#oc:mahi'a

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #3 Temper

[Date: Present Day]

It felt as if the ability to remain calm was rapidly slipping away from Mahi’a.

Calm… calm. Their definition of calm was not quite the typical, none would be able to claim Mahi’a had remained truly calm these past few weeks. Tears they could put up with, the overwhelming panic, the crippling sense of being trapped with no possibility of altering the situation themselves -

Awful, and yet they passed. The underlying sadness remained, of course, only without being faced by the same horrors it was… tolerable.

But the anger.

Mahi’a had made themselves leave the house to cool down, finding a quieter spot in the Lavender Beds to relax, or at least attempt to. They couldn’t allow themselves to get angry, nothing good ever came from that. People typically got hurt.

“Like Gryphic.”

The reminder was the opposite of what they needed, the anger they had painstakingly bottled away flaring up. Bright strokes of levin flickered over their knuckles in response, and they planted their palms against the grass to help discharge the aether they had stolen.

He deserved it, a thought Mahi’a was surprised to attribute to themselves. He did deserve it, Mahi’a hadn’t known how to react after any attempt to reason with him had been so blatantly ignored. They’d wanted to hurt him more, and a part of them wished they had.

None of this was Mahi’a’s fault. Not Gryphic, not the ship, anything they had done to them.

“Not Needle’s death?”

“Not even that,” they confirmed aloud. “I - it was an accident. They are the ones who made me capable of it.”

“It was your decision. The right decision, avoid what you’re capable of and you’ll always be playing the victim, pitied and cast aside.”

Mahi’a didn’t want to acknowledge it, nor did they want to admit how it rang true.

By the time they returned to the house the moon had risen higher yet into the sky, far more bells having passed than they initially intended. Still, they felt better in one way or another.

The scorched and wilted grass betrayed the temporary nature of Mahi’a’s efforts, yet without any onlookers they were free to continue pretending otherwise.

[yraelxiv]

What tragic horror character trope are you?

for Mahi’a -

the ghost 

it's an odd thing, to feel so far from grounded and yet trapped, tethered, unable to escape. there's more you have to do! so why can't you move? i'm sure you have an answer to that, at the very least in the back of your mind. people love to say that ghosts hold grudges or haunt for revenge but they always get it wrong; you're stuck because something or someone chained you down and left you there. you try and reach out to all those bright people who pass through your life, but it rarely feels like it does much more than knock a cup off the table, blow some papers into the air. i need you to trust me- they see it. they're listening. they'll keep looking for you and, eventually, they'll be able to see you too.

oh :(

lovely neoma tagged me and pretty much everyone i know SO we are all having fun times. quiz.

[yraelxiv]

No matter how many books they searched through, they were not going to find the answer. Not the right answer. 

Not the answer Mahi’a wanted, and at the end of the day, what else mattered?

They’d sprawled out on the floor of their room, only having returned back a few hours previously, discarded papers crackling as they reached over for yet another of the notebooks they’d pulled down off the shelves.

The more they read, the more they grew to understand the real dilemma in their mind. It wasn’t a case of looking for reasoning of why they should, it was to be convinced otherwise. To have some form of evidence make them recoil from the idea altogether, wondering how it could have crossed their mind in the first place. Certainly, there were plenty of arguments against it, yet none of them truly stuck. Nothing unique, no first hand experience urging others not to go down the same path.

It’s all flimsy at best. What do they know? 

“Nothing, apparently. It feels as if they’ve simply been warned by someone else, and them by another… they don’t really know,” Mahi’a murmured, notebook held above his head as he scanned over its contents.

Hardly enough to follow, the only way to be sure is to take matters into your own hands.You know more than enough to avoid the worst case scenario - whatever that may be.

It wasn’t the worst idea. They did feel more justified in the idea, more arguments to support it flooding into their mind. They’d done much worse in the past, after all, absorbing aether from other people. Doing so from voidsent was a step away from the ledge, if anything.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #2 Bolt

[Date: 2, Seventh Astral Era]

“Mahi’a…”

It wasn’t difficult for Aurrine’s voice to carry through the tiny apartment, bright and cheery despite the dusting of snow that still clung to her hair and clothing. Allowing that to dampen her mood in Ishgard of all places would be a fatal flaw.

