#neil and andrew are emotionally constipated little shits

[antheiasvase]

Andreil says the big L ;)

ALSO POSTED ON AO3!! (link below)

It's quiet. It's always quiet these days. So serene it's almost sickening, like an unfinished peach pit sinking slow to the bottom of his stomach. 

He stares out of the rain soaked window, book dipping downwards in his lazy hands. His fingers itch for something to do, picking at the pages, flicking at his fraying sweater, teasing at the tags of his cushions. 

He's restless, he knows. He's waiting. For something, anything. A declaration, a speech, a symphony. Just something. He's tired of the known. So used to spending his days in a haze, the clarity of his mind leaves him dizzy and desperate for anything to dull down his nerves. 

His phone begins to ring, an annoying screeching sound playing the chorus of Lover, You Should've Come Over, in an awkward stilted way. He knows who it is, he remembers when they had painstakingly figured out how to program it, the phone clunky an awkward in his bandaged hands. Andrew had laughed then, a small huff, when he had excitedly called him, so pleased, like the cat who got the cream, when he had finally figured it out. 

That was before all the travelling, the distance, the gap that felt unreachable between two souls which had once known each other so deeply but now could barely stand to speak a few words before descending swiftly into silence. 

Despite knowing how this conversation would go, Andrew still reached out, still desperate to hear his voice, desperate for his laugh, desperate for the minute escape from the sickening quiet of his empty apartment, desperate for the comforting silence from his lover. 

He couldn't do without it. 

"Neil," He breathed when he picked up, clutching the phone in both hands. 

He heard the hitched breath on the other line, before they spoke, "Andrew," He whispered, he sounded like he was hunched over the the phone. Andrew could imagine him, curled close, under his covers which were pulled over his crimson curls, providing a cocoon of privacy for their conversation. 

"I've missed you," Neil said, he sounded quiet, oh so quiet. A whisper on the breeze of life. 

"As you should," Andrew lightly teased, immediately regretting the words as they slipped, unprompted from his tongue, wishing he could swallow them back and replace them with something much sweeter, dripping, 'I missed you too,'s like syrup from his lips. 

Syrup slow, and tense silence expanded and made herself comfortable following his comment. 

Neil hesitated, but laughed softly, despite this Andrew could hear him swallow. Andrew wished he could see him, he could always read his expression, and understand, but over the phone, it was as if a brick wall had been built up slowly between the two, and despite his shattered bones and bruised knuckles, Andrew wasn't able to punch through the wall. 

Andrew cleared his throat, "I do too. Miss you. That is," It sounded awkward and uncomfortable, and mentally Andrew berated himself. 

"I know that," Neil said, this time, Andrew could detect some form of pleasure in his tone, pleased that Andrew missed him too, as if Andrew could not miss him. Andrew missed him in every moment apart, every breath he breathed that was not mingled with Neil's own exhaled sigh, every cigarette he smoked not lit by Neil's spare lighter, every exy game he couldn't look to Neil and smile triumphantly as Neil cheered at their win. 

"You should," Andrew said, softly, his voice barely louder than a whisper. He heard Neil move slightly on the other side of the call, as if he flipped onto his back to stare at the ceiling.

"Yeah," Neil muttered back, and Andrew clenched his eyes shut, so tight spots danced like every memory he has ever had with Neil in his vision. They flitted through his brain like a slideshow, up until when Andrew left for the true adult life of taxes and jobs and the slide show slowed to split seconds, stolen at airports, mere hours in between practices, budget airlines, and clenched fists on arm rests.

"I-" Neil faltered, and sighed, "Never-mind,"

Andrew picked up where he left the tentative attempt at a conversation, "How was practice?" While he loathed exy, in its every inexcusable shape and form, it was safe. A blanket that Neil could cover himself with and talk about till even he tired from the topic.

He could feel Neil grin, "It was good, uh, the newer kids are still shy, surprisingly, a few stand out but most are quite secluded. It's just me and Robin left, from the old foxes you know, and we're keeping the team together quite splendidly, I think Robin is a little sad, considering the year is almost over for me, but Wymack told me that he's officially upgrading her to Team Captain next year. I thought it was obvious, but he said, considering Robin's character, he figured she'd prefer some official confirmation," Neil rambled.

"He would be right," Andrew interjected, he leaned onto the couch, arm resting on the back.

"I suppose," Neil said, "Either way, there's nothing really interesting going on here, preparing for the finals, and such."

"You prepared well?" Andrew asked, toying once again with a thread from his top.

