#myterriblewriting

[gemofthegalaxy]

~~~~I started to write this last night, as I was half asleep and I attempted to finish it. It’s terrible, I know. Don’t hate because I already do. It’s Kevedd, so yeah. That’s the only great factor about this short fanfiction. So now, I leave you to it, young reader~~~~~

With Pain, Comes a Healing Future

Kevin thought he had experienced pain before. When he had first broken his arm, Kevin had felt an unbearable, sharp pain that caused tears to prick at his eyes. When high school rolled around, Kevin had had his first heartbreak with his girlfriend of 4 months and he had felt empty inside for days. He had locked himself in his room, blasting music into his ears and writing awful poetry to numb the ‘ache in his heart’. Senior year of high school, Kevin had come out to his parents, explaining that he just didn’t feel attraction to girls like he had to guys. His parents yelled at him, telling him to quit joking and thinking he had done enough damage, Kevin had walked into his room and sobbed. When he was attending university, Kevin would have extremely painful migraines, attempting to study in order to keep up with his brainiac boyfriend. With all these experiences, Kevin had thought he had a basis of pain or a tolerance of some sort. Besides, with pain, comes a healing future. Kevin’s broken arm had healed, he had gotten over his girlfriend, his parents had later come to accept their son as he was, and he had graduated college with his boyfriend, all migraines and tests done and over.

What he had never prepared for was the burning ache in his chest, the lashing hot tears flooding his face, the sudden loss of control of his body, and the murderous anger.

“Are you Mr. Kevin Barr? Husband of a Mr. Eddward Vincent?”

“Yes, yes I am. Why? What’s wrong?”

Kevin collapsed on his cluttered bed. Papers, clothes and food wrappers seemed to envelope the entire bed, except for a body shaped size on one side, the side in which Kevin had landed, face stuffed into his pillow. He was exhausted mentally, tears still fresh on his face, but he couldn’t sleep.

“I am so sorry, but your husband has gotten into an accident and it seems as if he isn’t going to make it.”

“Oh god no. Please no. No.”

One month. It had been one month since Kevin had last slept and even then it had taken 3 Tylenol PMs to get him to sleep 6 hours. He lifted his face from his pillow, staring into the wall in front of him, his insides churning and eyes hollow. He couldn’t feel anything anymore. He couldn’t eat anymore. He couldn’t do anything without him anymore.

“I’m sure you want to see him. He’s at Mercy Hospital-”

“I’m on my way.”

What do I do now? Kevin glanced at the clock, noting the flashing time. It was 10:30 a.m. Didn’t he eat at this time? Should he eat? Had he even felt hungry anymore? When was the last time he had eaten something?

“Hi. I’m here to see Eddward Vincent.”

“Mhm… Well it seems he’s in room 65. It’s just across this hall and on the left.”

Kevin dragged himself off of his bed, forcing himself to prepare breakfast for himself. He had promised Nazz last week that he would start to better himself and he would be damned if he would make her worry like he had for the past 3 months. He glanced inside the refrigerator to find nothing. He popped his head up to see if there was anything on top of the refrigerator. Nothing. He opened the freezer. Once again, nothing. Kevin glanced down at his caved-in stomach and the ribs that were poking out dangerously.

“You’re Kevin Barr, correct?”

“Yeah I am.”

“Well, before you can see your husband, I must give you the report of what’s going on… He seems to have hit his head on his steering wheel. The airbag never inflated, sir. He also seems to have a major concussion which is causing bleeding within his skull. I’m sorry Mr. Barr, but he isn’t going to make it.”

“Why’re you telling me all these details!? Just tell me he’s fucking dying! You’re wasting my time with him! I want to see him. I need to see him.”

“Of course, sir. I am so sorry.”

Kevin managed to finally scavenge an apple he found in the fruit bowl on his, used to be pristine, granite counter. He walked to his cozy living room and sat down to examine his find. It looked to be fine, not rotten like the rest of the fruit, so he took a bite. He chewed slowly, trying with every fiber of his being to enjoy it, but he didn’t. In fact, he was going to vomit.

“Edd? Edd, oh god. Edd? Can you hear me?”

“…”

“Edd, you can’t leave me, okay? You just can’t. I… I’m nothing without you. I can’t do anything right without you. I love you. Don’t leave me please. Please please please. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Running as fast as he can without getting lightheaded, Kevin went into the bathroom and headed for the toilet. He opened the lid as fast as he could and from there, he vomited the last thing he had eaten: a bite of apple. The pain from his throat hurt his eyes and once he had felt he spewed the poison from his stomach, Kevin sat against the bathroom wall and cried. His crying started to suddenly turn to sobs and his whole body shook violently. He couldn’t live like this. He couldn’t live without him.

“Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave. Visiting hours are over.”

“I can’t. I just got here. Please. I need 5 more minutes.”

“You said that last time. I’m so sorry, but I have to ask you to leave.”

“…Okay. Let me just… say a few things.”

“Be quick sir.”

“…Edd. I love you. I know you’re strong. I have to go. They say you won’t make it past tonight, but I know you.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Once his sobs had slowed back down to crying fits, Kevin dragged himself up and walked over to his bedroom to grab his phone. He opened it slowly and scrolled down all throughout his list until he came upon ‘Nazz’. He clicked the call button.

“…Hello?”

“Yes. I’m here to talk to a Mr. Barr?”

“Speaking.”

“I’m sorry to inform you that your spouse, Mr. Vincent, has passed away this morning at 8:47 a.m.”

“…No…”

“Kev?” Nazz answered within the second ring.

“Nazz, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I just can’t. It’s too hard to do this. He’s everywhere Nazz and I can’t get him out of my head. I’m losing it and I don’t know what to do,” Kevin had to stop as another wave of tears hit him and he attempted to regain control.

“Kevin. Stay with me, okay? I’m heading out. I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Just sit down and wait for me. Okay?” Kevin barely heard Nazz over his loud breathing and sniffling.

“Alright,” Voice thick and vision blurry, Kevin managed to move his feet and find the couch.

“I heard what happened. I am so sorry Kevin.”

“… Yeah.”

“Kevin! I am so sorry! I just heard what had happened!”

“… It’s fine. Really. I’m fine”

“Kev… I heard. I…I’m-”

“I swear Nazz. If you say you’re sorry like all these other fucking people, I swear, I’m going to lose it. I can’t take it. So don’t you even fucking dare say you’re sorry.”

The sound of the door unlocking woke Kevin up from his daze.

“..Kevin?” Nazz’s voice filled the empty house and her footsteps echoed on the hardwood floor. Kevin slowly rose off the couch and walked to the front of the house. Once Nazz had seen him, she completely stopped.

“Yeah?” Kevin asked. Nazz shook her head and pushed him towards his room.

“Get dressed. Pack what you need. You’re staying at my place for a few days.” Once Nazz shut the door behind Kevin, Kevin had finally processed what she said.

“I wasn’t going to say sorry Kevin. I have nothing to say sorry for. I was just going to tell you I’m taking you out for some coffee. Be ready in 15 minutes.”

“No thanks Nazz. I can’t. I’m just going to stay home.”

“It’s funny you thought I was asking. You’re going. You need to get out, alright? I’m getting in the car. See you in 15.”

Kevin walked out of his room, backpack full of necessities in hand and looked around for Nazz.

“Nazz?” He asked looking in the living room and making his way into the study room.

“I’m in the kitchen,” Nazz called back. He walked towards the kitchen, and cleaner hit his nostrils hard, “Sorry, I needed to clean up your counter up a bit. It was dirty and it bothered me. Alright, ready to go?”

Kevin glanced at his once grimy and disgusting counter to see it sparkling, as if it was brand new. How Nazz had cleaned it that well in such a short amount of time, amazed Kevin. He nodded and they both walked out of the house and into Nazz’s shining black Honda. Outside air filled Kevin’s lungs and he started to smile. It was nice to breathe in and the sun that was hitting his pale skin felt glorious.

“Hey! I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time,” Nazz noted before starting the car and driving off.

“… Hello?”

“Hey Kev! I’m heading over. I rented this movie and it seems-”

“Uhm. I think I’m good. I have things to do.”

“Like what? Mope? No. I’m not letting that happen. I’m coming over. Bye.”

“Here we are!!” Nazz sang before hopping out of the car and walking towards the front door. Kevin sighed contently and glanced at her green two-story house, “Kevin! Are you coming in or not!?”

“Kevin!-”

“No. No. I don’t want to do anything today okay!? Can’t I just mourn without you bothering me? I want to be able to cry and cry and cry for days on end without you calling and wanting to do something. I’m miserable without him and you annoying me constantly doesn’t help anything. I don’t want to do anything and I don’t want you calling, okay?”

“Well, I’m going to pick you up in 20 minutes so get dressed, okay? We’re going to eat at this brand new restaurant-”

“Didn’t you hear me? Stop calling.”

“I heard you. I heard you loud and clear, but you’re my best friend and I’m not going to let you put yourself down everyday for something that couldn’t be helped. You don’t need to keep replaying that day in your head. It’s not healthy for you and it sure as hell isn’t healthy for me to keep worrying about you like this, but I’m not going to let my best friend tear himself apart like this. Now get dressed. I’ll be there soon.”

