#nothing bad im just venting about how hard fc leading is

[stoneclaw]

if u saw this then unsaw it its bc i forgot the fucking readmore

man im too tired to keep the fc going these days.

lot of dif messes over the years ranging from normal conflicts to [people sign up for events then just dont. turn up en masse]

demoralizing

i wasnt ever really cut out to fc lead but i didn my best since twiz n calak trusted me to take over when they left -v-; this isnt an im giving up just an Im Tired. i will wait till therapys squared away before i decide to keep it up or throw in. cause last time i walked around like a dead man after we talked about disbandment i am not good at letting go of things that mattered to me.

im just like. socially tired? i don't have it in me to be everybodys bestie like u gotta as fc lead to k eep ppl feeling involved. i dont like recruiting, trying to form a bunch of bonds and 3/4 of them stop logging in or communicating and the other 1/4 never gets the chance to really integrate bc the rest of us are so scattered and busy with life or are actively avoidant of new ppl

im nervous around new ppl too and i hate the pressure of responsibility that leading has. and ive always been a bit reclusive and slow to open up so the TYPE of interaction required for me to do this successfully is just. not natural fo rlong periods of time for me. i thrive on a small number of consistent and close-knit people who stick around, which we have had off and on but like. life, timezones, personality clashes. yknow. we have a nice network of friends /around/ the fc but not in or together often enough. i am spread so thin. and i'm burnt out on gameplay all i really wanna do is rp when i have the brain for it and some good food to go on

and when ppl who have been there a Long time leave for one reason or another im like why are we still doing this. if i let go everyone could move on to something more suitable. i'm the one who can't let go. i'm the one who let everyone down.

but still. i'll make sure we have hob3 for the new patch and wait till i have support to make any major decisions, whether thats picking back up again or moving on. i just needed to. offload. i am so tired. blugh