#now im crying on the airport bus. great.

[yukinyaminyato]

on my way to the airport. preparing to cry bc i know i will 🥲

[canaidliafail]

stay grounded pt.5

[part 6]

streamer abby x streamer reader 🌿

so I wanted to write all of Abbys visit to “reader” in one episode but this one is already 5k words and its getting stupid long so..I split it in two parts 🥹

CW: alcohol,weed and sexual endeavours if you will. not proof read, will check later tonight for any mistakes

Minors get outta here

“You’ll love it when I give it to you, leave you wanting more ,Is it everything and more than you were hoping for ?”

_____________

ever since Abby sent you a screenshot of her flight you were on edge. You promised to pick her up from the airport which just meant that you would be there to take her to the bus stop. She did of course tease you for your lack of driver's license and motivation to get it but she did appreciate the gesture nevertheless. However you were scared. You had a bad dating history, an even worse situationship one and you didn’t even want to get into all the people you had to reject during your trips or the other way around. point being, you found yourself ready to light a candle and apologize for all your sins so that karma wouldn't bite you in the ass. Abby, gave you no reason to have that fear. Sure you didn’t text as much as you thought you would but the times that you did she seemed excited and she would occasionally send you screenshots of places she would like to see or would ask for advice on what clothes to bring. Overall, she was nice and seemed to grow closer if her joking manner and her more sarcastic side coming to the light was anything to go by.

you thought of asking

“you smoke weed?” to be ready but decided against it. You always had it anyways and if she were up for a round you’d just roll one on the spot. Abby wasn’t your only issue. This semester at your university was a constant, painful reminder that you were about to graduate with the difficulty level of all the assignments and projects. Now, you were a great student in practice but a terrible one in attendance. It was hard balancing work, mental breakdowns and college.

On your third fitting on the model your college provided you were ready to tear the fabric to shreds and start going off on everyone. You could understand why designers had a reputation for having a nasty attitude but if said designers were having their models switched every week, thus needing different measurements everytime you wouldn’t blame them.

“For fucks sake Im working on a line 44, why cant they just stick to the same model”

“Well this isn’t our graduation project so they are more relaxed”

“well I'm not and they shouldn’t be either” you argued with one poor classmate who dared to calm you down, oblivious to your temper that was impossible to tame.

this was why you refused to have models. In any case, your daily disapproval of your school's teaching system was something that didn’t bother you to that big of an extent. You disliked the way you acted though. You were snarky, impatient and took offense easier than usual and you couldn’t exactly understand why,so one late evening after fighting with everyone that knows you and doesn’t , you sat down on your couch and tried to find which unhealed version of you was getting triggered and why. Half an hour later you gave up and went to make a toast. Your friend group had 5 solid people. June, your most faithful cheerleader to every stupid decision you ever took and the one who also helped you go through with it, Cassie, the most blunt one who brought you back to reality, Rick, She was too sweet and too in love with her slow burn romance of 3 years and last, Olga.

She rarely appeared due to studying in a different city but when you needed someone to figure you out, she was the only one who could get you out of your head.

Most people had a friend like that. Someone that you talked to the least, yet knew you the best and perhaps, had the most intimate and platonic bond to ever exist. So that night, was a cry for help and luckily, Olga was in town and on her way to your place. She came ready, with a bottle of vodka on one hand and a fresh bag of tobacco on the other.

“Im listening”

she said sitting with her legs crossed on the floor across from you. she was about to burn sage and make a tarot spread if need be

“Alright listen so nothing happened but, I'm scared. I feel…weird. See this is a person that I've admired for so long and it’s only hitting me now that I’m about to meet her and its…it's scary actually”

Olga sat through it all and listened to you ramble for hours and pace all over the living room until you exhausted yourself and finally sat back down on the floor and started rolling a cigarette. You were stressed and out of nowhere your eyes were burning and you were crying and Olga was silent through it all. She grabbed you a new rolling paper and passed it over since the previous one got crumpled from your tears.

It took you an hour to completely calm down and then, she finally began to talk

“Listen it’s understandable that you feel that way, She was after all someone you admired for a while and well, it's not like you don't fool around with others but she was always in your mind”

You nod feeling the weighty clawed hands of depression wrap around your throat threatening another crying session that you had to fight back

“And between us, the last time you took anyone seriously it didn't go so well”

“It really fucking didnt” you agreed and she nod. You finished rolling the blunt and took a few puffs

“Alright now that that’s out of the way let's talk reality. Abby will visit you in a week. She is almost in every one of your streams and sure she posts with other women which in my opinion are just her friends,but she also constantly mentions you in her own streams”

You tried to protest and counter argue every reasonable point she made but she sushed you right a way with a glare

“Which has to mean something. Now I know your favorite hobby is downgrading every positive trait you have but Ill have to stop you”

“I really want this to work”

“And it will. Just be yourself,relax and smoke another blunt if you have to but trust me. It will work. It has worked so far and well, what are the odds of that in the first place?”

You smiled. A small smile but enough to show her that her point was understood. You rested your back against the front of your couch and checked your phone. There was a message there from Abby and you let the warmth and excitement that you felt imprint in your mind as a way to soothe your nerves till her arrival.

____________

“Just landed. Waiting for the luggage” you read the message over and over again and then looked up at the gate and saw the people walk out and look around for whoever was waiting for them. You tried to bite down the stupid grin on your face and tried your best to school your features in an unbothered-laid back expression to no avail. You were practically bouncing off the walls and scratching the curtains like a cat.

Abby was here,in your country,in your city a few walls apart. Literally.

You were ashamed to admit that you had practiced different ways to greet her and would constantly switch the position you sat in, not sure what energy you were trying to show. You were man spreading, and then you would cross your legs, and then you would stand up and lean against the bar tables from the cafeteria.

“Get it together” You whispered to yourself and just locked and unlocked your phone pretending to be busy.

One moment you were looking at an old video of you and June attempting a stunt and the other you were looking back up at the gate and the woman of your dreams was actually there. Walking and looking at her phone and then around until she spotted you.

She smiled, wide with teeth and wrinkles at the edge of her eyes and you waved her over. You half ran half walked over to her side and unexpectedly-for you- she hugged you.

“Hey!”

She smelled like pine soap and there was a lingering scent of the outside cold on her jacket. You wrapped your arms around her and felt her weight, her muscles and tried to connect with the very real image that she was right in front of you. She was tall and broad, and fuck so damn gorgeous. You pulled away at the same time and you couldn’t hold back returning the equally big smile that she gave you as her eyes darted all over your frame and face

“Wow hi,this is-“

“Crazy right? Can’t believe I’m actually here”

“Yeah! So how was your flight?” This was comfortable. She was comforting and just,so much easier to talk to than you initially expected. Her voice was lower up close and she wasn’t someone who talked loudly. She was expressive and,and,and

So many things you couldn’t stop noticing and observing about her in pure admiration. You feared that seeing her up close would give you a change of heart and you were so off base because if it did one thing, it was to confirm that you absolutely had a crush on this woman. It was a 40 minute ride till your apartment with the bus and once you reached your destination she visibly seemed to rest her shoulders and lean against the wall taking off her boots and beanie. You hated how attractive she was while doing the most mundane things

“You got a nice place. Can’t believe I’m finally witnessing what's behind the cameras of Cottons studio”

“Hah! If I didn't know you any better I’d say you’re making fun of me”

“I’m absolutely not” she teased and you helped her with her luggage

“So,normally when I have a guest they sleep with me in my room but I didn't know what you were comfortable with so I prepared the couch for you to sleep in as well”

“Ah I don't mind. Thanks”

She said and you assumed she would take the couch but to your horror and relief she left her bags in your bedroom. Which meant you two would share the same bed for the two weeks of her stay.

“Ugh,cool so ok” you looked around nervous and then slammed your hands together in a hollow clap.

“Alright so, let me show you my place first” she walked close behind you as you showed her how everything worked which made it difficult to even walk properly.

I should have trained my walk or something.

You thought in misery as you stood in the corridor showing her your crafting room. She stepped in around you to look at the clothes on the mannequins. You could’ve sworn that there were stars in her eyes when she know the full knight armor that you proudly displayed.

“Fuck I saw this on twitter but Damn you outdid yourself. All these details and”

“Its rococo architecture”

“I noticed.You add details like that to every piece you make. Oh right you also made a white dress that I really wanted to see up close”

“Oh that!” You chirped excited and walked over to the wardrobe on the other side of the room to find the piece. It was from your first year and it was the first clean work you did. The sewing was straight and not a line out of place. You showed it to her and then sat on the thought. That was a fairly old post. How far did she…

“Yeah that one. Its even prettier up close. Sorry I don’t know much about fabrics and all that but from the little that I know this looks amazing”

You were fiddling with your fingers and let her admire all your pieces occasionally adding some commentary about the construction or the inspiration. She showed genuine interest in this and you didn't know how to deal with someone this nice.

“I could make you one if you want” She stared at you wide eyed with a grin and lowered brows “You’d do all of that” she said and placed a hand on the shoulder piece of the knight armor “For me?” You shrugged and walked out of the room to grab your measuring tape that was in the kitchen aisle for unknown reasons. You stopped in front of your workshop's entrance and tried to reach up and see how big the breastplate would be for starters.A soft chuckle escaped her and your eyes shot up to look at her.

“Yes? Abigail?”

She gave you a crooked smile and licked her teeth “You are really short” You would have choked on your spit if your throat wasn't so dry. Was this her way of hitting on you?

“I think your judgement isn’t trustworthy since you are just unreasonably tall. My measuring tape won’t fit the whole of you”

She reached up and rested her hands against the door frame and leaned a little closer to you. Close enough to spike up your heart rate to a dangerous pace.

“Is that not to your liking?”

And in this moment, You hated every girlish bone in your body for smacking her lightly in the sternum and laughing all the way through that embarrassing gesture.

What.was.that.

“You are insufferable” she smiled and pushed herself away. That would sum up any notable moments in your first day with Abby. You did talk a bit and made a quick and general schedule of what you could do while she was here all the while she kept glancing around at your room and you decor while you rested on your couch

“You have a lot of stuff”

“Oh yeah empty spaces freak me out”

She nodded in contemplation

“I like it. My apartment has like, a lot less stuff”

You leaned on your arm and smiled,lazy and pleased with the atmosphere

“Why? Afraid Alice will make a mess?”

“No I know how to keep my pets well trained”

Your cheeks flushed and you reached on your coffee tables drawer to pull out your tobacco and roll a cigarette cause you were getting heated up out of nowhere and you were about to share a bed

“O-oh of course. Then…?”