"Somewhat, we'll see how it goes. It's not like I'll do anything with this degree so I'm not all too worried,"

"Been scouted yet?" Andrew said, he could feel the mood slip slightly in the call, but he bit his lip and waited for Neil's answer.

"A few offers, here and there," Neil said vaguely, "I'm going out to check out a potential team in the weekend. I'm not sure yet, but it might be it,"

Andrew felt a tightness begin to coil at the base of his ribs. He could already see how it would play out, Neil would move, far and far and farther away and soon the phone calls will dwindle to a text every two weeks.

"That's good," Andrew muttered, clenching his fist tightly around a poor defenceless cushion.

"Yes," Neil said, somewhat hesitantly, "It's good,"

Silence fell once again. As expected.

"Neil-" Andrew began to say.

"I have to go," Neil suddenly interrupted, "I just heard a crash from Robin's room," The phone call ended, abruptly and on time with the dread that poured out of every pore in Andrew's body.

⭐️

Saturday practices were the worst, Andrew determined as he trudged across the field, heading back to the locker rooms. He felt disgusting, sweaty and gross, the strikers had been eager to prove themselves, some rumours had been circulating about upcoming transfers in the next season and as it was already confirmed that one of their senior strikers was retiring, the subs were desperate to show that they were ready to take on the tasking position.

Andrew wished they had gone a little easier. He hadn't slept since Neil and his call, and he'd been too apprehensive to call back afterwards. His whole body felt muted, and slow, like a mound of rotting flesh piled on top of his cracking and badly taped together skeleton. He sighed. He did that a lot lately.

"Minyard," He heard their coach call out to him, "Join me in my office for a second," For a moment Andrew considered turning away and going to shower instead, but in a rare display of obedience he found himself walking towards their coach's office. She was a harsh woman, with an even harsher last name to fit the bill, Coach Sauvage, Neil had thought it hilarious when Andrew first told him, as he stumbled over the pronunciation. She was half French and tended to cuss her team out in the vicious language when they pissed her off with their idiocy.

Andrew stepped in, glad for the air-conditioning, it was boiling hot outside. She sat down at her desk, her hands folded neatly over one another, and she pointed her fierce look upon him.

"You may sit," She said gesturing to the plastic chair across her desk. Andrew sat and began unstrapping his protective gear and dropping it to the floor as she began to speak.

"As you know, Richie is retiring out this season, and the role will be filled with one of the strikers we have, however this will leave an empty place in our striker roster. I was more interested in having some new blood contracted, rather than transfer in a more experienced player. However, in this special case, I felt it was more important to speak with you first." She paused and stared at him.

Andrew stared back, thinking about the relieving shower he would have after this dull conversation was over. "How exactly does this pertain to me?" He asked, she seemed amused at his question.

"I'm thinking of contracting Neil Josten, an old teammate of yours from college." She said. Andrew sat up a tad straighter, his eyes slightly wide. He thought back to his conversation with Neil,

I'm going out to check out a potential team in the weekend. I'm not sure yet, but it might be it.

"I know you two had some sort of rivalry back in college, so I need to know if this will or won't mess up the climate in the team. So far you've adjusted well, and I was hoping we could keep you for a while longer. That's why I first wanted to make sure you were okay with this. I would like to remind you however, you should perceive this as more of a fore-warning as it is very unlikely, unless under some extreme circumstance, that my mind will be changed if you happen to make an argument as to why he should not join the team," She said.

"He's here?" Andrew said instead,

"He arrived a few hours ago to watch practice, as it is most likely he will be signed I wanted him to meet the team,"

Andrew stood, abandoning his gear and rushing out of the office, he heard some loud conversation coming from the locker rooms and headed that way, knowing that Neil would most likely be there.

He banged open the door, and there he was. He was standing by the benches, speaking with Richie the retiring striker.

"Josten," He said, he knew he stumbled over the word in his rush to get Neil to notice him. He felt a light flush rise to his ears.

"Andrew," Neil said, taking a few steps towards him. Andrew met him halfway, and in front of the eyes of his entire team he pulled Neil, his Neil, his Junkie, into a tight hug. Neil seemed to sigh into the contact, sagging into his arms, like a lax puppet on strings.

"I missed you, I missed you," Andrew mumbled into his hair, quiet as a church mouse, solemn as a hymn, sincere as a prayer.

"I know," Neil whisper back, one hand twisted into the nape of Andrew's neck, his blonde hair tugged so tight it almost burned, the other curled into the small of his back.

