#my uncle aunt grandmother feel like such fucking strangers and whenever i go there

[iqmmir]

Sometimes i feel so fucked because i seriously don't really belong anywhere and it's just. Wow

[unicornsandwich23]

RFA+ Saeran minus Jaehee MC was abused. (TRIGGER WARNING.)

I’m not uncomfortable, it’s fine. I apologize for this taking so long. Though it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, it was a bit close to home for me. If this comes off as a bit awkward or too.... Personal? I’m very sorry and feel free to criticize me. I may have gotten a bit emotional... And personal. I’m very sorry if that bothers you or anyone else. I’m also very sorry that I left Jaehee out. I was having a bit of trouble with this and it became overwhelming. (However, I have something similar wrote with her Here!)

I’m just sorry in general if this is shit. Lol

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of various forms of abuse below.

Yoosung:

You were going through some old family photos with Yoosung.

He noticed that a few times you would cringe at certain pictures or your eyes would take on this dark, lifeless look for a second.

All of the photos that gave you this reaction seemed to have been around the same time period as well.

Yoosung honestly couldn’t help asking about it after the forth time of seeing you react this way.

“MC.... Did something bad happen around this time?”

You tensed when Yoosung pointed to the picture of you in your favorite shirt that you had just placed back on the ground.

You stared at the picture as if you were in some sort of trance for a moment until Yoosung softly called your name and you jolted back to attention. “O-oh... Well, you could say that...”

You gently ran your fingertips down the image, lingering on the shirt you were wearing. “This picture was taken on a trip with my aunt and uncle. It was the last time I ever got to see them... For a while.”

“Why is that...?” You could tell that Yoosung was being very careful with his words as if he were trying not to upset you.

“These... People I was staying with weren’t exactly the nicest, I guess you could say. It may seem... Stupid to most..”

Yoosung quickly spoke up when you said this. “Don’t say that, MC... You can tell me. I don’t think you are stupid...”

His words made tears well up in your eyes and you smiled painfully, your face scrunching up slightly.

“Heh... R-right. Well, they didn’t really... Abuse me, I guess you could say. Just small things, like bullies... If I really liked a shirt, they would take it. They threw some of my favorite toys out the window. Whenever we would eat, they would make me eat things just because they knew I hated them.”

“I wasn’t allowed on the furniture because I was ‘dirty’ so they would make me sit on the floor if I was lucky.... Most times I would have to stand in the corner for the entire day... When it came time to sleep, if I didn’t fall asleep fast enough they would make me stand until I was exhausted... I wasn’t even allowed to go to the bathroom on my own... I.... Heh...”

Yoosung grabbed your arm and your eyes widened at the realization that your nails had been digging into the photo and your cheeks were covered in tears.

You slowly turned to him, a look of utter shock on your face before you felt yourself shatter.

You let out a strange, whining sob before throwing your arms around him, clinging on to him.

Yoosung instantly put his arms around you as well and you could have swore you felt tears dripping onto your shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid b-but I-“

Yoosung cut your words off by squeezing you tighter. “It’s not, MC. I p-promise it’s not. I know it’s not... Normal abuse but... That doesn’t make what they did to you okay and... It doesn’t make your pain any less valid...”

Another whine broke out and you hugged him tighter, shaking with sobs as you cried into his shoulder.

You wondered if he knew how much those words meant to you.

You wondered if he knew that those words were the words you had wanted so badly to hear that you couldn’t stand it.

No matter how many times you said it was stupid, all you wanted to hear was that the pain you felt from the experience was still valid.

Yoosung rubbed your back, softly crying with you while still trying to calm you down.

After you were stable enough to get up, Yoosung held you close to his side while walking you over to the bed, the photos behind you long forgotten.

He held you especially close that night, stroking your hair and whispering soft words of love until you fell asleep.

Zen:

You were walking though the shop with Zen, hand in hand and giggling.

Just as you turned the corner, you completely froze, almost ripping Zens arm off when you pulled him back behind the shelf.

It was clear that Zen was confused but you were too panicked to notice.

You tried your best to play it off as normal and point at a drink you liked but Zen wasn’t fooled.

He saw the way your hand was trembling slightly and your voice was cracked.

He could feel how cold your skin was under his touch.

While you continued playing it off, Zen peaked around the corner you two had just tried going around.

The only person he saw was a older, slightly overweight man standing and looking over some hot food items.

He looked oddly familiar though Zen couldn’t exactly pinpoint where he had seen him or why some of his features were so familiar.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when you pulled on his arm, panic clear on your face.

“Wh-what are you doing?” Your voice sounded even weaker than before and it was clear to Zen that you were on the verge of tears.

“Babe, tell me what’s wrong.” Zen spoke softly, gently grabbing your shoulders and looking into your eyes with concern.

The question had shaken you up a small bit and took away all the words you could have said.

Instead of speaking, you simply pulled him towards the exit.

Right before you reached the area where the shelf would no longer hide you from view, you pulled him a bit closer and tucked yourself under his arm.

More tears welled up in your eyes as you rushed out of the shop with Zen close by. You simply pointed at his bike with a pleading expression once you were outside.

You didn’t want to risk anyone hearing you and you definitely didn't want to risk running into him.

Zen seemed to take the hint and the two of you rode home on his bike in silence.

Once you arrived, you went straight to the bedroom to lay down and calm your heartbeat and prepare yourself.