“I don’t know, I just never bothered I guess? I have a lot of plants though. You’ll see, but yeah I just don't know what decor to go far”

Your mind paused mid sentence. -you will see-

Was that an invite ? You smiled and Lit your cigarette sitting back on the couch in awe of how well the first night went

___________

That night. You simply did not sleep. Your plan seemed genius a few hours ago, but Abby was happily resting in your bed while you played Valhalla,the wrath of the Druids DLC for the second time fighting to stay awake.

Abby Anderson,was sleeping in your bed. You smiled every time you remembered that and then you were ready to cry thinking of the possibility that this would be just a friendship. You texted your friends that had been blowing up your group chat since yesterday.

She is sleeping in my bed right now

Cassie: YOU HOOKED UP ??? GET IT GIRL

No, she is JUST sleeping. I’m up. In my living room playing valhalla

Couldn’t sleep like at all

june: why the fuck didnt you sleep in the same bed?!?!?! Out of all times NOW you remember to have shame ??

THATS NOT

SHIT SHE IS UP EVERYONE QUIET

june: PUSSYYYYYYYU

You tossed your phone on the couch and looked up at Abby in all her morning freshly woken up glory. You gasped quietly at the sight of her unbraided long hair. she wore gray sweatpants and a sleeveless top that showed off her biceps and the sunlight licked the curves of her arms in the most delightful way

“Good morning” you croaked and tried to clear your throat and repeated the greeting more smoothly. she chuckled and sat next to you on the couch

“did you sleep at all?” you shook your head and paused the game

“sorry it got so interesting and then next thing I know birds are chirping” she shook her head and looked at the screen which gave you an opening to look at her

“Then please continue. Need to know who Im competing against for your attention”

you grinned and shook your head trying to ignore her move cause it was too early to handle this version of Abby.

“No, it's fine. Wanna get coffee? my treat”

“sure” she said and you grabbed your phone going to an app and browsing through the open cafes

“you want something for breakfast?”

she leaned against you and peaked at your phone looking through the stores. Your breathing slowed and you felt the hair on your arms raise at the contact that her chin made with your shoulder. You stayed still scared that if you moved she would have pulled away

“I wouldn’t be against that. What do you usually have?”

“W-well. Im european so, a cigarette with coffee”

she looked at you in shock and then broke down in laughter pulling away and getting up with you unconsciously leaning over the spot where she was seconds ago missing her touch already.

“Yeah I’ve seen that meme going around. So it really is a thing” you smiled at her

“mmmm you know me so well”

“Well I hope I do” she teased and went to the bathroom to fix herself up leaving you breathless and a nervous wreck. Did you miss something ? Because it seemed like she was heavily flirting with you and you only now realized how bold she could actually be.

_________

Rick: I Cant wait to meet herrrr <333333

June:I’m so happy you are having fun but if she doesn’t pass the vibe check I’m breaking her kneecaps

Relax! I promise she is really cool.

Olga: what time are we meeting up ?

11 at our usual spot. We will go in together

Abby was laying on your couch going through her phone waiting for you to tell her the plan for the night. She did touch on the fact that despite the influencer parties she was not familiar with the clubbing scene. Not like you seemed to be at least and while at first you insisted that you didn't have to go, she really insisted on doing otherwise. So now you were getting ready and once you were dressed you sat on your vanity and noticed from the mirror that she was watching you. You smiled

“Hey want me to do your makeup?”

She tensed and walked over to you and sat across your vanity on the bed,manspreading and leaning on her elbows which unconsciously made you squeeze your thighs shut and you could feel the tip of your ears burn.

“I’d like that. But ugh,nothing too heavy?”

She asked and you chuckled going back to putting on eyeshadow

“Don’t worry sunshine. Ill do you right”

“Ooooh will you?”

You felt the hair on your arms raise and you looked back at her who had a nasty smirk full of innuendos and you cocked a brow deciding to take on the challenge

“You have no idea”

And that was the first time you saw her get flustered in the most subtle of ways. Reaching around her neck to rub her nape and not looking at you the moment you saw a dust of pink on her nose and cheeks. This was your first little victory.

You were done with your makeup soon enough considering you had a standard go to makeup that you just knew complimented your features the best and then you turned around to start attending to her.

You grabbed a base, a mascara and your eyeliner pomade and stood up to tower over her while doing her makeup.

“Alright relax big girl, I’m not going to hurt you” you said teasingly when you saw how stressfully shut she had her eyes and she breathed out letting a laugh escape and releasing the tension

“Sorry. Not used to this happening”

“That makes me feel so fucking special” she chuckled and then tried to stop when she felt move on your hands starting to do their work.

“You have beautiful features, you know. Bet you’ve been on many MUAs eyes”

“Stop,you’re just flattering me now”

“Absolutely not. I hate doing peoples makeup and yet I wanna do yours”

You tried applying very little foundation, loving the map of constellations the freckles on her face formed and had a desire to accentuate them more by working around them.

Without realizing you moved closer to her standing between her spread thighs, your naked knee grazing her jeans. She carefully moved a hand behind it and gently held your leg which you tried not to think too much about. That was until you felt her thumb brush against the tender flesh of your skin. Slow and subtle and so careful, almost like a wolf trying to lure in a deer. You kept working with her face and when it came to doing her eyeliner you had to be steadier. So you moved closer, balancing your knee on the edge of the bed between her legs, her hand following the movement all the way through until her palm was now resting just a few inches below your ass given that now the only empty space was your thigh.

You were shaking

“Sorry Ill have to hold your face so that I don't mess up”

“Yeah go ahead”

She said a little more rattled than you expected her to sound and you held her cheek while drawing a thin,small brown line. You finished up with the mascara and had to resist testing your luck by suggesting lipstick.

“There. Done”

She opened her eyes and you stared at each other with your lips parted for a few minutes as the realization of your proximity hit. You pulled away first and motioned her over to your mirror which she had to heavily bend over to look at her reflection and she smiled

“Oh wow yeah, You are good. Never thought I’d see myself like that”

Your hands were shaking and you were starting to get anxious. Badly. Your mind wandered off to the fear that you just missed a very good opportunity and you seriously needed weed or a drink

“Alright we are ready to get going then”

Abby hit it off with your friends right away. Not that you ever had doubts but you could never be too sure. Rick, the sweetheart, was obviously just incredibly happy to see you with “the buff mommy of your dreams” as she whispered to you before you walked into the club which earned her a slap on the arm to hush her. The night was going well, save for the first hour of awkwardness before the shots started coming in and the good songs were being put on. You danced and when your favorite song came you and June grabbed each other by the arms and screamed the lyrics at the top of your lungs. You were so lost in the moment that you completely forgot how you looked and when you turned around to check on Abby there was nothing but awe in her face. No hint of disgust or discomfort or second hand embarrassment as you feared you would find. No, if anything she seemed to love whatever was unfolding before her eyes and she leaned back to sit on a stool and crossed her arms with a smirk looking smug. You walked over to her and too drunk to care propped your hands on her thigh and leaned in close to her ear

“Are you having fun?”

An arm reached out around you and rested on your lower back which gave you shivers. Your dress was backless and short which normally would make you feel cold but Abby's touch made it feel like it was hot summer night

“Oh yeah this is great. You are a good dancer”

You laughed drunk and high with music euphoria and held her arm you fingers pushing into the muscles in delight and tried to get her stand up

“Then dance with me”

Dragging her was pointless. Like a mountain Abby would not move and could not be swayed. But she did seem to enjoy your determined efforts to get her to do what you wanted so she indulged you while teasing your every move and reaching out to take a sip from her drink.

“You are so stubborn” You mumbled and she leaned in closer asking you to repeat the question the same moment that a girl bumped into you and in motion you fell on Abby. Gravity failed you both as her drink spilled all over your dress sparing her jeans and shirt which made you frown and groan in frustration.

The girl turned around to look at you in embarrassment and immediately held your hand

“I’m so sorry fuck let me help you clean up” she said frantic and your face softened immediately at her remorseful behavior. Your dress was most certainly ruined though. Abby stood up pushing her drink on the other side of the counter and held you by the waist glaring at the girl “Its fine we got this” She said, loud enough for the three of your to hear and moved you upstairs to the restroom.

“Alright now, paper towels” She said to herself and you leaned against the sink counter feeling your head buzz. The smell of chlorine made you dizzy and you had to kneel down and rest your head in the hollow of your crossed arms that were propped against your knees

“You good?” Abby asked and you looked up at her concerned expression

“Ah, I have such a good angle from here” Sober you weren't friends with drunk you. With every shot you took your filter evaporated and you were the type of drunk who got incredibly horny and flirty. The sight of the woman who was sculpted like a Greek statue accelerated those thoughts and those khaki pants sat so nicely and low on her crotch showing just a sliver of her black boxer briefs.

“Oh you are drunk as fuck” She said and kneeled before you holding your arms away from your chest to start cleaning the front of your dress.

“You leaned your head closer to her face and she looked you in the eyes with a playful scowl.

“Oh and you aren’t ?”

She shook her head with a smile and went back to wiping your top

“If I wasn’t I would not be able to do this with that much comfort” she admitted and you did only now notice that the area she was so carefully trying to clean was your chest. You smiled and held her hand to grab the tissue

“Let me do it myself then”

“Absolutely not”

“You fucking pervert”

“Oh you have no idea”

You both laughed and when you left the bathroom you were even closer than before. She still refused to dance much but with the help of your friends you did lift her spirits enough to at least not constantly be seated on a stool. That and she seemed incredibly intent on keeping hold of you one way or another putting quite a show when a more sensual song would play without ever getting too explicit. It drove you mad, this slow burn game of push and pull that lasted throughout the entire night and all the way home where you both crashed on the bed hardly in the mood to properly change or take off your makeup but you did have the decency to turn around when she changed and so did she. Not that it mattered since she decided to sleep in her sports bra and sweats and you wore an oversized t-shirt with your underwear only.In a way,there was a distant thought of you hoping that something more would have happened while at the same time you were incredibly satisfied with the turn of events

—————

Abby’s POV

Her head was spinning and not from vodka. All night she was fighting the urge to make you dry hump her thigh or thrust her hips against your ass in the most vile and sexual way possible.Hell she was close to doing so after the fifth shot of Smirnoff. She groaned and turned around in the bed now face to face with your sleeping frame. She was close enough to feel the small puffs of air on her exposed sternum. She herself was slowly dozing off and was ready to fall asleep until she felt you move closer and bury your face in her chest and tossed your leg over her thigh,keeping the other one snuggly between your own. Her senses were clouded and her head was a mess and she saw you open your eyes that were glossy and in the same daze as she was. You didn't say a word and neither did she. She felt your fingers first, circling her waist and nudge at the waistband of her sports bra, feeling the skin and dipping your fingers beneath it just enough to feel some more. Your eyes fell on her lips and she took the initiative to kiss you. That was the intent. But the gesture was a lot softer, barely grazing the surface. She looked at your eyes trying to find any sense of discomfort but you whined at the loss of contact and she kissed you a second time with more fervor,nibbling on your lower lip and pressing her tongue against it. You opened your mouth with a moan and she took her chance to dive deeper and switch positions with her now on top of you and your hands deep in her scalp holding her hair in fists as you reciprocated the gesture silently begging for more.

