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#not because I feel guilty over not finishing SotRL or anything like that
myname-isnia
·
7 months
Text
*wakes up*
*grabs phone*
*email notification*
*new comment on SotRL*
*throws phone to the far side of adjacent couch*
*goes back to sleep*
#NOT TODAY THANK YOU
#not ever. preferably
#I was not emotionally prepared for this
#look... I think I might be the direct opposite of literally every writer on the planet
#because seeing that email made me feel sick to my stomach
#this has singlehandedly sent my entire day off kilter
#I'm supposed to go to my grandma's today but now all I want to do is rot in bed for the rest of the day
#literally anyone else would have been happy to receive a several sentences long comment praising them
#but my initial reactions were 'how the fuck did you find this?' 'why the fuck would you read it?' and 'I should've deleted when I wanted to'
#I've heard countless stories about sudden comments received years after the last update kicking authors into continuing the story
#usually in PSAs to always comment or whatever
#but I just feel awful
#not because I feel guilty over not finishing SotRL or anything like that
#just.. because this is exactly the reason why I wanted to delete that fic
#people reading anything I've written makes me want to die but SotRL especially
#it's old. the writing is bad. there's a reason I call it my greatest failure
#I don't want people to read it. that's why I wanted it gone
#and the comment was so nice too. much more than just a call for an update
#I hate that it caused this reaction in me because it's clear the person only had the best intentions in mind
#but I can't control my emotions. far from the first time I wish that I could
#someone put me in the guiness world record book as the first person to ever get genuinely upset over a nice comment
#I laugh shit like this off as the mortifying ordeal of being known or whatever but in reality it's so much worse
#if I didn't have anything to stop me my entire ao3 account would be gone. I hate the thought of people reading my work
#just further proof that I'm not a writer. that I spent six years deluding myself into believing that I was
#trying to shove square pieces into triangular holes like a dumb toddler
#I should have quit before any of this happened. erased everything and forgotten about it like a bad dream
#I should have never started writing in the first place
#if I had the chance to go back in time and tell one thing to my 11 year old self it would be to not even think about writing
#it has brought me nothing but pain and suffering and I really should have stayed away from it
#too late now. I've been irreversibly ruined
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