The tears that you had been holding back this whole time came forth in waves and you covered your mouth to stifle a sob.

Zen rushed in at the sound with a bottle of water in his hand, clearly very worried about you.

This reminded you of the reason why you had stopped by the shop in the first place. To pick up some drinks after a long day of work.

You completely forgotten about this fact and felt even worse about the whole ordeal.

He placed the water bottle on the bedside table and sat down next to you, pulling you against him. “You can talk now, babe. If you want to.”

You nodded your head, reminding yourself that you were in a safe place before speaking. “That person you saw.... That was my dad.”

Suddenly, the reason why some of the mans features had seemed so familiar to him clicked. Not only had he come across a picture of this man in his younger days on your shelf, but you also resembled him in a lot of ways.

Zen nodded his head before gently encouraging you to continue.

“He... When I was younger, well... He wasn’t very happy. He was for a really long time, honestly, but sooner or later he just.... Snapped.... H-he was so sad and angry and lonely and he decided that... Taking it out on me was what he needed and... H-he would....”

You choked on your words and warm tears fell down your cheeks at the memories.

The pain and suffering you had to go through by the hands of the one man who was supposed to fucking protect you.

The hurt and distrust you had built up around you because of him when it was supposed to be his job to teach you how a man should treat you.

You felt yourself being pressed into Zens chest as he gently stroked your hair. “Shhh... There, there.... I’m here...”

His words should have brought you comfort but it only made you cry harder at just how gentle and kind he was being.

You practically curled up into his lap, desperately clinging to him and the love he showed you. “I-I love you..... S-so much....”

Each word was broken up by sobs and Zen hummed in response, rocking you gently as he spoke. “I love you, too. Don’t be scared. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

The words made your chest tighten. Normally Zens overprotective nature was a bit smothering but in this moment it was exactly what you needed.

No matter how strong you were, you had always secretly wished that someone, ANYONE would protect you.

You wanted more than anything for someone to save you and tell you that things would be alright. That no one would be able to hurt you again.

You cried yourself to sleep in his arms, your hands still lightly grasping at his clothing.

Zen stared down at your form in his arms as he gently stroked your hair.

“I promise.... That no one will ever hurt you like that again, MC. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Jumin:

You pulled in a deep breathe to calm your nerves as you looked up at your old family home.

It was the holidays.

The time where your family would get together and silently judge each other for what they were wearing or what they were doing with their life.

You squirmed awkwardly in the dress Jumin had picked for you.

You had tried to pick what your family might have liked but Jumin just wasn’t having it and made sure you picked something you would actually like and feel comfortable in.

It was a sweet gesture but it also ate away at your anxiety of seeing them all again, not to mention that your hair had recently been redyed, which you knew your grandmother hated.

Walking up, you were first greeted by the woman herself outside smoking. “Well, hi there, stranger.” She said in a high, somewhat sweet and sarcastic voice as she walked up to hug you.

You smiled, hugging her back and taking a small bit of comfort in her embrace.

She was mean and sometimes borderline cruel to you but you couldn’t help the small bit of love you still felt for the woman that raised you when your own parents left.

“Hi, Granny. It’s nice to see you.” You smiled nervously before gesturing to Jumin. “This is my husband, Jumin. I’m sure you remember me mentioning that he would be coming along.”

Your grandmother smiled at him kindly, shaking his hand in a friendly matter as she introduced herself.

“Why haven’t you come out to see us in a while?” Your heart dropped at the words. You knew exactly where this was headed.

“Oh, well, you know. Life gets kinda busy sometimes.” You push a friendly smile on to your face as you spoke.

“Yeah, I guess. Just like your brother and dad getting busy.” You could hear the sharpness in her tone and cringed, feeling that old sense of guilt build up in your chest.

You weren’t like them. You loved your family, you did. No matter what they said you swore you loved them.

“I.... Oh, ya know...” You couldn’t think of much else to say on the matter, looking down at the ground and fidgeting nervously.

“Yeah, I know.” You felt the bitterness seeping from her tone. “So, what’d you do with your hair?” She pointed to the unnatural color with thinly vailed annoyance.

“O-oh, yeah! I just got it dyed again! I really do love this color.” You smiled brightly to push down any feelings of sadness from her clear displeasure.

“Well, honey, I’m sure you think it is but you know God made your hair the way He wanted it.” Her voice was sweet but her words still hurt a bit. You knew she didn’t like it. She hadn’t since you first started doing it.

However, you continued to smile, unable to really argue with her. “I’m sorry, Granny. I guess it really isn’t the best color.” She nodded in agreement, taking a long drag of her cigarette before she continued speaking.

“Well, nothing you can do about it now.” Her eyes traveled down your dress in a look of judgement, but she didn’t say anything else. “So how about your uncle and my sister?”

You froze at her words, fidgeting once more. You knew exactly why they didn’t come. They could feel the judgement in the same way you did but it wasn’t as if you could say that.

“Oh, I haven’t talked to them much lately. I’m not really sure why they didn’t come.” You shrugged awkwardly, looking off to the side.

“Well, I wish they would. They should know that they are always welcomed.” You nodded with a smile, trying your best not to be upset.

She had this way of always saying harsh things in a sweet tone and nice things in a cruel, spiteful tone.

“W-Well, we better get in there!” You cheered, grabbing Jumins hand and pulling him along. “Yeah, you should. Everyone has really missed you, ya know?”

You smiled, nodding your head in understanding before walking into the household, trying your best to suppress the guilt.

