#oh and also theyre nonbinary so thats a plus

[arolesbianism]

Quinn is so orbo blorbo why do they have to be rocking the bowl cut pls bestie I'm trying to sit in quiet horror about your ominous story why must you be such a silly billy

[velvetvexations]

I'm gonna go ahead and post the rest of the binary/non-binary privilege stuff in my inbox without commentary because I honestly am running out of things to add to them in response lmao.

If you don't see yours here: I did answer it, but I didn't like my response and deleted it just now before realizing "oh, wait, if they didn't see it in the two hours it was up they're going to think I missed or ignored it." I totally did read it and reply though! I was just angrier at the kinna people you were talking about than I wanted to be.

The rest:

for me when i think about the binary/nonbinary thing, basically my thoughts are: if being binary isn't a privilege, then can the gender binary be called oppressive? like personally i think the gender binary itself is an oppressive force in society, like male/female being a form of societal categorization is oppression. so it makes sense to me that fitting into that categorization is a privilege, and not fitting into it is disprivilege. i think it's a good argument to have whether or not the gender binary is actually oppressive, you'll get a lot of different takes, but me personally i think it is because it hurts me a lot and that hurt makes the most sense for me to call oppression. those are just my 2 cents, not trying to argue that it's worse for anyone based on if you're binary or nonbinary, just kinda that to me the gender binary itself oppresses me so i feel disprivileged for not fitting it, if that makes sense! also i think binary trans people specifically often face disprivilege for not fitting into the gender binary because during transition they often dont, and if youre not able to transition at all that means you really dont fit into it. basically theyre hurt by the same stuff in the binary as us a lot of the time. i think it gets complicated though because theres a statistical pattern where binary trans peoples goals *BROADLY* (NOT TALKING ABOUT INDIVIDUAL CASES, just talking about statistics) are to look like a "normal" person of their gender, so if that cant be your goal because it would make you dysphoric or suicidal or anything like that, you think about it differently and youre less likely to think the gender binary is good. but if it is your goal and youre able to make steps toward it, like if youre looking more and more like a "normal" person of your gender over time and fitting into normal society more, or even if you dont fit in perfectly but youre using enough "signals" to show you want to fit in and are trying and the people around respect you trying, then you might think the gender binary is good because it helps you be gendered correctly and helps you be your true self. i think that's why a lot of us feel like binary trans people sometimes use privilege over us, whether thats true or not (i havent decided my opinion on that and i dont know if i ever will because its really loaded and a lot of people will be mad at me no matter what opinion i have so it doesnt seem worth it to have one): because its more likely that you like the binary and want to keep it around if it helps you, and that opinion feels like an attack if you're hurt by the binary. plus, statistically theres a lot more of the "normal" trans people out and about visibly in the world than "abnormal" ones, so it makes it *feel* like we're a minority within a minority even when that's not true.

Ngl this binary privilege discussion is driving me knuts. Binary trans people don't face exorsexism: is that privilege? Y'all pretty much agree that not facing transmisogyny doesn't give trans men privilege so if we were any type of consistent around here we'd say No. Personally I think not facing form of bigotry gives you A privilege. It's 1 less hurdle you have to jump over, not an additive system that negates any of the other bigotries you face as a binary trans person or gives you blanket Privilege over all nonbinary people! But that's how people use it in this discourse so maybe we need to put the word Privilege on the high shelf and just support other people when they face a bigotry we don't.

Wanna add something to the thing RE: binary privilege as a (close to binary) trans man who used to be non-binary. I won’t disagree that there’s situations where binary and close-to-binary trans people are treated better than non-binary and unaligned trans people, namely in medical settings and often also legal settings (depending on the country and laws, tho). But what I absolutely disagree with are inter-personal situations. I’m aware there’re non-binary people who have the experience that they are not accepted where binary trans people are accepted. But the opposite also happens. When I identified as non-binary, my family accepted and respected me, used my pronouns and gender-neutral terms, etc. and I was accepted in a trans group that was made up of only trans women and non-binary people. When I came out as a trans man, my family returned to using feminine terms for me started treating me like a stupid girl, and I was kicked out of the group I was in. I know multiple trans men who had the same thing happen to them (a lot of the ones I’m in a small group with now). And the way some people are using exorsexist binary trans people as proof that they have binary privilege is so weird, too. I know so many transmisogynist or transandrophobic non-binary people (esp. transandrophobic with the spaces I used to be in), but that doesn’t mean they have privilege over me? People can be bigoted assholes no matter who they are or what they identify as. Like. There are exorsexist non-binary people, too. So like. I’m open to discussion of binary "privilege" (tho privilege is a bit of a clunky word for that, it’s more like binary centrism/favouritism, but idrc) in relation to legal and medical stuff, but interpersonal stuff? Thats exorsexism—which should absolutely be discussed, too, just without acting like any group of trans people has privilege over another. It’s just like what I experience from my local trans community and family is transandrophobia / anti-transmasculinity, not the non-binary trans people having "non-binary privilege" and using that to kick me out of their spaces or whatever. I hope I’m making sense? I do think that discussion is important, but as someone who knows both sides, it’s lacking a lot of nuance currently. I’m definitely treated worse now as a trans man than I was a non-binary person (still experience the same transphobia from transphobic cis people, but now the queer+trans community is also slinging transphobia against me at any chance they have; while transphobes still want me to "go back" to being a girl without caring what words I use for myself now at all, there’s now also plenty of people who want me to "go back" to being non-binary, or really anything but a man.), and there’s plenty of non-binary people who have the exact opposite experience (used to id as binary trans, is now treated worse for being non-binary), and it’s important to keep in mind that a lot of the treatment is dependent entirely on the people around you, and that no experience is more important to discuss than another. This got long. English isn’t my first language, but I hope everything’s understandable.

(you worded it well!)

really enjoying the discussion about nuances of privilege vs advantage going on! I'd like to add that it's imo mainly caused by... medically and bureaucratically stratifying systems, for a lack of a better term? eg. in my country I can't go on HRT unless I want to "become" a transhet - that is, transition into a Fully Binary Man Wanting To Fuck Women. that's not something I want, as a nonbinary bisexual; I would be annoyed at being read as a Man the same way being read as a Woman is annoying, I only want some masculinizing changes, and the head of the board that decides if you can go on HRT does not believe in bisexuality (which is. ?????. HE'S A SEXOLOGIST.) But like. I don't think that others being willing to Be Seen As A Fully Binary Man Who Wants To Fuck Women (even if that's not the extent of how they want to live) is necessarily a privilege? It's just a slight advantage in a system that fucking sucks, you know? And you can at least lie about your sexuality (I have friends who are not straight and did lie), which, again, lying about that is not a privilege, but I'm too much of a contrarian bitch to even try and respect the opinion of someone who doesn't think bisexuality exists to even lie to them. I think a similar thing to this is compliance with psychiatric systems - I do well on medication and haven't had issues with any of my psychs (both therapists and prescribers), so I am in a circumstance where I'm going along with the system fine, making me have the advantage of less likelihood of being labeled a problem patient/disruptive/combative/etc. and being forcefully detained or such. People whose experiences with psych have been shit/are antipsych for whatever other reason/etc. do not have that advantage. That doesn't necessarily mean I'm privileged over them, but I do have a bureaucratic and medical advantage in a system that wants to binarize into Conforming To Expectations × Not Conforming To Expectations, even though both of us are having mental health issues.