“Nazz?” Kevin asked, grabbing two pieces of pepperoni pizza out of the pizza box and onto a plate. Nazz glanced at him, mouth full of pizza.

“Hmm?” She asked, chewing and swallowing her pizza, “What is it?”

Kevin put down his plate and hugged Nazz. Surprised, Nazz hugged him back, her hands around him protectively as he cried into her shoulder.

“T-Thank you,” Kevin stuttered, hiccuping every few seconds.

“For what?” Nazz stood back to look at his face, confusion filled her face.

“For just being there,” Kevin started to calm down. His hiccups were still there, but his tears had stopped and he smiled at the only person who was ever there for them. She was the only person who had dragged him, literally, out of his house. She was the only person who didn’t apologize for something she couldn’t prevent. She was the only one who attempted to get him out of the house to get Edd out of his mind. She was his best friend and he couldn’t have felt luckier.

[peoplediedrobert]

Parties and Parental Doubts

A brief look at Seb's first birthday party, where Robert is a stressed out mess.

AO3

“You don’t think it’s a bit...”

“A bit what, Aaron? It’s his birthday!”

“...he’s turning a year old, Robert. This is too much.” Aaron looks around the Mill, which is filled to the brim with balloons and streamers. The theme for his party didn’t take long to figure out. Trucks had become his new obsession (or, no matter how many times they try to correct Seb, “gucks”). Seb was fascinated with any and all trucks, no matter their size or function. He laughed and pointed every time one drove by.

Robert rolls his eyes and continues to decorate the living room. “It’s an important party and I want it to be special, end of.” Aaron’s eyes rake over the enormous pile of presents lying on the kitchen table but bites his bottom lip and lets it go—a defensive Robert is never good. The more Aaron pushes, the more Robert lashes out. From the moment they first discussed what kind of party they should have for Seb, Robert had thrown himself into planning every detail, obsessing over the cake, the presents, what photos of Seb they wanted. He had agonized over what Seb would wear (Aaron’s “Robert, just pick any flippin’ shirt with a truck on it. It doesn’t matter” was met with a solid 2 hours of the cold shoulder), what music everyone would want to hear, even which presents they should open first.

It seemed Robert had invited the entire village into the Mill. As people continue to pile in with presents and food, Aaron notices Robert winding himself up tighter and tighter, stress lines etched on his face. He’s running around their home, constantly rearranging decorations or moving food from one surface to another. Even Chas pulls Aaron aside to ask, “What’s wrong with Robert? This is supposed to be a fun day.” Liv tries to crack jokes and tease Robert as per usual, but he is clearly distracted and gets a bit short with her. She looks for Aaron in the crowd of people and raises her eyebrows to her hairline, letting Aaron know that Robert is clearly not fine. He nods and shrugs; he knows something is bothering Robert, of course he does.

After everyone has sung “Happy Birthday” to Seb and he’s smashed cake all over himself and his high chair, Robert disappears, leaving Chas and Liv to clean up the mess.

Aaron finds Robert sitting alone in the garden, head hanging down. Aaron slides in next to Robert and begins to rub his back, slow soft circles to help ease the tension in Robert’s shoulders. “What’s inside your head today, Robert? I haven’t seen you like this in a long time.” “I don’t know, Aaron. I constantly feel like I’m failing. I want this party to be about him. I want him to know that I love him. It always felt like Dad celebrated Andy and Vic but with me...” he trailed off, looking down and scuffing his shoes on the rocks.

“I know. But he knows you love him. You don’t have to buy him things or throw a huge party for him to know that. You’re doing a great job. But if you keep obsessing over being a great Dad, you’re going to miss out on the fun times.”

“How do you have so much confidence, Aaron? Every day I feel like I’m doing something wrong or maybe I’m not as good a dad as I think I am. What if he grows up and resents me for something I’m doing now?”

“Well, first of all, he’s a year old. He isn’t going to remember any of this. What he will remember is that you were there for him. You were there beside him his entire childhood, loving him. He knows we both love him. You’re putting far too much pressure on yourself. Let’s go back inside and just enjoy the party.”

Robert and Aaron rejoined what had turned into a full out Dingle knees up, with Robert feeling a bit more relaxed. He picks Seb up and tosses him into the air, smiling at the giggles the erupt, and then blows raspberries on Seb’s chubby stomach. Aaron laughs and breathes a small sigh of relief that whatever dark cloud had settled over Robert earlier had faded.

