#oh wow after i posted i realized i just gave y'all a wall of text lol my bad

[absolutely-not-my-main-blog]

Writing this on my phone at work so a lil jumbled but one of the things that really does make Macdennis one of the greatest will-they-won't-theys in tv history and why it doesn't annoy me they haven't gotten together yet even this far in when I would usually be pulling out my hair in other cases much earlier on is that it doesn't fall into a lot of the common pitfalls of the genre because in most shows, you *know* the characters are going to be together from the start and they don't actually have a solid reason why it can't happen sooner, other than they need to drag it out for the show, so rather than use the tools they have and naturally play off the existing tension between characters, they almost always feel the need to throw in arbitrary, extraneous, and often frustrating external obstacles instead, like a series of random cardboard cutout boyfriends/girlfriends/wrong place/wrong times that last entire arcs over and over again for the *sole purpose* of keeping them apart and being like not yet tee hee, to the point where you're just like okay, okay, get on with it, already, but with Sunny, almost every obstacle is *internal* (or based on already built in external factors that affect them internally and haven't just been fabricated on the spot to create problems in the relationship): Mac's struggles with his sexuality and religion, both their parents' intense homophobia and neglect, Dennis' past experience of being sexually assaulted, and his fear of being perceived as anything less than perfect in a society he's learned he has to hide from/always be stealthy in, lest you be taken advantage of or hurt, in general that societal expectation, you will get married to a woman (Maureen), start a family, live a "normal" nuclear life, that's how the story goes, etc. etc. not to mention the culture of the time the show itself first aired, network tv of 2005, they didn't start with this endgame in mind, practically unheard of that they would ever get together in any official capacity even if they did, so they were able to grow separately from each other before starting to grow together, naturally inclined toward each other, yet just as naturally held back by themselves and the world that made them this way. But eventually... they outlived that world, and after being so used to standing still, now they're struggling to keep up, to find themselves, to find their place in an environment they no longer recognize, and to reconcile the fact that maybe they don't have to hide anymore, maybe they don't have to be miserable, to run away, it's okay it's okay, but it was not okay for so long, they need time. And I'll get into the parallels more another time because I'm obsessed with them, but in Waiting for Godot (and in turn Big Mo), there's the theme of "The whole world changes, only we can't," but Mac comes out, Dennis claims back his heart, Big Mo shows up, so maybe they can maybe they can, and that change is necessary before anything else can move forward. And god, do I have a lot more to say on *that* topic and theme of change, but I'm saving it for a full essay, god willing🤞

[jackieswift]

8 months later

The I Don't Wanna Live Forever music video gave me some inspiration to write a fanfic. Even though I'm a bit prude I really like the video. I didn't like the first movie (Fifty Shades Of Grey) so I was a bit nervous over the song and even more over the video, but I think they made it really hot, but at the same time very honest. After watching it around ten times and texting my friends like crazy I started to think about my favorite of all Taylor's exes, Adam. How he feels about this, not because Taylor should care, but I really like him so it was just a thought that popped up in my head. I started typing in my thoughts as a text, but realized I could do so much more with it. So here you go, hope y'all like it.

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*Adam's pov*

That day started out pretty chill. I drove to my gym and filmed a few videos to my snapchat story. It was a bit cold outside, or that will say if we're talking about the normal California temperature. Nothing I couldn't handle thought, I mean I'm from Scotland, it's pretty windy, rainy and cold there.

When I was done with the training I headed back to my place, but I had no idea at this point that this day would destroy me.

*Taylor's pov*

26th January, today our music video would go up on the internet. I looked forward to it a lot, but to be honest, I was also a bit scared. Afraid that people would hate me because of the whole "it's with your best friends boyfriend" thing. A few years ago I never thought I would do anything like this. I remember the time Zayn wrote mean stuff about me on twitter and how Adam stood up for me in front of the whole world. That was the moment I knew Adam was the one. Ugh Taylor why do you even think about this today, I said out loud to myself. Why do I think about the fight, why do I think about Adam? He wasn't the man I hoped he would be. He was all sweet and romantic in the start, but then at one point it was like he just changed. I heard from one of my friends that he was so sad when Little Big Town said that I was the one who had written their song Better Man. Because that was the moment he knew I had written it about him. We decided to keep in touch and be friends, but for some reason it's so much harder than it is with Joe. Maybe I just have to give it a little time, but on the other hand I can't help wondering if he's the one I should marry and have kids with. I remember how much I wanted that once.

