#of how everything looks like elsa now. for some reason. i personally am so sick of big eyes big head animal companion

[dinoswordsb]

As per that last post the movie industry but especially the subsection of animation is so hopelessly...nothing right now. I know opinions and it's subjective and whatnot but elemental, ruby gillman, and even wish are like the three movies I've heard about before their release, and they all look kind of. Awful. Wish I think I'm willing to give a little more of a chance if nothing else because it's visually appealing and maybe I'm crazy but everything in the box office has been so by the numbers and heartless its upsetting and there's such a formula to everything churned out recently its like why even really bother? Maybe it's just me but I'm so sick to death of it. I hope spiderverse makes 10000000x more money than any of the other 3 listed here

[punkpoemprose]

December 6th- Fuck 2020

Universe: Modern AU Rating: M (Mature, a little explicit, this is porn without plot for the most part) Length: 4383 Words A/N: The title says it all. This fic is about Kristoff and Anna having sex on New Years Eve. TW: Mentions of COVID-19, quarantine, and generally the shittyness of this year. This is the last of my decades AUs. Hopefully someday someone will write something more flattering for the 2020′s.

Anna closed her laptop and collapsed back onto the couch. She was exhausted mentally and emotionally, but her body wasn’t tired enough to let her sleep. It had been what she’d been suffering with all year, or at least since March when the world had gone from its usual level of chaos to being utter and total bedlam. She still remembered the day she’d learned that her kids wouldn’t be coming back to the classroom, and the only slightly more terrifying day where she learned that they would, in fact be coming back.

Her head was still awash with words she’d never thought she’d need to say to a room full of five-year-olds. We have to keep our masks on. Remember, six feet apart guys, that’s like two big dogs in a line. No, I’m sorry, I can’t give you a hug. She’d had to separate desks, and clean and not wipe away little tears like she normally would when a child was having a bad day.

The kids, she thought, had held up better than she had. They’d listened as well as they could, they’d followed the rules as much as they were able, and they were kind about the policies in a way that even grown adults were not. But even with all the work they’d done, even with all the kids doing their best, the second wave had hit, and now they wouldn’t be returning to school until after the middle of January, and then when it finally came about, it would be online. There was talk of vaccines in the news, and while it gave her some small spark of hope, all the changes have meant turning her holiday break into lots of online classroom prep.

It still wasn’t the worst though, she’d rather be tired than sick, and she couldn’t help but relax a bit and listen to the shower running in the next room over.

Kristoff had been given the afternoon shift for New Year’s Eve, and as per their new normal, he’d stripped down at the door after returning to their apartment, tossed all his things into the wash, and was currently showering. In the beginning, before they’d known just how bad things were, before PPE was supplied to every EMT in the county, he’d caught it.

Anna had remembered the pain of having to see him so ill, watching him suffer through what was determined to be a “mild” case of the virus while he was sequestered to their bedroom and she spent the week sleeping on the couch and barely seeing him at all except to occasionally bring him something to eat when he’d felt particularly weak. There was something particularly terrifying in watching the strongest person Anna knew, her rock, her one and only, barely able to take care of himself. He’d insisted the whole time, vehemently, that she leave to stay with her sister on the other side of town, be she’d been unable to bring herself to do it. She couldn’t and wouldn’t leave him alone when he was so sick she wasn’t sure if he’d make it through.

But, of course, he had. His voice had been strange and unlike him for weeks after he was cleared, and Anna had spent many nights in a cold sweat thinking about just how close he’d been to being in much worse shape. They’d started their procedure then, come in the door, take off your clothes, wash anything that went into work with you, and then shower. She’d done it too, but to less of an extreme because while she’d been around kids who had potentially been sick, he spent every day with Sven facing the positively ill together and trying their best to keep them well enough to get to the hospital.

The mental strain it was putting on them, Anna having to worry everyday about him getting sick again, or one of her students or even herself catching it was a lot. But Kristoff, kind and wonderful man that he was, kept checking in at the hospital to learn whether the transports he and Sven had brought in had made it. She saw the darkness in his eye, behind his attempts at levity, on the days where they lost someone.

The water shut off, and Anna let herself imagine him behind the door, stepping out of the shower, putting his towel on, walking over to the mirror to shave and comb his wet hair. He’d started keeping it shorter than usual as a precaution, and while he always looked handsome, Anna missed the days where she’d been able to put short braids into his hair and then comb them out with her fingers. She missed the days where he’d come home, flop onto the couch and that would be the end of things until one of them made dinner.

“Hey,” he said, as she heard the bathroom door open and shut, “Are you asleep or?”

She opened her eyes and tipped her head, looking at him from across the room. He was dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, nothing fancy because of course, despite it being New Year’s Eve, they weren’t going out anywhere. She was dressed similarly, but overtop her plain shirt, she’d thrown on her nicest cardigan, creating the illusion for the videos she’d pre-recorded, that she wasn’t on her couch in her pajamas, but instead was dressed in full teacher gear and was to be listen to closely.

“I don’t think I can do an early bedtime tonight,” she said, “Or even a nap. I have to be awake to see this year end.”

He laughed, but it wasn’t so much the sort of laugh he did when he thought she was being funny. It was much more of a chuckle, as if he were going to follow it with an expression of agreement. They both were rather done with the year, just like everyone else they knew. No one wanted to be living through a pandemic.

“Just imagine,” he said, “Maybe next year we’ll actually be able to go on a date or something.”

“Or,” Anna replied sadly, “Actually be able to reschedule our wedding.”

They’d planned a June wedding the year before. It was going to be a small affair. Just his family, Elsa, and some friends from work. They were going to have it at a ski-lodge in the mountains that also doubled as a summertime spa and nature retreat so that it would be like a vacation for everyone who attended. She could still imagine the way that they’d wanted to decorate the place, all sunflowers and mason jars and white ribbons. She had bought a dress and everything, and it was still stored in her sister’s bedroom closet.

They’d pushed it to August, but had given up on it past that, knowing as soon as September hit and she returned to school with in person students, that nothing would be changing anytime soon. Even her hope for the next year was a tentative thing, like a butterfly with a broken wing trying its damnedest to fly.

“Fuck 2020,” she said quietly, noticing the way he frowned at the mention of their cancelled wedding. He’d been looking forward to it as well, and she knew that this year had been just as upsetting for him as it had been for her. She tried not to swear very often, particularly because she was worried about being able to censor herself around the kids, but ultimately, the year deserved a middle finger and some very strong language.

He crossed the space and took her laptop from where it rested on her stomach, placing it carefully on the coffee table before he scooped her too, up and off the couch. He never had much trouble lifting her, but each time he did so unexpectedly, she was half afraid of falling. She flailed for a half a second in his arms, gasping at the change in height as it occurred.

“I’d like that,” he said with a grin, “The wedding. I know it’s just a formality, and that we’ve agreed not to do it at a courthouse or anything, but I’m so ready to call you Mrs. Bjorgman.”

“And have my students confused?” she teased, “Maybe you should be Mr. Arendelle.”

He laughed at that, but the shrugged and started walking in the direction of their bedroom, holding her bridal style as if it were already all over and done with.

“Why are we heading to bed?” she asked, only allowing herself a little hopefulness beyond her confusion. She knew why she’d like to be heading to bed, but maybe, she reasoned, he was just tired and wanted some company for a nap.

“You said, ‘fuck 2020’.”

She could see the cheeky smile on his face as he glanced down at her, still heading toward the bedroom, like a man on a mission.

“It sounded like a good idea to me.”

***

“So,” Anna said from her place below him on their bed, “In this analogy am I 2020 or?”

Kristoff laughed, and she was treated with a kiss on her knuckles as she obediently raised her arms up for him to remove her shirt. His laugh was one of the things that got her through the day, knowing that he could find humor in any situation, that she could make him laugh, was a blessing. It made things feel normal, and it was a joy for them both that they sorely needed.

“No. It’s more like we fuck each other, and we get a little extra enjoyment out of the year ending. Honestly, I didn’t think it through very much, I just wanted you and it seemed like a good excuse.”

That made her laugh, and she nodded appreciatively at the sentiment. She didn’t think that they needed to really contemplate it much as she was just happy with the opportunity to enjoy her fiancé for a little while.

“It’s a good way to pass the time until midnight,” she offered once she was free of her shirt, “I’m sure we’ll manage to keep each other awake.”

Her hands went up his shirt in return, letting her fingers travel over his the soft but muscled planes of his torso until he too removed his shirt, giving her better access to touch him as she leaned up to allow him to undo her bra’s clasps.

“It’s what? Seven?” He asked, tossing her bra in a rapidly growing pile of their clothes, “I can’t promise five hours straight, but I’ll do my best.”

His hands went up her sides, his thumbs rubbing appreciatively at the dips of her waist and across her ribs until they came up to he breasts. He cupped them gently first, and her hands moved to tracing up and down in spine in return as they found a comfortable position where she was somewhat seated in his lap, facing him. He pinched a nipple and she treated him to an appreciative moan and dragged her nails, lightly down his back.

They hadn’t had much time for intimacy as of late. Between what they both experienced at work and the stress of the holidays, even from a socially distanced standpoint, they’d mostly been using their bed for sleeping. It felt good for it to be put to better use.

“Of course, we’ll need to take a break for dinner. Maybe you’ll need a second shower with some company. I’m sure we’ll figure it out.”

The appreciative almost growl he made as he ducked his head down to her neck went straight through her spine and made her want to peel the rest of their clothes off and get down to business immediately. Shared shower or not, she already knew that she’d need to change her panties. If, of course, he was planning on letting her put any on before the next morning.

He squeezed and kneaded her breasts while his lips kissed down her neck and she allowed herself to surrender to his touch. Everything around her was Kristoff, his hands and mouth on her, the smell of his shampoo all she could smell as she tilted her neck to give him better access and shifted a hand up to his still wet hair. Despite him being fresh from the shower and in the cooler air of their bedroom, he was hot to the touch, exactly what she wanted as her hair stood on end from the temperature and his touch.

He moved lower then, his head ducking down to lave attention on her nipples as one arm wrapped around her back to support her leaning away and the other moved down, down, across her lower stomach and to the place where her waistband still sat.

“Off?” she asked, the word all she could form as she gave herself over to the sensation of his mouth sucking and nipping at her.

“Not yet,” he replied, barely moving his mouth from her as he answered and switched sides, leaving her wet nipple to pebble against the cold.

His fingers slid a bit lower still, under the waistband of her pants, but not into her underwear as he dipped her even lower.

His arm was strong at her back, keeping her aloft and exactly where he wanted her, even as she squirmed and bucked her hips against the hand that was moving closer and closer to her clit. She knew exactly what he was doing, but it didn’t keep her from jumping when his fingers grazed her through the fabric. He knew that she was sensitive, that he needed to work her up to his direct touch, let alone anything more. They’d had their fair share of quickies of course, but when he wanted things to last, when he wanted to see her come again and again, he worked her up first.

Anna moaned, and arched in his arms, not so much from the sensation, but from the promise it offered. He really was going to try to make this last all night long.

“What did I do to deserve you?”

“I ask myself the same question.”

She gasped as he slowly stroked his fingers up and down her, no doubt feeling how wet she was through her panties but not commenting on it. Instead, using his mouth to once again kiss down her body, moving from the valley between her breasts lower and lower, tipping her back onto the bed as he went.

Not to be outdone, Anna reached up to him as she was leaned back, letting her hands travel down and over his back, reaching for his rear and giving it a squeeze. He laughed against her skin, and she felt rather satisfied by the sound as he picked up the pace on her clit and kissed her navel. Her hands slipped forward then, moving across the waistline of his sweatpants, and dipping her fingers below them as he had.

It was a bit of an awkward angle, but she did her best to wrap her hand around him. It was a challenge, but it was worthwhile to hear his breathing quicken when she managed to slide her hand up and down over his already hard cock through the fabric of his boxers. She recalled the first time they had done this, what felt like many years before, but was just a little over a year and a half ago. She remembered touching him for the first time and being scared that she wouldn’t be able to take him. The thought would have made her laugh now, if it weren’t for the fact that his attention on her clit was making her gasp instead.

When his lips had kissed as low as possible in their current position, he sat up a bit and slipped his hand from her pants. He offered her a questioning look, as he always did, and Anna stroked him again in response, sliding her hand up and down his length and rotating her wrist a bit as she did so, knowing that it was what he liked.

“Off?”

“Off,” she replied, finalizing the unspoken agreement in words before adding, “You too.”

He nodded and she rubbed her thumb against his head before she too extracted her hand, giving him a small taste of what was to come. She fully intended to take him into her mouth if he would let her. It had been too long since she’d seen him fall apart like that, staring down at her with dark eyes and strong muscles trembling under the weight of his climax.

Maybe, she thought, she might even do it while he was laying down, so she could feel him under her and enjoy the building of tension in his body that always came before the release that left him panting and melting beneath her. She loved that he let her give him pleasure. There was so much he did everyday for her, all the care to not get her ill, the many nights he cooked dinner after a long shift, how he always listened to her stresses before offering up his own, and she liked to return his kindnesses in the bedroom.

He pushed himself up and off of her, pulling his pants down with one hand, using the other in a delightful display of his strength to hold himself aloft. He kicked them off a bit creatively, one leg at a time as if he were doing some kind of strange yoga, but never removing his eyes from her as he watched her buck her hips up and slide her own bottoms off.

He tossed them both somewhere to join their pile, and they were left, staring into each other’s eyes wearing nothing but their underwear.

She shivered a bit, both from the intensity if his gaze and the cool air around her. He noticed, his gaze softening as he lowered himself to her a bit and pressed a kiss to her lips. She responded by tipping her head up a bit, deepening the kiss as her arms raised up to wrap around his back and pull him down onto her.

“I’ll have to see if I can warm you up,” he said, their temperature differences more evident as his chest pressed into hers.

He was making a valiant effort, despite her pulling him down, to not crush her under his weight. There had been occasions where he’d allowed his whole weight to press down onto her, and while she didn’t exactly consider him light by any instance of the word, he wasn’t ever going to crush her quite so much as he made an excellent weighted blanket when he wanted to be.

His tone was lascivious though. There was no doubt in Anna’s mind as his hips rocked gently into hers that his plan for warming her up included more of the touching he’d just been doing moments before. When he kissed her again and let his lips trail, once more down her body, lower and lower, she knew that there would be nothing so simple as a blanket in his plans to warm her.

When he reached the waistband of her panties he didn’t stop, instead mouthing at her through the fabric, causing her to call his name and tangle her fingers into his hair. She felt his breath on her, hot, the inhalations and exhalations adding to the sensation as his lips nipped carefully at her clit. He slid down after a few moments, pressing kisses to her labia and center through the fabric, nudging her bud with his nose.

He could be devious with his mouth, a fact that she took immense pleasure in. He could kiss her mouth and pussy with equal skill, and she knew it came from a combination of natural talent, and plenty of practice with her and only her. His mouth could bring her to heights she’d never been able to reach alone, and the anticipation of him doing so had her trembling.

“Do you want me to?” he asked, glancing up at her from between her legs, seeking permission as he always did.

“Yes. Always.”

It was all he needed, flashing her a smile as he hooked his thumb under her waistband and pulled.

She lifted her hips obediently and was rewarded with an appreciative squeeze on her rear as he tugged the fabric off her. When it got to her knees, he leaned back and she set her bottom back onto her bed, watching him whip the fabric off her legs and onto the floor.

She would not be looking for them, she decided ultimately, until laundry day.

He spread her legs a bit more and rearranged them both on the bed until she had two pillows under her rear, elevating her, and he was half kneeling before her.

Once the matter of fabric and positioning was settled, he set upon her like a man starved. Evidently the foreplay had been enough for him, and she already felt it was enough for her, when he kissed her clit again, and then set to running his tongue over her. He went from the bottom of her slit, tasting her and groaning in appreciation, up to her clit, his tongue teasing at her before flattening against her, moving down, and repeating the process.

Her hands, desperate to show him the same appreciation he was showering her with, reached out as far as they could to rub just her fingertips, less artfully, but no less effectively, against the bulge straining against his boxers. His groans only added to the sensation as he tasted her, the rumbling of it tangible as he licked and took her into his mouth. The sound mingled in the air with her own moans, and soon, she stopped being able to tell who was making which sounds.

His tongue darted between her folds and she rocked her hips into his mouth. He rocked just far enough back that she could no longer touch him, and as such, her hands held onto him in other ways, one hand wandering across his shoulders while the other tugged at his hair.

He added his fingers to the business after a short while, taking only a moment away from her to watch her face as he slipped his fingers along her entrance, coating them in her before he, with trained dexterity, slid them inside her and began the search for the place on her inner walls he knew set her closest to the edge.

He got a satisfied look on his face when her moans grew louder, when she pleaded with him and thanked him for the new sensation, and it was a grin that she saw last before his face descended, again, to mouth at her clit with new fervor.

It was only a matter of time before she fell back against the bed, pillows falling from under her rear as she went stiff, then limp, under the force of her orgasm.

She tasted herself on his lips when he kissed her.

***

“Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!”

