#ok time to go on a tag ramble journey because you deserve to read even more after reading this big ass comic update -poses-

[souptomatobasil]

Hello and welcome to the "ah fuck i skipped like two updates by accident" MEGA UPDATE Whoops <3 Anyway here's everything you missed ok im gonna go back to working on the rest of the comic now <3

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[puppy-phum]

2020 – a (content creator) year in review

I decided to make this into a mix of these two games I was (kinda?) tagged into so thank you for @leonzhng and @tiesanjiao ♥ I hope you don’t mind me doing it like this ^^ all the questions were just so interesting that I wanted to try!

(bc of the amount of questions, I’m placing them under a cut so that I don’t flood anyone’s dash) 

Me

(this is the 2020 year in review that hanyi tagged me to ♥ sorry am so late!)

Top 5 Movies you saw this year

wow tbh I didn’t watch many movies this year as I realized yesterday when I was thinking about this for certain reasons. Or at least I feel like I didn’t watch that many? Nothing really stuck with me it seems.

Because of this, I will only mention two: Parasite and The Old Guard. Those were both wonderful in their own ways and I’m very happy I got to watch them both ^^

Top 5 TV shows you watched this year

this one is difficult bc I watched so many (and forgot even more?) but:

The Lost Tomb Reboot (my introduction to DMBJ. this drama stole my heart and helped me through the tough autumn semester!) 

Joy of Life (it’s nuts that this happened during 2020? it feels like it was ages ago)

Kingdom (such a positive surprise and I really hope we get more of this :o I really recommend!)

Detective L (easy, nice aesthetics, amazing costumes. Bai Yu was a delight as Luo Fei)

Sand Sea (I am still baffled by how much I loved this bc I had so many doubts? am happy I did tho)

Bonus: Guardian (bc it has come to stay and the rewatch has been so emotional but so rewarding)

Top 5 songs of 2020

this is a tough one too bc I’ve heard so much new music during 2020 but I will try to put it simply:

Black Swan by BTS (I absolutely adore this song. I listened to it on repeat when it came out at the beginning of the year, I have cried for it a ton, I enjoy every stage I see for it and it’s just a masterpiece. it has also helped a bit with my writing struggles that I’ve felt creeping up on me lately)

Always by By The Coast (an amazing song that always leaves me in my feels. inspires me a lot all the time)

Love me or Leave me by DAY6 (this whole album was a masterpiece and I listened to it on loop for like. two weeks? this was my favorite song on it even if I adored the rest too, especially Zombie)

all of my life by Park Won (listened to this a lot in relation to my xicheng and the wedding I finally got to write for them ;; that’s one good thing that came out of this year tbh)

雨人 by 刘畅 (Liu Chang) (with the Reboot’s ending song, this one is my favorite on that ost. I love Liu Chang’s voice, I loved Liu Sang as a character and as I said, I loved Reboot as a drama. I get super emotional about this ost so I think it defined this year a lot for me)

Top 5 books you read in 2020  

All For The Game -trilogy (listened to these as audiobooks but that counts right?)

The Song of Achilles (as an audiobook too and really adored the reader’s voice)

The Smoke Thieves -series (I really just binge read the two first books in this series and am so excited for the next one!)

Call Down The Hawk (love love love)

Guardian novel (am not very into these novels usually but I was positively surprised this time? it was so cool to finally get the original story and compare it with the drama version)

5 positive things that happened in 2020

joined mdzsnet and met all the amazing ppl there and got to become part of this loving community and :’) I’m so thankful, it’s been a joy

learned more about editing? or started doing it regularly. I still can’t do shit but am having fun learning more all the time and I really hope that maybe the upcoming year I can switch to PS and try out giffing?

went to Halsey’s concert! it was in february so a bit before all the hassle with covid happened over here ;; it was super cool and so nice and I just. I love Halsey

fell into the DMBJ hellhole which am very much enjoying. it’s a great universe and the story is so good and the dramas have been so fun to watch and. it feels like a good continuation to The Untamed somehow haha (also brought me a new friend! you’re amazing ashen!! ♥)

started therapy and it’s been... a journey. but towards something better I think? it’s something I would’ve needed ages ago but it’s better late than never I suppose

My Creations

(this is the other part where ali was being super sweet and mentioned me ♥ thank you for being so awesome!)

1. first creation and most recent creation of 2020: wow it’s been a while since I’ve looked at this horrible creation but here ya go jkdhgk [x]. I’ve come a long way from this (and my xicheng has come a long way from this too). most recent one is this xiaoge edit that I absolutely adore [x]. 

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020: this wwx edit that was part of my agust d2 edit series [x]. I loved to give him blue instead of his typical red. 

3. a new style you tried this year and a gifset edit that uses it: this [x] wwx edit which I don’t know if I like or not but I was playing around with the font and all the effects instead of just normal screenshots + coloring. also I just adore the quote. 

4. a creation to be proud of: I could mention that xiaoge here but in addition, I will also say this wu xie edit for reboot [x]. I managed to capture my vision so well, I was surprised. for cql, this songxiao edit [x]. I loved how it turned out in the end. 

