#my personal bullshit has made me extremely sensitive to this type of content so that’s probably the real reason why

[hearts1ckness]

atp idk if my anger is about the fact that *those* audios are such a rampant problem in asmr spaces & no matter how much victims beg for people to stop making them, no one listens OR if it’s the dismissal of the audio being dddne/part of dark & spooky month, so it’s apparently perfectly okay

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Oh tysm wes. I hope you don't mind me asking here, (unless you prefer like me asking on a different blog), what were the changes you saw on T? And have you ever had thoughts of doubt or whatever? I think it's more a personal thing that I need to work on confidence and stuff but my biggest worry is that I'd doubt whatever decision I make-- whether I take it or not (and whether i stay on it or not) and sorta feel.... fake ig?

ur welcome! 

I definitely have had doubts, especially before I started. I have less now that I’m on it because it really made me feel a lot happier and better about myself, which helps a lot to calm those thoughts. it is hard though when so many people on the internet like TERFs and transmeds and stuff are so concerned with Fake Trans People(TM) ruining feminism or whatever like it’s total bullshit but it is infectious. i can never engage with those types of people or look at that content for too long because it makes me feel so awful. 

but anyways. changes that I saw on T:

hairiness - so i say this as someone with dark dark brown hair and who was extremely hairy even prior to going on T, i did get even hairier pretty quickly. including facial hair. i was not someone who ever wanted facial hair but once it started happening i didn’t mind it too much. i already had a little facial hair from before. so this can definitely vary especially if you have a lighter color hair like red or blonde. 

my period stopped

my voice did get lower, like a fair amount. i don’t do any voice training stuff though personally. i feel like i have a good Lispy Gay(TM) register that i am happy with lmao. for the most part now when i get misgendered it’s like 90% over the phone/due to my voice tbh

as i’ve been saying, it made me feel better emotionally. i have multiple mental health diagnoses and am also on antidepressants for a while prior to this. but this really helped in stabilizing my mood too. i don’t feel like it made me angry or aggressive or anything like some trans guys worry about.

i gained weight, it definitely makes me hungrier/messed with my metabolism. but i feel like after a while i got into a rhythm and my weight stabilized. 

my shoulders got broader and my jaw got a little more square? i have a very round moon face and i feel like it’s not a huge change, but just a bit to make my face a little more masculine. 

my body temp raised a LOT. like i used to be always cold and now i am basically a walking heater. this was probably the most inconvenient for me because i am very heat sensitive and i sweat a lot. but now i can also withstand cold temps a lot better. 

my hairline has changed - ive been stressing recently abt the whole Am I Balding thing but i think its more that my hair is super grown out which changed my part from a side part to a middle part which i absolutely hate. and i think one of the things that trans guys worry abt the most is going on T and balding. this is one of those genetic lottery things like if you know it’s very prevalent in your family then there’s a chance but if not then....who knows? 

it does give me a bit of acne as well - kind of like the first time i went through puberty.

erm i think these are all the main things that are not genital/sex related - i will know describe those under this Read More in case people would rather not know lol 

Wes

i did get clitoral growth - i would say in an average way? nothing wild but there is much more obvious flaccid/hard stages. i never really had bottom dysphoria so i didn’t really have any expectations or cares about it. 

my libido did raise, esp at the beginning. prior to t for me it was a lot more sporadic. but more importantly my orgasms got a lot more intense which was a definite plus lmao!

i sometimes go through “dry spells” where i don’t produce as much discharge, esp after Sexual Stuff(TM). this can get really annoying bc friction so occasionally i use a “vaginal moisturizer” mainly marketed for menopausal women but going on T is literally just forcing ur body through early menopause. here’s an example of that kind of product, & there’s also an external version that helps if you do experience that friction on your outer parts too. 

this is all I can really think of! i hope you’ve found this helpful & sorry if some of this is TMI lol !

Wes (again!)

[southern-belle-outcasts]

🤔 / 😱 / 👿

@undxroos

//

🤔: Any angst tropes you’re not really fond of?

Cheating. I get it happens but it’s so often a cop out plot device for thinking out some actual drama, my muses aren’t the type that would cheat and would probably be devastated if it did happen, I have my own life experience of that fallout happening with my parents, etc. It just holds literally no appeal to me. Now can I do cheating accusations for some other reason and having to sort through that mess? Depends, if it’s organic, sure. But the “oh whoops you caught me fucking someone else” memes? Ew. No thank you. Other than that, just outrageously inaccurate occurrences? Basically the “oh look we had a car accident or I got pushed slightly and now I have a miscarriage” one in movies makes me want to commit violence because that’s really not how that works. So things along that line, can’t do either. I need you to science out even your fantasy. I don’t care if it’s comic book bullshitted science, or dragons producing  two different chemicals from glands that allow them to breathe fire, just make it make sense for the love of all things holy.

