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moondancewrites · 7 years

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S.O.S. - Chapter 4

Pairing: Lance Tucker x Evelyn Burns (OC)

Warnings: None. Just some flirting.

Summary: Evelyn Burns’ life is turned upside down when her sister and brother-in-law are killed in a car crash and she becomes the legal guardian of her 13 year-old niece Hannah. The one thing that will get Hannah through is continuing her work as a gymnast, so Evelyn takes it upon herself to find her the best coach in town. Enter Lance Tucker, a scandal-ridden scoundrel yet brilliant coach who has been laying low in Florida where he owns his own gym. He’s everything Evelyn hates about men and she is the polar opposite of what he looks for in a good lay, but when they’re forced to spend time together they realize that maybe they are just what the other needs.

The time Evelyn had been dreading was upon her: the holidays. Rachel had always loved the holidays. She’d gone out of her way to make sure everyone was well fed, entertained, happy. At least that’s what Evelyn remembered; she hadn’t come to a gathering the last few years Rachel was alive.

She was so nervous about Hannah. Would she even want to celebrate? She seemed to be doing well, but Thanksgiving was her first big holiday without her parents. Should Evelyn do something, she wondered? She wasn’t much of a cook, but she could try. Or should she just let it be? Would it be a comfort to Hannah to celebrate or would it stir up old feelings? What if it made her break down? Evelyn hadn’t seen her break down yet - not fully. There were a few nights in the beginning, late at night, when she heard whimpers from her room but she was too chicken shit to go in and comfort her; she didn’t know what to say.

It was the Saturday before Thanksgiving when Evelyn blurted out on the way to practice, “Do you want a Thanksgiving?” Hannah’s head turned up from her phone and Evelyn panicked. “I mean like Turkey and stuff. I’ve never really done it, but if you want-”

“You don’t have to,” Hannah said with a sigh.

“I know I don’t have to, but I was just thinking ... it might be nice. I don’t know. Your mom always used to-”

“Really, it’s okay. I shouldn’t eat that stuff anyway.”

“Is that what coach Tucker is telling you?” Evelyn fumed. “Because he shouldn’t be. You’re a growing girl. You’re active. You look great, too. You should be able to have some damn cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes if you want to!”

“Whoa, auntie. Calm down,” Hannah said with a laugh. “If you want to do Thanksgiving, then you can do it.”

“Oh ….” Evelyn loosened her vice grip on the steering wheel. “Okay, then.”

“Is Ben going to come?”

“I don’t think so. He’s out of town on business.”

“Surprise, surprise,” Hannah said with an eyeroll.

“Hey, he works hard, you know. He’s doing all he can to provide for us.”

“Auntie,” Hannah shot her a look. “You and I both know that you work hard enough to provide for both of us times three. And you don’t even need to, considering the inheritance grandmama and grandpapa left you.”

“How do you -” Evelyn’s mouth was agape.

“Mom told me. She said I should be grateful to them for helping pay for all of my lessons after dad lost his job.”

“Oh ….”

“Yeah. So I know you don’t really need to work if you don’t want to.”

“Well,” Evelyn shifted in her seat after they pulled into the parking lot at the gym. “Just because we have that money doesn’t mean that Ben doesn’t need to work hard. His work is like gymnastics to you. He doesn’t need it to survive, but he’s good at it and he enjoys it and it makes him happy. Just like my work.”

“I still don’t get what you do,” Hannah said with a little chuckle.

“I’m the VP of strategic analysis-”

“For global planning and acquisition,” Hannah said with her in unison in the same tone as Evelyn, as if she’d heard it a few times. Maybe she had.... “I know… but I still don’t get it.”

“It’s complicated,” Evelyn said plainly.

“Are you staying for practice today?” Hannah said with a hopeful smile. Evelyn had been making an effort to stay a bit longer each week - kind of easing herself into it. She knew that she’d lose Hannah if she didn’t at least try to show an interest in her favorite thing.

It wasn’t easy, especially with those moms. All they did was gossip about stuff around town and stare at Lance Tucker’s ass. Evelyn did her best to ignore them, often bringing some weekend work or a book to distract her, but it wasn’t easy; especially when Lance would come and talk to her. He would always have something to say, even if it was really nothing. It was as if he enjoyed seeing Evelyn get worked up by his ridiculousness. And she could feel the impaling glares from the moms, like arrows in her back.

For Hannah, Evelyn would chant to herself. For Hannah.

“Yes, I think I’ll stay.”

“Awesome! Because I want to show you my new trick Lance taught me this week. It’s really cool! He said I’m the youngest student he’s ever seen do it!”

“A trick, huh? What kind of trick?”

“You’ll see,” Hannah beamed.

It was in the middle of rehearsal that Lance knocked on the glass to get Evelyn’s attention. She was sitting in the corner working on a spreadsheet and didn’t notice him until he knocked again. “YO. Evelyn!” Her head shot up. “Watch this, okay?” Evelyn looked around sheepishly; all the moms had taken notice. She nodded and Lance turned around. “Okay, Hannah. Show time.”

Hannah got up on the uneven bars and did twists and turns and flips like Evelyn had never seen. It was so effortless for her, but it almost made Evelyn dizzy watching her. But it was awe-inspiring, that was for sure. When Hannah stuck the landing, Lance ran up to her and gave her a big hug, spinning her around. “That’s how it’s done!” He gave her a double high five and turned to Evelyn. “Did you see that?” Evelyn nodded, beaming at her niece.

After practice, Hannah approached her aunt with caution as if she had a question she was scared to hear the answer to. “What is it?” she asked.

“I was just wondering. I was talking to Coach Tucker about Thanksgiving and-”

“Did he say you can’t have any turkey? I’m going to sock him in that stupid hard stomach of his,” Evelyn said, stepping in Lance’s direction.

“No, no. It’s not that. I was just telling him about it. And telling him about how we used to have all these people over and it was a big thing and that this year it was just going to be us probably. And he said that he wasn’t doing anything but he was happy we were.” He was happy, huh? “And then I said … well, I kind of invited him.”

“You did what?” Evelyn’s eyes widened and Hannah frowned.

“Please, auntie? He’s all alone down here.”

“Doesn’t he have Yasmine? Or Gigi or Bianca or whoever his flavor or the week is?” You’d tried not to take notice of the women you saw him joining up with after practice on some nights, but they were just so … obvious.

“C’mon, auntie. He’s lonely. And he’s like … my uncle.” What about Ben? Evelyn thought. In the last four months that Hannah had been living with them, they’d probably spent about a month of that in Ben’s company. She spent way more time with Lance. But her uncle? Really? Evelyn shook her head. Hannah’s hopeful face seared her heart. How could she refuse?