5. a creation that took forever: this wangxian edit [x]. like I’ve said several times, I lost sleep bc of it. I just kept struggling with the third pic and how to place the text there D: 

6. your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this lwj/wangxian edit [x]. I had many ideas for this edit when I first started making it and I never managed to capture my vision in the way I first intended... the pictures I was supposed to use just never fit quite right sigh. I dunno why it was this one that gained all the notes in the end bc I personally think I have better ones too but am still thankful :’D 

7. a creation you think deserved more notes: as said, dmbj fandom on tumblr is very small so I really want to say the two already mentioned ones (wu xie and xiaoge) and then my pingxie edits [x] [x]. also these wwx edits which I personally am very happy about [x] [x]. and from my agust d2 series, this yun bros one [x].

8. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: really just dmbj this year and I’ve already linked all of my creations for that :’D tho I have plans for another pingxie edit and a liu sang edit! oh and maybe I could mention guardian here with this shen wei [x]. I had so much fun while making it (also the quote just haunted me relentlessly until I gave it a moment). 

9. a creation you made that breaks your heart: this must be my easter islanders (lwj and jc) edit [x] that just. awoke many thoughts in me? I’m going to put a link to the version where you can read my ramblings underneath :’D 

10. a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: my creation for the creator (gif?) challenge that was going around! [x] it was simple and nice to do and I loved the result. also, it was nice to work with jl for a change :’) 

11. a favorite creation created by someone else: oh wow ok so this is going to be rough bc I have so many favorites ;; you can look at this post here [x] to see more! 

but to love my two taggers am going to say these [x / x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by hanyi (I always love your edits, the colors you choose, the thoughts you put into them (and your humor too!). there are so many cool things you’ve done that I just stay in awe of! I adore all of it ;; ♥) and these [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] by ali (I love all of your gifsets so much, they have such pretty colors and such good scenes, and I am thankful every day that you make all the amazing dmbj content, pls never stop ;; I should go through all of your creations properly one day! I noticed you have sand sea stuff too and let me scream?) ^^ ♥

12. your favorite content creators and blogs that you appreciate: this is going to be a huge list and I’ve already made my love heard for some but no hurt in doing it again so @i-am-just-a-kiddo @ashenwren @tiesanjiao @kholran @lzswy @englishbunnyrocks @leonzhng @aheartfullofjolllly @yibobibo @inkblue-black @cross-d-a @bloody-bee-tea @fytheuntamed @mdzsnet @lifegoesmon @creeds-eagle @underaswift-sunrise @sarawatsaraleo @lan-xichens @mylastbraincql @wangxianbunnydoodles @manhasetardis @distantsnows @ohsehuns @minmoyu @linglynz @highwarlockkareena @yiqiie @aowyn @alienwlw @wangxiians @kingbadcat @sassyassassy @tytangfei @lanzhannnn @skzmxtp @leoyunxi @yoonqiful @softjeon @rapbabenamjoon @ronan-adam @miyakuli @pavusdorian @arsuf @brolinskeep @gawincaskeyy and so many others! (sorry for all the random ppl on this list that I’ve never even talked to ^^’ just know that you make my dash a wonderful place! ♥) 

I won’t tag anyone separately here but everyone who’s already been tagged or sees this is free to do this (or link me posts if you’ve done these already!) ♥ have a nice day everyone! 

[lucarionycteus]

Why You Should Respect Ash's Lucario OR Why Anipoke Shouldn't Push a Rivalry between Lucario and Cinderace OR I have no idea what to title my first Pokemon Analysis

Now, as you read this, I know what you're probably thinking. Nycteus, tons of people have already analyzed this new season of the Pokemon Anime and Ash's team. Why are you kicking this beehive?? Well, sit down for a minute, and hear me out on this.

Ash's team this season, is a big deal. This season and the Pokemon he has adventured with are truly something special. And while there's going to be time for me to cover nearly all of them in due time there is one in particular who spurred me into action to write this post:

Ash's Lucario.

This absolute unit, this powerhouse of character development, this loveable mothertrucker is what convinced me of Anipoke's quality. Quite simply put, this Lucario is my favorite Anipoke mon we've had in years.

Now, Lucarios in the Pokemon anime are nothing new: we've had approximately 20 billion of them (I counted). Although in the past, Lucario's were basically background characters, their trainers being non main characters who appeared for 3 episodes or little more. There were a few exceptions, such as firstly, Cameron and his Riolu/Lucario (who are adorable and underrated)

And secondly, the one we all know, the Lucario from the 8th Pokemon movie (No, I'm not gonna refer to him as Sir Aaron's Lucario, because he's his own independent doggo)! Now this Lucario in particular, from the Mystery of Mew, is well worth going into detail on because of his relevance to Ash and my current season Pokemon GOAT, which I'll get into. In this film, Lucario was from a time far in the past, long before trainers and Pokemon capturing existed. He had a human best friend, named Aaron. Well, more accurately, Aaron saw Lucario as a friend, but Lucario thought that Aaron saw him as simply his student, and treated him as if one would treat a teacher. This misunderstanding, along with several other events, leads to one of the most tragic stories in the Pokemon anime.

