#sometimes I’m tired and scared of myself and don’t want to make anything that hurts anyone

[whumpacabra]

help girl (gender neutral) there’s a jansenist monk in my brain being mean to me

[personwhowrites]

Task Force 141 plus Alejandro reaction if you’re sick.

Sadly, I have gotten the virus after being out of my country. Funny how I’m the only one that got it out my whole family, I have been vacationed but still got it. I felt like I myself needed some comfort so this came up to my mind. Sorry if it’s dry, I passed out in the middle of writing and couldn’t bring myself to write more so this is my half finish thing.

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John “Captain” Price

This man is scared of getting sick himself. He will be in the between of helping you or just staying away from you.

If ge does stay away from you, this man will stay away. Need to use the bathroom? This man will literally run everything with bleach once your out.

He will spray the whole damn base with those Air sprays that claim they will help kill the germs.

He does somewhat help you, he puts food out by your door every few minutes for you. He does make sure to get everything you need.

He does become weak when you whine about wanting a hug. He will will hug you, but don’t be surprise when he appears with twelve medical masks on his face when he does hug you.

He literally won’t let any of the members see you, his scared of you getting them sick.

He checks up on you regularly when your asleep or knocked out by the medicine he bought you.

When he sees your doing better this man will come to your room. Grab all the tissues, paper and bags of your sickness and burn it outside.

He does sometimes stays in your room while you complain about being sick. It hurts him to see you all sick and tired.

He knows it’s a risk to be in your room for so long, yet he stays then sprays himself with the spray.

If he does decide to stay with you, this man will be on his knees for you.

He will get you whatever need, Hugs, cuddles and kisses. He treats you like baby not wanting you to get up unless is for the bathroom or to shower.

When you do shower he will be right in there in the bathroom making sure you can handle yourself.

In a relationship with him or not, he won’t leave your side at any point. Will waste his whole day taking care of you.

He lets you wear his shirts for more comfortable feeling when his gone. He loves to see you sleeping in his shirts. It does something to him that he doesn’t understand.

He makes sure your comfortable at all times. Even if it means getting sick himself.

He will also keep you all to himself, won’t let the others help take care of you. He will slam the door in their face and go back to you.

He lets you wear his shirts for mo

“Price… no! Your gonna get sick because of me.” You groan as he cuddles you close. “I don’t want you sick..”

“If it means getting sick.. to take care of you it’s worth it.” Price says kissing your forehead. “Now rest up, I won’t leave you..”

Kyle “Gaz”Garrick

This man will be scared when you get sick. If you say your dying he will actually believe it and cry about it.

He will stick to you like glue, literally..he won’t leave you alone for second. If you do mange to escape him into the bathroom he will wait outside.

He does wear a medical mask around you for safety measures and because Price told him to.

He will cook you anything you wish and sneak out the base to get you whatever you want. He risks his damn career for you.

When your sleeping he will sit next to your bed and remain there. Will ignore the others when they tell him to leave you alone to rest.

Talking about the others, this man will also push them away. Not wanting them to take you a way from you. He locks the door when you don’t notice so the others don’t come in.

He will listen to you talk about the most random things, even comment stuff himself.

He will have a bunch of movies at hand for you and him to watch. He loves holding you close as you watch the movies and laugh.

If someone for example Soap brings you food he will say he bought it for you. Jealous feeds into him, he wants you to himself.

When you need to shower he will get in with you. Sometimes with clothes or without clothes. He will clean you up and wrap you in the towel like a baby. He even goes as far to dress you and carry you back to the room.

He gets super jealous if call someone else to help you with something. He starts locking the door for that reason.

He begs you to wear his shirts, so he can feel more possessive over you. He knows it’s wrong, but he loves the feeling of owning you at times.

If in a relationship or not, this man will be on his knees for you. Caring for you as if you were a goddess, kiss you no matter how sick you are.

“Gaz st—“ you says before he plants another sloppy kiss on your lips. “Your gonna get sick!”

“This might sound weird but.. I don’t care, now come here!” Gaz says with a smile before suffocating you with his hug. “Your mine y/n.”

John “Soap” MacTavish

Sick? That word isn’t in his book. This man will kiss, hug and cuddle you. No matter how sick you are, it doesn’t exist to him.

He will buy anything you talk about. He doesn’t care how much it is, only for it makes you feel better.

Like Gaz he will want to keep you to himself. He is a person that starves for your physical touch. He will let the others come in and see you, but not for to long.

When your hungry he will try his best to cook you food. Sometimes burning it, but hey it’s the thought that counts.

He does order food for you and him a lot. He try’s his best to give you all you could want while your sick. He does have to ask price to get some medicine since he doesn’t want to leave your side.

Germs doesn’t exist to this man. You sneeze? He will kiss you right after you clean your nose.

He will praise you for the smallest thing you do, even if it’s just turning to face him.

He loves holding your hand at all times, making sure you can feel comfortable with it first. He will kiss it too when your distracted looking at something on the Tv.

When you need to shower, he will do that for you. Washes your hair the most gentle way and scrubs your body the best way he can without causing harm for you. Making sure the water is warm at all times.

After the shower he will make you wear his shirts and poke at you since it’s slightly big on you.

In a relationship or not he will still hug you tightly and make sure your treated well. He doesn’t like seeing you sick ether, it pains him.

He lays down in bed with you when your ready to sleep. He won’t move an inch while you hold him tightly in your sleep. He will ignore all his needs and only pay attention to you.

He gives you massages and lets you talk about anything, like anything that comes up to your mind he will have a whole conversation until you fall asleep.

He feeds you, like baby feeds you. He doesn’t want you to lift a finger for anything unless it’s needed, like really needed.

He does clean the room when your sleeping without a need to hold you. He will make sure someone else watches you while he goes outside quickly to burn the bags of tissues away.

“..Soap?” You mumble hugging his arm. “Aren’t you worried you will get sick?”

“Sick? Please that word exist to me.” Soap responds looking at you and kisses your forehead. “Now get some rest, you need it for being so strong today.”

Simon “Ghost” Riley

This man is somewhat like price. He will try to avoid your touch when your sick. Mostly like a regular for him, but if he sees your getting worse he will react.

He will stand by your door and watch you sleep. Like a stalker vibe watch. Price will have to move him away at times to let you rest.

He isn’t one to get physical with you, yet he grabs your hands at times when your crying about being sick.

He doesn’t like you being sick, it makes him feel scared. (Shocking!) He try’s his best to confront you.

He brings you some food at times and watches you eat so he is sure you are getting the energy you need.

His silent when his in the room with you, he just sits then and watches you. Like a hawk, he only makes himself known when your about to get up for something.

When you need to shower he will stand outside the bathroom door. The others will try to ask him why, but he will remain silent until they realize the water is running in the bathroom.

When your sleeping he will lay next you and play with your hair, it’s the only chance he gets to be near you. One where you won’t ask questions about it and there is silence.

He loves it when you just ask him to stay when he gets up from the chair across the room.

Confesses his love for you while you sleep. It’s the only way he can get himself to tell you, he does it pretty much every time you sleep.

When he sees your gone form your room when he went out with Price to get medicine he will panic. Like badly panic and search the whole damn base for you only to realize you fell asleep in the bathroom.

He cleans after you, making sure the germs don’t stay in your room to long.

Now if you were in a relationship with this man. He won’t leave you alone like Gaz. He will protect you with his life.

He does lock the door when your asleep so no one enters and bothers you. Soap once came in the middle of you sleeping and screamed thinking it was funny. It wasn’t for ghost who immediately ran after him.

He holds you tightly and makes sure you sleep in one of his hoodies. So when his out on something you won’t feel alone.

He loves holding you close and will admit to you, knowing you will forget the next day about it.

Praises you like Soap, but way more. Blink? He will praise you for it, sometimes you tease him about it.

“Night Ghost.” You say laying down and immediately falling asleep.

“Mhm..” Ghost hums before waiting a couple minutes. “..I love you..”

Alejandro Vargas

This man will be taking care of you like a queen. Some similarities to Soap. He will make sure nothing bothers you.

He will cook you dozen of meals you wish for. Rodolfo softly jealous because of it.

He will make sure your comfortable, happy and good with everything around you.

Gives you a rose with every meal, morning or any activity you do with him.