As the party winds down, Aaron sees Robert take the last slice of cake and place it in the fridge. Aaron walks up behind him, placing his hands gently on his hips, and resting his head on Robert’s shoulder. “There’s no point saving one slice. We can finish it off now.” Robert’s face pinks up as he says, “I have an idea. Something that maybe we could do with Seb every year, just to make sure his birthday is always memorable.” He looks hesitant to continue so Aaron lets it drop while they clean up the living room. Seb passes out early, exhausted from playing with his trucks and being handed around from one relative to another all evening. Liv ducks out of the cleanup, yelling something about Gabby as she runs out the door. Both Robert and Aaron fall into bed, tired but pleased with the party.

The next morning, Aaron comes down into the kitchen to see Robert in the middle of a making a huge breakfast, complete with the last slice of cake in the middle of the table. “Bit early for that, innit?” Aaron says as he points at the cake and then waggles his fingers at Seb, who is babbling away in his high chair as Liv feeds him. Robert grins up at Aaron and explains, “this was my idea! We all share the last of the cake the next morning after every one of Seb’s birthdays. It can be something we do just for him.” Aaron can do nothing but stare at Robert as he fights the urge to cry. Robert looks a little worried as he nervously asks, “Is that ridiculous? Maybe it is.” “No, Robert, I think that’s a great idea. You’re meant to live on sugar, right?” They all divided it up, only slightly dry but still as sweet as the night prior and laughed as Seb shoved it into his mouth, clearly thankful at another go to get cake in his hair.

Robert continued this tradition for decades, and Seb always thought it was bit odd that no one else had cake the morning after their birthday.

[peoplediedrobert]

The One With the Mondlerobron Wedding

Soooooo this idea sprang from a discussion I had with an anon about how the Robron wedding is hilarious when placed in context of the Monica Geller/Chandler Bing wedding in Friends. This isn't a "fic"--more like I've chosen some scenes from Friends and made it fit with Robron. I'm working a few scenes from the Mondler wedding and honeymoon but here's a glimpse into it! If you have an idea for a scene, let me know.This is absolutely self indulgent and I'll add a few more scenes this week BEFORE THE ROBRON WEDDING!

Dedicated to my beautiful Mondlerobron anon.

AO3

Chapter 1

I'm Engaged! I'm Engaged!

Aaron opens the front door and sees David waiting with a bottle of champagne. “Hey buddy, I just got a note on my door that said ‘Come to the Mill and bring champagne.’ What’s going on? Aaron gives him a big grin and says with obvious excitement, “Robert and I are engaged!” David pulls Aaron into a hug. “Oh my God, Aaron, that’s great—congratulations, man!”

David walks into the living room, nodding hello to Vic, Bernice, and Pete. He looks around, confused. “Where’s Robert, though?” Aaron rolls his eyes but can’t keep the soft smile off his face. “How did you miss him? He’s outside screaming ‘I’m engaged, I’m engaged’ at the top of his lungs.”

Everyone in the living room laughs. Pete takes David over to the window so he can see Robert with his arms raised, yelling at the sky. “Yeah he’s been out there for twenty minutes, I’m surprised you didn’t hear him on the way over.” “Ohhhh I thought it was just someone screaming “I’m gay, I’m gay” over and over. And, I just thought, ‘well that’s one way to come out I guess.’ Should we bring him in?” Bernice butts in and comes to stand at the window next to David. “Oh no, let’s let him stay out there. It’s sweet.”

They open the window, just in time to hear someone scream back at Robert, “SHUT UP SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP.” Robert stops, considers things for a moment and yells back, “NO I WILL NOT SHUT UP. WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO ME, HUH BUDDY?! YEAH, MY FIANCE WILL KICK YOUR ARSE.” At that, Aaron races outside and pulls Robert back into the Mill. “Ok, yeah, that’s enough. I’d rather not go to prison after this wedding day, thank you very much.”

Once they convince Robert to come back inside, Vic claps her hands together and practically screams, “Ok! Since the wedding party is all here, let’s start planning!” Robert jumps up and races upstairs, yelling over his shoulder, “Great idea, Vic! I have some ideas jotted down.”

Muttering to herself, Vic continues the wedding talk long after Robert has disappeared upstairs. “We’ve got a lot to do! We gotta think about the flowers, the caterers, the music…” At the word “music,” Aaron perks up. “Oh, I’ve got some thoughts on that. I was thinking…” Gently, Vic pats his arm and lets him down easy. “Whoa, Aaron, too many cooks.”

Aaron’s jaw drops involuntarily—is he not half the wedding couple? Robert returns a few seconds later and sets down a huge binder on the kitchen table. “Okay! Let’s get started!” Aaron stares at it, dumbfounded. “What the hell is that, Robert?” Vic runs over to the table like a child at Christmas. “The wedding book! I haven’t seen that in ages.”

