#not that I have a lot of mobility im horrible at limbo but I don’t want the op it seems very scary

[pommepommepomme]

´

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I genuinely don't know if "read more" cuts actually work on mobile these days, but if not im so sorry mobile users--skip this or filter out #personal or #long post

I just went and read through some of my personal posts from the past like 8 years on this blog and I have some thoughts:

I really used to use this site wayyyy more for venting my anxieties and talking about my depression to keep myself from hurting myself, and to just organize my thoughts when I was overwhelmed and rationalize when my RSD was getting the better of me and looking back, I think it helped a lot (hence why I felt like doing this little reflection)

obviously it's not as helpful as therapy wouldve been, but it's like venting in a journal. except a journal where you could open it up to write a new entry without having to see your cringy last entry right next to it, which is nice

mostly I never expected ppl to read them (and if I thought about how many strangers potentially did read them I'd probably be pretty embarrassed) but it was always nice to get a note or two in comfort, even if I never replied to them

other thoughts:

I.... Kinda miss school?? Which is wild to say after reading all these posts about how anxious school made me, but I remember the glorious feeling of thinking I did horribly on something and getting like an A- in the end. I keep telling myself I'll get that old feeling and the support of structure and daily friends when I start grad school but honestly I think grad school is gonna be pretty different...

I def dont miss how depressed and awkward I was in high school but I miss having a solid group of friends at school I could joke around with AND a group of friends online I could talk to about personal stuff, fandom stuff, and gay stuff. genuinely they got me through high school... im sad we all drifted apart

that said, most of my high school friends still live in the area (one even sold me my spiderman ticket this morning!) so I could totally make plans w them...but then theyd remind me of my ex/exbff and that wound isnt quite healed enough for that yet (god forbid they actually try inviting her to the meetup)

reading these old sad, anxious posts about how stressed I am in the moment or how worried I am about the future (esp right before I graduated college and was worried about this exact point in my life, out of school, between jobs, future uncertain) I wanna go back and hug myself?? tell myself its gonna be ok??

like yeah rn I'm experiencing that limbo feeling of living at home w an unstructured life and no solid plans for the future that I knew was gonna happen after I graduated, but now I feel sturdier, like I know I can take it and come back on top. cos I've been thru shit like this before, yknow??

I've felt lonely and directionless so many times before!! and looking back on it, some of the best periods of my life came right after those times, when I decided I needed to get my shit together

Sure, I'm not graduating top of my class with a Master's and a career as a prestigious zoologist firmly ahead of me, but I'll get there. No rush. It's enough to just have a good friend and know I have plenty of opportunities ahead of me, even if my path to success isnt very obvious or direct or easy

Kudos to you if anyone's actually read this far. I definitely don't expect anyone to. Sorry if you got sucked into this shit lol but if you have that makes you an honorary best friend, bc only my best friends know this much about me

Congrats, new bestie!

This got away from me as usual, but believe it or not I DID edit this down lmao