#nobody has even felt proud of me let alone tell me theyre proud of me for well over half a year

[2oranges]

,

[cakethegreatxx]

The Reason

I didn't breakup with you because I don't love you anymore. I broke up with you because we grew toxic for eachother. We crippled eachother, we lost ourselves in our love and drug use, we needed to find ourselves again. We needed to learn how to take care of ourselves. We needed our families back, and i did everything i could to get mine back. That ment losing you in the process and vice virsa. How can someone choose between family and your bestfriend you've loved for almost 4 years? I hear everyday how proud they are for me ending it. I broke my own heart trying to make other people happy. We had our fights, but I could never stay mad at you. When I say toxic, I don't mean that we abused eachother physically.. emotionally though it was on purpose. There was a time we forgot about the whole world, put eachother before everything. You've turned down jobs, disconnected with your family, stole from your family for me. Just to support me. I couldn't let me, stop you from becoming the best you, you could be

I wanted you to feel happy, I needed you to see there was more to life then just me. I went at it the wrong way. I was harsh because it was just to hard letting you go. I haven't let go, and I don't think I will. When I said I'd marry you, I ment it. I still mean it. I tried to get over you, many times. Do you know how much pain and agony ive put myself through trying to grasp the thought that we don't need eachother to be happy? I held it together, though I was dead inside, no one had a clue. 4 months later, when i found out you were in the hospital, i cried and panicked. I paced for hours trying to convince myself that it was all a dream. I want to take it back, you taught me to love. You showed me what love was. You made me feel like i was the only girl on the earth. You showed me there's more to life, that everyone has a chance at happieness. That I create my own happieness. That life was worth living. That we were fighters. Thats when i lost it. Thats when i realized im stuck in a relationship that was basically an excuse and coverup of my emotions. The last couple of weeks, my breathes have been shallow, my heart is mangled and my brain is an active war zone. The day you almost died snapped me into reality. I am stuck and dont know what to do or say. Everyone thinks I'm over you. I really thought i convinced myself that i was in fact over you, but im not, I never was. My life is a lie. All I do is think about is you, I try to imagine your voice saying its going to be okay, we'll get through this together. Writing all this out makes me realize, there's no amount of apologies I could give to you my love. Just a reason, and my feelings. I miss your warmth your hugs gave me, it was a different type of warmth. A sense of comfort. Love isnt just an mental attachment, love is a feeling you can't mistake for others

Love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also rip your soul apart. Love can be a feeling of pure happieness and joy but only with you Tanner, i don't want us to be a disant memory or just a dream. How much time does it take to get over a true love? Is it possible to hate someone who was once your love, your smile, your reason to be, your everything? Someone you spent every waking moment with. Someone who you had created the absolute best and worst times of your life? I hate that in your point of view, i just broke so many promises and lied to you. I never lied to you, i never talked bad about you. I still stick up for you. Why do you refuse to say my name? Why do you act like nothing ever happend? Yell at me, scream at me, talk to me please, show me because im still in love with you. I'll always love you. And if it's ment to be, we'll find eachother again like the books say. I will search for you. I will fight til you're back in my damn life. It may take months, fuck, even years. But you are my soulmate... it's the smallest things that make me miss you. Your laugh, Your sleepy voice, the way you get my attention when you want something.. I miss being comforted by you, you've taken my sadness away before... it's just a matter of when it will happen again. I miss the teenage us, I miss the careless nights with you, I miss our crazy camping adventures. I miss just cuddling you. I miss the trust we had. We were strong, just going through really rough times. You are my home, You are my human and I know I'm yours too. Just let me in... I'd rather be dead or alone than without you forever. I was so desperate to get over you, I didn't know how to do it, I fucked up. I jumped into a relationship, it was sort of fun at first I guess. But, now its gone to far. I cant get out of this relationship without bloodshed and tears. He lives with me and my family now. My parents love him, are like best friends with him. Theyre closer to him then me and him are. Literally. I havent slept in my own bed in weeks. God, i dont even remember the last time i kissed him or even look at his face. I cry alone at night just wishing he was you. Nobody compares to you. I'm drowning and no one knows. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone without having anyone notice? I hate how I can't even say your name without ridicule. It wasn't all dark times. I loved you before I knew how to love myself which is probably why I'm so torn. I didn't know what real love was until I met you. You taught me to be myself, you showed me what good feelings were. I loved you before drugs, before we altered our brains, I fell in love with the real you, and you brought me to life. You stuck up for me, loved me at my worst, you delt with my moods wings and emotional breakdowns. I'm not saying I just love you for the good times but for all of it. Bad and good. We fucked up and did some pretty horrible things to eachother.. but at the end of the night, we were in eachother's arms whispering "I love you, forevers and evers baby" "you promise?" "I promise baby" ...what we had was real, and it's only a matter of time. I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Please look past everything that happened between us and remember how you felt with me, how you talked to me, how you love..(d?) me. Remember us. Remember our loyalty and trust for one another. Let go of the past and tell me you feel the same way like I know you do. Look past incidents and reflect on us just through emotions. Don't feel with your words or memories. How you feel when youre in my arms is all that matters, does your heart race? Do your ears get hot or do you get crazy goosebumps? Is your body like magnets or your insides like putty? Or is there nothing? I need to know.