You awkwardly passed through the full living room into the kitchen where your more close family resided.

The rest of the evening you tried your best to smile and spend time with a family you had never felt close to. You didn’t have things in common with them and their cruel talk made you uncomfortable the whole time.

Finally, after a while, Jumin pulled you outside to speak to you. “Love, are you alright? You’ve been acting very strange.”

You cringed at his words, looking down at your feet. You really were the problem.

You loved your family but sometimes you just didn’t know how to spend time with them. “N-nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” You smiled up at him but it was so obviously strained.

He sighed, cupping your face in his hands gently. “You don’t have to pretend like you are okay. You’ve looked like you were on the verge of tears most of the evening.”

Your face crumbled a bit at his words and you were about to speak until you heard the front door open. You spun around just in time to see your grandmother once more.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” She asked, lighting up a cigarette as she sat in one of the chairs. “Oh, nothing really. Just talking.” You smiled awkwardly, tugging at your hair.

“Well, you do know you can talk inside, too. You always were like this, ever since you were a kid.” You looked off to the side, shrugging awkwardly. You just... Didn’t fit in with them.

Your grandmother sighed when you didn’t respond, taking another drag before exhaling and resting her hand in her chin. “You know, your aunt said she liked your dress.”

“R-really?” Your eyes instantly sparkled and you smiled brightly, looking up at her. Your heart dropped with you saw her face scrunched up in displeasure. “Yeah, well, she doesn’t have that good a taste.”

“O-oh....” You looked back down, kicking yourself mentality for getting so excited over nothing.

“I think her dress is lovely as well.” You actually finch when Jumin speaks up and you look over at him, speechless.

“Well, that’s nice.” You could tell she didn’t like what he said and that she wasn’t going to let it go. “I just think she should worry more about her hair than the cloths she wears. You know all your hairs gonna fall out if you keep doing that to it.”

You sighed, feeling defeated by her words. You loved her so much and that was why each word she spoke hurt so badly. “I guess so.”

Without warning, Jumin took your hand in his, pulling you along. “We were actually about to leave. We have other events to attend to.”

“You’re leaving already?” You stopped in your tracks, pulling your hand from Jumins before walking back over to her. “Yeah, sorry...”

“Well, alright than. It’d be nice if you came out to see me more often.” She pulled you into a hug and you nuzzled into her, hugging back tightly. “Right! I love you.”

“Love you, too.” Her tone of voice made you feel so guilty for saying goodbye. “Are you gonna say bye to everyone else?”

“Oh! Of course!” Before Jumin could even stop you, you had turned to run back into the house to say your goodbyes.

Once back in the car, you slumped against your seat, tugging on your dress awkwardly.

“You don’t have to prove yourself to them.” Your heart dropped at Jumins words and you turned to look at him in complete shock. “What?”

“It was fairly obvious the whole day that you were trying so bad to impress all of them, even when they would tear you down.”

His words made your heart clinch and you looked down, tears welling up in your eyes. “I just.... I just want them to like me... I- I really do love them!” You looked back up at him as if you were pleading with him to agree.

He gently cupped your face, speaking in a soft tone. “I know that you do, my dear. That doesn’t mean that you have to pander to everything they want, though.”

The tears that were building up in your eyes suddenly fell down your cheeks. You wanted so desperately for your family to approve of you. No, not your family. You wanted HER to approve of you.

But you didn’t want to lose who you were as a person and it hurt.

“I really d-do love her so much...” You muttered in a weak voice. “I just want her to love me, too. I just...” your voice broke and trailed off as Jumin pulled you into a hug.

“Shhh, there there. I know. It’s okay that you aren’t what they want you to be. I’m sure that they still love you.” A small sob broke out at his words and you nodded.

“If I may interrupt, we are here.” Driver Kim muttered, giving you a gentle look of reassurance. You looked up to see that you were already at your other family members house.

“Oh!” You jumped out of his arms, quickly drying your tears as you ran like a giddy child up the stairs and to the front door to knock.

“Well, hey there!” Your aunts excited voice made you smile brightly as you threw your arms around her, giggling.

“Hey, sweet pea.” Your uncle came from his bedroom, smiling and hugging you as well. You smiled up at them brightly, a warm feeling filling your chest.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Jumin leaded against the doorframe with a warm smile on his face as he watched you.

About that time, your aunt and uncle had noticed him as well and ushered him in with friendly smiles. You felt happiness all the while.

Just as they weren’t paying attention, Jumin leaned in and whispered to you. “Even if no one else does, they love you and so do I. Please, love, don’t feel as if you have to prove yourself.”

You turned around quickly, a bit shocked but as you turned back to your REAL family, you smiled with teary eyes.

Right. Not everyone had to love or accept you. Those who did were all that mattered.

Seven:

Sighing in content, you looked up at the soft orange and purple sky above you and smiled. The evening sunlight danced off of different things, giving them a peaceful vibe.

It truly was a beautiful day to be out for a walk and the soft music playing in your ears made it all the more lovely.

You flipped through a few songs before picking a different one and continued walking around the oval path.

You glanced over at the road as you saw a car pass by unreasonably fast and mentally judged them, rolling your eyes. Some people really were just in a hurry for no reason these days.

It happened once more and you raised an eyebrow, feeling this strange sensation come over you that you tried to ignore.