“As long as he doesn’t make any remarks on how fatty the food is,” Evelyn said. Hannah jumped on her, giving her a hug.

“Coach Tucker!” Hannah called. “She said it’s okay! See you thursday?”

Evelyn heard some of the moms whispering as Lance approached them with a smile that was very out of character for him - it was sheepish. Wonderful. Now everyone knew who was coming to dinner.

“Hannah, I told you not to bother,” Lance said, shaking his head at her.

“But it’s cool, isn’t it, aunt Evelyn?”

“Yeah. I mean, one turkey is a lot for two people to eat,” she answered.

“What about the fiance?” Lance asked.

“I told you, coach … he’s away on business,” Hannah said.

“Right, right,” Lance said, nodding. “Alright then. What time should I come and what should I bring?”

“You don’t have to bring anything,” Evelyn said, almost taken aback by the kind gesture.

“Well, I know I don’t have to. But I want to. It’s what guests do. How about dessert? I make some delicious lemon bars.”

“Let me guess - low fat?” Evelyn quipped.

“No, they’re dripping in fat,” Lance said to her; a snarky tone in his voice. “I’m not a food Nazi, you know.” Evelyn rolled her eyes.

“Fine. Bring your bars. Dinner with be at 3.”

“Perfect. See you then, Hannah.”

As they were leaving, Jeanie’s friend, whom Evelyn learned was called Tracy a few weeks back, came up to her. “How did you get coach Tucker to come to dinner at your place? We’ve all been trying at every holiday and no luck.” Evelyn just shrugged and said she didn’t know before getting out of there as fast as possible.

This stirred up curiousity in Evelyn. Why did he say yes? And why hadn’t he said yes to these women before? It’s not like he didn’t love being gawked at. And, Evelyn learned, a few of them were single and definitely on the prowl. But yet he said no. So why now was he saying yes? Maybe he was doing it for Hannah. Maybe he saw how hard this was going to be on her and he thought a familiar, friendly face would help. Or maybe he knew it would put Evelyn on edge. Maybe he was doing it to see just how far he could push her buttons before she finally blew up at him. Maybe he was doing it because he liked watching her squirm. Evelyn pushed down those notions and decided that supporting Hannah was his main reason. She’d have to go with that, or else she’d cancel the whole thing.

The day had come. Evelyn had gone into high-power planning mode the last few days and now everything was set. The table looked perfect, the turkey smelled amazing, the potatoes were nearly done. Hannah had been such a great help, too. The two of them truly felt like … family.

“You look nice, auntie,” Hannah told her as she came back into the kitchen after getting ready. Hannah sounded disappointed. She had wanted her to wear the pretty forest green dress that she’d found in her closet the other day when she was helping her plan her outfit, even though Evelyn insisted she didn’t need to. She’d already decided to wear her black dress with the high neckline. It was kind of plain, but it was comfortable and it went nicely with her pearls. Honestly, if her hair had been straight she’d look like it was just another day at the office. But Evelyn decided that since Ben wasn’t going to be there, she didn’t need to put in the extra effort to straighten her hair. So she left it curly, pinning one side back.

“Thanks,” she told her.

“Black … again.”

“Yeah, well … I like this dress.”

“I know, auntie, but that other dress makes your eyes look so pretty and-”

“I’m not trying to look pretty,” Evelyn retorted. Hannah’s gaze moved to the floor. “You look nice, too,” she told her. Hannah was wearing a pretty floral dress and a cardigan. She looked like a young lady.

Ding dong.

“Coach Tucker is here!” Hannah jumped off the couch, running to the door. Evelyn busied herself in the kitchen, putting an apron on over her dress before she went to baste the turkey one last time. After closing the oven and turning around, she was met by her niece and Lance, who was wearing dark blue slacks and a baby blue sweater that looked way too soft. The shades were gone, as was a good amount of the hair gel. He’d only used enough to keep it in place. He looked, regrettably, incredibly handsome.

“Happy turkey day, Mrs. Cleaver,” he said with a gigantic grin.

“Mrs. Cleaver?”

“Yeah, you know. From Leave it to Beaver?”

“Yes … I know who she is,” Evelyn replied.

“Yeah, well …” he started. Evelyn just stared at him. “The pearls. The apron. The cooking. Come on …” He looked at Hannah. “She looks like Mrs. Cleaver.”

“No idea who you’re talking about,” Hannah said, walking over to get a cup of water with a little bounce in her step.

“What I - what I meant to say was … You look ….”

“Like a stereotype,” Evelyn quipped, flattening her palms over her apron. Same old Lance, she thought. She knew this was a bad idea.

“No … you lo- ...you looked nice,” he choked out. “I have the bars.” He held out a foil-covered glass dish to her.

“Thanks,” she said plainly, taking them and placing them on the counter with a thunk. She could feel Lance beside her - he was too close. She could smell his cologne. She hated how good it smelled.

“I’m sorry. Sometimes my filter … I’m sorry, okay?” He lowered his head so he could look up at her, trying to catch her gaze. He made a puppy dog face and Evelyn nibbled on her bottom lip to keep from smiling. He noticed, and he smiled at her. “C’mon, Evelyn … I’m sorry. You look great.”

“It’s fine,” she said, flashing her eyes towards his only for a moment. “I’ve got to get this turkey out. Hannah, can you get the wine out that I told you about?” Hannah’s eyes lit up. “And the sparkling cider for you?” Her eyes dimmed.

“Yes, auntie,” she said with a pout.

“While we’re alone,” Lance said softly. Evelyn’s breath caught in her throat. “I wanted to run something by you.”

“Wha-what’s that?” she asked, trying to focus on getting the potatoes into the serving dish.

“I was wondering if you’d be interested in chaperoning a trip after the new year. There’s a competition up in Orlando and I need a few parents … or guardians … with me to watch the kids.”

“Oh, I don’t think I could take the time off work,” Evelyn said.

“Couldn’t you?” he asked, leaning in again. The seemingly soft fabric was of sweater was, indeed, incredibly soft as it brushed against her arm. “When was the last time you took a vacation?”

Honestly, Evelyn couldn’t remember. It was probably right after she started dating Ben, and that was years ago.

“I have my honeymoon coming up in May …” Even though it was going to be short, and Ben would technically be at a conference half the time.

“Oh.” Lance stepped back. “Right. But … this would be with Hannah. I think it would be a good bonding trip for you guys. And it’s in Disney World.” He took a bean from the plate and popped it in his mouth, smiling at her. “The most magical place on earth. Mmm. Good beans.”

“Disney World?” She’d avoided that place for as long as she’d lived in Florida. She’d never gone and she had no desire to. The crowds, the kids, the long lines, the heat, the kids … She really didn’t want to be around that many kids. Hannah was all she could handle, and she was a teenager, not a screaming baby.