He does take good care of you, giving you all the attention you could ever need from a man. He does go overboard at times without knowing it.

Like soap, he will give you a bath, but way more over the top. Putting roses, candles and romantic music in the background.

He does make you do activities all the time. He doesn’t want you laying down for to long, he thinks that’s how sick people get worse.

His does get scared when your sick, he has a bad pass with people in his life dying to sickness. (Cannon in my au)

He fears that you will be gone from him. Making him always be there for you, even ignore work for some time. Rodolfo does drag him back to work though.

In or not in a relationship with him he will still take care of you. Making sure your alright since your Wally important to him in his life. He does worry sometimes that you will be gone too long form work and comes to check on you.

Like the others he will burn the bag of germs away. He doesn’t want anyone else in his team getting sick. Pains him to see sick people at times knowing he can’t help sometimes.

He has someone watching you when his away.

He always makes sure to leave you some sort of gift around the house. So you have the energy to get up and do something.

“Mi Amor! Come on get up.” Alejandro says tugging your arm. “I don’t want you laying down to much.”

“I don’t wanna…I’m tired.”. you mumble softly only to hear a small cry form him. “Never mind! Let’s do this!”

[buckyownsmylife]

about a girl - chris evans angst

The one where Chris breaks your heart

Warnings: angst

A/N: yes, I did finally write an angsty piece. No, this was not provoked by whatever rumors have been circling around this man's life, as it has been written since last year or something of the sorts. Just enjoy it and don't forget to let me know if you liked it by reblogging it!

Y/N’s P.O.V.

Everything was going well until it all went to shit. That’s the way my life seems to go.

The evening started like it always does: I walked into the party and Chris was already there, chatting up another girl who I had never seen before.

I didn’t feel attacked or intimidated. We’d danced this way before - countless times, in fact. It’d become some sort of routine now. The one who got there first would find some unsuspecting victim to chat up while we waited for the other to arrive.

I’d seen that movie a hundred times before. He never pounced, only played with the food until it got tired and old. That’s when he’d turn around and find me, and together we’d escape to a room or a bathroom - whatever was nearest.

Anywhere felt fine when I had his dick inside of me.

I’d been looking forward to this night for ages. Even primped myself for it. I was wearing my skimpiest dress, and nothing but a thong for Chris to undress tonight. So I didn’t even mind when he didn’t connect his eyes with mine once I walked through the door.

It was all a part of the game, I told myself. He liked the chase, and so did I.

“Why are you looking so gloom?” Brie scared me with the question. I had been staring at my beer for the last twenty minutes, waiting for Chris to make his move. I didn’t question it - he might have gotten lost in conversation. It happened quite often, depending on how much liquor was in his veins by the time I arrived. So I wasn’t even anxious, just a bit antsy. The underwear was riding up my butt and I just wanted to be without it.

I kept playing with the idea of interrupting their conversation to slip my panties into his pocket, but I decided against it. I wasn’t that adventurous. All of my energy in these gatherings was channeled into wild sex in “exotic” places. There wasn’t much of it left by now, as unfortunate as it was.

“I just…” I didn’t even know what to tell Brie. “I don’t know. Might be having a night off, that’s all.” She shouldn’t be worrying about me when the real reason why I was looking so out-of-place still hadn’t even glanced my way.

Another quick look and what I saw had my heart falling down to my stomach. Chris and the girl were full-on making out. He had her against the wall, one hand on her ass and the other buried in her hair, and I didn’t know what to say when my friend followed my line of sight and noticed what had gotten me so sad.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” I didn’t need her words of compassion. It only had the mortification from this entire ordeal setting even heavier on my chest. 

I knew Chris didn’t owe me anything; we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, we weren’t together together. But every one of our friends knew about our customary hook ups. They were used to looking for us and finding us together, sometimes in compromising positions, so for him to just kiss someone else like it was no big deal felt beyond humiliating to me.

I wanted to go home, then and there. But I also didn’t want my friends to realize how hurt I was about it, so I knew I’d have to stay. I’d stay there and endure the humiliation, even when - through giggles and groans - the two of them found their way into a bedroom together, while I was left alone in the corner of a party I only went to in the hopes of spending time with Christopher.

It was hours before I saw him again, and even then, he didn’t see me - too focused on the conversation he was having with a common friend. I tried to be quiet as I approached them, I actually only wanted to grab myself another beer and they were the ones standing in the kitchen, but since he had his back to me, he didn’t notice my arrival.

I, however, couldn’t not overhear his words.

“So what? We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend anyway. Believe me, I would never date Y/N…” And that’s when he noticed me, standing there with a frown on my face.

I didn’t know how to react. I wasn’t going to lash out. I knew I wasn’t his girlfriend, but to be considered someone who could never earn the title hurt more than I cared to admit.

I didn’t know what to do. So I just left.

“Y/N…” He ran after me, for what reason I couldn’t understand. It’s not like he cared about me, not after what he did tonight.

“No, go away!” I yelled, my voice betraying just how hurt I was by his behavior. I hated it, hated that I couldn’t hide my feelings from the person who was the cause of them.

“Go and jerk off or something. Or find someone else who will fall to her knees and suck you whenever you want it. It obviously won’t be too hard.”

“You won’t at least hear me out?” That had me stopping in my tracks, ire making my heart beat so loud I could hear it ringing in my ears.

“Are you dumb?” I had to ask. “What could you possibly say to justify what happened in there?” That caught him by surprise. He fidgeted in his spot but didn’t open his mouth to say anything, and so I figured we were done for the night.

But just as I was about to leave… “We never talked about anything serious!” As if that was my problem with what had happened in there.

“And believe me, that’s on me.” I shook my head vehemently, crossing my arms in front of my body to show him that I meant business. “But it ends here and now. I can’t keep feeling this way every time we’re in a party together.”

Chris looked like he was struggling with something, but I wasn’t interested in letting him work through it at that time. “I know you could never love me.” Well, I knew that, now. “Not if you behave like that. Not if your only goal in life is to get more women into bed with you.”

He didn’t say anything and that’s when I decided it was time for me to leave. But I probably shouldn’t have mistaken his silence as a sign of his peace of mind, because the second that I turned my back to him, I heard his voice - barely over a whisper: “Maybe I just don’t know how to express my feelings.”

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Inspired by that previous snippet of yours, write one where in the bathroom Villian is taking care of their hero's numerous hickies they gave them all over their body? Post frickling frackling?

The villain’s fingers slid down the hero’s exposed back and even though the hero was a little more than just tired, their body flinched.

“Easy,” the villain murmured and the hero could see their eyes piercing into their back in the mirror. Subconsciously, the hero’s gaze fixed on the villain’s, observing with the same intensity the villain used to observe their back. Once they actually looked at each other through the reflection, the hero was quite flustered. “Sleepy?”

“Yeah,” the hero answered. The hero didn’t know where the villain got their stamina from but it was impressive to say the least. Most of the time, the hero fell asleep immediately but the villain could last several rounds and go after their day five minutes later.

Their fingers travelled down the hero’s back again.

“I overdid it.”

“I like it,” the hero said. “It’s like putting paint on a canvas.”

“You’re a masterpiece without my artistic efforts.” They kissed the hero’s shoulder very softly. “You don’t need me for that.”

The villain put their flat hand on the hero’s shoulder, trying to cover as much space full of hickeys. The hero felt the familiar warmth as the villain attempted to get rid of the blood beneath their skin with their powers.

As always, the villain traced the long, deep scar on the hero’s back. Sometimes it was distracting, especially when the villain was under them and the hero tried to concentrate. But the hero guessed it was their subconscious telling them to obey.

“You know that happened years ago, right?” Their shoulder got hot and the hero knew that was the only comfortable pain they had ever experienced.

“Hm?”

The hero reached the scar and let their fingers go over it.

“Oh, yeah…” The villain let go of their shoulder and found a new place to heal. “You were still so young.”

“You were young, too, you know. I forgave you.” The villain looked at the hero’s reflection and despite their attempted smile, they seemed to feel guilty.

It had been painful. To get stabbed in the back felt horrible but being betrayed? God, the hero hadn’t been able to leave their house for months. They hadn’t eaten, had barely slept…all of it had pulled them into a depression that sucked on them like a parasite. Forgiveness had taken its sweet time.

