#nothing anywhere near as bad as Tsuba here

[maideninorange]

Hmmmmm 47 with Tsubakura and... Idk whoever you wanna write that particular brand of angst with because I can't decide between YabuTsuba, TsubaKuro, or some other ship I haven't thought of.

47. "I don't trust you to be alone."

Why do Yabusame or Kuroji when I could do Yabusame and Kuroji at the same time?

(TW: while nothing of that nature happens here, there are still detailed and heavy discussions of a planned suicide and mental illness (mainly depression, though there is also a little mention of anxiety at one point). Stay safe everyone!)

There was something wrong with Tsubakura.

Yabusame couldn't explain how they know something is wrong, but they just knew. Tsubakura is never this happy during their misery weeks, as they like to call them. They usually either sleep, roam, or murmur self-deprecating remarks, and so their mood can best be described as static.

So when Yabusame heard Tsubakura say with a smile that they will never need to worry about them again tomorrow, warning sirens sounded in their gut that they needed to do something. Fast.

And so they acted on their first instinct: drag Tsubakura over to Kuroji's place in order to see if they could help out. They may fool Jinbei and Shion (if only to a certain extent; Yabusame managed to keep them from following by promising to get them some tasty souls before they return), but they cannot fool Yabusame. They remembered Kuroji muttering something about being "so anxious they can't feel anything", whatever that meant. So maybe they can help Tsubakura?

Those were the thoughts running through their head as they knocked on the door.

"Yabusame, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine." Tsubakura insisted for the umpteenth time, "See, look at me! I'm fiiinnnee!"

All Yabusame saw were the sunken eyes and weathered clothes and hair of someone who hadn't bathed in days.

"No you're not!" they snapped back, "I'm so sorry, Tsuba, but there's something really, really wrong here. I don't know what, but..."

"I'm afraid you'll do something you'll regret," were the words that wouldn't leave their mouth. All they could do was give Tsubakura a pained, pleading look. They were not fine, otherwise they wouldn't be fighting so hard to avoid seeing Kuroji.

Tsubakura only scoffed, "Don't give me that look. I'm telling ya, you're overthinking this. Besides, what good is a burden to such a carefree airhead anyway?"

Yabusame wanted to respond, but they never got the chance to. Almost as soon as Tsubakura finished speaking, the door opened.

The person who greeted them was, of course, Kuroji. It usually is, since Yabusame is pretty sure they and Tsubakura are the only visitors they get on a regular basis, if at all. There were noticeable bags under their eyes and their muscles looked tense, but it was nothing too out of the ordinary for them.

"Great, what are you two doing out here at this time of-"

All of that ordinariness evaporated the moment they laid eyes on Tsubakura.

"Tsu-Tsubakura?! You seem rather-"

"I'm fine," Tsubakura insisted again, "Already said it about fifty-seven times to this wonder of the universe. How many times will I have to spell it out to ya too?"

"Says the person who obviously hasn't cleaned themself in two weeks," they stole a glance Yabusame's way, eyebrows raised as if asking them to explain themselves.

"Tsubakura, you're really scaring me," Yabusame began, unsure of how to really describe it. Frankly, they weren't really sure how they knew something was wrong with them. On the surface, nothing was, at least for them during one of these periods of empty melancholy they are prone to having. It was more just a gut feeling than anything concrete.

"I...I don't think you should be alone right now."

"What are you talkin' about? I'm fine, you'll be fine, everything will be fine tomorrow." They flashed a lopsided grin, slightly twitching, "I'll give them exactly what they want, and then nothin' bad oughta happen to any of you ever again."

Kuroji paled, their nails digging into their jacket. Their face hardened, "Yabusame-kun is right for once. I don't trust you to be alone either."

"Don't be ridiculous you two! I'm fine! I'm fine!" They repeated, laughing way too hard for it to be genuine. They took a step back. And another. And another.

"Oh no you don't!"

And then, Kuroji vanished from the doorstep and reappeared behind Tsubakura. They forced their hands under their shoulders, stopping them in their tracks. Tsubakura tried to stomp their foot on Kuroji's, but it did nothing to deter them.

It was then that Yabusame acted. They grabbed Tsubakura's wrists, wincing at their vacant stare, betrayed.

"Unhand me, you dumbasses! Why won't either of you listen to me?!"

