#nashville wins for giving them these what a cool thing to have

[wrestlezon]

aew dynamite 2/8/23 liveblog containment zone

wrestling!!

ooo starting it off with mjf new jacket. put that on the list of mjf outfits oh hes fighting takeshita right, its all coming back to me omg he got black and pink briefs too

[ mjf vs takeshita ]

takeshita dont fall for the handshake!! HE FELL FOR IT NOOO its cool seeing a rare MJF Match™ hes doing all the bits. ref shield im anti-spraytan. come on dude just dont have it wow the crowd is loud. what are they saying? lets go nashville nashville sucks??? BITING... unhinged takeshita is cool. im a little mad i got the uh. wrong ddt tickets for march though -_- ok i lied im pretty mad. im obsessed with how mad i am. im not going to get over it forever what a good bit that lead into the deadlift german suplex. takeshita is soooooo strong mjf so smug. your hubris!! ok im gonna need to see that midair corner flip thing again. what the. how did he end up on his feet so smoothly and nonchalantly hes doing a lot of this "psyche!!! IM FINE ACTUALLY!!!!!" stuff. its fun i like it. ARMBAR!!!!!!! BITING i think mjf is a good wrestler. i like to see him wrestle, which is rarely, because he rarely wrestles. takeshita bare knee attack. rolled ref shield part TWO his knee attack is silly looking im sorry aha! knee damage revenge!!! unless hes doing some sort of pretending-to-sell thing like how hes been doing this whole time ok takeshitas powerbomb thing ruled senton!! i am so scared every time i see one ok thrusting armbar? real mad he lost to garcia in the tumblr babygirl tournament huh

lmfao the catcall from the crowd when he put away his ring oh! its danielson omg takeshita bladed from the ring??? hes all blooded now LMAO NOO THE CAMERA CAUGHT THE BLADEPASS...

[ samoa joe video promo ]

samoa joe is just like "im gonna beat you up wardlow" joe i have to say thank you for giving wardlow a haircut

[ the bunny vs jamie hayter ]

the bunny!! she had a big match a while ago she had to cancel due to illness or injury, right? itll be cool to see this match hayter's hair buns look cool. theyre like lil animal ears. nekomimi ringrope leg choke :)c what is britt baker doing with this gatorade sign. advertisement? LMAO "how did u like that jamie" taking turns doing apron combat ohhhhhh thats a hayterade sign i get it now oof the bunny had hayter land right on her face huh that ended fast... <:( i hope shes good

[ backstage with saraya and toni storm ]

dang saraya pulling out the babygirl nice ok thats like 4 babygirls in short succession. cmon dont wear it out ladies youre gonna need to learn how to spraypaint Ls if youre gonna make this your thing. distance and speed im just being a hater u_u they will have to win me over from square one

[ backstage with mjf ]

hey nice its an mjf interview lmao ok the blood on the armwraps buddy? sick and twisted mjf hes damp. hes talking about picking up girls in his car but im kinda distracted by how he kinda looks like wolverine with his hair and beard where is this going mjf oh i see. he is telling a story about how he is a real scumbag badguy, criminal style im sorry hold on im not doing my part as an audience member and believing his fake story. give me a second to internalize it

[ ricky starks vs the JAS gauntlet ]

oh he has to fight all of them in succession? that would explain why this angelo parker match was short i dont know if they explained it on commentary i was still trying to suspend my disbelief enough to be angered at mjf's story about being evil and unforgivable matt menard got mopped up i love garcia :) i dont love sammy guevara but hes making garcia suffer and i can appreciate that part nooo i love rickys spear dont counter it with a headlock. garciaaaaaaa whoa stood up into big powerbomb. ricky is so strong i will say this every time someone slowly lifts another person up. sorry wait what the hell??? why do they have to do this to ricky. god

[ backstage with the acclaimed ]

bowens a little somber here

[ backstage with danielson and takeshita ]

uh oh. they locked him in is danielson gonna walk out with door fragments because thatd be cool his. tracksuit we've reached critical babygirl calls tonight. no more babygirl. dont ruin babygirl for me oh he just shouldered down the door regular style. thats fine too aubrey you could count slower. whats mjf gonna do? enroll in referee school and come back in time to count him out??? danielson appeared that was a really loud chair dropkick oh no hes blee-- DONT LICK THAT AUGH THANK YOU AUBREY blood on da camera lens its hard to pay attention to this match between the action and also the active commentary i can only ever pay attention to one at a time omg that tumble off the apron rush stop taking a shower during your matches lmfao mjf and taz are just chit chatting right now mjf is in casual chat mode its funny. hes not doing his mjf voice as much danielson looks sooooo red and pink right now. wild. good color what a match

oh mjf is so mad hes fighting off all the security!! good. nice

[ backstage with the uh. impractical jokers ]

i hate the impractical jokers btw. i cant handle that much secondhand embarrassment. so i am not enjoying this crossover i am enjoying the distant match happening in the background i didnt have time to get lunch before dynamite and my friend had connection issues during so we're just barely behind enough to skipping through the commercial breaks. im so hungry

[ ar fox + top flight vs the elite ]

wait is this the main event. this is going to be a hella long match dante with the verticality the three flipmasters are here and theyre fighting against the young bucks, also flipmasters. i dont think kenny is a flipmaster? but he sure can wrestle ive been informed that the acclaimed match also exists. im sorry acclaimed i forgot. to be fair im just afraid of them losing the belts lmao ar fox following through to senton on nick(?) back to back jumping outta the ring attacks those kinds of corner backflipping slams, i never know who is the one taking the brunt of the damage there HOW does dante just gain altitude while being horizontal matt jackson with the triple pin god lmao YES top flight teamwork moves :)c and then the elite win. well it wasnt gonna turn out any other way

[ hook video promo ]

this is an extremely quiet video oh its just a "hook is a cool guy" video

[ stokely backstage ]

hes mad at hook!? LMAO HOOK ok i get it. i like this

[ main event time! acclaimed vs gunn club ]

wow we caught up to live yo listen the gunns are in so much glitter right now lmao excalibur criticizing himself during pip... schiavone is right youll get another chance to pronounce picture in picture king i am zoned into this match. or zoned out of it. no reports man bowens really getting into it time for everyone to just lie down for a bit OH NO!!!!!!! THE REF GASP!!!!!!!!! BILLY GUNN OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no way billy goes back to them. they hit him with a belt yeah!!! kill them acclaimed!!!!!! slow count ref debuff NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?????????????????????????????????????????????????

billy gunn holding bowens' hand............

[taylizmasterpost]

Julianne Hough Is (maybe) a Thing (October 2009 - January 2010)

So Taylor and Julianne had interacted before this point. Taylor and Kellie and Julianne had hosted something together earlier, and Julianne was on Dance Wars back when Liz was, but Julianne’s presence in Taylor’s life ramps up a TON for this very brief period of time. Julianne was 21 and Taylor was 18 (slightly larger age gap than TayLiz).

The important thing about JH’s presence in Taylor’s life for this period of time, however, is that Julianne is out as “not straight,” and is the only woman possibly romantically connected to Taylor to have come out like this -- unless you could Dianna with #Shirtgate and/or think Cara Delevingne and Taylor have hooked up at some point. So, let’s keep this in mind moving forward. However, JH is also incredibly racist and even did blackface at one point, so we do not stan and are not shipping this.

24 October 2009 - Taylor and JH paint each other for Katy Perry’s birthday party. Taylor maybe gives JH a blue boob grab and JH paints her initials onto Taylor’s dress. This is the evidence most people point to as to something happening with them during the “Lost Years.” Is it a smoking gun? No, but it’s definitely interesting.

I’m divided into two camps of belief on Taylor’s relationship with JH: either they were hooking up, or JH was just a big gay mentor/friend figure for Taylor. I’ve put the evidence of their interactions below, so you can try to figure it out with me:

25 October 2009 - JH and Taylor tweet at each other a bunch about the party. 

Taylor Squared also attend a hockey game together.

27 October 2009 - Taylor and Selena have dinner. JH crashes. She tweets at Taylor then invites her to the “MJ premiere.” Taylor tweets about being chased by the paps, presumably because she was hanging out publicly with Selena and JH.

That night, Liz and Taylor perform together on Dancing With the Stars:

28 October 2009 - Taylor Squared go shopping and have a dinner date. They also take these obviously staged car photos.

(The lens has to have been on the hood of the car or something. There’s no way they didn’t notice the camera).

29 October 2009 - Taylor films the Roomies Sketch for SNL. If you haven’t go seen it yet, go WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. It is the start of all of the Gaylor Swift rumors (which we’ll get to later). 

Considering how Taylor reacted when Liz got sick, and the fact that a lot of SNL sketches are based on jokes about the guest’s life/work, etc., I’m thinking this sketch was possibly about tour roommates TayLiz. But if that doesn’t sell you on it, maybe this gif comparison will:

1 November 2009 -  Taylor and Liz go to Paramore concert in Nashville. They dance together to the songs “Misery Business” and “That’s What You Get.” Very girlfriend-y.

7 November 2009 - Taylor hosts Saturday Night Live and the Roomies Sketch airs. 

Immediately after the Roomies Sketch airs, people flood After Ellen (a lesbian forum site -- think the L Chat but earlier) with gossip about Taylor being gay. Unfortunately, the original screenshot does not exist, but here’s someone on the L Chat talking about what happened that night:

Now while, once again, I hope all that stuff with Emily didn’t actually happen, for Taylor’s sake, it is really intriguing that the possibly-TayLiz-based Roomies sketch is the start of all of Taylor’s gay rumors.

11 November 2009 - CMT Awards. Taylor performs and wins an award. JH congratulates her on it with a tweet.

The secret message for Story of Us is “CMT Awards.” At the CMT awards in 2009, Taylor was separated from the band, so if TayLiz was having a hard time, (possibly due to JH jealousy, maybe because they hadn’t seen each other that much since tour ended) this would fit the line “standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking.” Liz had retweeted Taylor about SNL earlier this week, though, so they may have been on good terms and this is not the CMT Awards that the linter note refers to. Or the liner notes are all lies. Who knows?

“Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking”????

12 November 2009 - JH and Taylor have a movie night together.

16 November 2009 - Taylor leaves for the Fearless tour in London. JH tweets at her to “have fun.”

18 November 2009 - TayLiz are papped in London returning to their hotel at midnight. (The London paps LOVE Taylor around this period of time, so a lot of the best TayLiz photos come from when they’re in London).

20 November 2009 - Liz tweets that she loves London. Taylor and Co are specifically in London for the Fearless tour, and TayLiz seem to be most “on” when they’re touring together. Perhaps that’s why she’s so excited to be in London...

21 November 2009 - Taylor and Liz go shopping and get lunch with Caitlin and Andrea at Portobello Market.

23-24 November 2009 - Fearless in London. The tour goes on break for the holidays after this.

December 2009 - Taylor and Taylor “break up”. 

9 December 2009 Taylor goes on an ice cream date with Emma Stone in New York after connecting over email (note that this is the same story she tells about who she wrote Enchanted about -- connecting over e-mail and then meeting in person in NYC). So as much as I’d like to give Enchanted to Liz, it fits better with Emma.

What this implies to me is that whatever was going on with JH wasn’t that serious, if Enchanted is indeed about Emma and Taylor went and got ice cream because she was trying to pursue something with her. Or nothing was going on at all and JH was just some big gay mentor. Or even just a friend.

10 December 2009 - Taylor tweets about liking the song I Know About You by Dashboard Confessional that has a bunch of lyrical parallels to cardigan. Here’s a few choice ones:

It’s a shame, I know 

But it all shakes out real slow 

When the forays of your weekend 

Hang like smoke on your clothes 

11 December 2009 - TayLiz and Caitlin go shopping together in NYC

13 December 2009 - Taylor’s 20th Birthday. Her backup dancer, Brandon, comes out at her party (something that’s interesting because he notes that it was while touring with her that he’d found a queer community):

The first time Stansell came out publicly was at Taylor Swift’s birthday party 10 years ago. “I was dancing on Taylor Swift’s Fearless tour,” says Stansell, 33. He was also juggling his studies as a senior at the conservative Belmont College in Nashville. He wasn’t out there, and he wasn’t out to his conservative parents. But he had found a support system for the first time. “I had queer friends in my life,” he says. “And I had a boyfriend.”

To me, this suggests that there were multiple queer people on tour at the time, and Taylor and Liz may have been two of them. However, it’s also possible that he had just found a queer community within Nashville, but the fact that the quote goes straight from “I was touring with Taylor” to “I had queer friends” implies to me some sort of connection between the two.

Liz tweets Happy Birthday at Taylor:

24 December 2009 - Taylor and JH are caught by a fan shopping together at Walmart:

31 December 2009 -  Taylor spends NYE going to the spa with Julianne, going to dinner with Hayley Williams and then goes to her brother’s NYE party.

2 January 2010 - Liz tweets the lyrics to John Mayer’s Heartbreak Warfare

Maybe Liz just likes the song. But I think it’s interesting considering Taylor seems to be out and about with another woman after a whole summer of them being Roomies. I also think it’s intriguing that one of Liz’s favorite nicknames for Taylor is “Tay,” which just happens to be the secret message of Back to December... Did something go wrong between TayLiz at the end of December? Or is the song really for Taylor Lautner, despite the obvious stuntiness of that relationship?

6 January 2010 - Liz congratulates Taylor on something and says she “missed our family,” implying they haven’t seen each other since touring in London together.