[survivorwakea]

Episode 5: “my scumbag ass did the unthinkable and dirtbagged myself to safety” - Adam

AHHHHH I DID IT my scumbag ass did the unthinkable and dirtbagged myself to safety, I’m not proud of what I had to do or how I behaved when Taylor got eliminated but in all honesty that was all I knew I could do to get me through.

So okay let me explain my mindset, I was a goner I felt fucked and my back was most certainly against the damn wall. Nobody was answering me and nobody was even trying to talk to me, I knew that Thomas and Chloe are tight as fuck so I needed Tom to think that Taylor was going for Chloe so he would feel that he needed to protect her.  All the red flags were there for Chloe and she knew it was m I could see it in her face that she didn’t believe me at all when I was framing Taylor. She knew that I had made it and I honestly did the dumbest thing ever by snapping and celebrating cause it was live to the cast and being all new to live tribals I wasn’t thinking at all

Okay so after a very explosive tribal council one that I will honestly learn a lot from for future games 😂😂 a swap happens and I was hoping that I could be swapped with like Elmo but I got out with Zack and Ian oh and Chloe... she loves me I swear.

I think I just need to work on just staying calm and cool to try and claw back from that very unneeded aggressiveness just gotta grind this challenge out and get a W

I’m on a tribe with Asya. This is gonna go SO well😒

Im still reeling from that fucking tribal. Im so mad at myself for voting out Taylor and letting Adam fucking manipulate me. Im sick of men, Im sick of their shit. Men have no place in my life right now, theyre all lying cheating fucking scumbags and I would rather cut my tongue out before I ever have to talk to another man again

So, this has been an interesting 24 hours. We swapped tribes again, and as it turns out, the two people who were probably beefing the most at tribal, Adam and Chloe -- they both end up on my tribe. It's a bit frustrating, because I like them both. And if we lose this challenge and have to go to tribal, and they end up opposite each other, I'm worried about picking sides. In fact, I'm worried, period, about this damn tribal. 5 people equals not many places to hide. Yikes.

I’ve been crying about it. I fucking suck, we just established that.

Well it's another loss! I feel like Denise Stapley xD. Anyways, I was put all alone on my new tribe but since I wanted to strangle Adam after what he did it's a good thing, but then I realize poor Chloe is with him I hope he gets it after that last vote. As for this vote, I think of Joey and his third grade picture of a flag that says Kane instead of Milu makes him the easy target. But it is still early, something may change. I'm glad to be back with Asya and both Bodhi and Jared are really cool. I feel I have options.

No. Fuck this. I'm absolutely sick of going to tribal. No. I'm not happy at all. I'm pretty sure I'm cursed right now and all I want to do is sleep. Also Adam is back in my DMs being like lol I still wanna work with u. No thank u to that either. Adam plus tribal makes Chloe not very happy

Well I’m going to another tribal council, I’m getting sick of these but I think if I survive this one their is a possibility merge is next so I think me and tribals will just stay being friends. Poor Chloe and Tommy though they legit have been to every single tribal where I’ve been to every one BUT one.

My plan here is to try and vote Justin with Ian and Zack and hopefully the three of us can Hold the majority this round and take him out so that way moving forward I still slightly gave chloe who I believe is starting to come around again. I think she is finally starting to understand that the only reason I did what I did was being I was getting voted out and desperate times call for desperate measures and I think she gets that.