“You made a mistake. People make mistakes. Especially at seventeen,” the hero said. They wanted to take the villain’s hand but they knew they couldn’t reach it.

“We didn’t talk for years. We lost too much time,” the villain said. “I feel like all I can do is apologise over and over again but it doesn’t change anything.”

“Hey…” The hero turned around and hooked one finger into the villain’s pants to pull them closer. “We needed that time for ourselves. We didn’t lose anything.”

The villain didn’t seem to be satisfied with that answer.

“I hate hurting you,” the villain said. “I hate that I can’t heal that scar. I hate that…I hate what I did to you.”

“I’m not something broken you have to fix, darling,” the hero said. They smiled and cupped the villain’s face gently.

“I know…but I carved myself into you. I forced this onto you and it’s a reminder for both of us what kind of monster I used to be.”

“You have changed, though. And I forgive that kid who followed orders blindly because they were scared.” The hero stood up on their tiptoes, now the same height as the villain. “And there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.”

They grabbed the villain’s jaw and kissed them very gently. Although they knew the villain needed more time, the hero would repeat these words for centuries if it meant that their partner would finally accept this.

[itsmebytch001]

What would be Aaron’s reaction to reader just climbing up on his bed and cuddling him and telling him ‘I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you’ like I need a genuine sweet moment from these two 😭

Or like baby reader asking Aaron or Rio why her mommy doesn’t love her the way mothers love their daughters

Aaron was a light sleeper, he when he heard your door from across the hall creek open he knew it was either to get a glass of water, or to pace back and fourth as you sometimes did to sooth yourself from aching thoughts, like Diana would, but instead of the sound of the tap pouring or the sound of small feet pattering across the floor your feet grew ever closer to his door. He heard the small push and heard the creek of his door open and though he was not facing you could sense you were looming in the doorway, waiting for something.

After several moments right before Aaron was going to flip over to face you he felt the weight of the bed shift as you sat on the end and shuffled yourself under the blankets with him.

Y/n: "Pa...Are you awake?" You whispered.

Aaron: "Y/n...Why are you up so late? Take your self back to bed"

Y/n: "Can I sleep with you tonight?" He heard you sniffle and shifted himself to face you, the room was dark but he would see the shadows framing your distressed face wet with tears.

Aaron: "What's got you upset? You have a nightmare?"

Y/n: "No...I was just worried"

Aaron: "About?"

Y/n: "You said last night that...It was me who made Diana the way she is...dose that mean you'll be like her?"

Oh...Oh no He thought, he knew kids were just sponges but he had hopped he could just brush that comment under the rug and you would forget.

Aaron: "Oh no baby no, I was was just mad...But it's not your fault, listen your Mom had problems when we met, long before you and I should never had said that, and I will never be like Diana I love you"

...

...

Y/n: "Dose Diana love me?"

Aaron really didn't know at this point, she cared enough to pick you up weekends but not enough to engage with you, but only expose you to her darker sides. But he wasn’t about to tell you no, what kind of parent would he be if he did?

Aaron: “Yeah baby, I think she loves you but you know your moms got problems she’s not doing to great right now but she’ll get better”

…

Y/n: “I’m sorry”

Aaron: “about?”

Y/n: “ about hitting myself and making you look bad to the school”

Aaron: “I don’t care really what the school thinks of me I just get scared-“

Y/n: “that I’ll end up like her?”

Aaron: “Yeah…also you know how CPS can be”

Y/n: “ are you getting tired of me?”

Aaron: “never baby, I love you, okay? No matter what Diana or Phil tells you, I and Tita Rio and Uncle Jeff and Miles, we love love you so much”

Aaron can feel you tense again this chest as your curl up into a ball, sometimes you would respond negativity to being told you were loved and push it away, he worried this would be one of these times where it set you off to hurt yourself so he instinctively pressed you closer to his chest.

Aaron: “shhh shhh it’s okay baby, I got you”

Y/n: “ no no I’m fine”

Aaron: “ You not gonna do anything stupid?”

Y/n: “No im good”

Aaron: “okay then” he loosened his grip on your back only for you to tighten his grip on his shirt.

Y/n: “ can we stay like this please?”

Aaron: “ sure” he muttered as he wrapped his arms around you and kissed the top of your head lightly already drifting off to sleep with his child in his arms he allowed himself to slip into slumber where he knew that no matter what, happened between him and Jeff, or You and Diana he always, always had you his baby.

Request are wanted, hope ya like!

[cherryobx]

𝐁𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 || 𝐑.𝐂.

requested?: hell ye

summary: Rafe steps in when you're fighting with your dad and takes you back to his place to comfort you.

warnings: abusive parent, language, hurt/comfort trope, showering together (it's PG, guys)

wc: 1.5k

a/n: Rafe has his own place. Listened to the song "go to war" by nothing more and i think it fits this fic pretty well.

gif's not mine, creds to the original owner!

Rafe hated when you were at home. Your dad was a bad person. And that was lightly said. He knew from his own experience that parents sometimes weren’t really good at, you know, parenting. He called you every night to make sure you were okay and if you wanted to sleep over at his place.

So a few nights a week you stayed with Rafe. It was good to sleep while actually feeling safe and loved. You felt all warm and protected when your boyfriend's arms were around you, keeping you as close to him as possible. You were tired of staying up all night, too scared to go to sleep because you never knew how drunk your dad actually was and what he was up to. It was terrifying  that the person who was supposed to love you the most hurt you instead.

When you were lucky, he was so drunk by the time you got home that he was passed out on the couch in front of the TV. But other times he wasn’t. And that’s when you had to deal with yelling, breaking dishes and furniture and on particularly bad nights even violence.

One night, when you hadn’t shown up at Rafe’s place on time, he got worried. He called you but you didn’t pick up. So he hopped in the car and drove over to your house. He was chewing on his lips, worry getting the best of him.

As soon as he pulled up to the house he noticed that the front door was wide open due to which he heard the yelling all over to his car. 

Leaving the car running he ran up to the house, walked right in and followed the noise to the living room. Your dad was in the middle of the room while you were backed up into a corner, a chair in your hands raised as a defence against him. Your nose was bloody and it looked like there was a bruise forming on your cheek.

There was broken glass all over the carpeted floor, probably from beer bottles tossed around before he arrived.

“Get the fuck back! Don’t come closer!” you yelled at your dad, voice breaking.

“I can do what ever the fuck I want, I’m your dad.” He attempted to approach you but Rafe intervened, making himself known in the room. He stood between you and your dad, shielding you from his sight.

“Y/N, get in the car,” he said without breaking eye contact with your father who looked like he was about to explode from anger. 

You quickly ran towards the door and Rafe’s car in front of the house.

“No, Y/N, get the fuck back here!”

Rafe swiftly grabbed your father’s throat, pushing him roughly against the wall. “You shut the fuck up before I tear your fucking throat out so you can’t say anything ever again.”

You sat in the passenger seat anxiously, leg bouncing as you couldn’t contain your nerves. You were too high on adrenaline, survival mode switched on,  to even register what had just happened. One moment you were sitting on your bed reading a book and the other you were being dragged out of your room. You smelled the alcohol even before he grabbed you harshly, probably leaving behind a bruise in the shape of a hand.

Your dad had never hit you in the face before. It was always places you could cover up and hide. But that night was different for some reason. But you weren’t sure why. 

Soon Rafe stormed out of your house and entered the car, immediately backing out of your driveway and speeding away. He looked like he had taken a beating as well. 

“You’re hurt.”

“Doesn’t matter.” His both hands were on the wheel, knuckles white from the anger.

“Of course it does. You got hurt because of me. Because I couldn’t protect myself.”

The car came to a halt. 

“Let’s get one thing straight, I’m not bleeding right now because of you, even though I would gladly bleed out for you. I’m hurt because your dad’s an asshole who can't keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself. And you’re able to protect yourself, I know you are. But he needed his ass beat for once and I would happily do it again anytime. You did nothing wrong. You got that?”

You nodded, a sob stuck in your throat that you didn’t want to let out. You weren’t weak, you could keep it together.

“Good.” He started driving again.

You turned your head to the other side, looking out of the car window and seeing the scenery you passed, white picket fence houses with happy families living inside. 

You saw your own reflection in the window and wanted to break down crying. This girl was as broken as one could be. She looked small, helpless. You didn’t want to look like that, to feel like that. 