My thoughts were interrupted by a phone call, the screen light up "Mother <3". I picked up the phone and took a deep breath before I answered. "Hello honey" I heard my mama say with a calm voice. "Hey you" I answered. "Honey, what's wrong? Is it the video, because if it is just call if off" I heard from the other side of the phone. "It's not the video mom, it's..it's...it's nothing, okay?" I said, although I knew she wouldn't let it go before I told her the truth. "Darling, remember how it always end when you don't tell me the truth. This is your big day, so be honest with me". It all sounded so wrong "Mom, it's not like I'm getting married. It's just a music video and if you have to know I'm just...eh...thinking about Adam". It immediately became quiet. "Oh Taylor" was all she said. "I know it's stupid.......I just can't help it. I really have to go, can I call you back in a hour or so?" I asked when tears started streaming down from my face. "Of course, I'll talk to you later. I love you". She hadn't notice my tears, and if she did she wouldn't hang up so I quickly said "I love you too” and hung up the phone.

Did I still have feelings for him, did I still love him? Why am I doing this when I know he don't care. I only was in his way and he's probably happy that I'm gone. So why can't I feel the same?

*Adam's pov*

I felt stuck, like I didn't have anything to write about. Like all the sounds were worthless so I decided to start a live stream on my instagram because that usually gets me in a better mood. I had to end the first one so I started another and I talked with my fans for awhile. A lot of the people who were watching had names like "Lovinghimwasred" or "itsalovestorybabyjustsayyes" and a picture of Taylor. It hurt me a bit to see that all the time, because I can't help thinking that maybe we should have end up together. Maybe she’s the one. But I try to stop think about it, because I know she doesn't love me, she wrote that in her song Better Man. "We might still be in love, if you were a better man". Her feelings were gone so why weren't mine? I see that a lot of the accounts with Taylor's face wrote IDWLF and something about how they were so excited and asked if I were okay. I didn't get it at first, until one person asked "Calvin, do you look forward to see Taylor's new music video?" That was it, she was releasing her music video for the Fifty Shades Darker. That song she recorded together with Zayn, ugh I never really liked him, but I remember our fight over Taylor and how he pressed her down and I stood up for her. That was the first time Taylor told me she wanted to marry me. I said I wanted to marry her too, but wait a bit. She told me she wanted to wait too, but maybe if I had asked her that night, just maybe she still would've been mine.

I thought of Taylor all day long, and to be honest she helped me get some inspiration for a new song. This one is probably the most honest song I've ever written. It's about a person who can't forget about his one true love, just like the way I can't forget about Taylor.

I took up my phone and clicked on Instagram. I searched for her name, "Ta" was all I had to write in to find her name and face on my screen. I clicked on her profile and then on her last thing, that was a video.The caption said "Video tomorrow night midnight est #idontwannaliveforever #fiftyshadesdarker" and when I turned on the sound and looked at the video it was a clip from the music video and Taylor looked hot. I looked at when she had post it and it was yesterday, I then looked at my screens clock and realized that the it already was 8pm. The video would be out in one hour. I decided to go and cook some food.

The video would be out in two minutes and I sat on my couch, super nervous. Taylor and I watched the first movie together, I didn't really like it, but she thought it was hot. I was now kind of scared, because I had no idea of how much she would show off in this video and the worst thing was that my opinion didn't matter. Taylor could do exactly what she wanted to do and I couldn't say that I wanted to be the only one to see that much of her. I couldn't say that I was the luckiest man in the world because of her, I couldn't do anything. 9pm. I put on my television and clicked on youtube. Searched for the video and there it was. I clicked on it and immediately I regret my decision. Zayn stepped out of a car and when he started to sing I felt the words burning against me "Been sitting eyes wide open behind these four walls, hoping you'd call", did she want me to call her? "And I don't wanna fit wherever. I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home" Did she want me in her life? I knew she had written this song. And then Taylor was on the screen. She looks so sad and even though it's just for the music video, I couldn't help thinking maybe this really is a big problem for her. Her hair is longer, but otherwise she looks pretty much the same. She looked like my Taylor.

WOW. I so wasn't expect that, was the first thought that came to me when Taylor starts singing "I've been looking sad in all the nicest places" and then when she lays down on the bed I got an even bigger lump in the stomach. I though I was the only one who would see that side of her. The video ended and I sat there with tears in my eyes. I'm not the kind of guy that cries, but after seeing this video I felt a tear fall down from my cheek, because I realized Taylor isn't mine anymore. That I've lost the best thing I've ever had and that I can't get it back. I took up my phone and wrote in her name. I click at the contact that now is named "Taylor" but before was named "The One". I start typing, but I don't really know what I wanna say. I just feel like saying something.