[bestbeeking]

tell us your SpongeBob headcannons (I’m doing this so that you’ll be busy and leave me alone)

YOU CAME UP WITH THEM WITH ME BUT OK LMFAO[im just gonna copy and paste the list from the website]

squidward is nonbinary but was bullied for it so they just preetend they're fine being a man and is very depresso

SPONGEBOB IS AROACE AND VERY DEPRESSO (but he doesn't want other people to be sad by him being sad so he act not sad)

spongebob and squidward are married for tax benefits[mr krabs doesnt pay them enough]

Patrick is a cult leader and is secretly a billionare

Patrick uses patrick/star pronouns

MR KRABS AND PLANKTON AND KAREN ARE MARRIED FOR TAX BENEFITS[mr krabs wants to pay less]

Plankton is bullied for being short (also his human form dresses like a steampunk evil villan) (think the guy from lorax plus more steampunk and minus height) (see: (link tothe musical thing)

Sandy is bi and left texas becasue her parents kicked her out

gary is gary[<3333 -bee]

Squidward likes dresses because theyre the only clothes they can wear without having to alter them to fit their four legs ok so squidward was born male but came out as trans[nonbinary] in second grade, but then he was bullied horribly so he pretended to be cis and thats part of why he’s so miserable. so in the story we were going to write and never did squidward attempts suicide but fails and is in a coma for a while and during it his hair grows out and when he wakes up he’s like ‘oh i kinda like how my hair looks now’ so he decides to go to work with it but SpongeBob/krabs like teases him for it so he cuts it again and then SpongeBob grows out his hair for squidward sorta idk this isn’t well planned and then SpongeBob is like ‘wow I’m nonbinary’ and squidward is like ‘oh me too’ and they get a happy ending. alternatively, squidward could get teased by SpongeBob and attempt suicide again and succeed and then everyone is sad idk

…….what am i doing with my life

[rei-does-stuff]

MAKE YOUR MARK CHAPTER 6 LIVE BLOG BABYYYYYYYY

EPISODE 1!!!!!!

-FIRSTLY I’ve been so fucking excited for this that I dreamt about it THATS RIGHT I DREAMT ABT IT

-This is gonna be the last mym chapter….:(((((

-OKOK LETS STARTT

-NO MORE SPARKY TRANSFORMING THE NETFLIX LOGO :((((

-MANESTREAM!!!

-SIBLING BONDING I LOVE THEM

-“Hold onto your cutie marks!” IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE SUNNY

-AAAA THE INTRO ITS THE LAST TIME WELL HERE THE INTRO!!!

-PIPPP YA GOTTA STOPPP

-I love you izzyyyyy

-HOW THE HELL DID SHE BLOW THOSE SO FAST, strong fuckin lungs

-BLAIZE!!!!

-All the dragons have the same model yes, but they all still look unique and pretty good IN MOTION

-OH SUNNY IS TERRIFIED

-Aww trying to put on her tough voice this is why ur my favorite sunny!!!

-AWW IZZYYYY

-I LOVE LUXXE

-Leaf is cuteee

-Tumble and him are def gay

-FOUNTAIN IS A LITTLE CREATURE….Well big creature but yk

-PIPPS FACEEE

-OH SO THEY HAVE THE SAME SHIT AS SPARKY

-OPALINEEEEE

-OOO SONG

-HER VOICE IM IN LOVE

-God that was sooo goodddd

-Love sunny rushing in to defend alicorns

-Also her putting her hoof around zipp GAYYYY

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-Hitch and your dad jokes I love youu

-Sunny trying to make friends with Blaize, IS THAT A PERSONALITY I SEE?

-Also her and Blaize? Rlly gay

-Love this green dragon (already forgot his name im a little dumb)

-SPIKEEE

-OH HIS VOICE WILL TAKE A WHILE TO GET USED TO BUT ITS NOT BAD, he finally has the deep voice he’s always wanted, good on you for the transition, plus he is total nonbinary goals

-AWW SAME HUMOR!!

-Also Sunny fangirling a bit

-AWW HE DOESNT REMEMBER :(

-TWILIGHT MENTION

-AW HIS LIL ‘Twi?’ OUGHHH

-okok so we were all pretty right on the real story!

-“You lost magic??” LMAO EVEN SPIKE IS LIKE ‘rlly???? After everything you rlly lost magic yall are wild mannn”

-When sunny gets excited her alicorn-ness starts to show, I’m not saying its a stim but it’s totally a stim

-AWW SUNNY REMINDS HIM OF TWILIGHT AAAA

-Love his speech but I wish they referenced how he thought the same but realized his true family were with other ponies

-GAYYY i need to see ship art of sunny and Blaize NOW

-ALSO WHY ARE YOU ON HER BACK SUNNY YOU CAN FLY, MORE REASON WHY SHES GAY

-YOU TWO PIPP AND ZIPP YOU CAN FLY!!!

-OUFHHHH THAT WAS SOOO GOOD!!!!

OKOK NEXT EP

EP 2

-TWO PARTER BABYY

-NO NOT THE TOGETHERNESS TREE

-The townsponies still freak just the same as g4, some things never change

-SPROUT

-‘And Pipp’s hair is still fabulous!’ I LOVE YOU ROCKY

-YEA MISTY WOULD KNOW

-LOVE THIS SPEECH UGHHH

-“That is…An option!” SUNNY DONT BE MEAN

-AWWW IM GONNA CRY

-PRINCESS SUNNY AAA

-FILLY MISTY

-‘SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO CHECK HER MESSAGES’ HAHAH

-NOOOO NOT THE DRAGONS

-SPARKY YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN

-OHH SHE KNEW SHE FUCKING KNEW MISTY BETRAYED HER

-GET HER ASS ANIMAL FRIENDS

-OOO YAY THE DRAGONS ARE BACK

-OOP NEVERMIND

-YES HITCH GET HER ASS

-OUGH SUNNY UNDERSTANDING HOW AFRAID MISTY MUST BE TO SEE HER ABUSER AGAIN AAAAA

-AAAAAA THAT WAS SOO GOOD

NEXT EP NEXT EP

EP 3!!!