“Yeah, you know…. Mickey, Splash Mountain, fireworks … “ he was leaning in again. “It’s fun. You’d love it.”

“If you think that, then you must not know me very well,” she said, looking up at him. He looked utterly bummed. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“It’d mean a lot to Hannah.”

“You haven’t mentioned this to her, have you?” she said in a loud whisper, pointing a potato covered ladle at him. He chuckled, shaking his head and holding his hands up in surrender.

“No. That’s why I’m asking you while she’s not here. Where did she go, anyway?”

“The wine cellar.”

“You have a wine cellar?” Lance’s eyes got wide. “Of course you do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Evelyn popped her hip. Lance noticed.

“Look, I just ...I think it would be good for you and Hannah. She’s gotten better since you started coming to practices. The fact that you’re embracing her passion … it’s making her better. If you came, she’d do better. She’d do amazing. And it would be fun.” Evelyn looked up at him. “You know… fun?” She glared. “Come with me.” He cleared his throat, scratching the back of his neck. “I mean, us. Come with us. We need you.” Evelyn sighed. “Honestly, I just need one mom … guardian … there that doesn’t act like I’m a piece of meat.” Evelyn blinked at his honesty. Lance made a face, almost as if he were ashamed. “Please come?”

“I’ll see if I can get time off work.” He beamed at her. That smile, she thought. He could make a lot of people do a lot of things with that smile.

“Excellent.” He clapped his hands together loudly. “Now! Anything I can do to help?” He asked, turning so his back was against the counter. He crossed his arms over his chest and even though the sweater wasn’t nearly as tight as the shirts he’d usually wear, his muscles still bulged beneath the soft blue fabric. Evelyn had to will herself not to look, but she couldn’t help but glance. Lance smirked at her. “Hmm?” he hummed.

“Actually …” Evelyn looked up at him with a hopeful smile. “I’m not really good at the whole carving bit.”

“I can do that,” he told her. “Got an extra apron?” Evelyn shook her head. “Do you mind if I borrow yours, then?” She shook her head again. Lance moved behind her, working on the knot at her back. He was dangerously closer to her ass, and it made Evelyn’s body heat go up a bit.

“I can do that, you know,” she told him. She felt his breathy laugh on the back of her neck and it gave her a shiver.

“I’ve got it,” he told her. He moved to stand in front of her, lifting the apron over her head. She felt his fingers brush against her curls. He smiled, dawning the apron. “How do I look?”

“Just like June Cleaver,” she quipped. Lance’s jaw dropped in jest. “Your turkey awaits.” She motioned to the turkey.

“Alright, baby. Time to get carved,” he said to the turkey, licking his lips while the scraped the fork against the knife as if he were sharpening the blade. Evelyn couldn’t help but laugh at him. And once he started, she couldn’t help but laugh at the terrible job he was doing; he wasn’t good at everything after all.

“Oh my God, Lance. What are you doing?”

“What?” he chuckled, slicing a huge piece of meat off the turkey leg.

“You don’t slice the leg!” Evelyn laughed.

“Maybe I do,” he said. “Now shh, let me work.” His tongue moved over his top lip; his brow furrowed in concentration. Evelyn leaned against the counter now, her hand covering her mouth as she stifled a laugh. “Stop laughing,” he said, pointing the knife at her.

“Watch where you point that thing!” she said with a laugh. He sheepishly pulled it back. “Here, give it to me.” She grabbed for them, but Lance pulled out of her reach.

“Uh-uh. This is my job. I’ve been given this task and I will execute it with perfection.”

“I think you’ve strayed far away from that,” Evelyn teased. Lance glared at her, his blue eyes staring into her green ones. “C’mon. Let me show you.” Evelyn held out her hand.

“Didn’t you just say you weren’t good at this?” he said to her. She just stared at him. “Fine,” he groaned, handing her the knife and fork.

“Step aside,” she told him, shooing him with the knife. He did so, but he was still very close. “You’ve got to dig dip in there,” she said, going at the turkey. Lance covered his mouth this time. “Get your head out of the gutter.”

“Easier said than done,” he quipped. “Go on, Evelyn. Get in there. Nice and deep.” She knew he was teasing, but his tone was overtly sexual and it made Evelyn’s entire body get suddenly very warm. Again. He really needed to stop doing that. “That’s it,” he teased. “Show that turkey who’s-” Some juice from the turkey squirted right onto Evelyn’s dress. “Oh shit.”

“My dress!” Evelyn dropped the knife and fork. She glared at Lance. “You’re still wearing my apron.” Lance shrugged, biting his lower lip.

“Sorry. Do you have any baking soda?”

“What?” Evelyn asked, trying to find a cloth to dab at the stain.

“Baking soda. It will help. Trust me.” Evelyn motioned to the cabinet and Lance got it out, opening it and sprinkling it on Evelyn’s stain, taking a cloth and dabbing it. It didn’t seem to cross his mind that the stain was right on her left breast.

“Whoa, whoa.” Evelyn pushed him back, grabbing the cloth. “I’ve got it.”

“Sorry.” Lance shook his head, as if he were disappointed in himself. And his cheeks looked red. Did Lance Tucker even know how to blush? Apparently so. “Where’s Hannah?”

“Is this the right wine, auntie?” Hannah called from the doorway. “Oh no! Your dress!”

“It’s fine,” Evelyn said.

“Wait … Coach Tucker, why are you wearing the apron?”

“I was carving … badly, it would seem,” the rolled on the balls of his foot, pushing his hands into the pockets of the apron. “Your aunt tried to teach me, but then the turkey got angry and attacked.”

“Ew …” Hannah grimaced.

“I’m going to finish carving, since I’m already a mess-”

“No, I’ve got it,” Lance told her. “You can go change. If you want to. I mean, you don’t have to.”

“No, I will,” Evelyn replied. She walked upstairs and into her walk-in closet. The green dress was there, practically shouting at her to put it on. Since she didn’t really have any other dressed picked out, she went with that one. The neck was a little lower than she was used to. The very tip of her cleavage showed, and she had ample cleavage. But it was tasteful. The skirt was a bit more flowy than she was used to, like it was meant for dancing. It came to right above her knee. After she put it on, she looked at herself in the mirror. Hannah was right, it did make her eyes pop.

“Who’s hungry?” she said as she descended the staircase. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Ben standing at the bottom, briefcase in hand. “Ben, what are you-”

“Whose car is that out in the driveway?” Ben asked, his voice strained.