*Taylor's pov*

I was sitting there with Zayn, Gigi and some other friends and when we had watched the whole video our friends said stuff like "omg it's so good". Gigi hugged Zayn and started kissing him. If I didn't knew them I would probably say get a room, but I was happy for them. Because they were in love, like Adam and I were once. Now I've just released a song about how I still love him and I hope he doesn't hate me for it. I picked up my phone and pressed text messages. I wrote "Adam" this time instead of "The Love Of My Life <3" like I had typed in the time we were together. When I clicked on his name I saw three dots. He's writing to me. He had probably seen the video. He still remember me. From nowhere those dots disappeared and my eyes started tearing up. I excused myself from the room and went up to the bathroom that belongs to my bedroom. I sat there and stared down at my phone as I was waiting for the dots to show up again, but they never did. The tears fell down from my cheeks. This was it, I had lost the love of my life.

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Did you like it? And do you want a second part?

[theworstbob]

the thing journal, 4.9.2017

scattered thoughts on the things i took in over the last seven days. this week: hannibal s3, bad cop/bad cop, the lobster, netflix teen mystery drama (yeah i’m not gonna type the name out, i ain’t finna deal with a fandom), joey bada$$, the big nowhere, win it all

1) Hannibal, season three: Boy, we sure did spend half the season stumbling aimlessly around Italy, didn't we? No no no, give me another abstract montage with fun camera tricks and eight layers of symbolism, Mr. Neftali, I was gonna say, it's been a few scenes since we've had a montage, when are you gonna deliver another one? FUCK IT! THERE AIN'T GONNA BE A SEASON FOUR! INDULGE ALL YOUR WORST IMPULSES! The show picked up once it got to the Red Dragon plot, and one would have to imagine that is due to the fact of, um, the plot existing at that point?, but I think this show took these characters about as far as they could go. This was a good place for it to end. I'm not sure how far they could have gone having everyone speak to Hannibal through a wall for 13 episodes (it was starting to get tired even after a few episodes here). I did enjoy the Red Dragon episodes, that was the Hannibal I loved in the first two seasons, and it built well toward the ultimate ending (or penultimate ending, yay post-credits sequence, do set up that fourth season, no no no definitely gonna happen). Not Hannibal at its best, but close enough and still good enough when it was On that it I'm still OK calling Hannibal one of my favorite series of all time.

2) Not Sorry, by Bad Cop/Bad Cop: I DERIVED VALUE FROM A DIVE INTO YOUTUBE COMMENTS I went into the comments under a Bombpops song just to see what they were like, and they weren't... as bad as I expected? Not good, but at least not explicitly hateful. But someone in the comments mentioned this band, and I was intrigued enough by the name to check 'em out. (I check out new-to-me bands if they're recommended by a trusted source or if they have a dope name.) And that YouTube comment was right, this album fucking rules. "Cheers" is another item in the long list of things I love named Cheers, the closer is superb, and just, there's so much punk/rock goodness, and I can't believe I heard about them via a fucking YouTube comment.

3) The Lobster, by Yorgos Lanthimos: yoooooooooooooooo My chief disagreement with this film is that it's sort of a waste of a fantastical premise. Maybe I'm just spoiled by BoJack Horseman, but I think the premise that single people are turned into animals was mostly wasted, didn't provide for any interesting background jokes, didn't create moral dilemmas when the woman asked the dude to catch rabbits, was barely even a concern through the second half of the film. It only sticks out because so much of the rest of the film was executed superbly. I loved where the film took the main part of the premise (you have to find a mate, you have to share one defining characteristic with that mate; on the outskirts of civilization are Loners). The dialogue is so stilted and unnatural and performed in a highly mannered way, and once you get to the Loners and there's this woman speaking freely and naturally, it really adds to The Leader's power (and that's such a fucking cool performance, too, on its own), and it makes it more pronounced that the dude and the woman never quite break from their practiced way of talking, never quite breaking from the society that instructs, "This is what love is. Loneliness is dangerous." It's also some of the bleakest comedy you'll ever see. It's an odd fit for John C. Reilly's big ol' heart, but he makes it work as he always does, and MY GOSH THE HEARTLESS WOMAN. I WANT A WHOLE MOVIE ABOUT WHAT THE HEARTLESS WOMAN GOT UP TO BEFORE COLIN FARRELL CAME ALONG.

