charge last night,” she handed it to him. “Oh, your brother called. He and Jess will be here by three. He had to work this morning, but promised they would be on time.” 

“Jessica?” Dean asked, his voice barely a whisper. Sam always wanted to go to Stanford, it only made sense that he would still be with Jessica. He got the normal life he always wanted and, from the looks of it, Dean got his apple pie life, too. 

“Now sit and eat breakfast. We’re starving!” Y/N set a plate and a cup of coffee on the table and Dean wondered how he got so lucky. Even if it was a monster-induced dream, it was much better than the last one. Where he and Sam were barely brothers, and their father was still dead. 

Dean listened as he ate, Y/N listing off the things they needed to get for the nursery and the cake they needed to pick up. He looked up and smiled at her, agreeing with everything she said. She leaned in and kissed him. The minute her lips touched his, it started as a flash, like a camera flash, but it morphed into almost a video clip. He saw their first date, when he proposed, their wedding day, the day they moved into this house. He pulled back quickly. “Whoa!” 

“I love that I can still get you going, even looking like an elephant!” Y/N giggled. 

“You’re even more gorgeous than the day I met you,” Dean whispered, squeezing her hand tightly in his. Dream world or not, that was the truth. 

 ~*~

“Damn, it’s good to see you, Sammy,” Dean mumbled, hugging his brother tight that afternoon. 

“Dude, I just saw you last weekend,” Sam laughed, returning his brother’s embrace. “You okay?” 

“I’ve been asking him that all day!” Y/N piped up. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Weird dreams last night is all,” Dean commented, brushing off their questions. “Jessica, come ‘ere.” He pulled her in for a hug as well, holding on a little tighter and longer than he should have. 

“We really need to get going if we’re going to be on time and get the cake,” Jessica told them, tugging on Sam’s arm. 

“Honey, there’s something I’ve got to do first. Can you ride with Sam and Jess, and I’ll meet you there?” Dean asked, kissing her sweetly on the lips. 

“Yeah. You sure you’re okay?” Y/N whispered in his ear when he hugged her. 

“Yeah, it’s a surprise. I’ll see you soon,” Dean promised. He grabbed his keys and was out the door before anyone else could protest. 

~*~

Driving down the streets of Lawrence made him queasy, and Dean had a strong stomach. He felt the now familiar tightness start growing in his chest so he pulled over. Slow, easy breaths, he told himself. He closed his eyes and the flashes returned. Sammy learning how to ride a bike, losing his first tooth, graduating from high school, then college and marrying Jessica, the girl of his dreams. Dean snapped back to reality. He hadn’t seen Sam look that happy in ages, maybe even ever. He knew he had to get out of this dream and wake up. He knew he needed to take out the djinn. 

But this life? The one the djinn created for him or he created in his own mind, it was damn near perfect. It wasn’t like the last time, or the first time. He hadn’t been able to find fault in this one. His parents were alive and still together, celebrating forty years of marriage. He and his brother were best friends, not strangers raised in the same house. He was married to the love of his life and they were expecting a child, a son. He had a steady job as a mechanic in a shop he owned with his dad. Winchester and Sons. And, someday, he’d be able to pass that on to his own son. If that’s what he wanted. Why would he want to leave? Here his brother is alive and Dean can protect him, like he failed to do in their real life. It’s an ordinary life. He worked when it was light and slept when it was night. He wasn’t looking to the horizon or wishing on a star. He had everything he wanted. 

He looked up from his spot at the curb to find he was parked in front of the house where he and Sam were born. He knew from his research earlier in the day that his parents had moved, but the last time he had been in that house, for real, was almost a decade ago when there was a case involving a young family and their mother’s spirit. Dean was glad they didn’t live there in this world, because he vowed he’d never step back inside that house. 

He checked the time and pulled away from the curb. He needed to be on time to the party, to see his parents. 

~*~

“I’ve got my girl and my boys and that’s all I’ll ever need,” John Winchester addressed the guests at the party. “Thank you.” 

Dean had never been so speechless in his life. But, he couldn’t think of a single thing to say when it was his turn to give a speech. He kept it vague, but that couldn’t stop the well of emotion inside of him. His voice broke and as soon as the toast was made, he darted out of the hall, letting out everything he had been holding inside for almost forty years. 