"Are you even listening to yourself?! The only person in danger right now is you!" Kuroji shouted, "What would ever make you think killing yourself would protect us?!"

Oh?!

Yabusame blinked. Their grip on their wrists froze in place, their jaw slack, "Tsuba...You...Is Kuroji-san right? You were actually going to-"

"Yes!!! Okay?!" Tsubakura snapped. Then, they stumbled forward, their head hanging low, "Caught me red-handed..."

Yabusame faltered as they fell towards them, their hand shaking as they reach for the back of their head. All the fight Tsubakura once had was utterly gone. Only untold suffering remains.

They knew they weren't anywhere near as smart as either Tsubakura or Kuroji. Or most normal people, for that matter. But man, did Yabusame feel like an idiot right now. The allusions to their plan, once obscure and confusing, were now so...so obvious in hindsight.

Their odd joy over the past couple days, the sorting through various chemicals, and the allusions to things "getting better" tomorrow...It felt so clear to them now.

That did not change the fact the realization of Tsubakura's horrible plan felt like a searing knife had plunged through their chest.

Kuroji let go of Tsubakura, letting Yabusame scoop them up in a tight hug. They just stood there, tense, observing them as Tsubakura sank into the affection. Them not fighting tooth and nail against it was most likely the biggest sign that they really shouldn't be alone right now, and both of them understood that fact uncomfortably well.

Eventually, Kuroji moved. They put their hand on Tsubakura's back, stroking them lightly as their version of comfort.

"...Inside. Now."

Tsubakura raised their head from Yabusame's shoulder, eyes stained red, "But what abou-"

"Saragimaru is out stalking that ancient reptile they call their sibling." Kuroji affirmed swiftly, "As for the other two blabbermouths... They know better than to ask unwanted questions."

They rub their neck uncomfortably. Even if Tsubakura wasn't currently consuming all of their thoughts, Yabusame would've known better than to pry.

The moments after that felt like a blur. Kuroji approached, and so Yabusame adjusted Tsubakura so that they could both lead them into the shabby cabin. Hooaka and Aoji, like Kuroji had said, only stared in awe at them. A single glare shut down any lingering words either might've had on the tips of their tongues.

Yabusame only felt awareness return to them when they reached Kuroji's bedroom. They worked quickly to help Tsubakura sit down on the futon. The moment they touched the shoddy mattress, their dearest friend just curled in on themself.

They've given up on everything. And that broke their heart.

Kuroji was at Yabusame's side again in an instant, a washcloth in hand. They dabbled it on Tsubakura's forehead, an unreadable expression on their face as they drew in deep breaths.

"So tell me, Tsubakura: What would ever make you think killing yourself is magically going to solve all of our problems?!"

Tsubakura tensed, before slumping forward. Even with the clear pains in Kuroji's voice they must've been taking to restrain themself. Yabusame squeezed their hand, cringing.

"I...I really don't know. It's just that with their return, I just know they'll be gunnin' for both of ya, just like anyone else stupid enough to get close to me..."

Long, dirty nails went to dab away gathering tears from their gaunt face, "So I ended up thinkin' to myself: 'Maybe the little voice in the back of my head is right? Maybe y'all are better off without me in the way?' So-Sorry...No grand noble reason here...As disappointing as the rest of me..."

"Don't be ridiculous," Kuroji scoffed, "Would attempting to surpass you be such a difficult task if you were a complete disappointment?"

"Would be a waste of time either way," they refuted, monotone, "Always had this funny obsession with me..."

"My point still stands." They scowled, clasping their hands together, "Besides, wouldn't committing suicide be exactly what that asshole wants? To have known they've driven you to that point must make them giddy with joy."

"I guess...But I still don't get why both of you would want me alive. I've been nothing but awful to ya..." Tsubakura gritted their teeth, clutching Yabusame's tie, "Especially you, Yabusame..."

"That's in the past now though! I could never hate ya, Tsuba..." Yabusame went to lightly boop Tsubakura on the nose, hesitated for a moment (What if they get mad at me? They're going through so much...), then did it anyway before they could lose their nerve.

But Tsubakura didn't swat their hand or pout like they usually do. Instead, they weakly grasped Yabusame's wrist, gaze almost vacant. They turned to look at Kuroji, voice wavering, "Come on, you hate me, don't cha? You have to, after all my-"

"Think you're annoying as hell? Absolutely. But hate you? To the point of wishing for your death?" Kuroji pressed close to Tsubakura's other side, brushing the messy strands of unkept hair away, "Would I entrust my siblings' well-being to you if I wanted you dead?"