Anna had been somewhat surprised that they made it to midnight, both of them thoroughly spent with the amount of time and energy they’d put into their private celebration. She wasn’t counting down with the people on the television though, she couldn’t even see them as she knelt before the couch, feeling Kristoff’s tensed legs at either side of her. She couldn’t count anyway, she had her mouth full.

She’d wanted to manage to get him to come right at midnight, thinking about how funny and gratifying it would be to ensure that her fiancé, the man she loved most in the world, started the new year out right. She supposed though, as she bobbed her head up and down, her tongue running up and down his length as she breathed through her nose, that he wouldn’t mind if it was just a minute or so late.

“Anna,” he groaned, his hand on the back of her head, not pushing but encouraging her to maintain her speed, “Baby I think I’m going to…”

She hummed, keeping up her speed, flattening her tongue against him and doing her damnedest to give him the same pleasure he’d given her earlier in the day. They’d done plenty in the hours between, but this was the first time for the day, and now for the new year that she’d pleasured him with her mouth.

She hoped that the sounds she was making were encouraging as his hips rocked almost imperceptibly, his hand that rested on her shoulder tightening as the one in her hair pressed a little more than it had been.

When he came for her, she could feel the shuddering of his muscles, particularly his thighs which she was using for support, even under the fabric of his clothes. They’d only recently finally donned clothes again for the first time since dinner, and she had decidedly not let it stop her, particularly when it was easy enough to shift the fabric down enough to suit her needs.

“Anna,” he repeated, panting as she too came up for air, swallowing him.

She could feel herself flush, and saw the blush mirrored on his cheeks. He was frazzled, and when she leaned up, using his thighs for support, to get a better look at his expression, she was surprised by his dipping down to kiss her lips.

“Happy New Year Anna,” he whispered, hands already moving on her, pulling her closer as he showed her his appreciation.

She couldn’t help but laugh, accepting her New Year’s kiss as he sat before her with his pants still askew. If it was an omen for the year, she was glad for it. She’d rather the year be an amusing one than the way the previous one had been.

“Happy 2021 Kristoff,” she replied, kissing him again and letting herself enjoy the sensation of his touch before reaching down to tug on his waistband, helping him readjust before turning to shut the television off and drag him off to bed.

They’d had a long, but very enjoyable day. The perfect way, she thought, to usher in the New Year.  

[kazoo5480]

Emma wakes with Killian’s alarm, she rolls over, and kisses the underside of his jaw, he twitches, still deeply asleep. “Babe, wake up” she says smiling kissing up his neck. He groans, and rolls into her. “What time is it?” he asks yawning, 7, I have to go, work. See you for lunch?” He opens his eyes finally and takes her in, all sleep rumpled and gorgeous. Sighing “Aye, I’ll be by around 12” and she kisses him too quickly and stands to put on her clothes. “Love you” and runs out his door, and he lays there a minute, still waking up.

He sees the boxes stacked still in the corner and sighs. He pushes himself up, and into the shower, leaving Liam a note on the table, focusing on getting through the day. He grabs his skateboard and his backpack and heads out towards the gashouse and just focuses on moving and Emma, what he said to her last night and her so willingly accepting his words. It made him grin like an idiot, Liam might be leaving and starting his own adventure, but so was he. He still had his own adventure to seek, and school ahead, the fact that he was lucky enough to have Emma by his side was just the best kind of added bonus.  

Emma rushes inside and up to her room showering quickly and throwing her uniform on. Her mom stood on the precipice of her bedroom watching the whirlwind of her daughter as she raced around. “Is Killian alright Sunshine?” and Emma stopped and looked at her mom and nodded. “I’m sorry I didn’t expect to need to stay but I took one look at their life being boxed up, and he was so broken up mom. I can see his point of view, this was their first home after leaving their home, losing their mom, and with Liam leaving it is just a lot and he is processing, last night was just a bad night for him is all.” Ruth noticed the ring on her daughters right hand but didn’t say anything, if it were important, she would tell her, she always did.

Emma sat down her head in her hands and her mom sat next to her rubbing over her back, and Emma leaned into her mom. “He is lucky he has you Ems, and he has us, and we will all get through this all together. Maybe you could do something nice, rally the troops to help get his stuff moved, and I’ll even throw in for Pizza. I have Saturday off so I could help in the morning, unpack stuff while the guys do the heavy lofting and all that, see if Liam needs help too” and Emma smiled at her mom “that would be awesome, good idea” and she got up rolling her socks on and threw everything in her work duffle. “I gotta go, but I will see you later Mom” and she kissed her mom as Ruth called out to have a good day behind her.

Ruth sat there, and smiled, she raised really good kids, and though she missed her husband like mad sometimes, but she would wait a little longer to tell them, it was going to change a lot in their lives, and she didn’t want to add more on to their plates. Ruth had been seeing her oncologist weekly for months, treatment options were approaching, and Ruth sighed. Speaking aloud, “I’m not ready to leave them yet honey” she said to no one, and she quickly wiped the tears that began running down her cheeks. What she wasn’t aware of was her son standing in the doorway.

“Planning on going somewhere Ma?” and he looked at her taking in her sadness. Ruth was startled, and she looked at her son and the tears began falling quicker. “Come sit” she patted the spot next to her on Emma’s bed and David sat down, his hurt arm on the opposite side and he wrapped an arm around her waist. “Ma what is it?” he asked gently, and she sighed. “Breast Cancer” and David burst into tears tucking his face into his mother’s neck, hugging her as best as he could, and she held her boy, crying in her arms. “I just told your dad, I am not ready to leave yet, so that’s that” and David laughed a little as he sniffled, his tears still flowing. “How bad is it?” and she sighed, “I have options, chemotherapy, surgery. I chose to start Chemo next week, see how it goes” and David nodded.

“We will do everything mom, just tell me how to keep the family running” and she patted his cheek. “Well, I will need some help around the house, and the therapy makes you really sick, so I have been slowly building an arsenal of stuff I’m going to need, speaking with people in the treatment rooms while they go through it. I wanted to be prepared.” He nodded, “How long have you known?” “Six months. I found a lump and scheduled an appointment right away; we think we caught it early… but I am probably going to lose my hair” she said with a grim smile. David looked at her touching her soft blonde curls, so similar to Emma’s.

“Hair grows back, or we will find you some really amazing wigs, or you can totally rock a bald head” and she laughed and nodded. “The house will be fine, I have our savings, my pension with the hospital, we should be ok” and he nodded once. “Em and I will contribute everything we make to the savings; we should make a plan to tell her, and be ready with a plan, she always wants to see the long picture” and Ruth nodded. “We should make sure you both are on the bank account and the house deed.” David cut her off. “You aren’t going anywhere Ma” and she smiled, “Let’s just have a plan B, it would make me feel better” and he nodded.

“When do we tell Em?” he asked grimly, and she sighed, “I don’t know, but I think we should let Killian and her both get through the weekend, and then we will tell everyone. I have a feeling I am going to need each and every one of my kids to get us through this” and Dave nodded. “I’ll call a Sunday dinner, spread the word through Ruby, we never needed a reason before, so we should do it soon” and Ruth agreed. “I’ll make lasagna, and maybe a cake” and Dave looked at his mom, “It’s going to be ok Mom. I am not going anywhere, and me and Em, we can handle this, helping you. Our friends, they will be here too, you’re just going to have to be ok with people taking over to help you for a while, see how the treatment works, without fighting all of us” and she smiled. “How did I get so lucky to have two great kids?” and he smiled, “Because we have a great mom.” He held his mom a little longer until she got up and said she was going to get ready for work, and he nodded.

 He sat there for a while, staring out the window, and begged his dad to leave their mom with them, to not take her too. His heart was shattered, and he couldn’t tell a soul, that was his mom’s personal choice to tell people, and even though it killed him, he wouldn’t tell Emma, they would tell her together. He knew the police academy was the right choice, it would pay good, he could live here with his mom, make sure she was taken care of, Emma had another year of school so she would be around, and lord knows all their friends would band together to keep their matriarch in one piece. He just had to have hope that it would all be ok. He walked to the phone and dialed Red, she picked up immediately. “Hey Rubes, Ma is calling Sunday dinner, everyone, 5 o clock” and she agreed and said she would track everyone down, not even asking why.

He could do this, he could handle this, and Emma was strong like Ruth, they could handle it. As much as he hated to agree, they needed a Plan B, Breast Cancer wasn’t exactly new but when it was your own mother, he decided he should start reading. Since he was off today, he went downstairs, and his mom kissed him goodbye before her shift, and he headed toward the library, asking for every single book, journal, and article they had on Breast Cancer, Astrid the librarian looked at him and nodded with a curious expression but said she would grab what she had, and begin collecting everything over the next few days for him. He thanked her and began reading.

Emma and M were both on the same shift today, and they weren��t crazy busy, so they had some downtime to talk. Emma asked about swapping shifts so that she could be helping Killian Saturday and M agreed of course and said she would help him Sunday too. Zelena came out and tacked up the schedule, waving good morning, and it turns out both Saturday and Sunday Emma had the morning shifts, and would be off by 3, so M didn’t mind at all that she took her Saturday shift if Emma took her following Sunday afternoon shift for her, Emma agreed right away. They chitchatted, and a few cars came in, but by lunch they were starting to get packed. Emma was zipping around on her skates doling out orders for two hours straight, and Killian still hadn’t shown up. Maybe he was busy too she thought.

Ruby called a while later to Rae’s telling M that Ruth was calling for Sunday Dinner, and Dave had called Ruby to round them all up, Emma laughed, eating her grilled cheese as M talked to Ruby, she could have done that, but he was right, Ruby was like a one-woman telephone tree. Emma just assumed her mom wanted Killian to have support since Liam was leaving Friday, and now Elsa too. Emma told M to eat, and she was about to skate out as Killian walked in closer to 1. “Sorry, we were packed, and without Dave it was just me today” and she nodded and kissed him, “Sit, I will be right back” and skated out. Killian parked himself next to M and she was scarfing down her food. “You know no one is going to steal that from you M” and she laughed.

“Sorry, but we just had a huge rush, I am starving, you missed Emma inhaling her food a few minutes ago” and he smiled. “Eat, I am just placing a carry out, and she threw him her pad to write his order on. She got up and skated around the counter throwing it on the counter for the kitchen and tossed her plate into the dish bin. “It will be up in a few” and skated out, her brunette hair blowing out behind her. He shook his head, they worked really hard, and honestly, he was grateful because this obviously contributed to Emma’s outstanding legs. Speaking of which, she skated in and into his arms and he caught her. “Hi” she said, and he kissed her. “Do you want something?” and he told her he had a carry out coming. Emma told him Sunday dinner and he nodded, and “order up” came and Emma skated to grab his bag. “What time are you off again?” she asked, “Looks like later, 530 or so” and she nodded. “See you tonight?” and he nodded, Ill head over after I go home and shower. She nodded, “Love you” and he kissed her hard. “See you tonight” and she smiled as he walked out, food in hand. 

David closed the last book and popped a few journals and the legal pad he had taken copious notes on and headed towards the car. He looked at his watch, both Emma and his mom would be home soon, so he wanted to make sure dinner was ready and, on the table, when they both got in. Tonight, was going to be rough on them all, and he decided to swing by the gashouse on his way home. Spotting Killian, he waved with his good hand, “Hey, shouldn’t you be resting?” Jones said to him and he nodded, “I am. I need you to come to our house tonight, I know you are busy, but actually Liam and Elsa should come too for dinner.

 Killian nodded, “Ill track Liam down, what’s up? Em said Sunday dinner, but tonight?” And David sighed, “Can you make dinner? Or be there after dinner?” Killian looked nervous, “Dave” and put a hand on his good shoulder, and Dave shook his head. “Tonight?” And Killian nodded, “Emma?” “Is going to need you. But I gotta go” and he booked it out of there leaving a confused and very worried Killian in his wake. Killian lifted the phone dialing the docks, and got Liam to agree to dinner, said he would meet him there at 6, Elsa was working though, and Killian couldn’t tell him why because he honestly didn’t know, and by Emma’s demeanor today he would bet that she didn’t either.

After his shift he rushed home, and showered, changing, and throwing in clothes for good measure in case, and skated towards the Nolan’s like a fire was under his ass. Ruth walked in to find her son tossing a salad, and stir fry going on the stove. “Someone has been busy” she said to her son, as she looked over his notepad, and he snatched it out her hands. “I did some reading, wanted to be prepared” and Ruth hugged her son. “We are telling Emma tonight, I asked Killian and Liam to come over, no one else. But Emma is going to need the support, and with Liam leaving he has a right to know” and Ruth looked sad. “I didn’t want those boys to worry” and Dave nodded, but said “Ems going to need Killian just as much as I need M and you need all of us. We are a family, and I didn’t know if you wanted M to know or not yet, so I haven’t said a word to her, and didn’t ask her to come tonight.” Ruth nodded, “You should call her, I don’t want you keeping my secret from her” and he walked to the phone calling.

Ruth headed into her bedroom and changed into a floral sundress that she loved and combed her long hair back. She needed to be strong for her kids, for herself. She knew David was right, they needed to involve those closest to them first, and she headed into the kitchen to help her son with dinner, since they were expecting more people now. Dave banished her to the porch swing, and she hated being bossed around but she had to let her son come to terms with this, and if bossing people around and making her sit and read was punishment, she would be a glutton for it. Emma’s yellow bus rolled in and she hopped out, M with her, hearing her in the kitchen, and heard her daughters footsteps up the stairs. M and Dave came out to sit with her, and Emma came down a few moments later, her long blonde curls drying and a smile on her face. “Dave said dinner tonight, and Sunday. What’s going on?”

She watched her mom school her features, Emma did the same thing when she was upset or had a secret. Killian rolled up on his skateboard, and Emma was surprised but not, Killian looked nervous as he approached their porch and sat on an empty seat. M moved to an empty chair beside him, and Emma moved to the swing with her mom and Dave. Dave nodded at Ruth, and Emma’s mom clasped her hand and Dave’s good one.

“We asked you here because we have something to tell you, and because you two are the most important people in their lives, it’s going to take us all as a family to get through this, together” Ruth said swallowing. Dave produced a box of tissue from somewhere and handed one to his mom. “Mommy?” Emma said, and Ruth patted Emma’s cheek. “I’m sick Sunshine, Breast Cancer” and looked grim. Emma gasped, her lip trembled, and tears began to pour. She hugged her mom tightly, Killian and M held hands and they watched the three hold each other and cry, Killian now understanding why Dave wouldn’t tell him, it wasn’t his news to share.

Killian knelt in front of the three of them, pulling M with him and he rubbed Emma’s leg in reassurance, but she didn’t take her eyes off her mom. “Whatever you need, I’ll help” Killian said, and Ruth smiled at him. “Tell me everything” Emma said, and Ruth did, telling them all, and Dave chimed in with what he found at the library. M and Killian excused themselves to allow them privacy for a moment, and to go get dinner off the stove, and wrapped each other in a tight hug. “Ruth is tough, she will be ok” M said to Killian and he nodded, “it won’t be like it was with your mom Jones, if they caught it early enough…” and he gripped his friend tighter nodding. “Help me get this on the table” and he followed the small brunette around, lost in his thoughts.

Emma was reeling, “How long did you know” she nailed Dave with a glare. “Just this morning sunshine, don’t be mad at your brother, he caught me in a weak moment right after you left, and I just spilled it” she laughed lightly. “It isn’t funny” Emma said to her mom, and her mom wiped the tear tracks off her daughters cheeks. “I am going to be ok, treatment and maybe a surgery, but like I told your brother, I told dad this morning I wasn’t leaving and that’s that” and Emma nodded wanting to be alone. She got up off the porch, and walked around to the bus, grabbing her spare key, and backed out of the driveway and pulled out, her mom and brother looking confused, but she saw her mom pull Dave down as he tried to stand. “Emma” he yelled, and she took off, heading toward the beach.

Killian heard them call Emma’s name and saw the bus gone. He ran to the front steps, “Where did she go?” and Ruth sighed, “the place she always goes when she needs to be alone” and stood patting his cheek. “Come on, let’s get supper on the table, and start eating, is Liam coming?” and Killian nodded. “I should…” and Ruth looked at him, “Let her be, if she isn’t back before dark, you can go get her, drag her back. I expected this, Emma is like the wind, temperamental and strong, I knew she would need a moment to process it, and I am not going to deny her that and neither are any of you” and he nodded in understanding, wanting to support his love and hold her like she held him. He also knew when Emma took off, she needed it and meant it. Liam showed up a few moments later, and as they ate, Ruth told Liam who immediately knelt at her side crushing her in a hug. It was a very emotional dinner, and his thoughts were entirely on Emma as he sat there with her family processing this monumental news and wishing he could take her pain away and looking at her mother, their surrogate mother and wanting to take her illness away.

Emma threw her suit on, and grabbed her board, stalking down the pier, dropping her stuff in a pile and went into the water. The sun was orange and pink, and purples, the waves calm as she laid on her board looking at the sky, sobbing. She was furious at god, or whoever was out there for doing this, they had already lost their dad, and what if her mom didn’t come out of this. God, the tears rolled down her face and she just let her heart crack wide open, and the tears fall into the ocean as it rolled over her skin. She sat up and paddled, having drifted and the sky was getting darker. She went to the shore, and saw Killian sitting, her stuff in his lap. He handed her the towel as she dropped her board and she crawled into his lap and he held her as she cried softly, soothing her, and smoothing her hair until she had let it all out. “Come on angel, let’s get you home” and he grabbed her stuff and led her to the bus driving her back home.