“Babe?” Y/N shuffled her way toward him and he hastily wiped the tears from his face. “You’re not okay.” 

“I will be. I promise. It’s just the dream, more like a nightmare, then all this. I’m just so happy for my folks, and I hope that that’ll be us someday. I’m already lucky, but if you keep me around that long, I’ll be the richest man in the universe.” 

“You’re such a sap,” Y/N giggled, leaning into him, yawning. 

“Want me to take you home?” He asked, one hand rubbing small circles on her swollen belly. 

“Not yet,” she replied. “Let’s go back inside.” 

Sam rushed out the door before they made it back inside. “I need to take Jessica home.” 

“What’s wrong? Is she okay?” Y/N’s worry bubbled to the surface. 

“Yeah, we’re great. We’re freaking awesome, but she’s a little green in the gills,” Sam smiled. 

Y/N elbowed her husband in the ribs. “Ouch! What was that for?” He looked down at her with a shit eating grin on her face. “Oh! OH! Sammy, you sly dog! Come ‘ere! Congratulations!” 

“Yeah, thanks. But she’s ready to kill me right now, so I gotta go,” Sam rushed toward the car. 

“I’ll go with you. I’m tired anyway,” Y/N followed behind him as quickly as she could only a week from her due date. She turned to Dean. “Have fun. Call me when you want a ride. I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” he smiled. His smile couldn’t get any wider. He was going to be a dad and an uncle. Life was pretty damn good. He picked up his feet and walked back to the building when it hit him. This wasn’t like the previous flashes he’d had that day. This was painful, and it knocked the breath from his lungs as he landed on his knees on the patio. His father, dead in his hospital bed after making a deal with a demon. Bobby, dead from a bullet to the melon. His mother. Charlie, Ellen, Jo, Y/N, and Sam. All of them dead, their lifeless bodies flashing before his eyes. He knew it must be the end. 

He collected himself enough to walk back into the party. Dean took a seat on the barstool. He didn’t know if his legs would hold him much longer. How could this life feel so real? And, why couldn’t he stay?

“What can I get for you?” The bartender asked. 

Dean looked up into the bluest eyes he hadn’t seen in too long. “Cas?”

“Sorry, the name’s Jimmy. Just moved here from Illinois. You guys throw one hell of a party,” he chuckled. “Sorry, my people skills are rusty. What can I get you?” 

Dean stared at Jimmy, at Cas’s vessel and shook his head, smiling. “Nah, I’m good.”

He graciously said goodbye to his parents and the other guests before stepping outside. He strode with purpose to his car, his beloved Impala. He opened the door and sat in the driver's seat like he had a million times before. He closed his eyes and prayed. “Cas. I’m ready. Take me home.” 

~*~

Dean blinked, the sun shining bright through the curtains. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled out of bed to the bathroom. He didn’t remember any motel they ever stayed in being this nice. Sam must have gotten them a suite this time. He took care of business and brushed his teeth. Shuffling back into the bedroom, he stopped dead in his tracks at the framed photos on the nightstand. 

“Y/N!” Dean bellowed from the bedroom, seeing she wasn’t in the bed with him. He ran down the hall and into the kitchen, seeing her bend over the sink. “Honey!”

“Hey, I was wondering how long you were going to sleep,” she chuckled, then grimaced. 

“What’s wrong? Is it the baby?” Dean rushed to her side, but slipped on a puddle of water on the floor. “Shit! Why the hell is there water all over the floor?” 

“Um, that’s not water. That’s my water. It broke about 10 minutes ago,” she laughed. “I’m sorry. That’s not funny, but you should see your face!” 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Dean scolded her, pulling himself up off the floor. 

“My contractions are still ten minutes apart, we have time,” Y/N replied. 

“Son of a bitch!” Dean ran out of the room, back upstairs. He changed his clothes in record time, grabbed Y/N a change of clothes, and pounded on the door to the guest room before he threw it open. “We’re having a baby! Get up!” 

With Y/N changed and comfortable in the front seat of the Impala, Dean threw the bags in the trunk before waving goodbye to his brother and Jessica. They would meet them at the hospital with their parents later. 

~*~

“Welcome to the world, Henry Samuel Winchester. Meet your family,” Dean beamed with pride as he introduced his son to his parents, as well as Sam and Jess. 

