Alun as a Deity ;
Tagged by: @lordofcrowns (Thank you!)
Tagging: I’m very late to this, so feel free to steal it from me if you haven’t done it yet.
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DEITY OF: Oaths, Retribution, Wanderers.
ASSOCIATED WITH: Mountains, chains, the sun, forgetting something important, sudden inexplicable anger, whispered promises, quakes and shatters, lethargy, being unsure if a memory is truly a memory or a dream, homesick with no home, urgency to escape.
SACRED PLANTS: Forget-me-not, zinnia, myrica, rhododendron, oak, stemless gentian.
SACRED STONES/GEMS: Yellow turmaline, gold, topas, amber, sphalerite.
SACRED ANIMALS: Ram, lizard, yols.
COLORS: Black, navy blue, gold, dark red.
FOOD: Any kind of red meat, wine, tea.
SCENTS: Coal, sea breeze, petricor.
ACCEPTED OFFERINGS ;
Offerings are usually meant to request a favor of the deity besides for pure devotion if one desires protection in an upcoming journey or simple reprisal on another’s life, though the goddess isn’t too demanding with her offerings, there are a few items that will get her favor most likely than others.
Despite that, offerings shouldn’t be repeated too many times as it might not find the deity’s attention. Some form of variety or rare, curious items seem to be always appreciated. She’s not known to descend wrath on who doesn’t please her enough with their offerings, but if any of it seems to be distasteful in any form, she might cause the very opposite of what was asked of her. Flesh/blood offerings are known to be most respected kind.
Shrines and altars aren’t too hard to find, if one knows what they are looking for. In strange rock or crystals formations marked by blood, sometimes found in the most unexpected places - though one way to be certain is near cliffs and by sea. It’s often left with the remnants of some offering expected to be cleaned up after before someone proceeds to properly use it. It is also expected that anyone that approaches said shrines must bow in respect before offering or asking for anything.
Food; The most common offering and still one of the trickiest ones, there are rumours that any meal can be enough - but there are specifics that one should have in mind if they mean to really please the goddess; though none of it is certain or not. Such as human flesh, or any form of rare beast or monster, as long as it’s prepared properly and it must taste delicious, or else it might bring her own revenge upon them. Meals must always be accompanied with some form of drink, commonly wine or herbal tea.
Coin; There isn’t a specific form of coin or gold that she prefers, as long as it’s worthy in a way, though the most expensive/precious, the better. Be it coins or any form of currency from distant lands, silver to gold, and jewels, and so on. As long as it carries a price.
Gems; She seems to favor those who offer the gems associated to her, though any gem or crystal is properly taken, preferably polished and treated with the utmost care, to be offered among any form of soft cloth or bandages.
Common objects; There are a couple of random objects that could get her attention, diversifying in many forms and also value or how much she will appreciate it, which takes weight on how it will please her or how well she’d do any request. Such as; candles, bandages, any form of meaningful mementos or tokens, cigar, tomes, bones, etc.
Any Trivia:
If any offerings isn’t pleasing enough, its items will be left in the shrine untouched for several days, to either be cleaned or removed. While if the offering got to be upsetting to her, the only signal that will indicate such will be how almost everything will be either broken or immediately rotten.
Its often common to catch a glimpse of flowing silk, golden rings or dark blue hair when one finishes their offerings, much like the noise of chains dragging, or someone whispering something almost inaudible.
Some claim to have seen the deity bowing in return when they leave.
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110 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from comedians – iNews
Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present.
Best jokes from comedians
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine
“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” – David Letterman
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg
“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” – Phil Wang
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne
(Photo: Pexels.com)
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” – Joe Lycett
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson
“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr
“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” – Gary Delaney
“Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?’” – Peter Kay
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis
Read more:
100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)
“People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” – Joel Dommett
“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’” – Paul Merton
“Normally you have news, weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, news is weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre
“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones
“Someone showed me a photograph of my local MP the other day.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?’ they asked.
‘Would you buy a second-hand car?’ I replied.” – Miles Jupp
“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly
“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.’” – Stewart Francis
Stewart Francis is a master of the one-liner
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr
Read more:
115 of the best bad jokes
105 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds
“My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.” – Lee Evans
“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.” – Victoria Wood
I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said: “How flexible are you?”
I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.” – Tommy Cooper
“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’
The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’
And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.’” – Ronnie Barker
“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.” – Lucy Porter
“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” – Dara Ó Briain
“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard
“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” – Greg Davies
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?”