9 January 2010 - TayLiz attend a housewarming party together.

19 January 2010 - TayLiz and Caitlin hang out.

23 January 2010 - TayLiz and Caitlin get on a plane to get back on tour.

25 January 2010 - Taylor films something with The Agency and there are a lot of laughs.

27 January 2010 - Taylor and JH attend the same cancer charity event together,

This is the last time we see Taylor and JH together for a long while, and judging by the way Taylor seems to be deliberately avoiding touching JH’s bare back in that last hug, if they had anything, it’s over by this point. Taylor is single and ready to mingle mope about it for a few months.

CONCLUSION: So, did Taylor and JH happen? Maybe. Maybe not. On one hand, I want to believe it did, since, as stated previously, JH is the only out queer woman that Taylor has rumors with. 

The SNL Roomies sketch certainly reads to me as being about TayLiz being roomies on tour, and so the fact that all of Taylor’s gay rumors started here certainly makes a case for TayLiz having been doing something during the first half of the Fearless tour. However, they seem to have drifted apart a bit during the winter. Could this be due to JH? Or something else entirely? Could JH have just been a gay mentor? Who knows for sure. However, something must’ve caused TayLiz to cool down because what’s next is:

Single Taylor and The Gay Australia Trip (February 2010)

[justinsentertainmentcorner]

Sam Lansky at Time Magazine: 

People keep asking T.J. Osborne how he’s feeling, which makes sense, given the thing he’s about to do, but it’s making him uneasy, hearing that well-intentioned question over and over again from so many people—his friends, his family, his team, and even me, over the course of the days that have led up to this one. Now, at a masked-up photo shoot in east Nashville, he insists that he’s feeling good as he slips on a jacket. “I’m ready to put this behind me,” he says.

T.J. is tall and friendly, with a twangy, sonorous voice that often crests into deep, warm laughter. He’s the lead vocalist of Brothers Osborne, the duo he formed with his brother John, a guitarist, in 2012; together they make roots-inflected, soulful country-rock that sounds just as good on the radio as it would filling an arena. Since signing to EMI Records Nashville, they’ve released seven country Top 40 singles and three studio albums, including their swoony, rollicking platinum hit “Stay a Little Longer,” which crossed over to mainstream radio. (Have you ever fallen in love in late summer, gazing out at an orange-and-purple sunset from the bed of a pickup truck? Well, me neither, but this song will make you feel like you have!) The duo has won four CMA Awards, been nominated for seven Grammys, and collaborated with heavy-hitting country contemporaries such as Dierks Bentley and Maren Morris. There’s nothing surprising about the duo’s popularity: Both T.J. and John are engaging performers with a knack for anthemic hooks.

What may come as a surprise to the band’s fans is the news that T.J., 36, is gay. This isn’t a recent revelation for him; he’s known since he was young, and he’s been out to family and friends in his tight-knit Nashville community for years. In some respects, he says, coming out publicly is no big deal. “I’m very comfortable being gay,” he says later, in a quiet room at the office of his management company. “I find myself being guarded for not wanting to talk about something that I personally don’t have a problem with. That feels so strange.”

But his reservations are understandable, given that country music remains a bastion of mainstream conservatism in American arts and culture. If liberal Hollywood is notorious for pushing a progressive agenda, country has historically been its counterpoint—a safe haven for traditional “family values.” Never mind that many country artists, like Nashville as a city, lean blue: They know that their primary market, like the state of Tennessee itself, skews red. The country music business is lucrative, generating $5.5 billion to Nashville’s economy alone, according to RIAA; if artists speak out, they run the risk of alienating listeners, particularly in an era when even anodyne statements of support for a cause can be misconstrued. The tale of the Chicks, formerly the Dixie Chicks, who were exiled after criticizing the Iraq War, looms large over country music. Taylor Swift even cited the band’s ouster as a reason she remained publicly apolitical for so long: “You’re always one comment away from being done,” she told Variety in a 2020 interview.

With this news, T.J. becomes the only openly gay artist signed to a major country label—a historic moment for the genre. He’s had predecessors, of course: Other openly queer artists, from Grammy-winning singer-songwriter Brandi Carlile to masked cowboy Orville Peck to viral hitmaker Lil Nas X, have found success by integrating country influences into their genre-defying music, and country artists including Chely Wright and Billy Gilman have passionate fanbases. But T.J. may be the first to come out with his feet so firmly planted in both the sound and machinery of mainstream country, in the full bloom of his career.

He is worried that coming out will look opportunistic, or attention-seeking. “People will ask, ‘Why does this even need to be talked about?’ and personally, I agree with that,” he says. “But for me to show up at an awards show with a man would be jaw-dropping to people. It wouldn’t be like, ‘Oh, cool!”

What happens next remains to be seen. “I don’t think I’m going to get run off the stage in Chicago,” he says. “But in a rural town playing a county fair? I’m curious how this will go.” The professional risks he’s taking in coming out feel worth it, both for his own happiness and because, well, it’s time. Country music is about storytelling, and that means T.J.’s identity is inextricable from his music. Maybe, T.J. says, country isn’t the most popular genre among gay people. “But is that just because they’ve never had the opportunity to relate to it?”

***

T.J. is short for Thomas John, the inverse of his older brother and bandmate, whose name is John Thomas, named after their father, whose name is also John Thomas, though people call him “Big John.” Growing up in Deale, Md., a blue-collar town on the Chesapeake Bay, T.J. and his siblings—including sister Natalie, who now works for a publisher in Nashville—were always musical, performing alongside Big John’s blues band in local shows. But being closeted was painful. “It was so lonely and isolating,” T.J. says. “It made me resent people.” A first heartbreak in his early twenties crushed him all the more because he felt like he couldn’t tell anyone. “I was mad that no one knew why I was hurting,” he says. He channeled that anguish into his music. One song he wrote about that relationship, called “21 Summer,” has become a fan favorite, and you can see why: It’s a big, nostalgic singalong with lyrics about cutoff jeans and hair blowing in the breeze. It’s still tender for him—not just heartbreak, but how alone he was going through it. “There are so many times I’ve sung that song and wanted to cry,” he says. “People love that song, but the emotion of it is deeper than they even realize.”

[...]

Will conservative radio programmers or rural concertgoers be as eager to play and tailgate a gay artist, even one they already know and love? Both brothers want to believe the answer is yes. “Maybe I’m not giving my fans enough credit,” T.J. says. “Maybe I’m not giving the genre enough credit.” His reasons for doing this now, he says, have nothing to do with wanting to be loved or hated. “I just want to move on,” he says again, and it’s here that I break.

So I ask T.J. a question, which is: What if there is nothing to move on from? What if being gay is a gift, and your gayness is not something to be tolerated but something to be celebrated, and even if untangling the shame and confusion of growing up gay in a straight world takes a long time, it’s worth doing so you can use your voice, not only to sing songs about cutoff jeans and hair blowing in the breeze but to say, clearly and unapologetically, that this is who you are? What if there are a lot of gay boys in small towns who haven’t figured it out yet and feel overwhelmed by snarky TV sidekicks and glittery pop stars bellowing self-empowerment anthems, and what if those gay boys in small towns got to have an avatar of their own—if they knew that someone like them was singing that song about cutoff jeans and hair blowing in the breeze on the radio? Isn’t that why we spend so much time talking about representation, because as much as it’s a burden, it’s also the only antidote to the loneliness of being different? And—not to tell him how to feel, which is, of course, exactly what I’m doing—but isn’t this occasion, of owning who he is in a place where some people might prefer he didn’t exist, something to embrace instead of something to endure?

“Don’t get me wrong,” T.J. says. “When I say I want to put it behind me, I want to put the coming out behind me. Because ultimately it’s a very small detail about me.”

But what if being gay is not a small detail? I ask. What if it’s the most important thing about you? Which is not to say that it should be, or that it is, but just that—what if?

T.J. Osborne of country group Brothers Osborne came out as gay. 

[katehuntington]

Title: Black Dog - part three Word count: ±2700 words Episode summary: When Sam gets an anonymous phone call with information about his father, Dean receives a text message with coordinates to different location. The brothers clash and split up, one following orders, the other   trusting his instincts. Meanwhile, in the wilderness of Cascade Range, Washington State, Zoë loses grip on a personal case and is forced to confront her demons. Without back up, this might very well turn out to be her final hunt. Part three summary: Two leads point into different directions. Which one are the Winchester brothers going to follow? Episode warnings: Dark! NSFW, 18+ only! Angst, gore, violence, character death. Description of blood, injury and  medical procedures. Supernatural creatures/entities, mentions of demon possession. Swearing, smoking, weaponry. Descriptions of  torture and murder. Illegal/criminal practices. Mentions of nightmares and flashbacks. Descriptions of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, depression, panic attacks, hallucinations. Author’s note: Beta’d by @winchest09​​​ & @deanwanddamons​​​​. Thanks, girls!

Supernatural: The Sullivan Series Masterlist

S1E03 “Black Dog” Masterlist

     Dean gives his Chevrolet Impala a final clean up and looks at the end result.      Ronny nods satisfied, too. “Good as new.”      They mechanics carefully beat out the small dent in the lid and restored the paint with a polisher. The lock of the trunk took some time to replace, but now it closes perfectly. 

     “Thanks, man,” Dean says gratefully, offering him some money for the work.      “Any time. Put that away. I owe you Winchesters more than that,” Ronny reminds him. “Sure you guys don’t want a beer?”      Dean hesitates, but then shakes his head. “I’d love to catch up, but we should get going. The world isn’t rid of all evil motherfuckers just yet.”      Ronny chuckles at that. “Fair enough. Good to see you again, though.”      “You too. Take care, Ron,” the oldest Winchester brother returns.

     The ex-hunter retreats back into his garage, and Dean glances at the trunk for the second time and smiles satisfied. He’s glad he got it fixed. The clunking sound every time they hit a pothole was driving him crazy, and with enough arsenal for a small military operation inside, he wasn’t really keen on leaving it unlocked either. 

     As he takes a look around the abandoned street, he realizes he’s missing the tall individual that usually occupies the passenger’s seat. Where the hell did Sam go? Instinctively, Dean scans the area, uneasiness evident in his stomach, a sensation which arises ever since he was a kid, whenever he loses sight of his little brother. Then he spots him a bit further down the road. He’s on the phone with someone, and for a second he wonders if it’s Zoë he’s having a conversation with.

     Waiting for his brother to return, he leans against his car, shoving his hands in his pockets. The sun feels nice and warm on his back as it burns away the coolness of the night. Now that he has nothing to do for a moment, his thoughts sneak off. He doesn’t like it one bit, but he can’t help but think of the huntress they crossed paths with a little under a week ago. He may pretend that he doesn’t give a shit, but he has to admit that she has been on his mind more than a couple of times. Not that he likes her, fuck no, but Sullivan left an impression that has him wondering. She has been through more in the twenty-five years that she has walked this earth than most endure in an entire lifetime. Maybe that is why he deep down cares; he can relate to her.

     Dean exhales, not dwelling too long on the reason behind the intrigue. Instead, he wonders if Sam’s presumption is actually true. The fierce Zoë Sullivan being in deep shit; he can barely picture it. She always seems in control, even when things don't go as planned. She caught him off guard. He, Dean Winchester, can you fuckin’ believe that? The older Winchester sibling rolls his harmed shoulder, testing its mobility. She shot me, for fuck’s sake. 

     Even though he has been in the field longer than she has, Zoë seems to expertly know her way around the world of monsters that is their reality. She’s a bright girl, skilled, fast, fearless. She has every aspect of a perfect hunter. But after those last words back in Paragould, he was left with the impression that the battle she was going towards, is one she didn’t expect to win. It truly felt like a final goodbye. A disturbing question pops up in his head; did he make a mistake not going after her? The two guys they saved from a werewolf in Waco probably don’t think so. 

     Dean stares ahead, pulling at his bottom lip with his teeth while contemplating his choices. Maybe they should go after her anyway, see if they can pick up her trail. North is indeed a big place, but then again, a hot chick on a Harley Davidson would stand out. It’s a long shot, but if they play this right, they may be able to find her. 

     The matter escapes his mind when he feels his phone vibrating, the buzzing device startling him slightly. Somewhat annoyed by his own reflex, the hunter takes his Motorola and notices the small icon of an envelope in the right upper corner; he has received a text message. It’s probably Erin, his hook up back in Waco, who had to wake up alone this morning. She must be wondering where the man she met in a bar three days prior has gone. But when Dean opens his inbox, his eyes widen in shock. 

     At the top of the list of incoming messages, it says ‘Dad’.

     Dean’s heart has picked up speed, now pounding twice as fast than it was seconds ago. Last time he checked, his father’s phone was inactive, and now there’s a message coming in from that number? Different scenarios flash through his mind, not sure if he should prepare for good or bad news. With shaky fingers, he opens the text.

     Job: 48°13’11.00”N 121°41’4045”W

     Dean exhales, still staring at his cell. He can’t fucking believe it. John disappeared from the face of the earth, nowhere to be found, and after all this time he sent a few numbers and letters. The older Winchester brother huffs out a laugh. It doesn’t matter, though. Relief frees Dean from the crippling worry that he has tried to stuff down for over a month now, but kept him up at night nonetheless. This text confirms what he’s been hoping for; Dad is alive.

     Thrilled, Dean turns around and glances down the street, noticing Sam, who hastens towards the car. He can’t wait to share the news, knowing they have both been so desperate for a breakthrough. 

     “We’ve gotta go,” they both say at the same time.      “Me first,” Dean demands, childish.      “What are you? Seven?” Sam huffs, raising an eyebrow to match with the sass. Despite his accusation, he counters in the same manner. “What I’ve just heard is bigger.”      “Bigger than this?” Dean brags while flashing a grin, victoriously handing his brother the Motorola.