Robert strokes the front of the binder with a fondness that could almost be described as seductive. “This baby has got everything. Take y’know, locations for instance.” He opens the binder and flips to the front. He runs his finger down the page and urges Aaron to look at his list. “First, organized alphabetically,” he flips the page, “then geographically,” one more flip, “then by square footage.” He looks self satisfied and a little smug and Aaron is rethinking every part of this engagement.

Trying to get in the spirit of things, Aaron points to the book and asks, “now, do I get to look at this book or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?” Robert gives him a small shove. “Of course you can look at it, Aaron! Yeah, I want your opinion too! Here you go! What do you think about centerpieces? Roses or orchids?” He holds up a photo of each in front of Aaron. Aaron points to the left. “Definitely roses.” Robert and Vic exchange a look and try to smother a shared laugh.

“Well, I just think they’re a little more weddingy…” He trails off as Robert inches the picture of the orchids closer to Aaron’s face. Aaron rolls his eyes for what feels like the hundredth time since he and Robert got engaged earlier that day and gives Robert what he wants by agreeing. “But orchids are the clear choice!” Robert puts down the photos and gives Aaron a quick kiss. “Oh my god, it’s like we’re one mind, Aaron!” Aaron plasters a fake smile on his face as he nods his head vigorously, “Uh huh!”

——

After a long day at work, Robert walks into the Mill and sees Aaron and Vic huddled close together at the kitchen table. As he comes into the kitchen, he cradles his hand, moaning “Owwwwww” until Aaron looks up, eyebrows knitted in concern. “What happened? What did you do?” With a smirk, Robert replies “I don’t know. My hand feels weird. I guess it’s because I’M ENGAGED” and flashes his left hand up to Aaron and Vic. Vic lays her head in her hands and Aaron rolls his eyes. “How long before that gets annoying?” Vic’s muffled “Starts?” is met with a gentle smack on the head by Robert.

“What are you two working on so intently?” Aaron sits a bit straighter and says with pride, “We’re working on the seating chart, trying to narrow down the guest list. Let me show you. Here is where the band is,” Aaron points out to Robert. He moves his finger to the opposite end of the chart explaining, “and this is where the bar is. Vic, this is where you are.”

Vic quickly grabs her pin and moves it to the bar area. “Why don’t we just take me and put me with a Manhattan in my hand, talking to the cute bartender.” She gives a small laugh and looks up at Aaron, where she’s met with a steel blue gaze and her laughter dies instantly. “These pins aren’t for playing are they?” “No, Vic. This isn’t a game.”

Interest piqued, Robert asks, “Why are some pins red and some blue?” “I’m glad you asked, Rob. The red ones are my guests and the blue ones are yours. All the pins have people’s names on them.” He looks so proud of himself, but Robert immediately notices something odd and points at his pins. “This is so sad, I mean only have like ten pins, including Vic and Diane.” “Well, you also have Doug, Jimmy, and Nicola. Relax, it’s not a contest.“ He turns his head to Vic and loudly whispers, “well, it’s certainly not a close one.”

[peoplediedrobert]

I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

A exploration of Aaron and postnatal depression

AO3 

*this fic will not be for everyone. It is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart because I suffered from (and still do really) postnatal depression for 18 months. I thought it would be interesting to work out my feelings through Aaron, as male postnatal depression is NEVER given the attention it deserves. Given his history (just like mine), he is a prime candidate for PPND. I hope you give it shot, and let me know what you think. Keep negative comments to yourself, though!* 

(If someone needs more info about postnatal depression or PPND, shoot me a message!)

It starts small, as these things often do. Seb had been living with Robert and Aaron only a few weeks when Aaron began waking up multiple times throughout the night, more often than not for no reason. Seb would be sound asleep, baby monitor softly crackling beside Robert’s head, but Aaron would strain his ears to make doubly sure Seb was fine. He would roughly wake up in a sweat, heart pounding, body twisted in the duvet, sometimes he even bolted straight up. This went on for weeks.

The lack of sleep became apparent immediately. Aaron’s sullen and sometimes dark attitude worsened with each day he survived on four hours (or less) of sleep. He was easily irritated by everyone, more so than usual. On more than one occasion he would snap at Robert or Liv over something insignificant and had to watch them curl up within themselves, eager to get away from Aaron’s sharp tongue. Aaron hated himself for that, but couldn’t stop it. His mind was on edge. It was like he had no control over his own mind or thoughts. He found himself staying at the scrapyard for even ten extra minutes, just to revel in the silence. The Mill was always loud. Seb was babbling or crying, Liv was listening to music at a ridiculous volume, and Robert was just always there, hovering. Double checking. Trying to soothe what he didn’t understand but only making it worse.