Ruth was on the porch reading, Dave and M in the house watching TV. Liam had hugged her goodbye after dinner, and promised to stop by before he left, and Killian had finally run off to the beach to drag Emma home. It was full dark now and she saw the bus pull in and park at the end of the driveway. Emma hopped out, her wet bathing suit, her eyes red, and Killian kissed her forehead sending her up the front walk while he moved the bus into the backyard. Emma looked up at her mom and came to sit next to her, Ruth holding her tightly and kissing her hair. “I’m sorry” Emma said quietly, and Ruth shushed her. “I know you sunshine, you needed time.” Emma hugged her mom fiercely, “do you think it will work?” and Ruth nodded against her daughters head, “I really do sunshine, I really do. But I am tired, and I am sure you are too. Let’s head in, ok?”

Emma nodded and helped her mom up, and Dave got up and crushed Emma to his good side, “You can’t just leave in the dark, no more. No surfing after sundown Em” and she looked up at him and nodded. “I can’t be worried about you out there, and her here. I need you to be here Em, I need you.” Emma kissed his cheek and noticed Killian, Dave looked at him “When I am not here, she is your responsibility.” “I’m not a child Dave! Killian has his own life, same as you and M, and Liam. All of us. I can take care of myself, but I said I wouldn’t go after dark anymore” she said petulantly. Dave softened, and looked at Killian and Emma, “Well if you’re at the beach after dark, it’s never alone. If I am not there, he is” and Killian nods “I got it Dave” and he grabbed Emma’s hand and led her up to her room. He could feel the emotion rolling off of Emma in waves, she needed grounding and he walked up to her and grabbed her hand rubbing the ring. “I’m your anchor too Em. Let me be, let me in” and she nodded, and he hugged her tightly.

Emma went to the shower and rinsed off. She didn’t bother with clothes and Killian wasn’t surprised when she crawled into bed and curled herself around him. She needed him, just as he did the night before from her, so he rolled her and slid his boxers off. He quietly made love to Emma, silencing her moans with his mouth, and kissed her tears away until they were spent. “Ems, nightgown” he said into her hair and she grabbed it off the end of her bed and pulled it on, and he pulled on his boxers and tee shirt. Emma laid her head on his chest and fell asleep. Killian laid there a while, the crickets out her window, the wind blowing in and thought back to what Ruth said, when she offered for him to be here. Maybe now he should be, for Ruth, for Emma, for Dave. He would talk to Ruth tomorrow, and drifted off to sleep.

He crept out of Emma’s bed, her still sound asleep and put on his clothes, making a pot of coffee. Ruth came in a few minutes later, not surprised to see him. “Morning” she said, and Killian handed her a cup, and she smiled. “You knew the day of the competition, when you said no matter what that I am allowed here whenever I wanted, night, day, if I chose to be, and that you were ok with it. You meant this, didn’t you Ruth?” and she looked at him quietly, and nodded. “I thought maybe you being here would help me, it would help you avoid renting a place, and I am sick. Dave and Em can’t do it all on their own all the time, but I wanted you to know you could be here as much as you wanted honey. Losing your mom, I thought you might want to be here more for Em and Dave, me too.”

He nodded, “I do, but living with you guys is one thing, I moved closer, so I am around the corner, but into your home might be a little much for now. But I will be here every day, we can schedule your treatments around our work and school schedules, so that one of us is always here with you in the house. I assume that’s what the family dinner Sunday is for? To tell the whole tribe?” and she nods and smiles. “I have an army of kids, I figured Dave was right and letting them help as much as they can or want to.” Killian smiles at her, “It’s going to be ok Ruth, I just have a feeling.”

“Is it the same kind of feeling that you had when you put that ring on my daughter?” She cocks her head to side smiling. He blushes, “It wasn’t a proposal Ruth, god I would never do that without asking you or Dave, both of you. I made a promise to Emma is all, a promise to be here as long as she wants me to be.” Ruth nods, “okay. No proposals until college, alright? And no grandbabies either until she is done with nursing school” and Killian pales, letting out a shaky laugh. “Understood.” Ruth stands, “I am heading to work, so I will see you guys later, let the kids know I’ll be home around 4” and she kissed his hair and headed towards her room.

Killian finished his coffee and went to wake Emma, knowing she had to work but Dave headed him off at the steps. “Morning” Killian said, and Dave eyed him. “Sleeping over again Jones?” He nodded, I could lie and say it won’t be a regular thing, but your mom asked me to be here more, for Em, for you, for her. So, is that going to be a problem?” Dave looked at him and shook his head. “Just make sure you have clothes on, alright?” and Killian laughed and nodded. “I am heading to work, was going to wake Emma up before I head home” and Dave nodded. “See you later roomie” Killian taunted and laughed while Dave glared at him. “Still my sister man” and Killian ignored him still laughing.

He ran his fingers up Emma’s spine, her curls dried in a wild blonde tangle, and she looked so peaceful. “Em” he said kissing her cheek, and she stirred. “Hmmmm” “I’ve got to get to work, I’ll see you later love” and she peeked her eyes open and puckered her lips, and he kissed her soundly. “love you” she said sleepily, and he agreed. “Bye” and he grabbed his backpack heading home. Liam and Elsa were drinking coffee when he walked in, and Liam greeted him, Elsa coming to hug him.

“How are you, are the Nolan’s ok?” and he nodded. “As well as can be expected” he said leaning against the counter. “I am glad she told me” Liam said quietly. “I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself if we left and got a call, I wish I could stay to help her, return the kindness she has shown us since the day she met us” he said looking down at his hands. Killian came and clapped his hands on his brothers shoulders and kissed his head. “I’ll be doing that; you just focus on staying in one piece for us. But I have to get to work, dinner tonight, packing?” And Liam nodded. I’ll be home around 4, so I’ll just be boxing here, maybe I can help you take a few things to your new place, you have the keys, right?” and Killian nodded. “Alright, I will see you later. Bye Elsa” and he went to shower quickly and head off to work.

@captainswanouat @captainswoon @captain-swan-coffee @ao3feed-cs @kmomof4 @onceuponadaily @itsfabianadocarmo @lieutenantswan @kymbersmith-90 @killiansprincss @mrs-emma-swan-jones @hollyethecurious

@stahlop @hookedonkillianforlife87 @holdingoutforapiratehero​

@jrob64 @teamhook @purplehawkcaptain @sals86 @killiancomeback2me @killiansprincss @karlyfr13s @myfearless-love @resident-of-storybrooke

@thesschesthair @the-captains-ayebrows @jonesfandomfanatic @laschatzi @tiganasummertree @donteattheappleshook​ @purplehawkcaptain​ 

[senadimell]

Characters I like AKA ‘hurt face’ master post

The characters I like in movies and books are distinctly different. With books, I have all sorts of favorite characters, and I love that I know what they’re thinking. I just love a good deep third or first person. 

In contrast to books, there’s just something different about movies. We’re watching actors, and the visual component really dictates how I interact with film. I can get over a bad storyline if the emotional journey I’m watching looks real. 

When I’m watching a movie, I will almost always fall for lonely characters played by actors who can clearly express pain and sadness. Bonus points for guilt, insecurity, and a history of rejection. I will like them even if they’re not likable, or kind, or nice, or even good. They are visually compelling. Of course, I’ll love them even more if the backstory actually backs up why they’re in pain, and gives me a reason I shouldn’t dislike them beyond “they emote so pretty.” Experience with high school theatre productions has taught me there’s so much more to anger than volume, and so much more to sadness than tears; I’m in awe of actors who can communicate those emotions with subtlety and/or clarity.

So in real life, most of us aren’t that good at communicating with our faces, are we? For me, anyways, it’s hard to distinguish between tired, angry, or annoyed. When someone’s in pain or hurting, they rarely just look sad. Life’s not like a movie, when a good actor can show you exactly how a character feels without saying anything at all. I’m not so good at telling what people are thinking and often assume that that people are mad (and that they’re mad at me), when in reality I think pain must be more common. Most peole think of actors as imitating real people. I think they have to do more: they have to be expressive, and yet have it come off as genuine, so that we don’t even see the face but the character. 

I only just figured out why it was that when Frozen came out, I was obsessed with it. The story itself leaves a lot to be desired, but I was willing to excuse that. My phone was full of pictures of Elsa,  but most of them were stills from the movie rather than fan art. I had pictures of almost every face Elsa makes in Let it Go, when she just looks exhilarated and like she can’t believe how happy she feels. I also had every frame from when she hugs frozen Anna (pictured below). It was the first time I’d really seen an animated character visibly express insecurity, loneliness, self-rejection, guilt, and anxiety.*

This whole “visibly expressing negative emotions” thing is also one of the main why I’m obsessed with the first four seasons of Doctor Who. The Time War plot checks off every box, and Eccleston and Tennant are just brilliant about letting that emotion show through. 

Same thing goes for musical theatre. With cast recordings, the best is when you can just hear everything they’re saying in the way they sing things. Pretty Funny from Dogfight (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64-HBOsY50s) is just brilliant. Some other favorites: Track Down This Murder/Down Once More from Phantom, Empty Chairs at Empty Tables (see: all of Les Miserables, actually), I’m Not That Girl as well as its reprise and No Good Deed from Wicked, Satisfied and Burn from Hamilton**

There are these characters who are...awful. They have objectively done awful things. I don’t think their actions are excusable. Yet the visual part of my just loves to watch them because they’re in pain and it’s written all over their face. (Loki and Kylo Ren fall into this category for me). I want to make all of these excuses for them, and am not repulsed, and spend all of this time analyzing them because what the actors can do with their faces just sucks me in. 

Now that I think about it, this is probably why I hate Elijah Wood’s performance of Frodo. The boy had exactly four faces: happy, sad, sick, and demented

A warning: this is a rough collection of GIFs that don’t all match in shape and format. 

 I will take the ring to Mordor. 

Rose. 

In the most loving way possible, David Tennant as the 10th Doctor is rather melodramatic and constantly aggrieved, so I’m going to leave it at these two scenes even though I could probably mine a gifset from almost every episode he appears in post-Rose. 

Everything I am dies

Loki: 

Massacre your entire species to prove your worth and please your father

It’s just rocks and dust.

There was a war, and we lost. 

(I love just about every face Christopher Eccleston makes as the Ninth doctor, but will save that for another post.)

I actually didn’t care one way or the other for Alan Rickman’s Snape until this scene. After watching that, I was moved and reevaluated my whole take on the character. I don’t personally see Snape’s relationship with Lily as romantic like I once did, but I don’t think I would have gone back and evaluated the character as deeply as I did without first watching Rickman in that scene. I’m now firmly in the Snapedom. 

Frozen: 

Then leave.

AKA Viggo Mortensen breaks a toe.

This jerkface. 

Samantha Barks was amazing to watch and hear. 

Eddie Redmayne is a gift.

Anne Hathaway was phenomenal.

Les Mis was actually really hard to watch in movie theatres because there were so many closeups of the actors’ faces during intense emotional moments. It was a little overwhelming. 

Pearl Mackie is a gift.

Some concluding observations:  

This is a very white list. It was also feeling pretty male until I added Doctor Who companions and musicals. 

This was harder than I was expecting, emotionally. Here’s some more Bill Potts to lighten things up.

*Actually, one of the reasons I couldn’t stand Anna is because she comes off as completely ignorant when Elsa’s every expression is plainly written all over her face, even though narratively she has every reason to be in the dark. If Elsa wore the regular, confusing expressions most of us wear, Anna wouldn’t come off as so silly. (Also if she would stop talking for a few seconds and listen). If Elsa’s animations weren't so expressive, I probably would cut Anna a lot more slack naturally **After I had the privilege of seeing Hamilton, Quiet Uptown joins this list possibly the best bit of acting I have ever seen without a single word being said. You can’t completely hear it in the recordings, but Eliza’s face goes through about 50 emotions without even opening her mouth moving, and I was sobbing as I watched. 

[drethanramslay]

Chapter 2

Pairing: Cassian X MC ( for this chapter)

Warning: Slight swearing and violence

Word count: 3.2 K words

Chapter 1

Taglist: @choices-love-affair @miyakokurono @openheart12 @trappedinfandoms @noboundariesplease @nooruleman @madampugzalot @sekizincimektup @dailydoseofchoices @choicesfanatic86 @kaavyaethanramsey @junggoku @flyawayboo @whatchique @vampiregirlsblog @squishywizardhq @lilyvalentine (let me know if you want to added or removed from the taglist 😊)

Song: Cross your Mind by Niall Horan

forgive if I make any mistakes

I am an early bird.

I love the period just before the sun rises. To see the sun slowly come out of the cover of darkness and illuminate every thing in its wake is truly beautiful. The chirping birds, the cool breeze which blows against my face and to see the sky slowly become a mixture of different hues almost makes it feel like it heaven on earth.

Dawn. The start of a new day. The chance to rewrite your slate. To have a fresh start.

Just like the way the sun paints the night sky with a variety of colours, I try to bring the different shades of happiness in my life. I have seen so much violence and gory as a US Marshall that I am still surprised I haven't gone for therapy.

I think it's because I try to find the happiness in everything? I know sometimes it feels like finding a needle in haystack but no matter how ever small that reason is, it's always enough to hold on to.

I was sitting on the beach, crossed legs as I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the rising sun on my face and the sea breeze which whistled through my shoulder length brown hair. The feeling of the white sand in my hands and smell of the ocean made me feel alive. It's only during moments like this that I feel like the original me.

It's short, it's fleeting but a great reminder on how different I am now.

"Cassian?"

I turned and saw Adira walking towards me in nothing but my shirt and runner shorts. A smirk was pasted on her face as she sashayed towards me.

Being the lead on this case was... Interesting.

I learnt many quirks about her and the one which stood out the most was that, she was a grade A spoilt brat.

I am usually very respectful towards woman but damn, she drives me up the wall. Hell, she threw a fit when I tried making her wear a life jacket.

When we were on the houseboat to Nantucket, I debriefed her on the case and her identity. "So Adira, they finished putting together your cover. You'll be Adira aka Maliha Johnson, a working class girl who just lost her parents. The money your parents left you allowed you to purchase a small house on Nantucket, where you'll be working odd jobs to pay for the contractor helping you repair the weather damage on the place."

The look of aghast which painted her face almost made me wheeze. "Working class? Me?" I thought she was being comical and I just gave her grin. "What is wrong with that?"

I thought wrong.

"You want me? Adira Lockhart.. daughter of the CEO of Lockhart industries, the girl who has a motherfucking MBA, to scrub barnacles of yachts? Excuse me while I puke."

I observed her. Her hands were smooth with no callouses and her skin was flawless, with not a single scar. She was definitely one of those obnoxious rich people who thought that they were above everybody and that the poverty was a disease.

Yup, I hated them.

Serves her right, maybe she can learn a thing or two about humility.

"Yes, Adira that's how it's gonna be and I'm sorry you are going through this. We can't put you in some big place like your old job because that will be the first place they will look for you. We need to rework your entire cover identity so that it's completely different from what Adira Lockhart is."

She sighed and looked out on the ocean. "I was supposed to be settling into my new position at work... Not start a fresh."

I reached and squeezed her hand, conveying my empathy the best way I could. "It's hard to not feel like this is a punishment, but believe me you are doing the right thing. Not only will you be protecting yourself but, you will also be protecting the countless others when you testify."

She turned towards me, her hair whipping her face. "I hate it when I am not able to be in control of my life.." I turned towards her and gave a small smile our eyes meeting.

We stared at each other's eyes, the air between us cackling with lust and the need to be close to each other.

She was about to lean in when an icy gust ripped across the desk, spraying water all over her back.

She shrieked and I swear I momentarily became deaf.

"You need something to cover you up." As I was reaching for my jumper she stopped me.

"I'm fine without it." She said in a voice as cold as the ocean water.

"But, you are shive-" she stopped me with a hand up.

"No, I don't need it Cassian."

And it had been like that since the last week. The hot and cold moments. At one time she is all open, carefree and flirty and then suddenly like a flipped switch she will give Elsa a run for her money at being the coldest person. The silent treatment would be so harsh that it felt like my ears would ring.

She would throw major tantrums and I would have to end up doing maximum amount of work, but then she would profusely apologize by sucking my dick and ride me seven ways to Sunday.

Cassian, don't you love the challenge? The thrill of tasting the forbidden fruit? Don't be so harsh in judging her... She is going through shit.

But, it was surely a new experience. It felt natural to wake up next to her and it was natural to make breakfast in the morning, even if she didn't eat it. I felt like I was the mother hen, trying to make sure she ate and was physically fine so that she won't slip into depression.

And it's a proven fact that exercise get the endorphins rushing through your veins so, I have taken up the responsibility of teaching Adira how to fight so that if I'm compromised, she can at least defend herself.

"Good morning, your highness. Shall we begin?"

"I'm sorry I'm late... a certain someone kept me up till late night." She said with a smirk as she picked up the jumping rope near me.

I just rolled my eyes playfully and started skipping rope.