     Curiosity wins and Sam takes it, attentively reading the message. His eyes narrow, but then his jaw falls open when he realizes who the sender is. John’s youngest son isn’t impressed, though. In fact, what shows on the display infuriates him. 

     “That’s it?” he scoffs, agitated, giving the phone back to his brother. “After a month of silence, that’s what he gives us?”      “Sam, don’t you realize what this means? He’s okay!” Dean brings to mind. “Don’t bitch about this.”      “Just because he’s able to send us a text message, doesn’t mean that he’s okay. We’re not even sure it’s him!” Sam returns bitterly.      “Oh, come on. This is so Dad. One word and coordinates, that’s straight up Marine Corps right there. It’s more convincing than his fuckin’ signature,” the older brother argues.

     “And what the hell are we supposed to do with this? Trust him blindly and do a job he can’t find the time for because he’s hunting whatever the thing is that killed Mom?” Sam assumes, his arms flying up before he lets them come down to his sides again.      “Exactly,” Dean states, matter of factly. “Don’t you see, Sam? This is what I’ve been telling you. He doesn’t want to be found, he wants us to hunt.”

     Dean opens the passenger side door and rummages in the dashboard locker. When he straightens his back, he pulls out a brown notebook; it’s John’s journal.      “This book. This is dad’s single most valuable possession. Everything he knows about every evil thing is in here. He could’ve taken it with him, but he didn’t. He’s passed it on to us.” Dean looks deep into his brother's eyes while he points at the leather bound book that is the representation of the Bible to the Winchesters. “Dad’s journal, the text... Dad is telling us he wants us to do what we were trained for.”

     “You know what I want? I want to find him,” Sam returns determined, handing back the phone.      “And how the fuck were you planning to achieve that, huh?” Dean returns.      “I don’t need a plan, I already know where he is,” the younger brother states.

     Puzzled, Dean stares at him, waiting for an explanation. There has been zero contact between their old man and Sam for years,  and now all of a sudden he has figured out where John is at?      “How?” he questions, suspicion rising.      “I just received a call. He’s in Tennessee. In Nashville to be precise,” his sibling states.      Dean frowns. “A call? From who?”

     The shrug of Sam’s shoulders is nonchalant. “I think she might be a hunter or something.”      “She? Does this mystery lady have a name?” Dean questions further, trying to get details while frustration bubbles in his chest, triggered by his brother’s short answers.      “She didn’t give it, but it doesn’t matter. We’re going to Tennessee,” Sam decides.

     Dean laughs out loud, dropping the journal on the passenger’s seat before he turns away. Then he returns to glare at Sam as if he just made a joke.      “You wanna go to fucking Nashville based on an anonymous call? Did the sun fry your brain or something? This could be a fucking trap, Sam!” Dean shouts, indignant.      But his sibling is determined. “I don’t care. If he’s there, I’m going.” 

     Dean steps closer and halts right in front of him. He has to look up to stare into the eyes of his taller brother, but that doesn’t make him any less intimidating. 

     “Dad has given us an order,” he growls, his words spoken in a low tone.      “I said: I. don’t. care,” Sam battles him.      “Well I do, you stubborn dumbass!” Dean counters with a raised voice. “What you are planning to do is fucking dangerous! Dad doesn’t want you on his tail, you’ll blow his cover!”

     “You’re calling me a dumbass?! Dad is after an incredibly powerful monster by himself, alone! He’s the dumbass for not accepting our help! We already lost Mom, I lost Jess, I’m not going to lose him too. I want answers, I want a piece of that son of a bitch that ruined our lives and I want it right fucking now! If Dad doesn’t want me there, that’s his problem!” Sam shouts angrily.

     “You’re going against him?” Dean isn’t impressed with the outbreak, and slightly shakes his head. “Oh right, I forgot. That’s what you always do; the exact opposite of what he asks!”  he continues cynically.      “He doesn’t ask. He orders,” his brother corrects. “And you follow those orders like a fucking lapdog.”      “It doesn’t matter how he tells us what to do, Sam! He’s our God damn father, so you better suck it up and fucking LISTEN!!!”

     Dean is sure one of Ronny’s neighbors is going to emerge from one of the houses, telling them to shut up and take this argument elsewhere, instead of fighting it out in the middle of the street. He doesn’t care, however. His little brother has forgotten his place, and he needs to set him straight.

     “I do whatever the hell he tells me to do because I trust him, because I respect him, which is something I’m gonna strongly advise you to do as well, because your attitude fucking stinks,” Dean lectures, his moss green eyes penetrating, fire burning in his irises. “Now get in the fucking car, because we’re going to drive to wherever those coordinates lead us to.”

     Puffing his chest while straightening his back to make himself seem even taller, Sam crosses his arms. His older sibling might think he has all the authority, but he’s not a little kid anymore who he can boss around. Those days are long gone. He thought his departure to Stanford taught Dean a lesson or two, but apparently he needs to remind his brother that he plays by his own rules, and no one else's.      “I’m not going with you,” he decides, standing his ground.

     For a moment, Dean just stares at him, giving him a second to reconsider that conclusion, but Sam doesn’t even blink. Their gazes battle, the air between them almost too thick to breathe, rivalry carving a deep canyon between the two.      “I’m gonna give you a choice,” Dean snarls. “You can come with me and solve that case, or you can go fuck yourself.”

     Sam gulps, but stands his ground. His facial expression doesn’t change as he steps back, away from his brother, and heads over to the back of the Impala without breaking eye contact, until he opens the trunk to grab his duffel. The glare Dean receives when he slams the lid closed says enough; he’s not coming along for the ride. 

     Stunned, Dean stares at him and huffs in disbelief. Un-fucking-believable. He has always known Sam was stubborn, but now he takes the cake. Disappointed, the older brother shakes his head. This is the second time Sam has chosen a different path and leaves him without even batting an eye, but it scares Dean just as much as when he left and went to college. He’s not alright with what he’s about to do, but he can’t give in. He has to listen to his father.      Frustratingly, he pulls open the door of the Impala. “Goodbye, Sam.”

     Trying to hide his unpleasant surprise, the man left in the road watches him. He didn’t expect this, Dean taking off without him, but then again, how could he not expect a soldier to follow orders from his general? It doesn’t change anything, though. He is dead set on investigating this lead and finding his father.

     The man who is about to put a distance between himself and the one person he swore to never part with again, glances in the rearview mirror. He wishes he hadn’t, because the coldness in Sam’s hazel eyes seems foreign, yet familiar. As Dean starts the engine, he realizes he is either having a major deja-vu, or is reliving one of the worst days of his life. Despite the painful pressure that’s building in his chest and the panic that floods his brain, he lowers his right foot on the gas pedal, and the car rolls away. He doesn’t drive off as fast as he normally would, because he’s fighting the urge to turn around. Pained, he glances in his mirror again.      “C’mon, Sam. Move,” he begs.

     But Sam doesn’t even lift a finger, and he remains in the exact same spot. Then he does move, but not in the way Dean hoped. His little brother turns his back on him and heads towards downtown Hillsboro, in the opposite direction.

With a deep sigh, Dean shakes his head, clamping his left hand around the wheel until his knuckles turn white.       “Stubborn bastard,” he sighs.

     His jaw clenches, as West Elm Street flows over in Route 22 and the landscape around him changes. Small homes and sheds make room for stretched out farmlands. But he doesn’t notice the scenery. His conscience is fighting his heart. He wants to hit the brakes and pull the car into a 180° so badly, but he has to listen to his father. Never in his life has Dean done anything else than that, disobedience not being a word one could find in his dictionary. Yet in this situation, both of the options are pitfalls. It doesn’t matter which way he goes, he will make a mistake either way. Because the one line that his father drilled in his mind over and over again keeps haunting him. 

     Take care of Sammy. 

     He grinds his teeth, but continues to drive further and further away, his upbringing leaving him no choice. The hunter has made his decision; he’s going to find the location of those coordinates and do the job his Dad has given him. He knows what he’s doing, he’s just hoping Sam does too, because if something happens to his little brother, Dean knows he will never be able to forgive himself.

Well, shit. The boys have gone separate ways. Who do you think will find what he’s looking for?

Thank you so much for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you  do want to give me some extra love, you are free to reblog my work or  buy me coffee (Link in bio at the top of the page)

Read part four here

[e-merzly]

My opinions on each team wining the cup (this is purely opinion and for fun. Let me know what you guys are thinking about the teams)

East Seeding Round Robin

Boston Bruins: Honestly I wouldn’t be too mad if Boston won but no matter if they win or go out some fan base I’d going to be annoying about it. Boston if they win because “they were pretty much guaranteed to get it”, or other teams if they choke because “haha two years in a row and another lost cup”. Other than that I think the players deserve to win it and I want to see chara get at least one more cup before he retires eventually 🤷🏻‍♂️.

Tampa Bay Lightning – I don’t care that the jackets swept them last year and I should have no reason to be salty but I just don’t want them to win a cup.

Washington Capitals - Honestly pretty neutral about this one, it would be good to give Ovi a chance to catch up to Toews & Crosby plus the pure joy on his face when lifting the cup was honestly one of the best things I have ever witnessed 

Philadelphia Flyers – I would totally be into seeing them win after so many years of frustration but I selfishly want them to get a cup when NolPat is playing

East Qualifying Round

Pittsburgh Penguins – Pretty much the same as Washington except it would rub in Chicago’s face that Pittsburgh is still in the game.

Carolina Hurricanes – I would love for the canes to win, they have a young team and this year may not be their time yet but I would love to see them make it

New York Islanders – Honestly don’t give a shit about the islanders so it wouldn’t bother me but I would rather it go to another team.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Although it would be funny to watch them break the drought it would mean my jackets wouldn’t have even made it into the playoffs which is NOT cool.

Columbus Blue Jackets – I’m not delusional so I won’t say we have a chance but I would love to see my guys make it to the second round again! ❤️💙❤️💙

Florida Panthers – Kinda like the islanders, I don’t really care about the team but I don’t want them to win the cup.

New York Rangers – NYR have a lot of potential but I really don’t like their owner so I’m  automatically saying I hope they lose really bad.

Montreal Canadiens – It would be really funny to watch them break the drought but they don’t really stand a chance

West Seeding Round Robin

St. Louis Blues - I would love to see them do a back to back but I have a feeling that if they do other fan bases with claim that it was a double fluke (which ain’t cool)

Colorado Avalanche – Another team I would be happy to watch make it to the finals, I don’t know much about them but I think they could pull it off

Vegas Golden Knights - As much as I love the knights (mostly Fleury) as a fan of an expansion team that hasn’t even made it to the third round I cannot support them winning the cup.

Dallas Stars – I’m 100% on board with Dallas winnning however I’m sure many people will call it a fluke due to their last cup just like the blues. Overall I’m really rooting for them but they have lots of time with both Benn and Seguin on fairly long contracts so I think they are good.

West Qualifying Round

Edmonton Oilers – I don’t care much about the Oilers so I wouldn’t really care

Nashville Predators – idk why but I really don’t want them to win.

Vancouver Canucks – Same was Oilers

Calgary Flames – Same as Preds

Winnipeg Jets – wouldn’t that be funny

Minnesota Wild – I support Eric Staal but I also don’t like my expansion team twin so I’m conflicted on this one.

Arizona Coyotes – ultimate redemption ark for Phil, 10/10

Chicago Blackhawks – They really don’t stand a chance and recently I’ve liked them less and less so I don’t think they deserve the cup.

[artificialqueens]

Elastic Heart Part 8/10 (Branjie) - Mia Ugly

A/N: Thanks so much to artificialmeggie for the read-over and feedback on this update!!  And thank you to everyone who’s been reading and commenting. Fanfic takes a village, and the AQ village is everything.

We’re getting close to the finish line, and I hope to have it all done and posted within the next week so that I can stop worrying about canon messing with me. Also, if you want to know the inspiration behind this title and lip sync, check out Brooke Lynn Hytes’ performance of “Elastic Heart” on youtube.  Dear God, do it now.

Brock has this thing about winning. 

It’s a mean thing.

An ugly thing.

And it’s worked for him, for countless pageants, for Miss Continental, for Drag Race (for most of Drag Race, anyway.) He knows it’s connected to anxiety and perfectionism and self-esteem and whatever, knows it’s got something to do with that gasping hole in his chest (below the breastbone, left of the third rib) the one that’s always hungry, the one that can never be full. 

It’s a - whole mood.

It’s why he hasn’t had any real relationships, just short breathless hookups that ended in ignored texts and missed calls.

It’s why the thing with Jose was such a consummate disaster. Because it messed up the plan, the strategic and well-designed flowchart that Brock had for his life and the direction it was going to take.  Jose was not part of that plan.  A crown was.

And Brock had chances to change it, to back out, to cut ties. He had so many chances and after the Snatch Game - he tried. Like an asshole, he tried.  It was safer for them to be separate; Brock wasn’t so confused then.  It was safer when Vanjie wasn’t looking at him with those slanted eyebrows and soft smile, it meant Brock could focus. Could feed that part of himself that told him he wasn’t good enough.  

Told him he wasn’t enough, period.

If they had been talking much at the time he would have told Vanessa: I can’t think when you’re near me and I’m not going to put us both in the bottom two and that look on your face makes me forget what I’m doing here.

But instead he said nothing.

He watches the latest episode at a club in Nashville and performs some Ariana for them when it’s over.  As he leaves the stage, he realizes that his knee is throbbing.  It’s an old dance injury that returns now and then (a ghost to keep him company.)  Brock tries to stay and mingle but the pain is making him pricklier than usual; around 1 am he leaves in full drag and catches a cab home. He changes into his usual t-shirt and sweats, and is taking off his paint in the bathroom (leg stretched out on the toilet, icepack on his knee).