-GRAB HITCHS CUTIE MARK MISTYY

-YESSS GO MISTY

-GET HER ASS

-GO AFTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND SUNNY

-OO PIPP YOU SMART

-WELL IT WORKED FOR A SEC

-UGHH I LOVE THIS INTERACTION BETWEEN MISTY AND OPALINE

-HEY YOU GOT TO DO YOUR PLAN IZZY

-SHE IS SO SMARTTT

-DAMN IT NOO

-‘We could just call’ I LOVE THEMMM

-THE NECKLACE

-NOT OPALINE PLAYING THE “you and I were not so different” CARD

-BUT ALSO SUNNY YA CANT REDEEM HER SORRY

-SPARKY YOU GOTTA BRING IT ALL BACK HOME

-SONGG

-DONT CRY REI AAAA

-NECKLACE TIME RAINBOW POWERR

-THEYRE RLLY PULLING OUT EVERY STOP

-ELEMENT OF HARMONY???

-HA GET YOUR CUTIE MARK WIPED

-AWWW

-CRYSTAL PONY TIMEEEE??

-AWWW THAT WAS AMAZING

LAST EP LAST EP

-40 MINS AND NEW NETFLIX PRESENTS LOGO

-THE MUSIC????

-THEYRE SO PRETTY

-ZIPP BEING WORRIED ABT HER GIRLFRIEND

-THEY DID ALL THE STOPS WITH THE VISUALS ITS SO PRETTY

-CRYSTAL TOWN CRYSTAL TOWN

-New threats maybe?

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-CRYSTAL PONIES

-SONG

-TRANCE???

-Auroricorns! New name for Crystal ponies?

-STARSHINE TIME

-AWW THEYRE ALL DOING CUTE EYES AT HITCH

-This is def giving me comfort special vibes!!!!

-Trip-Skating!

-STIMMING SO MUCH RN

-THEY DONT KNOW ABT EQUESTRIA

-Never allowed to leave? Ooooo

-SNOW PONIES

-GIRLFRIENDS AGREE WITH EACH OTHER

-If this keeps going this well this might be my fave ep

-WTFFF

-This is some freaky shit

-WTF ARE THISE????

-GRIFFINS??

-ANGEL BUNNY 2.0

-HER VOICEE

-So she’s like Opaline, but probably less fun? Interesting….

-Messed up tbh

-Maybe Allura will get a redemption arc?

-SUNIZZY CRUMBS

-SONG

-WOW she is stupid I love it

-DAMN THIS IS SOME OUR TOWN SHIT

-SNOWBALL FIGHTT

-YEA MISTY

-SONG

-So she might be back!

-VIOLET FROST

-AWWWW

-NEW FRIEND

-LETS GO COMET

-THEY EACH GETTING THEIR OWN FORM OF ELEMENTS OF HARMONY

-WHO IS THAT VOICE???

-BROTHER???

-THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING

-MANE 7 MAYBE??

-NEW GUY TOO

AAAAA I LOVED THAT, even tho there’s no more mym I’m sure tyt will be just as good once the episodes get longer!!

[simothys]

im still rotating @saturnidchoir ‘s game from last night btw. like.

ok lmao this got long. going under a cut

we start by doing the damn job we were hired to (a mistake, i know that much). first roll of the day i get like an 8 total maybe and we decide Tommy got that low bc shes getting overstimulated cuz the mines are Damp and Smell Weird and it’s claustrophobic and shes a big open air girlie :(( plus the canary with us is rlly cute. (our DM has assured me that the canary will Not die)

anyways yeah she misses the huge fuckin hole in the ground with pickaxe marks leading to the hole as if they were used to try not to be dragged in. and the scorch marks. and the smell.

tommy starts ritual casting alarm over the hole cuz like damn shes not wanting to know wtf is down there. union grace looking Into the hole. girl What. union grace is nonbinary but i cant think of a better term rn, and their player has called them girl like that before so its chill.

(ill workshop it... miner What? OH WAIT NO. comrade What. bc. yeah. ok yeah that works.)

before i get done ritual casting it, i see that may (ONCE AGAIN. WHO LET THE 15 y/o TAKE THIS JOB.) is fiddling around. and tommy, knowing damn well what chaos 15 y/os enjoy (thanks Milo) is just kinda like. “if u wanna toss a rock down the hole, ill let u know when.”

anyways may tosses a rock down, and union grace starts Counting. and later in session, union grace’s player (hi brian) pulled up a freefall calculator And Yeah thats 11 miles. cool. this is the lowest level of the mines. great.

tldr Duh things come out of the hole. but like. not Creatures. theyre the bodies of the miners. still on Fire. and good fucking L-RD. cricket ur narration is insane im unwell.

we kick ass. union grace pushes a guy down the hole (a strength contest, best out of 3.) and in the last minutes before he falls? he shows real fear, beyond the anger and rage that had been all he knew until this. and he tells union. “please. do it.” and IM UNWELL. g-d wait i need to check how much HP may has FUCK. tommy is 43 and already has one kid, shes GONNA fuss.

unfortunately union grace passed out when we tried to leave. and also is having visions. im sure thats fine and that my DM didnt look into flower meanings at all (a field of amaranth swallowing them whole is surely fine,, right…?)

but hey the bird didnt die. the kid didnt die. and maud’s kid (union grace) didnt die. therefore, im Fine. definitely didnt get emotional performing the rites for dead that wyatt showed me nooo im Fine

[symphorine]

im playing a sword and shield warrior elf rook, nonbinary, warden, on mouse and keyboard

im about 40 hours in rn? about to enter the cauldron and ive done most side and companion quests available to me so far

- combat. im enjoying it! its dynamic and its the first time ive thought of warrior playstyle as fun in da. its the right difficulty for me, it feels rewarding. obviously subjective but its enjoyable

- weisshaupt. fun! i likes the way it was set up, making you feel the urgency and drama, then the confrontation with ghilanain. i enjoyed the boss fight, and i liked what it said abt ghilanain as well in a way. confused as to why ppl dont understand why davrin didnt die? p clearly its bc ghil absorbed the blighted sould before leaving. but now that im typing this i dont remember if the soul thing is warden knowledge or smth morrigan told us in dao...

- responsiveness to background. rly good so far! ive had quite a few warden dialogue options or even sometimes straight up interjections from rook.