“It’s …” Before she could answer, Ben walked towards the kitchen. Shit. Shit shit shit! Evelyn had neglected to mention that Lance was coming over. She thought it didn’t matter since he wasn’t going to be here. If she were being honest with herself, though, she didn’t mention it because she knew Ben would have refused and that would have broken Hannah’s heart.

Evelyn raced into the dining room after Ben. “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced,” Ben said to Lance, who stood up.

“No. You must be Ben. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Lance.” Lance held his hand out to him.

“Lance …”

“Coach Tucker.” He was still holding his hand out, waiting for Ben to take it.

“Oh. Right. Well, I wasn’t aware the girls were having company over for dinner.” Ben shot Evelyn a look. She’d hear about that later. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“We’re surprised, alright,” Hannah said, taking a sip of her cider.

“Why don’t you go freshen up, dear? I’ll make a setting for you.” Evelyn rubbed Ben’s shoulder, trying to calm him. Hell, she was trying to calm herself. She was suddenly a bundle of nerves. This dinner was turning out to be a disaster.

“Thank you, darling,” he said to her, pushing his cheek towards her like he did when he expected a kiss. She obliged him, but in the corner of her eye she saw Lance mouth, ‘darling?’ to Hannah and stick his tongue out. Hannah laughed. Ben looked at her and she stopped. “I’ll be down in a moment. Please, go ahead without me …”

“Oh, no, man. We can wait,” Lance said.

“How kind,” Ben replied before disappearing upstairs.

“So … that’s Ben, huh?”

“Yes. That’s Ben. Why do you say it like that?” Evelyn inquired.

“Like what? I’m just saying … I never thought I’d meet the guy.”

“Well, you just did.”

“Auntie, you’re wearing the pretty dress. Isn’t it pretty, coach?” She could feel Lance’s eyes on her and she didn’t dare look up at him.

“Very,” he replied, as if it were totally normal to compliment one of your student’s parents like that.

“Thanks,” Evelyn said, looking up at him only for a moment. His eyes looked darker than they did earlier. It must have been the lighting.

To say that dinner was awkward was the understatement of the century. Ben was cordial, but Evelyn knew him well enough to know that he was a little more than upset that they had a guest he’d never met. A very charming, very handsome guest that was alone with his fiance and his ward, as he called Hannah.

When Ben asked Lance about himself, Evelyn held her breath. She knew enough to know that this could go badly, but she hoped that Lance wouldn’t say anything unsavory in front of Hannah.

“Not too much to tell, I guess.”

“I’m sure there is. You’re an ex gymnast, right?”

“Yeah,” Lance said after swallowing a bite of turkey.

“And I think Hannah told me that you’ve won a couple of medals, am I right?”

“A few. Two golds and two silvers.”

“So why did you stop?” Ben asked. “Too old to do those little flips?”

“I suppose,” Lance replied cooley. “My hamstrings and I got into too many disagreements. So, I decided to pursue coaching. I have a lifetime of knowledge to pass down to kids like Hannah, here.” He motioned to Hannah and she beamed at him. She really did think the world of him, Evelyn thought. She prayed that Hannah never found out about his past … if she didn’t already know. Olivia had probably heard it from her mom and she was sure Olivia had passed it on. Or maybe she hadn’t. She really hoped not.

“Well, that’s noble of you. I guess it’s true what they say, huh?” Lance shot him a questioning look. “Those who can’t do, teach.” Evelyn tensed, expecting Lance to reply with something colorful or even blow up at him.

“I guess so,” Lance replied. After a moment of struggling to catch his gaze, Evelyn found it. She tried to say sorry without words, and Lance nodded at her, giving her a small smile. Ben was being such an asshole and she felt terrible about it. Lance was taking it in stride, though. That surprised her. “This turkey is really amazing, Evelyn.”

“Thank you,” she replied. “Ben, do you like it?”

“A little too moist for my taste,” Ben said. Evelyn heard Lance bite back a laugh. She nudged him with her foot under the table. Leave it to Tucker to be totally calm and cool when someone was insulting him, but lose it when somebody made an unintentional sexual innuendo. Lance nudged her back and she glared at him. He gave her a little wink and she held her breath, praying that Ben didn’t notice.

“I think it’s great, auntie,” Hannah said. Ben looked at Hannah. “I mean, aunt Evelyn.” Ben thought the word ‘auntie’ was too childish for a teenager to use. And unladylike.

“What is it that you do, Ben?” Lance asked. Oh great … here we go, Evelyn thought. Ben went on for ten minutes about his job, using unnecessarily big words to try to confuse Lance. But Lance didn’t falter. He listened intently, or at least he feigned interest. Either way, he shocked her.

When Hannah and Lance talked excitedly about her progress, Evelyn sat and listened while Ben went to his phone. “Ben, come on… it’s Thanksgiving.”

“I know. I’m here, aren’t I? I just have to answer this email.”

“Fine,” she said defeatedly. “I’m going to go get the dessert. Lance, will you help me?”

“All you need to do is-” he stopped when he saw the look in her eyes. “Yeah. Coming.” He got up and followed her into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, Lance. I had no idea he was coming.”

“What? It’s fine.” Lance shrugged his shoulders. “You’ve got a real winner, there.”

“He’s just … on edge. He wasn’t expecting you. And for you to be …” Evelyn motioned to Lance. “You.”

“What do you mean for me to be me?” Lance asked, a small smile playing at the corner of his lips. He stepped closer to Evelyn, reaching for the tinfoil of the dish.

“I just mean that if you came home to your fiance having dinner with a man that you’d never met and that man looked like you, wouldn’t you feel a bit insecure?”

“A man that looks like me …” the smile widened.

“Oh, cut the crap, Lance,” Evelyn groaned, ripping the tin foil. “You’re fully aware of how you look.”

“I am.” He took one step closer, his gaze searing into Evelyn from above her. “I just wasn’t aware that you were … aware.”

“Well,” Evelyn pulled back and started putting the lemon bars on a serving plate. “That’s because you’re not my type.”

“No?” he asked.

“Definitely not.”

“I guess that’s not surprising, seeing as you’re engaged to Mr. Roboto out there.” Her brow furrowed. “You know, you’re going to go blind from glaring at me so much.”

“Well, maybe if you’d stop saying things that piss me off we wouldn’t have a problem!” She took a lemon square and bit into it. Suddenly, the anger she had subsided as she was whisked away onto a perfect cloud of lemony goodness. She closed her eyes, humming.

“Good, huh?” he asked. She opened her eyes to find him smiling at her. “Told you they were delicious.” He popped one in his mouth, humming in response. Her body felt hot again, but she was sure it was the anger this time. That’s all it was.

“They’re okay.”

“Ha! Liar … you love them.”

“I don’t.”

“You do,” he teased, stepping closer to her again. “Admit it. You love my bars.” She blinked at him. “C’mon …” he motioned with his hand. “Admit it.”