I’m going to tell her about my plans to vote Justin in a little bit I just hope that she agrees to it calmly and we can just have a simple 4-1 and call it a day.

hey yawlls this round was wild... so basically we swapped AGAIN and I'm with ben, johnny, anabel and lily, so overall a very solid group of people.

I'm rlly happy that I'm on the tribe with Ben because we share a lot of same thoughts about the game and I think that we are somewhat of a duo? I mean there's no bond or agreement between us but still! Really happy to have him here bc I trust him a lot, maybe more than I should.

Then we also have Johnny. He's the obvious threat of the game. He loves challenges and he is pretty darn strong socially too. I was very happy when he approached me with a ride or die deal. It's rlly good for my game at least for now because in order for me to reach far in this game I need to work with a lot of threatening people, if I vote all the out, it won't be a good look for me. Johnny also revealed a lot about who he knows before the game (i kinda knew of a lot of the info though bc i follow a lot of different orgs oops sidfashfd). But yeah! I think this round could start a beautiful partnership between us, I doubt that it will last until the end but it's great that it's a thing at least for now

Next up is Anabel. She is a sweetheart and I see a genuine opportunity to work with her in this game. She's innocent queen so far and I think she'd be loyal to her alliances, however I am also aware that she has crackhead tendencies so I just can't take her loyalty for granted. I rlly like talking to her tho so I think the more I talk to her the less likely it is for her to try to make a move one me? We'll see I guess but I just don't wanna blindly trust her.

Lastly, Lily. Ugh, a busy queen. I am very happy that we won the challenge because if not, there's high chance of her getting voted out of the game. She isn't as connected as the rest of us. The reason why I went so hard for the challenge was because I don't think its smart for my game to vote her out. I REALLY don't see her flipping on me and if she were to do it, I think she'd tell me about it which is the exact reason I want her to be in the game cuz I know I'm gnna need ppl who are v loyal to me. I also have worked a lot on trying to build a bond with her on a gameplay level too and so far so good, I'd say!

I think my position in this tribe is vvvvv good because of the randomly formed group of me Johnny and Anabel (although nobody talks in there, I take it as their sign of I want to work with you). Johnny also has the Ku advantage and while he says that it's nothing, I am not sure if I believe that. I doubt its an idol but I have a feeling that it could be something to help him in the game, yanno? I think that eventually he's gonna tell me though, yanno? Idk this is my random thoughts of the game. It's a blessing to be at confirmed F13 but there's long way to gooooo and I'm kinda here for it.  My predictions for the boots on the other tribes are Joey and Adam but we'll see what happens !

Just won another challenge. Kinda wanted to go to tribal for this one so I could solidify some bonds with ppl but oh well. It could be worse. I could be going home this round lmao

THIS. ROUND. WILL. BE. THE. DEATH. OF. ME! i feel like this round is gonna throw a major wrench in my game for the upcoming days because it's gonna show some people that i'm not as loyal as i say i am. adam and ian think i'm in an alliance with them and that is NOT the case! i feel more loyal to chloe and justin and think i can advantage further in the game with those two. adam and ian think we're all gonna be voting to evict justin, but when adam gets 3 of the votes and winds up going home, i don't think it's gonna be pretty. ian is gonna see that i was never loyal to him but WHATEVER! i had to do what i had to do and i had to lie to them to protect my own self this round! i didn't want them to flip the name around on me, because you never know what could happen in a game like survivor! so yes. me chloe and justin are in a serious alliance and we all plan on evicting adam. adam and ian think i'm in a serious alliance with them and are gonna be evicting justin. so.. this is gonna be another tribal council for the books of celestial i feel like.. so lets get ready and prepare for war! bring it gays.

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i honestly can't help but think the worse. yes, i trust chloe and justin 100% but.. justin seems to be stressed since adam and ian wanna vote him out. so justin can easily turn this around on me and tell adam and ian everything if he is LITERALLY worried about leaving. and chloe can just turn around and tell ian and adam what i'm doing if chloe wants me out. so yes. i trust them, but my mind can't stop thinking the worse. if chloe and/ or justin think i'm a threat in this game, they can turn this all around on me and vote me out since i'm doing the most here and lying my ass off to adam and ian and in an alliance chat with them right now. i'm worried, but i'm just gonna pray this all works out.

https://youtu.be/P9aV81hAjZY

https://youtu.be/0hB313P66RE

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Adam is voted out 3-2. Thomas is voted out 4-1 at double tribal.