Today was a nice day and you were going to focus on that above anything else. Besides, a friend of yours lived right across the road from the track so it wasn’t as if you were completely alone.

You had just reached one side of the oval when you saw a car pull into the tracks small parking lot. You curiously looked over to see who it was and you felt your heart stop at the sight.

It was her. The woman you hated with a blinding passion. She waved, her fingers wiggling as she smirked at you.

You decided to opt for not recognizing her and waved back as if you were creeped out by a random stranger waving at you and picked up your pace, hoping to get further away as you tapped away at your phone.

Seven picked up after the third ring and you couldn’t help how panicked your voice sounded as you spoke. “S-Saeyoung.... Can you come pick me up....? Please....??”

Your breathing had gotten slightly more rapid and tears welled up in your eyes. “MC? What’s wrong, are you okay?”

“Please come get me....” You voice sounded weak and on the verge of breaking as you spoke and Seven seemed to realize the urgency behind your request.

You decided to ignore the stabbing daggers and overwhelming intimidation you were feeling from the car.

You found yourself looking down at your phone more, no longer looking around to enjoy the day.

You ended up sending several panicked texts to Seven in hopes that somehow that would make him show up faster.

Finally, a beautiful red car came down the road and you didn’t even wait for it to pull into the parking lot, deciding to instead jog straight over to the road.

He stopped when he realized what you were doing and you rushed over to the passenger side, jumping in and buckling with shaking hands.

Seven tried to speak but you cut him off sharply. “Just drive.” You knew that Sevens window was tinted enough to hide you and you found yourself staring at her in the car.

She was laughing more than a person alone should be and you felt an overwhelming bitterness fill you. You stared down at your lap and felt confused when the car stopped and Seven cut the engine.

You turned to him before looking around to see that the two of you had stopped in a random parking lot not far from the walking track.

“What happened, MC? Are you hurt?” Seven leaned over, examining you for any external injuries. You laughed bitterly, feeling this strange emotion building up within you. “Not on the outside, no. Ha.... Hehehe....”

You could see the concern that filled Sevens face at your reaction and you laughed again, tears filling your eyes as you spoke. “I hate her....”

“Who? Who do you hate?” You could hear the panic and worry in his voice and you sobbed, reaching out and grabbing his face between your hands.

He didn’t so much as flinch away and you pulled him in, gently resting your forehead against his as your spoke.

“Her... That thing that tried to pretend to be a mother to me... That thing that hurt me... Bruised me every day of my life... Mocked me and belittled me... Made me too scared to leave my house for months... Saeyoung...”

His name came out so strained and got could see the heart broken look in his eyes as he cupped your face. “Shhh, it’s okay... I’m right here. You aren’t alone anymore.”

You broke into a loud fit of laughter again, clinging tightly to his hands that were holding your face. “I HATE her... Hah... Haha... I hate her so much that it scares me, Sae...”

Seven pressed gentle kisses to your face as he shushed you, trying his best to calm you down.

You giggled and sobbed, clinging desperately to him as those familiar feelings of anger and fear burned deep within you.

You cried, almost screaming your hatred to him as he tried to talk you down.

After you were calm enough to relax back into your seat, Seven drove the two of you not home, but out into a field.

He got out of the car without a word and went to open your door for you. You slowly got out, allowing him to guild you onto the hood of his car before he followed along.

The two of you laid against the car, hand in hand, as you both started up at the now star filled sky.

It was completely silent but the warmth of his hand in yours told you clearly that you weren’t alone.

“You know... I wouldn’t let just anyone lay on the top of my car like this.” You paused for a moment, taking in his words before you laughed, smiling softly as you turned your face towards a grinning Seven.

“Well, aren’t I a lucky one?” Seven smiled even wider at your words before gently pressing his forehead to yours. “Hmm, I think that would still be me. Getting to spend such a lovely day with such a beautiful girl.”

Your heart jumped at his words and you smiled slightly, nuzzling against him. “Yeah... Right... It’s... Still a beautiful day...”

Saeran:

You were walking through the park, hand in hand with your sweet cactus.

He had a rough night and always loved walking around in nature while holding your hand to cool off.

You were looking around the lovely area when you completely stopped without even fully realizing.

You also didn’t hear Saerans voice as you pulled your hand from his and ran full speed towards the person you swore you knew.

Saeran, of course, followed quickly behind you despite being very fucking confused by the whole situation.

You had ran up to an older woman sitting on a bench. Saeran watched from a distance as you checked to see if the woman was who you thought they were.

When they responded to you with a yes, you almost broke down as you asked them if they remembered you and said your name.

The woman seemed confused for a moment before her eyes widened and she jumped to her feet, hugging you.

You hugged the woman back, your eyes teary as you smiled at her. “I wanted.. I wanted so badly to tell you thank you. I never got to say it. I’m... So thankful for what you done for me. Beyond thankful. If it hadn’t been for you.. Who knows what...”

The woman cut you off with a soft smile and told you there was no need for thanks before she had to rush off at the call of one of her grandchildren.

Saeran jogged over to you, a clear look of confusion on his face. “What the hell was all that about?”

You jumped before freezing in the spot and looking down at your feet, clearly ashamed. “Oh, um.... Can we go home... And talk...? S-sorry...”

Saeran didn’t question this, simply taking your hand and walking back home with you.

Once you had returned, Saeran didn’t push you to begin explaining right away though it was clear as day that he wanted to know what all that was about.

With a deep sigh, you pulled him along to sit with you and nervously fiddled with your fingers.