Rafe parked the car and switched the ignition off and you left the car.

You walked in side by side. You gently slipped your hand in his in search for that comforting feeling he always provided for you. He lightly squeezed your hand in response as he unlocked the door with his other hand. He let you enter first so he could lock the door again behind you two. 

As soon as you stepped into his home you finally let your emotions bubble up, explode. You sobbed as you leaned against the wall, sliding down onto the floor. You hid your face in your hands, embarrassed by your outburst.

“Hey.” Rafe crouched in front of you, softly pulling your hands away from your face and raising your chin so you’d look him into the eyes. You could barely see him through the tears pooling in your eyes.

“Let’s go get cleaned up. Is that alright?” His voice was quiet and soft. He hated seeing you like this but wanted to stay calm for you.

You nodded and he helped you off the floor and walked you to the bathroom. He helped you undress and then did so himself. Then you stepped into the shower together. 

Gently, he cleaned the blood from your face and then put some shampoo in your hair and then massaged it into your scalp. It felt nice. You felt the hurt, the bad feelings moving to the distant corner in your brain as he rinsed the shampoo from your hair. He then handed you a sponge so you could wash your body as well while he cleaned himself up too.

When he had his head thrown back, rinsing his hair. You wrapped your arms around his torso and just hugged him. He was surprised at first but let you hold him nevertheless. When he was done with washing his hair, he hugged you back, his lips against your forehead.

Everything about it was very intimate but not in a sexual way but more of a spiritual way. Like you were connected on a different level. Like you were one.

“Wait here.” He let go of you and left the shower. Coming back a few minutes later, sweatpants on, he asked you to leave the shower as well. You stepped out and he handed you his clothes to put on, a t-shirt and some comfy shorts. 

“Do you want something to eat?”

You shook your head in denial. “Can we maybe just watch a movie or something?”

He smiled softly. “Sure.”

So you cuddled up on the couch under various blankets and put on some movie you weren’t actually paying attention to. You tried but the thoughts in your head were moving 100 miles per hour which made it hard to focus on anything.

“I want you to move in with me.”

That tore you out of the storm that was going on in your head. “What?”

“Move in with me. Like right now. We can go pick up your stuff when your dad’s not there.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack, baby. I don’t want you living there with him. I want you to be here with me where you can feel free and safe. I want us to be able to sleep at night with one less worry. Will you? Move in with me?”

“Yes.” 

You both smiled widely as the thought settled in. You were going to live together. Away from the shithead that was your dad. Away from the house that you didn’t have any good memories in. It made you happy. And the fact that you got to be next to Rafe every day and night made you finally see some hope for you. It was going to get better. Finally.

join my obx taglist!

[rpmemes-galore]

sad quotes : from a mix of sources ... sentence starters

“I was happy... once.”

“Do you think I could be saved?”

“There’s no reasoning with grief.”

“I am so tired of being so scared.”

“If this is reality, I’m not interested.”

“I put all my trust in an empty dream.”

“But what is grief if not love persevering?”

“I was too young to know how to love her.“

“I’m too young for eyes this sad, this tired.”

“You're all duct tape and safety pins inside.”

“If you’re happy in a dream, does that count?”

“I can survive on my own. I have for this long.”

“I don’t want to give up hope... it’s all I have left.”

“I didn’t make the choice to give this up. You did.”

“How long have you carried this, all on your own?”

“I loved her... and, sometimes, she loved me, too.”

“Tears come from the heart and not from the brain.“

“Maybe some people are just made to be shattered.”

“There is no way to train your heart to be invulnerable.“

“You said you’d always be there for me, but you’re not.“

“I don’t trust anyone else. I can barely even trust myself.”

“Sometimes it’s better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you.“

“You don’t love me. You don’t. Love doesn’t hurt like this.”

“All that could be said has... and it hasn’t solved anything.”

“No one heard me screaming, then. How could they, now?”

“They’ve dulled your light. Even your smile is dimmer, now.”

“You were supposed to be my escape... not another prison.”

“How long am I supposed to wander before I can find home?”

“I hid my deepest feelings so well I forgot where I placed them.“

“Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.“

“I have to keep moving. Eventually, someday, I’ll be safe, again.”

“How can you move forward when you keep regretting the past?“

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.“

“I should have been there. I should have done something, anything.”

“No matter how gifted you are… You, alone, cannot change the world.“

“Nothing... there is nothing I can do that will make my heart less heavy.”

“Loneliness is peaceful, but there’ll be no one to share happiness with.“

“Please don’t go away... No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before.“

“You know, a heart can be broken, but it keeps on beating, just the same.”

“I just want you to be happy. Even if that happiness no longer includes me.”

“People keep telling me that life goes on, but to me, that’s the saddest part.”

“I thought I could just apologize tomorrow. But that tomorrow… never came.“

“How has the weight of this not crushed you? How are you still able to smile?”

“The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”

“The scariest and the most painful thing is to be hated by someone you truly love.“

“Happiness is a fleeting notion. It fills you with false hope. Grief keeps you grounded.”

“Breathing is hard. When you cry so much, it makes you realize that breathing is hard.“

“Nothing has ever hurt more than realizing, in your darkest moment, you’re truly alone.”

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.“

“Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living.”

“I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't.”

“But, if you want to leave, you can. I’ll remember you, though. I remember everyone that leaves.”

“You can love someone so much... But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.“

“Why should I apologize for being a monster? Has anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?“

“I have to believe that there are still good people in the world. I have to believe that kindness persists.”

“You have been, in every way, all that anyone could be... If anybody could have saved me, it would have been you.”

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”

“Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it's there if you look deep.”

“But grief makes a monster out of us sometimes... and sometimes you say and do things to the people you love that you can’t forgive yourself for.“

“People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.”

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they don’t wish to see anyone else suffer the way they did.“

[realmermaid333]

my first autism awareness month post lol (im so late)

For this autism awareness month I want to talk about the more I guess "taboo" part of autism acceptance and the Autistic Experience TM

People say they support people with autism until an autistic person makes a social mistake and says something weird or stims in an "odd" way or does literally anything "strange". As soon as we unmask or the mask slips people no longer want to support us. 

I see this a lot with social mistakes being made then people being extremely judgmental and even going as far as saying people are using autism as an excuse to make social mistakes. While this has happened before, it isn’t always the case.

A big reason why we need autism awareness is people don't fully understand what autism is. 

I'll give a simplified definition: Autism is a developmental disability that impacts the nervous system. It impacts social and emotional development and common symptoms are difficulty with communication and social interaction, obsessive interests, and repetitive behaviors. 

There's more to it but that's the gist. Autistic people misinterpret social cues pretty often and that can lead to small miscommunications or even huge misunderstandings. Some people with autism struggle to tell when someone's joking, some autistic people struggle to tell when a joke or comment is appropriate, some autistic people struggle to tell if they are arguing with someone, some autistic people can't tell they are hurting people's feelings unless they are told. 

We are a wide spectrum. There are varying levels: level 1 (generally low support needs on most days/for most people), level 2 (generally medium support needs on most days/for most people), and level 3 (generally high support needs on most days/for most people). 

I find that a lot of the time when people are introduced to the topic of autism it is from a level 1, low support needs autist who is great at masking. While those people deserve and need platforms too- I myself am a level 1 with lower support needs, though I am not very good at masking- we often ignore the level 2 and 3 autistics and those who are visibly autistic.

There may be a time when an autistic person says something that makes you upset or uncomfortable and you need to communicate that. Not everyone can tell they said something that made someone uncomfortable. I think we would all also benefit from being less judgemental when someone makes a social mistake. All humans make them from time to time, though especially autistic people and other neurodivergent people do. 

I am also tired of people saying that mentioning you’re autistic after accidentally saying something that makes someone uncomfortable is using it as an excuse. It is not an excuse and shouldn’t be used as one! But it is an explanation. Understanding that someone is autistic is really good background to knowing why they may have said something. An autistic person may share they are autistic after a misunderstanding so you know it wasn't intentional and that they understand now and hope to avoid the same thing in the future. 