Then the phone rings.

When he sees Jose’s name, he almost doesn’t answer it. 

He’s just not in a place to talk to him right now.  He’s too wound up, and he’s in pain, and he’s worried his heart might give out like his knee if he hears Jose’s voice. 

The phone rings. Rings.

Fuck you, heart, Brock thinks and picks up.

At first there’s silence on the other end.  Then a breath.  Then another.

“Hey mama.”  The sound of the other man’s voice is like a lighthouse. “Weren’t you s’posed to call me or somethin’? I thought we’re gonna plan all this shit, all our statements and - then I get the cold shoulder, what’s goin’ on?”

There’s something a bit more musical than usual about the way Jose’s talking. A rolling rhythm, a slight drag on his vowels.

“You’re drunk,” Brock says, and Jose laughs, a gorgeously painful sound. 

Of course he’s drunk. Why would he call Brock if he wasn’t?

“Nah, girl, just - well maybe.  Back from the club, celebratin’ that my ass still on the show. You know. Everyone’s been talking at me about you, thought I better hit you up.”

“What club?” Brock wipes off his lipstick, turns slowly back to his beige-coloured self. “Where are you?”

“I’m in…” Jose pauses too long. “Shit.  Where’m I? Chicago.  That’s right.  Bitch, I’m from Chicago. Where you at?”

“Home.” 

“Damn. You on the other side of the world.”

Brock snorts, peeling off his lashes.  “A seven hour drive is the other side of the world, eh?”

“Look at you, soundin’ all Canadian.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking aboot.”

Jose laughs again, and the tipsy affection in his voice makes Brock squeeze his eyes shut, as if that will somehow block out the sound.  He doesn’t want to hear it.  It makes him miss Jose like he’d miss a vital organ, his left arm, his tongue.

“So.  So. Why did I - oh yeah, we’re planning. Scheming.  Gonna rob a bank or something.”

“Girl, you are so wasted.” 

“I’d be your getaway driver. You know, Fast and the Furious style.”

“Maybe if the whole drag thing doesn’t work out.” Brock’s smiling stupidly to himself, and he catches that look in the mirror.  It’s the expression he’s only ever seen on the show - the ‘Vanjie smile’, small and hopeless.  Seeing it in real life is a bit terrifying. “You can be Vin Diesel.”

“Shut your lyin’ mouth, ho! If I’m anyone it’s the Rock.” 

“Fine, Jesus. Be the Rock, if that’s your deal-breaker.” Brock leaves the bathroom, only half finished but unable to stand in front of a mirror any longer.  He sits down on his sofa, leg propped out on the coffee table with the ice pack balanced on it.  He smells terrible, like sweat and hairspray.  Christ, he needs a shower. “So. Just a couple more episodes left, and then -”

“Then you burnt it down. Not something I’ma forget.” The laughter in Jose’s voice fades. “How you feelin’ about watching it all?”

“Not great.  I don’t know – how it’s going to look, how they’re going to make it look.” Brock was basically moving on auto-pilot after it was over. There are a lot of pieces missing. “What if I, like, blacked out and did that Celine Dion impression again?”

“I dunno if I’d call what you did an ‘impression.’”

“And the library is open.” Brock winces a bit at the memory, because the reads during that last episode were too affectionate.  He’d been trying to play it cool then, make it clear he was all about the show and not just some sucker for a gorgeous face. But watching the edits, it’s almost like he went too hard in the opposite direction.  No wonder they were both fucked up about it.

“Also bitch, I was there that night. I think I woulda remembered if you went full Celine. Had flashbacks and shit.”

“You might have repressed it. On account of the trauma.”

“Guess we’ll both be in for a surprise then.”

God, Brock hopes not. That whole lip sync against Vanessa still feels unreal.  Some parts are so clear they’re like photographs, and others are like kindergarten drawings.  He knows they’re meant to mean something, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what. 

“So what are you going to say? When it airs.  We’ve got, like, two episodes left.”

“Does it matter?”

It does matter, it matters to Brock so much almost can’t put words to it.  

“Yes.”

“I’ll say… ha, I’ll say I paid you off.  Like boxing and shit. I was betting on the winner and gave you all my meme money to throw it.” Jose’s tone is bright like he’s joking, but there’s something underneath his words that’s a bit sharper. Something that sets Brock’s teeth on edge. “Or maybe I’ll say you’re a damn fool who forgot how to dance.”

“Yeah, you could.”

“Or maybe I’ll say -” Jose suddenly stops talking. Brock hears him rummaging around, hears some sort of movement in the background.  And then there’s silence.

“Hey. You good?” Brock asks after the silence goes on too long.  

He’s only a little concerned that Jose may have passed out, when Jose breathes a quiet laugh in response.

“So good, boo, you got no idea. Just - livin’ my best life. You know, walkin’ backwards.” There’s something tragic in his tone, and then more movement. “Brock -” 

The way he says the name sounds urgent, but then it trails off into nothing. Brock waits for the rest of it.   Waits.  

“Yes?”

“What? Nah, I jus’ like sayin’ your name. Brock.  Brooke. I like ‘em both.” Jose makes an odd choked sound on the other end of the line. “What you doin’ now?”

“Taking off my face. I was working tonight.”

“You get those dollar bills, mama?”

“Of course I did.”

“You got anyone there with you?”  

There’s an intensity in the question that makes Brock hesitate.  

“Anyone as fine as me?” Jose continues, and Brock’s mouth goes a bit dry.  

“No.” He swallows. “Um. Do you?”

“Fuck no. Who’d that be? Ain’t no one -” Jose cuts himself off, and Brock feels something rising inside him, a wave of wanting that started at the first rasp of Jose’s voice on the line.  “That damn lip sync of yours is still all over my pages.”

“Yeah?” ” Brock doesn’t know where this conversation is going, but something feels - too intense.  Too desperate. His heart beats against his chest a bit too hard.

Jose whistles. “Been playing it on repeat just to look at Yvie’s ass.”

“Bitch.” Brock grins, even though he’s starting to feel all blurry around the edges. “I knew it.”

“But damn, girl, you were fine as hell. I remember thinkin’ - watching you dance -”

Heat rises to Brock’s face.  Jose is drunk, there’s no way he would be saying any of this otherwise.

“- like how the fuck did she somehow - how did she end up -”

There is a feeling like electricity running over Brock’s skin and under it.  Through his bones, his veins. He can’t say anything in reply.

“ - with me? Like I get to to look at her, and fucking - kiss her -”

“Jose -”

“Wish I could see you now.  Miss your stupid face, your fucking hands.  I miss your mouth -”

“Jesus,” Brock gasps.  This is not how he thought this was going to go. “I miss you too.”

“Don’t - you don’t gotta talk none, just let me okay? Just let me.” Jose’s breathing is heavy, and there’s another sound like rustling fabric. “Gotta take my shirt off.”

“Jesus,” Brock says again, sweat breaking out over his neck, his chest.  This can’t actually be happening.  He hasn’t had anything but water and energy drinks tonight, he’s not - prepared. He’s entirely too sober.  He’s going to do something stupid, say something -

“You think about me?” Jose continues, voice rough. “You want me?”

What could it hurt to be honest? For fucking once, Brock. “Fuck yes. All the -”

“I think about you, about riding you.  Bet you would fuck like you dance, hey? So damn pretty.  Are you touching yourself?”

Brock wants to but he isn’t, doesn’t know the rules here. He’s hard in his sweatpants, and his free hand has started to travel down his abdomen, trace the fine hairs below his bellybutton.

“I am,” Jose gasps, “Brock, baby - please -”

“Oh my god.” Brock closes his eyes, imagining Jose on some shitty hotel bed, shirt off, pants undone. It’s like he’s there, right in front of him, almost close enough to touch. Brock can smell his sweat, smell his cologne, wants to drag his tongue up the crease between his hip and his thigh. His hand slips beneath his waistband and he - his body wants this, but the rest of him feels -

“Get off for me, baby,” Jose’s voice breaks. “I wanna hear what you sound like, wanna hear you -”

Brock strokes himself, feeling a bit like he’s having an out-of-body experience. He’s never done this before - sent the odd pic, but never - nothing like this. His body feels overheated, every inch of his skin is sensitive. Goosebumps are rising all over his shoulders, and his cock is so wet, like he’s already there, seconds away.  He can only hear Jose’s rasping breaths on the other line, a rhythm that’s rising. Brock wishes he could see him. Touch him.  

“If you were here - fuck,” Jose moans into the phone, “I’d let you do anything you wanted, let you -”

Brock’s hand is speeding up, his hips making tiny thrusting movements into his fist.  He drops his head back against the couch, lets Jose’s voice wrap him up in rough silk.

“ - touch me all over.  Those big hands of yours, I been thinking about them. Want your fingers in my mouth.”

“Jose -”

“I wish you were touchin’ me right now, wish it was your hand. I’m so close just - oh fuck, fuck I’m -”

Brock recognizes the sounds that follow. Recognizes them from that one night in the hotel room during Drag Race, his mouth between Jose’s legs, his hands everywhere and lit up from the inside like all his bones were matches. 

He can see Jose’s back arching from behind his closed eyes and it’s too sweet, too much. Brock’s voice breaks as a strangled, foreign sound forces its way out of his chest. He can still taste Jose in his mouth, and the memory brings everything to a crescendo.  Suddenly Brock is coming in his hand, and he doesn’t know how it happened so fast but it’s been so long and Jose’s voice and his laugh and oh Christ, oh my God, oh - 

He trembles as he strokes himself through it, breathing like he’s just run a marathon. There is silence on the other line and Brock drops his head, doesn’t move. 

He tries to catch his breath, sticky and uncomfortable and boneless with longing. His knee throbs and he realizes that at some point the ice pack slid onto the floor. 

This was not what he envisioned when he thought about his first time getting off with Jose. (But what had he envisioned? Rose petals and champagne? Had there been an ending anywhere in sight or was it just about the show and the rest of the timeline was blank? Had he thought about it, or had it just been a fucking dream?)

Brock’s almost afraid to say anything, break the silence.  What does this mean for them - anything at all?  After everything that’s happened, is there a reason to think this matters? Or is it just something that Jose does on the daily when he’s buzzed and lonely?

“Jose?”

There is no answer.  Brock can hear slow breathing, just barely, on the other line. 

“Have you fallen the fuck asleep?” he says, a bit louder. Nothing.

Unbelievable. Brock would laugh if he wasn’t afraid he’d start crying. He says Jose’s name a couple more times, only to get mumbling in response (and a frankly adorable snore but don’t let anyone know he said that.) 

Jesus Christ.  He feels like an idiot. He feels - feels - 

(“Now the real reason I keep kissing you,” Brooke’s heart is beating like a kickdrum in her chest, be cool, be cool for once, “is to get you to shut the fuck up.”

Vanessa’s smile in response is something to write songs about. It’s shy and proud and embarrassed and everything that always seems to smack Brooke in the face, knock her to the ground. 

“I’ll take that.” Vanjie tilts her head and Brooke forgets all the reasons that she wanted to slow things down, forgets how to count money and block out her eyebrows, forgets the name of her first grade teacher and the smell of her hometown. Forgets why she’s even in this competition, and that - that’s a huge fucking problem.)

“Night, boo,” Brock says to the universe, before he hangs up. He finishes taking off his face, and gets in the shower, and tries not to think about it. Tries not to think about the water running over his skin the way he wishes Jose’s fingers would. Tries not to remember anything about tonight, lets his mind go blank and blissful. Lets his body take over, go through the motions of drying itself off, and dressing itself up, and swooning into bed.

The text he’s expecting comes the next morning (well, morning for drag queens so around noon.)

“Sorry bout last night i was white girl wasted”

“Brock im so so sorry shit im stupid”

“next time i call you late don’t answer :(”

Brock doesn’t text back. 

* * *

And the music plays.

“Oh why can I not conquer love?”

Brooke moves the way she’s born to, feeling each beat of the song in the bones of her hips.  She’s a fucking performer, this is what she does. She tries to focus on making eye contact with Ru, with Michelle, tries to command the stage and dare them not to want her. She glances over to see Vanjie more than matching her, hitting each beat of the music with a punch. 

Brooke looks away before she can get distracted, crossing the stage and posing where the lights hit her just right. She spins, she stretches, she waits for the moment to make her move.

“And I might have thought you’d be the one..”

Brooke glances over at Vanjie again. Girl has dropped to her knees and is crawling across the floor, back arched like a cat. Her skin shines, perpetually glittery, and Brooke can remember the taste of her tongue, the sweet pressure of her mouth.

And then Vanessa rises to her knees, tilts her head toward the stage lights. Brooke’s about to look away (FOCUS) but before she can - 

- she sees a tear runs down Vanessa’s face. 

Just one.  

Black with mascara. Delicate as a line of calligraphy. 

Brooke snaps her head forward.  She doesn’t - she can’t - she won’t think about that right now, she’s not hear to think about that. She’s a drag queen and this is a fucking competition and she came here to win it.

She listens to the music, and it swells, it swells.  Sia’s voice crescendoes and Brooke takes a breath, prepares to slide into the splits and then -

(Once upon a time, in a small Canadian town, there was a boy who wanted to be a dancer.  

He was late to start but he worked harder than the other students, practiced longer.  This boy had a dance teacher, and even though he worked harder and practiced longer, his teacher did not like him. She only saw his flaws, and saw them often.  She was constantly finding something to criticize - the height of his jumps, the strength of his arms.  And though the years passed and the boy learned to dance and dance well, his teacher did not change. She was never satisfied.