What did prompt a frown on her delicate features was the lack of a response.

The Elezen sighed and took her time setting her thick outerwear aside, eyes wandering over the entrance hall to check for any sign of her companion’s presence. Their coat still took up residence in the far corner, crumpled into a remarkably irritating heap, indicating that they were around somewhere.

Not that it would be the first time they’d ran off for some errand or another without it.

“Mahi’a?” she called out again, prepared to conduct her search now that her shoes had carefully been set aside. It was possible they were sleeping, she’d yet to decipher the seemingly nonsensical schedule they kept, but they’d already been proved a remarkably light sleeper at the best of times. “Some sign of life would be appreciated, Mahi’a.”

The living quarters were empty, no Miqo’te in sight. She briefly considered checking the kitchen, then swiftly rolled her eyes at the notion. If they were anywhere close to it, the noise alone would have pointed out their location as soon as she returned home.

“If you’re not here, and I’m making a fool out of myself to our neighbours for no reason at all, I’ll -” Aurrine stopped the coming threat in its tracks as she rounded the corner into the dimly lit bedroom.

Seeing Mahi’a sat in the middle of the room brought some relief, not that she had truly assumed they were lost in any fashion - well. Even if they were, they had a habit of working things out eventually. It was immediately obvious what they had been doing, the sheet laid out before them littered with tools along with their rifle, fiddling with a small object between their fingers.

“Not on the bed, for once,” she grumbled, not at all seriously, making her way around them to light the lantern that sat upon the nearby table. “I suppose I should be grateful - Mahi’a,” she added sharply, noting the continued ignorance on their part.

It did the trick, Mahi’a’s head quickly turning to view her, wide red eye meeting her green pair. Aurrine couldn’t help but laugh at their sudden alarm, kneeling down to press a kiss into their hair. Closer now, in the brightened room, she could now make out the small metallic item held between their fingers.

And she paused thoughtfully.

“I take it that is meant to be in there?” she asked softly, very careful to avoid any hint of judgment in her tone.

Even without it, she felt their shoulders sag and her quiet laughter quickly returned, only to rise in volume as Mahi’a tossed the piece aside with a groan.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #18 Disquiet

[Date: Present Day]

Dad -

It’s been quite a while that I’ve owed you a response, and I am sorry it has taken so long. Unfortunately - or fortunately? - I’ve found myself busier than anticipated, and for more than my own work for once! It does mean I will have a lot to catch up on, but I suppose that is a small price to pay.

While I’d love to tell you all of the details now, I’m afraid it will have to wait until the company and I are finished with our current contract. Would you mind if we arranged to meet once this is over? Explaining everything in person will be much easier.

This is briefer than I’d like, I only wanted you to know that I was thinking of you despite everything.

Mahi’a

Aneir’a read the letter several times over, lingering by the wall to avoid the worst of the snow blown in from the road beyond, conflicted over what the appropriate response should be.

On one hand, he was relieved. He’d been proven wrong, this was unlike the periods of silence in the past. Back then, Mahi’a’s contact had simply dropped out of existence for several moons on end, restarting out of nowhere as if nothing had happened at all. It was exhausting, yet there was little he could complain about. Any contact was good.

And yet, on the other hand, the brevity was a strange development. Half measures were not something Mahi’a often partook in, busy or not, they dedicated themselves entirely to a task until their attention waned. The letters he had received in the past often proved this in many ways, if it were not the detailed accounts of their adventures it was the length of the letters themselves, essays that Aneir’a was somehow running out of room to store. He supposed it would not be an issue with this one.

