#nick is going to eat up this role sooooo much

[yrsonpurpose]

NICHOLAS GALITZINE as GEORGE VILLIERS Mary & George // Official Trailer

[pathetic-at-the-disco]

The Tragic Love Life of Ryan Ross: Part 3 (Masterpost)

(Continued from Parts 1 and 2; click here to see all)

So, you may have heard about Keltie Colleen.

There is a lot of discourse on the Internet about the unfortunate former relationship between Ryan Ross and Keltie Colleen (now known as Keltie Knight), largely because of Keltie’s tell-all book, Rockettes, Rockstars, and Rockbottom, which she released only a year after their breakup. Is Ryan a terrible person? Is Keltie a terrible person? Who cheated on who? How does the Young Veins’ music play into everything? What about Ryan’s 21st birthday party? Who is really the victim here?

Let’s dive right in, shall we?

(Warning: Extremely long post ahead. Viewer discretion is advised.)

It’s late August in 2006. Panic! at the Disco’s hit single ”I Write Sins, Not Tragedies” has been nominated for several awards---Best Group Video, Best New Artist in a Video, Best Rock Video, Best Art Direction in a Video, and most impressively Video of the Year---at the MTV Video Music Awards. They are also scheduled to perform the song live as part of the show.

Keltie Colleen, a 24-year-old Canadian professional dancer, lands a coveted role as a backup dancer for a band that she has never heard of at the VMAs.

A few days before the show, all of the dancers have a rehearsal with the band present, as immortalized in this video:

Keltie is the blonde dancer who starts talking at around 1:30.

This episode is also immortalized in Keltie’s book, Rockettes, Rockstars, and Rockbottom (referenced from now on as RRR):

“A few days before the show, the band came to Chelsea Studios and watched us rehearse. The lead singer’s pants were tight and he wore Reebok high-top sneakers, while the other three wore fancy, pointed-toe Beatle boots. They all looked about 14 years old, nervous to be a few feet away from the sexy dancers romping around to their music. They drank Starbucks on the floor while managers and bodyguards whizzed around them. Apparently, they were the new hot thing and everyone cared. I still hadn’t heard of them but exclaimed enthusiastically to an MTV cameraman that I was ‘sooooo excited’ to be dancing for them.” (RRR, p92)

One of the band members, the nearly 20-year-old Ryan Ross, was captivated by something in Keltie’s smile, and he had his band manager invite her to the VMA after party to get to know each other better. This first meeting at the dance rehearsal was also mentioned in Keltie’s 2009 interview with Dance Spirit magazine:

The couple met when Keltie was a backup dancer for the group at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards. “We were at rehearsal, and the band came to see the routine. This one guy was staring at me. It was awkward!” she says. (“For some reason she was the only one I even saw,” Ryan says. “Maybe it was her smile. Something caught my eye—and still does.”)

The VMA performance went off without a hitch, except for Brendon’s shaky vocals. Keltie is the blonde in the big feathered hat and dark lavender skirt.

To make things even better for the band, Panic! at the Disco won the most prestigious award of the night, the Video of the Year.

At the after party, Ryan and Keltie really hit it off, and talked for a long time.

“Awkwardly, I approached the band at the bar. I said hello to the thin, frail, beautiful boy beside me... The boy looked uncomfortable with his newfound fame, which I found endearing.

From the moment we started talking, I felt connected to him. He was sweet and slightly odd, like a strange bird in the zoo you can’t help but stare at because you’ve never seen anything like it. Everything out of his mouth belonged in some wild romantic comedy filled with modern-day Romeos and beautiful love songs. He existed in the present but didn’t actually live here with the rest of us. He was a starry-eyed dreamer who created an entire world in his head. Instead of dealing with the not-so-magical situations in his life, his mind transformed to a place where he was happy. His dreams consisted of haunting melodies, men in fanciful 1800s suits and a blissful utopia where people fell deeply in love.” (RRR, p94)

Keltie soon became overwhelmed with what she was feeling and left the party after exchanging phone numbers. Ryan immediately began texting her, and invited her to join him in his hotel room. Keltie took him up on the offer, and they ordered room service and talked for hours. Their connection was undeniable, but Keltie still had some doubts---largely because she was still emotionally damaged by her volatile ex, Nick Perri (brother of Christina). Nevertheless, Keltie decided to see what could happen with Ryan.

“We were both out of our league for different reasons... What he didn’t realize is that I was a co-dependent perfectionist who would seduce, date, and fall in love with him without his consent. While we ate our ham and egg sandwiches, I wish I knew that we were at the start of a beautiful and ultimately tragic love story.” (RRR, p95)

They shared their first kiss early the next morning, after taking things to Keltie’s apartment and talking until 6:30am.

“...when he kissed me on the stoop of my apartment building, I never wanted it to end. We kissed as taxis surrounded us, store gates opened and professionals in suits rushed to work, but none of that mattered. It was the most perfect kiss I ever experienced. I had no idea if I would ever see him again, but for the moment, I reveled in the sweetness of our innocent kiss. I found everything I needed to know about him with that kiss. Words were useless. I knew it. He knew it. This was it.” (RRR, p96-97)

Ryan had to leave to go back to Las Vegas, but that didn’t stop the budding relationship. He and Keltie jumped into a frenetic pattern of texting constantly and visiting one another whenever either one could manage a few days away from their responsibilities. This is what Keltie has to say about the first several days on end that they spent together:

“Even with my exhausting schedule, I barely slept for the entire four days [Ryan] was in town. Being around him turned me into a silly 14-year-old girl. I felt a sense of camaraderie with the actual 14-year-old girls who screamed during his concert.

[Ryan] was staying at the W Hotel. We spent most of our evenings in bed, eating room service, talking about our lives and learning more about each other’s deepest, darkest places. We stayed under the safe haven of our blankets, sharing secrets. When he left to fly to Europe, I stayed in bed. The sheets smelled like him. He texted me on the way to the airport, ‘I think some butterflies just flew out of my mouth.’ I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant, but I knew it was a good thing. Everything he said and did was artistic. He never said I was pretty, but instead compared my face to the night sky. Dating him was like being the ingenue of one of my favorite Broadway musicals. He spoke in the language of epic.” (RRR, p100-101)

During this time (fall of 2006), the boys of Panic! embarked on a tour of Europe, which made it even more difficult for Ryan and Keltie to see one another. Keltie was not to be deterred, though, and decided to spend her meager life savings to visit him in Brussels for Panic!’s October 20th concert. She also accompanied them to their show in London the following day and stayed with them on their tour bus. Apparently, their lifestyle was not as sophisticated as Keltie had hoped for, but she persevered.