Aaron began skipping breakfast. He just wasn’t hungry, and if he stayed in bed, he had at least half an hour to himself every morning. At first, Robert would try to bring him a tray of food, joking about breakfast in bed for his beautiful husband but Aaron could do nothing but pick at the food, his appetite nonexistent. Robert stopped trying after a few days. Aaron found himself pulling away from Robert. The small touches they gave one another throughout the day--a hand on the small of a back, brushing up next to one another periodically, light squeezes of a hand in passing--became too much. His smile became an even rarer sight than before and he could feel himself becoming smaller and smaller, hunching over.

The moment he knew there was an actual problem was when he found himself getting irritated and angry when he heard Seb cry. It began to feel like Aaron had to physically force himself to pick Seb up and comfort him. It felt like he didn’t want to pick him up but knew he had to. The guilt gnawed at him for weeks--what kind of a bloke gets irritated at a baby? What kind of a bloke begins to resent the idea of caring for an innocent child who just wants love and attention?

Aaron didn’t understand. He was in a good place. He had worked hard to get to this healthy point in his life. The pain of the last year had taught him to open up just a bit more, to reach out rather than bottle it all up within himself. He felt like a failure. Maybe everything he had told Robert, over and over again, about not resenting Seb was a lie that he told himself because he missed Robert so much? There’s no way he could be a good father anyway, given his history, right? That voice in his head, fanning the fire of self doubt, got louder and louder every day. Aaron got the urge to run. To run as far as he could, as fast as he could, away from the stress, the noise, the way Robert and Liv began walking on eggshells around him. He wanted to feel the burn in his legs so maybe the constant and ever present anxiety in his head would go away. This was a problem.

It all comes to a head on a bright and cheery Sunday morning. After finally falling asleep as the sun rose, Aaron is awoken by the sound of Robert, Liv, and Seb at the breakfast table. Aaron sits up in bed, his eyes bleary and his head pounding. The night prior had actually been a good night--he’d gotten nearly five hours of sleep. Aaron heaves himself out of bed, throws on whatever clothes he can find and joins his family, feeling hungry for once. He notices immediately that everyone quiets down when he reaches the bottom of the stairs, all turning to look at Aaron. He gives them all a smile and he can physically feel the tension in the room dissipate (when did that happen? When did everyone look to Aaron to figure out how the day would go?) He sits down at the table, doing his best to insert himself in the conversation. Liv gives him small looks across the table, searching his face for signs of the old Aaron, a grumpy git to everyone else but a big softie when they were in their home. He tries hard to give her what she wants. He smiles and he asks questions and he ruffles Seb’s hair in passing. All of it feels like an act.

Shortly after breakfast, Robert suddenly looks to Liv and softly asks, “Can you take Seb to the pub to see Chas, or over to see Diane? Just for an hour or so.” The look on his face is so earnest, it’s impossible for her to say no. They gather up all the little things he might need and pack it in to the diaper bag. Liv gives Aaron a little hug and pushes the pram out the front door.

“What was that for, Robert? I thought you wanted to spend today as a family?” Robert says nothing. He guides Aaron to the couch and sits him down and takes a seat on the other side. The distance between them has never been greater, and Aaron wants to cry. Robert continues to sit in silence, clearly gathering his thoughts, opening and closing his mouth a few times until the anticipation gets to Aaron and he barks, “Would you please get on with it, Robert?” At that, Robert turns to Aaron and the world falls out from beneath him when Robert asks, “Do you regret this? Me and Seb? Do you want us to leave?”

Shock runs through Aaron and out of his mouth before he can think. “What are you on about, Rob? Where is this coming from?” “Aaron, I know you pretty well, surprisingly, and something isn’t right. And it hasn’t been right since Seb moved in with us. I know it was your idea, but I wouldn’t blame you if this is too much. We can always say we gave it a go again and it didn’t work.” Robert looks impossibly sad, and Aaron’s heart swells at the thought that Robert could put himself through this just so Aaron would be happy.

Aaron lurches forward and pulls Robert into a bone crushing hug. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t know what’s wrong, but it isn’t you, and it isn’t Seb.” He releases Robert and then taps the side of his own head as he says, “It’s something up here. I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe I’m not cut out for this but I don’t want you to go.” Robert looks deep in Aaron’s eyes, and immediately Aaron knows what the next question will be as he gestures at Aaron’s stomach.

“You haven’t…”

“No, Robert. I haven’t. But something is wrong and I don’t know what.”

“Well then we figure it out, together. I love you, Aaron and I want you to let me help.”

Aaron drags his hand across his face, wiping up the tears he didn’t even know he’d been shedding and takes a deep, ragged breath as he admits, “I think I need to see someone. At the very least I need to figure out what’s happening in my head.” He leans his head back against the couch, just enjoying the feeling of Robert rubbing his arm over and over. The exhaustion of the past few weeks settled over Aaron and he physically sags against its weight.