He heard someone drop something to the ground in the background, and he almost jumped back from Neil, instantly aware like a rush of sound, that the entire team had just witnessed that act of passion.

"So," Richie said, biting the inside of his cheek, "That just happened," Neil laughed uncomfortably, but didn't step too far away from Andrew.

"I supposed that's confirmation that you have no issue with Josten joining the team," Andrew heard Coach Sauvage comment from the doorway.

Neil hung his head in embarrassment, but Andrew could smiled, a small one, simple and discreet. Sauvage took a note in her clipboard and said, "All right you losers, clear out and rest up, I'll see you all back here on Monday," She tapped her pen against her clipboard in an air of finality and swiftly turned and left the locker rooms, leaving her bewildered teammates and a love struck couple behind.

When she left, Andrew tugged on Neils arm, "Let's go," He said. Neil nodded, and waved a quick goodbye to their teammates and they followed Sauvage's quick getaway.

Andrew dragged Neil to the car, and pressed him up against the cool metal, it was dark out, and quiet, but this time, it was just them and the moon and stars as their witness.

Andrew tipped his forehead against Neil's, and breathed, he could feel Neil's own exhales puffing against his lips, and he revelled in the mingled air he breathed in.

"Andrew," Neil said softly, lifting his hand up and twisting his fingers into the back of Andrew's hair.

"I know," Andrew muttered, not exactly sure what he knew, just that he knew that this moment was perfect, and belonged to them.

Neil huffed a laugh, and Andrew silenced it by pressing his lips against Neil's soft and gentle, cupping Neil's face in his palms, as he tried to express what he felt without words. Neil responded in kind, and he could feel him slightly grin against his lips. With that smile, Andrew felt the words, sizzle up, saccharine and sweet, resting just behind his teeth, and pushing through the slit of his lips. He leaned back just slightly, Neil attempting to chase his lips, before Andrew spoke.

"I love you," He whispered. Neil froze between his hands, his eyes wide and almost glassy.

"Yeah?" Neil said, his voice watery.

"Yeah," Andrew said, rubbing his thumb over Neil's cheek, covering his twisted circle scars with the shield of his thumb.

"I love you too," Neil said, blinking rapidly after he said it.

"I know," Andrew teased, and this time it felt right.

Neil laughed, and it filled the quiet night and Andrew held him close, his arms finally feeling full again.

Me while writing this ^

But jokes aside, I did write this with an impending deadline, a huge art history paper I have to hand in in 40 minuted, with only 90 of the 1500 words written. Well. I felt at the time this was more important. I'm probably going to eat those words in a few. BUT you know, when inspiration strikes, you must grasp it with both hands and get to work, because inspiration is not a frequent visitor. I might post this to ao3 when I finish my project ;) I hope this was enjoyable and nice to read. I KNOW it was kinda angsty at the start but I hope the end makes up for it :))))

LINK FOR AO3 :)))

[likearecordbb]

about your post on the recent discourse...

it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.

i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.

there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)

idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.

it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.

people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.

and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.

there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.

You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.

However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.

I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.

So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?

One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?

Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.

Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.

If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.

[honestlyzenoouh]

The Friendship I never knew I needed

Okay, new headcanon time because I read a post about Aaron and Neil begrudging friendship, and now this thing won’t leave my brain. It sorta grew legs and kept on going, sorry. Featuring twinyard forced bonding, Neil being an asshole and Katelyn being sneaky.

Okay, so we know that Neil doesn’t really care for Katelyn. But like, sometime in Neil’s 3’rd year and the girls have left him he shows up to one of his maths classes and like, Katelyn is there??

Katelyn is super smart as well as athletic, the whole deal. And one time one of her TA’s were like, okay this class might actually challenge you, but won’t take up all of your time. Might be fun.

And Katelyn is like, alright imma try.

The first two weeks Katelyn doesn’t even notice she shares the class with Neil, it is that big.

When she does though, it’s because the professor is writing a thing on the board (it’s early, I don’t wanna do actual maths rn), slightly incorrect, and she really wants to point it out, but also doesn’t wanna be rude and affect her grade.

Neil doesn’t have such worries and just sorta not quite yell but loudly points it out... might’ve used a cuss word or two as well, whoops

Katelyn was like thank god someone said something, she was sat clinching all muscles not to say anything.

Then she clocks who said it and was like, huh, I might do something about this. He is someday gonna be my family so might as well start wearing him down now, instead of later.

Also, perfect excuse to actually start up a conversation, sharing a class.

So a couple of weeks after that, when Katelyn has had some time to think, and Neil thinks he’s safe, she strikes.