“I watched the four boys eat leftover pizza and share a tiny one-room dressing room and the same dingy stall of a shower that wasn’t anywhere as glamorous or interesting as [their fans] assumed it was. To be honest, it was actually quite boring, and if it wasn’t for [Ryan]’s eyes staring back at me, I most likely would’ve fallen asleep.

As I boarded my plane home, I found a note inside my bag from [Ryan]: ‘Thank you for coming to visit me. You are such an amazing girl, and I keep finding out reasons why.’” (RRR, p103-104)

Soon after this trip, Ryan asked Keltie if she would officially be his girlfriend. She had some serious reservations because of how much she had been hurt in the past, but she ignored her gut and told him yes.

“We took a cab uptown to the hotel the band stayed at. It happened to be called The Dream. Ironic, since I was living out most girls’ fantasies by staying there with him. [Ryan] turned to me and asked, ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ I stopped. I might have gagged. I really liked [Ryan], but I had such terrible luck with boyfriends. I loved being together without any rules or titles. I reached a point in my life where I expected everyone to break their promises to me and figured that if I stayed out of situations involving any, I wouldn’t get hurt. I was like a child who finally learned that if you stick your hand in the fire, you’re going to get burned. But lying beside his soft skin in that magical hotel, drenched in candle light and with the grumbling of Manhattan taxicabs as our soundtrack, I could only look in his little puppy dog eyes and say, ‘Yes.’ “(RRR, p106)

This moment is obviously romantic, but it is also highly disturbing how Keltie had so many reservations at the beginning of their relationship that she ignored. She knew that she would never truly understand Ryan and would ultimately break his heart, but this was not enough for her to call off their relationship. Keltie used Ryan for emotional fulfillment and validation, and rationalized it to herself as merely wanting to take care of him.

As you can imagine, when a relationship starts this badly, it only gets much worse with time.

But of course, Ryan had no idea that Keltie was not being honest with him. He was ecstatic to have a girlfriend---so happy, in fact, that he started talking about her in public at every possible opportunity.

One notable example is when he mentioned her in Rolling Stone magazine:

And here is a video interview from November 2006 where Ryan mentions that he has a girlfriend, starting at around 3:00.

Both of these examples are also mentioned in Keltie’s book, in a larger passage about the unfortunate stereotyping that she faced from fans and the media:

“[Ryan] talked about me on television. Someone asked him what his favorite thing was about me and he answered live, in front of a huge audience, ‘She never gets jealous.’ He confirmed to the millions of teenage fans that he was taken. I think I was the only happy fan that day. What I didn’t know was that my life was about to be turned upside down by complete strangers, the power of the Internet and cruel gossip. I felt like the target of every girl in America who didn’t understand why [Ryan] chose to be with me. To others, I was a ditzy cheerleader trying to get ahead in the business. Really, I was someone affected, introspective and falling in love.

While walking down the New York City streets every day, his face greeted me from the covers of music magazines. I bought them all to support him. His Rolling Stone issue came out and in his interview, he said he was dating a ‘nice’ girl. I was in shock to even make it into the article.” (RRR, p108)

No one deserves to be faced with such misogyny and unfair scrutiny because of their choice of partner. And unfortunately, there was a great deal of both in the Panic! fandom of 2006. Keltie and Ryan’s relationship may have ultimately been a terrible decision on both their parts, but no one deserves to be treated that way by the public.

By this time, it was December, and since the “Nothing Rhymes With Circus” tour had just ended, Ryan spent Christmas in New York City with Keltie. There continued to be a startling inequality in their relationship, but they were nonetheless happy:

“During our Christmas holiday, we shuttled around New York in hats and mittens. We took pictures in front of the tree at Rockefeller Center. We rode a carriage through Central Park. We went ice skating. It was such a wonderful time and it seemed unfair to the rest of the world that the two of us should have everything. We robbed the bank of happiness and kept all of it for ourselves. I knew I deserved it. I knew he did too.

Away from our families, we ate Chinese takeout on Christmas Eve and watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on my tiny television. On Christmas morning, [Ryan] presented me with a beautiful gold locket from the 1800s. On the outside, he had it inscribed with one word: love. It was stunning. I refused to take it off my neck for the next three years. I gifted [Ryan] with the book How to Sing for Dummies. At the time, he was so much more in love with me than I was with him. I chose to keep it light and funny, and he went right to the lovey-dovey stuff. I think he was so kind because he was never sure where he stood with me. I was so incredibly happy and told anyone but him.” (RRR, p110)

In February of 2007, they spent Valentine’s Day together at Ryan’s place in Las Vegas. Keltie was still being reticent about her feelings for him, but this would soon change after a dramatic turn of events:

“We spent Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas and decided to exchange love letters. I already knew how he felt about me because almost every minute of my day was filled with some sort of sweet message from him, but I was still so afraid to let [Ryan] know how I felt... But alas, Valentine’s Day came and we exchanged letters. His came to me on vintage card stock, pressed with a wax seal. The words of the letter were some of the sweetest I had ever heard, with statements about how he would never hurt me and how lucky he felt to be loved by me. How he would never hurt me.

Next I gave [Ryan] my present, a handcrafted memory box with pictures of us on the outside. I wanted to write so many things to him---that I was head over heels in love with him, that I was scared of him, that I was still reeling over my past heartbreak, that I would give up everything to spend my days with him---but I couldn’t bring myself to give away that much of my heart. So instead, I put a single piece of paper inside the box with three words: I love you.

The look of disappointment on [Ryan]’s face when he received his letter was devastating. I felt awful. I wished I could have given him what he wanted, all of me, but I didn’t have a whole me to give away. I was cautious to give away the little bit of my heart I had left...

On Valentine’s Day evening, after disappointing him with my small note, I grabbed my computer and wrote my love letter. I told him everything I knew I shouldn’t. I gave him my heart. I was completely honest, open, and vulnerable. I set the letter aside for him to read when I left the next morning to fly back to New York.” (RRR, p112-113)

The problem here is not that Keltie felt uncomfortable with expressing her feelings for Ryan, or that she was unsure if she truly loved him. The problem is that he could not read her mind, and she was not being honest or forthcoming with him. The ethical choice would have been not to get into a relationship while carrying so much emotional baggage, especially with someone so obviously vulnerable. Instead, Keltie strung Ryan along, accepted his gifts and affection, and never truly intended to reciprocate. The fact that she did eventually reciprocate despite her misgivings is an interesting point on its own.

February turned into March, Keltie stayed in New York, and Ryan packed his bags to leave for The Cabin™ with the guys, where they would all stay for two months.

This stint of seclusion brought the boys closer than ever before, and sparked a period of productivity. They wrote about half of an avant-garde album that was ultimately scrapped, and more importantly emerged as a solid, creative, and tightly-knit group.

