#obsessively weighing ourself and shit

[wellthatschaotic]

oh

[muchkinspew-blog]

Body Positivity

As someone who had been overweight for the most of my teen years and just had my turning point this year’s January, where I started intermittent fasting and exercising regularly, body positivity is so hard for me to believe. To accept with the weight and the physical features that I have now. I’ve lost almost 13 kilograms in a span of 6 months with my starting weight at 68 kgs, believing that if i shed fat, I would be happy.

My physical is different ! Totally after I lost weight. People commented on how slim my legs are right now, complimented i’ve become prettier and truthfully i am happy and grateful. But right now, after performing salah to Allah, after feeling this kind of feeling of hollow and emptiness in the outside, i’ve came to realize that i do this all for the sake of people. I want to impress people. I just don’t know why. Then I started to extreme dieting, Ive become extremely careful on what I ate. I tried my best calorie count all of my food intake and now, Im trying to eat one meal a day, why? To lose weight. I’ve become so obsess with the idea that I thought of nothing but that. Deep inside me i know that is not healthy but this conscious mind of mine can’t help it.

I weigh myself everyday, everytime i feel worthless. I would judge my worthiness based on my scale. I would punish myself into eating an extremely small portion to last for a day because I know that Im going to lose more weight. It makes me feel better about myself, why shouldn’t i continue doing it?

Right now, its not that i want to turn back time, become fat all over again. No. Its just that i regret how i view my body. I don’t love myself anymore. I would pat my belly and called myself a fat bitch. I would unconsciously pinch all of my fat regions. I idolizes those who are extremely skinny. I don’t think i am worthy and that i think is an extreme major problem. People shouldn’t act like that. We should love ourself. We can only depend and believe on ourself so it is our job to make our body feel loved. But it is easier said than done.

Its just that, if you want to change yourself, do it for you. This kind of mentality of wanting to please prople ALL THE DAMN TIME lasts damage onto your mental health, onto the way how you view yourself. Im still struggling with this and i don’t know how to get away from this shit hell hole pun. So, if you somehow feel the way i am right now, keep on surviving. Dont do crazy shit. Know that people will never understand you the way you understand yourself so don’t expect them to. Just rely on your iman, make prayers to God because nothing can really help right now.

Its so crazy how I wasn’t like this just 6 months ago but now i am soo broken, my body, my mind, my heart and all is left is this iman that you know that Allah will always be there for you and he knows that you are worth it. Thats why you still live.