“They’re … fine.”

“Fine? No. My chocolate chip cookies are fine. My lemon bars are divine.”

“Fine …. They’re really good.” Lance made a triumphant gesture with his fist. “Okay? Happy?”

“Very. Now, let’s see if these will make Ben smile.”

Spoiler alert. They didn’t. But, dessert meant the night was almost over and that made everyone happy. After dessert, Lance made an excuse that he had to be up early tomorrow for practice. When Hannah said she thought the gym was closed, he let out a nervous laugh and said he was going because the gym was being cleaned and he had to be there. Quick thinking, Evelyn thought. She knew it was a lie, but she didn’t blame him. She wanted out, too.

She thanked him for coming. Hannah gave him a hug. Ben gave him a sturdy handshake. And then he was gone.

“Well, that was … interesting,” Hannah said. “I’m going to bed.”

“It’s 4:30,” Evelyn replied.

“What I meant was, I’m going to my room. They’re having a marathon of all the Friends Thanksgiving episodes.”

“You know the role, Hannah. Only one hour of TV a night,” Ben told her.

“C’mon, Ben. It’s a holiday.” Evelyn pleaded with him with her eyes.

“Fine. But after the last episode, no more.”

“Yes, sir.”

Evelyn braced herself for a tirade. But Ben was unexpectedly calm. In fact, he was too calm. And too quiet. He barely said a word to her before he excused himself to go to bed, saying his jetlag was catching up with him. Once he was gone, Evelyn went upstairs to ask Hannah to come down and join her for the Friends marathon.

“You okay, aunt Evelyn?” she asked after a while.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, Ben didn’t know about coach Tucker …”

“No.”

“He seemed pretty pissed about it. Did he yell at you?”

“No. Why would you-”

“It’s just that sometimes I can hear him yell at you,” Hannah said softly. “And I hear you yell back.”

“Hannah …” Evelyn had no idea that Hannah heard them. Were they that loud? And did they fight that much? She felt awful.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” She got up. “I can go back upstairs now.”

“No, please stay,” Evelyn pleaded, patting the couch. “It’s Thanksgiving … we should be with family.”

“Okay,” Hannah said with a small smile, sitting beside her. “I liked having coach Tucker over. Even if it was kind of a disaster.”

“Me, too.”

#lance tucker #lance tucker fan fiction #Sebastian stan #Sebastian stan fan fiction

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brainyxbat · 6 years

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Everything

Movie: Epic (Blue Sky Studios)

Couple: Finn x Venus (OC)

Premise: “What do you like about me?” “Everything.” Some random, sweet Finnus fluff.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance

Word Count: 1,384

This is just a random oneshot that I thought of, and had to write.

Finn Wilson walked into his hut with his fiancee, Venus Woods, right behind him after a date; the orange-bearded man was feeling more than a little peeved, while the raven/grass-haired young woman was on the verge of bursting into tears. He's not angry at her, of course; Finn loves Venus with all his heart, and vice versa, for as long as they've been dating. That's why he had asked her to marry him, and she had said yes. It's just that Tracy, a former Leafwoman discharged for bullying, had decided that Venus, a sweet angel of a soldier, wasn't worthy of being spared of her insults. She stabbed the kind girl in the heart with words such as “You're an ugly, stupid little mushroom who's going to die alone; your boyfriend's going to leave you for me”, and they hit hard.

Tracy had long, blonde hair with seemingly no tangles, smooth skin with a slight tan that made Venus look like a snowman, and light purple eyes like amethysts. Not to mention she was of average height, had a perfect figure, and looked good in everything she owned. Venus' skin was an ivory white as if she had never even seen any form of sunlight, black bat-like ears sat close to her scalp, her hair was a ghastly black, and faded into a contrasting green, a shaggy fringe laid over the left side of her forehead, while much longer bangs draped over the right side of her face, completely covering old rot scars that made her feel hideous (or more so, from her point of view), her eyes were like emeralds, lined with long, black eyelashes and green wing-like markings, and were always filled with love. Or, almost always. At the moment, they were filled with tears of emotional pain. One thing that she's quite insecure about is her height; her fellow soldiers tower over her, even the women, and she's concerned that Finn will become a hunchback from how he has to lean down to kiss her.

“I'm going to tell Ronin about Tracy's behavior as soon as possible,” Finn promised, “She's not getting away with any of those things she said, you can count on that, Venus.” He didn't receive any verbal relief from her. Not a single word. “Venus?” He turned to his fiancee, and his heart broke when he saw her hugging herself, her gaze locked to her feet, and heard sniffles. She was crying. “Oh, Venus.” He knelt down to her level, and wiped her tears from her left eye with his thumb, his hand cupping her cheek. “Don't listen to her; you're not ugly, or stupid, and I wouldn't leave you for anyone or anything.”

“But she's so much better than me,” She mumbled, as her fiance stroked her hair, “She's prettier, smarter... and taller. You can do better than me.”

“Venus,” Finn gently guided her to his, no their bed, where he sat down to look her in the eye, his gentle hands on her shoulders, “Tracy is not better than you. You're the most beautiful girl in Moonhaven, being a child at heart does not mean you're stupid, and your short height makes you adorable.” She shook her head in disagreement, looking down again, as more tears fell. “Yes it does. Venus, Tracy only cares about herself, while you always put others first. Like I said when I proposed to you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.” He tucked her chin, so she would look at him. “Don't let Tracy push you down; she's only putting herself lower by hurting others like this. And I can't do better than you, because that's not possible. There's no one better than you in existence. You're the one for me, and you always will be; I'll love you until the day I die.” He kissed her forehead over her soft bangs. “Okay, princess?” He waited for her answer, but she merely sniffled and wiped her eye. “Venus?”

She averted her gaze for a moment, then gave in. “Okay. I, I love you too.” She sat in his lap, and they shared a tight, comforting hug, “You really meant all those things?”

“Every word,” Finn rubbed her back, as she nestled her head under his chin, “You're the best girlfriend I've ever had, and I won't give you up for anything.” Venus leaned back, so he could see her face; her cheeks were still a little flushed, with some tear streaks. He wiped them away, then lowered his hand to her shoulder. “Now, can I see that beautiful smile?” She didn't move. “Venus? Can I see it please?” He brushed her cheek lovingly with the backs of his fingers, but she still looked solemn. “Well Venus, if you're not going to smile for me willingly, I guess I'll have to make you.” His heart jumped a bit when he saw the corners of her tiny lips twitch upward, before she clapped her hands over her mouth, being playful. “Oh, that's how it's going to be, huh?” Finn cracked his fingers behind her back with a devious smirk; he then grabbed her sides over her shirt, and started tickling her.