- responsiveness to race. ive found that i had a fair amt of options when talking abt the gods, as an elf, though a few hiccups regarding, like, whether or not im included when ppl are like "our gods" (sometimes its fairly clear theyre not including rook). also i used a vallaslin but it seems a non vallaslin elf (so ppl playing as city elves) get the same options... which doesnt super make sense in most places ive seen them. so mixed bag there

- gender... rly good. ive had quite a few occasions to respond with rooks own nonbinary/coming out/etc experience to ppl, esp taash! and its so nice seeing trans characters?? not just the pc

- speaking of taash. gender stuff in their quest? good! cultural stuff? what. are you doing bioware

- actually this is more abt how qunari are handled. theres a few npcs around, plus taash and their mom, that seem to give a more fleshed out and diverse account... but then in general the qun is still presented as stifling and backwards and violent - bc even tho ur reminded a lot that the antaam broke away from the rest of the qun wnd they are the qunari enemies u will deal with, theres also plenty talk of conversion, how they treat mages, etc. in taash's personal quest, i could encourage them to listen to their mother or do whatever they wanted, and i was like cool but theres a pretty clear choice yknow, and its very much designated as so in their narrative. but when I hovered over the options, the "bad" path was underlined as "encourage taash to embrace qunari culture more", which was absolutely not the vibe i got? and the "good" choice was associated with encouraging that to embrace rivaini culture more. like thats such blatant bullshit. AND! a lot of dialogue with taash so far has been abt how they are BOTH! so what the hell is that about! they dont have to choose! like. no the writing is both muddling the point AND being offensive there. its a shame.

- ig irt gender thing other than how its being forcibly tied to culture its good. kinda nonbinary and trans 101 which is good for a wide public but wasnt particularly gripping for me.

- lords of fortune. meh. their outfits? bad and very heavily orientalist imo. like u can see a lot of the inspiration is just... very exotifying?? like ooh shiny riches and barely covering clothes. associated with rivain. ://///////// bad. and the worst offender - WHAT IS ISABELA WEARING. for the love of god let her have pants this isnt fucking funny. other ppl have already spoken on this but oh my god. its infuriating. also criticism applies doubly for the antaam - ur telling me theyre running around in underwear and a mask? it makes me rly uncomfortable in terms of depiction. its like. disney jungle book level imo. and if u add that to how theyre basically just ennemies and fodder for the pc to kill... man i wasn't expecting perfection but its just bad.

- oh yeah cameos from characters - not carrying over any choice other than those 3 makes all writing around them suffer imo. morrigan talks abt her mother, wouldve been great to talk abt kieran there! also the well of sorrows! but no. hawke apparently never existed for isabela or varric. and shes also mostly a set piece (as is varric) so its disappointing. the inquisitor... as far as i can tell its a repeat of hawke in dai. no personality - and i know the inquisitor already didnt have much of it, but if you hated solas you cannot have that come through at all. which sucks! forget any nuance. and its silly how theyll juuuuust not go into details about the inquisition decisions. literally harding talks abt inquisition ppl - including... sera... who u can just Not Recruit. so what does that mean bioware. obviously i love her so im not advocating for not recruiting her but like. what. makes no sense. im still mad about getting rid of decision imports it was bad and stupid. give me back my worldstate.

- yeah varric is basically just saying platitudes. he better have a point bc otherwise he should have been killed off.

- companions. i love them all tbh. i LOVE the voice acting for bellara i think its one of the best performances. ive enjoyed time with all of them and their personal storylines and im excited to have more

-banter. good imo! i do think this is a front on which inquisition did better tho, in that the relationships between companions could be more overtly fraught or antagonistic, and that made it more interesting overall. kinda miss that. but im enjoying what im getting so far still! could trigger more often

- item upgrade system. i like it. im usually not super into crafting tbh so again, subjective.

- misc: theres a lot of... handholding i guess. that i wish i could turn off. a lot of announcing that x decision will have consequences, and y thing is happening bc u made x decision. but in a lot of cases its like... it didnt need to be announced, u could let the game mechanics/narrative do the work perfectly fine. and i dont like that its announced even for the bigger stuff, especially when, again, its obvious anyway.

- i dont rly like the little varric narrations... feels in the same vein of having to. idk. make sure the player is spoon fed whats happening and knows Something Else Is Coming when its pretty clear anyway. im hoping itll have a point later in terms of. hmmmm. narrative structure? like how da2 was yh varric was actually telling. but other than that i dont like it.

- visuals. pretty. hair physics amazing. colorful and varied environments. combat can make the screen very cluttered tho

- music. varies. some parts ive rly noticed and liked but most of the time it doesnt register

- assan. adorable. i love him.

- ive actually rly been enjoying the level design! nooks and crannies to explore in maps but usually u can like, trust the design where u need to if that makes sense? like itll loop back around to bring u where u need once uve explored a part a lot of the time. things arent too far apart, even tho i do wish we could move a bit faster.

- lore things. ill wait to be done with the game for judgement there i think? by itself the elves' origin is cool. in universe + context of how bioware handles them... hmmmm idk

think thats my thoughts for now... i should sleep

can't sleep so gonna jot down some thoughts abt davg under a readmore. itll have spoilers!

[fleshblueberry]

Babe wake up im going to rant about my ocs lore because im bored

Tw/cw depression, suicide, kidnapping, addiction, unreality

I write angsty stuff for my ocs oops-

When i first started making my characters they were very different in alot of ways and they were very different from what they are now. But i some how managed to glue all the chaos of my ocs together into a semi-coherent story. I went through an insane amount of world building with myself and i honestly dont think ive ever writen or typed any of it out before! its all just up in my head (and you know my memory is trash so ive probably forgotten of alot of things i made before lol). Anyways- i have two main story lines for my characters. Ethan's story, and Vevlet's story. Although i must admit Ethan's story is less complex than velvets simply beacsue it acts as a story of prequeal to Velvets story line. (Alternate realities that happen to have effect on each other basically- we love space time junk)

Ethan's world is very similar to ours, the most similar out of any of my fantasy worlds lol. Ethan's story revolves around self-discovery. I mean for it to be a wholesome/lighthearted thing that quickly leads up to dark undertones (spoilers lol). Ethan's story begins with Eef pre-transition (AFAB to NB). We get to see Ethan learn about themself and have fun exploring emotions and what it means to be alive. Ethan comes from a run-down family (mom khs, dad mia). So he lives with his adoptive parents (who i have yet to design and think about- theyre lesbians 100% though). A major moment for Eef is meeting his partner Seth. As you already know Ethan and Seth are cute ass boyfriends and stuff but guess what! im jammed their story full of angst and edgy shit bc i "wrote" most of this when i was hella depressed! Anyways Seth's family is like moderally welathy, wealthier than most i would say. Seth catches feelings for the emo chick ofc (forgot to metion Eef was definately a hot goth girl before he transitions).... uh yea anyways seth ends up flirting and crushing on eef and eef is like yea sure im bored and sad why not. and they end up dating after a while. Theres an important moment in their relationship when Ethan take Seth to this dead tree. THis dead tree is very important also bc it is where his mother hanged herself, and Ethan doesnt quite remember that bc he was very young when it happened, but he knows it as a place of comfort and he goes there alot when he feels sad or alone. this tree could be taken as symbolizim but heheh ill never tell. anyways Ethan is like yo my fevorite tree and Seth is like wtf okay bro ily and all but why a dead tree with an unstable tire swing?? ANd ethans like idk but i like it here reminds me of my childhood (op my guy) and they spend the night there. Also when ethan comes out to seth as nonbinary seth is just like ok,,, because hes bisexual lol. anyways time skip and Seth has some addiction problems once he graduates, long story short- Ethan doesnt like it bc his dad was a druggie so he trys to help Seth and Seth raises his voice and ethan is tiny compared to his bf so hes naturally like terrified of being hit and he suddenly feels his world of happy and peace he build back up bieng destroyed once again so he heads to his mothers dead tree and decides life isnt worth it anymore, and he hangs himself in the exact spot his mother did.... once seth comes off one of his highs or whatever hes like- oh fuck i yelled and acted agro to my traumatized partner. and he immedatly goes to the tree bc its Ethans favortie spot but its to late. regret is the only emootion anymore... its over for them.