When the boy left the small Canadian town at last, at long last, he asked his teacher why.  She waited for a moment before she replied. 

“You dance with your head. Your head is in control of your performance. Technically you have the skills, but a truly great dancer must listen to their body.  Listen to their heart.”

The boy left the small Canadian town, and kept dancing.  And he listened to his head, and he built walls made of brick and stone, and he never looked back.)

Brooke takes a breath, prepares to slide into the splits and then -

She doesn’t move.

NO 

It’s not even a decision, it’s just a moment and the moment is gone. And it’s - fine, Brooke’s a dancer, she can turn it the fuck out, it’s not too late. She can - she’ll just - Brooke spins into the music, prepares to fall flat into a death drop in time with the beat and then.  

And then she doesn’t.

NO NO 

Her body is not moving.  Her movements are stopping (there was a tear on Vanessa’s face, it was black like ink.) 

DON’T DON’T YOU’RE THROWING IT WHAT THE FUCK ARE 

Brooke can’t get enough air, sees fireworks across her vision. It’s not too late, she just has to - move, she has to -

But she doesn’t. She slowly comes to a stop on stage. Why isn’t she moving? What is happening? She can’t even look at the judges, can’t meet their eyes. She clenches her hands into fists, the possibility of winning this moving farther and farther, waves carrying it beyond her reach. 

“You won’t see me fall apart.”

And then all of sudden, Vanjie realizes what’s going on.  Out of the corner of her eye, Brooke sees Vanjie stiffen. It’s like a stutter in her heartbeat, and Brooke can’t help but turn to look at her. She sees Vanessa’s wide, dark eyes, sees her give a horrified little shake of her head, ‘no’.  

Vanjie doesn’t stop dancing, though, and Brooke stands in one place, staring at her, trying to breathe. Vanessa finishes the song with her signature twisty death drop, arching off the floor with her hand out-stretched (“That’s a star, right?”) as Sia half-whispers half-sings the last line.

“I’ve got an elastic heart.”

When it ends, Brooke is shaking.  

Her hands are trembling so much she has to hold them behind her back so nobody notices and calls for a medic. There are applause from the judges but Vanessa is not smiling.  A smudged tear-track still lingers on her cheek.  

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WHAT DID YOU

“Vanessa Vanjie Mateo,” Ru says, not even taking a moment to think it over. “Shantay you stay.”

Brooke hears cheering from Silky and A’Keria, and she nods.  The sounds seem to be coming from somewhere far away, another room.

Vanjie releases a shaky breath, whispers, “Thank you so much” (barely audible, voice breaking) and then is suddenly crossing the stage and in Brooke’s arms. Brooke can’t speak, can’t understand what’s happening, can only hold Vanessa like the world is ending, breathe in the smell of her skin like it might be the last time she gets to. 

She doesn’t know what to say.  She doesn’t know how to let her go.

“Brooke -” Vanjie is shaking like a leaf, pulse racing.

“You -” Brooke searches for words but they scatter like ashes. So she says the only thing she can remember.  “- you want a ring or some shit?” 

Vanjie pulls back, eyes flooding with tears. 

“Brooke Lynn Hytes.” Ru’s voice makes them split apart and the absence of Vanjie in her arms is like a broken bone. 

Brooke tries to get it together. Tries to remember who she was before this whole mess started.  She’s Brooke Lynn Hytes, she was Miss fucking Continental, damn it, she had a plan -

She doesn’t remember how she gets offstage. Ru says something in parting, and she smiles and plays the grateful queen, and as she passes the girls Yvie grabs her, hisses “What the fuck did you -” but it’s all like moving underwater. Somehow Brooke’s back in the werkroom.  Somehow Brooke’s staring shell-shocked into the camera, holding the statuette in her hand.

“Brooke,” a producer keeps repeating, “Brooke, do you need a minute? Are you ready? Brooke, are you okay? Can someone get her some water?”

She blinks, stupidly. 

“I’m - in love with him,” she says to herself.

As soon as she says it, it’s like a bomb going off.  There’s a ringing in her ears, and her mouth tastes like honey and thorns. How can this be possible? The werkroom looks the same, Brooke’s hands and arms are the same shape, but that doesn’t make sense. The whole world should be a different colour if Brooke is in love. There should be fish swimming through the walls. 

Everything should be changed in the wake of this earthquake.

“Oh my god.” Brooke looks at the camera with wide, horrified eyes. “I love him.”

That’s when she remembers she’s on television.

[nosferatyou]

I was tagged by @lazingonsunday and @shes-outta-sight to do one of the long tag, get to know them, type of things. Which I absolutely love by the way. I don’t talk about myself much.

What was the last thing you read?

Well I was editing the latest chapter of my fic of that counts? If not some random josh one shot a couple hours ago lol.

Favorite Movie?

Man it’s ever revolving. It was Django Unchained for a long ass time, but now I think it’s Baby Driver.

Favorite Book?

Misery by Stephen King. I read it years ago and I have a lot of good memories tied to it. Me and my friend became closer through his works and this was the first one I read. It’ll stay close in my heart.

Dream Date?

It’s one I’ve been on before but just Vinyl Shopping. It’s simple and easy but music in a relationship is important to me. I gotta make sure they have good picks. But there is something so soft about it all.

Do you have a crush?

Sadly no. But I’m fully in Joshes lane rn if that means anything?

What are your hobbies?

Oof okay. I mostly draw like all hours of the day. But I very actively keep up with guitar and bass. I write as well. I make videos for my friends. I collect old and beat up vinyls. Lot of art stuff

Favorite time of day?

Night time. Like from hours 10-3. That’s my true alone time and it’s something I cherish and look forward to everyday.

If you could look like anything, what would you like to look like?

I don’t wish to change anything about my body. I think I’d be silly to. But man I wish I could actually afford clothes I’d like to wear. Real bellbottoms you know? I want that vintage shit.

Are you romantic?

In a secure relationship yes. I show too much emotion too fast in the beginning. But boy oh boy when I get romantic. I get very touchy feely. Man date ideas. Lot of carefully curated playlists.

Favorite type of weather?

That time in like August/September when I can wear jeans and maybe a light jacket. But it’s still warm, you know?

What do you like talking about?

Music. I talk about it all day long. The foundation behind it. The artist. I could discuss guitars and instruments with people all damn day. I just. I love everything about it. But also GVF is my hyperfixation rn and my friend is ready to shoot my head off if I speak another word about Jakes guitar playing.

What are your turn ons?

Ngl I’m akin to a boy with long hair. It’s my vice. I’ve only dated long haired musicians. But I just want someone who radiates some kind of light you know? I’ve seen too much darkness. I want someone genuine and real. Is it too much to ask for a positive person?

What are your turn offs?

I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. Basically anything that’s negative. Ignorance mostly. I don’t want someone who refuses to learn. It’s stupid. I just want honesty and someone with an open mind. Anything else is a no go.

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

Okay so. I really want tattoos. I designed something about a year ago I want really badly but it’s so expensive. Thinking rationally. Right now I’d really like some line art of bust. Idk what tho.

Do you have any pets?

3! 2 dogs, Ruby and Nellie, both too six year old mutts. Nellie is the weirdest god damn dog I’ve ever had. And ruby is basically a fox dog. And then there is Friday my cat. He can be a bitch boy but he’s a sweet boy who’s just being a cat. (I also have ten plants but most people don’t consider them pets)

Dream Job?

I’m still searching for that. Recently my heads been floating towards playing live shows as a guitar or bass player. But I’m no where near the point of even considering. I’m pretty shitty. But how Cool would it be to play that violin bow with my guitar on stage?

Dream place to live?

Not considering any potential jobs. I just want to live in a big log cabin somewhere on the outskirts of a town. Out in the wilderness and free to just live.

Dream vacation?

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to just road trip around in a van honestly. But before that visit my great grandfather grave in Scotland. He was a kings hand and did a lot back in the day. I’d be cool to see. But then I’d fuck around in Europe.

Do you have any piercings?

I’ve got my nose and ears pierced. I’m pretty happy with that

If you had kids what would you name them?

Man I don’t even want to think about that.

What are your best traits?

I’m a great listener. I’m extremely compassionate. Will do anything to help friends. And I feel like my music taste isn’t half bad.

Worst traits?

The compassionate thing tends to bite me in the ass. I’ve got a lot of emotions. I also have 20 things I want to do all at once all the time. I loose sleep because of it. There is more but I’d go on too long.

Worst fear?

Weirdly enough any type of natural disaster. When I was way too young I watched “The Impossible” and then shortly after learned about techtonic plates and I never forgotten about it or where they are.

What do you want to eat right now?

Brownies. And a fucking burrito.

Best vacation you’ve been on?

I went on a road trip to Chicago recently and I just makes so many good memories. I saw ninja sex party’s 10th anniversary, which was fantastic. But I got to visit a friend all weekend. But my favorite part was the ride back. The whole time we just talked but also sang to old 50s songs and just had this moment of unity. I still think about it

Favorite City?

I haven’t been to too many places yet so I’m gonna go with my hometown, Nashville. If you look past all the tourists. It’s got a very rich musical history and in certain places you just feel it. I loved living there and it made me who I was.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr. It’s really the only one I ever check anymore. Plus I’ve made some great friends on here.

Favorite article of clothing?

My fucking bellbottoms. I wear them whenever I can. They give me so much confidence.

Do you play any sports?

Fuck no. I have no coordination whatsoever.

Favorite meal of the day?

Lunch. You have a lot more options. Plus I just like the vibe

What are you excited for?

Starting the tenth I have a lot of good things coming my way. In that week I get to finally end this semester, the new Harry styles album releases, I get a new bass, and I get to see fucking Greta Van Fleet. None of you know how excited I am for that. Pit tickets. Jesus it’ll be good.

Not excited for?

Finals. And an um.. upcoming funeral.

When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can’t remeber and that really scares me.

Dream house?

I basically answered this earlier but gimme that big ass log cabin.

Something you hate about this world?

Don’t get my started. I hate that everyone hates themselves all the time when they have no reason to. I hate that 8 people have most of the worlds money and are doing nothing to help global warming. I hate the man that’s in power and what he’s helped cause. I hate everyone who refuses to accept literally any fact. I hate that my future is bleak because of some old ass white men.

Something you love about this world?

I love the light that radiates off of certain people. I love that our generation has hope and that some people are actually trying to make change. I love the raw creativity I see in others and I love that we are bringing back the resurgence of peace and love.

What scents do you like?

Old records and books. Its the simple pleasures.

What kind of sleeper are you?

Typically heavy but sometimes I Sleep so little it feels like I got nothing at all.

Cat or dog person?

Don’t make me pick! I grew up with both, and very partial to both.

How long would you survive in a zombie Apocolypse?

I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think I’d live awhile but I would probably be the ones who look like they have hope and then accidentally get taken out.

Are you trusting?

I used to be. I realized recently how thick my walls really are.

What fictional character do you identify with?

Sorry to be boring but nothing is coming to mind. But then again I never felt akin to anyone really?

What labels do you commonly get?

In high school I was called “the quiet one” if that tells you anything.

What song would be your life anthem?

Sunshine on my shoulders by John Denver is the only one coming to mind. I think I just want the feeling it gives me to be what I feel all the time.

What issues are you dealing with right now?

Two friends in the last month Um. Took their own lives. One being an old friend. I’ve never dealt with death. My brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I also think I might have ADD. But. That’s the tip of the iceberg rn

How can someone win you over?

Typically I’m drawn to people who are the loudest in the room. I like that their confident and can speak their minds but what wins me over about them is when they really open up. When I learn about the real then rather than the face that they put on. Most of the time it goes that way.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m making a short film with some friends who go to Columbia. Should be out soonish.

I tag

@pvre-mourning @peacelovekiszka @fretavangleet @aint-no-denying @sosozoso

[recommendedlisten]

It’s been awhile since Recommended Listen has done one of these, but back by popular (content) demand, the weekly Best of the Rest column has returned to highlight the rest of the week’s great music you should know. Leading into it, Massachusetts DIY scene favs Future Teens and Dump Him both tried to figure out ways to move forward while Big Thief are proving to be unstoppable with their creative genius. The return of Vivian Girls is arguably being enjoyed more so the second time around, Chelsea Wolfe’s natural instincts are giving us even more reasons to appreciate her dark art, and NYC post-punks Bodega continue to live up to the promise of being shiny new models. Meanwhile, Field Mouse succeeded at finding meaning in everything as modern punk scene cult hero Chris Faren searched for his within a screen. There’s a lot more to cover here, so let's get down to the music business.

Here’s the best of the rest from the week of August 11th, 2019…

Antagonize - Slip Death EP [Triple B Records]

The last time I saw Aaron Bedard, he was being showered in balloons and kids walking all over each others’ heads as part of the final bow of Bane, the seminal melodic hardcore band who very much helped make the New England hardcore scene what it is today. Bedard returned to the stage a year ago with a new band called Antagonize, and after throwing down some demos and promos, they’ve released their debut EP Slip Death on the great Boston hardcore label Triple B Records this past week (label leader Sam Yarmuth designed its cover art much like he did for the vinyl reissue of the 2001 Bane classic Give Blood.) Bedard’s intensity has not slowed down with the passing of time either. In fact, it’s become exponentially more confrontational as he and the band thrash through fast, visceral existentialist dread. Throw them on a bill with the likes of Fury, Fiddlehead, Turnstile, or any of the countless names coming out of the Triple B roster right now, and Antagonize -- and Bedard -- know exactly what the scene needs at this moment.