Venus immediately burst into giggles, muffled by her tiny hands, as she fell forward on his chest. She moved her hands from her to face to grip his arms, preventing herself from falling. She squealed when Finn's sneaky hands shifted up her shirt, and moved up and down her bare sides. Having known her since she was a little girl, he knew where she was the most sensitive. “St-stohohohop, stop ihehehehit!” She laughed.

Finn stopped his tickle attack, feeling satisfied, as she looked up at him with a giggling grin. “There it is,” He kissed her cheek.

They were soon on the bed together, feeling fully relaxed. He was sitting up, his back to the wall, as she laid on his strong, broad chest. He was brushing his fingers through her long, silky hair, and running his hand along her back, soothing her with his gentle, loving touch. As Venus felt Finn kiss the top of her head, his lips lingering for a moment, she started to think: What exactly was so appealing about her? She just couldn't think of herself as a girl good enough for Finn. From her perspective, he's the most handsome man in all of Moonhaven; surely he can do better than her. Now itching to ask, she sat up to face her fiance. “Um, Finn?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“... What do you like about me?”

He smiled adoringly at her, before responding. “Everything.” He kissed her lips for a second. “You're sweet, adorable, and you care more about others than yourself. You're such a hard worker when we're out in the field, battling boggans. You're fun to be around, and like I said earlier, your height makes you even cuter.” A shy blush formed on her cheeks. “And you're so beautiful. Your skin is like freshly-fallen snow,” He lightly tickled her arm, making her giggle quietly, “Your hair is so lovely, it looks pretty even after you're just waking up,” He brushed some strands over her shoulder, “Your eyes are like emeralds sparkling in the sun,” He cupped her cheek again, and rubbed just under her eye, feeling her eyelashes on his thumb, “You have a beautiful voice,” He tickled her neck and chin, making her shrug with a cute smile, “And lastly, I love your laugh,” He poked at her sides a few times; she hunched over laughing, and pushed his hands away.

Venus then rested back on his shoulder. “Thanks,” She almost whispered.

“No problem,” He kissed her forehead, “Now, what do you like about me?”

She giggled, then put his question in consideration. “Everything. You're very sweet, handsome, and you care about everyone here.”

“Especially you,” He petted her ombre tresses.

She then continued, her tiny hand in his own hair. “You're the best captain we've ever had in the Leafmen army, because you're serious about your position, and won't let anyone kiss up to you. You're fun, and... I love your adorable freckles.” She playfully squished his cheeks, which were indeed dotted with freckles; he chuckled at her silliness, and pushed her hands away as she giggled. “I... I love how your beard tickles my chin when we kiss.” She pecked his lips. “And... I love your laugh.” She dug her thin, wiggling fingers in his ribs and stomach over his shirt, and he started squirming.

“V-Venus!” He laughed, shrugging as she went for his neck, sides, and shoulders, even his chest. “Stop it! Hahahaha!”

She stopped her playful attack, and rested her forehead on his, with her hands on his cheeks. “I love everything about you.”

“Ditto.” They shared a kiss for a few seconds, his hands on her back, and in her hair. After they separated, he smiled when she yawned, and rubbed her eye in a child-like manner. “Looks like it's a certain princess' bedtime,” He chuckled.

“Yeah,” She giggled, “Let's go to bed.”

After they were in their pajamas, (Finn simple dark green pants; Venus green shorts and a black tank top that showed a bit of her tummy) the engaged couple were back in bed, and in each other's arms. Venus was on the verge of falling asleep, when she felt Finn's hand on her back, where it was bared; she couldn't help but flinch and yelp, gaining his attention. “What's wrong?” He tried not to smile, but it was difficult.

“Your hand's cold!” She giggled.

He chuckled, then cupped his hands over his mouth to heat the palms up with his breath, then held her again. “Better?” He smirked playfully.

“Yep,” She smirked back, “Thanks.” She kissed his cheek, close to his neck.

“No problem.” He let out a yawn. “Okay, let's get some sleep. I need to be up earlier, being captain of the Leafmen.”

“Mm hmm,” She nodded, “G'night, Finn.”

“G'night, princess,” He kissed her soft hair, as she drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

Finn firmed his embrace on her, rubbing her back soothingly. Words couldn't express how much he loved Venus. His past girlfriends had used him for their own benefit; whether it'd be for his good looks, or his high position in the army. The soldiers would try to be promoted by kissing up to him, but he refused; soldiers are only promoted when they're hard-working and determined. Basically, they played with his feelings for selfish reasons. Venus, on the other hand, loves him for who he is; she's working hard (with her own effort) to move up the ranks, and she doesn't treat his heart like a toy. She truly is the best girlfriend he's ever had, and he vowed to make her his only fiancee and wife. He wanted to be with her forever.

And be with her forever, he shall.

#epic 2013 #Finn the Leafman #epic oc #venus woods #oc x canon #fluff #what do you like about me #everything #epic fanfic #fanfiction

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luxrestate60518 · 8 years

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HUFFPOST HILL - Better Angels Of Our Nature Totally Cuck House GOP

Joe Biden reminded everyone why he might be the closest thing humanity has to a walking, talking “tfw” joke. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are moving two blocks from the Obamas’ future home, though nobody is discussing their proximity to a nearby Islamic center for some reason. And a bunch of Hillary Clinton staffers have been recruited to run rapid response at the DNC, because what the opposition really needs are more black-and-white videos of Jonah Hill in a heather gray sweater solemnly telling us how much we need the individual mandate. This is HUFFPOST HILL for Tuesday, January 3rd, 2017:

GOP IN GISARRAY - The real loser in all of this is Rep. Blake Farenthold, who will now have that picture of himself dressed in duckling PJs re-broadcast to the world (see below!). Matt Fuller and Paige Lavender: “After a torrent of bad headlines, countless phone calls to member offices, and two tweets from President-elect Donald Trump, House Republicans dropped their plans to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics Tuesday, just minutes before the House was set to gavel in for the 115th Congress and adopt their rules package for the next two years. The amendment ― authored by Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) ― would have placed the independent congressional ethics office under the oversight of the House Ethics Committee, changed the OCE’s name and barred the office from releasing reports to the public. In effect, it would have neutered Congress’ most aggressive watchdog. The decision to strip the Goodlatte amendment came just before noon on Tuesday as Republicans planned to begin the 115th Congress. Earlier in the day, responding to numerous news reports about Republicans gutting the OCE, Trump asked in a tweet whether Republicans really had to make the ‘weakening’ of the ethics office their first order of business, though he also didn’t necessarily come out against the idea of eventually overhauling the OCE.” [HuffPost]

Read HuffPost’s Ryan Grim on what made this whole snafu truly important: It proved that Congress will still react to public outrage.