Visiting hours were almost over, and Y/N was exhausted. Dean walked John, Mary, Sam, and Jess out into the hall where they said goodbye and kissed Henry, promising to see him again the next day. Dean, walked back into the room, his son in his arms. Y/N was already asleep, and he took a moment to himself to sit back and just breathe. Since he had woken up that morning, the day had been a whirlwind, but he had never been happier. He didn’t know what breed of djinn conjured up this dream, but it was okay with him if it never ended. He didn’t mind this life. Not one little bit.

“Mr. Winchester?” A nurse was gently shaking him awake. “I’m going to take your son to the nursery so you and mom can get some rest, okay?” 

Dean blinked groggily in the dimly lit room, Henry sound asleep in his arms. He looked up at the nurse with trepidation. “Amara? What are you doing here?” He pulled Henry further from her reach. 

“Dean, I realized what Chuck was doing but I was too late to stop most of it. He’s gone, locked away and you’re safe,” she promised. 

“Safe? I’m in a freaking dream!” He hissed. “A monster-induced dream!”

“Not anymore,” Amara mused, a smile on her lips. “While your life on earth ended, yours and Sam’s, I couldn’t just wake you from the dream and let you rest in Heaven wondering.” 

“What are you talking about? I’m dead?” Dean gasped, tears welling up in his troubled eyes. 

“I’ve tried to right the wrongs that my brother did you. You’ve been a prisoner all your life. You’ll be happy here, with your family. This,” Amara whispered, patting Henry on the back, “this is your home, Dean.” 

“This is my heaven?” Dean muttered, shocked at her confession. 

“It’s what you’ve always wanted. Your parents, Sam, your family. Y/N. I created this for you, because you’ve done so much for the world and never asked for anything in return. This is my gift to you, Dean Winchester. Rest well,” Amara murmured and in a wisp of smoke, she was gone. 

“Honey, you okay?” Y/N yawned from her hospital bed. 

Dean rose from the rocking chair and settled Henry in her arms, before kissing them both. “I’ve never been better. I’m home.”

Did you like it? Did I redeem myself? The nicest thing you can do for a writer is reblog their fic and tell them, and others, how much you loved it. 

The Whole Enchilada: @iwantthedean​​ @dolphincliffs​​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​​ @meganwinchester1999​​ @cherrycokegirls1​​ @closetspngirl​​  @roxyspearing​​ @flamencodiva​​ @blacktithe7​​ @sis-tafics​​ @just-another-busyfangirl​​ @evansrogerskitten​​ @amanda-teaches​​ @hannahindie​​ @wotinspntarnation​​ @winchesterprincessbride​​ @winecatsandpizza​​ @kickingitwithkirk​  @wi-deangirl77​​ @hobby27​​ @mogaruke​​ @gh0stgurl​​ @alleiradayne​ @idreamofplaid​​ @seenashwrite​​ @crashdevlin​​ @thoughtslikeaminefield​ @emoryhemsworth​​ @manawhaat​​

The Dean’s List/Jensen’s Jamboree: @jerkbitchidjitassbutt​​ @dean-winchesters-bacon​​ @maddiepants​  @adoptdontshoppets​ @mtngirlforever​ @supernatural-jackles​

[nikokova]

Spirit Animal au drabbles part 2

part 1

Here’s part two of my mediocre writing, enjoy

Moxiety:

These two I feel like would sort of know each other, but not closely. Due to Virgil feeling like he’s a bother, and Patton not wanting to scare Virgil by how clingy he is. They have a couple classes together at college. Virgil works part-time at a post office while Patton works part-time at a daycare center.

On Patton’s 20th birthday he wakes up to a small purple bunny sleeping on the pillow next to him. He tries to conceal his squeal since he knows soulmates and their spirit animals sleep at the same time. Meaning that if you wake up one, you wake the other. He stays put until it wakes up a couple minutes later, and basically won't stop talking until the bunny interrupts him with the riddle.

I start with ‘P’ and end with ‘E’, but I have thousands of letters

It takes him a while, and Google, to figure out that it’s a post office. He jumps out of bed and gets ready as fast as he can.