now youre probably wondering how the absolute hell does that tie into velvets lore?? well do i have a tale for you. Velvets sotry begins on her 21st birthday, she is out for drinks with her douchebag bf and her bestfriend. several drinks later she yells over blaring club music shes going to the restroom, and as shes walking back she sees her bf and her bestie making out and she doesnt even say anyhting and walks out alone. She is making her way back to her apartment very tipsy. She then hears a vechile driving beside her, she cant make out anyhting theyre saying and the people in the car get out and before she even relises whats going on shes thrown into the vechile and is being beaten and yelled at. She passes out as theyre driivng to somewhere. When she next awakes she is in a barn-looking place. Concreate walls painted red and straw all over the floor. she cant stand, her legs stung and so did her entire body. for several days- she doesnt know how long she stayed in this place unable to move or do anything. Weak and starving, she gathered up her last bit of strength and hung herself on a low board (havent really worked out the details on that scence bc i keep changing my mind but she does hang herself). Cut to a space of nothingness- legit nothing- exactly its impossible to imagine nothing. In the nothing sits velvet all skin and bone, and then an entity, a hooded figure with long hair, sits next to her. No words are spoke, but the entity looks at velvet longingly. Then it tears out its eye- just full on plunges its hand into its socket and rips it out. bloody mess honestly. the entity hands its eye to velvet, and she takes it. there is no thoughts here, no sound, only actions. Cut once more to a coriners room place? ya know the place with dead bodies and tables and shit- anyways a bright light emerges from dead!vevlets chest and surrounds her entire body. *cue stunned doctor mans* Velvet arises from her death with her scars healed over and... wings. Yup shes an angel now. I mean her world already had monsters and things of suppernatural belonging but- angels are rare. She makes 1 of 2 angels in their relam as of current. Angels are "made" from regrets. Regret overflowing from two sources- one long dead and the other recent. This is where ethan comes in. Ethan's regret from how he died was powerful and sad, powerful enough for his spirt- an entity- to reach Velvets. Velvet too, had much regret in her death. So young and so many things that could have been avoided. In the days following up to her death in the barn/cellar she only felt regret. Regret for all she did and all she didnt do. So much pain summoned the entity. Their powerful forces of regret pulled them together and allowed Velvet to return- but at a price for the both of them. the entity lost its eye- symbolizing a loss of humanity and conscientiousness. While Velvet lost herself, she no longer can view her world in the same way. She has severe ptsd- like episodes and halucinations. She cant go back, she has to live through he own grief. Velvets appearnace also changes quite a bit. Her hair got longer, she has two sleek gray wings on her back, and- one of her eyes are purple now. why does it hrut her to see that eye? why is it all so familiar yet far away. Her human brain can hardly understand all the changes. But she was gifted this- she knows she must try. And luckily for her society sees angels as higher beings. They are given the umost respect but they are also greatly feared because of how misterious their origins are. The only other known angel meets with velvet quite alot through her story, he will act as a sort of guide/plot device to make things a bit easier for myself (havent worked out his lore tho or even a design for him hjbfkjsdb). Anyways im tired and its 1:35 am so thats all the lore you get for now, plus its the stuff ive thought about the most so- i dont really want to think any furtherb ahead yet lol. to many little things to work out...... i love creating but oml typing hurts after an hour or so-

Jam out!

... I don't even know what to say to this

[krisiverse]

::O could u tell me some 4bt the godteir one ple4se?

HELL YEAH

ok so out of the beta trolls the ones who godtiered were aradia, sollux, karkat, kanaya, me, vriska, and feferi!! i was actually there when both kanaya and karkat godtiered and it was really nice to be there with them (i was all alone for mine)

(also at some point during sgrub i came out as nonbinary and started using they/them, it was kind of because there was so much going on i didnt want to deal with being closeted on top of everything sooo yeah)

so when vriska was all like "I'm gonna fly away to fight Jack and 8e relevant!!!!!!!!" instead of killing her i flew after her and knocked her out. it took her by surprise cause she didnt know i was godtier at that point and by the time she woke up we were already on the 3-year journey

the meteor ride was REALLY chaotic cause literally all 12 trolls, plus dave and rose and the mayor were there, except aradia was only there some of the time by visiting or leaving through dream bubbles. so i have lots of fun mems of that time! like the time when we alchemized loads of crocs and kanaya confiscated them all, but then we found them a while later and built a castle out of them next to can town. also since lots of us could fly can town extended onto the ceiling!! that portion was called upside-down town

then on earth c i lived with karkat!! we had a hive with a room specifically for plushies since we bought so many whenever we went out, and it also had a bunch of game systems that roxy voided up for us! we hung out there a whole lot. it was called the soft room

also at some point karkat and i got married!! we adopted 2 grubs named ralker and temina and raised them, they grew up into such amazing young trolls and i love them so much... ralker was an indigoblood and he said one day hed get so big that we wouldnt be able to lift him up anymore but we were always strong enough to even when he was bigger than us!! and temina was a limeblood and they looked up to me a lot and i was the first one they told they were trans!!! i was so honored and so excited for them

oh yeah i also was dating dave! like poly-ways, i wasnt cheating on kk of course, but karkat and dave didnt start dating each other until way later cause theyre both repressed nerds

thennn at some point i started having to deal with ultimate-self bullshit and getting headaches and lots of visions,, every path i saw ended up with me dying but i couldnt tell anyone about it cause even worse things would happen if i did :( so i just pretended everything was fine until then...