😱: Has angst ever killed your motivation for thread(s)?

No, it’s resulted in me dropping everything to write the reply right then and there if it was painful enough. Like the more it hurts, and the more in-depth and lengthy the pain...the more likely it is I’m not going to be able to control myself and yeet a reply directly back. There’s a satisfaction in sharing the suffering I had in writing something that made me cry writing it lmao.

👿: What are your muse(s)’ fatal flaws? Any wishlists to do with them?

Rogue’s is she’s always going to question if she’s good enough and think she’s undeserving. Her ADHD (yes that’s how I see her if y’all don’t like it, too bad there’s other Rogues) doesn’t help, at all, whatsoever. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a bitch, as is overstimulation not helping an extremely feeling, passionate person who can sometimes see things a little too black and white to not lose their shit.

Nilza will cut and run if people get close. She’s also an addict and an adrenaline junkie. She could end up getting herself fucked up on a hunt, or in an accident. Have considered what her not being an alcoholic anymore would look like. Given her regular intake, withdrawal could be very dangerous for her, even in a hospital with medication helping the process. (movie/tv show cold turkey withdrawal...isn’t a thing? That can literally kill you). She also has no real trust of vast majority of people.

Farrar’s is his contentment with the status quo. He doesn’t really see himself as being able to do anything else with his life even if he wanted to. He doesn’t know how to set a life goal past the next hunt.

Sara’s is her fear of getting close to people as well as not being in control of things. She doesn’t like feeling helpless or vulnerable, thus falling naturally into a leadership position but out of patience when things are literally rock and hard place, or always carrying her weapons on her. Although they’re still problems, she is admittedly getting better with both of those.

Kaylee’s is failing those that need her. She’s perceived as strong both in character and physically, so she doesn’t like not being able to fully fix a situation. She will stretch herself thin trying to make sure everything is done perfectly.

Padmé’s quite literally fatal flaw is seeing the best of a situation and sticking to her moral ideals no matter the cost. Girlfriend, you don’t argue with the husband in the middle of a psychotic break, you nod along, and then you deal with it after he’s had a nap and a snickers (and five hundred hours of therapy).

Cisco’s is his love of dangerous women, that’s gonna bite him in the ass eventually xD (not really...maybe...depends on the verse). But in all seriousness he doesn’t have enough confidence in himself when it’s valid, but sometimes exhibits hubris. It’s a weird combo.

[full-course-identity]

Give me your thoughts on uuuh Jake

wew boy

okay. gonna word dump this, and probably other interpretation asks, so I can get the words out there.

from my POV, there’s 3 types of canon Jake + 1 fanon vers + my personal interpretation. lemme explain what they are;

Book Jake, who I don’t have enough experience with bc I STILL haven’t finished the book… >_>;

2River Jake, who is kinda oblivious and very in-the-moment impulsive (not so bad he’s jumping place to place ADHD like Rich, but like, not considering that maybe dropping everything to seduce Madeline or Christine is a bad idea when he clearly really likes Chloe). these are debatably survival mechanisms bc of his family (and wealth, if you want to go into the “being rich actually traumatizes you and locks you into dissociation” theory–but to be fair, this is partially reliant on thinking Jake is Genuinely Rich. … well, not Rich as in… yeah); ignoring any pain he feels in favor of getting dicked down and forgetting about everything for a while. very “I’m not sad, I’m busy!!!!!” 

Bway (possibly the new canon general for all Jakes since it sounds like London’s is modeled after him but just… toned down), who is still oblivious, but towards other people’s emotions instead of himself; he’s manipulative, a little impulsive but a lot more malicious about it, and he knows exactly how hurt he is about his parents. this jake’s awareness of himself makes him act worse because he knows this is the only thing that seems to help and it’s basically the only thing he actually has control of. his wealthiness is undeniably present and Bad here because the reason taking what he wants and not caring that it hurts people is his main coping skill is pretty much only because he’s been allowed that privilege all his life. i tend to think this version of him should be done by a white cishet dude (despite jake’s actor on bway being genuinely FANTASTIC) bc being marginalized in a high school should’ve curved a lot of the “endless power and privilege” he gets for being rich (Not That One). 