Aaron, who in this film is an Aura Guardian and fights to protect his and Lucario's home, suddenly finds that home being devastated by a war. Their home, the Kingdom of Rota, is connected to the Tree of Beginning, a spiritually significant tree in which Mew, the legendary Pokemon, lives. It's at this point that Aaron makes a bold decision:

Aaron decides to sacrifice himself, and before doing so, he uses his aura staff and abilities as a Guardian to trap Lucario in a protective sleep within his staff, thinking that Lucario will try and follow him and could lose his life as well. Lucario remains in stasis for centuries until the aura of one boy in particular, wakes him up: Ash Ketchum's. Ash's aura is so similar to Sir Aaron's that, when Ash is wearing a costume made to honor Aaron (an award he was given by Rota's current government), his aura is virtually indistinguishable from the hero.

This Lucario wakes up in the time period of Ash's and is confused and even angry at first, mistaking Ash for his former friend Aaron. However, Lucario then decides to help the boy (whose Pikachu had been mistakenly kidnapped by Mew to The Tree of Beginning) the two even become friends after Lucario was initially distrustful of humans. Lucario goes through great character development and learns to help Ash, even bravely protecting him and his friends from other Pokemon at the Tree of Beginning who don't understand why a human is there and aren't afraid of showing violence to Ash and his friends. However, what makes this Lucario's story truly tragic, is how he ultimately succumbs to the same fate that Aaron did: as all of the time Ash and his human friends spend trying to rescue Pikachu put the Tree of Beginning in danger and the only way to set it right, is for the tree to be given the aura of a true Guardian. Lucario offers selflessly to help, and Ash does too, as he now remembers what Lucario told him about his aura being similiar to Aarons. Ash bravely works alongside Lucario to revive the tree, but ultimately, Lucario shoves Ash to the side, not wanting the boy to sacrafice himself. Lucario smiles at Ash, and with that, he leaves his life... Someone who Ash had formed a true bond with, just gave his life to protect Ash and every other living creature at the Tree of Beginning by preventing the Tree's death.

It's on this exact stage, that we now transition to the 21st episode of the Pokemon anime. In this episode, Ash manages to do the impossible and inspires a Pokemon to leave its egg early in the Pokemon Center purely through the inspiration with which Ash gives it.

Yes, you heard me correct, a Pokemon that hadn't yet hatched from it's egg, is so inspired by the positive energy, his aura with which Ash gives off that it hatches. And this Pokemon, is none other than Riolu the baby form of Lucario.

This, is a huge deal. This is something fans have been waiting for years to see, ever since Ash's aura was strong enough to wake Lucario up in the Mystery of Mew. Ever since the bond Ash had with Lucario in that film, fans were waiting for Ash to raise a Lucario of his own. And he did it: He welcomed this Riolu into his life with open arms. And even better, this Riolu has recently evolved into a Lucario, single-handedly from the friendship between the two of them. And... The rest is adorable Pokemon history...

Now, after this amazing first showing, something has changed. The recent Pokemon episodes have been neglecting on developing Lucario and instead focusing on cheap jokes involving it getting angry with Goh's Pokemon, Cinderace (Goh being one of several new main characters for this season. Not only is Lucario being involved in these rude and mean spirited jokes, but it is now even implied to have a rivalry with this Cinderace!

Which makes no sense, as previously they were friends, not to mention that Ash has been shown to be more of a mentor to Goh, so it makes no sense for Goh's Cinderace to be bitter with Lucario. It would make far more sense for Cinderace to want to learn from Lucario, considering Ash and his Lucario are clearly shown to be so strong...

However, I will not harp on this point, as my friend Sunseeksday has already made a far more well written post than mine on why exactly a rivalry between Ash's Lucario and Goh's Cinderace makes no sense.

Hiya! I like to write stuff! (requests closed) — Why a rivalry between Ash and Goh WOULD NOT work (tumblr.com)

Now, after you've heard this long passioned ramble from me, I have a question: Does it truly make sense for Ash's Lucario to be forced into a bitter, meanspirited fued with Goh's Cinderace? No, it doesn't make sense, and its not what Lucario or Cinderace deserve. They deserve to have satisfying development that isn't forced...

So, you guys feel similarly, right? OK, Good.

Tags: pokemon journeys anipoke pokeani ash ketchum pikachu lucario goh cinderace

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 512

Looking for a way to spend Mother’s Day? Well, we here at Outlander have the perfect idea! Celebrate with the women you love by watching us gang rape grannie!

This episode is like the perfect storm of everything that is wrong with Outlander. The cast and crew saying it’s their strongest episode yet when it’s basically artsy gang rape. The CYA trigger warnings when the story would have worked perfectly well without including yet another rape. The kool aid-drinking fans yelling at and acting holier than thou at the fans who rightfully call out the massive problem this show has with rape and assault. The fans yelling at other fans because It’S iN tHe BoOk so it has to be included. The fans yelling at other fans for wanting to follow the books but not wanting rape every 0.5 seconds. The fans yelling at other fans to fuck off if they don’t like the show. The women in the cast throwing out trigger warnings while the men are radio silent or wanting the gladiators to face the plague and fight for their own amusement. It literally has everything.

And I am tired.