“When you did a background check on me, how much did you find?” He was very confused by this being the first thing that you said. What did that have to do with anything?

Regardless, he answered. “Not much, actually. Your background didn’t really matter, just your current life and relations to other people. The background would have done nothing for me if you had a large following or many connections at the current time.”

You nodded your head in understanding. That made sense. No matter what your background was, going to the apartment would have only effected your current life at the time. So that was what mattered.

“Well, the woman in the park was actually a nurse...” Saeran raised an eyebrow at this but didn’t question as you continued. “A nurse.... From a behavioral health center.”

Saeran tensed at the familiar terminology. He knew that was just a small sub category placed under mental hospitals.

“When I was really young I was sent there under false accusations and while there, I guess they didn’t know that you were strip searched and well.... When they did this, they were also legally obligated to.... Take pictures of all of the bruises and gashes on my body.”

Saeran visibly finches at your words but holds his tongue, allowing you to continue. “I can’t really even remember if they had asked me where those awful marks came from but.... My last day there, when I was taking my bedding to the laundry room.... That woman you saw stopped me.... She stopped me and begged me to tell her where all those bruises came from...”

“When I broke and told her.... She saved me. She saved me from going back to that hellhole of a household....” Tears welled up in your eyes as you smiled at Saeran sadly.

“If it hadn’t been for her, I think I might have been dead by now. Or at least irreversibly depressed.” The tears slipped down your cheeks and you lowered your head, feeling a bit ashamed.

Saeran had been through hell and back and here you were crying to him about your problems.

You felt a warmth surround you and gasped slightly, pressing your hands against Saerans chest that you were now pressed against. “You can keep talking.”

You gripped the fabric of his shirt, nodding your head and pressing into him. Therapists were good, but nothing beat talking to the one you loved. “U-um.... It was my dads girlfriend.... S-she told them I had anger issues a-and...” Your voice cracked and you curled into him, feeling your body tremble.

“She would say these sick things like I ‘enjoyed it’ when my dad would whip me so she would do it... She would sometimes pinch the skin under my arms when I wouldn’t speak up or something... Um... Throw me against walls and yell at me and tell me I was sick and twisted... Beat me with various switches like big ones that would leave bruises or small, thin ones that would cut through the skin....”

You shook your head, a sob escaping your lips. You wanted to talk, you did. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. They don’t have any kind of power over you... Not anymore..” His words made your heart thump rapidly in your chest and you smiled, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

He pulled back, gently touching your cheek and brushing a tear away. “We have each other now. They don’t matter. No one else matters.”

You nodded again, smiling brighter than before and hugging him. “Thank you... So much...”

Saeran pulled you back into a tight embrace, gently stroking your hair as you cried against him.

For the rest of the evening and night, Saeran simply held you and didn’t speak much.

He didn’t push you to speak about “where they are now” or become angry or aggressive about the whole matter like you somewhat expected and worried about.

He was simply silently by your side, making sure that you didn’t feel alone.

That was all you could really ever hope for and the best thing he could do.

[themoonintexas]

My dad is overall a good dad. In recent years I've had a better relationship with him than I did in the past. He didn't excessively beat me, he didn't drink, and he kept me well fed and continues to financially support me. However, I have come to the realization that he could be emotionally abusive at times. Thinking back to all the times he made me cry it was always through words and silly little misunderstandings that turned into screaming matches. He never was a good listener and I would have a hard time getting points across to him which would make me frustrated. My dad is not an emotional man at all and unfortunately for him he had 3 emotional daughters. So whenever I would get frustrated with him and express this he would get angry and yell. His favorite thing to do when I would get worked up and try to explain myself was to tell me to shut up. I remember when I moved into my apartment we got in a little argument about something and he started to yell at me. My door was open and I just moved in with 3 strangers who knew nothing about me. I begged him to lower his voice and not yell with the door open because I didn't want this to be my roommates first impression of me. He ended up storming out. When I was 10 I was with my sister and her husband and we were at my aunt and uncles house. They started to gossip about my grandmother (stuff that I would now agree with) but when I was 10 I loved my grandma so much and I decided to tell her everything they said. Because I was 10 fucking years old and still a child. My grandmother was upset and told my sister I had told her and said she wasn't coming to her wedding. My dad then called me and yelled at me and told me I ruined the wedding. Which I didn't, my sister got married and my grandma was there and it was like it never happened. But still I got told, at 10 fucking years old, that I ruined an entire fucking wedding and whatever family drama was happening was all my fault. And I never got an apology. For any of it. After all the times my dad made me cry I never got an apology or to even talk about what happened after I calmed down. I was just supposed to go back to normal and forgive him. Because I'm still so dependent on him I have to still do this today out of fear of being cut off. My dad takes care of me and most of the time I feel loved. I still believe overall he is a good dad and a good man. But because he is so emotionally stunted I have suffered through the years.

[threemoonsareshining]

Today I had one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, one in which I truly felt for my safety, and I have to say I am very, very lucky because it could've ended in a really bad way, and I’m glad it didn’t. Maybe now writing it, it doesn’t seem that serious but at the moment I was actually scared. 