[crusty-the-snowman]

THE AU

How to train your dragon au Humans: Michael Jake Chloe Jenna Christine Dragons Rich - flame whipper Jeremy: night fury Mr.Heere: also nightfury fight me The squip: blue death (haha like red death) Brooke: Nadder? Changewing? Take this while I'm playing my How To Train Your Dragon Game SO Michael works as a blacksmith And so do his moms, Its kind of a family thing for them Michael, Jake, Jenna, Chloe and Christine are in training to learn how to slay dragons But theyre bad at working as a group, and on their own Christine and Jake tend to be spacey and were awful at keeping an eye on the dragons And Michael really just knows how to make weapons, not so much use them The people who stood the best chance were Jenna who honestly jyst likes studying dragons so she knows a lot about them And Chloe whos very good with weapons But those two couldnt work together very well. Mr.Reyes is dissapointed in his latest students. Michaels moms assured him its okay and if he can still be a blacksmith Its somewhat assuring, but not quite for Michael personally Jake would say his parents were dissapointed in him but they were taken by dragons, It wouldve made him a chief, but because hes so young Chloe parents were put in charge until Jakes old enough During a dragon raid one night Michael tried to shoot a Night Fury only to find himself horrifically missing and dissapointed in himself During said raid a couple dragons even go out of their cages A couple days later Michael went to gather wood only to find Night Fury scales Upon following them he found a A Night Fury with its legs wrapped up in a net in an odd way like it got itself tangled Michael with nothing else he can do with it, started to try and check out this strange dragon and document it the best he could. Only upon trying to look at its legs, unwrapped it just enough for the dragon to get away and found it didnt try to kill him. Because it was getting late Michael had to go home. The next day he went to retrieve the rope (he realized it could still be used) and noticed there were tracks assumedly from the Night Fury, but they looked bigger than he remembered Long story short Michael followed the tracks and finds the Night Fury. It doesnt appear injured but it appears VERY clumsy and occupied with a pond its trying to catch fish in. But Michael with a lack of planning for this to happen decides to start writing in a notebook the things he notices about the Night Fury from a distance. When he gets home he beings the rope back and lets his moms know he found it, (which theyre very proud of him for doing) So Michael starts leaving to study this Night Fury more, thinking he could be like the botanists that wrote the book of dragons and be really good at this. His moms are mainly happy hes found taking walks to be a sort of nice hobby He also notes Jake leaving late at night often as Michael comes back around the same time and maybe because hes really gay for Jake (this is relevant) After one very long day thats turning into night Michael realises something that he can't find an explanation for while watching this night fury hes dubbed Jeremy 1. Jeremy can't seem to hunt for himself but he seems well fed 2. Jeremy definitely doesnt match the size of the tracks he followed to him that seem to still match the shape of his foot Because he's stayed out so late though Michael gets his answer Theres the sound of a thud outside of the tunnel and in a panic he scrambles all the way inside the cave just barely out of the way to see another larger Night Fury to come in that definitely better matches the tracks he follwed The size difference suggests and same species suggests maybe this Jeremys dad. Which seems confirmed when he finds this is the the one who seems to be feeding Jeremy And it makes a lot more sense now Michael shot the net and missed hitting the Night Fury he was aiming for, but Jeremy was the one who ended up tangled up in it. For now Michael intends to leave but trying to go towards the tunnel doesnt go well when he drops his notebook Because of this in a matter of minutes hes stuck in place with a large Night Furry towering over him and huffing Michaels pretty sure this is it for him and closes his eyes regretting his life choices Until this Night Fury sneezed and proceeded to puke a fish on him like it puked fish up for Jeremy. And its clear he was just sniffing Michael and seemed to see him as a not a threat (unbeknownst to Michael its partially because Michaels been collecting NightFury scales that Jeremys been shedding and led to him smelling like him) Its also noteable Jeremy didn't take notice of Michael until his dad moved towards him. And as jeremys dad was getting Jeremys attention instead of making any noise he would manage to touch jeremy first to get his attention And until this point jeremy never took notice of Michael before when he he'd dropped things so appeared Jeremy had hearing problems which possibly had affected Jeremys abilty to hunt With this Michael came home very late and ended up having to tell his moms the truth who were very worried about him Surprisingly they werent