She pushed a thigh between your legs and you met her movement by grinding your hips against her chasing some sort of release.

“Abby” you whispered her name like a prayer and she pulled away from your bruised lips a string of saliva still connecting you both with the taste of your cherry lipgloss on her tongue.That soft needy voice may have been the most divine sound that had ever graced her ears. She gave you another kiss on the cheek and then on your jaw and went all the way down to your collar bones. She decided to linger on your neck a bit more nibbling at the tender skin just above your pulse,careful not to leave any unwanted marks. You called for her again and she pulled away and held your face in her hands and gave you another kiss. There were so many things she wished she had the energy to do that night, but there was an impending headache numbing her skull and she could see you struggle to stay sober and awake. You were both drunk and in need of sleep.

You pulled her closer and she rested her head on your chest listening to your heartbeat. Her arms slipped beneath your waist holding you tightly against her front and then she finally fell asleep

••••

here’s my ko-fi tip jar if you enjoy my work 🤍

[peachymhaechan]

“You know, you have pretty good taste.”

Genre: fluff, a tiny bit of angst I suppose, travel!au

Pairing: Hyuck x reader

Warnings: language, my guy

A/N: i’m uploading this after junior year is finished, hell yeah!! also, happy birthday my full sun, we all love you so much!! unrelated but im trying something other than bullet point scenarios for once?? who IS she

   It was four in the morning, the sun wasn’t out and the birds were not chirping. Instead, the sun was in the process of rising and all that could be heard was shitty airport music and the overpowering sound of airplanes taking off. The people passing by you were an odd mix: some passing layover time by getting drunk off their asses, some hustling to the next gate, some excited to go on vacations (Example that everyone has seen before: that middle class family of four headed to Disney World with matching Mickey and Minnie Mouse T-shirts with their names on the back) or see their families. You, however, happened to be in the group of people who had just finished vacation and were now back home, and dreadfully so. Who would want to go back to the boring and mundane after being at the beach with a group of friends for two weeks? 

   Taking your time to pick up your luggage, you stopped in the bathroom to pass time, as you wanted to avoid the initial rush to at the baggage claim. The first ten to fifteen minutes at the baggage claim were the worst because you had to deal with cranky tourists, crying babies, and overly loud people talking on the phone. After it felt like enough time had passed, you went to the baggage claim for your flight and waited to pick up your suitcase. It was black, with a hard exterior and no really notable qualities other than a yellow tag with your personal information written on it. 

   The bags all went around the conveyor belt a few times and you finally spotted your bag. Well, what you assumed to be yours; it was the exact same suitcase with a yellow tag, so there was no real need to be suspicious of anything or doublecheck the tag. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed a boy who appeared to be your age grabbing a suitcase that matched yours to a T. He looked tired, like he had been running nonstop and was extremely exhausted, so you thought of complimenting his choice of travelling bags but stopped yourself. Just as you were about to leave, you felt a pair of eyes on you so you turned and found the boy with the same suitcase staring at you. He blushed at being caught but still gave you a small smile and bowing his head in a sleepy greeting. You did the same to him, giving him a small wave and saying, “You know, you have pretty good taste,” and gesturing to the bag. 

   He chuckled cutely, the noise making you blush immediately, and said, “You too.” With that, you both went on your merry ways, not thinking anything of the encounter or the fact that neither of you checked the damn tags to see if you took the other’s bag. Plot twist: you grabbed the wrong bag. 

   About one hour later you closed your apartment door behind you, slipping off your shoes and collapsing onto the couch. You threw your phone onto the charger and placed it onto the coffee table and as soon as your head hit your pillow, your eyes shut and you fell into a deep slumber, your body trying to get rid of the major jet lag. 

   The sun shining through the window and warming your skin woke you in the middle of the afternoon. Deciding that the amount of sleep you had gotten after getting home would be substantial enough for the time being, you got up and started to unpack. Laying the suitcase on your bed, you opened it up and it took you a second to realize it, but boy oh boy were you shocked. 

   That was not your suitcase. 

   How did you know? Well, because the last time you checked, you didn’t wear boxer briefs, especially not ones with lipstick kisses all over them. 

   “Fuck. Shit. Ass. Piss,” was all you could say as you closed it back up and went to check the tag tied around the handle. Lee Donghyuck, the name read, with a phone number scribbled next to it. You went into the living room to go and text the ever mysterious Lee Donghyuck, when the screen was illuminated with a text message from an unsaved number. 

   Hey Y/N, this is Lee Donghyuck from the airport. We had the same bag, remember? Well, I think you’ll find out pretty soon if you haven’t already that we have each other’s bags. Let me know when you’re free so we can swap, please!

   Sighing a breath of relief at the fact that at least the boy was polite and respectful about this awful situation, your fingers started moving over the keyboard to send a message back. 

   Hi Donghyuck, this is Y/N! I’m free all day, where would you like to meet up? We can go to a coffee shop by my house if that is okay with you. If it’s too far, no worries! We can just find somewhere else to go :)

   Not even seconds after you sent the message, Donghyuck sent a response asking which coffee shop you had in mind, and to send him the address. You happily obliged, wanting nothing more than to sort out this mess and get your stuff back. 

   Alright sounds good, I’ll see you there in about an hour !!

   It had almost been time to meet up when you started to head to the coffee shop you guys planned on. It was a little hole in the wall, mom and pop place that had stolen your heart (and money) ever since you moved to that little neighborhood. The best drink on the menu was their caramel macchiatos, the warmth from the beverage warming you to the core on the coldest winter days, and the ice in the cold version cooling you on the hottest summer afternoons. 

   The little bell above the door rang when you walked in, and the barista at the counter gave you a warm hello. “Y/N, how was your trip?” Jaehyun, the fulltime sweetheart and halftime barista, asked you, immediately making you your usual. Taking a seat at your normal spot by the window, you flashed him a grin and said, “Amazing. It felt so good to get away and worry about nothing other than putting on more sunscreen.” The tall boy handed you a steaming cup and before he could say anything else, the bell rang again. 

   Your eyes drifted to the door and you found yourself staring into the same eyes you had stared into earlier. Donghyuck stood in the doorway, not as recognizable, having changed from that morning. Rather than wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, he donned ripped jeans, a loose sweater, and clean sneakers. Rolling your suitcase right behind him, his eyes scanned the room for you, and you could pinpoint the exact moment he saw you. 

   “Y/N?” he hesitantly called, walking towards you. Jaehyun retreated to behind the counter, leaving you two to it. “Yes, hi, hello!” you confirmed, waving hello to the boy and finding yourself in shock when your heart skipped a beat at the sight of him running a hand through his faux golden locks. 

   “Ah, I’m sorry we had to meet like this,” he sheepishly told you, rubbing the back of his neck. He took a seat across from you, changing the view you normally got in your spot. Never in all your experiences at the shop had something or someone changed the view you had: the window to the outside, showing the little alleyway and any locals walking to some of the other shops. It came to you, then, that maybe you didn’t mind a bit of change if it was that cute. 

   “Oh, I don’t mind, really. I’m glad it happened with someone as respectful as you, though. You never know how people can be nowadays,” you said, taking a sip from your drink. “Would you like something to drink? Jaehyun is really good at what he does,” you said, nodding over to the barista who stood behind the bar, seeming bored out of his mind. 

   “Hmmmm…. what would you recommend?” he asked, stealing a glance at the bit of froth that gathered above your lip. 

   “The caramel macchiato is what I normally get. Both iced and warm, its great,” you said, gesturing to the beverage in your cup, a small smile on your face. 

   “Alright, then. I trust you. I’ll take a large caramel macchiato...” 

   Once Jaehyun had made the drink and refused any payment (and gave you a wink from behind Donghyuck, thank God he couldn’t see that), you two chatted for hours. The sun was starting to set before it dawned on you that you had been there for almost three hours, stomach sore from laughter and cheeks burning from smiling. Talking to Donghyuck felt like talking to an old friend, despite knowing him for less than twenty-four hours. In the short time you had spent together, you gathered that he was a sweet and caring boy, as he took care of his younger friends and his younger siblings, but that didn’t stop his whip-like tongue from throwing out witty remarks any time an opportunity arose. His sense of humor was very similar to yours, and his interests were the same as yours, so you two had endless topics to discuss. 

   “Oh my God, what time is it?” you asked, falling out of your stupor and dragging your gaze away from the boy’s beautiful curled lashes and the way they rested upon his cheekbones. You heard Jaehyun dramatically yawn behind the counter, causing you to roll your eyes as Donghyuck checked his watch and said, “It’s almost nine o’clock, I’m about to miss the next bus to get back to my house.” 

   “Well, I guess we should be leaving, then. Good night, Jaehyun, thank you for everything! The macchiato was great, as always.” You both stood up and gathered your things, switching suitcases and checking the tags this time just to be safe. You both shuffled out of the shop, sending a smile and a wave over your shoulder to the barista before standing in the middle of the doorway. 

   Standing there, you weren’t sure what to do or say, but then Donghyuck spoke up. “Thank you for agreeing to meet up with me, I appreciate it. A lot of people nowadays would have just mailed it to me or something, so I’m pretty grateful that you met up with me right away. Oh, and you’re pretty nice, too, so, um... maybe we can meet here again? If that’s okay with you, of course.” There was a crimson tint to his cheeks and you found it outright adorable that the boy blushed at the thought of seeing you again. 

   “I’d love that, Donghyuck! Thank you for not being a serial killer or something and recommending your house instead,” you told him, trying to lighten the atmosphere around you two and succeeding when you heard a little giggle escape his lips. “You really should be going now if you don’t want to miss that bus,” you said, giving him a smile. 

   “Yeah, you’re right... text me when you get home safe, okay? I feel terrible that I can’t walk you home.” He kicked at a rock on the ground, a small pout forming on his cherry red lips. 

   “I will, don’t feel bad! Have a nice night!” you exclaimed and, feeling particularly bold, leaned up to place a feather-light kiss on his already dusted cheeks. The seemingly outgoing boy froze on the spot, skin heating up and eyes widening and watching you pivot and wheel your suitcase away with energy in your step. 