– Eric Lampaert
Classic one-liners
A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster!
I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four.
I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”
A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.
I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check tablecloth. It took them two hours to pass the salt.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: “Oi – get out. We don’t want your type in here.”
(Photo: Pexels)
I’m in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s supply of Marmite – one jar.
I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
Read more:
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I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: “Did you get my drift?”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
A jumplead walks into a bar. The barman says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she’d popped her clogs.
I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
(Photo: Flickr)
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “Really? In that case, give me a Kyle!”
I went to the doctors the other day and he said: “Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.” So I went – and I got it.
Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.
I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants. It was Wedgie Kray.
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a Catholic converter.
I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags. He’s bisatchel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
Cringe-worthy (but amusing) puns
Read more:
105 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.
My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
(Photo: Shutterstock)
I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.
I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
And some jokes for the kids
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
What do you call a cow on a trampoline? A milk shake!
Where do cows go for entertainment? To the moo-vies!
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed? Your head hits the ceiling!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Read more:
110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
Why are ghosts bad liars? Because you can see right through them!
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore!
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert? Because she was stuffed.
What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!
What did one plate say to the other plate? Dinner is on me!
More jokes:
Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You
38 of the funniest cat jokes and memes
Jeremy Hardy: remembering the comedian’s funniest jokes and quotes
34 of the best Valentine’s Day jokes and funniest one-liners
30 of Michael McIntyre’s best jokes and funniest one-liners
Best father of the bride jokes for a wedding speech to remember
100 best Christmas jokes and funniest festive season one-liners
100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp
Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal quotes
30 of the best jokes about Theresa May
25 of Dara Ó Briain’s best jokes and funniest quotes
38 of the funniest Russell Howard jokes
The 28 funniest Greg Davies jokes and quotes
The best Graham Norton jokes and most scathing put-downs
Here are 10 of the funniest jokes written by kids
35 of the funniest jokes by Northern comedians
The 31 funniest South Park jokes and quotes
100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners
100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny)
26 of Seann Walsh’s greatest jokes
16 of Barry Chuckle’s greatest jokes
34 of Lee Evans’ funniest jokes and quotes
30 of Romesh Ranganathan’s funniest jokes and quotes
26 of Sara Pascoe’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of Eddie Izzard’s funniest jokes and quotes
41 of David Mitchell’s funniest jokes and quotes
21 of Rhod Gilbert’s funniest jokes and one-liners
45 of the funniest 8 out of 10 Cats jokes
41 of Stewart Francis’ most ingenious jokes and one-liners
19 of the funniest World Cup jokes from stand-up comedians
30 of Jack Whitehall’s funniest jokes
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100 pun-based jokes that will make you laugh and cringe
50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke
31 Best Man jokes that will work for any wedding
100 of the funniest short jokes that will have you laughing in seconds
105 of the best bad jokes
105 of the best clean jokes and one-liners
50 football jokes to make you laugh – or groan
100 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny
25 of Peter Kay’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
26 of Stewart Lee’s most gloriously acerbic jokes
49 of Monty Python’s funniest jokes
45 of Ricky Gervais’ funniest jokes
17 of Ken Dodd’s most ingeniously funny jokes
27 of Sarah Millican’s laugh out loud jokes
50 of Jimmy Carr’s funniest jokes and one-liners
50 of Milton Jones’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Tim Vine’s most ingenious jokes and one-liners
50 of Frankie Boyle’s funniest (and darkest) jokes
25 of Charlie Brooker’s most cutting jokes and insults
25 of Lee Mack’s wittiest jokes and one-liners
75 of Billy Connolly’s best jokes, one-liners and quips
30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland – from Scotland
And some hilarious quotes:
29 best Gavin and Stacey quotes and funniest jokes from James Corden and Ruth Jones’ comedy
38 of the funniest Ron Swanson quotes that made Parks and Recreation unmissable
31 Richard Madeley quotes, gaffes and surreal moments that prove he truly is Alan Partridge
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38 of the most darkly funny League of Gentlemen quotes
41 of the funniest quotes from The Good Place about life and death
30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and quotes
Burt Reynolds’ greatest quotes – remembering the actor’s wit and wisdom following his death aged 82
23 of Outnumbered’s funniest (and possibly unscripted) quotes)
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