As a lot of ya’ll are my friends, and I may be one of the only autistic people you are friends with, though only online. I want to tell you about my own social mistakes. I come across much more neurotypical online because I can overthink what I say lol. And most of the time it isn't healthy. I am so anxiously self aware to the point of self sabotage sometimes. When I am in online spaces I overthink what I'm going to say and sometimes edit and revise messages before I send them (I am trying to stop doing this). This is how I tend to avoid misunderstandings! I do get scared I'll mess up and people won't want to talk to me anymore. I shouldn't do that! But yeah, irl I have accidentally said things that people didn't like. I've accidentally made people uncomfortable because I couldn't edit and revise my words after I said them like I can when I type before sending. 

This is an easy thing to do in general even for someone who isn't autistic! We've all done something like this before. But when you're autistic and you may miss the context of jokes others were making or you may entirely misread a social situation. Then you try to join in and sometimes it doesn't work or you fuck up. It happens! I've done this before many times. And unfortunately people tend to be really judgmental about social mistakes, at least in my experience. It makes being autistic really hard sometimes. 

And this does not mean that you shouldn't tell an autistic person they've made you uncomfortable or said something you didn't like! That kind of constructive criticism is okay and necessary! People won't know you're upset if you keep it to yourself, especially if this is a person who reads social cues and body language poorly. This post isn't to excuse something negative an autistic person may say or say your feelings are invalid if an autistic person makes you upset. It's just to hopefully help people be more understanding. 

i don’t wanna type a tldr, just read/skim i guess. but here’s a crappy one. 

Social mistakes are a huge thing for autistic people and it just saddens me and makes me self conscious sometimes the harsh ways people deal with them. it can be really easy to make a social mistake for most people, but especially for autistic people, and especially in online spaces. 

prepare for more of my rants & musings about autism related things

[jessource]

LYRIC SENTENCE STARTERS,  ETHEL CAIN.

“how funny, i never considered myself tough.”

“say what you want, but say it like you mean it.”

“god is telling you and i there is death.”

“jesus can always reject his father, but he cannot escape his mother’s blood.”

“i’ve killed before and i’ll kill again.”

“you know i raised you better than this.”

“sing it to me all day long.”

“hey, do you wanna see the west with me?”

“i am poison in the water and unhappy.”

“head full of whiskey but i always deliver.”

“trouble’s always gonna find you.”

“i followed you in.”

“i feel so alone.”

“i tried to be good. am i no good?”

“tell me a story.”

“they say heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

“all that's left are your walls and you'll die there.”

“i’d hold the gun if you asked me.”

“i’m tired of you still tied to me.”

“a nd if you hate me, please don’t tell me.”

“end of the line. we finally hit the edge, after all this time.”

“baby, don't run, i’ll take you anywhere.”

“you love blood too much.”

“found you just to tell you that i made it real far.”

“and know that one day, you and i could be ok.”

“it hurts to miss you. but it’s worse to know that i’m the reason.”

“he wanted to go, so maybe it was his fault.”

“even the iron still feels the rot.”

“we had nothing except each other.”

“i just wanted to be yours.”

“he’s cold-blooded so it takes more time to bleed.”

“tell me, what have you done?”

“you can’t hide from me forever.”

“blessed be the daughters of cain, bound to suffering eternal through the sins of their fathers committed long before their conception.”

“there’s nothing you can do, it’s already been done.”

“i hate this story where happiness ends and dies with you.”

“don’t talk to strangers or you might fall in love.”

“then the day came and you were up and gone.”

“you know, i still wait at the edge of town.”

“just know that i love you.”

“in these motel rooms, i started to see you differently.”

“i’m doing what i want and damn, i’m doing it well.”

“i feel it there in the middle of the night.”

“i am no good nor evil, simply i am.”

“hiding from something i cannot stop.”

“i didn’t find my love but i still made it this far without it.”

“i haven’t spoken to my dad in a long, long time.”

“don’t think about it too hard or you’ll never sleep a wink at night again.”

“just give it one more day, then you’re done.”

“i’ll see you when you get here.”

“love’s never meant much to me.”

“i invited you in. twice, i did.”

suffer does the wolf, crawling to thee. promising a big fire, any fire.”

“i’ve killed before.”

“hell don’t scare me, i’ve been times before.”

“dad’s left and mama won’t come home.”

“love’s out there and I can’t leave it be.”

“i cry every day, and the bottles make it worse.”

“these dirt roads are empty.”

“trouble’s always gonna find you, (name). but so will i.”

“i’m so alone out here without you, baby.”

“i don’t need anything from anyone.”

“your mama calls me sometimes to see if i’m doing well.”

[nerves-nebula]

so I’m not sure exactly how to phrase this but I don’t think I was meant to survive. I don’t have it in me, I’m a weak link, I don’t have a consistent internal flame. Sometimes it burns bright enough that I think if I just live long enough I’ll eventually be grateful I did, but despite all my good fortune that time never comes. I imagine myself old and tired and bitter that I’ve had to hold on this long. I can’t help but believe that if reincarnation is real, I’ve lived a thousand lives trying to escape the cycle. Trying to just not exist. I don’t have that hunger for life in me and I’m insanely jealous of those who do. It’s mesmerizing to see it in action.

Something has been wrong with me from day one. I shouldn’t have survived that tiny little hole in my heart I was born with, that hole which healed up on its own, despite me having it nine months after birth, despite me knowing it would’ve been better if I’d died from lack of oxygen or something.

I’ve been weak from the beginning, and I wouldn’t make it on my own. But that’s not what’s wrong with me, I don’t believe people need to be strong or independent to survive and be worthwhile people.

What’s wrong with me is that I simply don’t want to survive, I don’t like living and experiencing things enough to deeply desire it. It’s embarrassing in a way, knowing people everywhere really do want to live because they’ve got things to do, because they WANT it. knowing I only want to live because I’m afraid.

I want to go somewhere quiet, put on some noise, lay down, and die. If I could have stopped my heart in my sleep by now I would have. I can’t remember a time when I wanted to live, rather than just hoping I’d want to live in the future.

When I think of why I don’t kill myself, it’s because I’m not allowed to. Other reasons include: I’m scared it will hurt, I’m scared I’ll fail and everything will be worse for me, I’m scared the next life or the after-life will be worse, I’m scared life wont simply stop or be better- it will only continue, because I have people relying on me and because I don’t want to hurt the people who cared about me.

But what I think to myself is that I’m simply not allowed to die, because I don’t have the time to get into why. So I’m just not allowed to die. But I’d like to. I want it. It’s always been in me, since I dreamed about monsters stealing me away at night as a child. Since I spend my life in daydreams and fiction. My deepest desire has always been to simply leave, to stop.

And more than that, it’s in the way I physically exist too. I don’t like food, I don’t like water, I don’t feel good sleeping, I hate doing nearly everything it takes to maintain a good or healthy body- hygiene, food, exercise, social interaction, physical touch, they’re all good for me! They make me feel good once they’ve happened! And I dread doing them every single time! Because I’d rather not have to do them, or anything, at all. I feel I was meant to die.

Underneath so much of what I do is a desire to be understood in a way that is simply impossible, I want to be heard through and through, in and out. I wanna return to the earth and never leave its crust again because language and art and touch is just not good enough. I was meant to die, and my only solace is that one day it will happen.

[ajxrn]

mmmmmm (tw for transphobia, surgery/medical stuff, genitalia and body parts, and gender dysphoria mentions)

Feeling dysphoric. So here’s a rant. </3

I’ve been questioning my gender since I was 13. I don’t relate to how I see other trans people state how they were born in the wrong body. More so a “I used to be a girl” feeling. I wasn’t always a boy. I just had awakenings and realized I would be more comfortable in my body if I presented masculine.

When I first questioned, I thought I was genderfluid. It felt alright at first. I fucked around with pronouns and titles, and realized that like hey! I can be whoever I want! Soon those “girl days” and “boy days” I had turned into a different feeling. I started liking more masculine shit, but that made me very afraid of feminine things. I feel dysphoric when I wear “highly feminine” things ig, but I know it’s because I have a weird shame inside me about how I “used to be a girl” and now I’m trying to be one again or something.

Cut to nowadays, I’ve figured some shit out and I’m feeling more comfortable. I’ve got a name that feels right, a few even, and my pronouns are good.

But even after years, I’m still not there yet.