We did our warm ups which included running and basic stretching. There was teasing and playful shoving which made the entire thing fun. Her eyes would trail to my abs whenever I picked up my singlet to wipe the sweat of my face. And my eyes would trail to the sweat trailing down her chest into her cleavage.

I am not one to deny the view.

"Okay Adira, we have mastered basic punches and blocks but, it's not always gonna be that easy... Have you watched 'Knight and day'?"

"The Tom Cruise movie? Hell yeah."

"Great. So do you remember the part when the bad guy wrapped his arms around-" I went behind her and wrapped my arms around her chest tightly, trapping her hands there "-like this?"

She started breathing heavily. "Yeah.."

"Good. Hands like Houdini. Put your palms down and all at once, throw your hands to the ground and move your hips back."

She did that but, ended up falling on the ground with a smile.

"Nice. The other guy won't know what hit him."

I reached forward and held my hand out. She grabbed and stood up, dusting off the sand on her ass.

"Are you ready for work?" I asked as we started walking back home.

"Ugh nooo." She whined.

I chuckled. "Adira its-" a sudden crash and bang sounded from the house and I stopped in my tracks, my shoulders tensing.

Adira was going to open her mouth to say something but I help up my hand to quieten her.

"There is someone in there." I quietly whispered as I picked up the gun which I had buried in the rose bushes. I stepped in front of her. We entered through the back door and tip toed in.

"The place could be surrounded, stay close to me."

"What if it's them?"

I reached down and squeezed her arm. "I will protect you."

I grasped the gun tightly and Adira just clinged onto my arm. Stepping into the house, I noticed every nook, corner and shadow. Another bang resounded and Adira shrieked and my eyes narrowed onto the open front door.

Moving slowly, I led her to the door and checked the handle.

"No signs of forced entry." I said as I let go of the door.

"But why... Oh." As realization dawned on her.

"What do you mean by oh?" I asked as I turned towards her.

She looked away, guiltily and stared at her feet. "I may have opened the door for getting the newspaper... Guess I never shut it."

What.. the FUCK?

I take my hand down my face, trying to keep my anger at bay. Can't she understand that even the smallest mistake and she could die? Just the smallest feeling of security and she could be on the floor with her throat slit? Is it so hard to understand that this is WITSEC and not some fucking vacation in the Hamptons?

"Adira, how am I supposed to protect you when you're literally leaving the door wide open for the people who want to kill you?" I asked through clenched teeth.

She just crossed her arms and let out a huff of frustration. She just turned the other way.

How dare she have the audacity to get angry?

"Fine. Nice chat. Go for a bath and we are going to work."

She stomped up the stairs and shut the bathroom door so hard that it resounded throughout the entire house.

Well, annoying Adira is back at it again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I trailed behind Adira, trying to match her pace, but she just kept stomping on the sand, full steam ahead.

"Walking angrily on sand doesn't have the effect you're going for. Unless you're trying to look cute." I called out to her.

She just huffed and walked even faster. I ran a couple of steps and fell into stride with her. "UGH! Can you not?"

"I'm just trying to do my job ya know? Try to protect you from a mob that is after your life?"

"I hate this. I'm sick of being escorted around."

"But Adira-"

"Shut the fuck up Cassian." I raised my hands in surrenderance, not wanting to ruin her mood even more.

"I'm sorry Adira."

Apologizing will make it better, right? Even if it isn't my fault?

"And you should be." She said haughtily.

I could have given a fucking powerpoint presentation on how this wasn't my fault but I would really like to keep my balls intact so I just shut the fuck up. Avoid conflict, they say. The shit we men go through...

We reached the lobster shack but, Adira didn't slow down her pace. This resulted in her feet getting tangling in the fish nets on the deck. She let out a huge groan and stared at the sky as if to ask "Why is it happening to me?"

What a drama queen... But, I still like her.

"Do you want me to help you?" I asked, preparing myself for a brutal rejection.

She just sighed and looked up at me with her tired blue eyes. "Yes please."

I bent down and slowly untangled the net out if her ankle. After I was done, I slid my arm up her calf and smiled up at her.

"There."

She gave me a soft smile. "Thanks Cassian."

I was going to say something when Renata called out to us. "Why are you both standing there doin' nothin'? The lobsters aren't going to shuck themselves!!"

Adira rolled her eyes and said lowly. "Well, that shucks."

Barking out a laugh, we both headed to the shed to get on with our work.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was outside the shed doing my work when I heard Renata sigh with frustration. "This... Is really getting my goat!"

I couldn't help but snort. Who even says that nowadays?

"Anything I can do to help?" Adira's voice spoke up. I stopped my work so that I could hear how their conversation goes.

I heard a loud crash and bang which made me flinch. Renata really must be pissed.

"Rockport Dining needs fifty-seven ounces by tonight, and I keep losing track. Numbers have never been my strong suit."

Please Adira don't blow your co-

"Well, you're in luck. After years in finance, there's nothing I can't keep track of in my head." I heard her gleeful smile.

I sighed and pinched my nose in frustration. This is just like Jonah all over again.

I heard Renata's loud boisterous voice which I swear, the entire town could have heard. "Aren't you full of surprises!"

"Everyone has their surprises."

Yeah and your fucking surprises will be the death of me.

"I knew you had that smart look about you. Any other secrets locked away in that head of yours I should know about?" Renata asked in a teasing manner and my eyes started surveying the area, to see any suspicious activity.

You never know when your enemies can creep up on you and one stumble, boom you are dead.

But it was crowded and it was hard to narrow in on any suspects.

I creeped close to the door of the shed and peeked in. Adira had a fake smile plastered on her face and said, "No of course not. I'm an open book."

Renata laughed. "We'll just have to get our hands dirty together then Let me get you a new pair of gloves." She headed for the door and I blended myself in the shadows so that she couldn't notice me.

She leaves and I storm inside the shed and throw the bucket of crabs on the floor.

"Grab your things and tell Renata you are quitting." I said as I started taking my own gloves out.

"WHAT? Why?'

I took a deep breath, trying to prevent myself from breaking out. "She's going to start asking questions about how someone with your work history ended up here. Your cover is blown, Adira. Let's go." I reached for her hand but she just pulled away.

Rolling her eyes, she turned to her work station. "Nothing will happen, you are just being paranoid."

She. Just. Didn't.

I was just gonna speak up but Renata came in, bustling. I casually leaned against the wall, staring at Adira with hard eyes. "So tell me more about your talents. My son is finance so he might know more about this topic."

I smoothly cut in. "I'm sorry Renata but Maliha needs to leave. There has been a family emergency."

Adira's eyes widened before she played along, stammering." Yeah.. uh there has been an emergency. I have to quit."

She was heading out when Renata grabbed her hand, eyes full of compassion. "Maliha, I'm a mother too. And I know that look in your eyes is sheer fear. I don't know what it is, but I hope everything is okay."

Without saying anything, Adira turned and fell into step with me.

We biked back to the house, but I still couldn't shake off the feeling that we were caught. That maybe, just maybe they are on to us.

And that's because she couldn't keep quiet.

I saw Adira peek at me from the corner of the eye. She opened her mouth to say something but ended up not saying anything.

And I'm damn glad she didn't because I swear to god, I would have snapped so hard.

After a few minutes, Adira blurted out. "How many times have you done this? You must be an expert in helping other people leave their lives behind."

I sighed. "Don't get comfortable. The moment you do, you'll make a mistake you can't take back."

Adira stayed quiet as we peddled the rest of the way. We parked the bicycles and I bent down to put the chain on the wheels.

I entered the house and headed to the kitchen while, Adira went up the stairs. I sighed and started getting dinner ready. The sun was setting over the ocean and the sky was a mixture of pink and blues, as if it was confused as to which colour it wanted to show. The sun gleamed a vermilion hue and it painted the entire house orange in its wake.

I heard the shower run and I took out the cutting board to cut some vegetables. I was thinking of making stir-fry with a side of noodles. And I didn't care if Adira didn't fucking like it or not.

I cut the vegetables, pouring in all my day's frustration into massacring them. I took a break and grasped the counter tightly as I let out a sigh.

I stood up and looked out fo the window, to see the dying sun. But that's not what caused me to grasp the knife tighter.

A reflection.

A reflection that was not Adira.

I ducked and the crow bar whistled over my head. I turned and flipped the knife so that I could hold it tighter. Let's call the intruder Thing 1.

Thing 1 tried to go for my head again, but I blocked his hand and punched his face with my left hand.

Disoriented, his grip on the crowbar loosened. Seizing the opportunity I twisted his arm and disarmed him. A parry of blows were exchanged but I managed to stab him twice in the gut. Moving like water I ended up behind him and got him in a headlock.

"Lights out motherfucker." I said as I snapped his neck, ending his life.

But that wasn't the end of it.

I was tackled to the ground by another person. I ended up hitting my temple on the counter edge and I swear, I heard ringing. Things were blurry and I saw the guy lift a knife, trying to stab me but I was quick.

Making an 'X' with my hands, I blocked the knife and it stopped inches from my face. “Oh you just. did, not....Not the face asshole.” I reared my leg up and kicked him as hard as I could on the balls.

"Fuck." Thing 2 said with a thick Irish accent as he writhed on the floor.

"Take this you cunt." I kicked him hard in the ribs and picked up the crowbar.

"Say hello to Thing 1, when you meet him in hell." That being said I hit him hard on the head which ended with him having a cracked skull.

"ADIRA!" I called out as I ran up the stairs, tightening my grip on the crowbar.

The bathroom door was open but I heard the crash of the lamp and a high pitched scream from the bedroom.

I kicked open the door and there was Adira.

But that's not what made my blood boil.

The asshole was standing there, his arms around her, trapping her.

With a gun pointing at her head.

well well... guess who is going to have his ass handed

can we just say that angry Casian is hot yeah?

I will probably post the third chapter next week? because currently I'm taking writing requests for hitting 400 followers and to fill the void of Ethan Ramsey in my heart

maybe you might get to see the character I have been raving about next week?

like, comment and reblog!! tell me what do you think will happen?

[msjr0119]

Love, Fate, Destiny

Part 13

Riley Brooks is a waitress in a ‘Dive bar” in New York. One Saturday night, her past comes back to haunt her as some unfamiliar punters enter her bar on a bachelor party- one of them being someone who she was once close to.

*CHARACTERS BELONG TO PIXELBERRY*

WARNINGS: Swearing 🤬

Tags

@annekebbphotography @burnsoslow @drakesensworld @ladyangel70 @kingliam2019 @bbrandy2002 @butindeed @bascmve01 @drakewalker04 @pedudley @captain-kingliamsqueen @duchessemersynwalker @insideamirage @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld @kozabaji @texaskitten30 @ibldw-main @kimmiedoo5 @nikkis1983 @dangerouseggseagleartisan @gnatbrain @walker7519 @lodberg @cmestrella @hopefulmoonobject @addictedtodrakefanfic @angi15h @liamxs-world @rafasgirl23415 @notoriouscs @yukinagato2012

*****

Leo smirked, he knew they couldn’t do anything. He was a Prince after all. Even if he wasn’t a Prince, he was defending his friend and had Liam and Riley as witnesses.

“You can’t arrest me, I’m a Prince from a small country called Cordonia. So I assume you’ll be aware of a little term known as Crown Immunity.” Becoming all cocky, he googled himself - proving his identity.

“Sorry your highness. But we will need to ask a few questions regarding the events that have taken place tonight.” Leo apologised to everyone- explaining that he wouldn’t be long.

“Ri, I’m taking you to hospital- just to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine Drake. I feel fine. I just need to go home.” Drake felt disheartened, he wanted to stay with her. Feeling selfish, he didn’t care- he left her for years, then she had left him for months. He needed to make amends, even if it would be baby steps.

“I’ll take you to hospital- then I’ll take you to wherever home is. I want to protect you. I love you. Ever since you left, I missed you. I pined for you every single second of each day.” Riley nodded in response, allowing him to escort her to the hospital- if Drake didn’t persuade her to go, it wouldn’t be long before the others decided to drag her stubborn ass there.

******

Arriving at the emergency room, Riley felt guilty- she wasn’t a priority to be checked out she felt fine now. Just had a few memory blanks. The nurses did a blood test, and a rape test just in case- for precaution as they said, another pointless thing that was costing the hospital Riley believed.

“The rape test was negative. I know you said it would be but it’s just for precaution.”

“I haven’t had sex in nine months. And he didn’t even get anywhere near me like me.” Drake looked at her, knowing yet assuming that he was the last person she had slept with.

“We will discharge you for now. If you have any of the symptoms listed on the leaflet please come straight back.” Screwing the leaflet up, and shoving it in her bag- she knew she wouldn’t need to know what was written on it. She finally started to feel herself again even though she was extremely tired.

“I’m fine. I was sick. My friends saved me from him doing anything else.”

“That’s good that you have friends looking out for you.”

Drake escorted Riley out of the room, grateful that she was becoming ‘Brooks’ again.

“Are you coming back with me?” Hoping she would say yes, he wanted to make up for missed time. “Or I can take you home, wherever that is. Leo’s text, they aren’t pressing charges- to say he abdicated he’s still using the prince card to his full advantage.”

“Can I stay with you? Before you go back to Cordonia.”

“Of course you can.” Who said I was going back to Cordonia?

******

Arriving back at the hotel, everyone had gone to bed. Drake opened the door to his room, last time they were here was the first time they’d seen each other in months. The time that she ran out of the room assuming he had married some one.

“Can I use your shower please, I feel disgusting after all those tests and his grubby hands over me.”

“Of course you can. What’s mine is yours. I’ll lend you one of my shirts.”

“Thanks Drake. You’re a star.”

“Only for you.” Blushing she entered the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror she was in a predicament. Allowing the luke warm water to flow down her body, her thoughts remained on what her future would be. Drake had her initials tattooed on his wedding finger, he wore a fake wedding ring to prevent girls hitting on him. Could she go back to Cordonia, facing Kiara and Madeleine? Would Kiara always use the pregnancy card against Riley. When she first met Drake, he was in a relationship with her best friend- deep down she fantasied about him. When they became a couple, losing her virginity to him, the in between moments they shared made her believe in true love. When he abruptly left without a goodbye it broke her heart. Seeing him in the bar all those years later, she thought about their future again. Then she left, all because he lied to her to prevent any further hurt. They needed their heads banging together. It’s in the past. Look to the future.

****

Getting out of the shower, she dried herself before putting on Drakes shirt. Inhaling his scent, made her heart flutter.

“Hey, I was starting to worry that you’d fallen asleep in the bathroom.” God she looks hot wearing my clothes. She’s beautiful anyway.

“No. I’ve been thinking.” Sitting next to Drake on the edge of the bed, she noticed him admire her before responding to her.

“So have I.”

“Can I speak first?” Drake nodded.

“So we are both pretty fucking useless with relationships aren’t we? There’s always a barrier between us. Then one of us stupidly runs away- with the lack of communication.” Holding her hands, he believed this was her way of saying goodbye. His heart was breaking, he knew it wasn’t just her it was him. But he would do everything in his power to keep her.

“Ri, please don’t leave me. I promise I’ll put you first.”

“We can’t promise each other that- we’ve both fucked up in the past. We keep coming back together- then something else will happen. I can’t go through that heartbreak anymore Drake.”

“Don’t you think it’s hurts me too Riley? When I was with Lola all I thought about was you. The wanting to touch you. To be near you. Then when we met again after I left, I thought we was getting somewhere even if you were a fake suitor for Liam. I lied because I knew you’d leave me for a stupid mistake. I love you Riley. And if you are leaving me again, I just want you know that you will always have my heart. I’ll be loving you til were 70.”

“Are you quoting Ed Sheeran on me? Seriously Walker.”

“It’s the truth.” Standing up, he pulled her into his embrace. Grabbing her arse that was on show- he wanted her. He wanted to claim her as his once more.

“I love you. I missed you. I want you in my arms every night. I’m not going back to Cordonia.”

“What?”

“You heard me Ri. I’m not going back. I’m a nobody there. When I’m with you I feel complete.”

“Drake you’re a ‘Sir’ in Cordonia... you may not be a noble but you are someone.”

“Liam gave me that title because he felt sorry for me, I’m his friend. He has Olivia now. Before he dragged you to Cordonia I was going to leave anyway. To be with you. I don’t think you understand how hurt I’ve been these last nine months.”

“You’re not the only one Drake. Nine months is nothing compared to years!” Riley snapped, not realising how harsh she sounded.

“So you’d just sleep me out of pity? Am I wasting my time?”

“Drake....”

“Don’t Drake me. I’ve fucked up plenty of times in my life- I’m not getting any younger. If you don’t want me I’ll leave you alone. Just let you pretend that I never existed.”

“You will always exist, you were my first.”

“I want to be your last too.” Searching his eyes for reassurance, she could tell he was being sincere.

“Just give me one reason why I should let you go? I will move here- I’ll get a job, I’ll do anything to be with you. You’re so stubborn, as much as it’s annoying I still love you...”

“I love you too... I always have and I always will.”

“So what’s stopping us?”

“Me.”

“No shit Sherlock. Please Riley I’m begging you. Don’t break my heart anymore.”

“I will break your heart though, that’s just it. Not intentionally anyway... you’ve always said you wanted a family. Daniel and Lola have Elsa now...”