I’ve been in this fandom for six years and have had quite a journey. From first discovering the show and immediately devouring the books. The honeymoon period where I could headcanon out all the problematic bits. The getting deep into the fandom nonsense. The getting out of the fandom nonsense. The judging the fandom nonsense because it’s funny and they’re all idiots. The getting sick of the fandom nonsense because it’s not even fun to judge the dummies anymore. The becoming more and more aware that it’s impossible to whistle past the problems in the books and the show. The sticking around, holding out hope things might turn around and the initial magic could be recaptured. And finally, the giving up.

The books are trash. The show is trash. There are a handful of good scenes in each which can be enjoyed on their own, but as a whole, holy shit this stuff is not good. (Seriously, I tried to do a Fiery Cross reread before the season started. I started like a year ago and am still only at Jocasta’s wedding because I just don’t care enough to actually get through it.)

Which brings us here. I am tired. I have already ranted and raged and yelled and swore and wrote far too many words about the gratuitous overuse of rape in the Outlanderverse. It fucking has its own tag for fuck’s sake.

So here’s a recap. And then I think I’m done looking at this show in detail. Not because the idiot fans insist on coming to my notes to tell me to fuck off if I don’t like the show. Not because the crew are condescending douchecanoes. Not because the author is a misogynist garbage heap. But because spending an hour of my time for a few weeks out of the year to write these things isn’t worth it. I did it for as long as I did because it took so little time. So why not? But yeah, it’s not even worth that tiny commitment anymore.

And to the people who I know will @ me about how no one was forcing me to stick around and I could have quit any time, yeah, no shit captain obvious, I know that. Fuck off already. I stuck around because I really liked the little corner of the fandom that I’d found. I made some awesome friends. Most of those friends have since quit the fandom. I’m really glad to have them in my life outside of this little corner of the internet. And it was a fun writing exercise. I don’t really like the show anymore, but I enjoyed building an argument about why I don’t like it and think it’s bad that has valid points behind it. Especially considering how blindly overly adoring a bunch of the fandom is about it. But now I think I’d rather consume Outlander content as pretty people in pretty period costumes in gifsets. Or like, on in the background but not really paying close attention. Why not quit altogether? Because to quote the great Ron Swanson (I’m halfway through a Parks rewatch and I just love that show a lot ok.), I can do what I want. And besides, there’s like a fucking library’s worth of fics that I haven’t read and have been meaning to. And I like the characters enough to want to keep reading about them in stories that are better than the canon. (Bless you fic writers, blesssss.)

So. Was this whole ramble self-indulgent and overly serious for a fucking TV show? Absofuckinglutely. But please see the aforementioned Swansonism.

Alright, fuckos. Let’s do this.

This is a Roberts brainchild, isn’t it. *checks credits* Yup. Knew it. This feels very much like a Roberts special. In that he is probs quite pleased with himself but like, it’s crap.

Yes, we ARE doing ANOTHER rape story! But look! It’s a disassociation montage! It’s the ‘60s, get it?! There are callbacks! An orange from the king in season 2! A vase from season 1! A rabbit from season 3! An amber-looking dragonfly! Jamie with the young hair spouting off book lines! ApPrEcIaTe MuH aRt! We are so good at finding new and creative ways to rape our characters! Fuck off, twatwaffle. You are the worst.

Like, does Roger feel left out at this point? He’s only been hanged. Literally everyone else has either been raped, been sexually assaulted, or been threatened with rape and/or sexual assault.

“But it’s not gratuitous! Look! They’re all so different! Jamie’s was overly graphic and he got a half a season to brood about! We manged to not show much of Fergus’ (but still showed a thrust) because he’s a child and it was just a plot device for Jamie and not actually about him! Mary’s was about Fred! Claire’s with the king was about Jamie! Jamie’s with Geneva was shot like p0rn! Marsali being threatened by the sailors was to motivate Fergus! Bree’s was about the other people in the room and Roger! Claire’s really has no purpose because she’s already been kidnapped and beaten, and that is super traumatic, and we’re gonna wrap it up with a bow by the end of the episode!”

This fucking show, guys. This fucking show.

Bonus points* for the Black character spouting off the superstitious stuff.

*By bonus points I mean this show, and the books are absolute shit on matters of race. The books especially.

The cast and crew have 100% heard everyone’s thoughts on the overuse of rape in the Outlanderverse. And their response has been to include more and more of it. We had a whole season of one character’s arc being about her rape and literally as soon as that was resolved, they gang rape another character. It really does tell you as much as you need to know about them. Lazy. Fucking. Cowards.

Kidnapping not enough trauma? Let’s add some gang rape! Gang rape not enough trauma? Let’s add visualizing that your daughter and grandchild are dead! Just like Fred died! This show really brings trauma p0rn to a whole new level.

Called the Bree and Roger shit.

This scene with the men rallying to go save Claire is like another layer of fuck you. Bree, you stay home, men, give your hero lines and let’s have a getting ready montage. Because your hero moment is what this is really all about. And your manpain about killing someone. *screams into a pillow*

The petty side of me is happy that it was Fergus and Young Ian who are with Claire when they find her and not Roger. Her two sons...