   As soon as you got home, you flung yourself down on the bed and let your actions sink in finally. The memory of kissing his cheek made you all giddy and start giggling, before inevitably squealing into your pillow. Remembering what he told you before you were ever so adventurous, you pulled out your phone and sent him a quick text. 

   Okay, I’m glad you made it home safely! :)

   A few seconds later, you received another text, not giving you any time to recover form the first one.  

   Would you like to hangout tomorrow? If you’re available, that is! 

   Fingers flying over the keyboard and heart leaping out of your chest, you sent a reply right away. 

   I’d like that a lot, Hyuck

[oyesmendes]

I'll be there

a/n: I got this idea a while ago and I've really been sitting on the fence for it, but since you guys asked, here it is. grab a snack, tissue and lots of emotions. if you're feeling down or you need an ear to hear you our, my inbox is always open and im here for every single one of ya beautiful humans. xx ash

warnings: mentions of death, hallucination, angsty and kinda sad 

“Shawn?..Shawn I’m so sorry baby, Riley is gone…” He let out another choked sob, his mother only able to comfort him through the phone. You stood there in front of him ready to catch him if he fell, which he did and you had him in your arms in seconds. The phone smacked straight down to the floor and he completely broke in your arms. You squeezed him as tight as you could, whispering into his ears softly.

“Shh, its okay I’ve got you gorgeous, I’ve got you” once his breathing evened out, you picked up the phone on the floor, surprised that Karen hadn’t hung up on Shawn. Instead, she still was behind the phone breathing softly into the speaker. Shawn had his head buried into your neck, tears rolling down his face uncontrollably

.“Hey Karen..”

“How’s he holding up?” A soft sigh escaped your lips as you massaged Shawn’s scalp with your free hand. 

he’s broken. “He’s okay, for now at least. We’ll be on the next flight back.”

“Alright sweetheart, take care of him for me okay, I’ll see you both when you’re back” Karen hung up and the dressing room was once again filled with silence. The crew had given Shawn the privacy that he needed when he received the call, so the room was only occupied with you and a broken Shawn in your arms. You pushed Shawn away from your chest, cupping his face in your hands. His eyes were bloodshot, cheeks puffy and read as he breathed heavily. Tears couldn’t stop flowing from his eyes and you wiped them off with your thumb every single time. 

“Shawn… why don’t you go sit on the couch over there? I’ll talk to Andrew about the flight and we’ll get out of here as soon as we can” it wasn’t an option for Shawn he knew, so he helped himself up hands still intertwined with yours as he curled up into a couch way too small for his frame. You planted a kiss to his forehead, and watched him stare off into space as the light in his eyes slowly faded. 

Riley was shawn’s best friend. They  had been best friends ever since they could remember and you loved the boy too. He was the kindest, biggest sweetheart of all time but bad things happen to good people. Last week as Riley was driving up to Toronto to stay over at yours and Shawn’s apartment, he was met with an accident as his car had slipped on some black ice on the road.

-

“Riley has what?!” Shawn shouted over the phone as you placed your hand on his knee. Shawn shot up immediately, grabbing his keys and you followed suit behind him. he tucked his phone into his pocket, immediately grabbing your hand and pulling you along with him. 

“he’s he's been in an accident..” was all Shawn managed to say as you both stood in the lift. you slipped your arm around him, taking his car keys and driving the both of you safely to the hospital. it felt too surreal for you, the tubes, the bandages and beeping machines. but the doctor said he would be okay, which gave Shawn enough assurance that his best friend would survive and that Shawn could continue touring. 

- 

so Shawn trusted Riley and he left for tour. 

He’d been in the hospital for a week now and doctors were optimistic until this morning when Riley quietly slipped away in his slumber. No explanation, nothing. Riley just left and that has left Shawn in the state that he is right now. 

“Andrew, we’re going to need to fly out as soon as we can” you said, watching the older man, click something on his laptop. He turned the screen over, nodded as you looked at him.

“Go, go pack and get to the airport. I’ll have Jake and a few others take you guys there for better security.” You nodded, hugging him tightly before heading back to the dressing room. Shawn was still in the same spot, but he stopped crying now only a pillow hugged tightly in his arms. You picked up his stuff one by one, shoving it into his backpack before doing the same for yourself. You grabbed shawn’s hand and he followed as if he were a three year old being taken around by his mom. He slung his backpack on his back, and intertwined both your hands together. Andrew had Jake take your luggage out of the tour bus, and he was waiting out front for the both of you. the ride to the airport was silent but shawn’s hand never left yours, even on the 5 hour flight home. 

-

“Shawn oh my goodness, I’m so sorry baby I really am” Karen hugged Shawn tightly and once again started the tears from his eyes. Manny and Aaliyah took you in for a hug too, settling the both of you down in Shawn’s old room. He was in the middle of the queen sized bed, knees brought up to his chest as he buried his head into his hands.

“Why?” He croaked out, the first words Shawn had ever said since the news. You stopped unpacking his clothings and sat right at the edge of the bed. 

“Some things happen for a reason baby, this being one of them” you reached out to rub shawn’s arm and he shook his head. 

“No, why aren’t you crying? Are you not sad?” there was a hint of anger in his voice which made you frown. But you understood where he was coming from. This was one of the 5 stages of grief that you were all too familiar with - anger. And that you shouldn’t take anything Shawn says to heart. So you didn’t, and you continued to rub his arm comfortingly, hands tracing his tattooed arm. 

“I am, I am devastated Shawn but one of us has to stay strong and I’m doing that for you” you pressed your forehead against his. and that was the truth. Your whole life you’ve been grieving — your dead pet fish, your grandparents who passed on one after the other, and your brother who went to the military and died in war. You knew how this works, you knew Shawn needed that lighthouse in the dark in order for him to stay alive. That’s how it was for you every single time, the people around you kept you sane, kept you out of it from wanting to join those that had left. But Shawn didn’t understand this, he couldn’t understand how you were not crying, how you didn’t look like you were in pain. So he pushed you away. 

its the grief, its the grief you repeated to yourself multiple times, hoping that some how or rather, your mind would choose to believe it.  You placed the pyjamas at the end of the bed, and kissed Shawn on the forehead before leaving the room.

“How is he?” Aaliyah asked as you shut the door softly. You shrugged your shoulders, taking her in for a hug so tight, you felt slightly better again. 

“He’s grieving, thats all” you said, ruffling the younger girl’s hair. She nodded linking arms with you as you headed downstairs to the kitchen to make yourself a much needed coffee. Turns out, Karen and Manny has already beaten you to it, an iced coffee sitting on the counter with your name on it.

“You okay?” Manny asked, sliding over a glazed donut to you which you gladly accepted. 

“Yea I’ll be okay, I’ve been there before” you mumbled under your breath, and both Shawn’s parents and Aaliyah nodded their heads, engulfing you in a family hug. the warmth that they all needed, the slightest hint of hope that this wasn't as bad as they felt like it was. 

-

You were dressed in a black long-sleeved dress and if Riley was still here you could hear him say that it was nice and fitting, and you look amazing. You shook your head bringing yourself back to reality as you checked on Shawn in the bathroom. He had his signature black jeans on with a black button down, the one Riley “hated” to see Shawn in because it got him more looks in the club than he did. You sent Shawn a small smile in the mirror as he styled his hair and as you reached forward to touch his hand, Shawn pulled away immediately leaving you behind in the bathroom. he had been avoiding you for the past week and you knew it was the anger and feeling of hopelessness boiling in his bones so you constantly reminded yourself,

it’s part of the grieving, it’s part of the grieving.

as you arrived at the church, your breath hitched as it reminded you of all the past memories that came flooding back. You tried to push them out of your mind shaking the thoughts away as you walked beside Aaliyah and Shawn. A figure of your brother smiling at you would appear in one corner and your grandparents in the other such that it all felt too real. But you kept going. This was Riley’s last goodbye, it was you paying tribute to him, not about you and your thoughts. but the worst part about this was that you couldn’t hold shawn’s hand, or tell him about any of this because he was in pain. So you took a deep breath, and sat down in one of the pews with his family. Like all funerals, this one was solemn too, mentioning how great Riley was, how he had left an amazing legacy behind and that he was taken away too soon. You gulped when you saw another image of your brother in your mind along with all your childhood memories, and your hands trembled slightly on your thigh. Somehow Karen managed to notice this, and she had her hand in yours, gripping onto it tightly. 

When the service ended, Shawn immediate slipped out of the pew to Riley’s parents, leaving you by yourself. you felt the pang in your chest once again but you quickly ignored it, turning your attention to the Mendes family and to Riley one last time to say goodbye. You dropped a white rose into his coffin where he laid to rest, whispering a soft goodbye before leaving down the aisle with Aaliyah. Your hand was in hers as you walked, but when you saw a figure of your brother in front of you again, that was when you lost it. You stopped right in your tracks, yanking Aaliyah slightly. She turned, seeing your face as tears streamed down your cheeks. You knew it was all a hallucination, that whatever you had seen in the hours before was not real but the sight of your brother in his signature jeans and tight fitted white shirt had you breaking down. The thought of losing the people around you - Shawn in particular just came to you like a tsunami. your hand clutched your chest as you let out racked sobs, and soon enough Karen had wrapped her arms right around you. 

“It’s okay baby girl, you’re safe here with me, I’ve got you” Karen whispered softly into your ears. 

“I- I see him- brother… my brother I miss him. I dont want to lose Shawn- I’m sorry” you managed to choke out, and Karen just rubbed circles on your back. 

“Shhh, its okay you’re not losing him honey, I have you baby girl”

Shawn, who was still oblivious to it all, had been dragged by Aaliyah to you. “Liyah, please stop dragging- mom? Y/n?” He stood there in shock, taking in your puffy lips and tear stained cheeks. You shook your head, unable to face the man who was supposed to be there for you, just like you had been for him for the past week. You let your legs carry you as far way from him as possible, black heels hitting the ground under you as you went round the church over looking the city. You let out another sob, calling out for your pet fish, your grandparents, then your brother and then Shawn. 

“I’m here, I’m here” a strong pair of arms wrapped around your waist. You leaned back, still crying out and apologising every few seconds. shawn let you apologise, but still shushed you every few seconds when your voice got louder and more broken. Shawn spun you around so your chest was pressed against his his hot breath on your forehead. You leaned your body on to him, too exhausted by everything. 

“Why didn’t you tell me anything?” He asked, hands smoothening out your messy hair. 