Aaron makes an appointment with his GP and has to force himself to go the morning of. As he arrives, his nerves are jumping. His foot jingles nervously against the floor until it is his turn to go back into the office. She welcomes him and gestures for him to sit down. “What brings you here today?”

Aaron doesn’t even know where to begin. How do you explain to a fellow adult that well, you aren’t sleeping well and you aren’t that hungry and you’re irritable? He would sound like he’s describing every teenager ever. “I don’t know. My partner and I took in his little boy to live with us full time. It was great in the beginning. We went through a rough patch last year but we got back together and everything was fine. Then…” Aaron stops, embarrassed at what he’s about to say.

“Aaron, I will help in every way that I can. But I need to know what’s happening.”

Another deep breath and he lets it all out. His struggles in the past, his sleeplessness now, how irritated he is at everything and everyone, most importantly how he has started to feel towards Seb. He recounts every moment of anxiety, every time he felt like clawing his own skin, every time he just wanted to run and never look back. Here he was in front of what was essentially a stranger, tears in a constant river down his face, laying himself bare. When he’s done, he just looks up to the doctor and is met with an immensely sympathetic face.

“I think the answer is rather more simple than you think, Aaron. From everything you’ve told me I think you’re suffering from postnatal depression, specifically paternal postnatal depression. Although it manifests itself in hundreds of ways, your sleeplessness, irritability and the inability to connect with Seb all point to that diagnosis.”

Aaron’s breathing slows and he looks at the doctor, confusion written all over his face. Without meaning to, and without understanding why, he begins to argue, “Isn’t that something only women get? He’s not biologically mine—why is this affecting me and not my partner?”

“Postnatal depression isn’t always about biology, Aaron. Yes, oftentimes when women suffer from it, it’s because of the hormonal changes in her body but it’s more than that. You’ve had your entire life interrupted by a very loud and very needy little human. Even if it was something you had prepared for, you don’t know how your brain will react when the baby actually gets here. More than that, It is common for someone with a history of depression to be affected—man or woman. You’ve done nothing wrong and this doesn’t mean you don’t love Seb or don’t want to care for him. That’s not how this works.”

Aaron lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He felt the weight lift from his shoulders and he sat up a bit straighter.

“There’s multiple ways we can treat this. Weekly counseling is your best bet, and there’s always medications we can try. If it helps, oftentimes postnatal depression lifts after the first year. There’s no reason to assume this is permanent. And you have nothing to apologize for. Now that you recognize the problem, you can begin to fix it.”

And that does it. Aaron’s face turns hot and the tears start falling all over again. That was his biggest fear—that this anxious, guilty, terrible feeling would be with him forever. That his brain could never just let him be.

The doctor hands him tissues and silently squeezes his hands. “We will solve this. Let’s make you some appointments. A more immediate ‘fix,’ if we could call it that, is that you have to get more sleep. Studies have shown that lack of sleep is the biggest trigger for postnatal depression. Make yourself a priority and this will pass.”

The drive home is mercifully long enough that Aaron can gather his thoughts. He can finally admit to himself how scared he had been of himself the last few weeks. He doesn’t even try to stop the tears making tracks down his face. It feels good to feel something other than anger and irritation.

When he arrives home, he sees Robert sitting on the couch, reading a book. He looks up when Aaron walks in through the front door and gives Aaron a small, cautious smile. “How did it go?” he asks. Aaron drops himself down next to Robert, thighs touching--he needs to feel connected to Robert again. He didn’t realize how far apart they had grown but now he feels it like a physical ache. He picks up Robert’s hands and intertwines their fingers.

“Turns out, and you may not believe this, but I’m normal.” Robert snorts and turns his head towards Aaron with a smile, “I don’t think either of us fit that description, but go on.” “The doc thinks I have paternal postnatal depression. So me being a mardy arse for these last few weeks is actually textbook.” Robert’s eyes go incredibly soft and he gives Aaron’s hand a squeeze as he continues. “I need to go to counseling once a week and possibly medication if it comes to that. Apparently with my history, this isn’t unheard of. So, now I know what the problem is. Also it’s been doctor approved that I need to get more sleep. So, I get all the lie-ins I want.” At that, Robert bursts out laughing and Aaron joins in. “Oh I see, you just wanted an excuse to be lazy,” Robert says teasingly. He gives Aaron a soft kiss, cradling his face in his hands. “We’ll get through this, Aaron. Together.”