Why yes, I am judging all of the fans who like get their panties all wet over Jamie being like “It is I who kills for her.” Like “yeah go ahead and rape and beat Claire within an inch of her life if it means the big strong man gets to come in and save her and say something intense.” Fuck off and go take a hard look at yourself and what that says about you.

“Was there an Indian there?” “Nope, he wouldn’t help you because LiOnEl but somehow was able to peace out when it was in his interest. Because he is as bad as the ones who actually raped you.”

The Bree and Claire hug makes me both sad and angry. I want to hug them both and take them out of this fucking place and tell them that they’ve been done dirty and deserved fucking better from the writers.

Glad Marsali gets in on the hug. Claire’s two remaining daughters.

Claire’s “I have fucking survived” speech is like the one time she she actually talks about herself not in relation to a man. It’s about her. Claire. HOWEVER! It is epically fucked up that a woman needs to check off all the trauma she’s endured to show she’s a strong character.

So. Fucked. Up.

The fact that we’re spending time on Roger’s manpain about killing someone also really tells us a lot about the show’s feelings toward women. Yeah, killing someone is a big deal. It’s normal and expected to have feelings about it. But the juxtaposition of Claire’s speech about all of her traumas with Roger being like yeah, I killed a guy who had kidnapped, beaten and raped your mom is like, read the room, bro/writers.

The fact that the men put Claire’s rapist in her surgery, her space, her place of healing, where she is able to be most herself, makes me want to punch each and every one of them in the throat. Like seriously. Fuck each and every one of them.

Also Lionel is like cartoonishly terrible. Not that nuance has ever been this show’s strong suit. But like come the fuck on.

Marsali killing Lionel is the one thing about this episode that I didn’t hate. The men are all like “We kill for Claire! Let’s all rally in this montage and go do the manly thing of defending the woman!” Marsali is just like, yeah, that’s my Ma you fucked with. She shows some agency. She doesn’t do it in a performative way for the other men or for Claire like the guys do. She just knows this fuck needs to die, knows it’s gonna be hard for her and might damn her soul (don’t worry Marsali, all that religion crap is bullshit), and does it anyway.

Marsali’s arc has been my favorite of this whole fucking series. The one bright spot I was hanging on to all of this season especially.

Her quick scene with Jamie doesn’t bother me like Roger’s does. Because Roger is like oh no, I killed a guy! Can you forgive me? For killing a rapist? Like fuck off, bro. And Marsali is like yeah, I killed a guy. I hope I’m not damned for it, but the guy needed to die so I did it.

Also like, Richard had potential to not be cartoonishly bad. But like nope. “He reaped what he sowed, but cLeArLy I’m gonna need to escalate this further. Because manly men can’t let shit go.”

Fuck all men, tbh.

*googles how to emigrate to Themyscira*

Jamie’s speech that’s like supposed to parallel Claire’s can fuck all the way off. Giving him the last voice over just underscores how this was all about men. Not Claire. But the men. Fuuuuck everything.

Look! Everything’s fine again! Back to normal! Peaceful for a bit! With a cheesy af on the nose storm coming! So you know something bad’s coming! In case you forgot!

And Jamie got a book line. So it’s all good now.

And don’t worry about Claire, y’all. She feels safe now. Her and Jamie fucked it out.

It’s amazing, in retrospect, that I ever let this story suck me in so much.

Happy Mother’s Day! See you on the other side of the hiatus.

[lairep]

what about cat noir? poor kitty isn't appreciated by ladybug either. they should just cancel lukanette and make ladynoir happen

Asfdshgfdkfslksf;lk i don’t rly care for this discourse?? Can’t we just accept Lukanette exists without trying to “cancel” it because even if I don’t ship it, I get why people do? And that’s why I made those posts?? Stop hatin’, please. Let people have fun. :c

FYI, there’s a new feature on tumblr that lets you filter tags, and I tag properly on my blog so you can just block tags you don’t want to see. I’ve been tagging Lukanette since the dawn of time, and other non-canon ships as requested, so please use this feature from now on if my positive look on the ship bothers you. 

That being said, I guess you didn’t read my post-script + gif on my last post. Don’t blame you though, I tend to ramble so it’s easy to miss. But here’s what I said:

Take particular note of when I said “he had some form of closure”. This ties in with the rest of my post where my main concern was Marinette still being unknowingly strung along by Adrien, disappointment through disappointment, with no end in sight.

Sure, Chat’s love is unrequited, but at least he knows where he stands. Ladybug considers him her best friend, and he’s fine with that. He said so himself.

He now has the option to move on without regrets. He just doesn’t choose to, because he’s precious like that. That’s the power of simply knowing where you stand. 

Marinette, on the other hand, doesn’t have the same luxury. She’s stuck. She believes there’s a chance Adrien will notice her in that way and so she marches on with her one-sided love. She thinks she’s going up in levels, starting with “friends”. She doesn’t know he has someone else in mind, which is why he can’t see her that way. So, unless she gets an answer, she’ll keep pushing until a breaking point and keep on embarrassing herself in the process.

And as another comparison: Marinette/Ladybug actually saw and appreciated Chat’s romantic gestures for her. And gave him a proper answer.

Meanwhile, Marinette still hasn’t been appreciated for her gestures, the prime example being the scarf she made for Adrien’s birthday. We all know which one I’m talking about.