[i… think this jake has ‘better’/more nuanced writing in BWay… but i don’t think it fits the musical nor is it the overall direction i think it should’ve gone. BMC feels best to me when there’s a heavier element of Dark Humor that briefly nods to a Larger and more Fucked Up world behind the bit we see in the musical. making it largely a twisted comedy, maybe even ramping that up further with more whiplash lines like jake’s “which means the house is empty, so that’s fun”]

Fanon Jake is… like most of the fanon characters in BMC, a bit… “bipolar” (like, radically shifting depending on the situation). the BMC fandom has been born with heavy engagement from minors in the current fascist climate of fandom as a whole. as a result, you have three general uses of jake that as “approved of” by somehow the exact same people despite being conflicting in a lot of ways. THIS IS NOT ME SHITTING ON FANON, i actually think most of this fandom is just a casual romp for most people and that shouldn’t be snatched away from them nor mocked nor treated like you HAVE to be logically consistent when this is just a fun hobby for most… but there are still trends i notice:

1: Jake the sweet bi disaster who loves their significant other and is just a little bit hopeless in their silliness and Down For Whatever-esque personality. this is often used for shippy pictures and memes and cute little oneshots, plus, of course, fluff.

2: Jake the tragic abuse victim who is extremely sad and has to learn to love again and has always been selfless, plus or minus a permanent disability post-fire. this is of course used for hurt/comfort, plus in combination kinda with michael in the bathroom-esque posts and tragic art, often also used as an example of the squip being the worst for jeremy or rich guilt trauma. also: aesthetic and moodboard posts.

3: the one I have the least good will towards: Jake the “why does everybody woobify mlm? You can’t portray him without flaws! queer boys aren’t your fetish!!!” with an attached, clunkily written reasons why he was an asshole that is also simultaneously watered down so you don’t think he’s a Monster bc then you’d be vilifying queer men (well, more like they’d feel bad about their cutesy-er ‘emotional support’ art and writing which is Totally Different from all the other cutesy emotional support art and writing). 

basically, Meta Trying To Make Jake Reasonably Flawed But Not Evil in this fandom is RARELY genuine–it’s more often than not moralistic hand-wringing made so that they can wash themselves of the guilt for actually enjoying something with a character they portray as mlm, or otherwise the guilt of enjoying anything romantic or sexual involving men or queer people period when we’re apparently not supposed to do that anymore, as decreed by the radfems infesting our spaces. 

and, well, or you’re an mlm writing this post, you’re probably young and still feeling extremely sensitive and scared about your identity. i once saw a very wise post by a trans person who had been trans for a long time, who said that when you first come out as trans (or queer in general, but especially trans people who are beginning social or physical transition and coming to terms with themselves) you are obvs on High Fucking Alert and so you’re insecure and scared of anything, ranging from “obvious transphobia” to “just trans people enjoying themselves and exploring transphobia in fiction or else their own sexuality”. again, this can relate to a lot of identities tbh, and as such young mlm either cis or trans can get very Itchy about people enjoying mlm content.

anyway.

wrapping it back around to me: i edit jake on a case by case basis (sometimes i even make him eviler or meaner based on what’s set up during Bway, he’s just not my usual go-to villain), but i tend to think of him as a tragic Mr. Peanutbutter-y sweetheart who kinda knows he feels like shit yet also knows that if he stops to assess it, it would make his life a lot harder in a time where he can’t afford that. his relationship with chloe is extremely toxic (chloe abuses him horribly, specifically), and so he tries to claw his way out of it only to be continually back in by chloe and her bullshit. 

this is why he doesn’t really get... well. he genuinely thought the thing with christine was going to be permanent; he wasn’t jerking her around, he thought he was over chloe and wanted a girl as cool and fun and genuinely nice as her. afterward he Gets It, and so feels Really Bad--at a time where he doesn’t have his house, his legs are broken (i don’t tend to put him in a perma-wheelchair), his parents have abandoned him, and he best friend is in the hospital. guilt crashes in on him from all sides, and he just has to... pretend it isn’t, even as he can no longer stop himself from thinking about it.

if i was to do a jake focused story, it’d probably be a dating sim where you play as him and watch his life change in conjunction with his attempts to find happiness again; you can either choose decisions that help him greatly or ruin his life so ver much... hmm. lets file that under hashtag “story ideas i’ll never use even though they could be great”

to wrap this up: i like jake. i don’t... really enjoy most of the written content (fanfic, meta, sometimes even the storylines on ask blogs) in this fandom about him or... really, most of the characters, which i feel bad about--i’d enjoy it more if it was every in conjunction with my usual Wants in a fic, which is, like. extreme angst.