Slip Death by ANTAGONIZE

Charli XCX feat. Sky Ferreira - “Cross You Out” [Atlantic Records]

On September 13th, Charli XCX will release her long awaited “proper” third studio effort Charli. Between years of experimental EPs and one-off singles, it’s been awhile since we heard her target her vision for mass consumption with major label approal, and she’s bringing some of music’s most intriguing voices into the fold with her to get that across. We already heard her team with Lizzo on “Blame It On Your Love” and Christine and the Queens for “Gone”. Its latest preview “When You’re Not Around” is one for Twitter pop fandom, however, as it sees Charli XCX joining forces with Sky Ferreira on the A.G. Cook-produced track. The two artists have been heralded as pop music’s most underrated creators for the better part of this decade, so to hear Charli and Ferreira’s paths cross seamlessly into this digital slowburn as they put the collective shit they’ve dealt with personally over the years behind them is a fitting way for it to happen.

Code Orange - “Let Me In” [WWE Music]

At least weekend’s WWE Summerslam, rebooted horror heel Bray Wyatt returned after months of being kept off screen in action with a brand new character persona called the Fiend that saw him evolving from the creepy bayou cult leader of previous and into a psychotic children’s program host who turns into a deranged monster wearing a mask designed by horror film makeup legend Tom Savini. In helping get this new terrifying character’s image over with the crowd and viewers watching was Code Orange, one of the most exciting bands in hardcore and metal going right now, who reinterpreted Wyatt’s old theme “Live In Fear”, a sinister, swampy piece of occult rock originally recorded by Mark Crozier, under its new name “Let Me In” and making it into their own heavy pummeling likeness, adding layers of deeper darkness to Wyatt’s Fiend character in the process. This isn’t Code Orange Kids first foray in soundtracking WWE superstars' themes, as they backed Incendiary’s Brendan Gorrone live as goth anti-hero Aleister Black made his way to ring during NXT Takeover Brooklyn III. Now that Black is on the main roster, inevitably he will cross paths with the Fiend at some point, making you wonder where Code Orange's loyalty will lie...

The Highwomen - “Highwomen” [Low Country Sound / Elektra Records]

The Highwomen -- a.k.a. the country songwriting supergroup of Brandi Carlile, Maren Morris, Amanda Shires, and Natalie Hemby -- are one of the most exciting things to happen to country music this year. On September 6th, they will release their eponymous debut album, and to date, the foursome have proven themselves quickly to be working flawlessly as a well-woven collective where nothing remotely resembling an ego outshine the other in its first coupling of singles “Redesigning Women” and “Crowded Table”. It’s latest is a goosebump-inducing sunset song that hears each member sharing a piece of the narrative that tell a greater story about their ability to overcome all and any hurdle. “We are the daughters of the silent generations / You send our hearts to die alone in foreign nations,” their voices collect in its final moments. “They may return to us as tiny drops of rain / But we will still remain/ And we’ll come back again and again and again.

Miranda Lambert - “Bluebird” [RCA Nashville / Vanner Records]

Beyond the Highwomen, Miranda Lambert is now joining the highly anticipated of new Nashville releases with her seventh studio effort Wildcard, due out on November 1st. Her last effort was the excellently crafted post-divorce catharsis The Weight of These Wings, but judging by the sounds of WIldcard’s first single “Bluebird”, Lambert is getting back to her old high jinks of sorry not sorry whip-smart lyricism and folding them into cool, flawless country-pop. “And if the house just keeps on winning / I got a wildcard up on my sleeve / And  if love keeps giving me lemons / I'll just mix 'em in my drink,” goes its chorus. Lambert’s undefeated streak will likely continue with this as well as her tour behind the LP, which sees her bringing along her Pistol Annies sisters, Maren Morris, and Ashley McBridge along for the ride on select dates for her Roadside Guitars and Pink Guitars tour, kicking off in September.

Octo Octa - “Can You See Me?” [T4T LUV NRG]

Back in July, Octo Octa, the electronic dance outlet of Maya Bouldry-Morrison, dropped “Spin Girl, Let’s Activate”, the leadoff single from her forthcoming third album Resonant Body, set for release on September 6th. The listen was fully in motion with a bright luminosity radiating from with Bouldry-Morrison she says was inspired after a year of tremendous change and personal growth. That expanded energy extends even further in its subsequent listen “Can You See Me?” in which she allows emotions to overflow onto the soundboard through an empath in samples vocals and a cosmic tidal of synth arpeggios running through whichever cracks in its constant break beats they can find. It’s invigorating, and both as a measure of her art and being, there’s really no avoiding Octa Octa’s presence being made known here.

(Sandy) Alex G - “Southern Sky” / “Near” [Domino Records]

Rocket was a very special album in the prolific catalog of (Sandy) Alex G, though it wouldn’t be a surprise if the experimental indie pop wunderkind’s new album House of Sugar, set for release on September 13th, bests it in its own way. So far, we’ve heard the warped and rickety storytale standout “Gretel” and the earnest ode to a friend and place passed on “Hope”, and this past week, he introduced two more in “Southern Sky” and “Near”. The former, which includes an animated video by frequent visual collaborator Elliot Bech, is a country-stained sigh featuring Emily Yacina that hits a similar backwoods bliss that “Bobby” did two years ago, while the latter retreats to pinbacked repetition, wonky loops and samples that warp the canvas with Alex Giannascoli’s signature smeared fingerprints. (Sandy) Alex G will also be touring extensively behind the effort starting this October, with dates featuring the likes of Tomberlin, ARTHUR and Corey Flood.

Taylor Swift - “Lover” [Republic Records]

The last we heard of Taylor Swift was her divisive post-pop call-out Reputation, and with its tinge of industrial bangers and stadium-translating success, it’s safe to say it aged better than what anyone expected upon release. Her new album Lover is on the way next week, and so far, two of its early singles have been absolute dogshit while the other was just so-so. In the streaming era, it comes no surprise that there will be 18 tracks total on the album, which means there’s bound to be some duds. Hopefully they’re more like it’s title track, though. Jack Antonoff seems to be one of the few people who knows what to do with making Swift sound like a breath of fresh air in spite of her missteps in this lash-batting late night bar crawler that is the Jekyll to Swifty’s drunken Hyde. She really could have reverted full-on back to country-pop and easily gotten away with it...

Queen of Jeans - “Only Obvious to You” [Topshelf Records]

The surprises within Queen of Jeans’ sound are unraveling themselves quickly, but in subtle gestures leading up to the dreamy Philly indie-pop band’s release next week of their sophomore effort If you’re not afraid, I’m not afraid. So far, they’ve delivered a devastating blow to the ego in doo-wop form with "U R My Guy” and searched for a way out of a dead end relationship on “All the Same”. “Only Obvious to You” steps away from pastel lights and balloon grandeur, leaving plenty of room fordark space in between two warm bodies for the distance to hit hard. “Love will fuck you over hard,” Miriam Devora repeatedly reminds herself in the listen’s closing moments, and in the listen’s video shot at Philly Pride, they want to do their community a solid by letting it be known that no matter how you love, pain is pain, and your feelings are valid, too. This autumn, they’ll be mending broken hearts on the road alongside tourmates From Indian Lakes.

Whitney - “Used to Be Lonely” [Secretly Canadian]

Someone in Whitney’s camp had to have intentionally planned to have the Chicago country soul duo’s sophomore effort Forever Turned Around be released at the final breaths of summer and the cusp of autumn’s cupping season on August 30th, because “Used to Be Lonely” is the kind of listen that tugs at the heartstrings of both the, uh, lonely and not so lonely, in a way that will make those with someone feel warm gratitude to have someone by their side, and those who don’t romanticize about the day it happens to them. Its accompanying visuals, directed by Austin Vesely, are on point just as well, as it captures a budding romance developing at the kind of midwestern country fair in a small town you’d hit up some weekend in September when you could use a slice of simplicity in your life of how even the most humble moments can feel extraordinary if you’re sharing them with the right person. If not, Whitney will bring it to you when they roll through your city this autumn.

[jennyleewrites]

When I sold my first YA novel on September 25th I decided to join the masses and really “participate” in social media. And I have been giving it the “old college try” for almost three months now. (“old college try” means an overzealous attempt of something that may be seemingly impossible, possibly coined by a baseball announcer in the early 1900s.) Anyway, I have ten days left in my three months... and I have to be honest and say I’m getting bored. (I’m in no way being critical of anyone who loves Insta and is a fan, I get the appeal, but for me I don’t know if My personal life is really all that interesting. AND, lately all I want to do is post pics of my dog Gemma. Sure, pics are cool, but to me the story behind the pics is far more interesting. For example: last year my husband and I drove from LA to Nashville, TN for Christmas to my Mom’s house. It took us four days. Why did we do it ? Gemma is my husband’s first dog as an adult that he raised from a puppy and he felt sad that on a major family holiday she wouldn’t be with us. (At 135 lbs she’s too big to fly.) Last year, I wasn’t working in December so I suggested we drive because who knows when we’d have the opportunity to do so again. It was win/win. My husband would be happy and I love any new adventure... (it’s a writer thing, every new experience is something new to write about...) It was the harder route (pun intended) but it was so very worth it. My brother’s kids loved Gemma and we had one of the best Christmases ever. These pics are our last stop before Nashville at the historic Peabody Hotel, (I had always heard about the Peabody Ducks and wanted to experience them IRL!) Experiencing new things really contributes to my writing process, and trying to Insta at the same time is proving difficult. Because I’m not really “in the moment” which I find highly problematic... for me, personally. So yeah, I have 10 days left and I’m gonna finish what I started... but I’m unsure what will happen after. (I’m a way better storyteller, than I am a photographer. Haha.) #throwbackthursday #throwback #writerslife #truth #countdown #newfoundlanddog #debutantechristmasball (at The Peabody Memphis) https://www.instagram.com/p/BrVPC66gtMk/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vgdbp60rwa1m

[rosedalemike]

The Mood: Blog #7 “What even is mainstream...even??”

started like 3 weeks ago...     Is taste in music really subjective? Or is it perspective? Obviously there's a common formula to pop (which is short for popular) that makes a song more digestible to the general public- more commercial (Intro, verse, chorus, re-intro tease maybe, verse2, chorus2, bridge, Chorus3 with a little re-intro maybe). A simple hook and dancy beat never hurt, either. Then of course there's the performance and production. I'd argue that a lot of a song's approval/success has to do with the mix of the song (but for most, that's more subconscious). 

I'd say at least 90% of us are really looking at lyrics as the main check-box; are they relatable/do they flow? Then, with all those key elements in mind (and some others, depending on the goal) the authenticity of it all. From the structure to the lyrics to the performance(s) to the production to the mix/master; do they all compliment each other in a friendly and/or interesting way?

     So with all that in mind, there are some things that are subjective: Relatable - that depends on the demographic/individual. But some lyrics are literally relatable to everyone. 

Performance ?? - Sure, everyone knows a good singer/drummer/guitarist when they hear one. But taste is the real subjective factor. Does the player's ability get out of hand and distract from the authenticity of the song? Technicality and raw emotion have heavy hands but sometimes less is more. "Music is not a sport," but to some shredders, it is! (Part of what makes Blink 182 so powerful is Travis Barker's ability to blow your mind with a fill rolling into that big finale... I can already hear the haters "Overrated! Overrated!") On the other hand, sometimes Bono being passionately flat is what gives U2 their cool factor.

Authentic - Like relatable lyrics, that mostly involves the individual's history. What has the artist/listener's ears been brought up with? What sounds/methods have been retired and what is trending? (Maybe a dancy trap beat wasn't prescribed in the original Alicia Keys' version but definitely authentic in the Jay-Z remix.)

Lyric Party:

"Concrete Jungle where dreams are made of" - Alicia Keys 

Cool - what even is cool? If you follow the pop formula/structure are you no longer cool? If you have a low-fi mix/master, are you automatically cool? That's all subjective but trends definitely play a big roll. And these days; what even is mainstream?

    I'd say Nickelback is mainstream. However, a lot of people hate Nickelback simply because it's cool to hate Nickelback. Nickelback is not my cup of tea, but they definitely cover all those bases in my opening paragraph pretty well. They've mastered being commercial and there's a few Nickleback choruses that I can probably sing word-for-word. It's just odd to me when bands that sound like Nickelback hate Nickelback. That's like when bands that sounded like Blink 182 hated Blink 182. I will go on to argue that these commercial bands didn't necessarily sell out, they just got better (to the general public). So don't hate! Especially if you're hating for your own pride. Like what you like. Leave pretension to the hipsters.

    I guess the main thing that inspired me to write this was from playing my very first sold out show in Columbus, OH at A&R bar. Obviously, I had very little to do with the 200+ people crammed into this awesome venue. I opened the show for 30 minutes and maybe 35 of the 150 people in the room (at 7:30) were there to see me. The other bands sold out of all their tickets and brought the big awesome crowd. The band that played after me pulled out a Nickelback cover; "Animals". Lyric Video Party!!!

   I genuinely thought they were joking at first! Then they played through the whole thing and everyone was singing along. I was slightly confused. Here I was as part of the first sold out show of my life, in the most thriving music scene in North America, and everyone was getting down to some Nickelback...

    It got me thinking. Maybe it isn't so much that Nickelback isn't cool, maybe ROCK MUSIC in general is no longer cool - everywhere but Columbus, OH!!! Nickelback is the biggest rock band of our time and it is cool to hate them. What is cool then? Nicki Minaj?? Lane Del Re?? Steve Aoki?? Game of Thrones?? I'm sorry Nickelback haters but if I had to choose a night of Game of Thrones or a Nickelback concert you might just catch me sticking a foot above a stadium crowd singing along to "How you Remind Me".