Marinette deserves to be happy, too. And this is coming from someone whose favorite character is actually Chat Noir. I know you’re worried about the kitty, and so am I! I love this child. But he got his answer, and now Marinette needs hers.

If it all ends in heartbreak, I don’t mind if Luka picks up the pieces. Lukanette can happen and I won’t complain. I just want our baby bug to be happy, y’know??

I’m totally pro-lovesquare ok. I want Ladynoir/Adrienette/Ladrien/Marichat to happen as much as everyone else. Hating on other ships is pointless. Don’t do that. All of these babies deserve to be happy. The lovesquare is endgame anyway, so just enjoy the journey to get there, yeah?

Okie, bye ٩(｡•́‿•̀｡)۶

[meistoshia]

ok so. kalos was bad for satoshi’s mental shit. a,, ramble that i’ve divided into bullet points except they’re meant to be read more like the reader’s one of the poor souls that has me added on discord & foolishly gave me the green light to go off about kalos except i can link to stuff in the text & also i care about formatting sdkfjghsd

i can’t talk about kalos without mentioning unova as that was the setup for kalos, both series - wise & mental - state - going - into - kalos wise.

unova was fine, but iris’ continuous calling satoshi a child for the smallest of things, like being so excited for a battle that he can’t stand still or not understanding or knowing about something that’s common knowledge for most people, was, uh, bad.     real bad.

Iris Stans Pls Don't Come For Me i get that her “such a child” thing was just.     Her Thing.     but it was her thing at satoshi specifically 56 times.     i’ve counted.     it was an upsetting process :pensive:

it did not mix well with satoshi’s rsd & it very much influenced how satoshi chose to act in front of others  ;     as i’ve said before, he is very much conscious of what he does, he makes a deliberate effort in almost everything, even the way he thinks about things, & he very much tweaks these things depending on what kind of feedback they’ve generated.

there’s also the fact that satoshi very much wants other people to treat him like an adult, to see him as an adult  ;     i have a more in-depth post about this here.

hence satoshi is comparatively so much more reserved in kalos than in unova & tries tackling things on his own.

so.     satoshi in kalos.

the first two people who meet him admire him right off the bat, eureka just being an easily impressed kid who thinks he’s cool, citron coming to look up to him within a day of knowing him because of satoshi’s determination & reckless bravery, both joining satoshi for his journey.     serena joins the squad soon after, still admiring satoshi from back in the day at the pokecamp, seeing him again for the first time in years via a news channel broadcasting the gablias incident in miare, so she's already got a set image of him in her mind by the time she catches up to him in hakudan city.

i've said it before, but it bears repeating, kalos was the first region where everyone traveling with satoshi admired him from the get - go, which like, doesn't sound that bad, sounds like a good thing, even, until you realize that means that there was no one arguing with him, no one challenging him, there wasn't anyone to knock him down a peg every now & then.

even in the rivalry department, because satoshi was so experienced & such a good trainer, tierno & trova weren't like. actually rivals, not to mention they didn't show up nearly as often in competitive contexts as other regions' rivals.     so the only “real rivals” satoshi got were shoota & alan, & ok, first off, shoota only got good enough to be a Rival(tm) well into xy/z, like 6 episodes before the league started, which is basically the end of the series, & alan only challenged satoshi twice (2) before the league.

second, both of them held satoshi in nothing but high regard, particularly shoota who'd made satoshi his goal, wanting to beat him & surpass him in part to gain acknowledgment From Satoshi, with alan just being intrigued by satoshi & gekkouga’s bond phenomenon & him wanting to battle satoshi more.

satoshi didn't have rivals in kalos like he had in other regions.     he didn't butt heads with anyone.     he was at the top of his game & it showed, losing like a handful of times in the entire series, two of those losses coming from just passing out from the strain of the bond phenomenon.

& because he was at the top of his game & it showed, he kinda played himself & made everyone have high expectations for his battles, especially serena & citron, who kept cheering him on in ways that sometimes made me just think “wow but no pressure huh”   ( im looking at all the “make sure to win”s & “you'll win, i'm sure of it”s ) .     that combined with gojika's prediction of satoshi & his gekkouga reaching a greatness never seen before   ...   yeah, no pressure at all.

& so you get an environment where satoshi can say shit like “i’m sorry i was unable to meet your expectations” after a loss In The Kalos League Finals   ( the fact that my canon divergence retcons the scenario in which he can say that is irrelevant for this yeet ) , where failing other people’s expectations is a genuine concern for him, when we know full well other people's expectations had never bothered him before.

aside from the obvious outliers of the rocket gang & flare gang, unless i’m forgetting something, everyone in kalos had a positive attitude towards satoshi from the moment they met him, with a good chunk of them coming to admire satoshi, be it as a trainer or a person or both.

& the thing is that the moment satoshi wasn’t acting like his “usual self”, people noticed & thought it was odd, & serena vocalized her disappointment after the eisetsu gym loss, even if she did apologize later, she confirmed satoshi’s fear of “if i fail to do this or be this according to how other people view me, they will be disappointed & i will have failed them”.

