#I myself have been having some mental health struggles recently

[maideninorange]

Hmmmmm 47 with Tsubakura and... Idk whoever you wanna write that particular brand of angst with because I can't decide between YabuTsuba, TsubaKuro, or some other ship I haven't thought of.

47. "I don't trust you to be alone."

Why do Yabusame or Kuroji when I could do Yabusame and Kuroji at the same time?

(TW: while nothing of that nature happens here, there are still detailed and heavy discussions of a planned suicide and mental illness (mainly depression, though there is also a little mention of anxiety at one point). Stay safe everyone!)

There was something wrong with Tsubakura.

Yabusame couldn't explain how they know something is wrong, but they just knew. Tsubakura is never this happy during their misery weeks, as they like to call them. They usually either sleep, roam, or murmur self-deprecating remarks, and so their mood can best be described as static.

So when Yabusame heard Tsubakura say with a smile that they will never need to worry about them again tomorrow, warning sirens sounded in their gut that they needed to do something. Fast.

And so they acted on their first instinct: drag Tsubakura over to Kuroji's place in order to see if they could help out. They may fool Jinbei and Shion (if only to a certain extent; Yabusame managed to keep them from following by promising to get them some tasty souls before they return), but they cannot fool Yabusame. They remembered Kuroji muttering something about being "so anxious they can't feel anything", whatever that meant. So maybe they can help Tsubakura?

Those were the thoughts running through their head as they knocked on the door.

"Yabusame, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine." Tsubakura insisted for the umpteenth time, "See, look at me! I'm fiiinnnee!"

All Yabusame saw were the sunken eyes and weathered clothes and hair of someone who hadn't bathed in days.

"No you're not!" they snapped back, "I'm so sorry, Tsuba, but there's something really, really wrong here. I don't know what, but..."

"I'm afraid you'll do something you'll regret," were the words that wouldn't leave their mouth. All they could do was give Tsubakura a pained, pleading look. They were not fine, otherwise they wouldn't be fighting so hard to avoid seeing Kuroji.

Tsubakura only scoffed, "Don't give me that look. I'm telling ya, you're overthinking this. Besides, what good is a burden to such a carefree airhead anyway?"

Yabusame wanted to respond, but they never got the chance to. Almost as soon as Tsubakura finished speaking, the door opened.

The person who greeted them was, of course, Kuroji. It usually is, since Yabusame is pretty sure they and Tsubakura are the only visitors they get on a regular basis, if at all. There were noticeable bags under their eyes and their muscles looked tense, but it was nothing too out of the ordinary for them.

"Great, what are you two doing out here at this time of-"

All of that ordinariness evaporated the moment they laid eyes on Tsubakura.

"Tsu-Tsubakura?! You seem rather-"

"I'm fine," Tsubakura insisted again, "Already said it about fifty-seven times to this wonder of the universe. How many times will I have to spell it out to ya too?"

"Says the person who obviously hasn't cleaned themself in two weeks," they stole a glance Yabusame's way, eyebrows raised as if asking them to explain themselves.

"Tsubakura, you're really scaring me," Yabusame began, unsure of how to really describe it. Frankly, they weren't really sure how they knew something was wrong with them. On the surface, nothing was, at least for them during one of these periods of empty melancholy they are prone to having. It was more just a gut feeling than anything concrete.

"I...I don't think you should be alone right now."

"What are you talkin' about? I'm fine, you'll be fine, everything will be fine tomorrow." They flashed a lopsided grin, slightly twitching, "I'll give them exactly what they want, and then nothin' bad oughta happen to any of you ever again."

Kuroji paled, their nails digging into their jacket. Their face hardened, "Yabusame-kun is right for once. I don't trust you to be alone either."

"Don't be ridiculous you two! I'm fine! I'm fine!" They repeated, laughing way too hard for it to be genuine. They took a step back. And another. And another.

"Oh no you don't!"

And then, Kuroji vanished from the doorstep and reappeared behind Tsubakura. They forced their hands under their shoulders, stopping them in their tracks. Tsubakura tried to stomp their foot on Kuroji's, but it did nothing to deter them.

It was then that Yabusame acted. They grabbed Tsubakura's wrists, wincing at their vacant stare, betrayed.

"Unhand me, you dumbasses! Why won't either of you listen to me?!"

"Are you even listening to yourself?! The only person in danger right now is you!" Kuroji shouted, "What would ever make you think killing yourself would protect us?!"

Oh?!

Yabusame blinked. Their grip on their wrists froze in place, their jaw slack, "Tsuba...You...Is Kuroji-san right? You were actually going to-"

"Yes!!! Okay?!" Tsubakura snapped. Then, they stumbled forward, their head hanging low, "Caught me red-handed..."

Yabusame faltered as they fell towards them, their hand shaking as they reach for the back of their head. All the fight Tsubakura once had was utterly gone. Only untold suffering remains.

They knew they weren't anywhere near as smart as either Tsubakura or Kuroji. Or most normal people, for that matter. But man, did Yabusame feel like an idiot right now. The allusions to their plan, once obscure and confusing, were now so...so obvious in hindsight.

Their odd joy over the past couple days, the sorting through various chemicals, and the allusions to things "getting better" tomorrow...It felt so clear to them now.

That did not change the fact the realization of Tsubakura's horrible plan felt like a searing knife had plunged through their chest.

Kuroji let go of Tsubakura, letting Yabusame scoop them up in a tight hug. They just stood there, tense, observing them as Tsubakura sank into the affection. Them not fighting tooth and nail against it was most likely the biggest sign that they really shouldn't be alone right now, and both of them understood that fact uncomfortably well.

Eventually, Kuroji moved. They put their hand on Tsubakura's back, stroking them lightly as their version of comfort.

"...Inside. Now."

Tsubakura raised their head from Yabusame's shoulder, eyes stained red, "But what abou-"

"Saragimaru is out stalking that ancient reptile they call their sibling." Kuroji affirmed swiftly, "As for the other two blabbermouths... They know better than to ask unwanted questions."

They rub their neck uncomfortably. Even if Tsubakura wasn't currently consuming all of their thoughts, Yabusame would've known better than to pry.

The moments after that felt like a blur. Kuroji approached, and so Yabusame adjusted Tsubakura so that they could both lead them into the shabby cabin. Hooaka and Aoji, like Kuroji had said, only stared in awe at them. A single glare shut down any lingering words either might've had on the tips of their tongues.

Yabusame only felt awareness return to them when they reached Kuroji's bedroom. They worked quickly to help Tsubakura sit down on the futon. The moment they touched the shoddy mattress, their dearest friend just curled in on themself.

They've given up on everything. And that broke their heart.

Kuroji was at Yabusame's side again in an instant, a washcloth in hand. They dabbled it on Tsubakura's forehead, an unreadable expression on their face as they drew in deep breaths.

"So tell me, Tsubakura: What would ever make you think killing yourself is magically going to solve all of our problems?!"

Tsubakura tensed, before slumping forward. Even with the clear pains in Kuroji's voice they must've been taking to restrain themself. Yabusame squeezed their hand, cringing.

"I...I really don't know. It's just that with their return, I just know they'll be gunnin' for both of ya, just like anyone else stupid enough to get close to me..."

Long, dirty nails went to dab away gathering tears from their gaunt face, "So I ended up thinkin' to myself: 'Maybe the little voice in the back of my head is right? Maybe y'all are better off without me in the way?' So-Sorry...No grand noble reason here...As disappointing as the rest of me..."

"Don't be ridiculous," Kuroji scoffed, "Would attempting to surpass you be such a difficult task if you were a complete disappointment?"

"Would be a waste of time either way," they refuted, monotone, "Always had this funny obsession with me..."

"My point still stands." They scowled, clasping their hands together, "Besides, wouldn't committing suicide be exactly what that asshole wants? To have known they've driven you to that point must make them giddy with joy."

"I guess...But I still don't get why both of you would want me alive. I've been nothing but awful to ya..." Tsubakura gritted their teeth, clutching Yabusame's tie, "Especially you, Yabusame..."

"That's in the past now though! I could never hate ya, Tsuba..." Yabusame went to lightly boop Tsubakura on the nose, hesitated for a moment (What if they get mad at me? They're going through so much...), then did it anyway before they could lose their nerve.

But Tsubakura didn't swat their hand or pout like they usually do. Instead, they weakly grasped Yabusame's wrist, gaze almost vacant. They turned to look at Kuroji, voice wavering, "Come on, you hate me, don't cha? You have to, after all my-"

"Think you're annoying as hell? Absolutely. But hate you? To the point of wishing for your death?" Kuroji pressed close to Tsubakura's other side, brushing the messy strands of unkept hair away, "Would I entrust my siblings' well-being to you if I wanted you dead?"

Tsubakura gaped, their breathing shallow. Tears pooled in their eyes, "There's no way...You mustn't miss me when I'm..."

"That isn't the Tsubakura I know talking. It's the little demon in your head." Kuroji reaffirmed, "I won't pretend I understand your feelings, but I know what it's like to be hated. Just know that-"

"Don't say it..."

Kuroji didn't get the chance to. Yabusame said it instead.

"You're not alone!"

And that was when the dam burst. Tsubakura pulled them and Kuroji in, ugly, messy sobs reverberating out of them. Yabusame wrapped their arms tightly around them, letting them bury their head into their shoulder. They could feel Kuroji's hands find their way to their sides, mimicking the gesture in their own way.

Yabusame felt like they remained in that hug for hours. They didn't even realize they had started crying themself until they noticed the small stain of tears on Tsubakura's clothing. But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered beyond the wails of Tsubakura's walls crumbling around them.

Eventually, Kuroji pulled away. Tsubakura made a weak attempt to grab their jacket, but that got them nowhere. So they settled for gripping Yabusame tightly, and refusing to let go.