Ok, so I went on a trip with my friend (we are both girls just to make it clear) to my grandmother's hometown, which is a really tiny village in the middle of the countryside. We’ve always loved it there, even though we don’t visit often (it’s a long drive and somehow we always have something else to do, but we try to go once a year), we enjoy taking walks, since, as I said, is a very small town, full of crumbling houses, wild fruits and steep rocks to climb. It had actually been approximately been 5 years since we last visited (I know I said we tried to go once a year but we’re a mess I’m sorry), so we were really excited to see how everything had changed and to return to our favourite spots. So that’s what we did, after lunch, we went hiking to a nice stream. But as I said, things change, and our perception of distance was no exception: we thought the river was much further than it actually was, so the hour-long trip we had planned ended up being a fifteen-minute walk. Surprised, my friend and I decide to explore a little more, so we turn back and go down a different path, in which we bump into a herd of really big cows, among which we could find a tiny calf, so we believed it would be safer if we didn’t come close the tiny creature (its mom was frighteningly big and we didn’t want to take any chances). So then again, we turn back and decide to follow a third path, one that, as the sign said, led to a famous peak, or rock, or something. 

We start walking uphill. The view was truly breathtaking, the valley was so humongous I started to feel overwhelmed and a little dizzy. We run into a flock of sheep, which was really nice (this isn’t important, I just liked it a lot, they were so cute). Anyways, we walk and walk, and although it was a really steep slope, we weren’t feeling tired at all (maybe it was the concentrated coffee we had had after lunch, we felt unstoppable). We didn’t seem to arrive at the top of the hill, so we started to wonder if we should be heading back, since my family wanted to visit some plot of land a little far from the town, but suddenly we get a call from my aunt, and they tell us they’re leaving right at that moment, and obviously we didn’t have time to arrive on time to go with them, so we agree that they would go to do whatever they had to do and we would stay and keep hiking without any pressure, as they wouldn’t be away for too long. We start walking again, with the purpose of getting to the top (now it was personal you know, we wanted to be able to say “hey, I was up there”, but that wouldn’t be possible, of course, we didn’t know that yet). 

ANYWAYS,  we walked for a long-ass time and the curves in the path would keep getting higher and higher ceaselessly, so we decided that was far enough, we had got higher than we had expected in the first place anyways (now our trip to the river seemed meaningless in comparison). Before heading back, we take some pictures of the, then again, breathtaking view. While doing so, we realise there is a tiny stone cabin with a big white car in the front in the distance, but close enough so we could see it, and so could whoever was the owner of that vehicle. I decide to ignore it (later I’d learn my friend hadn’t), so we keep taking pictures. After the last selfie, one we took in order to prove we had actually got there, (we were quite proud of our achievement I must admit), we realise the white car was no longer next to the cabin, which was actually closer than it appeared at the beginning (I’m getting nervous while writing this, I didn’t expect it, this is horrible), so after a few seconds I start feeling the ground rambling a little, like when a vehicle is getting closer, slowly. This didn’t seem to be a problem at first, we live in the countryside as well and whenever we encounter some kind of truck in one of our walks, we just step out of the road and wait until it passes us with no trouble whatsoever, except for the annoying cloud of dust it leaves behind. But this time, clearing off the road didn’t seem right, it didn’t seem safe enough. I tell my friend to move away from the path, to get deeper into the rocks, surrounded by bushes so we could hide behind one. But we had reacted too slowly, and we couldn’t get too far, the car was getting closer, so we’d have to manage with that. We kneel on the ground, behind a rock and pray that we turned tiny in the eyes of that people. But something we hadn’t bargained for was that we were in the middle of a tight turn, so they were able to see us from the rear mirror of the car. And that’s when we see them. They weren’t an old villager coming back minding his business from a long working day (which was also a little risky, since we were alone in the middle of nowhere, with our family away and no way to scape, in an unknown place full of sharp rocks and steep and slippery rocks), no. They where a group of five boys, who must have been a little older than us, in their early-mid twenties. They were screaming like animals, something we assumed was addressed to us, and something, we assumed, not too respectful. But I mean, within the worst that could happen, getting catcalled by some dudes passing by wasn’t that terrible. But then, to our surprise, the car brakes abruptly and starts pulling back. I turn pale instantly, I freeze, and I kind of black-out, since now I can’t remember clearly every detail of it, but if I could describe the scene, it was just like in movies, when a car stops that way and you simply know that character is screwed up, you think “that’s it, that girl is dead already”. But as I said above, we were lucky. They just kept screaming something like “see? I told you there was someone there! oh look at those little bunnies!”, while laughing, and then kept driving. My friend and I don’t move until we can’t see them anymore and then get up, we are both shaking and we have trouble breathing. We try to calm down and then start our way back home, a little more relaxed now, but not really. 

We talked about how badly that could’ve gone, about how pathetic we must have looked, hiding behind a fucking rock raising our heads above it like kids, but despite that, we were glad we had chosen to seem pathetic over being too exposed. Did we overreact? I don’t think so, especially at the present time, when every time we watch the news there’s always a new woman murdered, or a girl’s body found lifeless after being missing for weeks. Hell no. We didn’t overreact. Maybe those guys weren’t bad people after all, but excuse me if we didn’t want to be near to five strangers In The Middle Of Nowhere. What other choice did we have? To stay in the side of the road, even more exposed? What if they had pulled back and started talking to us? Any reaction from us could have had terrible consequences, if we had been friendly, would it seem as if we were suggesting we wanted something? If we had been defensive, they would've laughed even more at us or even made them mad. Maybe nothing would’ve happened, but I’m a person that even in a normal situation tries to avoid people, so imagine in this... bizarre context. We could’ve also run but I see that useless... I don’t know, I just wonder whether we did the right thing by hiding because they could have gotten out of the car and come to get us if they wanted to. I believe we were really lucky, maybe they saw our faces in an utter state of panic and decide it wasn’t worth it but... I just don’t know, it was very scary. Afterwards, we came back to the village and went for a short walk because our family wasn’t back yet, but we found that the white car was parked in the town square, they were having a drink in the bar, and we didn’t want to have any kind of confrontation, so we just went inside our house, still feeling uneasy and disoriented. When my uncle and aunt arrived we told them everything and they basically mocked us, saying that we were stupid for reacting that way because it wasn’t such a big deal, and then ignoring us. So we started to wonder if that was actually true. 