Tucking it into his coat, he frowned in thought. There was likely no point inquiring via his next letter, if this was anything to go by, and so it would be left until they could speak face to face. No doubt Mahi’a would still attempt to evade any questions, but Aneir’a wouldn’t allow his concerns to remain unsaid.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #8 Tepid

[Date: 1559, Sixth Astral Era]

Crimson eyes narrowed while watching the scene ahead, though Aneir’a made sure not to intervene. There was always the possibility, however slim it may seem now, that the small hope he clung on to would be realised.

It had been a challenging few moons. Or had it been a year? He struggled to keep track of how much time had passed, his life consumed by the infant under his care. His care. That part rung more true than he ever would have anticipated, distinctly recalling the… event that had transpired not long after their son’s birth. He did suppose it was only natural that a mother would be disappointed when gifted a son rather than a daughter, yet he had not quite expected her to outright refuse the child.

Simply keeping him alive had been one of the greatest challenges Aneir’a had ever faced, healthy was… He would rather not think of it, unless an issue was immediately present then acknowledging his worries would only cause further stress.

Mahi had her moments of interest, each one bringing a sliver of anticipation. Perhaps this would finally be the time she took to him?

For now, Mahi’a slept peacefully in his mothers arms, caring not for the strife that plagued his parents.

He didn’t even wake as Mahi finally sighed, holding the child back out to Aneir’a. As her grip loosened, he finally darted forwards to take the child from her hold.

“Careful,” he warned softly, cradling Mahi’a close to his chest. “Are you sure you don’t want to spend a little more time with him? He will likely sleep for a short while, it’s a perfect time for you to rest together.”

Disinterest was written upon Mahi’s face, up until she replaced it with a small smile. Trying to make Aneir’a worry less, he assumed.

“Later, perhaps. For now there is plenty I need to be doing.”

It had been a while since Aneir’a had been surprised by such a reaction, yet the disappointment was as strong as ever. He worried, likely far more than he ever should. Was this not a thing to be concerned about? He felt as if it was something he’d heard in passing previously, a mother’s detachment following the birth of their child indicating a deeper issue.

“When he is awake, maybe?” Aneir’a offered, hopefully. “He has been rather lively lately, it would do you both good to speak to him for a while -”

“Later.”

His silence was abrupt, hope draining further. It wasn’t her fault, he knew that much. He was certain of it. But how could he help?

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #7 Pawn

[Date: 1569, Sixth Astral Era]

Cool stone pressed against Mahi’a’s cheek, a finger gently tracing over the carvings that decorated one of the bricks. Unlike the lower chambers, barely anything up here looked aged, most walls and floors having taken little to no damage in the years since the last calamity. It was probably somewhat eroded from the movement of the air within, but it wasn’t as if they had anything newer to compare it to.

“You need to let me handle this!”

The sound of their mother’s voice rang clearly from the room beyond, and Mahi’a’s interest piqued immediately. It wasn’t often that their arguments became loud, they had to take whatever chance they could to hear what was actually going on.

“Handle what, Mahi?” That was their father. He had also raised his voice, not quite matching hers, tone still showing some semblance of calm. “If you’re playing with him it’s going to do more harm than good, you can’t change your mind so suddenly and expect everything to be perfect.”

Mahi’a released a breath they’d been holding, fingers digging against the carvings. Of course it was about them, why would it have been anything else?

“I am building a relationship with my child -”

“Ten years, you’ve had ten years to build a relationship. I’m surprised he knows who you are, you’ve barely shown your face, never mind an interest.”

“Because of you.” Her voice was piercing, almost hurting Mahi’a’s ears despite the distance. They desperately wanted to step in and ask them to stop, yet fear kept them in place. Could they be to blame? They didn’t want to have a chance of finding out.

They weren’t sure if silence followed, or Aneir’a had simply lowered his voice again. Was that the sound of his voice they could barely make out, or the wind in the distance?

“You don’t understand,” Mahi spoke up again, prompting a frown from them. What had their father said? “We have this in common, I can’t allow it to go to waste. What other option is there? All you want is for him to be like you, can you bear to think he and I should have had the same chance?”