That's fine though. Tsubakura needs it, so Yabusame is happy to provide it.

"I think...it might be best if you stay the night," Kuroji finally said, rubbing their reddened eyes, "Your shikigami shouldn't have any objections, no?"

Yabusame mouthed the syllables for "no". They actually weren't sure, but when has that ever stopped them or Tsubakura in the past?

"Good. I'll be making gyutan for dinner tonight. Yabusame-kun, prepare a bath for Tsubakura. Don't let them out of your sight."

Tsubakura perked their head up, sniffling, "But...But don't you have-"

"Aoji can use their special ability to clean themself if it comes to that, so you're not wasting water. Saragimaru never comes back until after midnight without a little...reminder, so they shouldn't be an issue," Kuroji listed off, "So no, you are not a burden, and I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it."

"But..."

"Think of it this way, Tsuba!" Yabusame cut in, "No Sensei telling you what to do for a whole night! Besides, this is your one chance to make Kuroji-san put ink in your food!"

"That's where your mind went?!"

But unfortunately for Kuroji, this did the trick. Tsubakura let out a small chuckle, hoarse from crying, but still geniune, "Mm, you heard the airhead. Put aaalll of the ink you got lying around in my serving! I want every last drop!"

"You two make me sick," Kuroji stuck their tongue out, "Give you just a little preferential treatment, and you'll take it a good kilometer and a half..."

"But aren't the best kinds of treatment the ones that go on for kilometers?" Yabusame wasn't entirely sure what they meant by that. Wasn't more usually better?

"Which is why this isn't a regular thing. I just felt generous tonight."

"Hah! You being generous...I think that's the best joke I've heard all day," Tsubakura snickered.

"Just go take your bath. And don't worry, I've been upgrading my security. They won't be getting in again anytime soon," The corners of Kuroji's mouth flickered upwards as they turned to leave.

"Take care of Tsubakura for me, alright?"

Yabusame nodded.

And with a soft thud, the door slid shut and Kuroji was gone.

Tsubakura turned to Yabusame, blowing their nose with the washcloth from earlier, "So..."

Yabusame put their hands on Tsubakura's trembling shoulders, "We'll get through this. We always do. They're not gonna beat us this time!"

Tsubakura patted them on the back, the closest they typically get to a full blown hug. They smiled, "Thank...you..."

"You're welcome. I don't know what I'd do without you." Were the words Yabusame wanted to say in that moment. But as gratitude is a rare sight from Tsubakura, they keep it to themself.

Tsubakura wasn't going to get better tonight. Or tomorrow night. Maybe a week from now if they're lucky. But their misery weeks will pass like always. They just needed a reminder every now and then.

But that was fine with Yabusame. Since happiness is out of reach for them right now, Tsubakura's well-being is all that mattered to them.

Until Tsubakura can find joy in life again in life, that is. But until that day comes, Yabusame will settle on being a comfortable support beam for them.

(Kuroji feels the same way, no doubt. Not that they'd ever say it aloud though...)

[andhumanslovedstories]

I’ve been struggling lately with the feeling that my job is pointless. Intellectually I know it is not—nursing is one of those professions where you get to be real smug about knowing the value of your work. But it’s still felt very pointless. Like I’ll start a shift thinking, “what am I even doing here,” and end it thinking, “what have I actually even done.” It’s been a ROUGH couple months.

But I had a really good shift last time I worked, which was good for the soul and also a very useful data point. I got to do pain management advocacy and symptom management, met a bunch of cool patients, did education for new nurses, and had several long heart to hearts, which the kind of midnight heart to hearts that I think are the most important part of night shift, all of that while being well staffed with very pleasant and appreciative patients and coworkers, and I was still like. Pretty depressed. I had a sense of satisfaction and moments of joy and meaning, but it turns out that one good shift did not cure the depression that has been latched on to me for the last few months like some kind of fucked up mental health leech. As I realized I was still depressed and that it was still interfering with my life even when everything was going well, the sense of peace washed over me was the best I’d felt in a while. Because I was like, okay! None of my usual stuff as worked! I have no excuse not to try something new to get my brain out of the shit ditch it’s slipped into.

So I’m applying for short-term disability. I’m worried I won’t get it, and I’m not sure what the next step is if I get rejected, but I feel so much better having decided to pursue it. It’s so much fuckin paperwork for sure, to a degree that’s overwhelming except that that the form could be a checkbox that says, “you want money?” and I’d be like “THIS IS TOO MUCH.” I’m totally not writing this post instead of finishing an email to my manager. I’m definitely not writing this post to avoid dealing with coordinating all my various care providers. I’m certainly not at every moment worried that I’m secretly faking all this so I can get three to nine weeks of a cool summer vacation.

I was thinking about how I almost flunked nursing school in my final semester because I turned in assignments late for a class with a “no late homework” policy. The professor said that this was reflective of real life, where if you miss deadlines you’re just fucked. I ended up appealing my grade and passing, because frankly it was a weak reason for making me repeat a final semester when there was no issues with my actual work or knowledge. During my appeal, I was like “I also think this policy is ableist. Harsh penalties for late work hurt students with health problems, especially chronic health problems when you aren’t asking for one week off due to the flu but instead for a general and never ending flexibility. I’m not trying to make an excuse but explain why this policy is a bad one. Disabled healthcare workers are an asset to healthcare.” I’m trying to remember my own argument as I pursue help. My depression and ADHD and eating disorder do help me be a better nurse, not because like depression gives you superpowers, but because I manage my chronic illnesses every day, in ways that range from hardly noticeable to life or death. Being kind to patients means being kind to myself, and vice versa.

I’m rambling. I really do not want to do this paperwork or send these emails. And I’m not sure if I deserve the leave I’m trying to take. But I miss being love with my job. I miss enjoying it. I wouldn’t judge someone else for going on medical leave, and my job doesn’t want me to burn out or quit. It almost feels like I have to be skeptical of applying for leave because no one else is. Everyone I’ve spoken to has been very supportive, including my manager. And considering how many unpaid days off I’ve had to take lately, disability leave would be an improvement over some of my recent paychecks. All in all, short-term disability makes sense and seems like a reasonable response to circumstances. But FUCK. I wish it required like 90 percent less documentation.

[copperbadge]

how did u psych urself up to go to therapy? my executive function has been awol for like 2 years and it's gotten to the point where it's wrecking my ability to do anything. i'm scared to waste a bunch of time and money going and getting told i'm just lazy or that the problem is just me

Happy to talk about that! But this is really two issues, so I gotta do a fly-by real first on "scared of getting told I'm just lazy". :D

It sounds to me like you're aware intellectually that laziness isn't the issue. You know this is an executive function issue and not a personal flaw, but I definitely get that it's hard to internalize that. So I'm going to drop links here to some discussion of "laziness":

How do you know you're not just lazy? (ask sent to me -- it's long, but you can skim for the laziness bits if you want.)

Lack of motivation means you are avoiding pain (second ask in response to the first)

Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price

These are essentially my proofs when I want to remind you that laziness is a label that stigmatizes an innate behavior -- inability to act is real, laziness is not. If a therapist tells you that you are lazy, and ESPECIALLY that you are the problem, you should fire that therapist. Don't even stay the rest of the session if you don't want to, just say "I see we are not compatible," and bounce. I don't think the odds are high that you'll encounter that, but on the off-chance that you do, that's a bright neon sign that they're a bad therapist.

In fact I would open with that pitch: "I'm struggling with executive function and the self-perception that I'm really just lazy. I need help with the actual executive function issues but also with how I view myself because of them." The therapist's response will tell you a lot about whether they'd be a good fit.

So with that out of the way...

I eased myself into therapy with the speed of a small child entering an extremely cold lake. It helped a lot that all of my therapy has been virtual via Zoom, so a lot of stuff that would have been a barrier, like going to the physical appointments, discomfort in a strange space, etc. were swept away.

I didn't even want to see a psychiatrist for my Adderall prescription, but I knew I needed help and medication seemed to be my best option, so with the assurances of several people that it wasn't therapy so much as mental health maintenance, I saw a psychiatrist. And he was lovely! (I just met with him yesterday to go over my next few months of scrip.) For a while that was all I did: talked every month to a kind person who asked specific and measurable questions about my mental health -- mood, sleep patterns, ability to work, hobbies -- without getting especially personal. I thought, okay, I can handle this, I can probably handle more, so I asked him for a recommendation for a therapist.

He looked at the network of independent practitioners he belonged to (Clarity Clinic Chicago, if you want an example of a good network) and found me a couple of options. I got extremely lucky to find someone I felt was appropriate for me right out of the gate, though some of that was also knowing what criteria I had: I wanted someone who explicitly stated they specialized in adult ADHD and disability, and who seemed like they were interested in addressing a whole person and not a single issue. When we met she seemed nice, wasn't pushy or judgey, was familiar with spoon theory and disability activism because she also has ADHD, and didn't blink (or ask overly invasive questions) when I said I was very uneasy about therapy because of past experience. She was comfortable with the ambiguity I brought -- I basically said "Look, I think this is something I need but I'm not entirely sure what my goals are yet, it's just I only recently found out I have ADHD and I am rethinking a lot of stuff," and she was like fine, let's rethink it together.

It still took me a long time to start talking about anything meaningful, but she handled the non-meaningful stuff as if it was serious and important, which helped. Admittedly I have really good insurance so I pay $20 a session for therapy, which also helps; it's pretty negligible in terms of health costs for me. I can afford to dawdle.

So, all that said...my path may not be an option for you, but I think it indicates the kinds of options you have. You don't have to jump into serious and heavily emotional processing first thing if you don't want to. You can shop around for therapists and you can drop any bad ones you encounter speedily, or if you find one you immediately like you can still spend time getting comfortable before dropping into the heavier stuff.