I still think we did the right thing by hiding, at least we made it clear we didn’t want to be approached. I’m feeling better now but it’s quite sad that a nice activity I love such as walking has been ruined by a bunch of idiots that have fun frightening people. This has also made me realise how bad I am at reacting quickly to stressful situations, and now I kinda want to take a self-defence course or something. Anyways I just wanted to tell this so I can remember it for the future (idk why maybe it’s because I don’t keep a diary anymore and I don’t want to forget stuff), my grammar is probably a mess and don’t even get me started with the verb tenses, anyways, thank for reading if you were able to make it till the end, I tried to keep the story interesting so you wouldn’t get bored but I’m not sure if I actually achieved that purpose, thank for reading regardless.

[vicmontufar]

Alone

It’s strange how a person can feel so lonely at any time of day, even when they’re in the middle of a packed super market or in a crowded church. The idea of being invisible to everyone comes across, along with the the idea that there is no remedy for loneliness is born. Obviously everyone has their own personal reason of why they feel all alone. It could be because one misses someone who meant the entire universe to them, and that someone has completely forgotten about them. It could be because you feel confused about the moment you’re currently in, not sure where you need to go in order to be who you want to be in this life. It could be because you’re in a place where you’re not seen. I don’t know.

There are so many reasons why one would feel lonely in this big world. I feel lonely almost every other day and night. I try to ignore it by talking to the few people I know. But, I sometimes think I might be wasting their time with my worthless conversations and dull attitude. So I’m not surprised if they end up drifting away from me. It has happen numerous times. Recently I’ve been hiding myself beneath the covers to avoid the days I need to live. It’s like a substitute for suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. It’s a lonely one, but a good one. I just wish I can have someone by my side for a while, or just someone to talk to about anything. I got a few friends; they’re all hanging in there. I see them every once in a while, whenever it’s possible.

It’s hard to make new friends, I’ve tried, but I just can’t approach people so easily on a personal level. Like if it’s for something formal, like at work or school stuff, okay yeah, that’s easy. But to get to know them and vice versa, no, just no. I can’t get along with everyone because their conversations are so boring and cliché. Topics that I’ve come across so many times, that I know all the directions of where they could lead up to. My sister always tells me “That’s why I never invite you to hang out with my friends, you’re always so quiet and have nothing to say.” Or my mother “You always think you’re better than everyone you meet.” I’m quiet because I don’t want to fake out an opinion or expression over the conversation they’re all having. It’s pointless. The times that I’ve given my opinion, everyone just stares at me with a face of “what the fuck”. No one likes the truth. They want a lie to make them feel better. Are you even still reading this?

I regret all the times I’ve been to the club. I really do. I only go just to see this girl who will never feel any affection for me. I ignore that fact and still talk to her about anything. Anything that comes across my head. Anything that she’ll forget about, once she leaves me standing there drunk and goes to the bar with some other guy. There will always be someone better than me, which will always leave me being that friend. That friend who you can always talk to when no one is around, that friend who can lend you a hand when your falling, that friend who will just be there. But if you dare to feel something, some kind of affection, she will avoid it. She will gradually stop seeing you. She will stop talking to you like she use to. She will become a stranger. And once time goes on, you’ll see her in a store late at night, and it’s just going to be you and her. She’ll just vaguely smile and walk out the door, crushing your insides into red powder.

People like me are meant to be alone, are not meant to be loved by someone that is not part of your family. That’s why I find myself feeling safe in the music I listen and make, in the films I watch every day. I sometimes wish I could live in one of my favorite albums or films. Just stay there forever. One of the few moments where I forgot about being lonely, was when I was recording in a studio down in Mexico City. Everyone there knew what music really was. The idea of fame and #1 hits was never in the atmosphere, it was all about the music and getting the right sound. I had a good time, even though I was there for two days. I want to go back.

I was in the car with my aunt; we were going to my grandmother’s house. I asked her about her young days, when she left for a year to study in Europe. She told me about her lover from Zaragoza, Spain. She told me how he fell for her, and how she couldn’t catch him. She told me she wasn’t ready at the time, but regrets it. That’s where it came to me. In this life you’re going to fall for a lot of people, and only one will ask you the right question at the wrong time. Be honest. That person might be the one. “Do you still talk to him?” I asked her. “Yeah, from time to time.” They would send each other messages saying how much they miss each other, and how nice it would be if they could be in each other’s arms just for a while. But it can’t happen. He’s married and has a family. She’s divorced and has a small family, it’s just her and my cousin, and they’re doing fine. They’re not alone, they have each other. In one of the messages, he told her that this life owes them so many moments that they were never able to embrace. Fear got to them.