BUT

i do still like jake, and i can super enjoy his portrayal in memes and visual art

he’s just not my total fave, but like, the reason he tends not to come up a lot in my content is more what i’m focusing on and why. i’d be happy to use him in stories if his presence fit.

as a bonus

here’s the ships i’m happy to use him for, generally: deere, michael/jake, brooke/jake, toxic chloe/jake, and of course, different ocs/jake

his identities/labels: cis, bisexual/romantic... tho sometimes i actually go for bisexual and aromantic! outside bway and eviler jakes, i’m good with him being any race, and even then it’s just a matter of suspending disbelief re: privilege theory. also, PTSD probably, and maybe generalized anxiety as a result. maaaaaybe autistic too? adhd would be a hard sell for me since he seems super put together in a way that’d be extremely difficult for every form of adhd, but i can see him being neurodivergent on the spectrum + like dyslexia maybe. oh, and i sorta-kinda think he may be color blind? but really i’d drop that at a moment’s notice if it’d be easier to write him without it lol.

his interests: one is more or less sports in general, tho i think that, unless he went straight for track or swimming or something Olympics (which he probably can’t do now...), that’s a high school or some college only focus for him. so, besides sports, i think he’d kinda like the satisfaction and steady growth of Collecting Rare Things That You Have To Look For, like cool rocks, bugs, etc. 

as for careers... some form of doctor something, maybe a businessman of some sort but he’d likely try to curve his power in that field as much as possible; he inherits his parents' assets and company or whatever, but he probably takes a backseat to that and only really has it out of a sense of ‘it’s my job as my parent’s kid to keep the company going--without engaging in the same awful legal issues they did--for as long as i can’. one of my fave jake-is-there stories, vanceypant’s spicy bis-focused fic 1999, has him owning a restaurant, and that was cool as hell.

also jake loves dogs. especially golden retrievers. yes.

[meulinthekittytroll]