I would suggest that if you have a prescribing psych or doctor for any kind of mental health meds, ask them if they have a recommendation. If you don't have that, ask around people you know or believe have access to therapy and see what they think. If those aren't available to you or you're uncomfortable with that, I'd do a search for licensed therapist and your health insurance, or see if your workplace has an employee assistance program that can recommend you someone.

Good luck! I hope you get what you need. Lord knows I've been there.

[themoonsbeloved]

I still need help

Its now the 8th of January and despite being told by my friend who spoke with her boss 3 weeks ago during their meeting that he was to hire me in the beginning of January and would reach out to me, he hasn't. I'm hoping somehow, eventually, when this man finally bothers to, he will contact me for a job offer since he reassured me back in november that he still intends to hire me. But since I have no idea when that will be, that means I'm left hanging completely.

long story short I am mentally ill and disabled who was dismissed from my last and only job that I struggled 2 years to get, only to be fired in 2 months in June because of my chronic fatigue and abusive managers. I rely a lot on my henna but bookings are not consistent enough to make regular income, and majority of the money ends up going to contributing to house bills for my family.

My therapy picks up again this week, very honestly been the only thing keeping me from harming myself at this point with how painful life has been and I want to be able to continue getting it low cost (£25 per session), my therapist is so amazing and we recently came to the understanding that I have complex-PTSD, and plan to look into it more this year. I'm too mentally ill to try and look for jobs right now and am basically doing 3 jobs already (one being joint caring duties with family members for my grandparents since I live with them, which I'm not paid for obviously) with inconsistent money coming in/sessional work that I will be paid for once completed further into the year.

I have so many other costs that are coming in the near future, like paying for more medication, and for more lazer hair removal sessions for my severe hirsutism, which usually is around £300 if I'm lucky to catch offers. This is another I thing I mentally can't afford to stop doing, struggling with severe hirsutism and the trauma of it all my life means its important I can feel and live somewhat comfortably in my body. Lazer hair isn't permanent and I'm looking into electrolysis, but again, I don't have that money yet and would prefer to not leave a huge gap where I don't do lazer and the mental torture of watching my body hair grow back. I also haven't gotten my eyes checked in over 3 years, and know I will need a change in perscription and need new glasses. I hate nothing more than what its come to. I'm just exhausted and burnt out from the constant anxiety and depressive episodes, I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm sick of everything and everyone and I just wish god would give me a break.

With all of the above in mind I'm aiming for about £600. This is all basically to help me just function and continue getting the things that help me not succumb to my mental health issues. If anything, my birthday's coming up in feb so I would appreciate it if folks gave some money if they have the means to. Anything is fine at this point.

Thank you so much

https://paypal.me/iffiia?country.x=GB&locale.x=en_GB

£0/£600

[twig-tea]

With 23.5 finally coming out, the people are rejoicing at finally getting a high profile gl from GMMTV. But there have already been several gls airing this year, including my fav TsukuTabe, that have been flying under the radar with fandom, and in general there are more gls already out there than folks seem to think. I just know you have a list of all the gls we should be watching, please share with the class!

Thank you for the ask! How did you know I had a draft of GL recs to make at some point? [Trick question, I mentioned it to you.]

It may seem like I'm out here hating on GL because i've made a couple of negative reviews of recently airing series recently (Love Senior and Chaser Game W in case you're curious) but I actually have lots of GL that I love and that I wish were better known! Thanks for sending this ask so I am inspired to actually finish it! I've limited myself to series so that I could keep the list and this post to a reasonable length. Where possible I've listed where you can find each of these and included a link. And I've included an 'elevator pitch' summary but I am NOT in marketing for a reason, so please don't roast me too hard for my terrible comparisons. Alright, enough waffling!

Twig's GL Rec List

She Loves to Cook and She Loves to Eat S1 & 2 (Japan, 2022 & 2024, both seasons fansubbed by @furritsubs; if you need help accessing this show feel free to DM me!)

Elevator pitch: Our Dining Table with lesbians and an even slower burn. Watch for beautiful food, acespec rep, mental health and therapy rep

What might turn some off: Extremely low heat, and quite slow-moving; warning for a disordered eating and family trauma plot (v gently handled)

Let's start with the one you've already mentioned. This is a heartwarming slice-of-life slow burn in which an autismspec-coded woman who likes to eat is invited by her neighbour, a femme acespec woman who loves to cook, to come and eat her food. It starts from a very practical place (when you love making food you need someone to help eat it), but their relationship grows as they spend more time together. The story follows them as they both move towards self-actualization in several ways: as a lesbian, as asexual, at work, with their families, with their friends, with each other. This show is so careful to say the important words aloud. And there is so much delicious cooking! Each episode highlights a particular recipe, and the food porn is real. Do not watch while hungry, but definitely watch. The found famiy vibes in this one one are also immaculate.

She Makes My Heart Flutter (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Younger lesbian friend group tries to help out (slightly) older lesbian bar owner with mixed success. I can't think of a good BL equivalent, The Moment Since feels the closest with its similar bartender/patron romance

What might turn some off: Comedic tone; short runtime; struggles with being closeted

This is a gem of a miniseries about a bar owner and an interior designer who smoulder at one another while an intrepid group of younger bar regulars (including the bar owner's neice) meddle. This series is really cute, solid, and full of sapphics! Once again found family vibes are immaculate (you may sense a theme in my faves). Run don't walk.

Fragrance of the First Flower (Taiwan, 2021, GagaOOLala)

Elevator pitch: Right-person-wrong-time/second chance romance; tonally is a little like We Best Love 2: Fighting Mr. 2nd but with an ambiguous ending.

What might turn you off: Medium heat, second chance romance means they break up once, internalized homophobia, adultery/cheating, at one point there's a creepy dude, child with autism (depicted well), ambiguous ending

At its core this is a story of a woman who can't stop getting in the way of her own happiness. This series is a little more sad than the rest of this rec list but I couldn't not include it because this relationship is so poignant. Plus there's a s2 that supposedly is to come out in 2024 so maybe we'll get our happy ending after all?

Love Greater Than or Equal to 70 Degrees C (Korea, 2019, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Ingredients but with lesbians staring at one another over beautiful tea pairings! What more could you ask for?

What might turn you off: Low heat; short runtime; ambiguous ending; like Ingredients this is essentially a long ad for the café it's filmed at.

This is a Korean miniseries about passionate tea sommeliers making really fancy tea while staring at one another a LOT. Perfect sapphic representation, 10/10 no notes. This one packs a lot of the drama tropes into its short runtime, so even though it's short it's full of butterfly-inspiring moments.

Sleep With Me (Philippines, 2022, GagaOOLala/iWantTFC/Netflix w/VPN set to Philippines)

Elevator pitch: The Truth About Cats and Dogs but the self esteem issues are handled without catfishing. BL equivalent: Hmmm. Closest I can think of is Gaya Sa Pelikula.

What might turn you off: There's some ableism (treated as such) in this show; Open ending.

Stellar GL between a late night radio DJ and an insomniac who listens to her show. One of the main couple is a wheelchair user and the show tackles ablelism and navigating disability in relationship as well as feelings of inadequacy in a relationship and how that manifests as interpersonal conflict.

Our Relationship Ended Before it Began (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Along the lines of I Cannot Reach You; the show gives both perspectives and they are held back by queer angst.

What might turn you off: No kiss (but they make it very clear both want to kiss), internalized homophobia

Really sweet miniseries about having a crush and being afraid of being hurt so you don't actually make a move. I really like the way the girl who has not dated a girl before defaults to gender roles and it throws the more experienced lesbian lol I also really like the way this show makes clear that both of them are waiting for a kiss, and that if you get in your head about things, it can get in the way of your own happiness!

Pearl Next Door (Philippines, 2020, Youtube)

Elevator Pitch: Gameboys but with lesbian vloggers.

What might turn you off: Love triangle, lots of teasing but low heat in the end, a lot of (good) conversations about mental health issues, ambiguous ending

This is the GL spinoff to Gameboys, starring Pearl from Gameboys. Pearl ends up being fought over by the two gorgeous women in the gif, an old love and a new. I love the queer friendships in this story as much as the relationships. I will say it's an open ending (that felt a bit like the showrunners didn't want to decide between ships) and definitely the love triangle features prominently but even in the face of these aspects that would normally turn me off a series I had a good time. The characters and interpersonal conflicts feel very real, and are allowed to be complex even when the show tone is comedic.

Dear Uranus (Taiwan, 2021, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Schoolgirl ensemble GL; a little like My School President but without the singing.

What might turn you off: Short runtime; ambiguous ending; a little bit of bullying; very standard romance trope execution

The first Taiwanese GL miniseries, this series was produced by a Taiwanese lesbian couple (Rabbit & Wolf)! Lots of excellent drama tropes, and incredibly gorgeous women (I think the entire watching audience fell in love with Erol.

Lily Fever (Korea, 2015, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Complete crack; YYY but with more kissing and frankly an even less coherent story.

What might turn you off: The lack of coherent plot; less a romance and more a very thirsty lesbian kissing everyone she can

This miniseries is utter chaos. Nothing really makes sense, it's all just random excuses to cause very suggestive moments (and kissing) to happen. I love so much how this series depicts women being so absolutely thirsty for one another (and yes that date isn't a typo, this series is ~9 years old). Not an "happy ever after" ending but it really isn't that kind of story.

Chasing Sunsets (Philippines, 2020, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: Ocean Likes Me with lesbians. Resort romance with a mental health twist.

What might turn you off: Some of the mental health stuff gets intense, this was filmed in 2020 so the pandemic features heavily; hopeful but slightly ambiguous ending.