I know I’m young so I shouldn’t worry, but on top of my transphobic family it gets..tiring. Living in a household where you feel like you need to live up to what everyone else sees you as can be so exhausting. I look in the mirror and I can’t even fucking recognize myself anymore sometimes. Sure, that face is mine. But it doesn’t look like how I want it to. But that’s the big problem.

I don’t KNOW what I want to look like.

surgery is scary. T is scary. Thinking of transitioning makes me sick. I genuinely don’t know. I know I don’t want bottom surgery, I’m pretty fine with having afab parts down there. Having a vagina doesn’t make me feel bad. But top surgery and hormones are what scare me. Some days I think I would like to, and other days it freaks me out. I know I have a lot of internalized transphobia (or just general queerphobia) at myself because of my upbringing, and honestly I have had a coming out experience that traumatized me. Bad. Like it’s just the fact that I know my family will never accept nor support me. I’m conflicted. I want to be comfortable in my body. I want to love myself. I want to wake up and see myself in the mirror and be filled with confidence. I want to feel good about my body. But I can’t. I have a big chest and my body shape is very feminine. I have longish hair and my features are pretty feminine and shit. It’s a bit tiring flipping back and forth between liking yourself and not liking yourself at all.

And looking just like my mom doesn’t help. Looking just like someone who has hurt me and would hate me for my identity is painful. I don’t want to look anything like her. My whole life I’ve heard that “you look like your mother” and “you’re basically twins” nonstop. Even before knowing I was trans it was upsetting. It takes away my sense of self, leaving me empty and blank like a white canvas.

A perfect, white canvas. But I took that canvas, and I changed it. I colored that canvas throughout the pain, the joy, the rage, the everything. I let myself take the broken glass and glue it back together. Sure, it’s not perfect, but there is beauty in all art, isn’t there?

And yknow what? At the end of the day, all I need to know might just be that:

I’m me.

[mountttmase]

so I kind of wrote this today , and I’m too scared to post it myself, I’ve never written anything in my life but I wanted to try. This is basically a short concept/ fic about my surgery that I had but it’s basically just including Mason in it. Because I don’t think I will ever post it, I decided to send it here as a concept a bit like the longer concepts that @saltyheartnightmare send sometimes

Mason sat in the chair beside your bed, as he gently held your hand waiting for you to wake up from the surgery. 

…..

A few weeks before you’d felt a lump in your breast. It was an incredibly terrifying discovery that you could have a life threatening cancer. After telling Mason, the two of you contacted the doctors to find out what the lump was harmful. 

Mason stayed by your side through the entire appointment, comforting you while you were having scans completed and constantly letting you know that he was with you for the entire process. 

The wait for the results felt agonisingly long. During the days you waited for the results, you felt scared, you weren’t able to sleep at times and just the thought of having cancer kept you up at night and you would end up in tears just thinking about if the lump was cancerous. Mason was there with you every night, he was your rock. He held you while you cried and broke down. He’d hold you and comfort you whenever you needed it. 

It was so difficult for Mason to see the love of his life in pain. He just wanted to get rid of all the hurt and pain that you were feeling and all he wanted was to see your smile back on your face. 

You and Mason were in the kitchen the afternoon you got the results. You answered the phone and Mason squeezed your hand comfortingly to let you know he was there for you. A sense of relief flooded through your body when the doctor had told you that the lump was not cancerous. You had a smile on your face and tears started to fall, Mason had tears in his eyes knowing that you were ok. You found out that the lump still needed to be removed so they told you that you need to have a small surgery. As soon as you cut the phone, you wrapped your arms around Mason resting your head on his chest feeling Mason leave kisses on your head, the two of your felt a large weight be taken off your shoulders knowing that you were ok . 

…..

Mason felt your hand squeeze his and he saw your eyes slowly opening, he was by your side in seconds. You saw him standing next to you with a soft smile in his face. You sent him a small sleep smile back. 

“Hey bubba, you’re ok, everything went perfectly” he said while stroking your hair. He’d help set the bed to help you get comfortable. 

After a being awake a few minutes, you were incredibly exhausted. “Why don’t you take a nap sweetheart, we’ll be here a few hours still until you’re ready to go home” Mason told you and then  he kissed your forehead. 

He sat down in the chair next to your bed and held your hand. “I love you Mase” you said to him while sending him a smile, which he then gave back to you. He kissed your hand and said “love you more baby”. 

When it was time to take you home, Mason was incredible gentle. He’d helped you change into a button up pyjama top and some bottoms to make sure that you were comfortable. He helped  you walk out of the hospital to the car and when you got home helped you to your room and got you settled into bed.  He tucked you into bed and then joined you. “How are you feeling baby” he asked you as he brushed his fingers across your cheek. 

“I’m ok, just really tired and sore” you replied. He draped his arm across your waist, knowing that you weren’t going to able to cuddle like usually but he still want to hold in a way that was still comfortable for you and wasn’t causing you any pain. 

“Why don’t we have a little nap, I’ll make you some soup in a bit when you’re feeling hungry, sound ok?”, he told you softly. 

“Thank you for looking after me Mase, you’ve been incredible through this whole thing, I don’t know if I could have done it without you, I love you so much” you said to Mason with tears in your eyes. Mason was quick to wipe them away and he said “I love you too baby, you are the strongest person I know” while closing the gap between the two of you with a sweet kiss. “Now get some rest ok, just like you help me recover from injuries, it’s my turn to do the same for you my love”. Mason kissed your forehead and held you so gently to not hurt you while you fell asleep safe and sound in his arms.

so I don’t think I wrote it very well and I’m too scared to actually post it so I just sent it here anonymously because I don’t think I will ever write another fic, I only write this because it is quite personal to me

Bestie thank you so much for sharing this with me so everyone else can read it too, I really enjoyed it

I LOVE fics where Mase looks after the reader and I think you’ve got him down perfectly here 🥺 like even down to the way he’d still want to cuddle you but he knows he’s got to be extra careful

I hope it was a cathartic experience for you too cause I always find writing helps me so much 🩷

I hope you’re feeling a bit better too

[sumu-samu]

(Broken) Trust

This was something I thought up from two comments on Geordi’s episode Your Boyfriend Finally Draws The Line. One said something about Cutie having a panic attack after Geordi left and another kinda piggybacked off that with saying how even if Cutie got the help, and Geordi forgave them that they would never forgive themselves and live in constant fear they would hurt him again. So… angst. 

Italics is things playing in Cuties head and the bold italics is what they were thinking in the moment of the fight 

CW: stereotypical/fictional display of a panic attack, argument, disassociation, mental distress, and severe angst. (Lmk if I missed anything)

multiple chapters

master list | part 2

Why are you like this

Of course I’m mad. Fuck you-

I’m asking you for 20 or 30 minutes. Why is that a problem?

That is not fair to me. Don’t say that.

Why are you like this

Do you know how hurtful it is

Fuck you-

Cutie just stood there, all of Geordi’s words swirling around in their head.

Sometimes I just want some space for myself

Don’t… DON’T

Why can’t my words ever be enough for you

Geordi was right, all they did was push and push and push. They were being so fucking toxic. 

Giving me space is not some gift you’re granting me. It’s… it’s a right that you’re respecting.

Don’t guilt me for asking for it

That is not fair to me

Don’t give it conditionally

You’re not really giving it at all

Subconsciously they knew that it would come to this, but they were to blind to see that the way they acted was bringing this end closer and sooner. 

It’s not easy for me to just not care

My feelings aren’t just some problem you can solve

Even if that would be convenient for you.

They think everything’s about them

Selfish, that’s what they were. They were too insecure to take Geordi’s feelings into account. They were too obsessed with what others were thinking about themselves to care that Geordi needed space.

It’s like you don’t even hear me

Because I’m tired. And you don’t seem to have much to say anyway. 

Are we too different

They don’t get it, they don’t get me

I have drawn a line, and they keep crossing it

Maybe trying isn’t enough

It wasn’t, trying wasn’t enough. Because regardless of how hard they tried it always ended up the same. 

I’m upset. But that doesn’t mean I want you gone.

I’m not mad, just tired

I want them in my life

 Did he? Did he still want them in his life? After all they had done.

They think back to the talk they had just had before he walked out.