We just want to see Sandy Levin in Snapchat Spectacles: “Several Democrats took pictures on the House floor as the chamber held a quorum call to kick off the 115th Congress — a violation of House rules that Republicans want to start punishing with a fine of up to $2,500…. Taking photos or recording video on the House floor has been a longstanding violation of House rules, but the fine is something new Republicans are proposing this year as a delayed reaction to Democrats’ June sit-in on the House floor protesting gun violence. During the sit-in, Democrats used their cell phones to record video of their speeches and chants and took photos of themselves and their colleagues after Republicans turned off the CSPAN cameras that provide live access to the floor.” [Roll Call’s Lindsey McPherson]

Watch this video of our HuffPost DC colleagues reading mean tweets.

HERE’S SOME SWEET, SWEET CUD FOR FINANCIAL SERVICES DEMOCRATS TO CHEW ON - Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing before Senate Banking is quickly becoming our second-most anticipated confirmation hearing. David Dayen: “OneWest Bank, which Donald Trump’s treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin ran from 2009 to 2015, repeatedly broke California’s foreclosure laws during that period, according to a previously undisclosed 2013 memo from top prosecutors in the state attorney general’s office. The memo obtained by The Intercept alleges that OneWest rushed delinquent homeowners out of their homes by violating notice and waiting period statutes, illegally backdated key documents, and effectively gamed foreclosure auctions. In the memo, the leaders of the state attorney general’s Consumer Law Section said they had ‘uncovered evidence suggestive of widespread misconduct’ in a yearlong investigation. In a detailed 22-page request, they identified over a thousand legal violations in the small subsection of OneWest loans they were able to examine, and they recommended that Attorney General Kamala Harris file a civil enforcement action against the Pasadena-based bank. They even wrote up a sample legal complaint, seeking injunctive relief and millions of dollars in penalties.” [The Intercept]

BLACK PEOPLE WORRIED ABOUT JEFF SESSIONS FOR SOME REASON - But some of his best friends are ― oh, they aren’t? Lilly Workneh: “The NAACP is staging a sit-in protest at the office of U.S. Sen. Jeff Sessions in Mobile, Alabama to speak out against his nomination by President-elect Donald Trump for attorney general. Several leaders of the civil rights organization have thus far participated in the protest, which kicked off Tuesday morning, including NAACP President Cornell William Brooks, and Alabama state NAACP President Benard Simelton. Brooks posted a tweet Tuesday morning declaring that he will continue to occupy the office until the protest results in either Sessions’ withdrawal or their arrest.” [HuffPost]

Like HuffPost Hill? Then order Eliot’s new book, The Beltway Bible: A Totally Serious A-Z Guide To Our No-Good, Corrupt, Incompetent, Terrible, Depressing, and Sometimes Hilarious Government

Does somebody keep forwarding you this newsletter? Get your own copy. It’s free! Sign up here. Send tips/stories/photos/events/fundraisers/job movement/juicy miscellanea to [email protected]. Follow us on Twitter - @HuffPostHill

THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU ‘DANGEROUS DONALD’ SOMEHOW GIVEN JOB - Listen closely to the wind and you can hear the anguished typing of a million Bernie Bros. Philip Rucker: “The Democratic National Committee is building a ‘war room’ to battle President-elect Donald Trump, pressure the new Republican administration on a variety of policy matters and train a spotlight on Russia’s alleged cyberattacks to influence the 2016 election…. The DNC’s new communications and research operation, to be staffed by former aides to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign, will be one of several efforts from across the Democratic firmament to take on Trump, including the office of Senate Minority Leader Charles E. Schumer (D-N.Y.), the Center for American Progress and American Bridge.” [WaPo]

TRUMP DUBAI HOTEL OPENING TO PROVIDE FRESH CONFLICT OF INTEREST - It’s been a whole five minutes since the last ethical challenge. Jon Gambrell: “The Trump International Golf Club in Dubai — the sheikhdom in the United Arab Emirates home to a futuristic skyline crowned by the world’s tallest building — is due to open in February and be managed by Trump Organization employees. It is set inside Akoya, a massive housing development of 2,600 villas and 7,000 apartments developed by Dubai-based luxury real estate DAMAC Properties. Another Trump-managed golf course is planned for another even larger DAMAC project under development further down the road. Billionaire Hussain Sajwani, who founded DAMAC Properties in 2002, met Trump some 10 years ago and the two men hit it off over their real estate experiences, said Niall McLoughlin, a senior vice president for communications and marketing at the firm…. Sajwani and his family also attended a New Year’s Eve party at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago club in Florida, with the incoming president describing them from on stage as ‘the most beautiful people from Dubai.’” [AP]

‘JOEY NO SOCKS’ - Such good swamp-draining news today. Chris Sommerfeldt: “President-elect Donald Trump rang in the new year together with Joseph ‘Joey No Socks’ Cinque — a convicted felon with ties to notorious Gambino crime family boss John Gotti, a recently released video has revealed. Cinque can be seen in a video obtained by the Palm Beach Daily News, cheering loudly as a tuxedo-clad Trump runs through a number of campaign promises before the hundreds of guests attending the New Year’s Eve bash the President-elect threw at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida on Saturday. ‘The taxes are coming down, regulations are coming off, we’re going to get rid of Obamacare,’ Trump can be heard saying as an exuberant Cinque stands next to him, pumping his fists into the air.” [Daily News]

‘WHAT ABOUT CHICAGO?’ TROLLING NOW FEDERAL POLICY - “President-elect Donald Trump said Monday that if Mayor Rahm Emanuel can’t turn the tide on Chicago’s soaring murder rate, Washington may need to step in. Trump, who frequently cited Chicago’s violence during the presidential campaign, tweeted about The Windy City a day after the Chicago Police Department released year-end crime stats showing homicide numbers that dwarfed those of New York and Los Angeles combined. “Chicago murder rate is record setting - 4,331 shooting victims with 762 murders in 2016. If Mayor can’t do it he must ask for Federal help!” Trump tweeted.” [Fox News]

MEGYN KELLY HEADING TO NBC NEWS - We suppose it would be too much to ask for Shep Smith to get Kelly’s spot…. Michael Calderone: “Fox News host Megyn Kelly is leaving the cable news network for NBC News, the network announced Tuesday. Kelly will take on multiple roles at NBC. She’ll host a one-hour daytime talk show airing Monday through Friday and a Sunday evening news magazine show, and will contribute on breaking news stories and NBC’s coverage of major political and special events. ‘Megyn is an exceptional journalist and news anchor, who has had an extraordinary career,’ Andrew Lack, chairman of the NBCUniversal News Group, said in a release. ‘She’s demonstrated tremendous skill and poise, and we’re lucky to have her.’ The departure is a major blow to Fox News, where Kelly hosted a top-rated 9 p.m. show and was considered a key part of the network’s future. In a Facebook post, Kelly said she was ‘incredibly enriched for the experiences’ she had in a dozen years at Fox News.” [HuffPost]