“Elsa?”

“Their baby... their baby who Liam thought was mine and yours. She’s beautiful Drake, look....” Riley showed him her Instagram post that Liam has got his wires mixed up with.

“Yes she is.” Riley could see hurt in his eyes- she knew it wouldn’t be because it was his ex’s baby. Knowing instead that he had always wished for a family.

“When you left me all those years ago, they struggled to conceive. They were my friends, I offered to change their life by being their surrogate....”

“Why would you do that?”

“They are my friends... but it didn’t matter. After many attempts it didn’t work. The doctors said... they said....” Riley began crying uncontrollably. Drake had an inkling at what she was going to confess if she could control her emotions. Pulling her close to him, his heart sunk as she fell into his embrace.

“I can’t have children Drake... you want a family. When I found out about Kiara, it really hit home. Then for you to deny it made it worse.” Cupping her cheeks, he wanted no he needed her to look into his eyes before he elaborated on what she had just said.

“All I ever wanted was a family, but before that I wanted you in my life. Forever in my life.”

“Really? You’d still want me if I can’t give you what you truly desire?”

“If and when the time comes to that, we can adopt? IVF? Surrogacy? I love you Riley. Come back to Cordonia with me, to pack and say goodbye to everyone. Then we can live here, or wherever you want to live.”

******

Madeleine met up with Kiara, she had been doing her research on the mysterious Riley Brooks who abruptly left the social season all those months ago. Finding her ex’s social media page, she realised that Leo now owned his own modelling agency- and who was his number one model? Riley.

Explaining to Kiara what she had found, Kiara felt slightly jealous looking at how great Riley looked. They all had suspicions that Drake and Riley had some sort of relationship- after her disappearance he would be more grumpy than usual, almost suicidal due to the amount of drinking he was doing.

“Why don’t you try and do some modelling yourself Ki? We will send them to Drake? He will soon want you back.”

“I won’t look as good as Riley.”

“Riley? Who?” Madeleine smirked, knowing Riley was in the states, if she had anything to do with it - Riley Brooks would never step foot in Cordonia again.

[ahtohallan-calling]

chapter 4 of love is the only thing we can carry with us (kristanna slowburn/angsty but cute/no magic au, rated t) is up!

next chapter // all chapters

“What a sweetheart,” she cooed. “At least you’re not grumpy, huh? I bet you love to make new friends.” “Trust me, once you get Sven started talking, he won’t stop,” Kristoff deadpanned, and Anna looked up at him, blinking in surprise. “Did you just make...was that a joke?” “Keep talking to him, and you’ll find out,” he said, doing his utmost to sound ominous.

She must hate me, Kristoff thought, wincing as he closed the door behind him. The conversation had stuttered to a halt, no thanks to him. He’d never been good at talking to people, especially strangers; he’d always avoided that side of things growing up, preferring to run errands or do chores while his mother and grandfather did the actual nursing work. But after his mother had passed away, and Grandpapa had needed a new full-time helper, he’d been forced to at least start trying to make conversation with people in their care.

Trying, of course, didn’t always mean succeeding. 

It didn’t help that he had a nagging feeling that maybe he actually had met this girl before. When he had come running and found her standing over that pile of ragged old curtains, nose pressed to the window like she was looking for something...well. He’d wanted to ask her, there and then, what she remembered of her first visit to the mountains. Because seeing her stand there, seeing that look in her eye, like an animal caught in a trap…

And instead, he internally berated himself, you said something stupid about the drapes.

And then he’d stayed up there for far longer than he needed to, remaking the bed he’d just gotten ready that morning, arranging her trunks, straightening the furniture, all in an attempt to put off making further conversation with her just a little bit longer. It wasn’t that she annoyed him, though he had a feeling that was what she suspected; it was that he couldn’t stop racking his brain to figure out if he knew her or not, and that made coming up with something worth saying even harder than usual.

The royal family had owned this cottage for years, but he hadn’t remembered them using it in ages, at least not for anything more than an occasional quick weekend away for the king and queen, but even that had been years ago. At first, he’d dismissed the thought that maybe he’d met Anna before, thinking he would remember a princess without much effort. But if she had come when she was very young, back when he was too busy adjusting to life with his adoptive family to think of much besides proving he was worth being kept around, when he’d spent every waking moment trying to prove he could be brave and strong and useful and every sleeping moment trapped in nightmares where it still wasn’t enough…

Kristoff shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind; just remembering those days opened a cold, yawning pit in his stomach. More than likely, he was just imagining things; Anna had probably come and gone long before he first arrived. But as he made his way back down the hill, his eyes lighted on the massive oak tree in the front yard. Feeling drawn to it somehow, like he had been pulled into a dream without quite realizing it, he turned and walked towards it, pressing his hands against the rough bark. It was taller now, and so was he, but somehow standing here he felt very small again, in more ways than one. 

Hidden by the branches, he dared to look up at the house.

She was there in the window, looking out at something in the distance, sunlight glinting on the copper of her hair, and suddenly the memories rose in him as if a hidden well in his heart had just been struck. The little girl he had hated so much, the one with the red hair and so many visitors. He hadn’t understood then why she was so sad, why she had been kept inside for so long. And now that he did--

Kristoff turned away and headed down the hill, shoving his hands in his pockets. No point on dwelling on things he couldn’t do anything about. And besides-- so what if he remembered her? That didn’t mean she remembered him. 

The whole way back to his cabin, he thought he could hear the soft sound of weeping carried by the breeze.

The next morning, he found himself trying not to nod off into his bowl of oatmeal while his grandfather gave him very firm instructions for Anna’s care.

“You didn’t have to come over,” he said through a yawn. “I promise, I know what I’m doing. You guys taught me well enough.”

His grandfather’s lips pressed together into a thin line. “You’ve never cared for a princess before.”

“Well, she’s still a person, isn’t she?”

“She’s more than that, and you and I both know it,” Grandpapa said sternly. 

Kristoff bit back a response. He didn’t know why his grandfather’s attitude about Anna bothered him so much; after all, she was royalty, the heir to the throne, and if her heart were to give out before Elsa or she had married, it could spell tragedy for Arendelle.

Grandpapa, sensing his surrender, resumed his list of instructions. “She needs sunlight and fresh air, but not too much exercise. She’s still recovering from pneumonia, so there’s already a heavy strain on her lungs and her heart, and as the queen said, her heart has always been weak. Any further exertion--”

“I know, I know,” Kristoff said, standing up suddenly and shoving his chair back into place. He didn’t know why he couldn’t bear the thought of his grandfather finishing that sentence; it was just a reality, after all, that even once this girl finished recovering from pneumonia, eventually, some other sickness or accident or shock to her system would come and that would be that. It happened to everybody; it had happened to Kristoff’s mother; it just would probably happen a little sooner than normal for Anna. It would happen to him someday, and the world would move on just fine.

His grandfather was still sitting there, eyebrows raised. “Are you sure you can do this?”

Kristoff gritted his teeth. “Do her shopping. Take notes of her breathing, her coloring, her appetite. Update you with any change. Update the queen once a week. Don’t let her know that really getting better will never actually happen. Am I forgetting anything?”

He didn’t bother to wait for an answer. Before his grandfather could respond, Kristoff was already out the door. Part of him felt guilty for being so rude, and a deeper part wondered if his grandfather ever regretted letting his daughter take him in in the first place. But he shoved those thoughts aside and made his way to the small stable, digging a carrot out of his pocket for Sven. 

“You see how messed this up is, right, buddy?” he asked the reindeer, scratching behind his antlers. “They don’t care enough about her to tell her the truth, so they shove her off on me?”

The only response was a grunt. Kristoff sighed. That wasn’t that part that was bothering him, not really. But if he let himself go down that path, then he really wouldn’t be able to get through this without ruining everything. Don’t question it, he reminded himself firmly as he finished hitching Sven to his wooden cart and climbed in, snapping the reins and heading off for the cottage on the hill at a clip. Just do what they say and think about how much the Queen is paying you.

It was more than enough to cover what he needed to survive, and beyond that, he didn’t want much, anyway. The rest was all going to his grandfather, then the extended family if they needed it. Maybe that, at least, would make up for his rudeness at breakfast.

He was still brooding when the cart crested the hill, so deep in his thoughts that at first, he didn’t notice the door to the cottage was wide open. It wasn’t until he heard a cheerful, “Good morning, Mr. Bjorgman!” that he snapped out of his reverie.

“Anna?” he called, jumping down from the cart and hurrying towards the door without even unhitching Sven. “Are you alright?”

She emerged with a bright smile, wearing a soft green dress that hung just a little too loosely off her frame. She was halfway through braiding her hair, with only one shoe on. “I wasn’t sure if I should expect you today, so I was going to take a quick walk into town. There’s just a few things I need, and I wanted to see if--”

“You can’t do that,” Kristoff interrupted with a frown.

Her face fell. “Why not?”

“You’re sick. You’ve got-- you’re getting over pneumonia, aren’t you?”

“Well...yes. But really, I feel much better. How long can it last, anyway? I’m sure I’m all better now, so no need to go on babying me. Elsa nearly drove me batty this winter, with all her--”

As she spoke, she tied off her hair and began searching for her second shoe. “Ah-- there you are! Anyway, Mr. Bjorgman, there’s no need to fret. You can go on and do whatever you need to here. It’ll probably be easier when I’m out of your way, anyway, won’t it?” He was questioning again whether or not this was really worth it. She had a point; if it really had only been pneumonia, she just might have been able to manage walking into town, provided she went slowly and took lots of breaks. But considering how weak she had already been before falling ill, how much more damage this had probably caused-- she couldn’t risk it. And he couldn’t risk letting her-- but how could he stop her from going without telling her why?

“I was-- well…” he started awkwardly, casting about for a reason. “Well, I figured you would need things. So I was coming to ask about them. Ask what you needed, I mean. And then pick them up for you so you wouldn’t have to bother.”

“Oh, it’s no bother at all! But I wouldn’t mind the company. That is, if you don’t mind company. If you do, then I guess I will just go on and--”

“I don’t mind,” he interrupted quickly, seeing his opportunity. “I still have the wagon hitched. Sven and I can take you down.”

She bit her lip, considering this. “Well...I was looking forward to a walk…”

“A walk is better than a reindeer?”

She brightened at this. “You have a reindeer?”

He stood back from the doorway, letting her peek out into the yard. With a squeal of delight, she ran out, still holding one shoe in her hand, and stopped in front of Sven. She paused to catch her breath, leaning on the corner of the wagon, and Kristoff hurried over. “You alright?”

She nodded, still smiling. “Can I-- can I pet him?”

“Sure.”

She reached out one hand to gently stroke the top of Sven’s head, eyes wide with wonder. When the reindeer snorted and rubbed his nose against her palm, she let out a surprised laugh.

“Here,” Kristoff said, offering her a carrot. She looked confused, and it was his turn to laugh. “Not for you, for him. He’s begging you for a treat.”

She took it then, and held it up to Sven’s muzzle, giggling when he delicately plucked it from her palm. “What a sweetheart,” she cooed. “At least you’re not grumpy, huh? I bet you love to make new friends.”

“Trust me, once you get Sven started talking, he won’t stop,” Kristoff deadpanned, and Anna looked up at him, blinking in surprise.

“Did you just make...was that a joke?”

“Keep talking to him, and you’ll find out,” he said, doing his utmost to sound ominous. 

Apparently, it worked, because Anna gave Sven a sidelong glance before looking back at Kristoff. “So...are you ready?”

He nodded and held out an arm to help her clamber into the wagon. He climbed up after her, making sure to maintain a respectable distance from her. “I’ve got a blanket down here if you need it,” he offered; despite the sunny weather, late April in the mountains could still feel chilly, especially for people used to valley life. 

She seemed to debate for a minute-- probably doesn’t want to seem weak, he thought-- before nodding. He unfolded the blanket he always kept stowed just behind the seat and carefully draped it over her lap, making sure not to actually make contact with her. When he pulled back, she was staring at him, an odd expression on her face, and he looked away, feeling heat creep up his neck. Could have just handed it to her, Bjorgman, he thought irritably, before tugging on the reins and directing Sven back down the hill.

For a few minutes, they rode in silence, which suited Kristoff just fine. His eyes kept sliding towards Anna, wondering what she was thinking. It wasn’t hard to grasp the gist of it; she was looking wide-eyed at the rolling green expanse of the mountainside as if it were a feast and she had never tasted anything but gruel. The third time he glanced her way, she caught him and flashed him a starry-eyed smile. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” she said breathlessly.

Me neither, he thought, surprising even himself. 

When he didn’t respond immediately, she bit her lip again and turned to face forward again; Kristoff mentally kicked himself for messing up the conversation yet again. “Sorry, I was just-- yes. It is beautiful,” he said. “I’m really glad I got to grow up here.”

The smile started to creep back onto her face. “I wish I’d grown up here, too.”

“But you’re a princess. The mountains are beautiful, but what have they got on a castle?”

“Everything,” she breathed, and the way she said it made him feel oddly proud of his home. 

He sat up a little straighter. “It’ll be even better in a couple of weeks when the flowers start blooming.”

She sighed happily. “I’ll have to write Elsa about this. She’ll have to come see it for herself. This is definitely happy ever after material.”

She had lost him again. “Happy...what?”

“You know, happy ever after. Like in books? Didn’t you ever think about what you’d want yours to be?”

“Not...really?”

She considered this for a minute. “Maybe it’s just something my sister and I do then. We spent a lot of time cooped up in the library growing up, or listening to our governess tell stories, and after a while we started thinking about how we’d like our own stories to end. So when we read a new story we really liked, or when we saw something really beautiful, we’d add it to our happy ever after. Sometimes just talking about them was even better than reading a book, because it was like a story, just for us. Especially when we--”

She paused suddenly; her hands had been fluttering around for emphasis as she spoke, but now they laid tangled together in her lap. “I’m-- I’m sorry. I know I tend to go on and on about nothing, so please just-- you know, tell me to shut up, or-- or whatever if I start to irritate you. Which I think I’m probably doing now-- so.”

Kristoff shook his head emphatically. “I don’t mind, really. Talk as much as you want.”

“I-- really?”

He nodded. “Like you said, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. Might as well talk.”

“Well-- are you sure? Even if I’m talking about something strange? I think now, after actually explaining it, the happy ever after game is probably really weird, so I’m sorry if that freaked you out, or if you think I’m crazy, which I’m not, which now that I think about it is what a crazy person would say--”

“I don’t think it’s weird. It sounds sort of...nice. I don’t have siblings, so I didn’t do anything like that growing up.”

She brightened. “Well, it’s never too late to start!”

“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“It’s easy. Just think about what would make you happiest, and what you’d like to do with your life, and who you’d like to spend it with, and there it is! And you can change it, of course, whenever you’d like.”

“What’s yours, then?”

“Well, I’ve had to change it just now, because it will have to include trips to this mountain to see the flowers every chance I get. But in my happy ever after, I fall terribly in love with a very handsome prince, and he whisks me away to a palace where there’s chocolate with every meal, and I have six cats and a dog, and a garden of my own.”

Anna peeked up at him from under her lashes. “It is silly, isn’t it? I’ve-- I’ve never told anyone besides Elsa about it. It hasn’t changed much since I was a little girl, really, just the number of animals.”

He shook his head. “Nothing wrong with doing something that makes you happy. Besides, it seems to be working out for you in a way, doesn’t it? Considering you’ll be getting whisked away by a prince after you leave here, right?”

She didn’t answer him. After a few moments, he glanced down and saw she was staring off into the distance, a sudden melancholy in her eyes. “Anna?”

“Hmm? Oh-- I’m alright. Just...got distracted. Anyway, now that I’ve gone and embarrassed myself by spilling my heart’s desires to a near stranger, it’s your turn. What would be in your happy ever after?”

He turned the question over in his mind. What did he want his future to look like? He’d never thought too much about it, had always assumed that his future would look much the same as the present: staying in the mountains, helping Grandpapa, taking care of Sven, spending as much time as he could in the woods. Beyond that, he wasn’t even sure what he would want; wasn’t all of that enough?

“Mr. Bjorgman?” 

“You can call me Kristoff,” he said absentmindedly. “Nobody calls me that. I just thought maybe princesses were supposed to.”

She laughed at that. “Well, maybe, but up here I really don’t feel like a princess at all! So no point in following etiquette, is there? I like it that you call me Anna, anyway, instead of “princess” or “my lady” or something like that. It’s nice to just be me for once.”

Before he could respond, he heard a voice calling, “Kris! I didn’t know you’d be here today!”

How did we make it to town already? he wondered, blinking in surprise before waving hello to the boy that was already running over to hug Sven around the neck. “Olaf, hey. What are you doing here?”

“Grandpapa sent me for more oatmeal,” came the cheerful response. “But we already have enough. I think he just got tired of me.”

Next to him, Anna snorted in amusement. Olaf looked up at her, excited to have a new person to pester. “Hi! What are you doing here?”

“Just visiting,” she responded. “What are you doing here?”

He laughed. “I live here, silly!”

Two peas in a pod, Kristoff thought drily as he climbed out of the wagon and held up a hand to help Anna get down. He couldn’t help but notice how small her hand felt in his, how soft her skin was against his callused palm, and how small she looked standing next to the cart; he had forgotten, sitting next to her, just how short she was.

