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arediscoveryofself · 6 years

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I rarely talk about men, or guys. And the only men whom had won my deepest respect and heart, are my brother and father. Hardly any other man comes close to them.

My dad, illiterate in English, but he talks to me history every now and then. I always thought I'm similar to my mum, only to realise i was wrong during the Europe trip.

The first day in Berlin, we sat in the Starbucks at Berlin Airport. I went to get coffee and tea for us, only to see my dad journaling away as he jots down his exhilarating emotions. I look at my dad, and realise, maybe we're really so similar.

Taiwan 2013, it was the first time our family went to a country beyond China and SEA. God knows why, but I insisted on going to museum to see things that I know yet dont know. But my dad clearly knows way more history than me, so he patiently guided me and told me the story of Song Sisters. That explains my love for history.

My brother, persistent and persevering, he deserves all the A+ deans list and prestigous internships.

Then comes you.

May 2017, we met, at AMK Hub, wanting to do competitor analysis for a restaurant that we worked for. You were different from all other guys that I've met. At the top of AMK Hub, you shield me away from the children riding animals cars, for fear of them bumping into me. At the food court, when I'm so used to ordering and buying food all by myself, you insisted that I sat while you make the order. You didnt bother finding out what to eat,but just bought 2 set meal at the chicken rice stall.

"What did you want to drink? "

I said my favourite drink of all time, "Teh o bing"

But auntie somehows made teh bing instead. But i drank it anyways and you told me, that i'm different because i dont make a fuss out of big things, unlike any other girls you've met.

I shook my shoulders because i didnt know what to react, because this is me and i never make a fuss out of small things. But i too, wanted to reply, "you're the most diff guy I've ever met."

We took the covered walkway to Cheng San, with my lap top in my tote bag, sling over my shoulders. You told me, "Dont use this kind of bag, its bad for your shoulders."I smiled and continued walking.

"Eh do you want me to carry it for you? "

I said nope, because i never like people carrying things for me.

I had a feeling that you would wish me luck for my first day of internship which was the very next day. And you actually did. You sent me a clover emoji and I asked you why. You said, "it represents good luck". And from then onwards, 4 leaf clover became my lucky charm.

In that instant, I knew you're different and this friendship is going to be different. Internship and CCC got me so tired, sleeping at 12 am and later almost every day, but I'll always make it a point to text you on the pretext of Bliss. And you'll always rush me to sleep, just like how my mum did.

I harboured hopes, hoping that things would turn out to be something beautiful. I know, i was threading on thin ice, but I continued to harbour hopes. I hate this uncertainty, and I hate having butterflies in my stomach.

Then comes June. I wanted to put all these romance and butterflies away, but one night, I lied down on my bed, and suddenly gazillion thoughts went through my head. About how you felt, how you thought. I really wanted to sleep, because i knew, i cant text you like how a friend do. But when I shut my eyes, a voice told me to love you, like how i'll love a brother in christ.

So I typed the longest message to you ever. I put away my phone for i fear the reply.

The phone lit up a few seconds after, and you said, "i've never told this to anybody. How did you even know?"

I dont know how to explain the existence of God to somebody whom is a non christian. But i ended off with saying, " I know we share different faith, but just know that, you have a god above, who truly loves you for who you are."

My heart broke when you replied, "No offense. But i believe that christianity is not for everybody."

I try to tell myself that its ok, its truly ok. We can just be friends. But how do you thread the thin line between friends and more than friends. To catch the fish market at Jurong at 12 am was an excuse, I simply wanted to find excuses to go out with you. You didnt know I sacrifice cell for you, but i happily did it, cause you were a gem to me.

God somehow knows the way to my heart. While waiting for the bus at the ulu interchange, you made your way to an eatery, and shove the water bottle down my bag. "See, you dont have water with you again."

That moment, I told God, "what do you want me to do now?"

We were stopped at the fish market, because of cameras, but somehow, you smoked out some reasons and we got in. And you said the manliest things ever, " later if anything, just say I initiated this photoshoot."

I got captivated at the killing and cleaning of fishes, while you waited patiently and paved the way for me, for fear of me slipping and falling. Then I knew, you were the most caring man ever.

I really wanted to clarify our relationship, but I lack the courage to do so. So that night, we went home separately.

God is truly humourous. That August, i won the competition and got offered full time job at a fin tech company and i know it is truly by God's grace and His grace alone. So I knew, that I cannot be tgt with a guy who is non christian. And that time, you told me that you were seeing another girl. So I didnt reply to your text at CCC final when you wish me luck.

But caring and meticulous as you are, you wished me all the best on 21 August, the night I was due for Netherlands.

The butterflies came back again, but soon, our convo died just like how it was always shortlived.

I never initiated any chat, and it's always you, who would asked me who am i doing in netherlands. To the extent that you airflown my favourite cereal to my apt. The postage cost $75, a considerable amount to a guy who is on bursary and part time jobs.

I wanted to return the favour, but you insisted no. So i relented. But we stopped talking, as we always did.