It is also clear that Keltie was on Ryan’s mind during this separation, as these lyrics show:

Ryan felt like he was nowhere near as good as Keltie, that what she saw in him were just “hallucinations”, that he was “only reflecting [her] perfections”, that he was the “lucky” one. This is the first big example of Ryan’s codependency, specifically the idea that he was worthless and could not survive without her. Unfortunately, this became even worse over time.

Meanwhile, Keltie booked a prestigious gig as a backup dancer for Fergie. She texted Ryan about it a week in advance, but did not remind him at all. And when the big day rolled around, this happened:

“Backstage in costume, I was disappointed after checking and rechecking my phone to see I hadn’t received a good luck message from [Ryan]. What the rest of the world thought didn’t matter. If he was missing from the equation, I was sad, but I was sure he’d be watching.

I called him later that night, ecstatic after the heart-pounding performance. When I asked him if he saw it, he responded with, ‘See what?’ I was heartbroken. I reminded him about the Fergie performance earlier that night and he apologized, saying that he and his bandmates were busy working on a song.

This became the story of my entire summer. My star rose and fell at the same time because I could never find a way to be important enough to [Ryan]. I became an afterthought. I was on television for two and a half minutes that night and found it impossible to believe that whatever he was doing was so important that he couldn’t afford to step away for a few minutes.” (RRR, p117-118)

Keltie had begun to base her self worth on Ryan’s interest, which is extremely unhealthy. This also pitted her firmly against the other drain on his attention... Panic! at the Disco. Keltie began to resent his friends as an opponent, in a metaphorical game of tug-of-war over Ryan.

The couple began arguing all the time and growing more distant as Panic! grew closer and worked on Pretty. Odd. Keltie even began to worry that Ryan was being unfaithful, but she didn’t press the issue. Every time they would get into an argument, she would tell him what he was doing something wrong and he would give her an explanation. Keltie saw his reasons as disingenuous, and would accuse him of lying to her. Since we do not have access to Ryan’s direct thoughts on the matter, it is entirely possible that he was in fact being honest with her. Regardless, Keltie did not see it that way.

“We started fighting a lot and whenever I was angry, [Ryan] formulated a wonderfully brilliant excuse. He was a masterful storyteller. He once told me that he was so good at getting around things because he spent his entire life sneaking around behind his father’s strict, Catholic back. [Ryan] seemed innocent, but he was still capable of deceit. It was my fault for accepting lame excuses, but when the issues blew over and [Ryan] and I were good, we were so good that it instantly erased all of his wrongdoings.” (RRR, p119)

What we do have from Ryan is “Lie to the Truth” and “The Other Girl”, both of which address his accused dishonesty and ‘wrongdoings’. “The Other Girl” even includes this as the chorus:

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

This seems like a response to Keltie’s behavior in the previous quote. Ryan got so used to being told that he was wrong that his apologies became rehearsed, a droning chorus of admitting that Keltie is always right and always knows better than he does.

These examples also show the disconnect in their relationship. What Keltie saw as Ryan being immature and dishonest, Ryan saw as Keltie nitpicking everything he did and expecting him to defer to her judgment. Their relationship became a strange play on teenage disobedience, with Keltie being the nagging mother and Ryan being the rebellious teen. This is not healthy for two adults in a romantic relationship.

Things became even worse when Ryan decided to adopt a dog, a cute little teacup beagle named Hobo.

He named her Hobo because she had an unstable life, which seems cute and funny when you watch this video:

But if you picked up on Ryan’s undercurrent of bitterness as he describes Hobo occasionally going without food and smelling bad, there is a reason. Keltie touches upon this issue in her book:

“During a trip to Los Angeles to visit him, we fought in a friend’s kitchen after I found the puppy he recently purchased alone in the bathroom without any food or water, covered in her own feces. [Ryan] left for a meeting, and I stopped by to meet him at the friend’s house, not knowing he wouldn’t be there.

When he returned hours later with red eyes and lame excuses, I was angry. Not only for treating me like garbage, but for the puppy too. I told him weeks prior that getting a pet was a bad decision. But he wanted what he couldn’t have and bought the small beagle, and somehow thought in the middle of touring the world he would have time to be a dad to this little pup.

He told me her name was Hobo, put her in my arms and introduced me as her mommy. I instantly fell in love with her and became more protective of her than I was of my own heart. At the end of the fight, I was in tears holding the shaking puppy in my hands. [Ryan] turned to me and said, ‘I cannot fix this right now.’ I left, driving down the winding roads of the Hollywood Hills to stay with a friend...

Something in [Ryan] changed. His mind and lungs were polluted. I wasn’t angry anymore, just sad for him... I thought I could protect him so he would stay the sweet and sincere boy I fell in love with forever. Los Angeles had a different plan." (RRR, p119-120)

Things had, in fact, changed. Ryan was at the same time closer than ever with his friends to the point of seeing them every day, and yet more codependent than ever with Keltie.

Complicating matters even further, as touched upon briefly in the previous quote, Ryan and the other members of Panic! at the Disco had begun experimenting with drugs, particularly marijuana. Keltie was upset, but not from being anti-drug use. Her ex, Nick Perri, had been a raging alcoholic with a cocaine addiction to boot, and it never deterred Keltie at all (you can read about that in the first quarter or so of her book). Rather, she was upset because it meant that her grip on Ryan was loosening. An entire side of him was beginning to reveal itself, and Keltie had no part in it. It was also a concrete marker of Ryan spending time with his friends, and not with her.

Ryan reflected on these changes in his life, and it all made its way into the song aptly titled “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)”, ‘that green gentleman’ being slang for marijuana. In these lyrics, Ryan muses about how he never expected to become the person he had grown into, but how he was okay with the way everything had turned out:

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd, Little deaths in musical beds. So it seems I’m someone I’ve never met.

...

Things have changed for me, and that’s okay. I feel the same, I’m on my way, and I say, Things have changed for me, and that’s okay.

This is a stark contrast from how Keltie felt on the matter. She made it abundantly clear to him (and everyone else, through her book) that she was decidedly not okay with everything. Ryan literally had to write and perform a song with his friends to reassure himself that he was fine, because his significant other was always hounding him about his life choices.

Nevertheless, Keltie continued to be on his mind when they were apart. He saw everything beautiful around him as a reflection and extension of her---her dancing, her laughter, her love. And despite Keltie’s hatred and disapproval of his new marijuana habit, he even saw her in the smoke swirling up from his cigarettes. All of this made its way into a surprisingly romantic verse of “The Piano Knows Something I Don’t Know”, which he wrote around this time:

She’s the smoke. She’s dancing fancy pirouettes, Swan-diving off of the deep end Of my tragic cigarette. She’s steam, Laughing on a windowpane, The never-ending swaying haze. Oh, that ever-smiling maze, Oh, that ever-smiling maze, Ballet.