“I told you, one of us has to be strong for the other…” you let out a small smile, brushing your fingers on shawn’s cheeks. He clearly had been crying too, the tear stains and bloodshot eyes evident on his face. “And having gone through this many times before, I’m used to being the strong one. Its just that this time I saw you in pain and yet you kept pushing me away so I couldn’t do anything. That, that hurt and it reminded me so much of myself and my ex when my brother left. I thought you were going to leave me to. And my brother, I saw my brother today…” you continued, keeping your head down. Shawn tilted it right back up so you looked him in the eyes, his hazel brown orbs looking right into yours. 

“I’m sorry babe, I promise never to push you away again” he engulfed you in his signature bear hugs, squeezing you so tightly in his arms. “I promise I’ll be there when you need me, I promise I won’t ever leave you, y/n.”

[im-tops-bottom]

Dear Anonniiee~....

"Clint call the doctor's pronto. Natasha get...."

Everything became a blur for everyone since then. People were on autopilot trying to bring back Tony. He was rushed to the medical suite and almost died on the table a couple of times. There were times everywhere after managing to get Tony back to an alright stable condition.

What felt like an hour or so later everyone was gathered around as the doctor took a look at the notes.

"he is alright and the baby is now in a somewhat stable condition"

Steve was the first to speak up as everyone was stunned into silence trying to process what they just heard.

"I'm sorry what did you say? That can't be right"

"I'm sorry I thought you all knew"

Natasha stepped up looking at the doctor like she was going to interrogate him.

"he has been coming to me for a couple of months now. He said that he had already told everyone but wanted to keep it as a surprise for bu- what's going on?"

"what do you mean what's going on? We should be asking you that. I know you were about to say bucky. What has he got to do with any of this?"

"fine let's share stories. When Tony and Bucky first met they instantly connected. Next thing you know Bucky helps Tony through his heat. A day later a baby is rapidly growing in his tummy."

"what do you mean rapidly growing?"

"well a mix between Starks extremis and Barnes' super serum this baby Is slightly growing faster than a normal baby. Tony is looking at 3 more months until Tony gives birth rather than 6 months"

Steve feels like his gonna be sick. No one told him anything. If he had known then maybe none of this would have happened.

"Steve are you okay?"

Steve looks worryingly at the doctor before sighing. It's better that everyone heard what happened now then find out in the future.

"over 2 months ago when we had that fight in the airport, that wasn't the only time we fought."

"oh god I remember that. I helped Wanda send cars on top of him. Oh god the stress he went through between us and the acc- wait what do you mean wasn't the only time?"

"zemo showed Tony what really happened to his parents"

"Jesus Steve when we found out I told you to tell him."

"I couldn't do it Nat. I wanted to keep him happy and protected."

"just because you were in love with the man doesn't mean you should lie or keep secrets"

"woah woah woah in love? Parents? What the hell is going on?"

"Tony found out that Bucky killed his parents and that I kept him from him. He didn't take it to well and sent me flying to the ground. Next thing you it's a 2 v 1 all guns blazing. Wait! Doc he took so many punches to the stomach and a shield to tje chest. Not to mention flying in that suit! The baby couldn't have survived that"

"we thought so too. If anyone payed close attention to Tony's stomach then you would have seen a glow on his stomach. The baby healed itself using extremis"

"oh cool kinda like the doc in Doctor who with all that nano energy mumbo jumbo what was is called again?"

"doctor what now?"

"oh my god once Tony has healed and we all have a civilly stern talk with one Anthony stark about how we are going to bundle him up and lock him awa- hold up now. Woah woah woah back the frick frack paddy wack up TONY'S AN OMEGA!?!"

Everyone facepalmed at the sudden realization too busy worrying about Tony and the baby that it suddenly crossed their mimds thanks to the class clown Clint.

"yeah I thought you all knew. I mean Bucky did"

"ahhh soul mates. Never question a bond when it's a soulmates bond. They know everything about each other after meeting for just a split second. I love watching shows and movies based around those types of plots."

"okay so tony is actually an omega and not a beta. The only omega on a team filled with just alphas. I'm guessing he had suppressants. Has a secret thing with Bucky. Has his own secret thing which has cost him his life. Almost lo-"

"Jesus what is with us cutting off our sentences when we realize something. What's the matter?"

"from what pepper has been telling me, Tony has been under alot of stress lately. He hasn't been eating and sleeping well. I'm guessing it was taking a toll on the baby?"

"yes that is correct"

"great then I as the greatest man to ever live the oh so great cl- ow!"

"just get on with it"

"Clint Barton! Has decided we bring back the helper of this mess. I'm sure he can leave or bring his pet goat I don't mind but the thing hates me as an FYI. Ok ok put your hands down I don't need a group slapping session thanks. Anyway, we sit Tony down and we have a group meeting followed by a family bonding time. Let's clear the air, especially between Tony and Bucky because there is going to be alot of tension."

"what do you mean oh wise clint Barton?"

"it doesn't take a genius to figure it out. Dude they must have bonded their first night together completely. Like bite and everything. It must have been hard for Tony with all his omega and baby hormones and then the stress of us and the accords to finding out information he should have known in the first place"

"not to mention the asshole who caused all of this not only fought him and almost killed him but also broke the bond and left him in this mess a couple of months later without so much as a call or letter"

"Bucky when did you get here? How much did you hear?"

"heard all of it Stevie. Got here the moment something happened. Friday called Shuri when I was down in the gym. Stephen was there to help out with a project she was working on so he portaled me right here. How's he doing doc?"

"he's in a stable condition now. How about everyone get settled down, have a bite to eat...."

"how about goat curry? Ow! Would you guys stop it"

"no I think not"

After everyone settles down they leave the medical suite and go watch a movie to calm themselves down.

It's not until the next day when everyone woke up to a shocked voice.

"what are all of you doing in my room?"

Everyone rushes up and hugs Tony giving him a good old group hug.

"okay have I gone through a time machine? Or did I get sent to a different reality? Friday?"

"I'm here boss. No you are still in the same timeline. This is what people call a group hug"

"better watch that sass before I remove it in your next upgrade and replace it with a water pistol"

"that will so much better because I can't sass fire off of you when you experiment"

"my own baby is talking back to me. I am shocked"

"I learned from the best boss"

"damn straight you have now can some one please tell me whats going on he-oomph"

Everyone stares in shock as a teary eyed Clint kisses the life out of Tony and while Tony is in shock Clint bites Tony's bond mark causing the smaller man to Yelp.

"wow I'm the youngest here, completely pregnant and this is how I'm treated"

Tony gets another shock as a growl comes out of Clint's mouth before he is slammed onto the bed. He gets a cry baby sitting on his lap leaving kisses all over his face.

"I'm sorry for leaving you, for going against you, for not listening to you, for demanding to much, for bullying you, for putting huge amounts of stress on you, for beig so angry at you when I was actually angry at the government, for hurting you, for saying nasty shit and for possibly being the worst best friend anyone could ever have. Please please please forgive me. I promise I won't bring harm to you ever again. if you can't trust me now then at least, actually it would be better if you don't trust me now. I just bit your bond mark and kissed you without permission"

"you think you moron?"

"well obviously I wasn't thinking. That's how we became best friends right? Because we don't think? Speaking of thinking"

Clint starts slapping Tony's thighs

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING PUTTING YOU AND YOUR BABY AT RISK YOU STUPID BRATTY PIECE OF SHIT! AS SOON AS WE SAY WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY THEN I AM ORDERING UP LARGE AND FORCE FEEDING YOU FOR THE LAST 3 MONTHS! Who's next!?!"

Natasha ripped a pouting Clint away before she ruffled Tony's hair and kissed his cheek smiling.

"I think Pepper would get angry if I marked you"

"2 fiery red heads filled with love for each other. Can only imagine what a fight between you two would look like"

"even though she is an omega she is a fiery hot headed one. Hmmmm I remember when I thought she was just a beta. Kinda reminds me of someone I know"

"okay I can explain"

"explain later for right now"

Sam comes jumping on Tony and sobs his heart out.

"im so sorry Tony. You know I didn't mean any of it. Neither did vision. It was just a poorly executed mess"

"you do realize I'm not the one you should be saying sorry to for that"

"I know. I apologized to vision and well you know how Rhodey gets"

"hey don't worry Sam. Don't give up. He'll come around. Rhodey has forgiven me and doesn't blame me for it. He at least talked to me. I don't know what's wrong with T'Challa"

"like I said Sam, he'll come around"

"I hope so. Just know that if you really truly forgive me then you would name your baby after me"

"wait how"

"don't worry about it. Any way come on Clint, Nat let's get our of here for this one"

Clint pouts and makes grabby hands for Tony as he gets dragged out by Nat.

Tonys heart stops as he sees one of the people he doesn't want to see. He stands up and his hand goes straight to his chest. Face hardens as he looks directly into the blondes eyes.

"please don't put your walls up. I promise I won't hurt you ever again"

"I don't trust you"

"then I'll take my time to earn your trust back and wait patiently. For now please just hear me out"

"now why would I do that Steve? Did you ever listen to me?"

"ouch okay yeah I deserve that. What I also should have deserved was you actually showing off your strength and kill me in siberia. That's the least I deserve for what I put you through"

"Steve look. What happened back there wasn't just your fault but all of ours. We butted heads instead of talking it out like a family"

"but your parents"

"I am extremely hurt because of that. I wouldn't have been that bad if you had told me in the first place. As you can see I wasn't angry at Bucky. I was angry at Hydra for turning him into their bitch, I was angry because instead of hearing it from someone I care alot about, I hear it from the monitor set up by a damn villain. I was angry because no one listened to me about what I can do if everyone signed. Even team iron Man spoke against me, then again at least they stood by my side"

"okay okay I deserve that too"

"damn right you do. Look I'm not in a place to send or receive forgiveness yet. Hell none of us do but that shouldn't stop any of from working tofuckengether and finding out where on God's green earth is the bloody hulk and Thor because then that airport battle would have been awesome!"

"that's not fair"

"why isn't it fair?"

"because then banner wouldn't want to participate and the hulk would have been on your side while Thor protects his omega from getting hurt thus realizing he will need to be on team iron Man because of the hulk. We would have been outnumbered. Not to mention my ex chose you over me"

"don't regret it"

"but I do"

"why?"