A complex story from the Philippines covering mental health and finding yourself. A woman shows up to a resort and befriends one of the women running the resort. They get closer as they spend time together, and the resort owner realizes something is off. There's also a BL side couple in this series.

Show Me Love (Thai, 2023, YouTube)

Elevator pitch: A little like My Day the series with lesbians, in that they work together and fall in love and it's full of tropes

What might turn you off: The advertising for the Miss Grand competition, there is some bullying and cheating (though way less than I was expecting tbh), not a lot actually happens, the editing gets a bit wonky at the end

This is essentially a massive ad for the Miss Grand Thailand competition; this GL was produced by the same company that produces that competition, and the stars are mostly Miss Grand competitors. The main pairing were shipped in the actual competition, and the company decided to make a GL about them. It's very slow paced and low-stakes, and there are better kisses than I expected considering everything I just said about where this show came from. There are a lot of cute moments!

Girlfriend Project (Korea, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Love Class with lesbians

What might turn you off: One of the leads is kind of mean in that pgitail-pulling way? It ends abruptly (but happily)

This is a short miniseries about two girls paired in a class that are assigned to "date". The chemistry is chemistrying. And there is a kiss (a good kiss, and a tiptoes kiss at that!). This show also has one of my favourite tropes, in which someone who seems like a pushover stands up for themselves and their partner finds it very attractive. For the record, in this show they are watching another GL by the same company, Love Tech.

Lulu (Philippines, 2022, Vivamax/grey)

Elevator Pitch: Present Perfect with lesbians (but with a better ending).

What might turn you off: Depictions of panic attacks, brief depiction of drowning, pandemic lockdowns, illness, exes, waffling, happy but open ending (which I actually liked for this story)

Two women trying to move on from the garbage in their lives meet at the beach of a B&B (where one saves the other from drowning) and become one another's company during their escape and then something more. They both have baggage that seems determined to keep them apart even as they continue to be drawn together. In the end, they decide to stick it out and see where they end up, with no guarantee of happily ever after, which I found very sweet. Requires either a VivaMax account or searching the grey for it, but it's worth the effort (check MyDramaList comments for suggestions on where to find it). Plus one of the leads has a cactus as a pet.

Welcome to the Lesbian Bar (Korea, 2023, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: A little like Fudanshi Bartender but without the fudanshi bartender and all of the bar patrons are lesbians lol

What might turn you off: Short, can get a little bit preachy, abrupt ending

Cute short series with different very stories every episode as different patrons visit the bar. The stories range from women who have been together for awhile, to people meeting from an online app for the first time, to someone visiting a lesbian bar for the first time; and yet the story all weaves together in a way that's satisfying though ends abruptly. Includes some solid marriage equality propaganda.

GAP the Series (Thai, 2022, YouTube)

Elevator Pitch: Kind of the vibes of Together with Me but lesbians and in an office instead of school. Angry boss falls for charming new intern and

What might turn you off: This one is the highest heat of all these recs; homophobia especially amongst family, brief depictions of death by car, brief mentions of suicide, cheating, bullying, abuse of power in the office.

A list would not be complete without this one! Honestly the plot is a bit wobbly but the show is a lot of fun. The girls are very cute, the feelings and tension builds really well between them, the friend group is excellent, and in the special we get a wedding.

---

The rest of these have caveats of one kind or another, but i couldn't leave them off a rec list, so here are the side couples and censored stories that are still worth your time anyway (I might do a separate more detailed post for these, as well as for films, one day if there's interest):

Nevertheless (GL side; Korean, 2021, Netflix) Not sure it's worth watching a whole kdrama for side lesbians? Search soljiwan on youtube. They are great. Even the Netflix account stans them. I watched this (ngl, I watched the SolJiwan cut) as it aired and was constantly braced for it to let us down but it did not! A really good friends-to-lovers story.

Friend Zone 2: Dangerous Area (GL side; Thailand, 2019, YouTube): These sapphics are messy and I love them. Decent conversation about dating someone with mental health issues in this series, and they're one of the only couples in this ensemble to get a happy ending. If you're just watching the lesbian couple (which you can, their story is pretty self-contained) you don't need to have seen s1.

Six Survivors (GL side; Japan, 2022, Viki) This show is a horror comedy and it is SO MUCH FUN. Warning for zombies and blood, but way less than you might think. One of the eponymous 6 survivors is a lesbian who keeps trying to convert them to veganism lol. If you watched Chaser Game W you'll recognize one of the actresses in this, the lead actress is from Kamisama no Ekohiiki, and one of the guys is from the prequel series His as well as I Want to See Only You! And yes there is a kiss. Also a surprising number of Mallrats references. Not for people who can't handle gore or relationships being complicated/not a "true love" story/ambiguous ending.

Kamisama no Ekohiiki (complicated question of is it GL in parts, Japan, 2021, furritsubs once again coming through to save the day) This one is a bit complex because there's bodyswap, but the girl who falls for the bodyswapped boy-in-a-girl's-body is clear that she is only interested in the girl. One of the better bodyswap stories because the bodyswap is not a secret for very long, so instead there's a lot of introspection about what gender means and who/what they are attracted to. Feels wrong to call this GL, necessarily, but it's very queer.

Couple of Mirrors (Censored GL, China, 2021, Viki) Story of a rich girl and her assassin girlfriend. This production did an amazing job getting away with what they could, just don't watch the last five minutes and we've got essentially a happy lesbian family.

Legend of Yunze (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) Very cute very low budget xianxia miniseries with two seasons and a special. The special is set in modern times in a future lifetime so if you want a cute censored-but-clearly-a-soulmate-love-story this is the one for you. Don't be thrown off by the weird cuts/abrupt episode endings, that's in line with cdramas in general.

Led Astray by Love (Censored GL, China, 2021, @douqi7s) A very fun and adorable isekai story in which a modern day girl is transported to a wuxia novel setting and has to figure out how to get home, and gets romanced by the princess along the way.

And a few additional links for people who even more content:

My Indian sapphic webseries rec list

My suggestions for content with toms (Thai category that's similar to but not exactly the same as butch lesbians) in response to this post.

This really good GL MyDramaList list (not made by me!) lists what seems to be everything I've mentioned and about 200 more. Even I haven't seen a few of these!

My YouTube playlist of sapphic content: This includes anything I stumble across or find in my searches, a lot of music videos and random shorts as well as some microseries and miniseries that I don't consider GL but are WLW/sapphic in addition to true "GL" content. For serialized content, I add just the first ep. A complete mess, but you can trawl through to find stuff to watch, like Hetero!

SOONOTSUE: The same producers of She Makes My Heart Flutter have other short series on their channel worth checking out; if you liked that one, try Out of Breath!

Shakeshoulder: Thai YouTube producers of very pulpy (read: low budget and dramatic plots) shorts

FuFuKnows: This YouTube channel is owned by a gay Taiwanese couple that produces shorts every week, including some with GL mains and sides. These are very low budget but cover a whole swath of queer themes.

@douqi7s is a godsend providing subtitles for all kinds of content, including sapphic shorts and more series than I've listed here. Check their tumblr for links to all of their content; A Practical Guide to Being a Superstar's Assistant has one of the best setups to giving us great moments in the guise of something else so that they get past censorship I've ever seen; I also recommend The Vampires if you're into genre fiction, as well as Legend of Yunqian if you enjoyed the xianxia parts of Legend of Yunze. @wlwcatalogue did an excellent summary of many of the non-wuxia options here.

Quick pitch for the streaming platform GagaOOLala; it's affordable, has a ton of content, including a whack of GLs (originals, license series, and a ton of shorts), and is run by queer people out of Taiwan who care about good quality queer content being made and having an audience, and using the soft power from those successful series to support social change. And if you can't afford a subscription it's worth checking out what they have for free, they open up temporary free access to some things for various events throughout the year.

In searching for gifs for this post I found fellow tumblr user @drowningparty 's WLW compendium list; they've listed more series and films so check it out if you still need more content!

*wipes sweat off brow* that should be enough to be getting on with, but it's really just the tip of the iceberg! If there's something specific you want to see with sapphics let me know and I can tell you if I know it exists. Anyway, I hope this gives you and everyone else a taste of what all is out there! I of course always want more, I am serious about being a sapphic dragon hoarding every crumb i can get my lizardy hands on, but I do think what we have should also be appreciated more. If I missed one of your faves, please tell me!

[messmersflame]

wanna help me and my cats out?

hi im neo, and those four are my cats.

being physically disabled and unable to work, making sure that they get enough exercise and enrichment can be... taxing on myself to say the least.

their last cat trees recently broke, and they dont really have that many toys any more. while they do get outside on leashes, it's not regular enough due to my physical health being the main factor on if i can do that. they have a lot of shelves for climbing around the place, and i'm currently working on putting up some more and making a climbing surface with some carpet for them, but i'd still like to be able to have a bit more for them.

this is not to say that they arent happy and healthy- i go above and beyond for all four of them. the problem lies in that me needing to do more walks and things with them, as their current setup is not really adequate, means that i physically end up struggling for my own needs.

i have POTs, a degenerative spine condition, fibro, and a heart problem related to connective tissue disorder (currently being invesitgated). this along with my own mental issues makes things very exhausting! i always always put my cats first, but my own health then falls by the wayside. this has a cycle of me crashing and not being able to properly provide for them for a few days beyond just food.

i did also have another cat, who would be the main source of play and companionship for the last two cats pictured, especially his brother (third pictured). he unfortunately passed due to unforeseen medical issues that caused a severe unrinary blockage. ever since then, those two have been restless and often get into near-fights, as the brother specifically has the most energy and now doesnt have his bonded partner. he has even begun to harass the other two, which has led to at least a few actual fights with the oldest sister who is getting on a bit in years, so it's not good for her either.

more toys and areas to explore, and places for the others to hide, would be helpful in this!

i have a wishlist of things that would help make my cat's lives happier, and my life caring for them easier.

it's a UK amazon wishlist, however i will be looking at more local stores for any other options or things that i can get for them as well.

if you can't/prefer not to help via amazon, i have my paypal and revolut (please ignore the deadnames on both <3).

this is not an emergency, it would just really, really help my QOL and that of my cats. thanks for reading, reblogging, or helping <3

[useyourwordsdarling]

Hey, I hope this isn't too rude considering you already have an effing mountain of asks in your inbox, but I wanted to express my gratitude. No pressure to respond; I just hope you see it, and it makes you smile. Just read the pink out of this word salad; my kink is that I feel the need to explain my reasoning like a proper STEM idiot.