At the end of the summer, Ryan turned 21. To start the day, Keltie booked a romantic photo shoot with a photographer named Amy Dunn. (The second picture in this post is, in fact, from this same photo shoot.)

That night, Keltie also threw him a surprise birthday party at Pete Wentz’s club in New York City, Angels & Kings. She decorated the club with embarrassing pictures of his teen years and encouraged guests to wear t-shirts with an unflattering photo of Ryan on them. She also notably did not invite Jon Walker, one of Ryan’s closest friends, despite the fact that he was old enough to attend.

At one point, Keltie did a dramatic costume change and popped out of a giant gift box wearing a tiara and an ‘R’ necklace.

The birthday cake also had an embarrassing picture of 13-year-old Ryan on it.

To say that Ryan looks unhappy in most of the pictures from his birthday is an understatement. The whole thing was so far from what he would have wanted that it is astounding that Keltie made such a misstep. Something was seriously wrong with their relationship, and Keltie throwing a tone-deaf birthday party where she didn’t even invite his best friends only made things worse.

Some of Ryan’s doubts worked their way into “From a Mountain in the Middle of the Cabins”. He described how his relationship had turned cruel and meaningless, caught in destructive patterns. It also hints that Keltie may have been threatening to leave him, and that Ryan just wanted her to make a decision:

Go spin circles for me, Wound relentlessly Around the words we used to sling. Oh, such torturous things, Always chewing up the only ones I ever mean. If you're going, then go. Go, go, go.

Even so, as was the pattern in their relationship, they soldiered on. Ryan and his friends finished recording Pretty. Odd. a few months later and Keltie began having lucid nightmares that Ryan was cheating on her---and despite everything, they could not wait to spend Christmas together and be happy again. They even went on a Caribbean vacation:

“[Ryan] and I decided to take our first vacation together. We went far away to the Caribbean islands where no one could bother us. We were surrounded by sunshine, beautiful beaches and limitless fruity drinks. It was amazing to spend time with our cell phones off and without being bothered for hours. [Ryan] took his guitar down to the beach each day and we stared at the ocean, talking about our dreams and goals for the next year with the strum of a million melodies in his head, floating in the breeze.

We ate our faces off. We drank our faces off. We won something like 62,000 pesos playing blackjack while we were so drunk, we couldn’t stand up straight. At some point, we lost it all but we didn’t care. We stumbled home arm-in-arm through the dimly lit, cobblestone pathways of the resort. When [Ryan] and I were allowed to be us, without any of the pressures or distractions from the world, we were the best of everything. The best of friends. The best of crazies. The best of lovers.” (RRR, p123-124)

Keltie had begun to feel the pressures of their respective careers. She wedged herself into a position of control over Ryan’s musical career to the point where she took credit for several things to do with Pretty. Odd., including the line “Reinvent love” (apparently she is not familiar with Arthur Rimbaud), the title of "Pas de Cheval" (which references a ballet move), and the Russian stacking dolls in the music video for “That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)”.

In return, Ryan supported her dancing career, spent time with her friends, and bought all of her plane tickets. Keltie continued to take a strangely maternal role in his life, but both of them were too entrenched in their mutual codependency to care:

“We were a team and what was mine was his. For all the times I helped [Ryan] out, he watched me practice for an upcoming Broadway audition. He bought me flights to New York and back so I could attend a one-in-a-million chance audition. He listened to me babble incessantly about all the things I wanted to accomplish. Whenever he went away, he brought back little tokens of love---earrings from Prague, postcards from Amsterdam, a stuffed animal from Australia. He wrote love song after love song for me. Things I said or did would constantly show up in his lyrics. I was a muse for him. A mother for him. And during the times we actually slept in the same bed, a woman.” (RRR, p125-126)

Ryan had also become increasingly dependent on Keltie taking care of him, as shown in this extremely rude 2008 interview with Kerrang!:

Keltie also acknowledges this strange role she took in Ryan’s life, how she continued to infantilize her adult boyfriend:

“I was a girlfriend and a taskmaster. I kept him focused, and I sewed his clothes and managed his calendar. I made sure someone came to clean the house. I did his laundry, I paid his bills on time, and I paid my bills on time but for a completely different address. I called his family with updates and sent birthday cards when necessary. I did this because I loved him and he needed help. I did this because it was only after all these things were taken care of, that [Ryan] and I could snuggle up and just be ‘us.’” (RRR, p126)

Their relationship soon faced another trial. After over a year of Keltie accusing Ryan of not taking their relationship seriously, he asked her to move in with him and even proposed marriage, thus proving both his commitment and his New Year’s resolution to better himself. Keltie refused, but also made a series of false promises whereby she would move in with him. Every time, Ryan would do exactly as she asked, and Keltie would not follow through on her end. She simply did not take him seriously, and Ryan naively tried and tried to do what she wanted:

“[Ryan] asked me to move to Las Vegas, and I declined. He placed a ring on my finger and along with it, a million promises. We condo shopped and he bought the one I loved. We picked out wallpaper, drapes, bed sheets, art and countertops. He built me a giant, floor-to-ceiling bookcase with a ladder like in Beauty & The Beast because I said if he did, I would move in. He purchased a giant bathtub with claw feet and jets because I said if he did, I would move in. It was the running joke with our good friend and interior decorator. I could get him to buy a $5,000 bathtub, but I couldn’t get him to call me each night before he went to sleep.” (RRR, p126-127)

Then Pretty. Odd. was finally released on March 25, 2008. Ryan’s album dedication is partially addressed to Keltie, affectionately referred to as ‘Monkey’, and is startling in its self-deprecation:

Monkey for sorting me out and being amazing, beautiful and understanding of my impossible nature.

By this time, Ryan genuinely believed that he was damaged, unworthy, and unable to survive on his own. This preoccupation about being fundamentally unlovable and unstable even made its way into the chorus of “She Had the World”, sung thoughtfully in Ryan’s own soft voice.

But who could love me? I am out of my mind, Throwing a line out to sea To see if I can catch a dream.

Ryan understood on a certain level that Keltie didn’t really ‘get’ him, that “she didn’t even see [him]” because she was blinded by more important things. He also seems to have been considering breaking up with her, despite how giving and affectionate she was. If they were to break up, Ryan could only hope that his damage hadn’t transferred to her:

The sun was always in her eyes. She didn't even see me. But that girl had so much love, She'd want to kiss you all the time. Yeah, she'd want to kiss you all the time. She said she'd won the world at a carnival, But I'm sure I didn't ruin her, I just made her more interesting. I’m sure I didn’t ruin her, I just made her more interesting.