At least that explained the source of the argument. The accident only a few weeks prior, the success of their spellwork followed by immediate terror as they’d realised it had caught the book they’d been studying from alight. Surprisingly enough their mother’s fury had been fleeting once she realised the cause, growing proud of them instead.

It was odd. But… It was pleasant.

Voices quietened, and Mahi’a focused to try and hear more. If they only moved a little closer, perhaps they could catch -

Footsteps reached their ears before any audible words, and their body tensed. No, it wasn’t worth it, they quickly decided, scrambling to their feet proper in order to flee in the opposite direction.

If their father knew they’d heard, they’d have to talk about it. And then what? Disappoint him by explaining they were enjoying this change of pace? They already felt as if they were in the middle of something they didn’t quite understand.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #6 Onerous

[Date: 4, Seventh Astral Era]

Mahi’a’s stomach sank further with every passing minute, pacing helping to disperse some of the restless energy that came along with it yet doing nothing for the thoughts that raced through their mind. 

Guilt was never something they’d handled well, and even less so when they had to acknowledge it. Even still…

“Leave, you owe them nothing, least of all an apology.”

“I owe them a great deal,” Mahi’a hissed through their teeth, “And it is your fault we are even in this situation, a little assistance would be only right.”

“‘We’ are not in any situation, they are your consequences to bear. Unless, of course, you make the correct decision to listen.”

“Listening caused this,” they retorted, voice rising in annoyance. Fuelled by their still swelling guilt, it was difficult to control it entirely. “You wanted me to do it, wanted me to get in trouble. For all I know you wanted to hurt him-”

“What are you doing out here?” Aurrine’s voice, while soft, was quick to silence Mahi’a. They’d almost forgotten where they were, clearly visible at the side of the street, not even any snowfall to obscure them from sight.

They should have thought this through better.

Aurrine’s appearance had washed away their flare of anger, cold dread left in its place. Their only solace was that she didn’t appear angry - no, they couldn’t even have that. She wasn’t angry, they could see the disappointment in her expression. The wariness in her eyes. That part stung the most.

“I was -” For all the thoughts racing through their mind, it was as if they’d suddenly hit a blockage. “I was thinking. I was thinking I’d apologise, just… figuring out the right words… I know he’s angry, but I have to. It’s the right thing to do.”

Silent derision lingered like a headache, and Mahi’a did their best to ignore it. They wanted to apologise. They also wanted to run away, far away from the burden so they would never have to acknowledge it again.

The moment stretched out with Aurrine’s silence, her gaze slowly shifting between Mahi’a and the door only a few steps behind them. The tension was rising unbearably, and they held their breath once she finally let out a small sigh.

“No,” was her firm response, tearing down their remnants of hope. “You need to leave.”

Mahi’a’s frozen form slowly thawed, and they took a step towards her. “I just need to try, I know he might not understand yet. I’ll come back later when he’s calmer, we can talk more then, I’ll be able to explain -”

“There’s nothing to explain,” Aurrine said sharply, her anger shocking Mahi’a back into silence. “You’re lucky he’s alive after all of this, you won’t receive any forgiveness. Not now, not later, and not from me.”

Their chest felt fit to burst, doing everything in their power to avoid bursting into tears at the statement. Acting like a child would only make this worse, they had to be careful, reasonable. There had to be a way to fix it, no matter how difficult it would be.

“Please, just listen to me,” they begged her desperately. “It was an accident. I didn’t know he would be there, and when I realised it was too late, I tried to help…”

“You saw him. And you still saw fit to set it all ablaze,” she corrected him, flatly.

Faltering with any argument afterwards, it was obvious they had no real excuse. Nothing they could explain to her. Their thoughts were a blur, desperately searching for something they could do, something that could provide even the smallest chance.

“She won’t understand the justification. After all he said, didn’t he deserve it in some part?”

“Did he deserve it?” Mahi’a asked themselves beneath their breath.

No answer came in words, no silent answer, none from their own thoughts, instead they found themselves brought back to reality by the sting of Aurrine’s hand to their cheek. They could see she was crying now, making no effort to hide the rage her tears stemmed from.