Is the why really going to make a difference? I already know why you did it. The same reason you always do *he’s going to leave* because the thought of not knowing what someone thinks all the time pushes you to this place where you just- *loud, loud, mad. He’s mad. He should be. You fucked up* 

It was everything they were scared of but they couldn’t do that to Geordi. They couldn’t lie, they couldn’t hide it from him. They loved him. He understood how hard it was to be honest. Of course he did, he was Geordi, the best thing to ever have happened to them. 

Honesty after the fact… and then apology… aren’t going to be enough for me.. anymore *way to go dumbass. He’s gone, he hates you. He should. What’s wrong with you* because… because apologies are just words…. Words you keep on saying.

He was right. The amount of times they said sorry, you coulda filled a whole pool with it. 

I lost three years of myself, and my health, and my happiness to that. And I’m not gonna do that again *happiness, you don’t make him happy. Miserable, he’s miserable. How could you?* 

They never wanted to take his happiness away. To be compared to his ex. An ex they didn’t know much about but they knew was a piece of shit. 

I need to go. I’ll text you when I get there. Goodbye. 

And just like that, he walked out. And they were left there, alone, in silence, so so so much silence. They could feel their heart begin to speed up. Faster and faster, it felt like it would beat straight out of their chest. Their lungs moved with their heart, expanding and contracting faster and faster, their chest burned. They were already crying before Geordi walked out. Their legs gave out, Cutie fell to the ground right there in the kitchen. Chest heaving, mind racing, face flooded with salty tears. They began to shake, they couldn’t stop it. 

“G-G-Geordi” they wheezed. But no matter how hard they tried to call out, Geordi left, he was gone. He wouldn’t even care to come to their side to calm them down. 

They tried so hard to think of the next best person. But they couldn’t. All that ran through their head was Geordi and his words. 

They were able to find the strength to get their phone out and call the last person they texted. 

“Cutie! Hey! Wha-… Cutie?” They could hear the rapid breathing that came from Cutie. “What’s goin’ on? Are you okay? Where are you?” 

“Home… help… please” they struggled to get it out. 

[timaeusterrored]

(Pathetic)

(Angst warning babes back on my hurting Vax shit)

Vax stared at his reflection, but didn’t recognize the man staring back. He felt sick, being unable to recognize himself anymore twisted his stomach into knots. He glared into the mirror, he was an imposter in his own body.

“You keep staring at my man like that, and we’re gonna have an issue.” Kerry stated, appearing behind him, hands going to his hips. He was so warm, he always had been. Why was Vax always so cold? If Johnny had taken over, would he be warm again?

“Your man is pathetic.” Vax grumbled, glaring into the mirror still.

“Whoa hey, no. Don’t start that.” Kerry pressed him into the sink so he couldn’t escape. “I tolerate a lot, but you self depicting is not one of them.” His arms went around his waist, looking at them through the mirror with V.

“I am. My own fuckin’ body doesn’t want me. My face looks different, I fucking smile different. My voice doesn’t sound like my voice in my head. I’m an engram of myself.” Kerry let him rant, pressing a warm kiss to his shoulder.

“I sound like him. I drink like him. I fucking sit like he did. This body is his and he’s not even fucking here to control it. And I can see it, in your eyes and Rogue’s and Bes and Denny, even fucking Judy doesn’t look at me the same anymore. And she knew me before him. I’m not me anymore, how is that not fucking pathetic?” Vax felt his hands shaking as he gripped the sink, not meeting Kerry’s eyes.

“Turn,” Kerry tugged in V’s hips, helping him turn around. Vax didn’t want to face him, he was supposed to be Kerry Eurodyne’s sexy young input, a mystery man that was possibly his bodyguard. They fucked on a burning yacht and blew up trucks, and he was starting to believe maybe he had been way too much like Johnny back then, that Johnny’s wild and impulsive behavior had leaked into V by that point.

“I didn’t get to know V before Johnny. And I met V when he had Johnny in him. Johnny was a fucking asshole- Look at me, baby- Johnny was a selfish asshole that didn’t care what happened to anyone around him… until he met you. It takes a lot to tame Johnny, but somehow you did it. You aren’t the same Vax you were back then, but you are not Johnny. I like this V, who yeah sure smirks like an asshole but I tend to like asshole men.” Kerry cupped his face, forcing Vax to make eye contact.

“You’re my Vax now. And from what Guadeloupe and Vik say, you haven’t changed as much as you think you have. You are still a giant sweetheart, you love boxing, you don’t drink a Silverhand. Johnny would say Jackie’s drink is ‘too sweet’. So what you manspread? More room for me to sit.” Vax chuckled at that, bumping their foreheads together.

Then Kerry grabbed his jaw and pulled his face closer.

“If I ever hear you call my man pathetic again, I will kick your ass.” It was an empty threat. Kerry never laid a hand on V outside of the bedroom, and even then it was within V’s boundaries.

“Isn’t it tiring? Taking care of me? You’ve taken care of me since I came down, and even before that. All you’ve done is take care of me, you’ve dealt with 3am nightmares, god knows how many times you’ve sang the boat song for me, sometimes my hands shake so goddamn bad I can’t do anything! How is that not exhausting?” Vax’s voice wavered as he spoke, feeling tears threatening to spill.

“V- Vax, baby focus. You’re gonna hyperventilate if you keep trying to talk like that-“

“And you’re still taking care of me!”

Kerry got Vax to sit on the ground, holding him close to his chest while Vax sobbed. How many times has he cried in Kerry’s chest? How many night did he keep him up with worry? Or scared him screaming form a nightmare? He was exhausted and he knew Kerry was too.

“Big deep breath.” Kerry whispered into his hair, sitting him up so he could take one.

Kerry rubbed his back, wiped his tears, and Nibbles had come in to check on her owner. She was wearing a little black sweater Mama Welles had bought her a while ago.

“Now, I don’t want you take this like I’m comparing you to him okay?” Vax nodded, holding Nibbles close. “I’m not patient, but I was friends with Johnny for over 20 years, and you know better than anyone how annoying that man can be. He was even more exhausting alive. I know where my limit is, and I know where you’re limit is, you’ve hit your limit, I haven’t. I take care of you because you reached into my chest with those big starstruck eyes and pulled my heart out-“

“Nice lyrics.”

“Babe.”

“Sorry.”

“What I’m tryin’ to say it, I take care of you because I want too. I promised you I’d be there for the whole ride, and guess what? We’re still on it, sweetheart. You’re still being affected by the relic every damn day, I see you fighting in your head all the time. I’m here to drag you out. There’s no where you could go that I can’t follow you and drag your ass back to me. I chose you, you chose me. Not everything we do is gonna be fun but we’re gonna suffer together.”

Vax was leaned into Kerry’s hand, listening to him talk. How many times were they gonna sit on the bathroom floor and talk? Was that their thing? It wasn’t so bad, he supposed.

“And don’t you dare apologize. Let’s just go lay down okay? You’ve exhausted yourself.” Kerry kissed his forehead and helped him up, following him to their bed.

The two settled down, Nibbles going to her spot at the end of the bed.

Not everything they did would be sexy or fun, as much as Vax wished he could give Kerry that. He deserved a normal partner, and instead he was dealing with Vax-

“Stop thinking. Just relax… I’ve got you.” Kerry kissed his forehead and pulled him closer, tucking him under his chin.

Vax tried to fight sleep, but Kerry started singing and he couldn’t fight it for long. He knew he was safe when he had Kerry.

[astrronomemes]

ETHEL CAIN : PREACHER’S DAUGHTER STARTERS (PART I)

a collection of lyrics from Ethel Cain’s Preacher’s Daughter album. change & alter as needed.

“He’ll never escape what he’s made up of.”

“Fate has already fucked me sideways.”

“You know I raised you better than this.”

“He wanted to go, so maybe it was his fault.”

“Say what you want, but say it like you mean it.”

“Just give it one more day, then you’re done.”

“I do what I want.”

“I said it was fun.”

“I don’t need anything from anyone.”

“It’s just not my year.”

“I’m all good out here.”

“I’m sorry if I sound off, but I was probably wasted.”

“Jesus, if you’re listening, let me handle my liquor.”

“I’m doing what I want, and damn, I’m doing it well.”

“You were my whole world.”

“We found each other on a dirty mattress on the second floor.”

“Even if we die tonight, I’d die yours.”

“Your mama calls me sometimes to see if I’m doing well.”

“I lie to her and say that I’m doing fine.”