BUT THEN!!!

my soul or whatever somehow ended up attaching to karkat?? so we had two minds in one body and also somehow ended up changing physically, like his blood color changed to a really dull raspberry red as if our blood had just been mixed together? and we had his knight of blood powers, my seer of mind powers, AND the powers of a seer of blood and knight of mind?? the knight of mind ones were a lot of fun, we could form constructs out of pure thought but it took some concentration and they didnt stick around

so once we fused we had to sort of navigate the world differently and it took some getting used to,, OH also someone got us to watch the earth c version of steven universe and we were HUGE fans of it and we related a lot to garnet!! we actually wore our wedding rings one on each hand before we even saw she did that too

uhh what else... oh yeah dirk tried to kill us once, specifically me with his prince of heart powers, cause we were a "threat" while fused and we only survived because dave saved us and then we ended up having to fight dirk again and kill him,, fun times /s

but uhh yeah thats most of it!! honestly i could go more in depth on all of this stuff cause this is my #1 canon with the most memories but its already SO LONG

thanks for asking!!!!

[tillman]

what ds characters are trans, other than gwyndolin? im curious :0

ok im a dirty transie but i see a lot of ds characters as trans . i dunno if thats just me projecting onto any character i like in anyway but you did ask for this so im going the fuck off thank u for indulging in my special interest hour .... ill only do the ones i seriously believe r trans and have any semblance of a reason for:

ds1 (i know the most about ds1 so this is the longest thank u for ur time .):

laurentius is trans . this is just, too obvious. hes so kind and genuinely caring and it feels weird coming from a cis dude. also since hes from the great swamp, a place of outcasts, it only makes sense dont come at me. i love hijm

solaire is already canonly bi so im just stealing him for the trans community too. mostly fr the same reasons as laurentius no cis dude is this nice

domhnall too!! he 1 sells the armor of many trans characters in the game, 2 his armor is actually really really cool and no cis could ever, and 3 i like him a lot 

anor londo aka home of the trans poeple anyways heres a rapid fire round:

dark moon knightess - duh look at her shes trans, gwyndolin - do i even ... need to say anything, gwynevere is ALSO trans because shes so powerful and radiant, and final ly . the giant blacksmith..... duh .......

oh pricillia is trans too because that would truly fit with her story nicely of being attacked by the other gods for being a monster/not pure and having to escape to the painting for safety. plus velka is like ... lowkey her mother figure and shes trans too so yeehaw

ornstein too .................. he really said fuck work to go find his also trans boyfriend faraam/god of war/gwyns firstborn and i have to respect that

for the dlc???????? oh you know it

ciaran and artorias are trans bicons . they fought dragons HELLO. also i tend to view characters that wear masks as trans a lot just due to . thtas how it be babey.

kirk is trans cus i like him and no cis dude is that compassionate for no reason to a giant spider lady suffering. hes getting no rewards for helping the fair lady besides being a good dude . name one cissie that could do that. plus i wear his armor a lot on my ds3 run so like. trans rights! - kirk of thorns

beatrice and tarkus i dont know much about but theyre cool and help u out in tough battles so they also said trans rights and are trans because fuck you i just woke up im too lazy to dig thru their wiki pages rn

OH OH MY GOD I FORGOT HAVEL. HE LITERALLY SAID FUCK SEATH (A KNOWN TRANSPHOBE) LIVES. TRANS ICON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and finally oscar of astora is trans because i like him . also he gives u soup ... thjats so nice.

ok im gonna be real i dont know too much about ds2 but from what i do know here r some transies: 

i literally cant stress enough that lucatiel is trans. shes so gfucking trans ......... cool girl raised from birth with a sword . born into poverty and fought to get respect and a place in the world but turned undead and FUCK i love her so mcjuh god i *holds her close to my chest* no cissies can touch her

 ornifex is trans cus im pretty sure that model in 1 was supposed to be male but they made her a girl so! trans

tark is trans too because .......m onster people ........................

and uhmmmm mild mannered is in his name . pate canonly trans .

thank u for coming to my ted talk i need to finish 2

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd ds3 which i still dont know as much about but more than 2 at least:

starting off cus it ties in with 1 AND 2 - all the fingers are trans. shes the goddess of rebirth of course trans people r gonna flock to her. kirk ive already mentioned but heysel creighton and (SIGHS) leonhard are all trans !

fire keeper mostly just cus i like the idea of fire keepers being trans . i think its just such a neat story idea

HAWKWOOD. no cissie likes dragons that much

greirat too! hes so nice i just like him .

eygon and irina are both trans and thats why hes so protective of her . you cant change my mind. alos his armor is too cool to be cis

orbeck, as mcuh as i hate to call a severus snape kin trans hes trans hes so trans look at him . he likes books and long walks on the beach.

ANRI IS CANONLY GENDERFLUID WE STAN

and on that horace??? nonbinary. 

yorshka is trans for the same reason pricillia is .

and uhh i have no idea who these other fools are but vilhelm LOOKS trans from armor alone so he is too . 

[tumblunni]

Brainstorming about my yokai watch ocs: Dimmy and Gorgeous Ambassador, the most cutest family

* My Dimmy's name is Blythe and they are nonbinary. Gorgeous Ambassador is male and i dont have a name for him yet. I was thinking maybe try and make up a dub name for kageusuo (anime exclusive pre evolution) that sounds like it could have been his nickname as a human? Cos his story is that he used to be a wandering mercenary in ye olde ninja times, i feel like itd be fitting.

* Blythe is the main partner of my protagonist in my yokai watch lp, basically the jibanyan of the anime of my heart. Their personality is mostly similar to the Dimmy in the anime, but i feel like theyre maybe older and more powerful than the average Dimmy? Like a weak low evolution yokai thats stayed unevolved for centuries and is actually more skilled and world weary than you'd assume. Protag just got lucky that she bumped into this one super magikarp, lol! Also i like to draw them looking more teenage age by just taking the regular Dimmy design and making the tail extra super long. They stand roughly twice as tall as the protagonist and can wrap around her shoulders like a scarf :3 Blythe is however totally unaware of their super powerful mega skill and is very self depreciating and low confidence. But Mallory totally sees them as a cool older sibling mentor figure and is always trying to figure out ways to make their tol squiggle friend feel included and valued :3

* the way Gorgeous Ambassador comes into the picture is that he was actually the same sort of figure to Blythe! Back in the ninja era Blythe was partners with another human, but he passed away in tragic circumstances and it led to their current depressed self. However he actually reincarnated as a yokai and has been trying to find his lil sibling ever since! I feel like he was a failure samurai who tried to protect people but was so weak he never could. And he was always broke and starving and begging to do any sort of miscellaneous jobs for anyone or even let them punch him in the stomach for a few coins. And he had just as much self confidence issues as Blythe but he coped with it by becoming a compulsive liar instead, always boasting and trying to sell himself as some legendary hero to keep from facing the truth. Since Blythe was a cute lil babby yokai at the time, they always believed their human master's tall tales and looked up to him, which made him feel really guilty and try harder to work on becoming someone this kid could be genuinely proud of.