[catacombsaint]

IM STUCK AT THE AIRPORT FOR FOUR HOURS SOOOO here's my summary of my first ghost show THE FUCKING TOUR BUS WAS AT MY HOTEL FIRST OF ALL??? i pulled up to my hotel friday night in the cab and i saw this big black bus and almost shat myself but i was thinking nahhh that's just. someone's RV or something. so i describe the bus to the discord server and everyone is like THATS THEIR FUCKING BUS DUDE and im like NAHHHHHH so yesterday i met up with @dearbaphomet and cute gf. she gives me GIFTS and we head to the venue whatever theres goths everywhere its lit wE FUCKING SEE THE BAND'S BUS AND ITS THE SAME FUCKING BUS THAT WAS PARKED OUTSIDE OUR HOTEL B I T C H WHAT so we're waiting in line and we saw [AETHER] and [AIR] just meandering around up and down the street and nobody but us seemed to recognize them lmfao. [AIR] was with his wife and daughter which was cute and [AETHER] looked like his shiny-headed british ass was gonna die in the 100 degree heat. some ppl in line talked to us also and they were in their 40s and fucking Turnt WE GOT REALLY. FUCKING. CLOSE TO THE STAGE. it was a very small intimate venue and we were right up against the barrier on the fire ghoul side of the stage. there was a kid in front of us with his grandma and they both looked terrified of the opener it was great. the crowd kept screaming every time it sounded like ghost's spooky intro music was over and then kept going lmfao we were being EDGED so it finally fucking starts and bitch......BITCH IM SHAKEN TO THE CORE. MY LIFE IS CHANGED. MY PINEAL GLAND HAS BEEN DECALCIFIED first of all my god ifrit is fit as fuck and his cassock looks really good on him and his eYES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL UNDER THE MASK HOLY FUCK??? I WAS GASPING FOR BREATH OVER HIS ANIME EYES and then papa fucking poofs into existence and have you ever seen a man so beautiful you started crying because i legitimately had tears in my eyes. they did not actually fall but i do not tear up over things i dont get that emotional but oh my god papa is fucki g gorgeous and shOcKINGLY....REAL??? LOOKING? i thought seeing him irl would completely break the immersion but it actually did exactly the opposite. that's a Real Man. a real and beautiful man oh my god like why is this greasy old man so beautiful honestly i was so overcome with Emotions that the show is mostly a blur but i remember making a lot of eye contact with papa and ifrit. papa fucking looked directly at me like 0A0 at one point and i astral projected. his googly eye is so pretty. dewdrop kept fucking doing the head tilt thing and i lost my mind over it THE ABSOLUTE BEST POINT OF THE SHOW THOUGH WAS WHEN DEWFRIT HAPPENED AND THESE FUCKIN BWOIS NUZZLED THEIR MASKS TOGETHER??? I LOST MY SHIT SO HARD THAT I FORGOT WHICH FUCKING SONG THEY WERE EVEN PLAYING AT THE TIME BUT I THINK IT WAS DURING THE YEAR ZERO SOLO. THEY DID THIS LIKE PLAYFIGHT/HEADBUTT/MASK CLONK NUZZLE THING BITCH I FUCKING LEFT MY BODY I AM C H A N G E D chair's solo was rough but you know what he has great stage presence so fuck it. he sits there posed like a genie or, like, an ocarina of time NPC? and like crosses his arms and rolls his head around to the music and strokes his chin its cute. dew kept hangin out with him which was also cute. nünü was also beatin the shit out of those drums he's a good ghoul we should keep him sadly i couldnt really see chops much because he was on the other side but the windmilling and jumping was so real he looked like he was gonna fly away fucking......ifrit though. holy shit. honestly......who the fuck is alpha lmao im sorry but ifrit is the superior fire ghoul he's just so fucking HYPED he goes NUTS??? HIS STAGE PRESENCE IS PHENOMENAL LIKE I HAD TO ACTUALLY FORCE MYSELF TO LOOK AT PAPA BECAUSE IFRIT WAS HAVING SUCH A FUCKING PARTY he does a lot of posing and fistbumping and he's so expressive, it's like watching a cartoon character. and because papa iii is such a memey cartoon character too they compliment each other really really well. the entire current lineup is like that actually: everyone has very unique sort of charisma and a character that they put on, so they play off of papa and each other very well and make it more of a Show. with the old lineups the only ghoul that ever really did that was omega, imo? but he didnt even get into character as much as these current guys do. the ghouls feel like...not human. like they really do give you a vibe like they're some kind of supernatural creature rather than just guys in masks playing music. rather than papa being the central Character and grabbing all the attention, he can bounce off of the other guys and get really playful with them. it feels like papa is showing off his selection of prized show ghouls and he is very proud of them lmao SO ANYWAY ENOUGH OPINIONS(TM) the show ended and we met up with @necessary-glitter who gave us REALLY FUCKING COOL PRESENTS they were like boxes that looked like books with grucifixes on them?? she made them wtf so talented we creeped by the bus and saw [AIR] and then [AETHER] hung out to sign things and stuff and he signed the book box and i told him that she made it and he was all excited over it. he got all excited over baph's art too. and then i, like, didnt want to initiate a hug but he came at me like HUGS YES??? so i was like HUGS YES?????? and it was the firmest most wholesome hug i have ever received. my soul is cleansed. he smelled very nice also like his Scent lingered around after he walked away lmao. he's a very good english egg boy 10/10 would scramble ALSO HE HAS A VERY NICE ASS IM SORRY I NOTICED SO YEAH TL FUCKIN DR IT WAS INCREDIBLE, IM SHOOK, IM SHAKEN, I HAVE DIED AND RISEN, TOBIAS FORGE OWNS MY LIFE FOREVER NOW FUCK

[loveislandgirl17-blog]

Niall Horan Imagine So Much More (bsm)

Niall (16): You and your twin despise each other and Y/T/N always was Niall’s favorite. Even though she was a complete trouble maker, but when she pulls out her little pout face and fake cry you know your going to get blamed for something. “Hey Y/N stop being so fucking useless and just go somewhere nobody wants you here and nobody loves you!” Y/T/N said “Can you just leave me alone?!” You spat back. “Aw come one you little bitch go clean my room and while your at do my homework you nerd.” She laughed in my face walked closer to me and said with a smirk “He doesn’t love you, you know your just a waste of space.” That broke you but you simply said “I don’t need him to love me because I hate the both of you.” You stated so mad you didn’t care anymore so you went to your room, locked the door, grabbed your phone and climb out of the flat threw the fire-escape. You started to run and cry at the same time at first you didn’t know where to go until you went to your best friends house. You knocked on her door “Y/N what are you doing here and why are you crying?!” She said “Y/BF/N I’m running away can I stay the night I promise tomorrow I’ll be gone and with my parents. Please?” “Of course you can stay but if they look for you will have to go out for the rest of the night.” You gave out an innocent smile “They won’t look for me but we can go out.” She frowned at my remark. You and your best friend went to the movies for a bit until you saw Niall and your twin “great they don’t even know I’m gone and they go out some siblings I have” you whispered to your best friend “ come on let’s go somewhere else" she pulled you away from them before they could see you guys and took you to a hair salon. “Y/BF/N what are we doing here?” “We are getting your hair done let’s reinvent Y/N.” we both smiled I decided to get have my dark brown locks into a strawberry blonde and i looked like a different person I loved it! Y/BF/N decided to turn her platinum blonde hair into a dirty blonde. You paid and left to go to the mall to get a new wardrobe thank god you and you best friend both have jobs to pay for this you thought to yourself. After you guys went shopping you decided to get froyo. You saw Niall and your twin so you and Y/BF/N put on sunglasses, but Niall accidentally bumped into you knocking your sunglasses to the floor. “I’m sooo sorry miss I didn’t mean to here let me get those for you.” He said awkwardly no it’s fine you said reaching for you glasses until he saw your face. “Y/N?” Dammit you thought “What are you doing here I thought you went to the library?” He asked confused “What made you think that?” I asked even more confused. “I’ll just go and talk to Y/T/N” your best friend excused her self and left. “That’s what the note on your door said” “I didn’t leave a note” he formed an O with his mouth “What the hell did you do with you hair!” He asked little bit shocked and mad.“I dyed it obviously. Do I need your permission to do anything with MY hair?!” You emphasized the ‘my.’ “ No but I would like to know what my sister looked like so I don’t talk to a total stranger!” He yelled I’ve about had it right now “Oh so now I’m your sister cause I did something you don’t like?!” You screamed back I think I got to him “Wh-what d-do you m-mean now?” He stuttered “I mean I thought you only needed Y/T/N and I was just a waste of space because you couldn’t take her to America with out me so it would be fair to the both of us you and Y/T/N can have all the space because I’m moving back to a home where people notice me and not just Y/T/N! Congratulations Niall I’m out of your stupid life for good this must make you and Y/T/N both happy!” I yelled pulling Y/BF/N to the car and told her to drop me off at Niall’s flat and drive away so they won’t known I’m here. I packed my clothes and stuff I need and took the bus to the airport bought a ticket and waited for my flight. I heard someone call my name as I was about to board the plane it was Niall my face turned scarlet and I left to Ireland.I arrived home with happy faces and hugs I haven’t had a lot of that since I moved in with Niall. It felt good to be somewhere where I’m loved. It’s been a week since I saw Niall and Y/T/N no text no calls wow they must really love me I thought sarcastically. I went out to a music studio my friend’s dad owned and messed around with a few songs like Gives You He’ll, Stone Cold, and much more. I was so lost in singing I didn’t know a producer walked in “Wow kid that was great how old are you?” “16” you smiled “wow with a voice like that you should audition for the X Factor? I’m sure you’ll win kid!” “Really!” “What’s your name kid?” “Y/N Horan” “Wait are you replanted to Niall Horan from One Direction!?” “Yea he’s my brother” you said ~The X Factor Audition~ “Hi what’s your name.” Simon asked “(Y/N)Horan” you said a little nervous you in the X Factor “Oh let’s see what you got (Y/N)” he said “Im going to sing Want You Back by Cher Lloyd” I said you started to sing but than “Wait it seems like you practiced that to much uhh do you have another song you would like to sing?” “Yes” “What is it’s?” “Take a Bow By Rihanna” you sang the song on key you sounded amazing “Wow Miss Horan I’m glad to say that you have 4 yes’s” I jumped for joy at my results and looked at the audience and saw Niall I quickly walked back stage. I was with the other contestants and then I see Niall runnig towards me I’m so mad at him but I’ve missed him so much I didn’t know what to do until I saw that Y/T/N wasn’t with him so out of habit I ran to him and hug him.“I’m sorry” I said crying into his hoddie “You didn’t do anything wrong I was the bad guy and I promise to be a better brother” He said hugging me “Where’s Y/T/N?” “She’s in the audience with the lads” I pulled away “Wait the lads are here?Niall are you stupid there going to get attacked" We both laughed. The next 3 years later I sold out 2 tours going on my 3rd and have 3 albums out and me and my brother are closed the ever.