(below explaining why I'm thanking you essentially)

Probably oversharing here, but:

For the last two years or so, I've started to believe that the only men who would accept me were those that needed me as their therapist rather than a partner. I don't mean just listening to them; I mean them struggling with mental health crises and me having to pick up the pieces like the empathetic dumbass I am (and them being too scared to call the hospital). These are just the sort of people I seem to attract. As you can imagine, that did wonders for my self-worth and future perception of people who hit on me.

I already consider myself an eccentric woman. Among other things, my libido often feels insatiable. I write smut both on and off tumblr, the latter of which is some of the most nonsensical, most embarrassing, most bizarre shit I have ever written. 783 pages since 2020, the last 100 pages of which have been me realizing I have a deep-seated desire to be a cocksleeve. It's hard enough to tell people how much I care about having a healthy, passionate sexual relationship without bringing any of that into the mix.

(end explanation, TL;DR I attract shitty men and am insecure as hell about my own sexual preferences.)

All of that has made me despair on numerous occasions that I will ever get to know someone who both actually loves me and wants to fuck the absolute shit out of me.

But blogs like yours have lifted me out of that hellhole of anxiety more than once. Seeing both your own fantasies and the way you respond to your asks makes me feel like I'm not doomed to a relationship where I will have to sacrifice a large part of myself for the other person's sake. It makes me think: "People like this exist somewhere."

Thank you for being a dom that cares about your sub, and thank you for sharing on this blursed platform where I could see you.

Side (less wholesome) note: Yes, you have provided a lot of fuel for my smut pieces, and I am officially blaming you for the fact that there are now 446 fucking instances of the word "Daddy" in my most recent collection.

I appreciate how much effort you put into making this. And as another STEM idiot I love the way you made your reasoning. Also to be clear I love asks, I just have a hard time replying to many at once, but I appreciate them a lot.

And as to you attracting shitty men, I understand how exhausting and how heavy it might be the burden to carry the responsibility over someone’s mental health issues. But I think that also says a lot about your character, how you’re someone who’s really caring. Who wants to help these people, which is an amazing thing but it can be problematic if you don’t set boundaries. Which is a hard thing to do (I know because I’m bad at that…) it’s healthy to focus on your own mental health, your own problems. Especially when we have very little energy left.

And you aren’t doomed for that type of relationship I believe. And I hope you eventually find the right person who’ll love you and not make you responsible over their mess (and also fuck the shit out of you, fingers crossed). So it’s just a matter of time

Side (even less wholesome) note: I’d be lying if I said part of me isn’t curious about those 446 instances now..

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being less intimate with my partner because of their hygiene issues? 🧼 (emoji for easy reference)

So for starters, my (28F) partner (29NB) has pretty severe depression and mental health struggles. Understandably, this has a massive impact on their day to day life and makes it pretty hard for them to take care of themselves. This includes things like brushing their teeth regularly and bathing.

I do my absolute best to be really supportive, and when they're at their lowest I will often bathe and dress them, make all their meals, and do basically all the necessary caretaking they need. But sometimes they are in such a bad headspace that they won't get up to get in the bath, even if I fill the tub and wash them myself. They won't do light cleaning like washing up at the sink. They won't even use wet wipes that I bought to make things as easy as possible. I can't get them to do any basic hygiene at all. They go weeks without brushing their teeth, and they recently told me that they haven't washed their hair in almost 6 months...

I'm really sympathetic to their mental health struggles, but the lack of hygiene makes me not want to be intimate with them, and lately they've been making me feel bad about that. It's frustrating, especially because they are hyper sensitive about being told when they smell bad, but they often do... Lately I've just kind of been stomaching it... I still cuddle and hold them and sleep in bed with them, but I really can't bring myself to like...make out and have sex when their hygiene habits are this bad.

They recently told me that the lack of sexual intimacy makes them feel like I don't support them and that I'm holding their mental health against them by not being physically intimate. But I feel like it's not unreasonable to have hygiene standards like "I'd rather not make out with you if you haven't brushed your teeth all week" or "Can you at least use some wet wipes and deodorant if you want to initiate sex?"

AITA for setting those kinds of hygiene standards?

[doumadono]

Hey! I have an emergency request? If it’s okay and you feel like it, can I request Katsuki, Midoriya, Denki and Eijiro just helping you through a tough time with your family? Like you’re getting into arguments with your parents and it’s been bringing down your mood and mental health for a while. I’ve been going through a hard time with my family lately and it really sucks because we were actually doing pretty okay before.

I hope you have a good day and are taking care of yourself!! *sends virtual hugs* ⭐⭐❤️❤️

A/N: I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time with your family. It's completely natural for families to have their ups and downs, and even when things seem okay, challenges can arise. Things will get better, and you have the resilience to navigate through this tough period ♥ EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Kaminari

On a particularly gloomy day, as you were sitting in the hallway of the dorm feeling down after argument with your parents, you were suddenly greeted by an unexpected sight - Kaminari dressed head to toe as Pikachu. The sight of him in the costume made you burst into laughter, and your mood instantly lifted.

With his costume complete, Denki couldn't resist showing off a little. He activated his quirk, and a few sparks of electricity danced around his fingers, resembling Pikachu's abilities.

Grinning from ear to ear, Kaminari decided to make you forget about your sadness. He started humming the familiar Pokémon theme and took your hand, pulling you up from the floor.

At first, you were hesitant, but Kaminari's infectious enthusiasm was hard to resist. He began to dance with you right there in the corridor, twirling you around to the Pokémon melody.

As the two of you danced, you couldn't help but feel your spirits lifting. Kaminari's sense of humor and carefree attitude were contagious, and for a moment, you were able to forget about your family troubles.

"Whatever's bothering you, let's dance it away!" Denki suggested with a cheerful grin.

However, you soon noticed that you were attracting an audience. Members of class 1-A, including Mina, Mineta, Uraraka, Iida, Momo, and Shoto, had gathered to watch the unexpected spectacle in the hallway.

Mina and Mineta were giggling, Uraraka was cheering you both on, Iida was trying to maintain order and safety in the corridor, Momo had a bemused smile, and Shoto was just utterly confused, holding a bowl with soba in his hands.

Despite the embarrassment of being the center of attention, you couldn't deny that Denki's antics had succeeded in brightening your day. You continued to dance, laughing along with your classmates, grateful for the unexpected moment of joy in the midst of your family troubles.

Kirishima

As you sat alone in the common room, your thoughts clouded with family issues, Kirishima approached with a warm smile, holding a plate of homemade cookies.

"Hey there, Y/N," he greeted you warmly, taking a seat beside you on the couch. "I baked these myself. They might not win any beauty contests, but they're seriously delicious!"

Kirishima offered you one of the misshapen cookies, and you couldn't help but smile at their imperfections. When you took a bite, the taste was incredible, just as he had promised.

He asked what was wrong, and you told him about your recent argument with your family.

While savoring the cookie, Kirishima leaned in closer and initiated a heartfelt conversation. "You know, it's completely okay to have misunderstandings with your family. I've had my fair share too."

He shared some of his own experiences dealing with family conflicts, making you feel understood and less isolated in your struggles.

"Sometimes," he continued, "it's those misunderstandings that help us grow and learn how to communicate better."

Kirishima's words were like a comforting embrace, easing the weight of your worries. He encouraged you to keep moving forward and reminded you that you had friends who cared about you.

As your conversation continued, Kirishima noticed the longing look in your eyes when you glanced at his hair. Without hesitation, he leaned a bit closer. "You like my hair, right? It's really soft. Go ahead, you can pet it if you want. Maybe I'm not an adorable pet, but I can certainly offer some comfort right now."

You gently ran your fingers through his hair, savoring its incredible softness. It was a small but heartfelt gesture, a reminder that even amidst challenges, there were moments of warmth and friendship to cherish.

With Kirishima by your side, cookies in hand, and the soft touch of his hair, you felt a sense of comfort and camaraderie that helped you temporarily set aside your troubles and focus on the positivity of the moment.

Midoriya

It was a usual day at U.A. Academy, but as Izuku Midoriya glanced across the classroom, he couldn't help but notice the sadness in your expression during classes.

Throughout the lessons, he kept stealing concerned glances your way, growing more and more worried about your well-being.

After the final bell rang, signaling the end of the school day, Izuku decided to approach you. He knew he couldn't ignore the sadness he had seen in your eyes.

Back at the dormitory, he found you on the balcony, quietly gazing at the horizon. The sun was setting, casting a warm glow over everything.

Izuku stepped out onto the balcony and offered you a gentle smile. "Hey, I noticed you seemed a bit down during classes today. Is everything okay?"

You looked at him, your emotions close to the surface, and nodded. "I'm just… going through a tough time with my family."

Without a word, Izuku opened his arms, offering you a warm and reassuring hug. You accepted it gratefully, feeling the comfort of his presence.

"I understand how challenging family issues can be," he said softly. "But remember, it's okay to lean on your friends for support. We're here for you."

As you held onto that hug, you couldn't help but feel a sense of solace and understanding in Izuku's embrace. He reassured you that even in your darkest moments, there was a network of friends ready to stand by your side.