Tellingly, in a promotional interview for Pretty. Odd., Ryan refers to “She Had the World” as an “un-love song”---strange wording for something clearly inspired by his girlfriend.

Regardless, they did not break up. Even so, Keltie was very critical of both the album and Ryan’s career, and saw both as disappointments. Her career was looking up, since she had been accepted back into the Rockettes, and she began to see Ryan as a has-been:

“[The Rockettes and] I played many of the same arenas I followed [Ryan] to on his last tour. We performed to a sold-out crows, in arenas his band could only half-fill.

[Ryan] came out to visit me on tour. I happened to be on crutches after sustaining nerve damage in my leg. I was out of the show for five days, and I was unsure that I would ever dance again. Seeing my body fall apart made me cling to [Ryan] even more. In a random hotel room, with an ice bag on my leg, we talked about everything---the semi-flop of his last record, the fact that magazines weren’t calling anymore and the ups and downs of the tainted entertainment business. He said to me through tears, ‘You’re the only one who really knows me and the only person who really cares about me. Everyone else is nothing.’ I knew it was true. [Ryan]’s star was falling. I loved him anyway. I loved him more, I think.” (RRR, p128)

Then, months later, Keltie’s career had another break, since she was unexpectedly approached to be on the cover of Dance Spirit magazine. As part of the spread, she was interviewed, as was Ryan, and both of them apparently impressed all of the magazine’s editors with their cuteness.

Here is part of the interview, which was released in March of 2009:

Another pillar of support in Keltie’s life is her boyfriend, Ryan Ross. (Yes, the same Ryan Ross of the band Panic at the Disco!)... Although the two don’t get to see each other often since they both tour, they enjoy similar activities in their time off. “You wouldn’t guess it by looking at her, but she’s sort of a nerd, which is what I love about her and why I think we get along so well,” Ryan says. “We both like to sit around and read or watch the Discovery Channel.”

Having a famous boyfriend has its share of challenges, though. Since she started dating Ryan, numerous blogs, message board posts and videos have bad-mouthed Keltie. Old photos of her in revealing clothes, which she wore for previous dance and modeling jobs, were posted and scrutinized. “Sometimes I laugh it off, but some of it has affected me,” Keltie says. “It hurts when people say I’m not a good dancer or I’m using Ryan. No one deserves to hear bad things about themselves.” ...

Whether it’s as a role model, dancer or girlfriend, she proves to be just as genuine the second, third and one-hundredth time you meet her as the first. “Keltie is the most giving and positive person that I have ever met,” Ryan says. “She’s made me want to be more like her in that way.”  

In February of 2009, Keltie finally decided to move in with Ryan (largely because she landed a dance contract in Las Vegas) and began making the necessary preparations. Right before the official move, they even went on a vacation together in Hawaii:

“The trip was incredible. We had the best time swimming with dolphins, watching huge turtles lay on the sandy beach, and taking our nightly walks to the hot tub. It was one of the best weeks of my life and I didn’t see a single sign of the doom on its way. [Ryan] stared at me directly in the eyes and told me how much he loved me, which seemed so heartfelt. I believed him. I believed that each year we got a little older and a little more of the growing pains of our lives together sorted themselves out. I believed we would be together forever.” (RRR, p135)

They even had a picture-perfect Valentine’s Day, filled with romance, childlike infatuation, and hope for the future:

“The night of Valentine’s Day, [Ryan] drove up from Los Angeles to spend the night with me. I moved all my stuff into his Vegas pad as I prepared to start my new job in a few days. Finally, after all our time apart, we were living together! He walked in the door with a giant flower arrangement and hugs and kisses for me. We got dressed up and he took me to a sold-out Billy Joel concert at the MGM.

We sat in the fifth row and held hands as we sung along to all the great tunes. When Billy played ‘She’s Got a Way’, [Ryan] held me close and whispered in my ear that the song was written for me. I blushed. That night on the way back to the car, we ran into one of his bandmates’ parents and talked on the street for a bit. I was amazed at the family we created through the intertwining of both of our worlds.

Worried that that we would have to stand in line for hours at valet, [Ryan] grabbed my hand and we ran giggling past all the 40-somethings at the concert, like kids in a schoolyard. We were both terrible runners and threatened to trip at any moment, but somehow we made it home that night, back into each other’s arms and back into bed. It was a perfect Valentine’s Day, one of the few we were actually able to spend together. We lay in bed that night, talking about how finally, everything worked out. We were both in the same city, working and happy with our sleeping dog between us. Perfection reached us and it was an unbelievable feeling.” (RRR, p135-136)

What happened the next morning is infamous: Keltie went through Ryan’s phone while cooking him breakfast, and found romantic messages from a young woman who appeared to be a waitress. Ryan had been cheating on Keltie, and Keltie was devastated:

“The day after Valentine’s Day, I cooked meat for the man I loved, without knowing he was seeing someone on the side, going to her house and sending late-night messages for weeks. My face flushed as I scrolled through the messages.

I honestly can’t and don’t want to remember what I saw that day, but the dates registered with me. I saw the date of my birthday two weeks before, the day I received two huge bundles of flowers while spending time with my family in Canada. He was with her on my birthday. I scrolled back farther and realized he texted her while we were on vacation in Hawaii. He sang me love songs on the beach while also thinking about some girl.

Some of the messages were about her getting off work. It seemed she was a waitress. My whole adult life I struggled to stay afloat and have an awesome career so I would never have to be a dancer/waitress and here he was, more interested in her. I was successful. I was in commercials, print advertisements, movies and music videos. None of it was enough. For him, this waitress, this random girl, was worth ruining everything.” (RRR, p137-138)

Even in the context of finding out that her boyfriend/fiance had been unfaithful, Keltie still could only conceptualize of things in relation to her career and material success.

Ryan later wrote a song about his experiences with getting caught cheating, “The Other Girl” by the Young Veins. Every line of that song is razor sharp and directed at Keltie. Ryan muses about why he could possibly want to be with another girl, and sarcastically cautions Keltie about not wasting her time worrying about him. It also includes the droning chorus of apologies that I referenced earlier.

Don’t wait around for love. You’re not what he’s thinking of When he’s with the other girl. Don’t bother waiting up, ‘cause he, He’s not where he’s supposed to be When he’s with the other girl, When he’s with the other girl.

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, And I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

Don't have much to say right now, ‘Cause I'm trying to figure out Why he's with the other girl. Life is not a fairy tale. They will send him straight to jail, Where he'll die and go to hell With the other girl, With the other girl.

You, you were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are. You were right, I was wrong, Like I always am, And you always are.