LYRIC PARTY: "Look at this Photograph!!" - Nickelback

    I've been to a Nickelback show and it was awesome! Bryan's actual cousin, Daniel Adair, is their current drummer and we went back in 2011 or something. It was an awesome show! I'd go again!

   Then it got me thinking back to perception. Is Nickelback just not my cup of tea because of the subjective ingredients (lyrics, performance, vocal/tone style, commercial structure)? Probably. I do like how polished their production is. Maybe people check out my music and think the same thing so they don't bother to come see it live. Then when they accidentally see my live show they're giving me the ol' "I'm not generally into that genre of music but I loved your set! Keep it up!" 

LYRIC PARTY:"THIS IS HOW! YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I REALLY AM!" - Relatable Nickelback lyrics :o

   Anyway, there's another blog that mentions Nickelback a bunch... Guess I'm just really a closet Nickelback fan! Chad Kroeger, sign my band!

I haven't had much time to write this week with the tour being so busy. The inbox and calendar are owning my life almost more than my excessive gear. 

That that sold out show at A&R was awesome. I wish I could play for that many people every night. I did lights for Black Coffee's set, too. I learned their new album/setlist on my long drives. It's pretty solid. Check it out here: 

BLACK COFFEE's NEW ALBUM

    I congratulated them and told them I enjoyed my many many listen-throughs and Ehab said something along the lines of "Thanks! I know, it's not really with the contemporary/mainstream"...So that too kind of inspired this blog. So you can thank Ehab, Nickelback (they're totally not Nickelback-y, more like if Led Zeplin had a kid with The Darkness...)

How good is this by the way: VIDEO PARTY:

....if you’re into that go buy Black Coffee’s new record.

Then I drove home Sunday and had a week of booking and video editing while watching my Maple Leafs get my hopes up once again. Next season will be better! So will my next blog!!!

Here’s a long podcast to make up for my two weeks of nothing:

There are some solid shows coming up this week. Check up on my insta/twitter to see how you can win tickets too! TONIGHT - St.Louis, MO @ Fubar - 8:00 set time, ALL AGES, $10 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/361308634360127 Thursday, May 10th - Memphis, TN @ Hi Tone - 9:30ish set time, 18+,  $5 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/1969577906705144/ Friday, May 11th - Nashville, TN @ Phat Bites (Amazing food) -  8:00 doors/ 9ish set time - All Ages , $5 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/2020957568144443/

Saturday, May 12th - Springfield, MO @ Outlands' Front of House - ALL AGES , $7 cover https://www.facebook.com/events/212996439451410/ Tuesday, May 15th - Norman, OK @ Red Brick Bar - 8:30 doors/10ish set time - 21 +, FREE SHOW https://www.facebook.com/events/568521663507443 Wednesday, May 16th - Amarillo, TX @ Leftwoods - 8:00 doors/set time, 21+, FREE SHOW Thursday, May 17th - Santa Fe, NM @ ACOUSTIC SET @ Cowgirl (amazing food) - 7:30 doors, 8:00 set time, ALL AGES, FREE SHOW (unbelievable food...seriously) Friday, May 18th - Albuquerque, NM @ Jam Spot - Doors at 6:30, 8:45 set time, ALL AGES, $10 tickets, $12 doors Tickets: https://www.ticketstorm.com/e/21145/t/https://www.facebook.com/events/385121958563821/ Saturday, May 19th - Colorado Springs, CO @ Triple Nickel - Doors at 8pm, 9:00 set time, 18+, $7 coverhttps://www.facebook.com/events/985147721649093 Wednesday, May 23rd - Denver, CO @ Lost Lake - Doors at 7:00, 9:30 set time, 18+ **But** all ages welcome with adult company, Tickets $8, Doors $10Tickets: https://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/1677879?utm_medium=ampOfficialEvent&utm_source=fbTfly

https://www.facebook.com/events/222640314958871 Thursday, May 24th - Boulder, CO @ ACOUSTIC at Illegal Pete's Pearl, 9:00 start, ALL AGES (awesome food) FREE SHOW

Friday, May 25th - Fort Collins, CO @ Aggie Theatre - Doors at 8pm, 9:45 set time, 18+, $10 Tickets**, $15 at the door  (FREE TICKET GIVEAWAY ON INSTAGRAM @rosedalemike)

Ticket link: http://ticketf.ly/2FZp97J

https://www.facebook.com/events/149017892592176/ Thanks!

[stevenstamkos]

Drouin and MacKinnon still have strong bond

There’s a funny video on YouTube from April 2013 of Nathan MacKinnon driving Halifax Mooseheads teammate Jonathan Drouin to practice during the Memorial Cup while they are both wearing full equipment, minus the skates.

“I don’t know what I’d do without Nathan,” Drouin says about his linemate and personal chauffeur, who would drive him to school each morning for 8:30 a.m. and also to team practices.

When asked when he might get his own driver’s license, Drouin says: “I’m still waiting for it. I like Nathan’s driving, so I’m just taking my time.”

The video was shot less than five years ago, but it must seem like a lifetime ago for the 22-year-olds who squared off Tuesday night at the Bell Centre with Drouin playing for the Canadiens and MacKinnon for the Colorado Avalanche.

“It was a fun thing,” Drouin said about the old video with MacKinnon after the Canadiens’ morning skate Tuesday in Brossard. “Looking back at the video, I can laugh at a lot of the stuff that was said. Those years in Halifax were pretty cool.”

They were also very good.

Drouin and MacKinnon were Mooseheads teammates for two years and during their final season together, 2012-13, they helped Halifax win the President’s Cup as QMJHL champions and the Memorial Cup as CHL champions. During the regular season, they combined for 180 points with Drouin posting 41-64-105 totals in 49 games, while MacKinnon had 32-43-75 totals in 44 games. MacKinnon was at centre and Drouin played left wing.

What made them click together?

“His speed and my vision … the way I move the puck and try and make plays,” Drouin said Tuesday morning. “He uses his speed to his advantage. He doesn’t need that much gap. Even if the defenceman was standing right beside him, there’s a good chance he would blow by him in junior. You still see it in the NHL once in a while when you watch TV. He’s got that speed to blow by you without even making a move. He’s such a powerful guy.”

MacKinnon is having a fantastic season, but Drouin got the upper hand on his friend Tuesday night, scoring a goal and adding two assists as the Canadiens beat the Avalanche 4-2. MacKinnon scored once for the Avalanche, giving him 24-36-60 totals for the season to move within one point of the Tampa Bay Lightning’s Nikita Kucherov (27-34-61) for the NHL lead in scoring. Things haven’t gone so well for Drouin, who has 7-18-25 totals and is minus-19 while learning to play centre in the NHL after the Canadiens acquired him from the Lightning last summer in exchange for defenceman Mikhail Sergachev. It’s interesting to note that on the night Drouin had his first three-point game with the Canadiens, Sergachev was made a healthy scratch for the Lightning’s 4-3 overtime win over the Nashville Predators.

Fans can only wonder what kind of season Drouin — and the Canadiens — might have had if he had a No. 1 centre similar to MacKinnon to play with instead of trying to learn that position himself.

The Avalanche came into Tuesday’s game on a 10-game winning streak and MacKinnon was the NHL’s leading scorer since Nov. 1 with 20-31-51 totals in 35 games. The Avalanche’s No. 1 line of MacKinnon between Gabriel Landeskog and Mikko Rantanen had combined for 52-71-123 totals in the last 36 games.

MacKinnon saw his nine-game point streak come to an end in a 4-2 win over the Maple Leafs Monday in Toronto. Landeskog scored the final goal into an empty net with MacKinnon wide open behind him.

“I would have given it to him, or I would have got a slash probably in the back of the legs before I put it in,” Drouin said with a laugh.

Is there anything Drouin can learn about playing centre from watching his old friend in action with the Avalanche?

“It’s hard to copy Nate,” Drouin said. “He’s such a powerful skater.”

The Avalanche selected MacKinnon with the No. 1 overall pick at the 2013 NHL Draft and the Lightning took Drouin with the No. 3 pick. They were interviewed together by TSN’s James Duthie at the draft and MacKinnon joked that when they faced off against each other in the NHL: “I’m going to try to take his knee out the first time I play him. We might drop the gloves. … No, it’s going to pretty cool. It’s going to be weird for sure.”

It was probably still weird when they squared off Tuesday night. With the Avalanche playing Monday in Toronto, Drouin and MacKinnon couldn’t get together for dinner that night, but they were hoping to hook up after Tuesday’s game.

“We talked yesterday,” Drouin said. “It kind of sucked that it was a back-to-back (for the Avalanche) so we couldn’t go for dinner and catch up on things. With his season and my season going on, we just try to keep it kind of low key. Once in a while I get updates on what’s going on on his side.

“Their team is doing well, he’s doing well,” Drouin added. “He’s a big part of their success. Their first line has been carrying that team a little bit the last couple of weeks. It’s nice to see, but hopefully it’s not his night tonight.”

This night belonged to Drouin. (x)

[gadgetgirl71]

Book Blitz:  Love in the City

Love in the City: Limited Edition Romantic Comedy Box Set Publication date: February 16th 2021 Genres: Adult, Comedy, Romance

Get ready for thirteen heart pounding and laugh out loud rom-coms from thirteen bestselling and award winning authors, including Amazon chart toppers and USA Today bestsellers. Filled with mystery, second chances, soulmates, brother’s best friends, bad boys, nobility, and the cute guy in the cubicle next to you, these stories will captivate you and leave you wishing for more. Download this limited edition box set while you can and indulge in these sweet and sexy leading men and strong and beautiful heroines while they fall in love in cities around the world. Sariah Wilson – All’s Fair in Love and War Becky Monson -The Love Potion Jennifer Peel – Love the One You’re With Kirsty Greenwood – Love Will Save the Day Whitney Dineen – Love for Sale Aven Ellis – Love, the Viscount, & Me Shari L. Tapscott – Little Lost Love Letter Lucy McConnell – Love: Going Up? Kate O’Keeffe – A Very English Love Story Erin Huss – Love, Lies, and Limo Rides Melissa Baldwin – Thanks for the Love Stephanie Fowers – Love at the Masquerade Kathryn R. Biel – Vision of Love

Goodreads / Amazon / Barnes & Noble / iBooks / Kobo

—

SNEAK PEEKS:

Love For Sale—Whitney Dineen

Even though I don’t devour Hollywood news like a sycophant starlet, I still know who Jonathan Silver is. He’s the head of Ravenswood Films, the movie studio that’s been churning out a crazy-long streak of award-winning films.

“Why does Jonathan Silver want to work with you?” Lucy demands. “And what in the world does he mean by, ‘ready to buy love? ’Are you a madame in disguise?” She sneers the last question in such a way as to suggest that’s the only way someone like Jonathan would choose to work with me.

No one in the office, except for Sky, knows about my talent for matching people to the house that will lead them to true love. It’s not something I advertise and my whole client base comes from word of mouth. One happy customer tells a friend, who tells her sister, and so on. Which leads me to believe that somebody in my Rolodex must know Jonathan Silver.

I smile at Lucy as sincerely as I can before answering, “I have no idea what he meant. I guess I should give him a call and find out.”

The throng around my desk eventually begins to disperse when they realize I’m not going to do that in front of them. The only person who doesn’t leave is my boss, Frederic. The smile on his face radiates nothing short of greed. I assume he’s salivating over the commission we’ll get from whatever house Jonathan buys.

He confirms my suspicions when he says, “Don’t sell him anything under twenty mil. I have four listings right now that you can choose from.”

“Frederic, Jonathan will make up his own mind about which house he wants. I’ll offer to show him your properties, but I can’t guarantee he’ll go for any of them.”

My boss shakes his bald head at me. Frederic looks like a villain from a Masterpiece Theatre show that takes place in Victorian London. He’s short, bald, has a pencil-thin mustache he actually waxes, and his eyes are too close together. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he had a rap sheet a mile long for offenses that include, but aren’t limited to, tying women to train tracks.

“I’m not kidding, Emily. I want you to sell him one of my listings.”

“I’m not kidding either, Frederic. I’ll do my best, but I make no promises.” My boss tolerates my non-deferential attitude, which is good because there’s no way I could fawn all over him like the other girls do. Chris Hemsworth, he’s not.

After Frederic stomps away, Sky scurries over and mouths, “OMG!” Then she leans in and whispers, “Let’s get out of here so we can talk.”

—

Love the One You’re With—Jennifer Peel

“You punched in the wrong code,” I whispered, a bit on edge. I mean, it wasn’t like I was getting ready to sneak into the home of one of the most recognizable women in the country right now. Okay, that was exactly what I was doing.

“Don’t get your panties in a wad, darlin’.” Dallas tried the code again to get into Vivian’s gated community. He had the fanciest car of anyone I knew—a Range Rover. And he was more than willing to help in the heist. Not only was he a troublemaker, but he was willing to do anything in the hope that Jake would move out of his place. I’d warned Dallas this was no guarantee that Jake and I were getting back together. In fact, I hadn’t even told Jake about the video yet. I thought maybe I should get the picture back first and then we should talk face-to-face.

“Don’t fuss at him,” Abs scolded me. “You’ll only make him nervous.”

I rolled my eyes. She was sitting in the front with Dallas, and the two had been flirting nonstop on the drive over here.

Dallas flashed Abs a devilish grin. “I’m excellent under pressure,” he drawled.

Even in the dark, I could see Abs blush. “Is that so? Would you like to prove that to me?”