Rant af I'm sorry

Yunno I don’t know what my dads problem is with my boyfriend. He doesn’t like him, at all. And I honestly have no idea why. Maybe it’s because this is the only relationship he’s seen me in? I’m not sure But if my dad could have seen all my past relationships he’d understand why B is probably the only one I could ever want to be with. There were some major people who impacted my life in negative ways and I’m still recovering from them. I will point out the major ones First there was David. He tried to kill me once, and manipulated me and made my self esteem plummet. (Grade 3-7) Yes, I know, 3rd through 7th grade and he tried to KILL you? Are you over exaggerating? No I’m not lol. Then there was Devin. He was the first boy to cheat on me. Which made my self esteem plummet even further. He also was the first boy to treat me… like I wasn’t a person I guess?? I don’t know how to describe that one but it made me feel very inferior. (Grade 6) young I know but shoosh this shit can happen at any age if you let it happen. Then there was Max. We never actually dated, but he is still very important because oh boy I crushed on this boy HARD from 8th to 10th grade. He and I had a thing going on in 8th grade but never quite did anything about it which only made me like him more. Then 9th grade came along and we only got closer but still didn’t quite do anything. (I also had a boyfriend at that time that I’ll get to in JUST a second) Finally 10th grade came along and I FINALLY made a move, only to get shot down, HARD. That was partly my fault I suppose for being too scared to tell him my feelings earlier than that. But still, ouch ouch that hurt me a lot. Jacob, the boyfriend mentioned just a second ago, this was a long distance relationship. He was a couple years older than me and I had never met him in person, I dated him because I was extremely lonely. This lasted almost a year, but not quite. It started out really fun because I could lowkey flirt with Max but still have someone to go home to and text and get the feelings of love that Max didn’t give me, I know I know that’s borderline cheating but hey I was in 9th grade and I was stupid in love with Max and it was just a messy time in my life and Ive obviously learned from it and cheating is disgusting ugh……. ihatemyselfAAAAnyways, as the months rolled by, things slowly went downhill with this Jacob kid. He just was a downer. We both were depressed and got even sadder when we realized we couldn’t meet for a long time blah blah you get the point everything was a mess and he made me extremely unhappy, that was a very toxic relationship and I’m glad nothing ever became of it. I haven’t talked to him in almost a year, I hope he’s doing well. Also in 10th grade I developed this crush on this boy named Anthony and he was a dorky kind of cute, tall and scrawny but still muscly, I dug it. I flat out told him I liked him bc I didn’t want another Max situation and he seemed interested at first until he told one of his friends that doubled as my friend that he wasn’t interested so I obviously found out and got shot down again. Ouch! When that didn’t happen I started talking to a good friend I also met over the internet named Gavin and wowie did this boy make me feel wanted and loved. I had a brief thing with him previously but it never followed through, due to the fact that he was a dickbag and cheated on me and blamed it on some personality disorder where he needed more than one girlfriend to be satisfied *cough* bullshit *cough* but anyways, I tried it with him again the summer going into 11th grade c he was sooooooo sorry and loved me soooo much and wanted to marry me (gag!) anyways, things were good for a while but then he slowly stopped talking to me and cheated again and all this other shit and as my confidence in myself slowly went down the garbage disposal as it had been since like 4th grade, I finally told myself enough is enough and told him I was done with him. I told myself I was done with boys until the right one came along and treated me right. As a junior at a new school with no friends, I assumed it would take until junior year of COLLEGE to even consider boys again (besides possibly sleeping around once I got too tired of being a virgin kek) But yunno, life throws unexpected things at you. I remember the night so clearly. I went to bed finally content with being alone, not having to worry about any boy cheating on me or making me feel bad or putting me down constantly. Then, wouldn’t you know it, the NEXT FUCKIN DAY, this super duper cute boy I had seen a few times around school walked into my first period photography class. And I thought to myself “fuck.” Bc I immediately knew something would happen between us. This boy was he perfect mix of goofy, nerdy, and cute as fuck, with a hint of holy shit you’re SEXY. Exactly my type. Tall, dark, and handsome (a spongebob reference has never been more relatable) ((besides maybe “i’m surrounded my idiots”)) ANNYYYWAYS Me and this kid start talking bc I grew a pussy (not balls bc balls are sensitive and vaginas take a pounding) and gave the kid my Snapchat. That same day I reaaallly wanted a chance to talk to him so I posted a pic on my story of me and my dog havin’ a blast (rip Lily u will be missed ily thank you for being the reason the loml messaged me for the first time) anywho, HE MESSAGED ME FIRST AND WE STARTED TALKING AND SHIT bc he thought my dog was cute af (which she was!!!!) and we kept talking and talking and found we had so much in common and finallyyyy we admitted to each other we liked each other and started dating soon after and I’m spare you all the mushy details of how that came to be. Back to the reason why I started writing this little rant/story in the first place. My dad borderline hates the guy. But what my dad doesn’t understand (which is a lot but these next few sentences are important) Every single relationship I’ve had, was with a guy who has done nothing but lead me on, cheat on me, or abuse me (both physically (which only happened twice thank god) and mentally (which happened SO MUCH OH MY GOD it’s so much harder to catch that than actually getting physically abused) Yet, my current boyfriend…. we’re gonna call him B, bc his name is unique and I don’t want people knowing who I am if this ever gets read by someone who knows me and cares enough to read though all of this. B is the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out. He makes me feel important. He makes every day a blessing. When I first moved in with my dad in the beginning of 11th grade, I was a complete shut in. I hardly ever left my room besides to eat and bathe. After I met B, I started opening up and spending time with the family, and I made such amazing friends at school that I would have never talked to if it weren’t for him. B makes everything exciting. Of course we have had our fair share of bumps in the road, but ever healthy relationship does. And yunno what else healthy relationships do? They talked them through and fix the problems!!! B has made it so clear to me that I am worth all of the shit that goes on sometimes, and believe me I can be crazy so that is saying something. And oh boy is he a package deal too. He’s constantly got something going on, he’s quite frankly an idiot sometimes. But hey, he’s my idiot! I’ve never woken up and been happy about being alive since I was like 10, until B came around. B completely flipped my view of the world around. We tell each other this thing all the time because weird kinda opposites when it comes to certain things. He looks like the moon, but is the sun. And I look like the sun, but am the moon. He has dark hair and he’s got olive skin (very Italian looking) looking like a human version of the moon. But he has this optimistic view on life, the personality of the sun. Then there’s me; golden brown hair with fair skin, I look like the sun. But I’m kinda a pessimist, and I also am quite the night owl (he definitely isn’t!) personality of the moon. That might not make sense to you, but it does to us. I’m getting side tracked. The whole fuckin point is, I hadn’t felt true happiness since I was 10 until I met this guy. My dad says we aren’t going to last. My dad barely even lets me see him outside of school once a week, and when he does let me he always gives this disapproving scowl and scoff when I ask to see my boyfriend (who I have been with for well over a year now) once a week. Oh and by the way, he LIVES with his girlfriend who he’s only been dating a few more months than B and I have been. I wonder what he’d feel like if the roles were reversed. Yunno? Like he gets to see his gf every day and sleep next to her ever night, but the moment I want to see B, I get a scowl and a reluctant confirmation that I can see him on the day I asked to see him on. I’m sorry for all this rant and I know it’s probably all over the place but I just really really had to get it out because I don’t know why my dad is so unhappy with me being with a guy who makes me so happy. It’s not like B is a delinquent. He has two jobs (one is a photography business, he does really well with it actually he shoots for weddings and shit he’s an amazing photographer ((he only took the photography class at my school for the credit and to laugh at how low quality everything was at the school and how badly they taught it))) and he’s polite and respectful. My father truly has no reason to not like him, he has no idea how badly I’ve been treated up until I met B. B treats me better than anyone ever has, including my dad. Everyone else in my family loves him! Not nearly as much as I love the son of a bitch tho. I truly grew up from 3rd grade on getting belittled and cheated on and made to feel terrible, and if my dad knew that or understood it, maybe he wouldn’t hate the boy that made me happy to be alive again. Thank u for the ppl who took the time to read this through even tho I doubt anyone will do that bless u ilysm

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 121, September 2018

On Monday night, I attended the Men of Doveton program held at Doveton College. It’s hard to fathom that we’re over the halfway mark now. Part of me thought I would have dropped out weeks ago for two reasons: a) I’m not the sporty type in the slightest and b) Making social connections especially within a group of men is very challenging for me. I did have a couple of weeks where I questioned whether this group was for me. But the fact that I’m still here means that I have a lot of strength, determination and resilience to keep going.

Tonight marked the second week of learning how to play soccer down in the gym. It was very similar in structure from the previous week and I was still having the same problems. The ball was constantly losing control and rolling away from me when dribbling it. Head butting is still something I haven’t mastered yet. And playing the actual game, my fears from childhood bubbled to the surface again mostly around fear of getting hurt.

It’s very much a sensitivity issue and it doesn’t help when there’s a mixture of experienced and novice players. But I still gave it a go and was getting a good workout in. It doesn’t take long before you’re running up and down the court after the ball. And that’s pretty much the point of it, to become more active. I’m slowly starting to feel more included within the group too. Obviously this takes time. It’s something you have to progressively chip away at and slowly bring more of myself to the table.

In the second half of the session, we had Ted Whitten Jnr. and Laurie Serafini presenting on the topic of Prostate cancer and Men’s health issues. Ted is the founder of the E.J. Whitten Foundation and Laurie is a former AFL footballer and testicular/anal cancer survivor. Considering I’m not a huge footy fan, I wasn’t really that star struck by the presence of these celebrities but I knew a few of the guys in the group who were. https://www.ejwhittenfoundation.com.au/

This however didn’t diminish the importance of their talks at all. I think that it’s vital for all men to go see their GP regularly and have an annual health check. I used to be in the same boat myself when it came to going to the doctors. I would not only dread having a blood test done (I hate needles!) but also respond indifferently to the results (I’m overweight and have high cholesterol. Oh well, who cares?). https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/essential-screening-tests-for-men

But now being 32 years old, I’m taking my health much more seriously since starting my journey two years ago to improve my body weight, fitness, wellbeing, physical health and mental health. And whilst I don’t necessarily need to get tested for prostate cancer until I’m over 50 years old, this is still important information to have as I can educate other male family members and friends plus know I’ll be prepared myself as I get older. http://www.prostate.org.au/awareness/general-information/what-you-need-to-know-about-prostate-cancer/

On Tuesday, I attended the first day of my Hospitality Job Ready Program held at The Cardinia Club in Pakenham. Honestly getting to Pakenham before 9.30am is a huge pain in the rectum especially when you’ve got built-up school traffic and roadworks everywhere you turn. Thankfully the run on the freeway was pretty smooth and therefore it didn’t make me late. The program was held inside the venue’s boardroom and facilitated by Julie Barrett from Somers Elite Training.

The first course today was the Safe Food Handling course. I actually did this course back in 2016 but felt like doing a refresher. Julie’s approach is very detailed, thorough and no bullshit. She throws in heaps of examples from her experience in the hospitality industry with lots of photos showing what not to do when it comes to running a business. She went through all the major topics including hygiene laws and regulations, cleaning and sanitation, hazardous chemicals, personal and environmental hygiene, food poisoning, contamination, hand washing, pest control.

The thing I really enjoy about Julie’s style of teaching is that she doesn’t take things too seriously. She has a black, sarcastic sense of humour when it comes to managers and staff who do the wrong thing and ties to back to lack of education and training. It’s all about getting the basics right and understanding why food hygiene is so important in a commercial environment.

The practical assessment involving the glitterbug cream to show how much bacteria can spread even after washing your hands is pretty alarming. I feel like every time I do an RSF course, I always learn something new. I’m a rote and visual learner so it can take some time for all the information to sink in and actually remember it all but Julie’s notes really help. She literally tells you which parts to highlight in the workbook so at least the important principals will stick. https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/course/sitxfsa001-use-hygienic-practices-for-food-safety/

The second course was on Coffee Training. It was only a small group of us now which made it a bit easier to process all the material. Again this was another refresher for me after doing an Introduction to Coffee Making course a few months back at Chisholm TAFE. I was actually amazed that I was able to stay awake this far into the day. My biggest problem with learning is having enough mental stamina and concentration to handle a 7-8 hour training course but I was determined to stick it out today.