Leave. They would leave.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #5 Cutting Corners

[Date: 5, Seventh Umbral Era]

Everywhere Luric turned, he found more of the same. Tiny scraps of paper littered across the floor, stark white against the wood.

He took a moment to pinch the bridge of his nose, the Hyur taking a deep breath to try and keep his annoyance in check.

Not that it worked.

Even so he pressed on, explaining all he could of the next bounty he’d picked up on. Someone had to be responsible around here, and it sure as hells wouldn’t be -

“Mahi’a,” he almost growled as the sound of ripping paper reached his ears yet again. He didn’t turn, he had no need to, he knew exactly who to blame, it was never any different. Always something, playing with something they’d picked up while pacing around the room, humming in the corner, they could never sit still and pay attention.

“I’m listening,” was Mahi’a’s quick response, ready for the inevitable warning. Around them laid more of the paper, sharp strips now they’d taken to neatening up the corners of their creation with a knife. A paper wolf, recognisable only if viewed from a specific angle, the paper being cut away to give the impression of fur.

Aurrine’s laugh in response only infuriated Luric further, though he couldn’t allow her to know how much so. Years, years they had known each other, long before they’d practically adopted Mahi’a, and yet she sided with them more often than not.

They were all friends, of course, but by the Gods. Luric wished that common sense was contagious. Sometimes he considered it a miracle that Mahi’a could hold their own in a fight, it wasn’t as if they came across that way in any other situation.

“Please, give it a break for a few minutes,” he practically pleaded. “Before you drive me entirely insane.”

He glanced over only to ensure Mahi’a had sheepishly placed both the knife and paper aside, rolling his eyes at Aurrine’s growing grin beside them.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #4 Stagnant (free)

[Date: 1566, Sixth Astral Era]

As usual, Mahi’a had found their way back to the edge of the water. The vast expanse of inky blackness, only visible in the gentle flicker of a torch they’d brought down with them.

It wasn’t too long before Aneir’a found them there, grimacing at the sight of the child crouched by the rocky edge, slightly too close for him to be comfortable. He made his presence known with a quiet cough, aware that any kind of surprise could prove dangerous. Thankfully it worked as planned, and Mahi’a raised their head to look back at him with a grin.

“I’ve worked out what it is,” they said proudly, once more leaning forwards over the edge to peer into the water, sending a wave of fear through their father.

“What… what is?” Aneir’a asked, approaching to give the young Miqo’te a gentle tug back away from the water. “You need to be careful down here, if you fall -” He stopped, attempting a soft smile. “You shouldn’t be making me worry so much.”

Mahi’a gave a quiet groan towards that, though relented and moved back towards Aneir’a. “This whole room, chamber? Look, look!” their excitement rose out of nowhere, grabbing the book laid nearby to show off the page it was open to. “There are these arches across the ceiling, and they wrote about them here, it’s a staircase down to an entry hall, connecting all of the different floors-”

“So it’s deep, more reason to stay away from the edge,” Aneir’a pointed out, “Or better yet, not come in here at all. It’s foul water, Mahi’a.”

“It’s been sitting there since the flood! Do you think it can’t drain out? Or maybe that’s the water level outside?”

Aneir’a’s smile slowly became more strained, not that Mahi’a would notice, as wrapped up in their excitement as they were. On one hand it was endearing how fascinated they were by their home, the vast complex that had been carved out from the mountain itself. It was impressive, he had to admit, but on the other hand -

Twelve, how Aneir’a despised this place. Stale remnants of a civilisation better left forgotten, their self destruction reason enough of a reason for anyone to distance themselves from it immediately.

Yet he was here, cursed to return to this place to ensure Mahi’a’s wellbeing. Taking them far away was an idea always in the back of his mind, tempered only by the knowledge that whatever Mahi did in response would be on his hands. If he took Mahi’a far enough away no harm would come to them, at least, and Mahi would have nothing but…

He feared what she would do even then, and so he took the easy option. The worst option. Raising his child in a glorified hole, not the world outside where they belonged.