Tsubakura gaped, their breathing shallow. Tears pooled in their eyes, "There's no way...You mustn't miss me when I'm..."

"That isn't the Tsubakura I know talking. It's the little demon in your head." Kuroji reaffirmed, "I won't pretend I understand your feelings, but I know what it's like to be hated. Just know that-"

"Don't say it..."

Kuroji didn't get the chance to. Yabusame said it instead.

"You're not alone!"

And that was when the dam burst. Tsubakura pulled them and Kuroji in, ugly, messy sobs reverberating out of them. Yabusame wrapped their arms tightly around them, letting them bury their head into their shoulder. They could feel Kuroji's hands find their way to their sides, mimicking the gesture in their own way.

Yabusame felt like they remained in that hug for hours. They didn't even realize they had started crying themself until they noticed the small stain of tears on Tsubakura's clothing. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered beyond the wails of Tsubakura's walls crumbling around them.

Eventually, Kuroji pulled away. Tsubakura made a weak attempt to grab their jacket, but that got them nowhere. So they settled for gripping Yabusame tightly, and refusing to let go.

That's fine though. Tsubakura needs it, so Yabusame is happy to provide it.

"I think...it might be best if you stay the night," Kuroji finally said, rubbing their reddened eyes, "Your shikigami shouldn't have any objections, no?"

Yabusame mouthed the syllables for "no". They actually weren't sure, but when has that ever stopped them or Tsubakura in the past?

"Good. I'll be making gyutan for dinner tonight. Yabusame-kun, prepare a bath for Tsubakura. Don't let them out of your sight."

Tsubakura perked their head up, sniffling, "But...But don't you have-"

"Aoji can use their special ability to clean themself if it comes to that, so you're not wasting water. Saragimaru never comes back until after midnight without a little...reminder, so they shouldn't be an issue," Kuroji listed off, "So no, you are not a burden, and I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it."

"But..."

"Think of it this way, Tsuba!" Yabusame cut in, "No Sensei telling you what to do for a whole night! Besides, this is your one chance to make Kuroji-san put ink in your food!"

"That's where your mind went?!"

But unfortunately for Kuroji, this did the trick. Tsubakura let out a small chuckle, hoarse from crying, but still geniune, "Mm, you heard the airhead. Put aaalll of the ink you got lying around in my serving! I want every last drop!"

"You two make me sick," Kuroji stuck their tongue out, "Give you just a little preferential treatment, and you'll take it a good kilometer and a half..."

"But aren't the best kinds of treatment the ones that go on for kilometers?" Yabusame wasn't entirely sure what they meant by that. Wasn't more usually better?

"Which is why this isn't a regular thing. I just felt generous tonight."

"Hah! You being generous...I think that's the best joke I've heard all day," Tsubakura snickered.

"Just go take your bath. And don't worry, I've been upgrading my security. They won't be getting in again anytime soon," The corners of Kuroji's mouth flickered upwards as they turned to leave.

"Take care of Tsubakura for me, alright?"

Yabusame nodded.

And with a soft thud, the door slid shut and Kuroji was gone.

Tsubakura turned to Yabusame, blowing their nose with the washcloth from earlier, "So..."

Yabusame put their hands on Tsubakura's trembling shoulders, "We'll get through this. We always do. They're not gonna beat us this time!"

Tsubakura patted them on the back, the closest they typically get to a full blown hug. They smiled, "Thank...you..."

"You're welcome. I don't know what I'd do without you." Were the words Yabusame wanted to say in that moment. But as gratitude is a rare sight from Tsubakura, they keep it to themself.

Tsubakura wasn't going to get better tonight. Or tomorrow night. Maybe a week from now if they're lucky. But their misery weeks will pass like always. They just needed a reminder every now and then.

But that was fine with Yabusame. Since happiness is out of reach for them right now, Tsubakura's well-being is all that mattered to them.

Until Tsubakura can find joy in life again in life, that is. But until that day comes, Yabusame will settle on being a comfortable support beam for them.

(Kuroji feels the same way, no doubt. Not that they'd ever say it aloud though...)