[intoyour-gravity]

https://thoughtcatalog.com/kyla-lastrella/2017/12/i-am-not-going-to-wait-for-you-in-2018/

This. This post is too accurate with what im currently dealing with. From the start till the end. Ive read it three times and i kept crying over and over because it was so so true.. and I wish I could convey this post to you. Its crazy how accurate this is. And its such a huge sign for me. To let go of you. Because all I do now is to stalk you at social media to know how youre doing but I know i will get hurt in the end. And throughout the entire post while i was reading it, flashbacks of mmrs just crossed my mind. For the last time, I shall reminisce and I will delete it off my mind forever.

I remembered how we met through social media and I was intrigued by the sight of you. I thought you were cool with your photography skills. I remembered we both liked the same genre of music and I glad that you appreciate the songs that I was introducing you. and how we write each other long testimonials and each has lyrics of th songs that we liked. You would even try to continue off it. I remembered the first poem you wrote to me. I wished i kept it with me. I remembered the times I had to let you go because you practically had girls admiring you. I remembered how we both saw each other again by chance in my school and th rest was history. I remembered the times I walk to you with your friend to school on Mondays. And it was a great way to start school. I remembered those late night calls and of course you, standing in the opposite block just to try and look at me while i stood by my window. I remembered sneaking in your house and running out cos your grandma was home and i was so close to getting caught. I remembered the times we both wrote each other lyrics in our testimonials cos we were such teenagers in love. I remembered the times we both worked at breeks and ending the work together was always a bliss. I remembered throwing the huge pile of trash with you and it was so so fun being able to work alongside the ones you love. I remembered admiring you from afar even during work while you were in the kitchen. I remembered serving your family when they came fr dinner. I remembered the times we spent with each other during airport, just listening to songs cos we couldnt afford to waste money.

I remembered how you comforted me when I accidentally cut my finger during design school. I remembered how you gave me your fullest support when i was searching for my internship. Those gig days. First concert with you was Boys Like Girls. Then Mayday Parade, Pierce The Veil, Taking Back Sunday, The Cab, The Used, Paramore, Hands Like Houses. I remembered how we spent each other birthdays and anniversaries. Somehow I will always screw mine up. But yours was beyond what i imagined. Such thoughtful and personalised gifts. And im forever amazed with your talent and creativity. I remembered the time we karaoke-d although I couldnt sing for nuts but you always say i sounded cute. I remembered our movie dates, our carnival dates and of course the first care bear that you won for me at the arcade. I remembered th times you were there for me when i broke down cos I couldn’t finish my essay and i wanted to have a study buddy. I remembered the first piece of good news when i got accepted to NIE and you were so proud and excited for me. I remembered calling you during lunch time in IBM cos i was alone and you were kind enough to listen to me. I remembered us sitting by th bay, and actually seeing a shooting star right in front of our eyes as if we planned to stay silent for a moment. I remembered the bus rides, library cafes eating our fav pasta, trampoline park, uss, and so much more..

[loverapture-blog1]

obviously.

I BECAME DEPRESSED WHEN I WAS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD WAITING FOR THIS ONE GIRL TO LOVE ME BACK FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AND WHILE MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS AND PEERS PRESSURED ME TO IMPROVE MY GRADES SO I COULD GET INTO A STUPID CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I REALLY FUCKING HATE NOW BUT OH WELL. I HARMED MYSELF FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN I WAS 14 AND I REALLY WANTED TO DIE AND I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF MY FRIEND HADN'T FOUND OUT AND TALKED ME OUT OF IT. WE'RE NOT REALLY CLOSE ANYMORE. WE DISAGREE ON A LOT OF THINGS. MY MOM TOLD ME LOTS OF HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT BEING A DISGRACE AND A MISTAKE AND UNLOVABLE AND THAT REALLY HURT MY HEART. MY MOM HASN'T BEEN THE SAME EVER SINCE. SOMETHING REALLY CHANGED INSIDE OF HER AND I MISS HER SO MUCH. FRESHMAN YEAR WAS SO WEIRD CAUSE PEOPLE LIKED ME AND IT WAS PRETTY COOL I HAD A COUPLE GIRLFRIENDS IT WAS ALRIGHT BUT THEN I GOT REALLY REALLY SAD CAUSE THE SECOND GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME SHE JUST WANTED TO USE SOMEONE AND I MEANT NOTHING TO HER AND I WAS JUST AN EASY TARGET BECAUSE I'M YOUNGER THAN HER BUT I MEAN WHATEVER RIGHT? ALSO MY PARENTS SEPARATED. MY DAD WENT TO SOME CLAUSTROPHOBIC APARTMENT THAT FELT LIKE THE THROAT OF AN ANACONDA. I STILL REMEMBER THE SMELL OF IT. THE SIGHT OF NOTHING IN THE PANTRY BUT SOME OLD GATORADE AND TORTILLAS. WORST 9 1/2 MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I HATED IT. I WANTED TO MAKE MY DAD HAPPY AND HANG OUT WITH HIM AND STUFF BUT I WAS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED OH MY GOODNESS I WANTED TO SCREAM ALL THE TIME BUT IT FELT LIKE MY THROAT WAS FILLED WITH COTTON. I DID NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM ON MY LAPTOP. AND MY DAD NEVER COMPLAINED. HE WAS FINE WITH IT. AS LONG AS I WAS IN HIS HOME. MY HEART HURT SO FUCKING HORRIBLY BAD. IT STILL DOES. THE GUILT. I SAW HIM CRY. MANY TIMES. IT HURTS SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. I WAS ALL HE REALLY WANTED THEN AND THERE AND I DECIDED TO DO NOTHING BUT STAY IN MY ROOM. ALL I DID IN THAT ROOM WAS EAT PIZZA, DRINK ARIZONAS, PLAY VIDEOGAMES, JACK OFF, AND CRY, CRY A LOT. THEN AT LIKE ELEVEN AT NIGHT HE WOULD TELL ME "HE'S GONNA HANG OUT WITH HIS OLD DOCTOR FRIEND AT STARBUCKS" YEAH OKAY DAD SURE. I KNEW MY DAD HAD BEEN CHEATING ON MY MOM. I GUESS HE THOUGHT HE COULD JUST LEAVE MY MOM AND THEN GO OFF TO SOME OTHER LADY. BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. THEN MY BEST FRIEND BECAME MY GIRLFRIEND. THEN MY PARENTS GOT BACK TOGETHER. MY GRADES WERE ALRIGHT. I WAS GOING TO THE GYM REGULARLY. EVERYTHING SEEMED OKAY. BUT THEN MY GIRLFRIEND AND I KEPT ARGUING AND SHE KEPT LYING AND I KEPT FALLING FOR IT AND FALLING FOR IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND I JUST KINDA WENT ALONG WITH IT. I CRIED A LOT. SHE MADE EVERYTHING WORSE. I STARTED DOING BAD IN MY CLASSES. EVENTUALLY I BROKE UP WITH HER CAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE THEN WENT AND TOLD A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT I CHEATED ON HER WITH SOME GIRL FROM TEXAS. THE GIRL IS REAL. THE STORY ISN'T. EVENTUALLY I DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL. I BECAME HER MANAGER CAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE A SINGER. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I COULD CONFIDENTLY SAY I WAS IN LOVE. SHE WAS A DREAM. PERFECT. SHE SANG ME SONGS AND WROTE ME POEMS. I WAS SO CRAZY ABOUT HER. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE WAS GONNA VISIT ME DURING SUMMER. THEN I FOUND OUT SHE WAS TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE. THEN SHE KEPT FUCKING WITH MY FEELINGS. I BECAME FRIENDS WITH THE GIRL FROM FRESHMAN YEAR WHO USED ME. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND SHE IGNORED ME BECAUSE "SHE GOT BORED". THEN I LEFT THE GIRL I WAS IN LOVE WITH BECAUSE I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. SHE CONTINUED TO TRY AND TALK TO ME. THEN SHE STARTED SOME FAKE RUMORS ABOUT ME BEING SEXIST AND RACIST. THEN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HATED ME. SHE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. I HOPE SHE IS OK. SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT. THE SONGS OF THAT TIME KEEP REPLAYING IN MY HEAD, EATING AWAY AT THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL LIKE WAVES ERODING A MOUNTAIN. MY CHEST FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA EXPLODE AND YELLOW PAINT IS GONNA SPLASH EVERYWHERE. THE COLOR YELLOW REMINDS ME OF HER. SKATING REMINDS ME OF HER. PLAYING INSTRUMENTS. WRITING. FLOWERS. MUSIC. EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF HER. I TRIED TO MOVE ON. I STILL HAVEN'T COMPLETELY GOTTEN OVER IT. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL. SHE WAS SO CUTE. SHE WAS WONDERFUL IT FELT SO NICE. SHE LIVED IN SACRAMENTO AND WAS SUPPOSED TO COME DOWN AND VISIT ME SOON. THEN I WENT TO EUROPE FOR THREE WEEKS. DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF BEING IN EUROPE THIS NEW GIRL GOT A BOYFRIEND. MY HEART HURT. I MET A REALLY COOL GIRL IN EUROPE. SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES AND WE CLICKED. WE WOULD TRY TO GET ALCOHOL EVERY  NIGHT AND GET SHITFACED. IT WAS SO FUN. ONE TIME IN SWITZERLAND I GOT REALLY DRUNK AND THREW UP AND CHIPPED MY TOOTH TRYING TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE AND MR. BRUNNER SAW ME DRUNK BUT DIDN'T CARE. I LIKED HER AT FIRST BUT THEN WE JUST BECAME FRIENDS. THEN I TOLD HER ABOUT MY MENTAL ILLNESSES. I OPENED UP ABOUT ALL MY DEMONS. THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER TALKED TO HER. SHE LEFT ME AND TOLD ME I'M TOO MUCH OF A RESPONSIBILITY. SHE SAID I'M "TROUBLED". THAT REALLY FUCKING HURT. THAT SAME NIGHT I MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL FROM A GERMAN SCHOOL BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY AFRICAN GIRL THERE. WE SPENT ALL NIGHT HOLDING HANDS AND RUNNING AROUND. IT WAS SO SWEET AND DREAMLIKE. THEN I MET THIS OTHER GIRL TOWARDS THE END OF THE TRIP. WE HUNG OUT TOGETHER ALL THE TIME. SHE HAD JUST GRADUATED FROM THE SHITTY CATHOLIC SCHOOL THAT I GO TO RIGHT NOW. SHE THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SO CUTE. WE GOT DRUNK ON THE BEACH OF ATHENS AND STEPPED ON SEA URCHINS. SHE ADMITTED SHE LIKED ME. SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT MORNING THOUGH. THEN WE WENT ON A CRUISE IN THE GREEK ISLANDS. WE NAPPED TOGETHER A LOT. WE CUDDLED. WE GOT MANICURES TOGETHER AND GOT MATCHING NAIL POLISH. I WAS SO HAPPY. SHE DREW IN MY JOURNAL. ON THE LAST DAY, WE BOUGHT SOME CHEAP WINE AND WAITED UNTIL NIGHT. WE GOT SUPER DRUNK AND THEN WE GOT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. "DON'T KISS ME UNTIL WE'RE SOBER" SHE SAID. I OBLIGED. SHE DIDN'T FOLLOW HER OWN RULES THOUGH. SHE KISSED ME. I KISSED HER BACK. I WAS HER FIRST KISS. WE MADE OUT. WE DID SOME OTHER STUFF. I TOOK HER TO HER ROOM. I SLEPT SMELLING HER SHIRT ALL NIGHT. I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW TYPING THIS. THEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE NEXT DAY TRAVELING BACK. SHIP. BUS. PLANE. THE FIRST PLANE RIDE WAS BEAUTIFUL. WE SAT TOGETHER AND KISSED AND CUDDLED. IT WAS TEN HOURS BUT FELT LIKE ONE. THE NEXT  PLANE WAS SHIT. MY STOMACH HURT AND I DIDN'T SIT WITH HER. THEN MY PARENTS PICKED ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT. I SAID GOODBYE TO HER. THEN AT HOME MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND TOLD ME IM A DISGRACE FOR PAINTING MY NAILS AND THAT I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT THE BARE MINIMUM AND THAT THEY ARE ASHAMED OF ME AND THAT IT INFURIATES THEM THAT I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. I STAYED DATING THAT GIRL. WE HUNG OUT A COUPLE TIMES. SHE EVENTUALLY BECAME VERY MANIPULATIVE AND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I LEFT HER. THEN I WAS SINGLE FOR A BIT. THEN OF COURSE I STARTED DATING SOMEONE ELSE. MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND. I LOVE HER! SHE ISN'T ABUSIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! SHE'S GREAT. SHE IS PERFECT SO FAR. BUT SHE HAS HER OWN TROUBLES AND I FEEL BAD CAUSE I CAN'T HELP HER. REWIND TO A FEW WEEKS AFTER I GOT BACK FROM THE EUROPE TRIP. JUNIOR YEAR STARTED. I WAS FAIRLY CONFIDENT. THEN EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL. REALLY FAST. I STARTED FAILING. I BECAME MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED. I HATED MYSELF AND EVERYONE AROUND ME. I TOLD MY PARENTS I'M DEPRESSED. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM AGAIN. THEY DIDN'T CARE. I TOLD THEM ONE MORE TIME. THE DIDN'T CARE AT ENOUGH. I STARTED SMOKING WEED. A LOT OF IT. CONSTANTLY. I LOVED IT. WEED IS GREAT, BUT IT BECAME A DEPENDENCY. THEN ONE DAY I HAD A BREAKDOWN AT SCHOOL AND I WENT TO MY TEACHER BECAUSE I WOULD'VE KILLED MYSELF IF I DIDN'T. SHE TOLD ME SOME KIND WORDS THEN CALLED MY MOM. MY MOM CAME. WE WENT TO AN OFFICE AND DISCUSSED SOME STUFF ABOUT SCHOOL AND DEPRESSION WITH THIS ONE GUY AND THIS ONE REALLY NICE BUT ANNOYING WHITE LADY. MY DAD CAME. I FELT BETTER. I WENT HOME. THEN MY PARENTS YELLED AT ME AND WE GOT IN A HUGE UGLY ARGUMENT. THEY GOT MAD AT ME FOR SEEKING HELP.

"THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AT SCHOOL! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR."

"BUT DAD, IT'S NOT EASY TELLING YOUR PARENTS THAT YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF."

"YOU EMBARASSED US, YOU HURT OUR FEELINGS."

"DAD I WANNA DIE PLEASE I NEED HELP."

"FUCK YOU! YOU'RE SELFISH AND YOU DON'T LOVE US!"

THE WHITE LADY TOLD MY PARENTS THAT I NEED A PAPER FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST SAYING THAT I WON'T HURT MYSELF OR OTHERS TO BE ABLE TO ATTEND SCHOOL AGAIN. THEN THE NEXT DAY MY PARENTS DID A RANDOM DRUG TEST ON ME. THEN THAT NIGHT THEY CONFRONTED ME ABOUT IT BECAUSE THEY SAW THAT I HAD BEEN CONSUMING WEED. THEY ARE OLD AND UNEDUCATED ON IT SO THEY THINK IT'S LIKE METH. THAT MADE THE WHOLE THING VERY DIFFICULT. THEN I BROKE DOWN AGAIN. I STARTED TELLING THEM HOW BAD I WANTED TO DIE. THEN MY DAD HELD ME AND TOLD ME HE LOVED ME. A VOICE IN MY HEAD TOLD ME NOT TO BELIEVE HIM. I COMPLIED. THE NEXT DAY MY SISTERS CAME TO THE HOUSE. THEY ALL TALKED TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL IF I WASN'T READY. THEY KEPT DEMONIZING MEDICATION TO SCARE ME BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO GIVE ME THE MEDICATION I SO DESPERATELY HAVE BEEN NEEDING FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. THEY KEPT ME PRISONER AT HOME. THEY FORCED ME TO JOIN A BOXING CLUB. THEY TOOK AWAY MY PRIVILEDGES. THEN THE SCHOOL CALLED AND SAID I HAD TO GO BACK. I GOT A NOTE. THEY DECLINED IT. I GOT ANOTHER NOTE. THEY DECLINED THAT ONE TOO. THEN I GOT ANOTHER ONE AND I'M BACK IN SCHOOL. I HATE IT. I'M SWITCHING SCHOOLS NEXT SEMESTER. BUT I NEED TO TRY AND RAISE MY GRADES FOR NOW. I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL. BUT I AM SAD. VERY SAD. STILL DEPRESSED (OBVIOUSLY).

[strangerfwendz]

16 May

i think i fell asleep talking to brad again. i dont even know anymore fahhhhh.

i woke up on the couch again and went back to sleep again in bed. didnt research on the info i needed for my asian studies presentation. so incredibly tired today idk why. but i woke up pretty early. i have been waking up pretty early before my alarm lately. i have an alarm for 6.45am but i have been waking up at around 5.30am even though i have been falling sleep at about 12.30am. i got dressed and wore the new tailor made suit pants i got from school, it was high waisted, interesting. high waisted pants look good for apple bottom butts. noice. i wore my green hoodie over my dress shirt from banana republic, love that shirt. but i later realized that a bunch of green lint stuck on it from my hoodie.

Business Math class was a little confusing at first with net revenue and gross revenue. tried joining natalia, anna, anastasia for lunch but we split for the big tables with the rest of our class. i overheard anastasia talking about some boy cheating on her. when i got back to class she was tearing up for a little bit. he friends could tell she was upset though not all knew what was up. but the came by her side to give her a hug and a kiss before class started. it was very nice to see that she had such supportive friends, boys and girls. a little envious, they are a fun group. i couldnt focus for rooms division class, we were learning accounting terms and procedures. i wasnt following and fell asleep for most of the first period.

Asian studies class was cancelled so i went to the interview room. kinda me chill spot these days. a nice small room with three desks (a lot of table space), electric socket next to me, air conditioner. all with the washroom and water dispenser just a few steps outside the room. 

i tried searching up on info for the rooms division project but i was falling asleep. i wanted to go to the SNU race track before yoga club but i ended up sleeping at the table. no one was at yoga club but the room was open so i just layed out a mat and slept until dinner. Fitness club was at 6.30pm and i had got to dinner at 5.50pm so i just sat by myself for a quick dinner. natalia ended up joining me tho but it was one of those pity things. she said she saw me eating alone so she came to give me company, “no one wants to eat alone” she says. even if its true for many, i believe one still needs to learn to be by themselves aw well. not long after, tomas joined in too cause he arrived to dinner late. we had a GREAT conversation though. we talked about meditation, the 21 days challenge im doing, the music concert in beijing they are going to. Damn, i was really interested in going with them. I send tomas a text asking if i could join. it was comforting warm feeling to hear tomas tell me “ oh i just read your text today and of course you are welcomed to join us”. 

unfortunately, it is this weekend! its probably for the better. Tomas said the whole trip is costing them 4000RMB each. i dont know who exactly is going but even if that includes accomodation, VIP tickets, train tickets. it doesnt cover food and transport and 4000RMB is already quite a bit for me. i dont think i would have even gone without this trip back home. especially since they bought their tickets as a package two weeks ago, who knows if there are any more tickets. would have been hella dope tho. fuuukkk. i didnt go to any cool concert and rock out here in china yet! nooooo.

Entering the fitness club, my eyes were greeted by a shirtless Sean. Wow them chest muscles. Vik was talking to his classmate julie, a korean that could speak russian fluently cause she was born there?? (or lived there) she seemed nice. she was in a suit though cause she was six and couldnt attend the club. Sean was there doing his own things around the school gym, he was just a supporter for Vik. Vik did a great intro, he really knows his stuff. I really like his tone of voice and the way he spoke to us. He taught us a HIT circuit for a rigorous cardio workout. it was a round of high knees, sumo squats, burpees, mountain climbers. Sean came around every once in a while to give encouragement and supervision. Vik was very greatful that jordane and i came cause if not, no one else would have come. 

Brad messaged me when i returned to the interview room. i told him i had just finished with fitness club, he didnt sound happy. we have another long conversation with me crying once again. brad was able to tell now and its better this way so he knows im not always that cold. he was just expressing his feelings. he felt underappreciated and ignored. i havent been paying much attention to him, in fact possibly pushing him away. I missed the last school bus back to Palm Beach(residence) and left at about 9.30pm when security kicked me out again. i didnt manage to get any work done but at least brad was happy again. i bought some grilled squid on the way home, yum twas good but also terrible for my diet. i was talking to Jason, the black taxi driver, when brad called me again. i just rejected the call cause i was busy discussing plans with him. i need him to drive me downtown to the spanish consulate and then the airport on thursday after school. I made sure to call him back right away, once i arrived home but he wasnt happy about it. “how dare you reject my calls” he said jokingly. 

Bradley called again after i went for a light jog. by then i was on the couch looking for the address of the spanish consulate. Jason said if i want to get there by 9am, then we’re gonna have to leave at 7am. none of the staff i asked responded and i couldnt find the right place. i’m just gonna have to wait for them to respond tomorrow, its fine if i dont get there by 9am anyways cause it closes at 12.30pm, no problem. then i fell asleep on the couch again, of course. i woke up not too long after but i was too tired to deal with it.