“Are you meant to have that book down here?” he asked, breaking free of his thoughts.”Your mother will be upset if you damage it, or Gods forbid, drop it into the water.”

“I wouldn’t!” Mahi’a quickly protested. “And it isn’t an important one, she won’t notice I took it. I’ll put it right back where I found it.”

Aneir’a hummed doubtfully, reaching over to pluck the book from Mahi’a’s hand. “Let’s put it back now,” he decided. “And then I’ll show you what I brought back, deal?”

Mahi’a’s face lit up, and Aneir’a mirrored another smile back at them. It was some solace that they knew no better, that they could find so many ways to entertain themselves.

If he had spent seven years of his childhood in such a place, he doubted he would have coped half as well.

[yraelxiv]

FFxivWrite 2022: #1 Cross

[Date: 1558, Sixth Astral Era]

Upon their first meeting, Aneir’a couldn’t help but be intrigued by her.

He’d been relaxing in the evening sun, enjoying what he could of the late summer before darkness began to enclose over his waking hours, but crimson eyes had caught sight of her wandering - no, her ‘foraging’.

So she had proclaimed to him once he had descended from the ridge, anyway. He had heavy doubts, the vast majority of what she had collected already being far from edible in any fashion. As politely as possible he had pointed this out, explained that he was willing to offer his assistance to ensure that she was safe as well as offered an introduction.

“How kind of you,” she had responded, sarcasm in abundance. If looks could kill he’d have toppled immediately.

Aneir’a knew better than to involve himself too heavily, especially when the prompt dismissal of his offer so easily raised his own frustrations in return. Fine. He would leave her to her own devices, whatever became of her would be no concern of his.

Except…

That wasn’t entirely true, as his observation continued after they’d parted. He told himself that he was not to step in again, that it was not worth the hassle, and yet it seemed it would not be necessary at all.

Instead he watched, bemused, as she waited until he was out of sight and sufficient time had passed to pick through what she had gathered so far, laying aside all he had voiced his concerns about.

Strange, but a relief.

She’d found him the second time, much to his chagrin.

The buck he’d been trailing had scattered as soon as she called out to him. Annoyance mixed with curiosity, and he allowed the former to wash away as he gathered his thoughts. There’d be more prey in the future, as perfect as the opportunity had seemed.

It was a pleasant surprise to know she’d recalled his name, and better yet as she offered an introduction of her own, Mahi. An apology was far from what he’d believed her to be capable of after her all too aggressive response previously, but he found it oddly genuine.

Abandoning his hunt for the time being, what turned out to be the night as a whole, they’d instead spent their time talking. She explained to him, with a fair amount of embarrassment, that she’d had no idea what she was doing.

That much he knew, and he teased her with the knowledge. For a second afterwards he felt he’d caught a glimpse of the same anger she’d shown him previously, though not a second later she gave in to laughter. Aneir’a eased up with this, she had simply been caught off guard, he’d likely done nothing but imply her incompetence in the moment. No wonder she’d reacted as such.

Their talk dragged on throughout the night, up until the sun began to make itself known beyond the rocky ridges nearby. Having debated over the idea for a good few bells, he tentatively offered his assistance in the future. Foraging, hunting, should she need it then he would likely find a way to help.

After a small amount of consideration on her part, she agreed.

Meetings began to blend together, each one looked forward to more eagerly than the last. It was obvious she showed little interest in actually learning from him, he’d learned so much early on, especially when he was all too willing to simply do the work for her.

Perhaps he should have pressed a little harder for her to take note of what he was doing, yet neither of them were children, and he certainly didn’t mind doing what he could to spend more time with her.

When not hunting, they spent the time talking. Stories were exchanged about their lives, she’d told him a little of her family, a sister who she’d relied on. One who had passed away not too long before their initial meeting. Aneir’a was sympathetic to her loss, moving on swiftly to distract her with the travels he had taken throughout his youth.

…And further still, when not talking, their relationship was quick to progress physically.