4) Netflix Teen Mystery Drama, s1, cr. Brian Yorkey: So, one good thing, I loved how the show delineated Today from Yesterday, making Today cold and Yesterday warm. It's a simple thing they did, but it gave the show a distinct look and let them do some neat visual stuff with the flashback structure, like I'm not sure I stick with this show if it weren't such a cool thing to look at. Because fucking yeesh. This is a show about stupid people who keep secrets. Literally the entire show doesn't exist if any character told the truth to anyone else in this show at any point. Half of this show is one character saying to another, "I can't tell you that yet" or "I'm not at liberty to discuss that" or "You'll have to find out for yourself" or "This stays between us." I'm hesitant to say it's bad writing, these are TV professionals and I’m a yutz with a blog, but I found it highly disagreeable. And that sucks that the show was written like this, because there's something great about this idea of how kids hurt each other without realizing what they're doing because they’re idiots who don’t know how to be people. I thought it was fascinating that, as these horrible things were happening to the main girl, they kept cutting to the main dude being on the margins, observing the events but not doing anything helpful, and if the show had a tighter focus and could have followed that arrow more closely, it would have been so much better for it. I know this was based on a novel, and while I will likely not read the novel, I have to imagine the novel is better, because the novel doesn't have to fill 13 hours of television with All The Things ALL THE THINGS and pad itself out by having people lie to each other until it is time to make the revelation ("Why can't you tell me now?" "Because you have to wait." "For what?" "Episode nine." Like if you won't be real with each other at least be real with me), and it can be about just The One Thing. That sounds so much better than this show, which feels overstuffed and, I just, I have to ask, season one? Season one. Are you kidding me. How are you going to find 13 more hours in this universe, about these people. Like, I'm good. It's like Broadchurch, I will respect that there's other seasons, but I think y'all did what you came to do in the one. Honestly, between this and the American Psycho musical, I have no idea how Next to Normal is so good. (Compliment sandwich! The main girl was a really cool character, and it was so easy to imagine this being a show about Natalie from N2N in an alternate timeline. Also, I kept count, the exchange "Hey." "Hey." appears in this show four times.) Wow that was hella paragraph for something I wasn't keen on.

5) ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$, by JOEY BADA$$: Hey. White man, here, trying to offer critical assessment of an album called ALL-AMERIKKKAN BADA$$. ...Maybe it's not my place. I mean, it's not really my place to offer criticism on, um, anything, but ESPECIALLY an album about what it's like to be black in America, and not just the Trump America (though he's not happy about that, either), but in an America that has always hated black people, Trump only making that subtext text. I kept thinking "break-up album with America," but that sounds reductive, as did "To Pimp a Butterfly with mainstream ambitions," and while I don't wanna reduce this, I DO still want to say those things. It's good stuff. That's all I can say, really. (Also, there’s a spate of pop artists trying to get by with all-caps names or song titles. This absolutely earns the ability to slam that Caps Lock key. You hear this shit, PARTYNEXTDOOR? This is all-caps music.)

6) The Big Nowhere, by James Ellroy: One good thing about The Thing Journal is that I have an excuse to read physical books on the bus AND read all the books my dad has been giving me for Christmas the past few years! I'll cop (ha!) to not being overly invested in the plot. Oh, boy, a story about a serial killer who's into some weird sex stuff, that's new to me, no tell me about the perverted twist that made the killer what he is, oh wow so fucked up. What I really loved this book was the realistic version of Los Angeles in the 1950s, what with the cops walking around spouting racial slurs as people do heaven and hide their homosexuality. We always get caught up in the notion that the '50s were a more innocent time, our nation is currently being run by people who want us to take us back in time, but like people were doing fuckin' heroin in the '50s. The '50s were shitty, too. I found spending time in this version of Los Angeles valuable. It's a gritty cop drama, sure, but it more than earns its grit. This has been Bob! Attempts To Review a 30-Year-Old Novel Set 60 Years in the Past!

7) Win It All, dir. Joe Swanberg: So one of my favorite lyrics of all time, I can't remember if I've brought this up here or elsewhere but I'm prolly gonna bring it up again, is from Frank Turner's "Recovery:" "Broken people can get better if they really want to/At least, that's what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to/Survive." While only having seen two of his works, this and Drinking Buddies, I feel comfortable saying Joe Swanberg has a deft handle on depicting the person from that lyric in film. My initial impression was that the film didn't do enough to prove the main character deserved redemption (minor spoiler, insofar as this film has a plot, but he does sort of spend the entire film lying to the woman he's falling in love with), but the more I've thought about it, the more I'm thinking, who am I to decide who deserves redemption? He's trying. At no point in his life has he not been trying. He is aware he has made bad choices, and he is keenly aware of his flaws. (His reaction to the contents of the bag is priceless. Jake Johnson is a treasure.) If he makes an honest effort, why shouldn't he get better? No one deserves to be broken, either.