“Well, I’ll be living here for a little while, too,” Anna said brightly. “So you’ll have to show me around. How do you know Kristoff, anyway?”

“Oh, we’re cousins! Kind of, not really, because neither of us have parents so we ended up in the same family.”

“Olaf--” Kristoff began, then stopped. Anna would have found that out eventually, anyway, and he’d long since come to accept that fact of his life. Still, he was grateful she didn’t look at him or Olaf with pity; she just let the boy lead her, still chattering away, to show her the highlights of the small village, leaving Kristoff to tie up the cart and wonder for the millionth time that day just how he had gotten in so far over his head. 

[aros001]

First time read through light novel vol. 12. Random thoughts.

Right off the bat and I love this illustration

of the aftermath of Subaru's various deaths. Just at a look and you're able to tell which loop and death it was. From left to right:

After the Witch Cult slaughters Emilia, the mansion, and villagers and Puck goes out to destroy the world. Though not sure if this is the loop where Puck and Subaru got to talk or it this is a loop before that.

Rem tortures and Ram mercy kills Subaru, likely lying and covering up their actions afterwards to Emilia.

Rem dies from the Shaman's curse and Subaru commits suicide, unfortunately doing so right in front of Beatrice and Ram.

Elsa murders Subaru and Emilia. Subaru's very first death.

Subaru is possessed by Petelgeuse and has to be put down.

I wasn't sure about this one at first but later in the book seems to imply this is after Subaru killed himself after Rem fell into a coma.

Echidna speculated that Subaru's save points were based just on what'd help him be most likely to overcome whatever killed him and that Satella likely didn't care about anyone else in his life. But with the black shadow devouring everything, save for Garfiel, and seemingly heading for the mansion next, I wouldn't be surprised if Satella actually is choosing the points that get rid of others who are important to Subaru so she can have his love all to herself. Rem's in a coma and Subaru can't go back further to save her from that fate and the only reason Emilia is still around is because a lot of the events that kill her tend to also kill Subaru, like Elsa and the Witch Cult, so her death wouldn't exist in a timeline where Subaru also gets to live. In arc 3 Subaru's save point was set after he and Emilia had that big fight and went their separate ways. I wouldn't be surprised if Satella set that point specifically because the two were driven apart and she didn't want Subaru to get a do-over.

Watching Ram, Ryuzu, and all the other people he cared about get swallowed whole, vanishing within the shadow.

But even after so many precious people were stolen from him, Garfiel refused to use revenge as an excuse to throw all decency aside. He wouldn’t tolerate any talk about a victory that involved sacrificing Subaru.

I like to think this is a little bit of a callback to some of Subaru's loops during arc 3, specifically when he was so lost in his selfishness and later his rage at the Witch Cult's massacres that he was somewhat blinded to everyone else and was throwing away his decency; something Garfiel is refusing to do. Again, I don't mind that Subaru has had moments where he's not a good person and has very serious character flaws because the story is about him continuously growing into a better person.

“In this world, when I heard ‘I love you’ spoken seriously to me for the first time...it gave me, an unredeemable bastard, enough power to make me think I could become a hero.”

He was a piece of garbage, twisted down, broken, and ready to flee from everything, but those words had made him believe he could face the future head-on, never giving in—to challenge it once more, over and over, however many times that it took.

As sad as I am that Rem's not in the story anymore aside from being a near lifeless husk, I am glad that her importance on the story and Subaru specifically is still strong. Honestly, all shipping aside, I'm mostly upset that, because of the coma, all of Rem's character development has pretty much been put on hold. I was enjoying seeing her grow and the ways she was reacting to events in the story. For the audience, having her be in a coma is maybe worse than her being killed because there's that hope she'll come back and you're continuously waiting for her to do so; waiting for that part of the story to be allowed to continue.

What could he say, what should he say, that would rub the Witch the worst way? There was no one better armed to get under someone else’s skin than Subaru. So he knew.

Accordingly, Subaru gave a shallow, cruel laugh, turning a look of scorn toward the Witch.

“—I’d rather love Echidna and the other Witches than you.”

...Yeah, that oughta do it. Seriously though, I almost felt all the sound go out in the world at reading that line, that's how much of an "Ohhhhh shit." moment it was, with there being nothing Subaru could have said to piss the witch off more.

I suppose Satella (and Subaru) consuming and becoming one with everything can relate to envy. No need to be envious of what others have when you are both them and what they possess.

He had seen the Witch’s face in the moment just prior to Return by Death —and it was the same face as Emilia’s. After straddling death to come back, he had dragged along a fear of the Witch that stuck with him.

It's temporary but I do like this. For a moment Subaru is in a similar position as those who naturally live in this world. He knows that Emilia is not the Witch of Envy, just as most people in the world could obviously understand, but because of the strong resemblance (and Satella possessing Emilia's body) he can't not see Satella when he looks at her and feel that fear. Obviously it's still wrong to have that prejudice against Emilia and other half-elves whom have done nothing to harm anyone but having even Subaru feel that fear, even for just a moment, does make it very understandable why the people of this world have trouble letting go of it.

I know this is bothering me more than it should and it's not a criticism towards the series, but I always feel bad that Subaru has this perception around him of being a little bit of a crybaby, or at least easily upset and needing to be soothed. Don't get me wrong, I make no demands that the MC always be seen all ultra-masculine manly but from the perspective of others it does seem like Subaru breaks down easily. In the mansion arc with Subaru working himself sick and crying into Emilia's lap to the White Whale arc where Subaru gave up and asked Rem to run away with him to now where Emilia is needing to comfort him inside Echidna's tomb. We the audience know these breakdowns are VERY well deserved after the horrors Subaru has been through and he really needs the comfort, but the other characters don't know and it just looks like he's cracking over nothing. I like Subaru and it sucks that he keeps getting seen as a bit of a crybaby, especially in front of the woman he loves. Emilia doesn't make a big deal of it and Subaru has done plenty to prove his worth and bravery before, but I still can't help but feel a little bad for the guy.

I'm wondering if there's an implication that Emilia's doing better during this loop is because she now feels she's fighting/being strong for Subaru? Kind of like how Subaru has found strength in fighting for her and the others he cares about.

“I did think about it, so I asked Ram to keep him occupied. In the meantime, it’s a date between you and me, Ryuzu.”

“I am unsure what it is you mean by dayte...but I cannot defy you at this point, Young Su. You may do with me and the girl here as you wish.”

“That’s giving in a little too much!"

What is with people continuously thinking Subaru wants to defile them?! Is it the eyes? (It's probably the eyes)

I've heard tales before that Subaru comes to be known as the Lolimancer. Given he now has authority over Ryuzu and a practical army of replicas, I can kind of see that. And it's glorious. Nothing crushes your enemy quite like their opponent throwing a little girl that them...and winning.

Then, after a momentary pause, she slowly nodded and said, “—Ahhh, I understand now. Betty is probably entrusting you with her final moment because...”

Once he heard the answer, there was no going back. —He was certain of it.

And yet, his decision came too late. He had realized too late. It was too late for everything.

“—Sorry to intrude mid-conversation, but...”

A voice he should not have heard spoke. Hastened by a terrible chill, Subaru flipped around.

Then he saw her.

“—Is it all right if I become That Person for you, I wonder?”

Carrying a black curved blade in her hand—a kukri knife—the black- clothed Bowel Hunter stood at the archive’s entrance.

F**K! OFF! ELSA!

Crystal arrows were thrust through her entire body, half of it shattered like inorganic matter. Such was Elsa’s death.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, BITCH!

Beatrice’s eyebrows fell as she let out a breath of instantaneous relief, forming a thin smile in the process.

—The tip of a black blade was poking out of her chest.

“—My, what an odd feeling in the hand. A spirit’s belly really is different.”

DAMMIT!

“The letter...that’s right. I wrote a letter. I wrote everything on it, that’s why. I really meant to tell you about everything, but...”

“Tee-hee.”

Ohhhhhhhh no, that's never a good sign. Dark tomb dedicated to a witch, everything else outside going wrong, and Emilia just gives a little giggle like that, talking about how lonely she was and how much she loves him? She didn't even comment on how he's MISSING AN EYE.

Funny enough, for this part I am being reminded of a reaction I had while reading the Goblin Slayer light novels. "Oh, thank goodness this character was only severely beaten and about to be sacrificed to summon a demon old god into the world." "Oh, thank goodness. Emilia's not possessed or under some terrible curse. She's just cracked from mental strain and trauma." It's just one of those times where I have to take a moment and think about what kind of series I'm reading where I'm relieved a major character has only gone insane.

It is kind of cool how she's in a way going through a similar experience as Subaru has. Repeatedly going through a continuous loop of failures she can't overcome but feels she has to for the sake of others, until she finally just hits her breaking point.

I do like how even just Roswaal talking about RBD is enough for the witch to grasp Subaru's heart, even though Roswaal figured it all out on his own. I'm also glad I saw the "Memory Snow" OVA because it does add a nice (and really messed up) layer to Roswaal's manipulations. That even a happy and completely innocent time like that, seeming to exist for no other reason than to give the audience a nice breather before arc 3, was something he figured out how to use to his advantage. It makes him feel like even more of a devious bastard, that he'll be taking such a pleasant and pure memory and using it to get the villagers to fear Emilia.

“The current you is insufficient to bring about the future indicated in the text. Any discrepancy with that recorded requires a correction.”

That makes me curious about how specifically the book works. Before Roswaal and Beatrice were making it sound like the book foretold futures that would happen no matter what, but this line implies that Subaru currently is unable to make that future come to pass, making it sound more like the book describes the specific ways required to make the foretold future happen. Then again, Subaru isn't from this world, so is he maybe somewhat exempt from the book's prophecies? Or is he a requirement for fulfilling them? Roswaal caught on to Subaru's looping because of the book, but how? Is the future changing every time Subaru loops and because Roswaal has read ahead he knew what the future originally was and thus noticed when it changed? Subaru also speculates that Roswaal has the ability to inherit memories like Echidna and thus he can remember the previous timelines, but I feel like he'd be able to understand that the loops were caused by Subaru dying then, since that's the common trait among all of them. Roswaal also says there's no point in talking about thing since he will not be the same Roswaal Subaru meets when he loops again, so I'm assuming that means he can't inherit memories or the new Roswaal, while not the same as the previous loop, would remember his and Subaru's conversation and be able to continue it.

So to recap:

Rem, Petra, and Frederica are murdered after Subaru sent them to the village to keep them safe

He has to watch as Elsa murders a suicidal Beatrice

Elsa cuts out his left eye

He's caught in a harsh snowstorm wearing only a ripped up tracksuit

Emilia, the woman he loves, has a mental breakdown

Roswaal murders Ram and Garfiel right in front of him and admits he deliberately drove Emilia into isolation

Roswaal tortures Subaru in order to try and get him to loop

Rabbits eat Roswaal alive right in front of Subaru and likely are doing the same to the rest of Sanctuary, save for those whom chose suicide by fire rather than being eaten

The replicas are killed defending Subaru under his orders and he still got half-mauled in the process

His first kiss was at the very moment of his death by an insane Emilia

All in all, today's been something of a bummer for Subaru, hasn't it?

In all seriousness though, SOMEONE GIVE THE MAN A HUG!!!

And let's just keep the pain train rolling with Subaru being shown the aftermath of his death after Rem fell into a coma. Seriously, that was heart wrenching, between Emilia's sobbing to Wilhelm's desperation to save him and unable to understand how someone he genuinely respected could take his own life like that.

I kind of suspected this already given the first trial made Subaru confront his past, or at least a version of it, but now with the second trial being "the unknowable present" I'm assuming the three trials are based around past, present, and future respectively.

“—Goodness, can you even stand anymore? Subaru.”

...

For she was the girl who knew Subaru was not strong yet had said to him anyway, “I love you.”

“—Rem.”

“Yes. I am Subaru’s Rem.”

REM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care if it's the Witch of Lust trying to trick him, the story made me need that as much as Subaru did.

“If I was stronger, if I was wiser, if I was a man who could do more...no one would have to suffer, to be sad, to go through hard times like that...”

It would have been so much better if Subaru had been strong enough to do everything, all of it, alone.

Emilia’s sadness, Beatrice’s loneliness, the calamity befalling Petra and Frederica, the menace of the Great Rabbit, Garfiel, who was desperately protecting something... He should have been able to do...something.

Everything, all of it, every last bit of it was Subaru’s fault.

That was why, to balance out his weakness, Subaru had to pay by shaving away his life. —That was what he’d thought, and yet...

“Have I saved...anyone...?”

“Subaru.”

“If those worlds continued after my death, how many times I have I abandoned everyone to die?”

“Subaru.”

“How many times...did I make you die? How many times...do I have to kill you?”

Seriously, why do so many people hate Subaru? And I'm not talking about in-story, I'm talking about how often I see people online just crapping on the guy and really just having such firm dislike for the character. Yeah, he has a bad tendency to shove his foot into his mouth, especially early on, and he most certainly has been selfish and entitled. But he's continuously growing, continuously being made to face his faults and try to overcome them. Most important, at the end of the day he's just a guy who doesn't want anything bad to happen to the people he loves and he tries despite how utterly powerless he is, holding himself to his failures to the point of self-destructiveness. He's far from perfect but he's a good guy who's being continuously pushed to be a better one.

“I’ll show you my weakness. I’ll show you my vulnerabilities. I’ll even show you how I’m a petty, irredeemable bastard. —But the one thing I won’t show you is me giving up.”

Rem had once said...Subaru was her hero.

And Subaru Natsuki had decided to be Rem’s hero.

Again, I don't dislike Emilia at all. I don't even dislike the idea of her and Subaru as a couple, since I can clearly see why Subaru loves her and why Emilia is likely falling for him. But these books have most certainly done nothing to temper how much I love the Subarem ship. How important Rem is to him not only helping to pull Subaru out of his despair over his long string of failures but also how much he wants to be the man she sees him as breaking him out of the Rem-deception. I'm not sure if what I said makes any sense but it's beautiful nonetheless!

The funny thing about Echidna's idea for potential immortality, hopping from one body to the next, is that it's an idea I feel like I've seen many times in fiction and yet I'm drawing a blank on many specific examples. I'm curious if implanting memories into a new vessel is how her tomb works, like she placed herself literally into her tomb and thus why her dream castle exists even after her death?

I am really enjoying Echidna so far. You know Subaru probably shouldn't trust her but she's very good at making herself someone you kind of want to trust. While it's a bit grey to say if she is an outright villain, I think she makes for a very good one.

I feel like I may have a misunderstanding of how Beatrice's pact works. She's to guard the library of forbidden books and sometimes the story makes it sound like she can't leave it, or at least can't leave the mansion, but she has left it a few times now, the furthest being Subaru's suicide jump of the cliff. So is it the overall estate she can't leave or that she can only exit the grounds on certain conditions? Because she and Subaru did have a pact when he went to the cliff.

Next volume should prove interesting, given Subaru seems like he's going to form a pact with Beatrice and Satella just showed up for the tea party. Next volume comes on sale on July 21, so I've got a couple of weeks to wait, unless anyone is aware of any websites that've translated the light novels (not web novels) like Overlord and Konosuba have.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Re_Zero/comments/ho60yc/novels_first_time_read_through_light_novel_vol_12/

[howellstvdies]

pretty long post coming up! thanks to @flcwerstudies  for tagging me! love ya, babe

1. when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? 

i try and make it even, but somehow there always ends up being milk left behind. it annoys me so much

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? 

it depends. some days, i’m elsa (the cold never bother me anyway!); some days all i ever want from life is warmth and cuddles and a cat

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? 

business cards, paper towels, my phone, pens, a necklace once. i nearly lost it, then

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? 

tea: two spoons of sugar and milk, but i don’t take it that much.

coffee: creamer or two spoons of sugar.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? 

yes, it’s ridiculous

6: do you keep plants? 

not yet!

7: do you name your plants? 

i’m planning on naming them sherlock and finn, and then name some of them after bts

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? 

journaling, writing, drawing (if what i do can be considered drawing), and lots and lots of singing 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? 

yes, because i like the fact that i can hit power notes (like when i’m singing burn from hamilton)

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? 

stomach and side, but mostly on my tummy.

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? 

so far, there’s “i could be a stripper” and “goshdarn oprah”

12: what’s your favorite planet? 

i like pluto because it’s a smol bean, and saturn because of the rings

13: what’s something that made you smile today? 

i watched america’s funniest videos with my mom

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? 

there would be books EVERYWHERE, and two cats lounging around, and a coffee maker, and blankets EVERYWHERE. also, high speed wifi

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! 

scientists have traced unusually regular radio signals being emitted from an unknown object in the galaxy m82.

ALIENS PEOPLE!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? 

i haven’t really had that many pasta dishes, but i’ll eat it any day

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

a dark blue, with streaks of tardis blue

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. 

i don’t really have anything right now 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? 

i do keep a journal. i try to write reflections and things like that, but i’m always just ranting about how stupid and cowardly i am. and there are some to-do lists. 

20: what’s your favorite eye color? 

i’m probably just saying this because i have a crush on someone with this color eyes, but blue-grey eyes make me weak at the knees.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

my favorite bag is my school bag, to be honest, because that’s where all the books are. 