A little extra work was a small price to pay for her company, to ensure she was safe when he wasn’t present. Mahi had grown on him far quicker than expected and he was intent on making sure everything remained perfect.

It felt both an age and no time at all before she dropped the information on him, what had begun as yet another night relaxing in the cool autumn air suddenly felt… far chillier, without any weather to blame this time.

Aneir’a wasn’t upset, per se, whyever would he be upset about the possibility of having a child? Such a thing was a thrilling possibility, and yet he felt unprepared for it all. He knew so little of what was required, and though he would not voice it aloud he felt as if he knew little of Mahi herself. They’d talked, certainly, but was it enough to be ready for this?

His silence must have been telling, or perhaps it was the look of sheer panic across his face. Either way, he was quickly drawn from his thoughts by the touch of her palm to his cheek, a smile upon Mahi’s face.

In comparison she seemed so calm - no. She was trying to appear calm but he could sense what was beneath, the excitement of it all.

“It’ll all be fine,” she’d reassured him, “I’ve been planning for this. You’ll have nothing to worry about.”

If that was intended to soothe him, all it managed to do was compound his doubts further.

[yraelxiv]

The resistance felt upon pushing the door caused Mahi’a to grimace - not because of the mess that was undoubtedly behind it, but because it was a mess that they had not created. When there was a build up of objects within their own space, knowing that they’d placed it all there was some kind of comfort. When it was thoroughly out of their control and ignored for months… years at a time… the sinking feeling in their stomach could not be denied.

They observed the veritable mountain of mail from the floor of the hallway, cheek resting against their palm all the while. They’d only intended on being back for a short time, take a look around for something they may want, speak to their father while in the area… No one mentioned anything about having to trawl through months worth of unread mail.

Was this why people bothered updating their addresses?

How were they to know they’d actually receive anything in the first place? A handful of letters, perhaps, yet…

Mahi’a groaned quietly.

Once they’d finally convinced themselves to start things progressed far quicker than they’d anticipated, helped by the vast amount of letters that were simply addressed to others. Without any good idea of how long they’d been sitting there, Mahi’a simply set them aside to deal with later. If anything, they could head up to the Pillars and toss them off into the abyss beyond. No one would be any wiser.

Some were, unfortunately, addressed to Mahi’a themselves. They were examined thoroughly and placed into two piles, one of handwritten addresses, the other of printed. The latter were deemed something to tackle at a later date, while the former were pried open to peer at the contents.

Nothing terribly important, a few letters from their father from before they had updated him on their whereabouts, a couple from Aurrine, one from a name they did not recognise…

Their attention was captured by this last letter, not only for the reason they did not recognise the name, but because it was a wedding invitation. What were the chances that they knew someone they’d since forgotten and yet were still invited to a wedding? Odd. Examining the envelope revealed few answers, the name and address smudged to a degree they could perhaps assume it had been delivered by mistake.

…The event was within the next few days, however. Surely the chances were worth it? 

[yraelxiv]

Mahi’a’s mind cycled through a fair few excuses why they shouldn’t leave, and yet their mind always returned to the same one - what if something happened to their books?

It was a silly fear, and yet there they were, hovering at the top of the stairs with the key in hand, surveying the bookshelves for what they told themselves was the last time. The time before had been the last time too, and the time before that, and the time before that. While a part of themselves was starting to see the pattern unfolding, it was much harder than expected to tear themselves away.

What was the worst that could happen? Someone would break in and take their books? Unlikely, with the protection that the house had. That they’d somehow fall into disrepair upon their absence? Likely not. That the building would set on fire and everything would be lost in one terrible accident?

…That one was actually possible.

With a deep breath they tried to rid themselves of the thought, the small amount of fear that accompanied it. They’d make it a mission to end anyone who caused such an event, yes, that promise comforted Mahi’a a little more.

With all the willpower they could muster, they turned themselves from the shelves to exit the room, locking the door behind themselves before they could have any last minute regrets. No doubt their activities in Ul’dah would soon act as a distraction, everything in the Shroud finally placed out of mind.