An uncle of mine lost his wife two years ago. She was not young or too old, right in the middle. I think. Now every night my uncle is all alone up in his bedroom, with no one to talk to about his day. No one to kiss. No one tell how beautiful they are after all these years. No one to hold when they are afraid or feeling down. No one to be with. I think you become cold and angry with life, once it takes away the one you love. My grandmother lost my grandfather 19 years ago. Three days after Christmas. Since then she’s been gradually pushing us away, especially my mom. They fight almost all the time. I hate it. I hate to see my grandmother be so cold with my mom. I hate it when she gets mad at everyone for simple reasons. I hate it when she starts crying. I hate it when I have to leave her house. I hate to leave her alone. I hate the idea that she has no one. I’d hate to see her leave us. But, that’s what she really wants right now. She will tell me “Oh, I just hope in the next couple of years, God can just come and pick me up.” I would tell her to not say that, because no one wants you to leave. When my father was in the hospital, I remember the man in the other room. He was dying. His daughter came to say goodbye. Next day, I saw him all covered up in white sheets. They took him out of his room. Never thought I was going to see a dead man on that winter break. Never thought I was about to lose my father. Things just happen. There are handles that you can hold on to, but you’ll never understand the places that they will take you. My mother would spend her hours praying and praying, holding back the tears, so none of us could feel alone.

It’s hard for me to believe in a God that I’ve never met or seen or heard. But I try my best to convince myself that someone does exist up there, and that we’re not just praying to a void. I just can’t be so religious. Every time I go to mass, I see everyone so deep in their prayer and moment. I don’t know how they do it. I’ve tried, but I just can’t. I go on missions, I do my best to believe and cooperate with others, but I just can’t get it like everyone else. All these songs and prayers they recite, have no effect on me. The only way I can talk to him is by just literally talking. I sometimes feel insane, because I might be talking to no one in the end. Maybe it’s all because of the private schools, forcing us to pray, believe, and go to mass every day. Maybe all of that drained out the spiritual part of me. Maybe all of that made God look so casual. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, I just know I’m lost in my faith. It would be worst if I told you that I wasn’t, then I would be lying. It’s better to be honest about the things that make you feel lost.

I have these two friends who will talk to me about their love lives. I listen to them. Give them my opinion, even though it might not matter to them. Because all they really want is someone to listen to them, it’s fine, who doesn’t? I won’t get into detail about their dramas, it’s too much. It involves love triangles, confused relationships, I don’t know. She and her boyfriend where just having enough of each other, they were together for about two years I think. They had to end it; things were going to end bad eventually. She was at the time in love with some other guy; she was in love with both. In the end she ended with someone else. She’s happy now. I’m glad she is. The other friend, she was in the moon with him. It was something great, from what she told me. But then all of the sudden, in small old town, he told her that this wasn’t going work out and that they should be friends instead. Just like that, you can break a human’s heart without even touching it. I think it’s unfair to lead someone on into your world and just kick them out once they’ve settled in. I guess she’s doing fine, I hope she is. I mean, I think it’s cool how she got back on her feet after that storm. Very few people can do that. She’s a good person. Even though I got the feeling she still thinks of him every other day. Who wouldn’t? I think about the good times I’ve had with people who drifted away from me. When you’re alone in a big city, your mind visits many places and feelings. Sometimes I would just like to tell both of them, or any girl I know and care about; you’re too busy looking for someone to break your heart again, stop, this world doesn’t need another sad girl.

Let’s go back to what I was telling you not too long ago, even though they taught me in school not to jump back to topics you already talked about. I don’t care. For a year now I’ve been falling for several girls. It turns out none of them are for me. Isn’t hard to accept the fact that the person you feel some kind of affection isn’t interested in you at all? Doesn’t it burn the core of your bones? They just see you as a friend. I doubt any girl that I’ve met in this life has ever felt anything for me. When will that ever happen? No idea. I’m just that guy in the corner with the ideas. But, oh God, how I would love to kiss her. Oh God, how hard I fall when you leave me all confused with your words in my head. Oh God, how good are you leading me on through the sky without a parachute. Oh God, how insanely perfect are your glowing eyes when they abduct my vision. And oh God, how your voice calms me down when I’m feeling lost. Wait. Don’t think I’m just talking about you, yeah you. If you feel it’s you I’m talking about, let me know how you feel when I’m in the room with you. Let me know what you actually think of me. Let me know if I ever had a chance with you. Let me know if I’m just another friend. Let me know if I can see you on different occasions. Let me know if you ever caught me staring at you. Let me know if I should drift away for a while from you. Let me know when you’ll be ready to tell me the things I want to know. And if you don’t want to let me know, then let’s not mention this when you’re done reading this. Don’t drift away. Don’t stop talking to me. Don’t lose your mind to this. Don’t leave me alone. Don’t tell anyone about this. Don’t forget about this and everything that goes around in your life. Don’t forget who you are. Don’t believe what everyone says. Don’t go into the dark without your guts. Don’t fall in love so quickly. Don’t be afraid to break the glass that comforts your mind. Just please don’t do anything that’ll make you blame yourself in the end.

So yeah, maybe the one for me doesn’t live in my city, or in this country. Who knows? We don’t know about each other’s existence. That’s the beauty of it. We might have already walked by each other.

Right now I’m just writing all of this because  I’m tired of searching for a science to make myself feel different than everyone.

I’m afraid of it all, but I can hold on for a while.

  �֐|;