The two of you continued to watch the sunset together, the warmth of friendship and the beauty of the evening sky offering a glimmer of hope in your heart.

Bakugo

It was a particularly challenging day, and you found yourself standing in the corridor, lost in your thoughts, when suddenly Bakugo appeared out of nowhere. Without a word, he firmly grabbed your wrist and pulled you into his room.

You were taken aback by his sudden action, but Bakugo's stern expression left no room for questions. He shut the door behind you and turned to face you, his crimson eyes focused.

"What's wrong?" he demanded, his voice carrying a rare, genuine concern that you hadn't heard from him before.

Feeling the weight of your emotions, you began to explain the issues with your family that had been plaguing your mind. Bakugo listened intently, his usual brash demeanor replaced by a surprising attentiveness.

After hearing you out, he crossed his arms and let out a deep sigh. "Look, sitting around moping won't solve anything, dumbass. If you're feeling down, there's no better way to vent frustration than through a workout. Trust me on this, I'm a pro."

Bakugo's idea of helping you forget about your sadness was to channel it into something productive. Without waiting for your response, he started setting up some exercise equipment in his room.

"Come on," he urged, motioning for you to join him. "We're going to sweat out all that negativity. It's either that or wallowing in self-pity, and I won't stand for the latter, nerd."

Despite his brusque approach, you couldn't help but appreciate his determination to support you. You nodded, and together, you and Bakugo embarked on an intense workout session, pushing yourselves to your limits.

As you both exercised, the physical exertion began to clear your mind, and the endorphins started to kick in. Bakugo's unwavering determination and competitive spirit were contagious, and for a while, you found solace in the intensity of the workout.

By the time you finished, you felt physically exhausted but mentally refreshed. You realized that Bakugo's unorthodox method had indeed helped you forget about your sadness, even if just for a moment. It was a testament to his unique way of caring, and you couldn't help but be grateful for his support during your tough times.

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

[ohtransarchon]

August has been rough

Almost 6 months post-op now and I've moved back home with my parents and my mental health has rotted again!!

It's been really rough though. I don't really know how to explain the problem. I've been feeling bad about transitioning and that's a scary thought. I'll be honest I'm scared of fully vocalizing these thoughts, as if saying them out would make it real.

There are many possibilities for these thoughts though, I could be feeling bad because I'm regressing because of moving back home, I have done this before I got surgery back in 2022, I would constantly question whether or not I wanted to reaaallly do it even though I kept thinking about it. And now it's the same except I have actually done it and my brain is just freaking out-

It could also be me struggling with the irreversible part of it, which is a personal flaw of mine. I find myself needing to have a way back even if I never find use for it. Like holding on to receipts of things I want "just in case I suddenly don't want it"

or it could be me somehow pre-mourning a possibility (extreme overthinking on my part), my brain is upset that if I were to get implants they wouldn't be my boobs anymore, like my insides are forever gone so my brain is just prematurely sad for a complete hypothetical scenario.

Some people on Reddit told me that it's quite normal for people who have had any kind of surgery to feel kinda like shit 6 months and below after their surgery because your brain is trying to get used to the change, which is something I was aware of but- when you're in it you just become so blind fyi-

Recently though it does seem like maybe my previous identity might not fit anymore :) Sort of like, I used to have a more masc leaning identity to compensate for my body and now that my body is more aligned to me it's kind of like now there's too much masculinity in my life- and I need to get in touch with my femininity more now. I've heard that happen to other queer people as well!

When you transition you might find yourself changing again because your body isn't restricting you as much as it used to.

Transitioning can be freeing but also scary at times. There's a lot going on aaaall the time !!

[mrinafria]

Night on the balcony, OG vs ALT Seon Jae

[tw: death/killing]

It's a given that OG Seon Jae was murdered by the taxi driver but I've always been more curious about the how of it, because it was never shown to us. I really thought they'd shed some light near the end of the series but oh well. I won't complain because I got the epic rom-com ending of all times. But I think we can all agree that they deliberately left so many things out to give us the cutest fluffiest ending known to mankind lol.

A couple things that clicked as I was rewatching the ALT 2023 episodes recently, *coughs* for the 19th or so time *coughs*. There's this scene:

You see Seon Jae struggling with the taxi driver, who is trying to sedate him using that hanky since the moment he barges in. Of course there's something on it, which happens to be:

In the 2009 timeline, Tae Sung's dad and his partner at work talk about how the Taxi Driver's modus operandi is using animal anesthetics on his victims. We'll come back to this shortly.

A couple things to remember:

1. OG Seon Jae was already physically unwell when we see him post-concert. It was most likely a panic attack (was it because he saw the taxi driver? We'll never know why T-T). It's very likely he took medicines to calm his nerves. Some of these anti-anxiety/nerve-calming medicines can have the same ingredients as anti-depressants based on my experience, and one of the things they do is make you slightly drowsy, as a consequence of relaxing your nerves [disclaimer: please remember this is just based on my own experience and opinions I've seen people share. Medically there might be more to it.]

2. OG Seon Jae did not jump off on his own (because he is Seon Jae). However, that doesn't necessarily mean he didn't have depression. Im Sol's incident and him blaming himself ALL through 15 years is enough for anyone to spiral into it. Whatever little we saw, there were telltale signs of it, so it is possible he was under medication in the OG timeline (BUT he didn't jump off the balcony).

3. Basically, he was not in the best frame of mind when we see him in 2023, lost in thoughts of Im Sol and their unexpected meeting on the bridge, and then checking up on her secretly, as she gets back to her apartment. I won't get into details because I promised myself this was not going to be another one of my OG Seon Jae eulogies.

He was basically preoccupied with other thoughts and physically not in a good shape to put up a fight. Heck, he didn't even bother to pick up the call from his agency CEO or react to the doorbell right away.

UNLIKE THE ALT 2023 SEON JAE.

4. ALT 2023 Seon Jae had met Im Sol without any of the guilt and pain of OG Seon Jae.

5. ALT 2023 was already "in a relationship" with Im Sol (*giggles*) when we see him in the hotel room.

6. Unlike his OG self, he never seemed to have any panic attacks/mental health issues. He confirmed it himself when Im Sol kept asking about medicines/depression. He longed for Im Sol, but he wasn't in anguish, torturing himself for 14 years over something that never happened in that timeline. So he is perfectly well and capable of not going down without some struggle or fight when the taxi driver attacks him.

Now, going back to animal anesthetics.

[Disclaimer: I'm no professional and this is just something I learned. If any of you have a professional opinion about it, please let me know!]

I initially wrote off the chloroform trope for OG Seon Jae because it's detectable during autopsy. And according to the news, nothing suspicious showed up in OG Seon Jae's autopsy except for medicines.

Some animal anesthetics, however, are undetectable in human bodies, unless you're conducting specific toxicology tests if you are suspicious of something other than chloroform. I assume nobody did this specifically because no signs of struggle were found, giving no reason to suspect the cause of his death (again, we'll never know the specifics of toxicology tests done for Seon Jae's autopsy -_-)

If this progression of thought is right, something like this might have unfolded in the OG 2023 timeline:

7. Similar to ALT 2023, the taxi driver breaks into Seon Jae's hotel room. Seon Jae probably tries to fight him but he's not able to because of ^^^1-3 reasons. Taxi driver sedates him comparatively easily.

8. Once Seon Jae is unconscious (wow it's difficult to type this because my brain won't stop playing out this scene), taxi driver fixes the room so no signs of struggle can be found later.

9. Once he is done, he takes Seon Jae and throws him off *okay breathe*

10. Seon Jae's eyes are shut when we see him underwater. He is likely unconscious because of the animal anesthetics so obviously he can't swim or save himself.

That's a lot of conjecture going on in here lol but this at least helps me not to overthink this anymore. The only thing that's still bugging me: Everyone is busy checking out what happened with Seon Jae, so it may be possible the Taxi Driver manages to sneak in to delete the cctv footage somehow, but I'm not convinced myself. Why do I have a feeling the script actually had a different plan with the whole OG Seon Jae incident thing, and they just edited ALL of the other stuff out to make it more romcom-y? Again, no complaints, I LOVE they made it more romcomy, but I've already rewatched the series so many times, it's very hard to pass off all these things as nothing when I see they were trying to form a connection underlying the main plot.

Anyway.

[thestreamdreampony]

Me adding my two cents is probably not gonna do much, but here I go, I guess:

I want to preface this with saying that Wilbur's content and Lovejoy have been incredibly important to me and I've put a lot of time, effort and money into supporting Lovejoy especially. So finding out about this, before finding out about the details, I had originally reacted with incredulous derision of twitter stans. And then erring on the side of caution about how things developed.

At this point there's almost no question that it's Wilbur, for the simple reason that Shubble would have cleared up his name if it wasn't. There's no way she would throw someone innocent under the bus, if she knew somebody else was guilty. Additionally, not a single person in Wilbur's surroundings has disputed any claims and have only narrowed it down further towards Wilbur. At this point it is incredibly unlikely she is talking about anybody else.

I do want to take a moment to comdemn those (mostly on twitter) who used this opportunity to dig into both Shubble and Wilbur's private lives, trying to construct a narrative of her abuse and in some cases going so far as doxxing Wilbur. It is entirely possible to support Shelby and condemn her abuser, without invading their privacy and endangering people's lives. Shelby's goal was to warn people and to make them more aware of the signs of abuse. As well as make it as clear as possible, who she's talking about without saying who it is directly, for a meriad of possible reasons. It was not an invitation to write abuse fanfiction about her private life.

That being said, the way I will feel about this in the long run will depend heavily on how Wilbur deals with this situation. I will definitely distance myself either way (slowly but surely), but his reaction to this will influence how I will act moving forward.