Then came November, you knew of the refugees flooding into Netherlands due to a hurricane, and checked up on me. I asked God again, "why. Why."But in my heart, I'm secretly happy that you did.

Just when I thought its over, you wished me happy new year, 7 hours before 12 am because I was in France and you were in Singapore. We revived our chat history.

"So 2 Feb you're coming back?"

I said yes.

"Anybody going to pick you up?"

"i dont know yet. my dad's working, if not i can just cab back home."

"If not i go fetch you. Its a saturday anyways."

"No, dont come."I replied. I never like the idea of you going out of your way for me, because we werent anything.

"But i live near the airport."

No you dont. You live in freaking serangoon and not pasir ris.

But the conclusion was that you didnt have to come because my bro would be coming.

I couldnt understand whatever that was going on, and I felt that you were stepping over the boundaries of a friend. So I asked Vanessa what should I do. After all, shes the only friend that have met you.

She told me to clarify our relationship. So I did it, without any fear because I know, that we can still be friends no matter what.

And true enough, you said, you only treated me as a very close friend because nobody can understand you like i did. Surprisingly, I didnt seem too sad. And i slept peacefully that night, knowing that i've got a closure in my heart.

But things, continued to be in a grey area.

2 Feb 2018, I came back. And you texted "Are you back in Sg?"

Being the mischievous kid that i always am, i said, "Nope, stuck in Qatar due to weather circumstances."

I sensed in your tone that you're worried sick. So I played along and told you to not worry because Doha Airport provides proper accommodation.

Then I knew the joke was kind of out of hand, so I relented and said I'm happily lying on my bed.

But you seem to have forgotten the dim sum treat that you're supposed to treat me. And I didnt want to cause any unnecessary butterflies and fluttering of heart, so I stopped texting you.

Yet, i dont know what has gotten into me, in May, i told you to meet up. Because I want to meet you as a friend, and I wanted to see if i have truly moved on.

So on hari raya puasa, we met at old airport road. For all the cheap and good local delights. Then you handed me a really bitter herbal drink and you said, "Nah, you forgotten to bring water again right?"

My heart fluttered for you again.

We ate so much, my stomach was bursting and I suggested walking to Stadium to chill.

As dramatic as it was, I played with the shadows and I tried imagining us holding hands. You kept making sure I drank up, so much so that i really wanted to puke.

You already had a girlfriend, but you told me that the conversation you had with me that very night, was more than what you had with your gf for the past 2 weeks. I told you, that you should prolly talk to your gf to clarify things and to improve on your r/s. You somehow werent interested because you seem to be resigned to that fate.

That moment, i really wanted to tell you that you deserve a better girl, but I didnt because I didnt want to be a third party.

That night, we sat over looking kallang river. Hearing the waves that crushes against the man made beach. You told me that you wanted to be a police.

"Wow. To change the nation?"

"Not so noble. I just want to change the things around me."

"And because I am not interested to be in those tall buildings out there. It doesnt seem to have a meaning."

We both looked at the CBD that you're pointing to.

"What a man." I whispered in my heart.

That night, we shared. We shared so much that i know, I'm gonna miss this night.

We bid goodnight, and we never talked again.

I knew, that only on my birthday, would we rekindle our conversation. And true enough, you wished me at 3 am on my birthday, and told me that you wanted to wait till 12, but you gave into the zzz monster.

I took the chance to ask you out, as a friend, to catch up on life.

You said sure. so I was eagerly waiting for the day to arrive.

But the weekend before, I met van, and told her about all these things. And i actually told her that I'm thinking of cutting you off my life, for I cant handle this weird feelings anymore.

Van said, "Maybe god purposely intertwine both of your lives, not for romantic reason. But to spread your positivity to him.Why cant you talk to him just like how you talk to me and just ask deep questions like how we always do."

Then i realised I cant. You've always treated me as a close friend, but you were never a friend to begin with. I've always treated this r/s gingerly and carefully.

I knew that you only had a few shirts to wear, so I've alr got plans to buy you 2 uniqlo oxford shirts that week to pass to you on wed. But you told me that you had to OT, so we had to cancel our plans.

I heaved a sigh of relief silently, and then I realised, i've viewed this friendship and outing too seriously.

We have yet to decide when is the next outing going to be, but till then, my eyes continue to look at the man's section whenever I see a uniqlo outlet.

People are so curious about my future boyfriend,but how and where do I even begin telling this story.

One night, at a rooftop bar carpark, an intern shared my woes. And he said, "people like us, who rarely gave our hearts away. Once we did, its just too hard to move on."

I've honestly met so many god fearing and eligible men this year, but somehow, I'll always compare them to you. Nobody is as gentlemanly as you.

Writing this, not because i've let you down, but i'm trying to close this chapter. I'm trying to tell myself to move on, to start a new chapter.

And hopefully, the next time we meet, i can really meet you in a capacity of a close friend.

Thank you for the past 1 year 2 months, J.

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