Can you even begin to imagine this neighborhood listserv: “[M]ultiple real-estate sources say [Ivanka] Trump and husband Jared Kushner will move into 2449 Tracy Pl. NW, in Kalorama. That will put the couple less than two blocks from the Obamas, who will reportedly move here post-White House.” [Washingtonian’s Marisa Kashino]

THINGS STAY THE SAME - Once again, Heath Shuler was denied his place in history. John Bresnahan and Kyle Cheney: “House Republicans overwhelmingly reelected Paul Ryan on Tuesday to another term as speaker of the House. Only one — Rep. Thomas Massie (R-Ky.) — voted against him…. On the other side of the aisle, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi saw four defections in her own caucus: Rep. Jim Cooper (D-Tenn.) voted for fellow Ohio Democrat Tim Ryan, and Rep. Ron Kind (D-Wisc.) voted for Cooper. Rep. Kathleen Rice (D-New York) also voted for Tim Ryan, and Rep. Kyrsten Sinema (D-Ariz.) voted for Rep. John Lewis.” [Politico]

*Insert Illuminati joke here* “Former President Bill Clinton and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton will attend President-elect Donald Trump’s inauguration later this month, aides to both Clintons told CNN on Tuesday. Former President George W. Bush and former first lady Laura Bush will also attend, the 43rd president’s office said in a statement Tuesday.” [CNN’S Dan Merica and Theodore Schleifer]

THE GOP’S OBAMACARE CLOWN SHOW HAS BEGUN - Congress officially took the first procedural step Tuesday to unravel the health law, and Republicans still have no clue what the final step will be. Noam Levey: “Congressional Republicans, despite pledging to quickly repeal the Affordable Care Act, are struggling with what parts of the law to roll back and how to lock up the votes they will need, particularly in the Senate, to push their ambitious plans. Settling these questions may delay any major repeal vote for months. Just as importantly, a protracted debate could force President-elect Donald Trump and GOP lawmakers to preserve parts of the healthcare law they once swore to eliminate. And this all must be resolved before they even turn to the question of how to replace the law.” [LA Times]

TRUMP CAMP PROMISES PRESS CONFERENCE FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME - He totally won’t back out again, you guys. Callum Borchers: “Donald Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway told CNN on Monday that the president-elect will probably hold a news conference Jan. 11. ‘I know that’s the current plan,’ Conway said, sounding less than certain. Let’s not forget that a September event originally billed as a news conference turned out to be an infomercial for Trump’s new D.C. hotel — capped by a brief concession that President Obama was, in fact, born in the United States. And last month’s long-planned news conference was scrapped just days beforehand. So plans can change. Assuming Trump does follow through next week, his news conference drought will end at 168 days — a staggeringly long stretch for a man who once constantly held court with reporters and seemed to view the interactions as a kind of sport.” [WaPo]

CONGRESS LOVES JESUS MORE THAN AMERICA DOES - Science says so. Eliza Collins: “Lawmakers in Congress are overwhelmingly Christian, more even than the America they represent. Nine out of 10 members the new House and Senate (91%) sworn in Tuesday describe themselves as members of the Christian faith, according to a survey released by Pew Research Center Tuesday. The number of Christians in Congress is higher than the number of Americans who identify as Christian. That number has been declining in recent decades. Between the early 1970s and 90s the number hovered around 90% but by early 2000 it had dropped to around 80%. According to a spokeswoman from Pew, that number continues to decrease.” [USA Today]

BECAUSE YOU’VE READ THIS FAR - Here is a dog being shamed about its snoring.

BREAKING RICHARD NIXON NEWS - Peter Baker: “Richard M. Nixon told an aide that they should find a way to secretly ‘monkey wrench’ peace talks in Vietnam in the waning days of the 1968 campaign for fear that progress toward ending the war would hurt his chances for the presidency, according to newly discovered notes. In a telephone conversation with H. R. Haldeman, who would go on to become White House chief of staff, Nixon gave instructions that a friendly intermediary should keep ‘working on’ South Vietnamese leaders to persuade them not to agree to a deal before the election, according to the notes, taken by Mr. Haldeman.” [NYT]

COMFORT FOOD

- Auctioneers set over rap beats.

- Tsunamis are terrifying.

- The worst (best?) moments of the English-to-Mandarin-to-English translation of “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”

TWITTERAMA

@mattyglesias: Web traffic is back! Vacation and family togetherness are fine, but clicks are what matters most.

@MEPFuller: Hey but remember when House Republicans were all Let’s-make-sure-the-public-has-a-chance-to-read-and-weigh-in-on-congressional-action?

lol

@jonlovett: Maybe a moratorium

A moratorium

On videos of celebrities with serious faces

Serious faces

Not saying forever

But

But just for now

For now

Got something to add? Send tips/quotes/stories/photos/events/fundraisers/job movement/juicy miscellanea to Eliot Nelson ([email protected])

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realestate63141 · 8 years

Text

HUFFPOST HILL - Better Angels Of Our Nature Totally Cuck House GOP

Read HuffPost’s Ryan Grim on what made this whole snafu truly important: It proved that Congress will still react to public outrage.

Watch this video of our HuffPost DC colleagues reading mean tweets.

Like HuffPost Hill? Then order Eliot’s new book, The Beltway Bible: A Totally Serious A-Z Guide To Our No-Good, Corrupt, Incompetent, Terrible, Depressing, and Sometimes Hilarious Government

BECAUSE YOU’VE READ THIS FAR - Here is a dog being shamed about its snoring.

COMFORT FOOD

- Auctioneers set over rap beats.

- Tsunamis are terrifying.

- The worst (best?) moments of the English-to-Mandarin-to-English translation of “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”

TWITTERAMA

@mattyglesias: Web traffic is back! Vacation and family togetherness are fine, but clicks are what matters most.

@MEPFuller: Hey but remember when House Republicans were all Let’s-make-sure-the-public-has-a-chance-to-read-and-weigh-in-on-congressional-action?

lol

@jonlovett: Maybe a moratorium

A moratorium

On videos of celebrities with serious faces

Serious faces

Not saying forever

But

But just for now

For now

Got something to add? Send tips/quotes/stories/photos/events/fundraisers/job movement/juicy miscellanea to Eliot Nelson ([email protected])

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

from DIYS http://ift.tt/2i7BZVA

#DIYS

0 notes