Should he stay silent or respond with insincerity/derision/defensiveness/etc., then that's it for me. Fuck him.

But should he come forward, own up to it, apologize and prove that he is working on himself, then I might be able to find it in myself to give him a second chance over time. I just don't believe that doing bad things makes you irredeemable forever and ever and ever.

We know for a fact that Wilbur has been struggling with mental health problems for most of his teen and adult life and from his solo music we are also aware that he is incredibly aware of the fact that he is the problem in his relationships. Expressing dark thoughts in music, does not automatically mean somebody is abusive. In fact, creating dark art is an excellent way to deal with harmful thoughts and impulses. I have literally never taken his lyrics to mean that.

However, his lyrics in YCGMA and MSR have always been incredibly autobiographical and do show that he is acutely aware that he's the unhealthy element in his unhealthy relationships.

We also know directly from him, that he has distanced himself from most of his social circle and sought out therapy as recently as 2 weeks ago in an effort to improve his mental health.

This does not excuse his actions whatsoever. Mentally ill people are still responsible for the harm that they cause and Shelby is unbelievably brave to tell their story. I hope they finds peace, I hope she has all the support she could ever need and I hope she has achieved her goal of making people more aware of how people end up in situations like this. She is an inspiration for standing up for herself like this.

But I also think that, should Wilbur come forward, admit to his wrongdoings and prove over time that he is working on becoming a better person, friend and partner, that he does not have to be shunned forever and ever and ever. He has a long life in front of him and I hope both for him and all his future friends and partners that he manages to find a healthy, happy way of living. This can happen, even while he never bothers Shelby, or the other people he hurt, again.

This is a best case scenario. I do think he is allowed to take some time to formulate a response. A hasty response to situations like this have never helped anyone ever, neither the victim, nor the accused. Taking his time to come to terms with the situation, which surely came as a shock, and to really think about how he wants to deal with this situation is much better than him writing a twitlonger as soon as he finds out.

Either way, I will distance myself from him and Lovejoy, slowly but surely. I won't get rid of the merch clothing I own because it was quite expensive and throwing it away is a waste of perfectly good clothing, but I won't find the joy I once felt wearing them. (I am salty about me being gone from home for a few months and having ordered Lovejoy merch, which had been waiting for me for weeks and then finding out about this literally the day I travelled back. It definitely felt weird as hell to unpack that stupid NORMAL longsleeve with his fucking face on it, while being hurt and confused and angry.)

Listening to Lovejoy's music, likewise, will never feel as euphoric as it once did, even if I go back to it. Which really sucks cuz they genuinly hit my sweet spot in music taste. YCGMA and SISV specifically, have been so, so important to me and removing them from my listening rotation i going to Hurt.

Interestingly, I don't feel quite as terrible as last time I had to suddenly cut a content creator out of my life. So I guess practice makes perfect lmao.

I don't know if me writing and posting this had any point. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe it resonates with somebody.

Anyway, take care of yourselves. Take it easy and try to focus on other things, if this hit you hard (ideally offline). Try to meet with friends, maybe play some boardgames (or video games), go for a walk,read a book, have a coffee with a loved one. There's joy in the world, despite it all.

[banishedchildofeve]

˚｡⋆ Patron Saints that help guide us through the year

₊⋆·˚ ⁀➴ ༉‧₊˚. ₊ ⊹ 𖥔 ݁ ˖ ✧˚ .

- St. Dymphna ; the Patron Saint of mental illness.

while it can hard for us to admit that we are struggling mentally on a serious level, we have all had moments of feeling very low. i personally have struggled, and so struggle with, anxiety, depression, anger issues etc. these have been serious issues for me and i learnt a prayer i will link - here - that has helped me know St. Dymphna. ˚࿐

- St. Vitus ; the Patron Saint of oversleeping.

we have all overslept once, if not maybe multiple times a week or month. for some, oversleeping is a rare misfortune, but for others, including me, oversleeping is a regular problem and has affected my life in a various of negative ways. here is a - link - to a prayer that i found. ˚࿐

- St. Phillip Neri ; the Patron Saint of joy (and friendship).

i dunno about all of you guys, but i have lost more friends then i have gained since leaving high school. this isn’t a bad thing as a lot of the people i spent time with weren’t very nice, but like most people, i am always wishing for more friends. friendship is so important, and i read up about St. Phillip Neri and learnt so much. he is also the Saint of Joy! here is a - prayer - ˚࿐

- St. Padre Pio ; the Patron Saint of stress relief (and adolescents).

we all get stressed, duh. stress can take a toll on so many aspects of our lives, including our health on a long-term scale. trying to reduce stress is ironically, quite a stressful process. i have found peace in a plenty of Bible verses that talk about being calm and trusting God. i have also found peace in Padre Pio, a Saint who i knew about long before God called me to Catholicism. i have him on a bracelet, haha. here is a - prayer - by St. Padre Pio i have found, and also a - prayer - TO Padre Pio. ˚࿐

- St. Expeditus ; the Patron Saint of procrastination.

if someone says they don’t procrastinate, i’m 99.9% sure they’re lying. you do it, i do it, we know it’s bad, but it can be so hard to fight sometimes. good thing we have St. Expeditus! here is a - prayer - that we should all recite daily. i wish you the best! ˚࿐

- St. Anthony ; the Patron Saint of lost things.

my keys, my glasses, my card, sometimes even whole outfits or pairs of shoes… how many times a week, even a day, do we lose things we own? i’m sure we all know about St. Anthony, most atheists know about him, but i often find myself forgetting that he is there for us. a - prayer - to the finder of those annoying lost items.

- St. Jude ; the Patron Saint of lost causes (and “impossible” circumstances).

we have all thought a situation we’ve been in is completely and totally helpless. we’re stuck, there’s no way out and this feeling might just be forever. despite how hard these moments are, however long or short they may last, they do always end. we end up feeling better. however, that’s not to say that that feeling of helplessness isn’t so hard to bare. i’ve been there, i understand. i only recently learnt about St. Jude, (prior to this, the only ‘jude’ i knew of was the Beatles song… forgive me…). thankfully, St. Jude represents hope for the hopeless and miracles for all of us facing those helpless circumstances. - prayers

₊⋆·˚ ⁀➴ ༉‧₊˚. ₊ ⊹ 𖥔 ݁ ˖ ✧˚ .

i hope this was somehow useful. God bless you. <3

౨ৎ

i also just make up my own prayers to Saints when needed. sometimes we don’t resonate with a prayer, and that’s okay. i often add to prayers or find myself reciting my own. i linked prayers for suggestions, not as some sort of strict guideline :)

౨ৎ

[carryonafi]

where did the party go.

ashton irwin x reader; ANGST

a/n: heyyy lovers!! 2 posts in a row (almost) whaaat!! i’ve been working recently because i just went through my entire google docs and sorted everything out 😭 this is something i’ve been working on for quite some time now and requires a little bit of backstory. there will be another part to this series, and possibly a third? let me know if you want to hear about some of the key moments in the 2013–2016 period! so without further ado, this is part one of “where did the party go.”! 🤍

content warnings: sexual innuendos, heavy drinking, smoking, mentions of declining mental health

words: 2.4k

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

background: Your relationship with Ashton has been public ever since the beginning, starting in 2013 and continuing to flow and experience the life of 5 Seconds of Summer all the way until the band went on a break at the end of 2016. During those years, you took on the struggles that Ashton and the rest of the band faced which left them all having you as a permanent resident in their life. However, your relationship becomes rocky when Ashton refuses to communicate until the very moment he can’t take it anymore. His impulsive decision leads to you moving out, yet still being in his life because of the others and their friendship with you.

— POV: Ashton —

I could see nothing beyond her. Of course she would be here… of course. Heart stuck in my throat, I turned my attention away from her as soon as she started to look in my direction. We had ended. Months ago, yet I still couldn’t pull myself out of the mindset that she was still mine. I was still waking up next to her every morning, head on the fluffy pillow she claimed when we first moved in and hovering over the shadow of her figure in our bed. Yes, it was still our bed. It would always be. Everywhere I went she followed me whether it be the scent of the hair mist which stuck to the bathroom tile, the fluffy blankets she had chosen for the house, a few products left behind like she was coming back… she wouldn’t.

The music was bass heavy, rattling the table which in turn shook the floor and bounced off of the walls, reverberating in the guest’s ears. In the house I was suffocated, wanting and feeling like a beggar when I so much as looked her way.

“It’ll be like the iHeart Radio night all over again!” Michael made the comment, the rest of the group lightheartedly laughing despite the known tension. I left the circle almost immediately after that, not being able to bear hearing her sickeningly sweet giggle as she clung to any one of my friends besides me. I secretly wished the same, just over a year ago we were sharing smiles at each other and trying each other’s drinks, unable to separate as we made our way to the escort and back to the hotel in a blur.

The back porch brought an odd comfort to me, it was a change of pace from all of the lights inside. Calm, soft, warm yellow lanterns and fairy lights above proudly grown ferns. Although I did feel like an asshole for exiting at a time when people were talking to me, I just couldn’t handle the voices that weren’t her’s. I couldn’t handle her’s either. The vast green soothed me and the euphoria of a deep breath from a joint hit quickly, the blue smoke wandered together, then parted once hitting a certain point in the air. When it couldn’t carry the oxygen anymore. Familiar… Maybe. Maybe that’s why there were now tears obstructing my vision.

A sudden rush of consciousness and self pity struck my senses, cutting deep and forcing me to stand up off of the porch and make my way back inside the house within seconds. Hours felt like seconds and once enclosed, nothing was real. Not the people, not the music, not the house which was once our’s and now holding me alone, not the slow drift of which my rationality began to slip.

