#n idk i guess it wasnt that personal when my dad told the family earlier this week until i now have to take my posters down

[yumenosakiacademy]

effing diary entry. @ nana: please choke on ur dinner thnx. (This is for me n future!me only. step off n don't read thnx.)

i was going into the kitchen to get a snack bc god im hungry n i checked a bit earlier to see what we had but this time for real i wanted smth cuz i was rly Rly hungry so i went n looked at the cabinet-closet thingy n nana was on her bullshit again like ‘you need to eat real stuff [not junk] n ur eating stupidly” n im like yea yea im used to this w/e so i told her that i dont care cuz i rly dont tbh. it’s my lifestyle, n i dont eat too fattingly, i just dont eat regular stuff. so she needs to mind her business. 

but she was all “you don’t care about anything, do you?” n i was like “i do, just not stuff that you care about” n she was like “yea, cartoons, but that’s the only thing that makes you happy” or w/e n i was like “...well yea, it makes me happy. so who cares. im just liking what i like.” n she was like “it’s the ONLY thing tho, n nothing else makes you happy” n i was like “again, some things do but w/e”

n from there she was like “you dont even like people.” n again i was like “i do. like i like my classmates, sometimes. i like nate-” n she was like “ur so rude to the ppl that come over” n i was like “...first off, im cold to them, not rude. i dont tell em to leave or insult them, i just stay quiet n prefer not to talk to them. i dont have to love everyone who comes into this house or talk to them.” n she was like “well ur rude to Me” n i was like oh here we go again. so i was like “yea, n i dont care abt that” n she was like “excuse me??” n i was like “i dont like you that much as a person so im not kind to you. i dont have to love everyone i live with, either.” n she started goin on n she was like “you cant even give me a reason” or smth n i was like “i just dont like ur personality. n i have other reasons.” n she was like “other reasons?? i took care of you since you were a kid, and yet/you shoulnt have [...]” n i was like “well, i find you annoying, and i hold grudges so. also you didnt hav to take care of me (bc shes not my parent)” n she was like “i did bc i love[d] you” n i was like “that sounds like a you problem, then.” n she was like “i guess it is.” so i was like “it’s like a friend and you were best friends but ya fell out, but theyre all like ‘yea but i was ur best friend when no one else was sssooo...’ like. that’s not how it is.” then she was like “you havent even given me a reason” or smth (mayb she said this earlier? cant remember. fuzzy memory) n i was like “i did. i dont like ur personality. i find you annoying n i hold grudges, altho i wont tell you abt em” (bc i dont like talking abt how things make me feel/i kno she would deny everything anyway or think shes not ever in the wrong) n she was like “im not annoying” blah so i was like “not to you, but to me” (idk when this was placed but at some point i said “it’s like theres an annoying girl in ur class. if shes annoying, thats a reason to not like her. you just find her annoying, so thats how itis” but i think that was a bit earlier in the convo) n she was like “and grudges. what grudges, even? you cant even tell me” (she might have said the “loved hyou” thing ehre, but it’s all jumbled rn sry) n i was like “i do have them, over small stuff n some not, but i dont want to talk abt them.” n i think she denied that there even was any n i was like “there are, again, i just dont wanna talk abt them tho. i dont feel comfy.” n she was like “tch, i know what it is. you dont like that i told you one time that you were like ur mom n were gonna grow up like her” (her tone implying that she prob doesnt even feel sry abt that, when she said that during a time in my life when i was still v strained w my mom bc she was shitty n yelled at me/insulted me all the time so it Actually hurt me badly to hear that, esp bc i had internally hated that i was like my mom since middle school) n i was like “well, that’s one of them, but there’s other stuff too. but again, dont wanna tell.”

n she was like “it’s cause youre scared. you’re scared to tell me abt ur feelings n ‘oh i feel this’ n stuff. like Me. I'm not afraid to tell you that you're rude, that you're obnoxious. you cant even tell me the grudges. what are they then? you’re a coward, roxy.” n she just kept repeating that while i kept saying that i wasnt, i just didnt want to talk to her abt it bc its personal n i dont like talking abt my feelings w her (or the rest of my family, even) n after a while she was like “no, just go, coward. youre just scared, go” or smth to that degree anytime id try to speak bc she was leaving the kitchen to go to her bedroom to eat her food (that she was preparing as we talked) n bc i had already grabbed my snack n i wanted to tell her off so BADLY that no, i dislike her for actual THINGS i just dont wanna tell her bc mayb theyre not big to others, but to me, i dont like some of the stuff shes done; n i find her condescending (this only proving my point) n i find her annoying but she!! ugh!!! n i wanted to tell hr to eff off, that i hav my reasons, you FUCK but! 

n i am not a coward. i dont have to like her, even without most of my reasons why, n she just doesnt like that her granddaughter doesnt like her n prob thinks she couldnt have done anything wrong EVER just bc she took care of me when i was kid (more than my dad, prob, n we used to have fun together) n that bc she loves me, how can i poooossibly dislike her just bc she did stuff for e? bc she used to b kind to me, who was an actual kid?? :’(( oh boo hooo :’(((( like! go Die!

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind