#obv I try to write abt the topics I do with care/a narrative purpose. idk just like.
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help girl (gender neutral) there’s a jansenist monk in my brain being mean to me
#not whump#personal#beans speaks#which is to say I’m fighting the moral ocd allegations and. well. not losing but I’d rather be winning.#obv I try to write abt the topics I do with care/a narrative purpose. idk just like.#the hyper vigilance of ‘am I writing torture apologia? am I writing about real world horrors for entertainment purposes?’ is getting to me#which don’t get me wrong I want to reflect on my writing I want to check myself if my post 9/11 right wing upbringing is showing.#I’ve been working on unlearning a lot of shit for a while and I’m happy to keep doing so.#just that sometimes I stress myself out to the point where (and I know it’s a cop out and not viable) I just want someone to tell me#if and where I fuck up instead of constantly screening everything I write for anything Problematic™#which like I said. not viable and I need to keep learning to keep unlearning everything I grew up in. but still.#sometimes I’m tired and scared of myself and don’t want to make anything that hurts anyone#and it’s easier to make nothing than to make something that I need to go over with a fine toothed comb#which again - that’s a cop out and I gotta keep making stuff. just. idk. having debates in my head abt how I depict things w critics that#don’t currently exist and maybe never will so I know it’s just a Bad Brain kinda day.#edit: lmao I figured out what triggered me I am literally just in an emotional flashback struggle trauma is so fucking stupid yall
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