#none of them are a good match for anyone anyway. theyre all cardboard. so i have to do the legwork to give them personalities 😒

[electoons]

fuck it. ulothir moodboard

[nprcy]

Three ways to Shop for Medium-Young-Old Adults During the Holiday Season

OH HI GUYS (Hi Mom, Hi random person I went to high school/university/Japan with who clicked on this link by accident.) WELCOME BACK TO MY CHANNEL! So, I know it’s been quite some time since my last post (2 years) (*post-publishing correction, it’s been slightly less than 1 year. Eat me, at least I fact-checked.) but yeah, you know, things get so crazy when you find other ways to waste your time on the internet! Anyway, I’m back again-  here to give you some handy last- minute shopping tips for those ambiguously-aged adults who are SOOOOO THE WORST to buy gifts for! TBH it’s almost like they’re too old to do gifts anyway, but none of them have had children yet, so it’s awkward to stop now and it’s like... Chrasmas! 

I may not have been an adult doing adult-y things for a long time (SPOILER ALERT: I’m still not an adult) but I have been all three types of people on this list, so I know with absolute certainty what their deepest desires are during this sacred, gift-shoving-down-throat season.

Medium-Young-Old Adult Type One: Atoning Sinner

This is for that person who is SO PUMPED for a NEW YEAR AND A NEW... THEM! Help them on their way to starting over in January before it’s too late for them to start off their new year RIGHT. Because it’s not like time is relative, and a “new year” could really start at any point during our predictable, celestial tumble around the sun. No, no... no. Reinvention can only TRULY begin in the instance of January 1st until the next time we collectively agree it’s January 1st. Bottom line: this person is a real go getter, albeit a procrastinator, and they’re poorly equipped for their new start- so help them out by BUYing them... 

-a fitbit

-a prescriptio- I mean...subscription to a cardboard box of vegetables that comes to their neighbour’s house by accident every month

-fitness magazines featuring people on the cover who get paid to do exercise so they can look like that, but you can too!

-that new title about a specific food item by that famous doctor/trainer/actually someone who isn’t either of those things but has authority anyway

-passes to exercise classes 

-headphones to block out the voices in your head telling you that YOU CAN’T DO ANOTHER SQUAT #youcan #youdid

-a mug that says something empowering on it like “SHE DREAMED IT SO SHE DID IT” that is made of  ceramic or some other delicate material so you can’t actually use it in the environments in which you could actually use a silly slogan to boost your self confidence, but you’ll feel really pumped up while you eat your cereal

Medium-Young-Old Adult Type Two: Ambitious Sinner

This is for that special person who always makes you feel a little shittier about life and the future, but still makes you laugh about it. That’s a special person right there, you hold onto them. Just like anyone else, they have desires around the CHRASMAS season, albeit most of those desires are just for it to either not exist (sorry, can’t because CAPITALISM) or for it to pass by quickly and painlessly. Here are some items that will help that clock tick faster (remember, time is RELATIVE, and never more so than when you’re with your relatives.) Get them:

-alcohol of choice (enough to last them approximately just past new year’s day when the ‘holidays’ are ‘over’) 

-hangover pills (yes, they actually exist, and they can be found by the pedialyte in most pharmacies. You could also just give them pedialyte. It’s just like gatorade.)

-gatorade (because there are just more flavour varieties than pedialyte can compete with.)

-doritos for when the gatorade/pedialyte gets them too hydrated and depletes the necessary levels of salt they need in their system to function (tell them straight up eating raw packets of lipton’s chicken noodle soup will do the trick too)

-a bunch of those lemon scented wet wipes you stole/extorted out of some server at a chicken wing joint of your choice. They’re really handy if your life is always a mess and your recipient will appreciate how hard it was for you to get your hands on them- talk about thoughtful!

-a gel gem to cover their entire bathroom mirror so they don’t have to see themselves doing those cliche ‘stare at myself after dramatically splashing face’ moments during reflective moments of duress and shame

-a magic self-filling popcorn bowl that can be pulled out of thin air so that it can be used as a comical prop during moments of heated discussion, debate or general drama that you want your loved one to maliciously and fashionably enjoy

-magic dust that could revive their childlike wonder during the holiday season, and NO this is not code for cocaine

-matches for burning bridges 

Good for both of the people above: Sweatpants

Medium-Young-Old Adult Type Three: Combination/Nihilist

Aside from the sweatpants, buy the matches and the health magazines. They can either use them separately as they so choose or use them on one another to neutralise both items... and after a brief pouf of flame- create that amazing, empty void representing the futility of existence. Who knew you could give someone you love THAT? You’re welcome.

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*If you feel your 25+ something loved one is not well represented by these lists, it may be that they do not qualify as medium-young-old adults. This said, you may want to reference shopping lists for “Adults who Retain Childlike Wonder and Interests” or “Adults who are actually Adults So We Just Want Socks and Perhaps a Nice Bottle of Wine” or “Adults Who Have Children so Why Don’t Shop For Me Just Get Something For Baby Emry”  or even  “Yo, I Don’t Do Xmas Remember? That Time You Came To My Bat Mitzvah?” Adults. All of which I will release in my next blog post in the year 2025.

See you in 2025!