* Blythe was first born as a household spirit. Cos i was thinking about what Dimmy would be before it became a ninja, since the medallium description says it 'got a job as a ninja to put its powers to use', so like it isnt really a ninja yokai but just a yokai thats a ninja? I guess?? I figured that the idea of being an invisible shadow supporter fit with household spirits/domovoi/zakishi warishi (probably mispelled that) and the various other similar creatures in mythologies all over the world. Just the idea that theres some sort of being that protects your house and if you give it offerings and take good care of the place it will protect you and your family. So yeah its my headcanon that thats how Dimmys are born, and that theres probably many variants wearing different outfits inspired by whatever type of humans they guarded. Tho yeh ninja is a job that works really well with their abilities so it makes sense itd be the primary representative of the species in the games.

* Human-dude-who-would-become-gorgeous-ambassador first met Blythe when one of his various failed attempts to get a job happened to cross paths with the family Blythe was guarding. This family didnt believe in such old suspicions and never gave offerings to their household spirit, so it stayed small and weak and was almost fading away. Baby blythe didnt know why their humans didnt love them, even though they tried so hard to bring good luck and clean the fireplace and stuff. So they felt a sense of kinship with this poor failure samurai who was begging for food on their doorstep. The humans of the household spat in his face and turned him away empty handed, but the tiny yokai snuck some rice from the pantry and gave it to him. They were surprised that he was able to see them, and he gave them the first thank you they'd ever had!

* Addendum note: i feel like gorgeous samurai was cursed with being able to see yokai from a young age and its part of whay made him so determined to become strong enough to protect people. Perhaps his biological family was killed by an evil yokai and nobody ever believed what he saw? And he wandered japan trying to save other people and always failing and being blamed for what happened, since nobody could see the real culprit. This reputation of being a liar when he wasnt = he ended up actually lying about how he was totally fine and not sad and also great and not hating himself. Its not really something he can control anymore, its like a stress response and it keeps getting him in trouble but he cant stop. "Yes sure i can save the day, i'm awesome!" only makes things worse when he inevitably loses again, whic only makes his self confidence worse and traps him further in the lies...

* so anyway, he became friends with this lil babby yokai and kept coming back to visit them and tell more tall tales of his grand adventures. And eventually he managed to help Blythe come out of their shell a little and agree to leave this house where they were only fading away. Haunting him instead, the lil shadow soon flourished back to full health from being loved for the first time. And their new big bro would always give them the biggest share of all the food even when he was starving, and always wasted his money buying things for them, and knitted them lil scarfs and just HE WAS A GOODEST BIG BRO! They also made a great team, and he was finally able to fight evil yokai with a yokai of his own helping him out. Things were good for a few years!

* Eventually though, they faced a foe too strong for them to defeat. (Not sure yet who it is, cos it could be cool if they faced it again in the present day for a rematch?) Blythe's human friend ran into a burning building to save the people being attacked by this yokai, but because he was already gravely injured he didnt manage to make it out in time. And blythe was just a tiny bab who wasnt strong enough to carry his unconcious body to safety. So their last memories of him are of crying and begging him to wake up as the house fell apart all around them, and eventually the flames swallowed him up. the tiny yokai just ran and ran away from their shame, and never saw an ashy figure rising from the ruins and calling their name...

* eventually after years of struggling alone and lacking meaning in life, Blythe had a chance meeting with our protagonist and thus begins my yokai watch 1 lets play! At the same time their yokaified big bro is still out there searching for them, and maybe one day theyll meet again...

* also i wanna go with the pre-evo the anime added of Gorgeous Ambassador evolving from a sad depressed vampire lookin dude. Even if the whole circumstances here are vastly different! But we dont really have any info on what kageusuo's powers or stats would be, so i guess i'm free to mess around with that? I like the idea of it being vampiric just cos i feel it looks like that. But instead of drinking blood maybe its a hunger for shadows? Which is actually beneficial to humans and makes them less overshadowed aka the opposite of Dimmy's power. So if you ever feel that you're radiating charisma with perhaps a slightly lighter shadow, maybe youve been inspirited by this guy! And then the evolution into Gorgeous Ambassador doesnt actually change anything at all, except just looking more fashionable and confident (which is absolutely a lie). His power already made people more fabulous while being unable to affect himself, he just worked a bit harder on himself to try and catch up with everyone else. Self care vampire!

* oh and in this interpretation the way that kageusuo would be integrated into the gameplay is that Gorgeous Ambassador would get a new ability that lets him switch forms in battle, rather than it being a separate yokai. (Tho would still have a separate entry in the medallium just for conveinience of being able to view both character models whenever you want) Stuff that causes low confidence would make him poof between forms, and itd just be something like more attack based vs defense based, or maybe having two separate personality stats so its like his AI is slightly more versatile than the usual frustratingness of most yokai? Srsly im still so annoyed at so many yokai that have two mutually exclusive moves and the ai is stupid about using them at the wrong time to cancel each other out. Like how Dimmy can be given the AI personality to focus on attacking and thus take advantage of its auto-skill to be good at dodging aka a glass cannon. BUT also one of its skills gives that same status to an ally instead, which by definition takes it away from itself cos 'dont target this other guy' means there arent many other options. So you cpuld alternatively play dimmy as a supporter who exclusively protects others with that ability BUT the annoying part is that even when you set an AI profile to one particular move it still only makes it LIKELY to do that and not guaranteed. So every now and again your attacking dimmy will cancel its own buff to protect an enemy, or your supporting dimmy will forget to support abd instead buff itself despite not having the attack stat build to take advantage of it. Plus you cant have both and switch between modes mid battle, so thatd be REALLY useful if one yokai actually could do that, and also could change stats to fit! Im not sure how to give it a trigger condition thatd let you sorta change at will but also not be 100% easy and overpowered. I was thinking tying it to his confidence could mean missed attacks turn him into kageusuo and critical hits turn into gorgeous? But thatd be TOO uncontrollable...

* oh actually i think maybe i'll nickname him Amber! Just cos my brain just mispronounced gorgeous ambassador and It Kinda Works??? Also its a kind of name that sounds very pretty but also has connotations of gentle shyness, i think. Matches the duality of his fake boastfulness vs his true self doubt.