“I’d kill myself to hold you one more time.���

“It hurts to miss you, but it’s worse to know that I’m the reason you won’t come home.”

“I cry every day, and the bottles make it worse.”

“You were the only one I was never scared to tell I hurt.”

“I just hope you’re doing fine out there. I just pray that you’re all right.”

“I feel so alone out here.”

“Show me how much I mean to you.”

“I’d hold the gun, if you asked me to.”

“Trouble’s always gonna find you, baby, but so will I.”

“I’m never gonna leave you, baby, even if you lose what’s left of your mind.”

“You know I’ll be right there beside you.”

“I haven’t spoken to my daddy in a long, long time.”

“I don’t want him to worry.”

“I’m just a child, but I’m not above violence.”

“My mama raised me better than that.”

“Shoot first, then run, and don’t look back.”

“Take me down to the river, and bathe me clean.”

“I’ve killed before, and I’ll kill again.”

“Baby, hell don’t scare me. I’ve been, many times before.”

“Lay it on me.”

“I thought good guys get to be happy. I’m not happy.”

“I was too young to notice that some types of love could be bad.”

“I’m tired of you, still tied to me.”

“I’m tired of you, too tired to leave.”

“Please can I sleep? Can I sleep?”

[sophswritingthings]

Longstar AU — Chapter Seventeen

Two moons had passed, and the cats they’d lost hadn’t returned. And at the last gathering, they learned other cats had disappeared too—specifically Tawnyfang, Stormfur, Feathertail and Crowpaw. The cats that Brambleclaw was meeting with.

   Longtail padded into the medicine cats den, spotting Leafpaw working with herbs on the inside.

   “Leafpaw, I—“

   “Ah, I don’t—!” The little she-cat yelped. Than she turned, seeing Longtail standing there, “Oh.. Longtail.”

   “.. Are you alright, Leafpaw?” Longtail mewed, “You’ve seemed jumpy the last two moons.”

   “I’m okay, thank you,” Leafpaw murmured. “Do you need something? Cinderpath should be back soon.”

   “I’m sure I can talk to you about it.” Longtail flicked his tail, “It's two things, actually. First of all I was here to ask if you could check on Blizzardspots, she’s seeming really.. lethargic lately.”

   “It’s normal, Longtail.” Leafpaw mewed softly. “She’s had kits, It can take a toll on her body. She'll feel much better once she can get out of that nursery and move around.”

   “If you're sure,” He murmured. “And I wanted to ask you about Squirrelpaw and Brambleclaw.”

   Her ears flattened tight to her skull, “W-why would I know anything about that?”

   “Well, you're her sister.” Longtail's eyes narrowed, “Leafpaw, if you know anything, you need to tell me so I can let Firestar know. The two of them could be unsafe out there alone.”

   “T-they're not!” Leafpaw hissed. She adverted her gaze, than sighed. “I know why they left. I know where they're headed. And they’re not alone,” She settled down with her paws tucked under her chest. “The other cats the clans have lost are with them. And they’re headed to the sun drown place. Though, it seemed someone is injured—though I’m not sure who.”

   “.. How do you know if someone’s injured?” He raised an eyebrow. “You're not with them.”

   “Sometimes I can feel Squirrelpaw, like she’s near me,” Leafpaw meowed. “If she’s getting in trouble, she’s scared, she’s hurt or if she’s in trouble.”

   “Interesting.” He murmured, “So they’re headed to the sun drown place? What is that?”

   “I’m not exactly sure. I’ve never heard of it.” Leafpaw meowed, and he could tell her words were sincere. “I-it feels good to get all that off my chest.” The she-cat chuckled.

   “I’m sure it does.” Longtail smiled, “Thank you for telling me this, Leafpaw.”

   Leafpaw dipped her head, turning back to fiddle with her herbs. Longtail trotted out of the medicine cats den, being met with Cinderpath as he did so.

   “Longtail.” She dipped her head, “Where you harassing my apprentice?” Cinderpath rasied an eyebrow playfully.

   “Not at all.” He dipped his head back, “Only chatting with her. I'll be out of your way, now.” Longtail rounded around the medicine cat, making his way into the leaders den.

   “Firestar,” He dipped his head. “I have some information.”

   “Hmmm?” The leader hummed, slowly lifting his head. He'd been a bit tired lately, secluding himself in his den, sometimes coming out to sun or take part in patrols. It was obvious he was worried about his daughter. In which Longtail didn’t blame him.

   “I know where they're headed,” Firestar gazed at him, his expression puzzled. “Leafpaw told me. They’re headed to the sun drown place, and there’s other cats with them. We’re not sure when they'll be back but.. we believe they should be safe.”

   “Oh thank StarClan.” Firestar sighed. “Though.. there’s a new issue.”

   “Oh?” Longtail cocked his head.

   “Myself, Graystripe and Sandstorm went hunting late last night,” Firestar mewed, “And we spotted monsters, in the forest. They weren’t moving, for now.. but they’ve left the Thunderpath.”

   “What?” Longtail flattened his ears, narrowing his eyes. “How.. could they have done that? Monsters don’t leave the Thunderpath.”

   “That’s what we were thinking.” Firestar nodded his head in agreement, “But I’m not sure what they’ve going to do. We need to have cats keeping a look out from now on.”

   “I'll post them tonight.” Longtail dipped his head.

   “Oh, and how are the kits doing?” Firestar mewed. “They’re already four moons old.. can you believe that?” He choked a laugh. “Time flies when they’re kittens, y'know.”

   “Yeah.” Longtail smiled, “I can’t believe it at all. Though Blizzardspots seems excited,” He twitched his whiskers. “She loved them, we both do. But they’re a bit of a handful for one cat.”

   “Since they'll be apprentices soon,” Firestar sat up, stretching his paws. “Who did you want to mentor them? If you had any ideas.”

   “Hm.” He hummed. “Swiftflame for Silverkit. He definitely needs a strong paw, and Swiftflame would be able to handle it,” Longtail mewed. “Sorreltail for Sandkit.” He continued, “And.. Brightheart for Dustkit. She’s half blind, she'll be able to help him learn skills and become a warrior, even being blind.”

   “That sounds perfect.” Firestar smiled. “They're the kits of two great warriors. I’m sure they'll become just the same.”

   “I agree.” Longtail purred, “I’m going to take out a hunting patrol, is that alright?”

   “Perfectly.” Firestar brushed past him and slipped out of his den. Longtail did the same, making his toward the warriors den. There, Swiftflame, Brightheart, Ashfur and Cloudtail were settled.

   “Hey.” Swiftflame mewed, “Something up?”

   “No.” Longtail flicked his tail, “I’m taking the four of you on a hunting patrol. Sound good?”

   Cloudtail got up, stretching his paws, “Sounds great,” He purred. “C'mon.”

   “And I wanted to talk to you two,” Longtail meowed. “Swiftflame, Brightheart.”

   “.. Oh.. uh, of course.” Brightheart murmured, following Longtail out of the camp. The rest of the patrol trailed behind the two cats. “What is it, Longtail?”

   “My kits are to be apprenticed soon,” He meowed. “I want you two to mentor one. Each.”

   “Woah!” Swiftflame gasped, “Really? You want—us? To be mentors?”

   “You deserve it!” Cloudtail meowed, slipping in between the two cats, “I mean, I already had apprentice. About time Firestar gives you apprentices, too!”

   “So, who’s mentoring who? And what about the last kit?” Swiftflame raised an eyebrow. 

   “Swiftflame, you'll mentor Silverkit. Brightheart, I want you to mentor Dustkit,” He meowed softly. “Dustkit.. he’s completely blind. I know you're only half blind, but.. I assumed you could help him much more than say I could. And like Cloudtail said, you deserve an apprentice just like any other cat,” Longtail flicked her ear with his tail. “And Sorreltail will mentor Sandkit.”

   “.. Thank you, Longtail,” Brightheart dipped her head. “For believing in me. And trusting me.”

   He stretched out his neck, rasping his tongue over the top of her head, “Of course. Anyone can be a warrior, no matter if you have a disability or not.”

   “Okay, okay,” Cloudtail rolled his eyes playfully, ���Enough of this sappy stuff, can we hunt already?”

   Brightheart twitched his whiskers, brushing her tail across her mates side, “Of course. Come on.”