This song may seem harsh, but Ryan had just endured almost three years of being made to believe that he was unworthy and that he could only successfully exist under Keltie’s control. He had to seize his own freedom like a rebellious teenager, the underhandedness of which didn’t bother him because she would believe he was in the wrong no matter what. This is unhealthy and they were both better off without each other.

It is undeniably wrong that Ryan cheated on Keltie, but I personally believe that infidelity is a symptom of a broken relationship rather than the cause. And that is especially true here. Their relationship was doomed from the start, mired in codependency and stressed by the pressures of the world. Ryan was clearly not getting something he needed from Keltie, and spending one perfect Valentine’s Day together would not fix all of their problems.

The real tragedy here is that neither one of them were mature enough to realize this and break things off. It would have saved them both a great deal of time and unnecessary heartbreak if Keltie had been honest with him from the beginning.

Ryan eventually came to recognize this, and it found its way into the lyrics of “Defiance” by the Young Veins. He muses about being vulnerable to emotionally manipulative people, how Keltie pursued him despite believing that she could never truly love again, and how he came to realize that rebelling against her control was more enjoyable than being in a relationship with her:

From the outside looking in, I sure did make an easy target. It’s nice to think that you were always Wanted. ... Yet she said it was rust and lead, That love could never live again, But they found a way to make it stay.

...

And can’t we just be friends? This kind of thing always happens. I fell in love again With defiance.

Ryan realized that their relationship would have never truly worked out as long as Keltie was in love with Nick Perri. The reason that her heart had been too damaged to fall for Ryan completely is that she still wanted to be with her ex. She was emotionally cheating on Ryan from the beginning, and he could never live up to that. This is even the subject of the Young Veins’ song “Lie to the Truth”:

When I started out Writing you this song, I was heels over head in love, But you had your doubts, Because it took too long To finally see what I, What I'd been doing wrong.

I tried to love you, but You still loved him, so I'll ignore my heart and lie to the truth. I'll lie to the truth.

A love of mine once said, "The best part about you Was me," so now who Is judging who? I know I broke your heart. Mine is broken too. Now if we're even, Then why are we both blue?

I tried to be true, but You still love him, so I’ll lie in silence and Feel like a fool. I’ll lie to the truth.

I think that I have had enough, I guess that I have had enough Of you. I think that I have had enough, I know I’m tired and had enough Of you.

We tried to be true, but You still loved him, so I'll keep my distance And lie to the truth. I’ll lie to the truth. I’ll lie to the truth, ‘Cause you lied to it too.

This song also draws on both how Keltie would accuse repeatedly Ryan of lying (just see how many times the word “lie” appears) and how she degraded his self-confidence to boost her own (”the best part about you was me”). In these lyrics, Ryan basically says, “My love for you was the truth. You lied to me, I tried my best anyway, and nothing was enough. What else could I do?”

After their breakup, Ryan began spending more time with his band. He even briefly moved in with Brendon and Spencer, and then went camping with Jon. His friends had officially won the battle for Ryan’s attention, but this was unfortunately not to last for long. Here are some pictures of Ryan from late February 2009, originally posted to his and Jon’s Tumblr, weresoblogging.

Keltie tried repeatedly to get back together with Ryan (Ryan similarly tried to win her back a couple times), and also sadistically wanted to see him suffer. She started a smear campaign on her blog, highkicksandhighhopes, to turn his fans against him, and made a show of tweeting about him at the least provocation.

And unfortunately, her efforts paid off. If you ever see Livejournal posts or general fan discourse from 2009, it was widely believed in the Panic fandom that Ryan was just a terrible person who was probably addicted to multiple drugs and was a serial user of women. The fans were only getting one angry, miserable side of the story, and they unfairly judged Ryan based on what little they knew. This is even probably a large component of why the Young Veins did not see much success, since Keltie had alienated many of Ryan’s fans against him and the rest became angry about Panic’s split (which seemed to confirm to them that he was ruining his life). Well, at least Keltie finally had her wish for her doe-eyed dreamer to become a lonely has-been, and she couldn’t have been happier about it.

I hope that this ridiculously long post has helped you come to your own conclusions about everything. I’ve tried to stay as objective as possible, largely because the information we do have here is incredibly biased. Even so, the fact that Keltie is making money off a tell-all book that is half about Ryan and the intimate details of their relationship is ethically questionable, and more people need to realize that. She is clearly targeting Ryan’s fan base and trying to ruin his reputation, which he quite frankly does not deserve. It also demonstrates that Keltie did not recognize her own culpability, despite the lip service that she paid to it in passing.

Anyway, Ryan recovered from the breakup and shortly began seeing another pretty blonde, who Keltie immediately hated and began passive-aggressively tweeting about.

I’m talking about Kate Marie Thompson. Stay tuned for Ryan’s infamous pink suit!

CONTINUED IN PART 4

And here are all of the posts in this series!

[vrenaewrites]

CRAVE by Tracy Wolff thoughts: Ch 22 - ch 48

Full video here.

CH 22: Baby, it’s hot in here

Like, baby it’s cold outside?

Sooooo much internal monologuing about her first boyfriend and how no one has made her feel like Jaxon does…

“The big picture is that the most popular boys in school are obsessed with you”

“He looks at you like it physically hurts him not to be touching you. Baby, if he wanted you anymore he’d spontaneously combust”

Macy wants the tea about her and Jaxon

She says flint and him had a “massive pissing contest over her” lmao

“Are you trying to be reassuring or scare me?” “yes”

She tells heather ttyf? Am i stupid??? What does that mean?

TALK TO YOU FOREVER?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

“It sounds like every cliche in the book, but he’s different around you. Somehow less intense, but more intense.”

“You can trust me, we’re family” and grace almost starts crying :(

CH 23: never bring an ice cream scoop to a gunfight

Macy FINALLY comes clean re: flint and jaxon are mortal enemies

“What is this the breakfast club? Even they figured out they could all get along” grace just be quiet and let the girl who actually knows wtf is up at this school tell you wtf is up. You been wanting her to talk for so long, be quiet.

Ooh something big happened a year ago that made them all break up into factions

It’s about hudson jaxon’s brother!

Or is his name spelled Hyudsin because stupid spellings

Ooh macy warned grace not to become the chew toy between flint and jaxon

CH 24: waffles are the way to a girl’s everything

I want to hate this but i fucking love waffles so like…

Someone’s texting her about her ankle...i thought it was jaxon...AND IT IS!

“I don’t know the punchline to whatever knock knock joke you’re setting up” I BURST OUT LAUGHING BECAUSE “he’s funny over text” ma’am...this isn’t funny? Maybe a lil snarky, but funny?