Virgil was not ecstatic that he’s going to meet his soulmate at work. Especially because he doesn’t want them to cause him any trouble. Not that he thinks his soulmate would do something on purpose, but because he worries all the time. Virgil is working in the back sorting letters when his co-worker Valerie calls him up front. When he gets there she says that someone was looking for him, she moves out of the way to show a shorter boy with curly bright red hair (sorry not sorry I’m obsessed with curly redheaded Patton). With a pulling feeling in his chest, he recognizes the boy as Patton.

“Hey,” he smiles,

“You know I had a friend who tried to apply here, they wouldn't letter,” Patton said, Virgil rolled his eyes. “They said you can only work here if your mail”

“You're such a dork.” Virgil let out a chuckle

Logicality:

These two have never met. Logan is a 22-year-old doctor who graduated from high school at 13, college at 17. Patton just turned 20 and works at his father's bakery, he doesn't go to college because his family couldn't afford it. He lives with his parents and shares a room with his younger brother Virgil.

If you asked Virgil, he would tell you he didn't really expect anything else on Patton's 20th birthday. Patton was the definition of a clutz. So it wasn't a surprise when he fell down the stairs, breaking his arm.

In his defense, socks on hardwood didn't the most stable thing. Especially when running to ask your brother if he knew the answer to your riddle. Though there were a couple seconds where he was still in shock and Virgil was pulling him up off the floor,

“What is wrong with you!? Do you have a death wish?” Virgil asked, setting him upright against the wall and looking him over for injuries.

“I can’t figure out the riddle, and I know you're super good at it!” Patton explained without really explaining. This stopped Virgil from looking him over, he looked over at the blue owl perched on the railing of the stairs.

“Alright, what’s the riddle?” Virgil questioned, rolling his dark eyes.

“I’m a type of building but I’m not a shed, I have many rooms but I’m not a house, I have several departments but I’m not a grocery store, I have many beds but I’m not a hotel, what am I?” The deep voice of the owl cooed.

“See! It’s like super hard-” Patton cut himself off with a painful hiss.

“Are you ok? Wait a minute, the answers a hospital!” Virgil realized, “Crap, did you hurt yourself that bad?”

The owl shifted before taking off into the air and flew over to Pattons left side, headbutting his arm and earning a gasp for breath and watery eyes.

“He has broken his arm.” The gentle voice of the owl stated.

“Dang-it Pat.” Virgil sighed,

“My bad.” Patton smiled,

Logan’s day was spent in the ER, with his soulmates dog who enjoyed asking questions about random things since he solved the riddle. It did sort of concern him that he was going to meet his soulmate, at the hospital. Some part of him was concerned that his soulmate would pass soon after they meet. Though, he knew this was illogical. The large majority of people who visited the hospital lived. He was pulled out of his thoughts by a nurse calling his name, telling him that he was needed in room 5 for a broken arm

Logan was not really expecting what he saw when he walked into the room pushing his glasses up his nose. He had expected a young male between the ages of 8-13. Not a grown man with a bright smile despite his broken arm, and who apparently was his soulmate. There was a strong pulling feeling in his chest as the dark blue owl flew towards him. The other boy in the room didn't look surprised, unlike the injured one.

“Please tell me you did not break your arm on purpose.” Logan sighed,

“Of course I wouldn't!” The shorter man reassured.

“He’s just the clumsiest person you'll ever meet.” The other boy sighed,

Analogical:

For these two I sort of feel like they’d know each other online for quite a while before meeting even though they lived on opposite sides of the country. They bonded over astrology and sharing a birthday. Silently they both hoped that they were soulmates, which is why they (without actually saying it) planned Logan's flight to Virgil's city on their birthday.

Virgil wakes up on his 20th birthday to the soft hooting of an owl. It doesn't take him long to realize its a spirit animal after his initial panic. Part of him smiles, being hopeful of what this might mean. That there's still a chance all of his dreams will come true. However silly it was, Virgil fell for the man on the other side of the screen. But, today was the day he finally got to meet him.

He was about to text him until he realized that they couldn't have their phones on while the plane was flying. So he just huffed and looked up at the owl from his sitting position. It was still asleep, he wondered if it was because Logan might have jet lag. He also thought that the owl was cute in the way it hooted in his sleep, and wondered if it meant Logan snored. He shook his head, reminding himself not to get his hopes up.