22: are you a morning person? 

nope, i’m a night person, but i also force myself to sleep early.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? 

sleep, watch netflix, watch dan and phil, read

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? 

there is one person that i’m slowly getting there with, and another person i really want to get there with, but none so far

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? 

nowhere, yet

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? 

i wear my white sneakers quite a bit, but i haven’t had them for forever. i also wear my snow boots a lot, but that’s because they’re warm and i am weak.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

i don’t have gum that much, but i like strawberry.

28: sunrise or sunset?  

sunset.

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? 

omigod, there’s so many; i find almost everyone cute. one of my friends does this thing when she’s proud of herself when she looks so smug and adorable. my other friend doesn’t laugh that much, so when i make him laugh, it’s like i’ve just discovered the secrets of life. and when my friend/crush laughs, he goes pink and he scrunches his nose and i die a little bit inside. 

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? 

i get really scared about emotions, but i don’t think i’ve been blood-curdling scared yet. 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

i love socks! i love weird socks and fuzzy socks and any socks. i try to sleep with my socks, but i remove them in the middle of the night and i don’t remember. 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

my cousins and i had just watched markiplier and danandphil play five nights at freddies, and we were spooked, so we started watching spongebob in the middle of the night.

33: what’s your fave pastry?

the first time i ever had a crosant with chocolate inside, i died and went to food heaven.

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? 

i had an eeyore stuffed doll that i called doofy for some reason and i always slept with it. i had to leave it in kenya when we moved, but i’m on the hunt for another stuffed friend. 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

YES YES YES. it annoys my mom sometimes

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? 

all time low’s theraphy would be my mood right now, i think.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? 

clean, but sometimes, the messiness is apealing.

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 

people asking me if i’m mad when i’m just being quiet. people who are mean to teachers, complaining about them not getting grades in (70 kids, more than 100 assignments to grade, and they have a life, please just stuff it). people who gossip about other people. dramatic people. racists, mysogonists, albiests, general asses. 

39: what color do you wear the most? 

black and blue, mainly black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? 

i have a necklace that my aunt gave me a few years ago. i always wore it to feel close to her. 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

the rosie project by graeme simsion. i got it at goodwill, and even my dad liked it. my dad very rarely likes the books i pick. 

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! 

none yet, but there is a starbucks in our town that i’ve been to a couple of times. not only was it my first starbucks visit, but i’ve had some very good memories there. 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? 

i don’t even think i ever gazed at the stars with someone. i want to, though

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? 

when we were moving and the place was quiet, and the tv was off and i’d just woken up. i sat on the couch and read and i was so calm and happy.  

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

kinda?? i do sometimes, but i do tend to overreact and overthink, so other times i don’t.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

never apollogize for your bad puns about greek gods

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? 

PICKLES. my god, i hate pickles so much.

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? 

i was and still am scared of the dark

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

i really like that idea, but i don’t have anything to play them on currently, so i don’t do that.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? 

i collect clothing tags for bookmarks, but i don’t really collect things.

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? 

my dad. any bon jovi/rock song made in the 80s.

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? 

salt bae and spongebob being a chicken.

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? 

no, not yet. i keep meaning to, but i never get round to it.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? 

my baby sister a few days ago. we usually leave for school at the same time, and she had to stay home because she was sick. she looked so sad when i was leaving that i could actually feel my heart break.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

i don’t think i’ve ever done anything dramatic.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? 

when people laugh and it’s a full-on laugh and they very rarely do that, dimples, when people engage my stupid questions (”dragons or dinosaurs?”) and go with it, people who are okay with just sitting in the quiet but they can also stay stupid funny thins, dimples, using hands to explain things, DIMPLES

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? 

really happy. i kept reancting lyrics and playing air guitar when it called for it. that song is fun.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? 

i don’t really have a group of friends but i think i’d be the vodka aunt and my friend charise would be the wine mom. (sometimes it’s switched)

59: what’s your favorite myth? 

icarus and persephone and hades

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

i like it but i very rarely read it. i feel like you have to be really smart to understand poetry, and i’m not smart enough.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? 

i gave a few of my friend nail polish, and i don’t think i’ve ever gotten a stupid gift

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? 

orange juice most of the time, grape juice when i have it

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? 

i leave them be most of the time. as long as they’re not getting hurt, i’m good. 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? 

dark blue almost black

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? 

i saw my cousin for the first time in MONTHS before we moved, and he’s really tall now, and he lets me cuddle him and he gives me back hugs and i miss him so much (but i’m not telling him that because he’d rub it in my face)

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? 

small roses! peach blossoms and cherry blossoms too. one huge ass hibiscus or lotus flower as a statement piece

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? 

cozy and sheltered, sometimes. really melancholy and silent most of the time

68: what’s winter like where you live? 

not too bad (i’ve only had one so far)

69: what are your favorite board games? 

monopoly and game of life and clue

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

no, but i knida want to??

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? 

i don’t really have one

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? 

depends. if its something i care about, no. otherwise, yep

73: what are some of your worst habits? 

running away from my emotions and other people’s emotions, expecting the best out of people when i know i’m gonna get the worst

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

not too loud, but very passionate. listens to a lot more rap music even though they look like a punk rock person. doesn’t look people in the eye, but looks me in the eye sometimes and makes me wanna cry. i really like him

75: tell us about your pets! 

i don't have pets!! (thanks mom)

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? 

sleeping BUT I WILL FINISH THIS IF IT KILLS ME

77: pink or yellow lemonade? 

pink

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? 

fanclub they’re adorable

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? 

making me a grilled cheese for my birthday (was my first grilled cheese)

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? 

white and no. i wanna paint them tardis blue

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. 

the ice floating in the open sea, the color of the sky right after it’s rained

82: are/were you good in school? 

yes! i find it fun so it’s easy for me

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? 

an airplane carried me to bed by sky sailing looks really preety

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? 

i want to get slytherin in fancy font on my ankle and a semicolon on the inside of my wrist

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? 

no, but i want to 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? 

i don’t know if i’ve heard any

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? 

the fundamentals of caring, dead poet’s society

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? 

i don’t really know any

89: are you close to your parents? 

yeah

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. 

london when i was eight - warm summer days and walking to the park in the afternoon, popsicle slipping down my hand. watching cartoons with my cousins and reading in a blanket fort. merry-go-rounds and playing with sprinklers even if i’m fully dressed. going to the beach, and the day is cold and windy, the sky is grey, and it’s so beautiful my chest hurts

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? 

i wanna go to new york at some point but my parents are grade-a procrastinators and i can’t go without them

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? 

half-and-half, but more towards the barely side.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? 

braids with a right part.

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? 

my little cousin turned 7 a few days ago

95: what are your plans for this weekend? 

sleep and read and sleep

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 

procrastination is always my situation

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? 

infp-t, scorpio, slytherin 

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? 

almost a year ago, not my best hiking experience. that was more about the people than the hike

99: list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them. 

for some reason, mess is mine by vance joy really makes me feel things. also, almost every single bts song i’ve ever heard

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 

5 years in the past, with the knowledge i have know, so i can fix mistakes my over-dramatic, 10-year-old self made.

this took fifty years i swear. i tag @studiousmochi @studytherin @pinetreestudies @athenus @eintsein @educatier @elkstudies and @studylustre , and whoever wants to do this. xoxo

[swans-and-pirates]

The Art of Remembering (8/?)

Summary: Killian hasn’t seen Emma in months, not since she ran off in the middle of the night. But when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that she’s been in an accident he rushes to be by her side. Nervous and anxious to see her again he’s not sure what to expect—but he definitely doesn’t anticipate that upon waking she would have no idea who he is. Modern au

Rating: T

Also on: ff.net, ao3

Catch up: first chapter, previous chapter 

Emma hums to herself as she stands at the kitchen counter stirring a fresh mug of hot chocolate. The tiled floor is cold beneath her bare feet, and she considers hunting for a pair of socks later as she makes her way over to the fridge and grabs the whipped cream—swirling it on top of her drink and then rummaging through the cupboard for the cinnamon. She sprinkles a generous amount on top, finishing her drink off with a satisfied smile.

As she kicks the fridge door closed and makes her way back to the living room, Emma dips a finger into the cream, scooping up a tiny taste and popping it into her mouth

It’s been a little over a week since Killian brought home those pictures, and three weeks since the accident. She’s not nearly as sore, and moving around the apartment is no longer such an arduous and painful task.

Sure, she may not be completely back to herself and she still gets tired way sooner than she likes, but she’s feeling exceptionally better and—at least in her book—that qualifies as being healed.

Well, physically she considers herself healed. Mentally is still a whole different story.  

She hasn’t had any more memories return since that first one, no matter how many times she looks at the photos. And most days she still feels as if she’s lost out in some endless ocean, just floating, waiting for some sign of the shore to appear and remind her where she is and what she’s doing.

But the sea around her remains vast and empty, and no matter how hard she tries, she can’t seem to unlock any of the memories that are stubbornly hiding away somewhere in her brain. It’s frustrating, and upsetting, and discouraging in every way imaginable, but she does her best to not let it get to her.

She has to believe she’ll remember everything someday.

It’s too depressing to think otherwise.

Lowering herself onto the couch, Emma takes a sip of her hot chocolate before setting it down on the center table and picking up the mystery novel she’s about half way through.

She’d quickly grown sick of watching television all day, and in an attempt to not go stir crazy, had gone searching through the apartment to find something else to occupy her time. She’d discovered that Killian had quite the collection of books, everything ranging from historical non-fiction and informational texts about the bow and stern of a ship, to the mystery thriller she’s been engrossed in for the last couple of days.

She’s pretty sure she’s already figured out whose killed who and what not, and though she’s itching to know if she’s right, she’s been resisting the urge to flip to the back of the book and spoil it for herself. She’s the worst when it comes to patience and reading, and flipping ahead is not uncommon for her, but there’s not much to do when she’s essentially stuck on a couch all day and she doesn’t want to ruin what little variety the book’s brought to the monotony of her day.

She’s barely settled in, with her cold feet tucked up beneath her for warmth, and her book opened to chapter sixteen, when a loud knock splits through the air.

Frowning, Emma looks up at the front door and stares at it a moment, contemplating whether or not to answer it. This isn’t her apartment after all, and anyone coming to the door isn’t here for her.

The person on the other side knocks again, and deciding she’ll just tell whoever it is to come back when Killian’s home, Emma places her book on the cushion beside her and makes her way over to the door.

“Killian’s not—” Emma begins as soon as she opens the door, but she only gets those few syllables out before the rest of her words seem to slip off her tongue and she’s left gaping at the man in front of her.

She knows this guy.

Not because she actually knows him, or anything, but because she recognizes him from the pictures.

Liam.

In person she can see that he’s both taller and broader than Killian, and his hair couldn’t be more opposite. Even with how short he keeps it, she can still see the way it falls in tight curls. Which is a stark contrast to Killian’s smoother locks, his tend to fall into his eyes and flip up behind his ears, especially first thing in the morning before he’s had a chance to tame them.

His eyes though, she can see a bit of Killian in them. They’re blue like his, though Killian’s are arguably a more striking shade, but it’s enough for her to see the sibling resemblance between them.

“Hello,” Liam says after a few more seconds pass. Emma blinks her eyes rapidly and slams her mouth shut, just now realizing she’s staring. “I’m—”

“Liam.” Emma finishes for him, flushing when his eyebrows jump up in surprise. “Not that I remember you or anything. I just have some—I mean Killian gave me some pictures and you’re in a few. I’m Emma by the way.” She sticks out her hand in greeting only for it to dawn on her that he probably already knows that.

He takes her hand anyway and shakes it, half of a smirk slanting his lips.

“Nice to meet you, Emma.”

Emma finds herself smiling in spite of herself. He very easily could have said something to indicate that he already knows her, but instead he’s shaking her hand as if they’ve never met.

She decides right then and there that she likes him.

“Killian’s not home,” she says, looking over her shoulder at the clock in the kitchen, surprised to find it’s later than she realized. “But he should be here soon. Do you want to come in?”

She steps aside and let’s Liam pass her before she gently shuts the door.

He doesn’t say anything, and Emma finds herself folding her arms and shifting a little on her feet as a bit of an awkward silence slips between them. “So… you’re Killian’s brother.”  

Liam nods as he walks a little further into the apartment. “I am.”

His voice is rather stoic, and Emma finds her eyebrow arching at just how serious he sounds. He doesn’t seem to want to offer much in the terms of furthering the conversation and she’s never been one for meaningless small talk, so they both just sort of stand there, sizing the other up.

There’s an unspoken tension in the air and it’s awkward at best. Liam continues to stand there in the no-man’s land between the kitchen and the living room, and Emma’s not sure if she should just leave him be and return to her book, or stay and keep him company until Killian gets home.

After nearly a minute of silence Emma’s pretty sure the air is thick enough to suffocate in. But mercifully the sound of Killian coming in through the front door saves her from having to suffer through another uncomfortable second with his brother.

Spinning around, she can’t help but smile when she sees Killian. He looks tired, but she’s found she loves the way he always comes home smelling like the sea. Like salt and wind. With the tips of his ears pink after spending the day in the cool autumn air. It’s comforting, if only because it’s familiar.

He doesn’t seem to notice anything different at first, stepping out of his shoes and tossing his keys to the table by the door like he always does. But as soon as he looks up and spots his brother, his eyes immediately brighten.

“Liam what are you doing here?”

Liam chuckles lowly and passes Emma to place a strong hand on Killian’s shoulder. “Can’t a man simply visit his brother?”

“Of course he can,” Killian laughs with him. “You just usually have a reason.”

Emma smiles a little to herself as she watches Killian pull Liam in for a tight hug. She’s only heard them say a few sentences to each other but it’s already easy to see just how much they care about one another. Their bond is obvious, and where there’s a fierce protectiveness in Liam’s eyes, there’s an equal one of admiration in Killian’s.

“Well,” Liam breathes, “for one, I came by to see how you two are faring.”

At this Killian seems to notice Emma standing there. His gaze meets hers and his brow immediately furrows. “Emma, love, shouldn’t you be resting?”

She can’t help but roll her eyes. All she’s been doing these days is resting. “I’m fine, I promise. I’m feeling much better, and if I spend much more time resting I might go insane.”

Killian doesn’t seem convinced, his frown only deepening as his lips press together in a thin line. She knows his concern is only because he cares for her, but he really doesn’t need to worry so much about her anymore.

She tries offering him a small smile as reassurance, but he simply frowns a moment longer, the muscles of his jaw twitching, before he sighs and looks at his brother again.

“Have you eaten? I was thinking about ordering Emma and I some pizza.”  

“Actually that’s sort of the second reason why I came.” Liam says, looking down at his hands and fidgeting with his fingers.

It’s amusing, to see Liam nervous. He doesn’t seem like the type to let things get to him, but if the way he’s shuffling form foot to foot is any indicator, whatever he came for has the apple of his cheeks reddening ever so slightly.

Killian doesn’t seem to catch on and he laughs as a ridiculous smile lifts his lips. “You knew I was going to order pizza?”

“No. I mean, Elsa and I were about to go get dinner, and she’s been mentioning the fact that she still hasn’t meet you at least two times a week now. So I came to see if you wanted to join us?”

Killian sobers, and he seems to struggle with something for a moment as he glances at Emma before answering. “I don’t know, Liam. I can’t wait to meet her, really. But now’s probably not the best time.”

Liam blinks, clearly confused and disappointed by Killian’s answer. “What’s wrong with tonight?”

Killian sighs, running a hand through his hair as he looks between them. “It’s just—”

“You should go,” Emma interrupts. She knows the only reason he’s declining is because he feels the need to be here with her. She practically has to push him out the door every morning for work because he’s worried she may need something while he’s gone. But she really is fine, and she’s learned that he has a tendency to be overprotective. Besides, she really shouldn’t be a reason for him to not meet his brother’s girlfriend. “I’m fine here, really. Go, it’ll be fun.”

“I don’t know…”

“Emma can come with,” Liam suggests, and Emma finds herself brightening immediately at the idea. She’ll take any excuse to get out of the apartment for a little while. “She says she’s feeling better.”

“I am,” Emma adds eagerly.  “Besides, that couch and I have been together way too long, I think it’s about time we break up.”

She laughs a little at her own joke, but Liam and Killian exchange a sudden look and something unspoken seems to pass between them. She has no idea what it means, and after a few more seconds of just standing there she clears her throat. Both of their eyes snap back to her and Killian gives his head a small shake.

“Swan, the doctor said it could take one to two months before—”

“Screw what the doctor said. I feel fine. And besides, isn’t fresh air supposed to be good for you?”

Killian stares at her for a long second, biting his lip, but he doesn’t respond.  

“Okay, whatever. I’ll go and you can stay here. Save me some pizza, I’ll eat it cold in the morning.” She turns to Liam, “Just give me five minutes to change and I’ll be ready.”

And without giving them a chance to say anything, she turns and heads toward her bedroom. She knows that if she goes, Killian will go.

She’s in the hallway when she hears Liam chuckle behind her. “I forgot how stubborn she can be.”

~

Granny’s diner is where they end up for dinner, and Emma only tenses up once when the namesake of the place squeezes her in a tight hug and gushes about how glad she is to see her.