Julie walked us all through the basics of coffee grinding, how to make an espresso, timing your coffee shot, how to steam the milk, how to clean the coffee machine and the most popular coffee types. She then gave us a practical demonstration using one of the coffee machines out in the venue’s gaming area. This is where my anxiety levels slowly began to rise.

I still have confidence issues that I need to overcome when it comes to actually getting hands-on and making coffees. I find putting the group handles into the heads to be tricky as hell and  I was hesitating a lot when it came to steaming the milk. The good news is that at least I gave it a go and didn’t let those internal fears (burning myself, having the milk explode in my face) stop me from trying.

It is all about learning, following the techniques and training tips and having lots of practice. Thank goodness that Julie is a patient woman and made sure that we were all trying to perform the coffee making process correctly. Perhaps one day I could be making coffees for customers in an RSL somewhere or a similar gaming venue to The Cardinia Club. Just have to build my confidence and experience up and I’ll be alright. https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/course/coffee-training/

On Wednesday, I completed the second day of my Hospitality Job Ready Program held at Cardinia Club in Pakenham. Today was a similar deal to yesterday in that we had two different courses spread across the whole day. Firstly, I did my Responsible Service of Alcohol with a group of 15 people. Unfortunately the boardroom table didn’t allow much room between each of us so note-taking was pretty awkward but it was still manageable.  https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/courses/alcohol/

We covered all the important areas including: the liquor industry, benefits of responsible service, alcoholic content of drinks, Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC), intoxication, signs of intoxication, how to prevent intoxication, refusal of service, dealing with underage minors, checking ID, packaged liquor and functions. I found most of the content easy to follow as I’ve done the RSA a few times over the years. The hardest part for myself and probably most people is the refusal of service section.

Not only is it extremely uncomfortable to perform, even in a casual role playing scenario, it’s a lot to remember. Thankfully Julie provided us with many helpful tips to learn it easier. The best way to handle intoxicated patrons and refuse service is: 1. Have A Conversation With The Customer (How’s your night been? What’s the weather like outside? Are you here with friends or by yourself?). 2. Response (I think that you need to have a breather. That will be your last drink for a while). 3. Clarify The Refusal (I’m sorry but I’d be breaking the law if I served you another drink). 4. Offer An Alternative (Would you like a coffee, tea, juice or coke instead?).

For me personally, developing social skills is still a work-in-progress for me. I still have confidence issues when it comes to speaking up and being assertive. But I refuse to give up. The test made up of 20 multiple choice questions was very straight forward. Most of it is common sense and rote learning of statistics like how much the fines are and how much alcohol is in a standard drink. We also learned that a specific law will be changing. That is minors under 18 years old cannot consume liquor in a licensed premises even with a responsible adult present. https://www.vcglr.vic.gov.au/resources/education-and-training/responsible-service-alcohol

The last course in the program was the Bar Operations Training. This particular course was entirely new to me and I found much of the content really interesting to learn. We covered lots of areas including: beverage service outlets, main equipment used, duties of a Bar Attendant, Bar daily set-up procedures, wastage and stock control, alcohol characteristics, wine styles, basic spirits, glassware, measuring drinks, adding ice, garnishing, personal hygiene, cleaning and maintenance, interacting with customers and selling skills. As you can see, there is a lot involved but Julie just focused on the basics today. https://joboutlook.gov.au/occupation.aspx?code=4311

The practical part of the course was a little nerve-racking for me as we were out in public view behind the back Sports Bar. We each learned how to pour a glass of wine, measure and pour of 30ml shot of spirits into a glass and pouring a bar using the taps. Of course new experiences is one of my anxiety triggers so thoughts were rampant through my head (What if I make a mistake? What if I spill beer and wine everywhere? What if I do something stupid?).

But I still managed to give it a go and I did okay for my first ever attempts at making drinks behind a bar. I think it really helps that Julie is incredibly supportive, dedicated and encouraging. She didn’t judge us or put any of us off from doing it and I think that’s an important value for a trainer to have. Of course skills like these take time, practice and patience to develop as well as the correct coaching involved aka teaching staff the right way of doing things. https://www.somerselitetraining.com.au/course/bar-training/

To finish off, Julie gave each of us a job application and a few tips about making a good impression when applying for a job, what to put in your resume and also information about doing the Responsible Service of Gaming online training course which can be a good additional piece of training to have when going for Hospitality type jobs. Whilst Julie is very strict and precise with her style of teaching, I feel like she has good intentions. And with 40 years of Hospitality industry experience, I think she knows her shit just a little bit! http://rsgonline.vic.gov.au/

On Friday afternoon, I had my Metro Trains job interview and online assessment held at Cliftons Melbourne in Southbank. It’s been over two weeks since I attended the information session for the position of part time Leading Station Assistant (LSA) and to be honest, I really didn’t think I would make it this far into the recruitment process. My interview was to be held on Level 18 inside the building at 2 Southbank Boulevard. Considering I only have a vague recollection of the Southbank area, I needed to pull out Google Maps to prevent myself getting lost.