“Come on, Ash…”

She was real, though. Touching me, feeling for the stairs with her high heels, whispering words that I couldn’t understand— I went weak. I let her hold my weight, and her soft touch was replaced with a mattress. Clouds. Heaven. She was down with me, pitifully listening to me stutter apologies through tears and a lack of sobriety, begging her to let me hold her one last time before she found better. I mumbled with full confidence that I loved her. I loved nothing more than my weakness.

“I… I can’t.” She uttered those words which was the only blur I remembered hearing, it had to be the worst of it. Not her reassurance or her hushing my pathetic tears, I had to remember what she had pledged herself to. She wasn’t coming back.

Her dress was in my arms during the hours until I woke up, like she had vanished with all that was left being her clothing and a sweater missing from my closet. Everything came creeping in pieces, coming back with each step I took down the party soaked stairs. One led me to her hands, the next led me to her voice, breathing my name and encouragement to help me, then my knees led me to the hardwood of the living space. It was impossible to exist without thinking of her, from the moment I’d wake up it would be torture right away. I wasn’t lying next to her figure. I wasn’t waking up and rolling over to the side, her small, warm frame snuggling up to mine making soft hums and mews in her sleep. The smell of her hair, the freckles lightly dusting her cheeks and nose. All for me, just for me. Her morning voice, mumbling my name into my neck and chest as she desperately tried to get closer to my comfort. My arms enveloped her until she disappeared, then I remembered she wasn’t here again. She couldn’t.

When I walked around the house I imagined her happily skipping alongside me, dragging me over to the couch just to cuddle and burrow in the soft blankets for the rest of the day until one of us had to eventually finish a task.

No more fleeting kisses, no more shoulder rubs, no more long nails tracing my shoulder blades while my fingertips gave the same treatment to the dimples on her back and the dips in her hip bones. No more of her cheek pressed to my chest, arms wrapped around me in a tight embrace because she just didn’t want to let go. No more of the stubbornness which kept me smiling at how ridiculous she could be.

When I got home I would expect a long hug, she always stood on her tiptoes to hug me so her lips could meet my cheek.. or my own. Always warm, everything she possessed was warm. Her giggles, her lips, her voice, everything. Without her everything was just cold. I never rested comfortably because it was so, so damn cold.

I could feel her. Right there. The rise and fall of her chest, hips flush to mine as her soft, pink pout glossy with need stared up at me as a way to beg for attention. Her doe eyes, big and wanton silently telling me how much she needed my love, for my hands to trace her skin and plush valleys. For her small ones to grab mine tightly, tangle in my hair, whisper against my lips about how I needed a haircut before I shut down the sense of coordination for her thoughts with my hips meeting her thighs.

The days lulled by slowly without her there, I thought back to the night she left every single day. My words were not the right choice, she was willing to be there. She was willing to help me, but I didn’t think that something already broken could depend on something else the way I did to her. I had nightmares about the sounds of her heart wrenching, yet gentle sobs as I told her my thoughts. The promise ring still sat on my bedside table on her side just waiting for the day that I could really pull myself together and face her. My only weakness. My only reason, which could have been mine from the beginning if I was smarter. If I had worked harder.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

“Looking dapper, aren’t you?” Michael had noticed that I’ve been emptily staring into a mirror for what felt like forever. The abrupt sound of his voice pulled me from my thoughts as I blinked, looking at his reflection behind me.

“Oh, totally. Just can’t get enough of myself.” I replied in a sarcastic tone of voice, rolling my eyes as I smoothed a hand down the front of my suit. Award shows were fun, for the most part. A lot less stressful if we didn’t have a performance, we didn’t have to worry about becoming presentable once again. What can I say? We put our all into anything we play.

Michael grinned in a silent laugh at my reply, scrolling through his phone while Calum did the same and Luke was idle in front of the other mirror. He’d started wearing a lot of eye makeup, not that it was a bad thing. He was getting incredibly good at it, just to think a few years ago he barely felt comfortable putting on some chapstick in public. “Listened to Y/N’s new single yet? Pretty dope.” Michael hummed, nudging Calum’s shoulder to show him something on his phone which was presumably the cover or something… because he nodded in approval and made a comment that I didn’t hear. The sound of her name made me shiver, I took a deep breath and pulled myself away from the mirror to sit across from the others. Their conversation made no sense to me as I was still quite caught up in my own mind, my world of thoughts surrounding me about what this song could sound like. Would I ever listen to it? No, to save myself, probably not.

The one thing missing from this was her by my side again, squeezing my hand and holding on through the swamp of cameras and flashing lights. I could always remember her being the only thing I felt, in all of the chaos. I hadn’t even registered that we had made it out to the car and were sitting in the back already, I snapped back into reality again.

“You good, dude? You’ve been sorta spacey today.” Calum did the same as Michael did to him earlier and nudged my side, I defensively nodded and silently dismissed his worries. If I talked about it, I feared that it would all come out at once without being able to put a filter on my thoughts. Soon enough, we were back in that atmosphere again. Hopping out of the car and putting on an attitude towards the cameras but a different comfort for the fans who just wanted to see us up close, another car rolled in behind us after our driver had gone but I didn’t look. I started hearing her name again, hushed in comparison to all of the other desperate shouts and calls for attention. Fuck, wasn’t I lucky? I just had to keep moving, smiling, waving, making jokes and avoiding the mention of the girl haunting me.

This night was slow. So fucking slow, I just wanted to sit through this and get out of the venue as quick as possible. I wanted to go back to our bed, hold her knitted crop top up to my face and breathe in her scent which was long gone by now. However, we had to mingle. We just had to walk around and talk to people, I couldn’t leave by myself… it was worth a shot to try to enjoy the last few hours of the event. So far, I had been holding myself together pretty well and Luke stuck by my side to make sure I wasn’t left alone in my head. I knew he would do this for me, he wouldn’t hesitate to help me when I needed it. Even if I never vocalized it.

– POV: Reader –

There it was, the movie moment. The prolonged eye contact before an invisible pull drew the two closer to each other until they finally met in the middle, though that didn’t happen. You saw him from afar, shuffling alongside Luke and unable to hold eye contact. His hair was tame, but you knew it at its best. Thick, messy curls, damp from a shower, hanging over his lustful eyes at your favorite times, pushed back into one of your clips so they weren’t disrupting his focus. You knew the best of him, and you needed to see that again. It wasn’t you that ended things, but the chase after he realized his mistake hadn’t stopped until 6 months after you two ended. Bad idea, maybe? Your heels clicked along the tile, drowned out by the natural sounds of people laughing and congratulating, drinks flowing, claps on the back. You was drawn to him the minute Luke had pressed a hand to his shoulder and left his side.

“Hi.” One word that spoke a thousand all at once, Ashton turned with a look of… fear in his eyes. It didn’t go away when your eyes met, but his expression definitely softened.

“Hey, stranger.” He breathed, the soft ring of honey around his iris and between the forest green majority shrinking as his pupils dilated out of love. That was it, from the moment he spoke you knew that the pieces were already mended. There was healing. You bit your lip to hold in your smile, but you just couldn’t. It was contagious, Ashton shared a hesitant smile back with relief. ‘Are you upset with me? Have you forgiven me for making one of the biggest mistakes of my life?’ He wanted to ask, but better yet, your eyes told him more than enough. “I loved the song.” Ashton lied, he hadn’t listened to it.

“Oh, yeah?” You stared up at him, from the trouble he seemed to be having with eye contact earlier, he sure wasn't having any now.

“Yeah, you really deserve that nomination.” He mused, pupils darting up and down from the tip of your toes all the way up to your done-up, hairspray and product doused hair.

“I appreciate that.” You gave a warm smile, hands knitting together neatly in front of yourself. It wasn’t until you made eye contact again that you realized you were wearing his favorite color, his favorite cut– a nice baby blue tight around your hips and fanning out around your frame. Time was cut short, the award ceremony was starting in less than 10 minutes now.

Ashton cleared his throat, checking his watch. “We should… probably get to our seats.” He said softly, still lingering like he didn’t want to leave you behind.

You simply nodded in agreement, bidding him an awkward goodbye before stepping away and letting that invisible string loosen its hold.

The interaction left you slightly lost, even more lost than the moment you actually ended your relationship. It felt like walking away from an opportunity, the real embodiment of stepping away from a chapter in your life. Were you at peace? Maybe, but it was unfinished. You couldn’t sit through this award show, with performance after another the wait was getting more and more unbearable to handle

You needed to speak with Ashton, burn the bridge or rebuild it.

Where did the party go?

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

Part 2

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for rejecting someone bc they’re 'too skinny'?

I know this sounds genuinely horrible but let me explain. TW for eating disorder talk!!

I (20m) met this really cute guy (19m) through a mutual friend a while ago and we immediately hit it off. I really like him but the thing is, I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for over 7 years now. He’s super skinny and that’s totally okay but sadly it’s been triggering my ed a lotttt.

He literally said he loves how soft my hips are which made me feel physically sick. I haven’t had a reaction like that in a long time and it’s making me feel like shit. I’ve put a lot of work into addressing this eating disorder and trying to heal from it. Keep in mind that I’m a pretty thin guy, I’m 5'2 and on my recent doctor‘s visit I was around 116lbs, there really isn’t that much softness to me. No idea why he said that.

So, after some consideration and for the sake of my mental health, I decided to cut things off with him. We’ve only been on a few dates and I really didn‘t think it was that serious. He obviously asked me why and I decided to be honest, which didn’t go over well.

He called me a selfish asshole, accused me of bodyshaming him and then went and told my friends that I’m a 'vain bitch'.

I really don‘t think I’m in the wrong here. I have a lot of issues to work on, yea, but I try to handle them as well as I can without dragging anyone else into my mess. Still, a good number of my friends told me that I’m cruel and vain for what I did. None of them responded after I explained myself, so, I don’t know.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?