mad considering they let Michael talk and explain how Jeremy and his dad didnt attack him and Jeremys dad even tried to feed him. Michaels moms thought this was interesting because nobody known anything about Night Furys before and Michael has the scales to prove it. They promise not to tell because Michael and his moms also know Chloes parents wouldnt be as understanding and if they heard Michael suddenly befriended dragons For now Michael keeps going alone to visit Jeremy who hes now found is quite friendly and even stops caring when Michael doesnt vary the scales with that makes him smell like a Night Fury If anything Jeremy gets excited the moment he can smell Michael and even starts saving food for when Michael shows up. (Though Michael just pretends to eat it and later bring it back to feed Jeremys dad) Over time it seems like Michaels been improving at the academy for (understanding) and "defeating" dragons, though Jake just seems better at dodging and being ignored by them Over time Michael even gets the idea to see if Jeremy can fly since hes yet to see it and one night hangs out to wait for Jeremys dad to also show up It's becomes apparent by comparison Jeremy has a weirdly formed tail wing which with a lack of hearing might mean Jeremy has some birth defects  [que some of Michael getting help from his moms to make a prosthetic similar to the movie] Michael then waits till Jeremys dad returns in hopes to fly with him and that way he can also count on him to teach Jeremy to fly assuming Jeremy hasnt been able to prior The first attempt is rough as Jeremy finds Michael cannot hold on if theyre flying upside down, but Mr.Heere is big enough he manages to grab Michael by the back of his shirt and carry Jeremy to the ground very carefully The next couple attemps was Michael and Jeremy learning to work together to fly and jeremy being taught to fly by jers dad who just so happy his son and the weird small fleshy dragon he's befriended are able to fly with him together Also in this time (maybe also because flying was way fun and Michael felt like he could do anything if he could help Jeremy fly) Michael finds the courage to ask out Jake and happen to run into him when Jakes returning home in the dead of night. Jake seems very frantic in getting inside which makes Michael very worried until he hears a squawk but not a bird type squawk And Jake panics and asks Michael to promise he wont tell anyone about what hes doing if Jake let's him inside Michaels says yes and next thing he knows Jake has pulled him into a kiss for a moment before pulling him inside One of the dragons that had escaped to academy during a raid was a red and light blue Flamewhipper, a dragon resembling a gecko and used to constantly drop its tail and paralyze people making fighting it hard Well, Michael thought it escaped like everyone else until suddenly said dragon has crawled down from the ceiling to try and eat fish and a plant called ceriman Jake seems to have in his backpack. Jake named this dragon Rich and admits during the raid he'd taken the time to free Rich feeling like the dragons weren't bad and they were essentially tormenting the dragons in there. However Rich ended up following Jake to his house. Possibly because Jakes house is warm compared to outside and Rich is very fond of crawling in and laying on Jakes jacket So every night since, Jakes been feeding Rich who has yet to leave on his own and seems to be particularly fond of Jake himself to the point Jake has been sharing a bed with him Which now explains why dragons lately have been ignoring Jake as he shells like another dragon Michael doesnt give specifics but says he has a similar situation occuring that his moms know about and decides to stay over with how late it is Rich steals part of Jakes bed Michael also offers for his moms to help Jake feed Rich but Jake declines saying hes worried Rich might not be fond of many people Later that night Jake also apologizes for kissing Michael saying he's been crushing on him for awhile and only did it because he was greatful Michael wasn't going to tell anyone Jakes explanation for his actions is a big gay mood for Michael Michael also asks if he can kiss Jake again Jake says yes and they kiss for a moment until Rich squawks at them because Jake stopped petting him The next day Jake is introduced to Jeremy who thinks Jake is another small fleshy dragon and tries to play with him also sniffs him heavily because he smells Rich and "where is other dragon??!! I can smell him but hes not on this fleshy dragon?!??" Michael explains Jeremy cant hear and has dad that typically feeds him, he also cant fly which is what Michael helps him do with his prosthetic sort of tail Jeremy pukes fish on Jake and Michael tells him he typically feeds it to Jeremys dad later at night Michael also tells Jake hes welcome to come by to visit jeremy and his dad as long as Michael's there too incase Jeremys dad acts differemt towards Jake smelling like a different dragon Jake also asks if Michael and his moms could help make him a saddel like Jeremy has but for Rich Part 1 bc it wont let me post more on this