He dressed quickly and was almost ready to go when he heard the bird start flying around the back of his apartment. He checked his pocket for his keys for the third time, and checked the time for the fifth. He was a little early, but he liked it that way. The owl soon found its way to him at the front of his apartment and announces its riddle before landing on the small boy's shoulder.

I am the station that holds something you’d board to take you over to Spain, As it can fly you there, the answer is a...

“Plane... Then if its a station that holds planes… IT'S AN AIRPORT!” His yelled causes the bird to leap off of his shoulder, but he doesn't really care. There's not much of a chance that Logan is not his soulmate now.

Logans heart was racing after he was told the riddle by the small purple bunny. He knew that there was still a chance that Virgil wasn't his soulmate, but he illogically chose to ignore it. Once he departed from the plane he went to the baggage claim and looked for Virgil. He didn't really know what Virgil fully looked like. Of course, he had selfies he had possibly overanalyzed. But Logan wasn't sure how tall Virgil was, or what he looked like below the shoulders. Part of him hoped that Virgil was short, Logan liked to imagine him being the taller one in the relationship. If they were soulmates anyway.

“Logan!” It ended up being the other boy who noticed him first, and Logan's eyesight snapped to a short boy to his left a couple yards away. Virgil had dark eyes that made him melt each time he looked at them, but this time he felt a lurch in his chest towards Virgil. He noticed an owl flying towards him as the bunny left and he felt like he would cry. This was what he had wanted for a long time.

Those endings make me want to jump off a cliff. But such is life.

[backtojuno]

yoooo ive been really inactive lately, ive been going through a lot of shit. under the readmore is a bunch of stuff i need to get off my chest/make sense of. just be warned, its really long

you can read it if you want but its mostly complaining and cursing

riiiiight so about 2 months ago shit hit the fucking fan. Ive had problems with my neck thats caused very, very bad headaches for maybe 5/6 years or so. mostly i wasnt able to get anything done about it, being dependent on 2 parents who are both very pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of people.in june though, i started working extra shifts at my job so i could pay for a chiropractor. and it worked, i had no headaches... for about a month. for a month after that the headaches came back, even though i was still seeing the chiropractor. AND FUCKING THEN

i was at work, my last weekend before i went on a 2-week trip to see my mom up in ohio! i was super excited. but also in a lot of pain too. most of the way through my shift i cracked my neck, a little bit too hard. all of a sudden i was floating about a foot over my head, i was getting hot flashes, and the left side of my throat went numb. of course, i panicked, told my manager and called my dad. my dad called his doctor and he said that since my hands/feet/anything werent tingling or anything like that I was alright, but i should still see a doctor. dad decided not to take me to the ER, but I was still goddamn scared. I still am, honestly. of course, this got more complicated. it was a saturday, so doctors offices were closed and wouldnt be open til monday, the day that id leave for ohio. it was a really hard decision but if i didnt get on the plane to ohio, i wouldve had to forfeit the trip entirely. so, i went to ohio and my mom set an appointment for thursday for a doctor.

i waited, we went, and i told my story to the doctor. she didnt do any tests on me, didnt even touch me. just said i had probably hit a nerve and that i was fine, and offered to prescribe medicine which i didnt want. EXCEPT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. the day after i went to the doctor i started feeling this pressure on the side of my throat,right in that fleshy part just underneath the back of your jaw.i thought and hoped it would go away. it fucking didnt. some days were better than others but on some days id be sightseeing with my family and id be silent, standing in a museum looking at The Plane that The Wright Brothers Themselves built, and trying not to panic bc the pressure in my throat was bad and it felt like i couldnt get enough air in. when i told my mom she told me to calm down. that did not help, at all. anyways, the rest of the trip passed and i flew home. EXCEPT. JESUS CHRIST. while i was on the plane, i was having a hard time popping my ear. I didnt have any gum (and i hate gum anyways bc of misophonia) so i ended up spending the entire plane ride moving my jaw to try and pressurize my ear. that, of course, ended up with me doing something to the right side of my jaw that makes it crackle and sometimes pop when i move it. it also hurts sometimes, which is weird bc the only jaw pain ive ever had was when i had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out at once. with the pressure in my throat though, it was kind of an afterthought at the time