Now she’s telling jokes over text and we’re having a whole long stupid text fucking exchange….i hate this so much

Then he tries, “what do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite” and my soul leaves my body because what in the 8th grade twilight fanfiction is happening…

She texts him brb instead of just responding when when she was done peeing and then he stops answering her, this used to happen to me with the toxic dudes i talked to in high school...am i reading too much into this? Idk yet

And then she’s spiraling about why he stopped texting and UGH I REMEMBER THIS FEELING!!!!!!!!!

Jaxon has food sent up to her room from the...cafeteria? Wtf…

He says he doesn’t like the food and she says “So what do you like to eat” and then is like “wow that sounded suggestive” lmao

And he says “i don’t think we’re there yet but let me know when we are” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

CH 25: truly madly deeply bitten

And we’re really just gonna keep texting 21 questions

She loves tatbilb...i mean same lana condor is the loml, but

Jaxon loves rogue one………

I don’t care AT ALL. NOT ONE BIT DO I CARE, TRACY WOLFF.

“I wish i could ask the real jaxon vega to please stand up” i rolled my eyes but i also giggled

“You suck” “you have no idea how much” i threw up in my mouth.

Niall horan reference, hozier reference, rhianna reference

JAXON’S. FAVORITE. SONG. IS. TRULY. MADLY. DEEPLY.

INSERT SNAPCHAT OF ME CRYING LAUGHING HERE

Gambino reference, beethoven reference???, and then brown-eyed girl which personally offends me because my mom used to sing that to me

This makes her hands shake

She plays brown eyed girl a bunch of times

Then another woman comes to deliver a package to grace...from jaxon...it’s a library book

It’s twilight

Insert snap of me screaming stfu here

Macy is laughing her ass off about this because she isn’t stupid, she knows what jaxon is

And grace says she never read it when it was popular all those years ago…

Baby you said you liked reading. No way did you survive middle school without reading it.

And then he shows up!!!!!

She makes a shitty joke to lighten to the mood

He’s massaging her hurt ankle...oh shiiii

They ALMOST kiss

He gives her a little note wrapped in a ribbon

“I wonder how i’m going to keep this beautiful, broken boy from cracking my already battered heart wide open”

Hades voice: we were so CLOSE!

CH 26: the uniform doesn’t make the woman, but it sure brings out the insecurities

He ripped a page out of anais nin’s journals that says some shit like “i dreamed you, i wished for you”

So cute sentiment but you ripped a book my dude? Cardinal sin

Grace is finally going to class

The cafeteria is goth as fuuuuck

The music is “creepy af”

Jaxon sits next to her in front of everyone

CH 27: 10 degree weather gives a whole new meaning to “the cool kid’s table”

He sits in the super ornate chair backwards and it makes her horny

The order is kind of ragging on jaxon about being cute to grace which is funny

We get all the dude’s names at one - raphael luca liam mickey?? I think

“A dark and devastating desperation” in his eyes

And then we got byron who’s more angsty than jaxon - “mad bad and dangerous to know” just like his namesake

CH 28: “to be or not to be is a question, not a pick-up line”

Jaxon walks her to class

Wanting him feels like opening a vein

“I love the way your hair smells”

“My heart is beating like a heavy metal drummer”

We were so close!!!!!!!!!

We’re doing hamlet in class ofc

The teacher says “although you look like the shy type despite your association with katmere’s most notorious student”

Instead of just saying the halls are like playing frogger she describes the old video game where you try to get the frog across the road...is it just people in the south that say playing frogger when describing crossing traffic? Or is this a well known phrase??

Apparently there’s hidden tunnels so flint takes her to them

Her intuition is like BITCH DON’T GO IN THE TUNNELS but she ignores it AGAIN

CH 29: with friends like these, everyone needs hard hats

There are beds with shackles?!?!?!?!

Leah shows up and turns out they’re going to the same class? But flint insists on walking her to class…

Leah and flint are NOT friendly

Damn she offends flint with a buffalo bill joke

There’s bones in the tunnels and a giant chandelier in the rotunda that’s also made of bones…

There’s an earthquake!

CH 30: you make the earth shake under my feet, and everywhere else too

And it stops as soon as they get out of the tunnel

Jaxon is there and being a dick to flint and grace has HAD it

CH 31: big girls don’t cry, unless they want to

Grace gets hit with a basketball in gym

All the order has been walking her to class because jaxon knew she was mad at him

Does jaxon cause the earthquakes somehow?

She finally reads the texts jaxon had sent and feels bad for being mad at him when he was just worried - no he acted like a dick. Be mad.

She’s making sooooo many excuses for his anger: the earthquake, the fact that he’s already rescued her before so of course he’s worried…

Aww a student is playing autumn leaves which was her dad’s favorite song :(

She starts to boo-hoo “grief is a wild thing within me”

Civil twilight AGAIN

Jaxon is standing there when she finally stops

CH 32: it’s not a coincidence that denali and denial use all the same letters

He opens the door in the alcove and it’s like a clubhouse? Oh it’s his dorm room???? Confusion

So it’s like the living room and NOW he’s leading her into his bedroom

She says she’s terrified of him touching her because of the intensity but then says she has no trepidations about doing or being anywhere with him...ya just said...nvm

They go out to the roof

CH 33: Madonna’s not the only one with a lucky star

Please decide if grace is a silly teen who doesn’t know what frogger is or an old soul who loves madonna pls

She asks if he’s an alien…

And she tells him he’s the hottest person ever and that his scar makes him sexy as hell and he's all like “me?!” which is a nice role reversal

This is his favorite place

And there's a meteor shower!!

CH 34: all’s fair in love and earthquakes

Thanks i hate this

When she touches him she realizes how cold he is and thinks it’s from being outside which makes him act all weird

Someone please just tell this girl what’s going on!!!!!!!!! I HATE when the reader is 8,000 steps ahead of the MC

“A craving in his eyes” WE’VE SAID THE TITLE FOLKS!

She makes the move to close the space and says she’s dazzled, GUYS

She’s making the MOVE! “Did you ever want something but you were scared of taking it?” “yes” “what did you do” “i took it anyway” and then he kisses her!!!!!!

The kiss is as soft as a snowflake, as delicate as the permafrost

Then “his mouth goes crazy on mine lips tongue teeth, it’s a cacophony of sensations, a riot of pleasure”

“My knees go weak at his tongue on mine, just like one of those heroines in a novel”

His hands are vices on my biceps...his hands were around her back at first which seems way more romantic than manhandling her arms??

There’s an earthquake...and jaxon is like you have to go

A window breaks and cuts her and then she blacks out????

CH 35: baked alaska is more than just a yummy dessert

Intimidating af is the nurse

The glass nicked her artery!!!!!! The FUCK. or did jaxon bite her?????

Her mom died like that… yikes on bikes

He fucking bit her...this is a lie...i’m calling it…

FINN ABOUT TO COME CLEAN!!!...but the nurse stops him.