& then there’s kanto 2.0, with satoshi traveling on his own, distancing himself from the pressure of expectation in an attempt to heal from the mental strain kalos caused him, even if he’s not exactly aware that’s what he’s doing.     & because he’s not aware that’s what he’s trying to do, he doesn’t go about it in the best way, which is to say he goes about it like does with many of the problems he can’t literally tackle   ---   he travels alone, not accepting travel partners, only every now & then tagging along with people with the same destination in mind.     shocker, that doesn’t actually help his mental state, in fact, it almost worsens because of it.

but then alola pops into the picture, absolutely no one knows who satoshi is, competitive battling isn’t as big of a Thing(tm) on the islands, everyone lives together with pokemon, satoshi never even has to mention pikachu not liking being in its monster ball because it’s just so expected for a pokemon to constantly be walking around with its trainer, there’s just positive energy all around, satoshi can relax & unwind & finally let loose that childish side that he’s been keeping in check since unova, & he gets to be around people without thinking about expectations.

this got kinda. derailed a lil but.     my point is that kalos was bad for satoshi, kanto 2.0 almost made it worse, & alola was a well - deserved vacation.

can you tell i exhausted myself writing this skdjfhgsdf

[tutupaslab]

Airplane ramblings

I am currently on a plane to london, starting a long journey to san francisco for a couple of days...crazy to travel from scotland to sf for just 4 days, but this is what you do to be with family and i know even with the pain of the travel ( and continue with my half marathon training while jet lagged) will be worth it. Lately i have been in a very refective mood, and traveling always makes the feeling pop up more...must be the knowledge of having to fill up some 15+ hours with something more than movie and shows! I am not one to journal often: i used to when i was younger, but i always felt like i was using writing as a way to focus on the negative feelings i was experiencing and decided that was not healthiest way of coping with my feelings, so i decided to stop. That and the fact i often feel like my thoughts run much faster than i can process in words, making it hard to focus on specific words. But every now and then the need to put my thoughts down surfaces, and when it does i truly enjoy putting my thoughts on paper. Or on an ipad,as is the case now. I honeslty wish i did have some paper, typing on an iPad isn't the most comfortable. I have been practicing proper typing techniques lately and my fingers are itching to use them, but the ipad keyboard is a bit awkward for that. But i am getting lost in my thoughts and losing track of what i wanted to say. See what i mean when i say my thoughts go faster that i can process? (Cue reflective song to help concentrate) Lately i have been doing a lot of thinking: sometimes i wonder if this is an effect of working towards a PhD: we a constantly troubleshooting experimental problems and trying to figure out what the results of the experiments mean, i feel like i am applying the same mentality to my life; constantly troubleshooting why i feel a certain  way and trying to figure out the best way to "be" (akin to finding the best protocol for an experiment) coupled with my infj personality that makes for a lot of thinking and assessing my feelings. Some time ago I was at a symposium with my group and our boss was telling us about how having an ego can be particularly damaging in science, it interferes with being open to criticism and feedback. He told us about this book "the book of joy" and how he found it particularly nice and helpful to realize how important it is to let go of ones ego. We then went on to talk about what we what to achieve in life, a mantra of sorts of your whole life. I hadn't really thought about having one to be honest, but what sprung to mind at the moment was "growth". In this last year I have to realize that if there is one thing I want to achieve in my life is to always strive for becoming the best version of myself. Which is, without a doubt, a very good objective to have, although I am still unsure if it stems from a positive desire to be a better person or from my perfectionist personality, so a desire to be the best person. They might seem like similar things, but only one of them comes with a healthy attitude. At this moment, I can only try to focus on shifting it from the latter to the former...Already a sign of growth, amiright? Progress people!! So yeah, growth. And I mean it in every aspect of my life, from work to love. I recently learned that growth, not happiness, is the objective of even the simplest thing, personal relationships...life is tough! I have been struggling quite a bit lately with trying to grow and overcome my fears and preconceptions. I don't think I was prepared for how much doing a PhD would influence my life and my mentality. I approached it from a purely scientific, experimental point of view, and didn't realize how much it would influence my whole life. Sure I knew it would be tough and take a lot from me, but you never really know until you go through it right? So what have I been struggling with? A lot of things: impostor syndrome, comparison, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, body image, not being enough...you name it! And I probably haven't been dealing with all of it in the best way: instead of dealing with the issues, I keep giving myself more work to do, taking on things I might not have time for, running loads, taking up climbing, probably in the hopes of getting a feeling of accomplishment from something that might validate who I am and make me feel worth something. Undoubtedly, this as not happened, as I cannot feel accomplished unless I am mentally open to acknowledging my success as so =D. Don't get me wrong, I am using big words and describing loads of issues: while they are present they aren't overpowering or crushing, I am generally a happy person. They are simply there in the background, and simply causing me to question my attitude towards life. Not sure if I am still making sense, this is turning more and more into a ramble and less of a structured, thought out piece. I mentioned perfectionism before: I am 100% positive that the need to be perfect is at the basis of all my issues. Have known so for a while. I see my lab mates and compare myself to them, to what they can achieve and I want to beat them. I am competitive, and yes that is a good quality to have, but not if it comes at the expense of your self confidence. My need to be perfect makes it so that I compare myself to other runners on social media: why can't I run as fast as that one girl? No matter that I have no clue as