#needingmore

[itsmetonyamarie-blog]

I don't even know him. No one can compete with my imagination. But it would be nice to find someone who would really try and make me not want to retreat back into myself. I'm not asking for perfection. Just perfect for me. . #infp #infppersonality #introvert #infprelatable #empath #personalitytypes #meyersbriggs #infplife #intuitive #infpproblems #introverted #cancerzodiac #cancer♋️ #infpwoman #introvertgirl #infpgirl #wantingmore #needingmore #alwayssearching #foreverwandering #restless #wanderer #writer #dreamer #themindofawriter #myimagination https://www.instagram.com/p/BtG-9YpFqHy/?igshid=1irkbf2kg5may

[divinelydivorced]

Moms

Last night I awoke, sweaty and sobbing, from a terrible dream.  In it, my mom had Alzheimer’s.  We were the age we are now and she was living with me.  There were times when she had these perfect moments of clarity and the sense of overwhelming relief to have her back for even just a few moments, was incredible.  She’d look at me, say my name, and follow it with something perfectly relevant.  I’d laugh and cry, hug her-all to her shock and dismay.  I’d say, “I didn’t think I’d ever get you back again.”  Then, moments later, she was gone once more.  

In the dream, time passed quickly and soon I’d see us months later.  At one point, she was roaming around the house while I was trying to get her attention. She turned and looked at me, this vacant gaze in her eyes.   She didn’t recognize me and looked so lost. She sunk onto the couch, taking it all in, and I knelt at her feet.  I held her hand and cried, “Please, please come back.  Don’t leave me.  Please, not yet.  You’re all I have left.  When you leave, I’ll be all alone.  Please, mom, please, come back.”  But she was so far gone at that point.  I felt such a sense of emptiness and longing.  How was this woman in front of me and I could hold her, yet she was so far away and would never return?  In the dream, I remember comparing it to losing my sister.  I’d never get to see my sister again.  Was it better that way?  Better to be gone all together than be physically present but no longer my sister, or in this case, my mother?

It was such a real dream that when I awoke, it took everything in me to keep repeating to myself that it was pretend, something my mind created.  As I lay there, soaked in sweat and tears, I tried to resist calling my mom.  It was 2:30 in the morning.  But all I could think is one day, hopefully decades from now, she would be gone-it wouldn’t be a dream.  And in that moment, I would always think back to this night, knowing I missed her, needed to hear her voice, and that I chose not to call her…and I would regret it.  Because it wouldn’t always be an option.  

So, I called.  She immediately answered, as all moms do.  She sounded so alert-as if it was 2:30 in the afternoon, not the morning. When she heard me crying, her voice softened, asking what was wrong.  I told her about the dream and how I just needed to hear her voice.  She assured me she was fine and then, as all moms do, got to the root of the problem by asking, “Now, honey, what’s really bothering you that made you have that dream?”  This made me cry more because my mom always knows me better than I know myself.  I told her about boys, about financial fears, and overall bad days.  She said everything a mom knows how to say to stop her daughter from crying and making sure she gets the good night’s sleep she needs.  I was glad I called and knew if I hadn’t, she would have reprimanded me when I told her about it the next day.  Because those twenty minutes are what my mom-and all moms-live for…to be needed by her child…to be the only one who can pick up the pieces.

It reminded me of struggling mothers everywhere. Single moms, married moms, divorced moms.  Lonely moms, busy moms.  Working office moms, working at home moms.  Moms everywhere.  The most selfless job you can have.

So, to all of you moms out there who are dealing with moody teenagers slamming doors, toddlers who scream and kick, kids who swear they don’t love you, babies who won’t sleep, and adult children who forget to call…I’m sorry we put you through all that.  But know, when you’re up all night crying and worrying, when you feel guilty for not doing more, and when you think you’ve failed us, you are and always will be our most favorite person.  And, even at age 36, at 2:30 in the morning, you will be the only person in the entire world who can make us feel better.  We will always call because we know you will always answer.

[wineanddrama]

[charlottesfantasia-blog]

Day 1

I’m on spring break and I just keep tumbling forward realizing that I hate the life that I have created for myself, I hate the people that I surround myself with. I get to leave my school soon and I just can’t wait to get out of there, they all act like snobs and I am fed up. I hate Emma, my best friend, and I can’t wait until the day I get to leave and show them all how I tricked them into thinking that I loved them all. I could write seven page papers on all the things they do wrong and how I never will see them again. I also hate Logan. I am supposed to be in love with Logan. People always tell me how they’re so jealous of what we are and how we’re so cute together. He’s an honest asshole and I am so tired of protecting their feelings when my feelings are being crumpled up inside by their thoughtless words and actions. I can’t wait for them to follow my social media and see how much I've “changed” even though I have only changed for them, I have been the same person this entire time. I am just waiting for the plot twist. Until next time.

Love your souls,

Charlotte

[axelbrunstphoto]

You can't watch enough sunrises in you life. #notsominimalist #needingmore // More like this: http://ift.tt/2hk18j8

[thewerewolf]

Lost a few pounds.. What if I stay like this or go big? Uhm #selfie #gettingfit #needingmore #me #istillfeelfat #killme #2014nopodraconmigo