Oh. My. Hello Kitty. I’d started saying that instead of hell when Maribelle was younger because there was nothing like your six-year-old telling your pastor that he gave a hell of a sermon. “Y’all, we are kind of in the middle of something important here. Can we push pause on the flirtation button?”

“I like the sound of pushing buttons,” Dallas said seductively. “Just tell me where.”

Abs giggled.

I threw up my hands and fell back against the seat. “I can’t deal with you two.”

Dallas turned around and pursed his lips together. “Now, darlin’, don’t go acting like someone licked the red off your candy. I got this under control.” Without looking, he reached out of the car window and punched in the code X had given me. The large wrought iron gate began to swing in, allowing us access to one of the glitziest neighborhoods in Nashville—Forest Hills.

“See, darlin’, I got this.”

I blew out a deep breath. I was glad someone had this under control. I didn’t know why I was doing this. If I wanted to, I could have had the picture reprinted and bought a new frame for Jake. It was just that something about Vivian got under my skin. The way she and the show’s producers manipulated those videos was wrong. They were intentionally hurting people’s lives. The lives I cared most about in the world—Maribelle’s and Jake’s. Even if Jake could be insensitive, I still loved the man. He was my first love, my only love.

—

The Love Potion – Excerpt by Becky Monson

It’s going to be a great day.

I believe this. I’m just having a bad moment. That’s all. One moment will not speak for an entire day.

“What’s that smell?” my coworker Josh asks as soon as he sees me. He’s sitting in his black, ergonomic work chair, leaning back, the cuffs of his pin-striped button-up dress shirt pulling taut as he folds his arms.

My heart is hammering in my head, my face feels flushed—even with the cool Phoenix morning—I’m sweating, my bangs are glued to my forehead with perspiration and my glasses are sliding down my nose. It could be this big chunky sweater I’m wearing. I grabbed it to put over my favorite navy dress with the white polka dots. Not even my favorite clothing item can save me from my current . . . predicament.

But it’s fine. It’s going to be fine. I push my large, blue-framed glasses up my nose—the ones my best friend Hazel calls “nerdy-cute”—and set my shoulders straight. Everything is all right. Good, even.

“Seriously, Ally, what is that?” Josh’s face is now scrunched, his light-brown eyes squinting. His extra thick brown hair styled in what can only be called a modern mullet. It’s tall and sort of unruly in the front, and the back is halfway down his neck, the ends curling just behind his ears. It’s the kind of hair that women would want to run their fingers through. I have, actually—I couldn’t help myself.

Josh Wise—never wrong, always wise. That’s how he introduced himself to me when I first started working with him. We were instant friends and not just the work kind. We spend plenty of nonworking time together, too. He’s part of my inner circle now, one of my favorite people.

“Is it bad?” I ask as I sit down in my chair at our shared workspace, the long, double-wide table where my team sits. I open the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet just under my space, putting my purse inside and shutting it with my red patent leather heel–clad foot. I wrap a hand around my long, dark-brown hair and pull it away from my neck, letting the cool air of the office hit it.

Josh crinkles his nose. “I mean . . . it’s not the worst thing I’ve smelled.” He waves his hand in front of his face, as if to ward off the offensive stink.

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[artificialqueens]

Elastic Heart - Part 2 (Branjie) - Mia Ugly

Out of drag, Brock feels smaller. Vulnerable.  He knows he’s still a giant Canadian, but without Brooke’s stilettos and hip-pads he almost feels fragile.  Maybe fragile isn’t the right word, maybe it’s - ordinary.  He goes jogging along Cumberland River and no one notices him. He wears grey sweatpants and Tragically Hip t-shirts like camouflage and blends into whatever setting he’s in. He’s like wallpaper sometimes. People look right past him.

No one looks past Brooke Lynn.  They wouldn’t dare.

Not that he can’t turn a look when he wants to. When his friends drag him out to a club, he can usually find someone who isn’t too intimidated to pick him up, take him home.  He likes being anonymous sometimes (that probably sounds ungrateful, and God help him he never wants this ride to end, but he doesn’t always have the energy to be Brooke Lynn. Especially on his nights off.) 

Back in Nashville he texts Nina every time a new episode drops.  He forces himself to watch each one in public, in a crowded bar or group of noisy friends, sometimes he even hosts the damn watch-party.  At least with people on all sides of him (arms around him, buying him shots, hands on his back) he can’t fuck off without reason.  Can’t run out into the streets or scream without someone coming after him, making sure he’s okay.  So it’s better to do the watch-party thing.  Safer, at least.

“Your fucking face,” he texts Nina during the Monster’s Bal episodel.  On the flat-screen above the bar, Nina’s just taken off her mask and is grinning horrifically at the camera.

“Your fucking mom,” Nina texts back.  Class act, that one.

“Tell me you aren’t actually selling Branjie hats,” she adds a few seconds later. 

Brock shuts his eyes, swallows. His hands don’t shake as he texts back.

“4 charity u want 1?” 

Nina sends him a series of emojis that are just indecipherable enough to be insulting.  And maybe the hats were a cynical move but the proceeds really are going to charity.  It was all Brock’s agent’s idea, and they ran it by Vanessa of course but - the worst part is that Brock’s actually getting some fucked-up kind of relief from it.  From the people online who think the whole sad story was a publicity stunt.  It’s like, fine, that’s all it was, here’s a fucking hat.  You wanna buy a piece of our relationship? We accept Paypal. 

It’s easier to think about it this way, then - the other way. His hand on Vanessa’s chest, heartbeat singing warm and low beneath Brock’s palm.  That harsh, rowdy laugh across the werkroom, making Brock laugh in return no matter what he was doing, and then blush with embarrassment.

(“I’m your jush, hey?”Lips close to Vanjie’s ear, arms draped over her shoulders.

“Aw, bitch, what you want me to say?” Vanessa’s focused on her sewing, but she still gives a cautious glance upwards, smiling with the corners of her mouth. “You need a ring or some shit?”)

That line becomes a bit of a joke between them, though it hasn’t shown up in the episodes yet - and if there’s any justice in the universe it never will.

(“You need a ring or some shit?” after Vanjie wins a mini-challenge, reaching out for a hand to hold.

“You need a ring or some shit?” after Vanjie lip-synchs for her life and throws her arms around Brooke as soon as they’re off-stage, away from the judges and the harsh white lights, smelling like sweat and hairspray and baby powder and -)

Stop.

If Brock ever hears that question edited dramatically into a confessional, he might break a television with his knuckles.  

At the very least, throw a high-heel.

“Are you okay?” Nina texts, too high-achieving for slang or abbreviations.  She even uses punctuation like some sort of monster.

Brock puts his phone down, lets the drama play out on screen for once. Nina doesn’t need a response to the question.  She already knows the answer.

* * *

The first time they kiss, the cameras are not on them. 

Brooke wouldn’t have done that, wouldn’t have wanted to make it something sensational.  She knows there’s a limit to how cuddly they can be before the editors start building a story out of it, putting pieces together that will inevitably lead to some awful climax and a lot of think-pieces on Vulture. It’s best to keep - whatever it is behind Vanjie’s dark eyes - under wraps.

They’ve been trading glances across the werkroom but Brooke tells herself it doesn’t mean anything special. Vanjie is a legend, a rock star, and even though Brooke slays the first runway challenge (all hail Detox, Patron Saint of Latex, hallowed be Thy name) it doesn’t make her think she’s earned any extra notice from the other queens. Maybe a couple of shady glances here and there, but that’s to be expected.

And if she looks a bit too long at Vanessa Vanjie Mateo (all wrapped up in red silk, the sticky-sweet colour of maraschino cherries and candied apples) no one’s going to notice.  Vanjie’s fine as hell in and out of drag; you’d have to be blind not to stare at her.  

Brooke’s clearly only fooling herself because that first night (the fucking first night!) A’Keria slides up beside Brooke in line for craft services, pursing her lips.

“Oooh girl, you be careful.” 

“Why?” Brooke grabs some salad before it runs out. Fuck knows the P.A.s won’t order more of it. 

“Play innocent all you like, but I see you lookin’. Don’t be stupid, now.” A’Keria is too smart for her own good, and too damn cool to be chatting with Brooke over paper plates full of iceberg lettuce. “Any of those producers catch you, they’re gonna be all over it, know what I’m sayin’?”

“I don’t,” Brooke Lynn says, and A’Keria rolls her eyes. 

But Brooke knew.  And she really should have listened.

It’s after the “What’s Your Sign” runway (which Vanjie stomps like she owns it, dripping with red roses and a goddamn Libra, Jesus Christ - Brooke’s so predictable.) 

She takes off her paint and sneaks outside for a smoke break before the producers come to round them all up, pack ‘em into the van back to the hotel.  No one follows her.  The cameras usually leave a queen alone if she’s by herself (not enough drama to waste the film) and Brooke hurries to take advantage of that fact. 

The smoking area is just a nasty little square of pavement with a couple of chairs and an ashtray, but it’s quiet and Brooke can almost see the stars.  For a few moments she’s completely alone and after the chaos of shooting for sixteen hours – it’s nice.  Nice to not have to be “on.” Nice to just be.

And then the door creaks as it opens, and out walks Vanjie.  Back in boy clothes, but still a bit glittery.

“Hello, hello, hello Miss Brooke Lynn.”

Brooke exhales a laugh that tastes like ashes. “You don’t smoke.”

“Nah.” Vanjie sits down on a chair across from her. “But those girls take forever, I’m growing old watching them. Look, baby, I got wrinkles.” She turns her head from side to side, gesturing to (non-existent) lines at the corners of her eyes. 

Brooke wants to tell her she looks perfect, flawless, untouchable.  But she doesn’t. Instead she sucks on her cigarette, tells herself to be cool (for once.) “You were so good in the challenge. It was amazing.”

“I’m not a regular dad, I’m a cool dad.” Vanjie tugs at the shoulder of her hoodie with that low, rasping laugh of hers. “You weren’t so bad neither.”

Brooke shakes her head, old enough to know bullshit when she hears it. “Don’t even.  That voice - that whole character was a mistake.”

“Haha, well.  It was a choice, bitch, a choice. Good thing you turned it out on the runway.” Vanjie tilts her head back, looking up into the dark. “Hey, I can almost see stars. That’s a star, right?”

Brooke follows Vanjie’s pointing hand, but can’t make anything out besides smog.  She closes her eyes instead of looking at her any longer (sometimes looking at Vanessa is easy and sweet as breathing, and sometimes it’s like holding the palm of your hand over a candle) and thinks of how far away from home she is. Old homes, and new ones, and all the places in between that felt like home at the time. She thinks of how long it’s been since she’s seen winter, the sky going grey-gold with falling snow.

When Brooke opens her eyes, Vanjie’s watching her.

“Don’t go getting down on yourself, Miss Brooke Lynn,” she says. “Mama Ru will clock that self-doubt and come after you. She eats. That. Shit. Up.”

“Right. Jesus, you’re right.” Brooke concentrates on the glowing ember at the tip of her cigarette, and not the way the dim lights catch Vanjie’s cheekbones. “Anyway, how are you holding up? Feel different than last season?”

“Since it’s been a minute and I’m still here? Fuck yeah it feels different. Ha!” All the teasing electricity in her eyes goes soft, and Vanjie’s quiet for a moment. A smudge of glitter still sparkles at the hollow of her throat. “Shit, I can’t believe I’m back.  That they let me come back.  Shit.” 

“Fans would have rioted if they didn’t bring you back.” Brooke fills the air with smoke as she breathes.  “I certainly would have.”

“Yeah?” Vanjie raises an eyebrow. “Maybe I should start smoking, since y’all making it look so good. Sitting out here in the dark like a tall glass of Clearly Canadian.”

“I don’t think they even make that any more.”

“Know your history, bitch.”

Brooke laughs again, helpless in the face of so much charm. “You know you have glitter on you? Your neck. Just -”

She reaches out to wipe it away, but before she can make contact with skin, Vanjie’s hand catches hers. Holds. 

Brooke doesn’t move.  She isn’t generally a reckless person - she’s poised, efficient, ruthless. (She wants all those things to be true. She wants to be smarter than this. She wants to feel the pulse point beating in Vanjie’s wrist like a metronome.  She wants -) 

“Shoulda known you’d be a Pisces,” Vanjie says before she kisses her. 

(As kisses go - it’s in the Top Three of Brooke’s life.

Number One: hasn’t happened yet. That’ll come later, violins and roses and all that shit, payoff worth the wait and then some. 

Number Two: her first kiss.  First with a boy anyway - drunk and seventeen and gasping with the realization that she could have this. This was okay.  It was okay.

Number Three is Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, tasting like mint and still glittery, hand clutching tight to Brooke’s (who isn’t shaking, she isn’t.)  There’s a hint of tongue at the corner of her mouth, and it’s all Brooke can do not to clutch fistfuls of that hoodie and drag Vanjie against her.  Hold her tight.  Keep her close.  Brooke doesn’t know how she’ll ever manage to pry her hands away.)

Then the door creaks as it opens. 

Brooke has just enough self-control to pull back before Yvie’s coming out, digging into the pockets of her skinny jeans for a lighter and scowling.

Not looking up.  Not looking at them.

“We’ve apparently got five minutes to get to the van.  Christ, that paint did not want to come - oh.” She glances up. “Didn’t know you smoked, Vee.”

And Vanjie grins, showing the white of her teeth (“Ain’t I full of surprises, bitch?”) and Brooke swan-dives to the pavement, through the ground, clean through the centre of the earth. 

She was already half-way there, but fuck her life: she falls.