anyways. since doctor #1 really hadnt done anything and i didnt have a primary doctor, i decided to go to the primary doctor my mom and sister went to when they still lived down here with me. its probably a good time to mention that that side of the family is the one im close to and im stuck here in florida for another year while i finish college. anyways. getting to him was a long wait but i got there and told him my story and he ordered some x rays of my neck and bloodwork, and prescribed me medicine. i waited for the tests and waited more for the follow up. looked at everything and told me everything was peachy keen, perfect except for a little bit of degeneration in my spinal vertebrae. it looked like things were kinda (really) out of his area of expertise, so he prescribed me a different medicine and a few sessions of physical therapy and recommended a nose & throat specialist to go to if the throat pressure didnt go away. i am goddamn lucky my dad offered to pay for my medical expenses. Doctor #3 was more or less useless.

on to doctor #3! he’s a neck specialist. i managed to get an appointment pretty quickly with him so i waited to see him. i didnt see him on the day of the appointment, but rather his assistant. she listened to my story (except that i forgot to tell her about the throat pressure thing. i s2g i go featherbrained around doctors) and then tested my arm and leg strength/mobility/general usefulness/whatever. then she ordered an mri of my neck. i waited for the mri, then waited again for the follow up. She, of course, said there was nothing wrong and when i remembered to tell her about the throat thing (which had still not gone away, 2 months later) she just looked kinda confused. she, like doctor #2, prescribed me a different medicine and a month of physical therapy. i think somewhere along the timeline of seeing doctor #3 my jaw started acting up again? i dont remember the exact timing of that but it hurt, and it sucked. my throat also started getting pretty uncomfortable when i talked, like i had to work harder to speak at a normal level. that also sucks when you work in a customer service job

so i managed to rule out that the throat thing wasnt bc of my neck and that my vertebrae werent gonna spontaneously combust or anything, i booked an apointment with the nose & throat specialist, which was on tuesday. by this time i was a damn mess. i still felt at times that i was having a hard time breathing and i really couldnt even think about it without going on the verge of a panic attack. 2 months and NO answers other than “huh, that’s weird” (the physical therapist literally told me that to my face). i had started to do research on my own for lack of anything better. that led me to eagle syndrome! which described exactly what i was feeling! (http://www.livingwitheagle.org/t/es-information-common-symptoms-and-possible-explanations-for-them/1389) and from what i read, there’s no cure! just analgesics and surgery, really. that really, really did not help- if you cant do anything then whats the point, right?

EX-FUCKING-CEPT. right around the time that i figured that out, i started having pain in my chest. i didnt know why it was happening (i later figured out that its bc when i sleep on my side i put too much pressure on my chest and it hurts me where my ribs and my sternum meet. it just decided to act up then). still though, i didnt know that at the time and let me tell you, when your chest starts hurting after youve been having whats more or less a 2-month-long constant panic attack, its goddamn TERRIFYING. i had lost my appetite a couple days before and had not been eating much, so i was weak and my heart was beating weirdly. i asked my dad what to do. he told me to call my primary, and they told me to go to the ER. i asked my dad to take me to the ER. his answer? “no, we’re going to an urgent care clinic”. the urgent care clinic, of course, couldnt do anything, while i sat there crying. (the doctor there, doctor #4, literally told me to just wait to see the nose & throat guy and that “i should try to be more composed when i see him”) meanwhile, when trying to talk about what ive been feeling to my parents, aka several mentions that i feel like im choking, i was just told to calm down. as if everything wasnt crumbling and going wrong.

so i waited until the appointment on tuesday. actually, no i didnt, i went into depression mode(TM), getting nothing done, and ended up in the doctors office an hour and a half before the appointment on the verge of tears. since it was uncomfortable to talk and something just outside of my throat had started hurting a week before, i had typed up my story (named “The Big Clusterfuck” on my computer). doctor #5 did some tests and mentioned eagle syndrome, even though i had only described it in the paper and not named it, and TMJ. he gave me prednisone for a week and told me to come back in a week. i feel bad for the man, i cried a lot.

ive managed to get my appetite back and have started eating again, and spent all of yesterday evacuating florida. i really, really hope the prednisone works. i dont know what im gonna do if it doesnt. if youre religious or do witchy stuff or whatever floats your boat, please send along a prayer or a spell or something. im not as bad as i was last week but im still Not Okay