They are appointed some homework, and she has positioned herself so she can see Neils face in the lecture hall (without it being obvious) and Neil’s eyebrow pinch the tiniest bit together. Now is the time.

She gently approaches him a little sheepish, “could we maybe form a little study group for this class? I don’t really know anyone here, and I don’t really understand the concept for this bit”

Neil, a little suspicious but also completely lost on this subject “would you be able to meet in the library on Tuesdays at 4?”

She says yes of course and dances a bit internally.

The first like, 3 study sessions are completely awkward and stilted, but somehow they work really well together academically? Who knew?

It’s in the fourth meet-up that the ice breaks. Katelyn arrives a bit winded, with a half of cup of coffee and just starts to enthusiastically rant about this complete asshole who cut in line at the coffee place, and then the girl who tripped her on the way into the building but wouldn’t apologize and they got in an argument and then so on about every bad thing for the past week

And Neil is just hooked on her rant. He is reminded a bit of Dan and her ranting about sexist assholes in sports and he really misses her, but why should that stop him from making new friends?

So he stops fighting it and actually talks to the girl. Turns out, they have a lot in common. Including complaining about their significant Minyard. They love them, but oh my lord are they petty and annoying.

From there on out, Tuesdays becomes their hang out day. Even when the semesters over and they don’t have that class anymore. Just Katelyn and Neil becoming unlikely best friends (sorry Matt, it wasn’t on purpose), and telling each other everything. She is the first one outside of the foxes to see his scars.

She didn’t flinch. But she quietly seethes for days afterwards. Aaron tipped him off by complaining about Katelyns bad mood to Kevin (not that he cared) and he overheard it. They had a talk and only grew tighter.

Fast forward like, a year and a half, and Aaron really wanna meet this person. And Katelyn really wants her bf and bff to have a bond as well, but considering all of the bitching she hears about Josten this and Josten that, she had taking to keep referring to Neil as that person I meet in this class, or her nickname for Neil (it’s buggy, because he keeps on bugging her with more maths) to keep the peace.

Also, gender-neutral terms to keep the jealousy at bay. He’s not that bad, but better safe than sorry. Neil means a lot to her now.

But finally she snaps; “fine, you can meet buggy. But only if they agree to meet you too”

“Why wouldn’t they agree to meet your boyfriend?”

“You’re annoying, and I complain about you a lot.”

“You what?”

Anywayyyys.

Neil of course agrees, but only if he can bring Andrew as well. “He’ll play nice, I promise! No knives or hairpulling”

Aaron is really excited to finally meet Buggy. They really mean a lot to Katelyn and makes her happy. And who makes her happy, make him happy too

Andrew is very curious about Neil’s supposed new best friend. Turns out, Neil also hasn’t disclosed exactly who it is, but Andrew hasn’t outright asked him about it so.. It’s his own fault, really

The meeting goes a little like this:

Neil and Katelyn is at their weekly hangout, this time at a coffee shop around campus, and both text their S.M(significant Minyard) where to meet up. Andrew arrives first and just stands in the doorway when he catches sight of the twin redheads sitting and laughing about something. Neither has noticed him yet

Debating just walking out again, he hears a soft but earnest “are you fucking kidding me”

Turns out Aaron was just as surprised and lowkey mindfucked. They catch each other’s eyes and have their first mental conversation

“Well shit, now we have get along with each other’s S.R’s (significant redhead). Also did you know? No? Thank god I wasn’t the only one”

Katelyn turns around as her Aaron senses has gone off, and spies the twins just looking at each other totally defeated. Then turning to Neil like,

“Did you not tell Andrew about me? Because he is doing the same face Aaron is currently doing, and I didn’t tell him exactly who he was meeting today other than my best friend”

“Whoops, might’ve forgotten. They look kinda emotionally constipated... For how long do you think Aaron is gonna complain about it’s me?”

“Two weeks at least, how about Andrew with me?”

“He’s just gonna passive aggressively stare at me with snide comments every now and then until I buy him a tub of ice cream in apology. I give it 6 months for Aaron to laugh at I joke I made without making that face afterwards”

“You’re on, it’s gonna take him 9 at least”

It took 5 and a half months, and 2 years for Katelyn to get Andrew to huff his version of a laugh at all.

Just, Neil and Katelyn being besties and forcing the twinyards to accept and maybe even like each others S.R’s whilst also getting a better relationship out of it. Also; Aaron is now cursed into saying buggy instead of Josten or Neil, and he hates it. Until he doesn’t of course.