Macy is an OG bff she is the best

Or is grace the one making shit happen??

Grace notices the sheets are fixed but that macy never went to the bed

Macy asked what they were doing when the earthquake hit...WHY

CH 36: no harm, all foul

Grace goes after Jaxon and he’s like “our kiss didn’t matter”

He says he put her in a lot of danger by being around her, a “target on her back” and wants her to stay away from him but he can’t pull himself away

But then he does

CH 37: don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answer

Leah drops the bomb that she and Jaxon are expected to carry on like a family dynasty sitch since Hudson died

CH 38: nothing says “i like you” like a fang to the throat

She’s freaking out of course

Mickey says jaxon def didn’t bit her and she’s even more confused and me too

Jaxon is in the mountains...he wants her to wait but she’s pissed

“I take a deep breath and hold onto it with both hands” ….?????

Because i have to hear it out loud, “what did make these marks?”

Say it, out loud

CH 39: there’s never a hallucinogen around when you need one

She’s furious and she should be! I’m glad she’s not replying to Jaxon

We finally get to the bottom of it all!!!!!!

Macy admits Jaxon is a vampire

Leah is one too!!!!

Flint is a dragon!!!!! CALLED IT

He’s got fire? With a name like flint how could he not PUKE

“Who needs LSD when you go to monster high?” Shut UP

Macy is a witch DUH

“You should have been one too”

CH 40: be careful what you witch for

GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH THIS TITLE

Grace’s dad was a warlock but he lost his power when he fell for grace’s mom...oh no was their accident like a magical mafia hit??

“What kind of witch are you if you can’t do something an 11 year old can?” “the kind that doesn’t come from JK Rowling’s brilliant imagination”...THAT aged poorly…

“This is a less bloody version of game of thrones” shut UP

The school nurse bit her because jaxon used his vampire venom to heal her cut, and it worked too well so she needed to cut through the healed skin with her vampire teeth

Because this is twilight satire so of course they have venom…

“So vampires can just override each other’s venom?”

Most of the vamps would have had a hard time not draining you dry, but not jaxon

I absolutely called it: witches, vampires, dragons, and werewolves confirmed.

CH 41: Vampires dragon and werewolves, oh my

This physically hurts

She’s kind of categorizing the students now that she knows which is totally something i would do

God almighty is flint just a jacob clone…

CH 42: good thing pancakes aren’t on today’s menu

The chandelier is falling onto her and someone pushes her out of the way - it’s jaxon!

His eyes smolder at her

She dresses his cut on his head and his arm

“I wouldn’t have had to save you if you were in your room where i told you to be” he grinds the last part out through clenched teeth

He finally lays it out that someone has been getting her hurt on purpose

CH 43: what doesn’t kill you still scares the hell out of you

Her uncle wants to talk to her before she sees jaxon again and i smell an info dump coming

Dangerous af

“Macy told me she spilled all the tea” said her UNCLE with no hint of like “is that what you kids say these days”. GTFO

“I wait for the other shoe to drop even though 100 have already fallen” that’s not how that idiom works

She’s like “how could he think i wouldn’t figure it out i knew something was wrong” no ma’am! No you didn’t!! You kept shrugging it off until chapter 24 at the EARLIEST when you settled on aliens

Getting the tea on the turf war between dragons and vampires - so it’s not like twilight because it’s not the werewolves. Whatever.

Uncle says it was probably some witch who got too loose with her powers and grace is like yeah no absolutely no one is trying to kill me it was yet ANOTHER freak accident

Uncle wants to sent her back to cali

CH 44: Sweet home alaska

So she doesn’t wanna go because of jaxon, not because her only family in the world is in Alaska….

It’s only been a WEEK

“I know jaxon can be...seductive” says her UNCLE

the guys in the order are born vampires, not made, it’s a v big deal

Info dump city re how vampirism is a genetic mutation…

There are 6 ancient families of vampires...this all sounds like the first draft of my new wip where I was trying to figure out how the secret society worked…

Then he says he’s not in the habit of talking students with other students….we just did...this whole chapter…

Another earthquake???

Ch 45: I always knew there was fire between us, I just didn’t know it was your breath

Dude shut up

She goes to the library and wonders if the books about vampires etc would be under non fiction or biology lmao

The librarian is a native Alaskan with elemental magic….yikes

She does a weird eye swirling “you’re more than you think you are” thing to grace

Flints in the library and she asks him about dragons and I swear to god if we get a chapter devoted to learning about each species via info dump I will burn this place to the ground

He singes the marshmallow with his fire breath, loves it

And he can breathe ice? He cools the water down

He can bloom flowers in his hand????

“They’re beautiful” “you’re beautiful” “but I’m not hitting on you??”

Because when I hit on you, it’ll be because you want me to!!!!! We Stan flint!!!

Ch 46: I’ll get you and your little dog too

Enough

Dry throat around flint now, oh shiiiiiii

Oh shit the order is on the move!! There’s trouble

She chases them into a classroom and sees jaxon making shit fly everywhere with just his mind...is he a vampire and a witch??

There’s a werewolf vampire brawl

Damn jaxon can freeze everyone with his mind!

She tries to stop him but he’s put up a barrier

She breaks through!!!!

And jaxon bites cole!!!!!!! ALMOST KILLS COLE!!!!!!!!!!!

“This is your only warning”

CH 47: the first bite is the deepest

Jaxon pulls grace away, this whole time grace’s inner monologue is her feeling responsible for the carnage

“I won’t hurt you” “I know” “you know? do you have a death wish?”

But jaxon is so disgusted at himself that she's just like “well did he deserve to almost be killed?” She has accepted this shit with sociopathic speed

“The power you wield...it’s unfathomable” sis has turned the corner

“You don’t scare me jaxon”

They flipped the script and she breaks down his defenses and it’s kind of hot ngl

She tells him she needs him and he bites her??????

Ch 48: is that a wooden stake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

They’re getting worse

But it’s not a hurting bite it’s like a sex bite…like she describes an orgasm basically..

Then they kiss

The earthquakes are jaxon! Called it

At this point I am sooooo annoyed because just make him a witch!!!! We really wanted the twilight combo so badly we made him a telekinetic earth-shaking vampire?????????

They go to his room...and she goes to his drum kit instead of his bed, you dumb bitch

Now they’re talking in the bed

The jokes are just so fucking bad

He cuts them off by pulling her on top of him and kissing her!!! In bed!!!! We ain’t in twilight no more henny

“The kiss curls my toes but the yank curls everything else” wut

“I don’t want you anywhere near that world, and I sure as hell don’t want that world anywhere near you” - someone. Anyone. Take a second pass

~~~