to what she is doing during her days, how many hours she works...why can't I find a way to fit yoga in my days more?...while still being able to cook proper meals and keep my kitchen/ apartment in a decent state? I have recently picked up climbing with some friends: I had tried it once before, both my sisters were loving it, so I tagged along. I wasn't in the right mindset, and i did not enjoy it at the time. See, I have this terrible attitude of not starting something unless I know I can be good  at it. I sucked the first time I went climbing, and, like the fox with the grapes he couldn't reach, I decided I didn't like climbing and "it's not what I want anyways". I think I have made some progress since then, and have realized the only way of getting good at something is to (surprise, surprise) practice, practice, practice. I am still working on that's, I tend to avoid routes I can't do and quit quickly, but my climbing "mentor" keeps an eye on me and challenges me to try again until I manage. Thank you Richard =). I think climbing will be good for teaching me it's ok to fall down and fail, but keep on trying and soon you will find a way to get to the top, maybe an easier path than you had initially tried. And more troubleshooting practice to help for my PhD brain. And it gives you killer muscles and strength, so win-win =). I mentioned impostor syndrome as one of the things I feel: it's a very common feeling in academia, not sure if it people in other work environments know it/ describe it: in short, it's the feeling of being a fraud, having gotten to where you are by pure luck and, one day, the people around you will figure out you are not as good as they thought you were and you don't deserve the status you have. Hello, my name is Giulia and I definitely have impostor syndrome. When I first joined my lab,it was just me, another PhD student a couple of months ahead of me and our boss. The lab had just started out less than a year before, and my boss was heavily depending on my colleague and me for research. I soon became, in a way, indispensable: my project was the main one in the lab, the one that would most likely produce papers and get my boss the funding/ tenure he needed. I am not going to lie, I loved it. I loved being the one to have long brainstorming sessions with my boss, getting project after project, helping build the base of the research in the lab. I had a purpose and no one else could fill it at that time. Flash forward some time, the lab gets funded and more people join the lab. A technician I had trained from zero, a new PhD student, and a post doc. For some time I was still the invaluable asset. I was the one they would all go to for questions about techniques, the field etc because I had the answers, but soon a team of one for the projects became a team of three. My projects were broken up and divided and whist I maintained the 2-3 I was most involved in/ wanted to keep, the rest was given to others to continue with. In hindsight, it couldn't have gone any other way: I am but one person with three years of funding for my PhD, I cannot do everything in the time that my boss needs. But still, I lost the feeling of being invaluable for the lab, I started to feel like I wasn't good enough anymore and soon my boss would realize there was better out there, that out post doc was clearly better and smarter than me and maybe I didn't even deserve the really important project I had. The craziest thing: we are going to a conference in June, it's in the UK and we can reach it by train, so it's going to be quite cheap for us. The university recently opened up applications for funding for travel to conferences if you are going to present a poster or talk (which I am) and my supervisor suggested I apply for it. What was the first thing that popped into my head when I read his email? He suggested I apply because he doesn't think I deserve to go and would rather not waste the 200- something pounds on me attending. I kid you not. I immediately caught the thought and reminded myself that was crazy talk, but still the thought is there in the back of my mind. I recently realized what is probably the worst way of thinking I have: I compare myself, my achievements to people with much more experience than me. Being a scientist in academia requires a lot of different skills that might not be immediately apparent. Sure, you need to be technically good and you need to be able to think and process results past an recent to figure out the answers to your questions, but there is so much more to it. You need to be able to communicate your science, to both other scientists and the general population, you need to do so in an engaging manner, capture their attention and make them think that what you do it important. You need to be able to justify why you should be funded for such research, and be able to come up with the right ways to ask the questions you want to ask. And, most of all, you need to be able to identify which are the right questions to ask. And people don't realize this, but you also need to be good at networking and managing people, because after all your lab is made up of people and the team can only work if every part does. So a lot of skills are needed, and some of them you end up learning as you go along. No one expects a PhD student to be able to properly manage a team of people or even one student and their project whilst dealing with their own project, no one expect a PhD student to be able to write a grant application flawlessly with no practice. So why do I expect all of these things from myself? I keep comparing myself to my boss, a really bright scientist who has 10 extra years of experience of being a scientist, and this comparison, which I can never "win", can only damage me. I can never achieve what I expect from myself, and I end up paralyzed with fear for my future. I am also a very different person from my boss. I can use him as inspiration, I definitely should, but I cannot use him as an objective of what I should be because we are completely different people, with different backgrounds and strengths and weaknesses. I think I am at a cross road: everyday I learn something new about myself and I think I am truly starting to understand who I am and what are my strengths and weaknesses, but I still need to learn how to apply what I know to my day to day life. That is the hardest part though, right? What I can say so far: I vow to be as gentle with myself as possible, to take care of myself (when was the last time I had a face mask?!) and to always remember that progress is not a straight line, but a series of hills and valley that ultimately lead to the mountain. To take each day as it comes, not to focus about what I should be learning, bur focus on what doing (and thus actually learn) and, learn to listen to bugs bunny, and to "mot take life too seriously".