This building was even more intimidating than the previous one with lines of booths, luxury sofas, designer armchairs and furnishings, a restaurant and several banks of elevators. Once I found where I needed to go, the reception staff at Cliftons guided me over to the waiting area. After briefly chatting to one of the other candidates sitting opposite me, I was trying really hard to calm my nerves and use mindfulness techniques to ground myself. It did help a little bit. I was focusing on the abstract floral patterns of the nearby chair and just observing shapes and colours.

Twenty minutes of uncomfortable waiting later, I was called up by a lady named Tara and escorted into one of the meeting rooms. The email I received last week was a bit misleading in saying that today’s session would involve a group discussion. This was not the case. In fact, my first task was to come up with a public announcement speech for a role playing exercise with one of two Metro Trains staff members. I only had 10 minutes to read the brief, jot down some notes and perform it. I also had to deal with a disgruntled customer scenario.

The nerves were really kicking in hard now as I’m not good at performing on the spot and thinking on my feet. The Metro Trains staff member, who was playing the role of the disgruntled customer, made it deliberately difficult for me, requiring me to think outside of the box. I was pulling all kinds of answers out of my ass from saying “Sorry for the inconvenience. We’re doing everything we can to rectify the issue.” to offering free transport and even a lift in my own car.

The next part was even harder...the interview itself. It’s not like I have job interviews everyday or even every week so I knew that this would be a challenge. The six or so questions that I was asked were pretty generic...Why do you want to work for Metro Trains? What does exceptional customer service mean to you? Tell me about a time when you faced a change of procedure or system, you dealt with a difficult customer, you demonstrated exceptional customer service, you acted in a safe manner in the workplace. (The STAR Method. S = Specific Situation. T = Task. A = Action. R = Result). https://www.vawizard.org/wiz-pdf/STAR_Method_Interviews.pdf

To be fair, I really should have been more prepared for these types of questions as thinking of specific workplace scenarios takes time for me. I also misunderstood some of the questions they were asking and for me it was embarrassing and made me feel kind of dumb. My hands were getting sweaty. My face was getting red and flustered. I was tripping over my words. Any confidence I did have pretty much left the meeting room after that. The pressure was building up inside my head and inside I wanted to have a mental breakdown. This is the exact reason why I hate doing job interviews so much.

However, I was determined to finish this no matter how hard it got. I even threw in a few details I’d heard about the Metro Tunnel and High Capacity trains that are being constructed. I also mentioned that I had some degree of knowledge around timetables, service disruptions and the role of the LSA. I was giving this interview my all, even though I could easily tell from the interviewers looks and body language that I’ve got a fat chance of being a successful candidate.

I breathed a sigh of relief as the interview came to a close with “Any questions?”. I was mentally drained and couldn’t think of any at the time. I just wanted to get out of that meeting room. The last part of today’s session was thankfully the easiest. I had to complete an online computer test which involved literacy, numeracy and oral communication skills. There were a couple of tricky questions but overall I found the task relatively simple and I got it finished very quickly.

I walked away from today’s interview feeling like I hadn’t done enough to be successful. I feel like there was a lot of pressure and expectation placed on me from the two guys who were interviewing me. The high corporate environment in which the interview took place was also really off-putting for me. And there were also a few curve-ball questions that I didn’t know how to answer. I physically and mentally felt stressed out from it, partly because I can get caught up in my emotions a lot like worrying what the interviewers were thinking about me.

But I have no regrets about going today. It was a big learning experience for me and I’m glad that I was strong enough not only to attend the interview but to stick it out. It was very uncomfortable for me but I still did it. If I don’t get the job, it’ll probably be a blessing in disguise. No job is worth killing yourself over and I feel like the demand of this role might be too great for me to handle. But we shall wait and see. http://www.metrotrains.com.au/careers/

“Hold fast, I’ll guide you through the night. And fear not for I am by your side. Listen through the rain. And you can hear the angels say. Help is on the way. The moment you begin to pray. When the thunders roar. You don’t need to be afraid. I’ll lead you through the storm. So please remember when I say. I’m with you always.” Owl City - Always (2018)

“Look up when the world gets you down And you're gonna get by. Hang in when the world counts you out. And you're gonna be fine. Sometimes that's life. Some days nothing never goes right. But when your hand is mine. You got me floating on cloud nine.”                        Owl City - Cloud Nine (2018)