[yraelxiv]

After taking a deep breath and closing their eyes, Mahi’a pressed a few fingers to each temple

Their headache had been growing for a few hours now, and they sincerely regretted dismissing it so early on. All they’d wanted to do was pick out a few books, so determined on their mission to provide a small selection for Erjon to work his way through, perhaps even end up liking some of them. It was a purpose that had excited Mahi’a to begin with, so why was it causing them pain now?

Slowly but surely they opened their eyes again to view the book that laid open in their lap. As they feared, it was no use, the words remaining blurry and unfocused as they had been before.

For once they chose the responsible route, closing the book rather than continue to strain themselves into even greater pain. After all, they presumed this boded well, now all they needed was for that thought to calm their impatience.

…And considering that was unlikely to happen, they needed to find some other way to distract themselves.

[yraelxiv]

With their head pressed against one of many pillows, opening their eyes provided only a continuation of darkness from their slumber. Having tangled themselves in a multitude of blankets throughout their sleep, Mahi’a was far warmer than what could be comfortable, yet the pressing weight of tiredness in their mind made the effort of freeing themselves seem far higher than possible. Thanks to the potion they’d been dosing their drinks with, it was easy enough to simply allow the drowsiness to creep over and consume their consciousness once more.

Once or twice more they fell back to sleep, each instance melding with the next as they allowed time to slip by. It was for the best, they had no inclination to know how many hours or days had passed altogether, only that they were gone.

This time, whatever time it may be, Mahi’a’s ears flicked up beneath the blanket draped over their head. Still half asleep, it was difficult to make out what they were hearing, fog slowly lifting enough for them to register the sound of soft voices in conversation.

For a long while, Mahi’a considered not moving at all. If there’d been a knock, they’d clearly long since missed it, leading to the hope that whoever it was would simply give up and move on soon enough. Perhaps they’d assume Mahi’a was off somewhere else, as if they had anything better to do than lay there and give up.

But their conversation continued, irritation pulling Mahi’a further and further from being able to slip back to sleep as deftly as before.

With a quiet groan they pulled themselves up from the comfort of their bed, blankets removed from limbs and tossed aside so that they could drop down from the platform, unsteadily making their way towards the door to listen further. The sound was no louder from where they stood, voices familiar despite how indistinguishable their conversation was. Mahi’a braced themselves with a small sigh.

“Hello?”

No answer, only a growing sense of discomfort. Bracing themselves for an inevitable confrontation, perhaps even a conversation, they clumsily unlocked the door to pull it open and peek into the hallway beyond.

The decidedly empty hallway.

Mahi’a stared out into the area beyond, thoughts taking their time to wade through the tiredness in their mind before they finally pushed the door closed.

And after a faint hushing sound, the whispered conversation went on.

Finding no other realistic option, Mahi’a withdrew to throw themselves back into their bed, clutching what they could of blankets and pillows to pull them up over their head for what little comfort it would bring. In the end it provided no real help, not now they were more aware than they’d like that it originated from anywhere but their own head. As if they required any more torment from there.

[yraelxiv]

It was quite an accomplishment, especially for Mahi’a, to have held back the tears for so long. Mahi’a didn’t understand what had helped them, what had given them the numb feeling that their panic had faded away into. What a blessing to not have made a fool out of themselves in front of everyone -

More of a fool, anyway.

A glass bottle was clenched tightly in their hands as they sank down to the ground, back pressed against the now locked door. But still, there were no tears.

For once they rather wished it would happen, get it over with, get rid of the tangled bundle of tension that lingered just out of reach. Instead, all they had to rely on was the distraction offered by their pain, and even that was not quite enough. Try as they might to focus on it, everything was hard to keep at bay when it had her face attached to it.

Mahi’a wasn’t to be deterred from avoiding the inevitable crash of grief and guilt for as long as possible, the numbness wouldn’t last, especially now when they had little else to distract them from their own thoughts. The sleeping potion they’d removed from the infirmary would work as their tactic for the immediate future.