* Oh and i also thought of maybe having Blythe evolve into Casanono, even though you cant do that in canon. I feel like turning into a pretty humanoid would be a good way to symbolize their growing confidence ans casanono/casanuva has a big nonbinary aesthetic in my opinion. Plus of course the fact casanono is a variabt of a confident yokai thats actyally shy. Originally older brother dude was gonna be a casanuva to match, until i heard about Gorgerous Ambassador and decided it fits him better (especially with that new anime form!) So now im thinking maybe have Blythe be both casanono and casanuva at once, similar to their bro's form switching? But itd be more like casanuva is a rare super saiyan esque powerup when they experience rare moments of confidence. Im pretty much just doing this because SADLY casanono is a joke character who is literally mechanically forced to be useless in battle. Its ability makes it harder to catch yokai which ia already goddamn difficult, and it wastes a skill slot too. As opposed to Dimmy who has a similar personality of always being ignored and depressed but its abilities are actually beneficial. Itd suck to go from Blythe being my mvp to being unable to use them at all, so this would be a way to still always draw them as casanono in comics to match their actual personality, but using casanuva in battle cos.. Well.. Yeah its the functional one of the two. Level-5 if youre listening please make casanono useable in future games!! Casanuva is absolutely the worst one personality wise so it sucks that the game agrees with his ego that he's great and also punches his depressed counterpart into the bin of ignoreness DESPITE BEING SUPER SYMPATHETIC AND RELATEABLE AND ALSO CUTER COLOURSCHEME

Anyway thats all the thoughts i have so far. Except oh also itd be funny if throughout the whole story blythe keeps talking about their dead brother as if he was the super best most serious hero and then when the protagobists actually meet him he's this gaudy dork XD

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

[tumblunni]

Social anxiety C C C COMBO BREAKERRRRR

I had a real good day yo!!

I was in a really stupid emotional state at 4am this morning cos of a dumb nightmare about my abusive mum that i havent seen in 15 years. But at least because of it it prompted me to try and find the address of my childhood home again, and i successfully did and i had a huge nostalgia wave just looking at google street view. I dont know if i'll ever be brave enoughto actually visit there and walk down the same road again with my new and taller legs, but just knowing that its not impossible makes me feel a lot better.

But then srsly i was in real big panic attack shakes and i couldbt get back to sleep and i had a pounding headache and my eyes hurt and then when i finally passed out i kept waking up like half an hour later and having to go thru all the hell of getting asleep again. And then when i woke up at 5pm having wasted the whole day i realized my electricity was out and i needed to walk the 1.5km to the shop where i can pay the bills and AAAAGH giant headache and on the verge of tears and its the middle of a heatwave and my hair dye is all faded bad and so many damn excuses. And 'oh well itll take like 20 minutes to get ready and then what if i walk too slow and the shop is closed'. All the stupid reasons i use to excuse my social anxiety!

BUT IM REALLY PROUD THAT I STILL DID IT

I'm not just giving myself the 1.5 on my kilometres count, im definately getting two points for 'survived anxious social situation with style and grace'!

Cos seriousky cos of the heatwave i wouldnt be able to wear heavy baggy coat yo cover myself up, so i went out in a short sleeved shirt with my binder and i was really inpressed with how good i looked in the mirror. Yknow even tho my face was like sleep deprived mega anxious death hell! XD but yeahi managed to accomplish the Basic Things Of Daily Life despite being in my worst anxious state for ages, and i did it in sweltering weather and while unconfident in my ability to pass. I actually ended up having a swing in my step on the way back and enjoyed a completely un anxious walk for once! I just saw myself in the mirror in the supermarket bathroom and was like 'holy shit i look perfectly fine, what was i worried about?' And then i didnt completely fall apart due to the now new worry that if i was actually successfully passing then maybe i'd get kicked out for using the bathroom of my birth sex. It was a slow shopping day so nobody else came in there, it was fine. And i mean i'd still feel equally as anxious using the other bathroom, there arent any unisex toilets for nonbinary folk :(

But yeah i handled it really well!! Its such a small anxiety to other people tho and i still feel ashamed that i cant completely shed my peoplephobia all at once. But this was a really big step up that metaphorical staircase!

Oh and while i was there i actually felt confident enough to Actually Do Some Damn Shopping! I didnt just limit it to a basic run and gun, get in there, get the one thing and leave thing. I very often do that!! Sometimes it takes me two trips to the shops to get everything cos i got so anxious i just ran home after the first thing XD But today i actually wandered around the whole supermarket and checked if there was anything on sale or anything i forgot to put on my shopping list. Again, very basic thing that normal people do every day, but for me i usually get irrationally panicked so this was a disproportionately big accomplishment!

I BOUGHT A SHOES

I havent bought a new pair of shoes since like.. 4 years? 5 maybe? I cant recall if it was before i moved here or just after. I have a stupid habit of only owning one thing and only replacing it when its broken, because like.. Leftover instincts from being poorer. And its stupid cos im perfectly able to splurge on electronics or pokemon merchandise or whatever when i have spare money, yet when it comes to actual life necessities im like 'nah what a waste'. I guess its cos avoiding paying for them was a common experience during those homeless times, whereas splurging on self birthday gifts was not a thing i could ever do at all. Possibly this is the same reason i get easily suckered in by scratchcards and lootboxes, its easy to not notice how much i'm wasting when its not something i have a long experience with. Plus they kinda cheat by making each singular pull be cheap and then encouraging you to keep gambling fifty more times. But its only 2 bucks each time~fuckin hell im dumb to fall for that shit.

ANYWAY thats why ive been using the same shitty pair of trainers for like five years. Theyre really durable but theyre not exactly comfy or very good looking. Theyre like this neon green and yellow and black tron lines abomination that i DO KINDA LOVE but ive gotta admit that it doesnt fit with many outfits. I literally dont own a single other yellow anything.

So yeah i bought three pairs of shoes on sale for 15 pound in total HOLY SHIT thats a good dealio! I got some plimsolls/daps/im not actually sure what they call them in other countries sorry. Its like the fabric shoe but it has a good grip runner's sole to it? Always used to wear them in gym class at school, i liked them beter than trainers cos the sole wasnt as thick and inflexible. I mean im already clumsy without like 3cm more height on me! And then i got some sort of loafer thing thats similar but more The Comfort. And then i also got some super soft indoor slippers! So now i actyalky have shoes for differebt occasions!! Jogging walking and laying around being a couch potato! Not just wearing these big chunky trainers for all of that! I mean lol it used to be even worse, once my Only Shoes were actualky these huge mountain climbing boots XD i got them free from the homeless shelter and kept them for years after i left, even tho they were too tight and always cut up the back of my ankles. Ah, memories of past trauma! Why am i stirring up so many of these today!!

So anyway yeah thats my Very Boring Normal Day that for once i managed to handle like a normal human being. I'm proud!

Oh and i also got a glitter cowboy hat and i dont know why they were selling a glitter cowboy hat but it was the only sort of sun hat they had so i went with it. It kinda helps with dysphoria somehow?? Like i know people will criticize that part of my fashion first before they notice how ugly the rest of me is XD and its hard to be sad when you're thinking 'beep boop gender cowboy'