Aaron continued to have bad days. He slept more, he took time for himself, he stopped taking the weight of the world on his shoulders, but he still had bad days. Days where everyone irritated him and he wanted to run, but instead of turning inward, he made an appointment or he talked to Robert, or he played in the garden with Seb or he played endless amounts of video games with Liv. Slowly and surely, the fog lifted and Aaron smiled more. He laughed more and felt like a normal human again. And the next time they bring a baby home, Aaron feels immensely more prepared.

[peoplediedrobert]

Better to Laugh

aO3

*The is a very silly series based on my experiences when my twins were small babies (or, how me and my husband almost divorced over an empty Baby Brezza)*

Seb’s cry over the baby monitor is loud enough to wake the dead. Both Aaron and Robert wake with a start and turn towards each other.

“It’s your turn.”

“It’s really not.”

“Robert, I got up last time. It’s your turn.”

“It absolutely is not. I got up at 2 and fed him.”

With an exasperated huff, Aaron heaves himself out of bed while blindly looking for his clothes he’d thrown on his side of the bed (to Robert’s horror of course). Seb’s cries are getting louder—he’s clearly angry and is demanding one of his dads get out of bed rightthisinstant. Robert peeks over the blanket and bursts out laughing when he sees that Aaron has put his clothes on backwards. The look Aaron flashes him quiets the laughter instantly. Aaron stumbles into Seb’s room, picks him up and tries to comfort him. Seb’s having exactly none of it. Aaron whispers to him, “I assume you’re hungry, then. Although there’s no need to wake everyone in the village, mate. I’m right here.”

Aaron heads into the kitchen and presses the button on the Baby Brezza only to find that there’s no water in the compartment to mix with Seb’s formula. He closes his eyes and feels frustration and anger flow through him. The agreement (that Robert came up with of course) is that whoever makes a bottle last must check the water levels so someone isn’t stuck juggling a crying and hungry baby while trying to make a bottle at 4 in the morning. Feeling every bit as petulant as a child, Aaron refills the water and quickly makes the bottle. He feeds Seb, getting irrationally angrier and angrier at Robert with every passing moment. Aaron’s temper is certainly no secret, but it feels like since Seb came to live at the Mill full-time, Aaron’s patience has run even more thin. He and Robert snipe at each other more often now, something that feels wrong considering they just found their way back to one another. Aaron tiredly scrubs his face, laying his head back on the sofa but doesn’t allow himself to close his eyes, knowing if he does he’ll be asleep in an instant.

After Seb finishes his bottle and gives a satisfied burp on Aaron’s shoulder, Aaron rocks him quietly for a moment, satisfied that Seb’s back to sleep. Aaron lays him down softly in his crib, backing slowly out of the room, with a pleasegoddontwakeup mantra running through his head. He then heads straight into his and Robert’s bedroom and turns the light on. Robert bolts up immediately, blonde hair sticking in every direction. “What, Aaron?! I just got back to sleep!” “There was no water in the machine so I could make a bottle! You were the last one up with him!” Aaron can clearly see Robert has no clue what’s happening or why he’s been yelled at this early in the morning. He blinks rapidly and Aaron can see the pieces of the puzzle falling into place. “Oh shit Aaron, I’m sorry. I was half asleep.” “That’s no excuse! It was your damn idea anyway!” Aaron knows he’s being dramatic but all of the stress and the exhaustion is just seeping out of him and there’s no stopping it. The fucking dam has broken and there’s no going back. “And you left the old bottle in the sink without cleaning it out. That’s disgusting!”

“Oh so you’re going to have a go at me? Have you SEEN the state of our bathroom? That’s down to you! Every time you trim your beard, there’s hair everywhere and I swear to god you do it on purpose. How is that even possible, Aaron?” Robert’s standing beside the bed now, frantically waving his hands in the air, feeding off of Aaron’s frustration. Aaron’s at a loss to how they got from arguing about baby formula to his facial hair.

He gapes at Robert, ready to really let it all out. Before he can however, Robert’s shoulders start to shake with laughter. It’s the kind of hysterical laughter that only new parents understand. It’s the only solution available when all you want to do is cry and rock in a corner. Aaron soon joins in, tears streaming down his face.

“How did we become like this?” Robert asks through his laughter. “This is the most ridiculous argument we’ve ever had, and that’s saying something.” Aaron quiets down and sheepishly apologizes. “I’m sorry I woke you. I’m just tired and I know it’s not Seb’s fault but I feel so on edge all the time.” Robert puts his arms around Aaron, nodding slowly. “I think it’s normal. Seb’s young, and I think it’ll get easier when he sleeps through the night. We just have to get through it.” Aaron thinks about it for a moment and agrees, “You’re right, but I swear if you don’t put water in that damn thing next time, you’re sleeping on the sofa.”