Emma can only nod, giving her a strained smile and a small, “Thanks.”

Granny is kind but there’s a fierceness in her that almost contradicts her unassuming gray hair and the glasses she wears connected to a chain around her neck. She seems genuinely excited to see Emma, and more than once her slightly wrinkled hands squeeze Emma’s with affection.

Emma’s still not sure she’s ever going to get used to all of these people that supposedly care about her, no matter how many times she sees them in a picture. At this point she’s just hoping that they don’t all hug her the first time they see her again, but at this rate it doesn’t look too promising.

She does smile though, when Granny squeezes the Jones boys affectionately and then immediately chides them for not coming to see her more. There’s a fire in the old woman and it’s delightful to watch the boys squirm a little under her reprimands.

They sit in a booth towards the back of the diner, Killian and her sitting on one side while Liam and Elsa sit on the other. Elsa is quiet but sweet, her blonde hair twisted in an elegant side braid that rests gracefully against her light blue sweater. Liam keeps looking at her as if she’s the world, and Elsa keeps giving him coy little smiles as she looks down at her food.

Their affection is quiet, but it’s clear that they care deeply for one another. And Emma will deny it but a small part of her heart aches watching it—love like that is not something she can say she’s ever really experienced.

As far as she remembers at least.

The only person she can remember being with for more than a one-night stand is Neal. And that blew up in her face quicker than she can snap her fingers. She knows now that he never could have loved her the way he said he did. Someone who loves you doesn’t abandon you in the middle of nowhere with no money and no home, especially not after telling you that you’re impossible to love.

Just thinking about it takes her back to that cold night when she was young and stupid. Desperately grasping for any way to make him stay.

“You’ve got too much baggage, Em. You’ve got these walls a mile high that stunt your emotions and make it impossible to connect with you. You’re just too hard to love. I don’t know… it’s just not worth it anymore.”

Too hard to love.

Not worth it anymore.

Those are the words that have always stuck with her, no matter how hard she tries to erase them from her memory. They seem to be the one thing she can’t forget. But it’s hard not to think that they hold some truth. Why else does everyone in her life end up abandoning her at some point?

Staring down at her plate, Emma picks at her sandwich and tunes out whatever conversation the other three are having.

Thoughts of Neal are not helping her mood, and she doesn’t want to throw herself a pity party or anything, but she’d been hoping that coming here would trigger another memory. But so far she’s had no flashes, or epiphanies, or sudden images, or however the hell else memories are supposed to come back happen.

Placing her hands in her lap, Emma stares out the window. It’s dark out now, and the only thing to really look at is the blur from the headlights of the cars that pass by.  

A few minutes go by before she suddenly feels Killian take her hand beneath the table.

Jumping slightly, Emma turns to find him looking at her with a gentle concern in his eyes.

“You okay?” he mouths.

Swallowing thickly, she nods. Because what else is she supposed to do? It’s not his fault she’s feeling this way. And it’s not his fault she can’t seem to get a handle on her emotions.

But he has this uncanny ability to read her and he rubs a gentle thumb across her skin before he looks back up at Liam and Elsa. And in one smooth excuse, suggests they leave without drawing any attention to her.

“I had a long day at the harbor and need to get up early in the morning so I think Emma and I are going to head out.”

“Alright,” Liam nods and he doesn’t seem to suspect anything odd in Killian’s sudden wish to depart. “We’ll walk with you back to the cars.”

And with that Killian pulls out his wallet and leaves some change on the table for Granny before he turns and offers a hand to help her out of the booth.

She gives him a grateful smile, hoping that he can see it’s for so much more than merely helping her stand up.

~        

On their way back to the car Emma somehow ends up walking beside Elsa as Killian and Liam walk a good few feet ahead of them.

They’re quiet for the first minute or so before Elsa’s voice breaks the silence. “Liam told me about what happened, with your accident and everything. It must be confusing.”

Emma releases a short humorless laugh, which comes out sounding more like a snort. Confusing doesn’t even scratch the surface.

“It is confusing,” she agrees. “Killian’s been good though, I’m sure I’d be even more lost without him. Or I’d just continue on like I’d been living my life before I moved to Boston, who knows.”

She shrugs but she knows she could never really do that. She knows that would probably only make the hole inside her feel bigger. From what she’s learned her life was good here in Boston, and she’s sure that even if she pretended that it never happened, a part of her would miss it.

“Do you have any family? Maybe being with someone you can remember will make recalling the memories you lost easier?”

She knows Elsa’s suggestion is meant to be helpful, and it’s innocent in every way it can be, but it still stings.

“I…uh…I don’t. I’ve never had any family, actually. My parents abandoned me on the side of the road when I was born and I spent my life bouncing around foster homes. So there’s not really anyone but Killian.”

“I’m so sorry,” Elsa gasps, her eyes wide with mortification. “That was insensitive. I shouldn’t have asked.”

Emma shakes her head. “No it’s okay. It happened a long time ago. It is what it is, and I’m good at being alone so—” She shrugs not sure what else to say.

“My parents died a few years ago. I know it’s not the same thing,” Elsa hurries to justify, “but I know a little bit of what it’s like to feel alone. I do have a sister, but she’s been off backpacking Europe with her fiancé for the last year. It was rough at first, but I got used to it and then I met Liam, and now I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Emma smiles, she likes Elsa. She’s kind and there’s a refined strength in the way she talks and carries herself that Emma can’t help but admire.

“Liam’s lucky to have you.”

Elsa laughs, a light and happy sound, before a blush fills her cheeks as she stares wistfully towards Liam. “I think it’s the other way around.” She pauses before giving her head a tiny shake and looking back at Emma. “What I was trying to say, though, is that if you ever just need a friend or someone to talk to, I’m here.”

Emma stares at Elsa a moment, considering her. She has to admit that they idea of having a friend who she’s not expected to know, and she’s not pressured to live up to any relationship they had before her accident, is an appealing one.

“Thank you,” she says seriously. “I may take you up on that.”

-CS-

Killian glances over his shoulder at Emma to find her laughing and smiling with Elsa. Grinning, he looks forward again and shoves his hands in his pockets. He knows something was troubling Emma at the diner, but he’s glad that for the moment she seems happy.

“I’m worried about you, Killian,”

His brother’s words feel abrupt and Killian skids to a stop, his brows pinching together in confusion as he stares at him. “What? Why?”

Sighing, Liam keeps walking and Killian has to take a few quick steps to catch up. “I’m not blind, Killian. I see the way you look at Emma, and I just think that maybe you are digging yourself in a little too deep.”

Killian narrows his eyes. “What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You still love her.”

It’s a statement, not a question, and Killian clenches his jaw. He’d told Liam as much on the night of the accident. “Your point is?”

“My point is that one day she’s going to get her memories back and you’re going to end up hurt again. And I think that maybe you should start distancing yourself. Maybe it’s time for you to help her find somewhere else to stay. Maybe it’s time for you to be the one to walk away.”

Killian inhales a sharp breath through his nose, trying to contain his sudden anger. But he can’t help the way it comes seeping out like venom when he answers. “And what? Let her end up on the street because she has nowhere to go and no money, and doesn’t have a bloody clue where she was living before?”

He’d be yelling if Emma wasn’t only feet behind him, and in very clear hearing range. Instead his voice comes out like a hiss, seething and dangerous, but Liam doesn’t back down.

“That may happen, it may not, you don’t know. But I think it’s what’s best.”

Killian flinches back, thrown by the fact that he’s never seen his brother this cold. “What the hell, Liam? You’re the one who said I should take her in to begin with.”

“Yes, and it was the right thing to do at the time. But she’s much better now and I think the right thing to do now is to let her go.”

“She’s still healing!” Killian fumes, his fists clenching. “What happened to you telling me to be the friend she needs, huh?”

“Clearly that’s not something you can do. You’re not separating your feelings from this, and I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. She’s going to remember and—”

“I know!” Killian hisses before he takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. “I know. But let’s get one thing straight, I will never force Emma to leave my home, just as I will never force her to stay. As long as she needs a roof over her head she has one. And I’m well aware that she’s going to get her memories back, probably more so than you, but I’m going to be here for Emma for as long as she needs. My feelings be damned.”  

“Killian—”

“No.” Killian puts his hands in the air to stop Liam. “I’m done talking about this. You’re right. I still love her. And it’s because I love her that I can’t do what you’re suggesting.”

Liam reaches out and tries to place a hand on Killian’s shoulder but he jerks away causing Liam to release another sigh. “I’m not saying to kick her to the street. Surely there’s another friend she can stay with for the time being? Or what about where she was living before the accident? She had to have been living somewhere—have you checked her license for her address? Or did you not even try to figure out where she was living?”

“Of course I did,” Killian growls in defense.  It’s not like he’s trying to force her to stay with him in some twisted way. He’d tried to find out where she was living a couple of days after the accident. But her license and everything else still had her listed as living in the apartment she’d been in before she moved in with him. And he knows for a fact she wasn’t living there because he’d looked for her there more than enough times after that night she disappeared from his life.

Wherever she’d been, it was just as impossible for him to figure it out now as it had been when she first left.

“Well?” Liam asks, expecting more of an answer.

“I’m done talking about this,” Killian repeats just as they make it to their cars. He’s not in the mood to explain or justify anything else to his brother. “Elsa is lovely; we definitely need to do something together again soon.”

He says the last bit just as Emma and Elsa catch up to them, and he’s sure only Liam can hear the dismissive tone in his voice.

Liam nods, wrapping an arm around Elsa’s waist as he leads her to the car. “Yeah, alright.”

Killian watches as Liam opens the door for Elsa and then jogs to the other side of the car to hop in. Elsa waves as they drive away and Killian watches until their car disappears, trying his best to calm his breathing.

Deep down he knows that his brother is only concerned about him, but he’s too upset at the moment to be anything but angry at him.

“Are you alright?” Emma asks and Killian jumps a little, pulled from his thoughts.

Spinning around to look at her, he tries to smile but it ends up being nothing more than a pathetic twitch of his lips. “Yeah, I’m fine.” His words come out breathy, traces of the intensity of his emotions still present.

Emma narrows her eyes, clearly not buying it. “Okay…”

Killian watches as Emma walks towards him, only for her to pass him and lean against the car, her back to the window and her face tipped up towards the starless sky.

“I really like Elsa,” she says after a minute, still looking up into the black night.

“Aye, she’s great.” And he really does mean it. Elsa was everything lovely and everything he’d ever hoped for his brother to find. And as upset as he is at Liam, he can’t fault her for any of his brother’s stubborn, self-righteous tendencies.

Emma blinks a few times before she pulls her gaze from the sky and studies him, her head tilting to the side and her forehead scrunching with concern. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Sighing, he pulls his hands from his pockets and joins her in leaning against the car. “Aye, love, I’m fine. I just have a brother who can be a bit of an idiot sometimes.”

“Ah,” Emma hums in sudden understanding. “I’ve never had any siblings, so I wouldn’t really know, but trust me I’ve definitely dealt with my fair share of people acting like idiots.”

Killian lets out a mirthless chuckle, but otherwise stays silent.  

Emma looks down at her shoes, swiveling her feet and tapping her toes together a few times before she pushes herself off the car and turns to him.

“Do you want to go on a walk with me?” She tilts her head back to indicate the road behind her and offers him a coy smile.

His lips fall open slightly as he stares at her, his words faltering for a moment before he licks his lips and blinks rapidly to clear his thoughts. He’d love nothing more, but he can’t help but worry she’s already pushed herself more than she should have today. “Are you sure you should be on your feet this much?”

She shrugs, and looks up at him through her lashes, and damn it she’s probably not even trying but he can’t help the way she makes his heart race.

“I can be tired tomorrow. I just don’t really want to go back to the apartment just yet.”  

And suddenly he remembers why they left the diner in the first place and the sadness he’d seen in her eyes. Maybe a walk would be good to clear both their heads.

Pushing off the car to join her, he gestures toward the empty sidewalk. “After you, Swan.”

She beams at him before biting her lip and ducking her head, and he swears he sees the tiniest of blushes color her cheeks.

There’s something about the way the lights of the city seem to shine through her hair and reflect off her eyes that steals the air from his lungs. And as he looks at her he thinks there’s just one thing his brother’s never going to understand.

Liam has no idea what it’s like to fall in love with Emma Swan, because if he did, he would know just how utterly impossible it is to be the one to let her go.

[gaybabymisfits-blog]

a l l o f t h e m

oh my god 

i’ve answered a few already so i’ll exclude those but i’ll accept your ask anon lmao

under a read more bc this is gonna be long lmao

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Honestly? I have no clue what I would say to her lmao oops

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I’ve never kissed anyone 

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I mean, I personally have problems with drugs and I probably wouldn’t want to date someone who was into them. But people can do what they want and all that

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

Yup! [only by one letter lmao]

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

Never been kissed 

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

Oh boy,, yeah whoops

7. What does your last received text say?

aaAAAA - from Sarah 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

Once again, never kissed anyone or been kissed 

9. Where was your last kiss at?

Nowhere lmao

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have a sister

11. What do you drink in the morning?

Water, if I remember to drink something at least

12. Where did you sleep last night?

I slept in my bed 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

They can be hard, but sometimes the hardships in relationships are worth it :)

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Hmm, I honestly don’t think I would. Sure there’s been a lot of bad things but looking at where I am now because of those, I wouldn’t change a thing.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

So I’m locked in a room by myself? That’s depressing lmao

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Rainy!! 

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

I know a few people actually 

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

I’m currently wearing really baggy sweatpants lmao

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

I mean, it would be nice if I was but who knows man

20. Does anyone like you?

I sure hope at least one person in particular likes me *cough* sarah *cough*

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

Not yet ;)

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

Haven’t kissed anyone

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

Obvious answer: Trump

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Yes! I have a few that I would like to get at some point! 

25. In the past week have you cried?

I’ve cried nearly every damn day this month whoops

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

Pitbull! My neighbors have a few dogs and I saw their pitbull Elsa outside earlier 

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

Out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

Nope

29. Do you think you’re old?

Nah

30. Do you like text messaging?

I prefer texting over calling [unless the call is with someone I know and trust]

31. What type of day are you having?

Aside from me being sick, it’s been a good day !!!

32. Answered 

33. Answered

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

Yeah!! I can name a few

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

I prefer a relationship

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’m probably very complicated lmao

37. What song are you listening to?

“Say You Won’t Let Go” by James Arthur 

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

It honestly depends on the person and the situation39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

I mean, Cherry and Sarah both know a lot about me so there you go40. Answered41. When did you last receive a text message?

Like 5 minutes ago lmao42. What is wrong with you right now?

Oh boy,,, there’s a lot whoops43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

Considering I’m dating her, I’d say I know her pretty well c:44. Does anyone disgust you?

There’s a few people I can think of45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

I am dating someone!!! 46. Are you in a good mood right now?

Yes!!!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

My brother lmao48. What color shirt are you wearing?

I’m wearing a light blue tank top49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

Uhhh,,, kind of. I don’t wanna get into it.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

No51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

God no, I could never hate them 

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

Not that I can remember??53. Do you like rain?

I love the rain!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I would care if my significant other drank alcohol because I can’t be around it for personal reasons. 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

Yes56. Do you like to cuddle?

I’ve never cuddled with anyone but ohmygod yes please someone come cuddle with me 57. Are you shy?

I don’t think I am?58. Do you get along with girls?

I mean, I’d like to think I get along with girls pretty well59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

I am dating the person I texted last lmao60. Answered61. Answered

62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

I have before and I could do it again :)63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

I was in a relationship last October 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

AAKHFASKLDHD Y E S 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

Any interaction with Sarah I’ve had is cute tbh

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

Never kissed anyone lmao

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

I’ve never paid to get my nails done I’ve always done them self, so there’s your answer    68. Answered    69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

No 70. Answered   71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?    

I don’t have a phone so idk 72. Answered 73. Do you like diet soda?   

It’s alright, definitely not my favourite thing in the world 74. What color are the walls in your room?    

Light pink, Mint Green and Lilac !!!75. Are you 16 or older?    

I just recently turned 17!76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? 

Nope   77. Do you have a job?    

No  78. What are your initials? 

RJR   79. Did you ever have braces?    

Nope, but I probably need them [I’ve never been to a dentist whoops]80. Are you from the south?    

Nope! Born and raised in New York

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

Fuck if I know, I haven’t posted on facebook in years82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?  

Never kissed anyone  83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

yikes I’m gonna not answer this one sorry but I can’t84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

Nope    85. Answered   86. Do you smoke?    

Heck no87. Answered    88. Is your phone touch screen?  

I don’t own a phone  89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

My hair is naturally curly lmao90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

I’ve snuck out twice lmao    91. Answered   92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

No93. …Had sex in a car?    

Nada94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

I’m dating the lovely @starryalpha !!! 💕95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

I was talking to Sarah 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? 

July ; during my town’s carnival   97. Do you like the camera on your phone laptop?    

It’s okay, could be better98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

Nope99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

I’ve never touched alcohol, so no. 100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

I don’t even remember the password for my account lmao    101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

Nope!102. Answered    103. Do you have any tan lines right now?  

No  104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

I don’t know lmao

thanks for this anon !!