#okay enough venting

[kujokomi]

talked to them a few days ago and it felt like we were just strangers awkwardly interacting. that made me sad

[papyrus-codice]

Musings of my troubled mind

I remember most of my high-school years as me moping around. I rarely smiled, I hardly laughed, and overtime, I started to notice how behavior like that eventually repels people. It's only natural, who wants to spend time with someone who bleeds sadness, every day? Given, whatever I was feeling was normal, and far from depression. I understand that now, and all I have is regret to comfort me. 

I never dealt with my insecurities properly, I just locked them away. That's how I've learned to deal with my problems -dig them up, and hope my careless treading doesn't resurface them. I would mope about loneliness mostly, and ironically enough, my daily brooding fed it. I, almost forcibly, turned myself into an introvert, not that there's anything wrong with that. I would attach myself to my Xbox, my computer, or my iPod, and indulge. I didn't spend much time with little friends I had through those years. Come Senior year, I looked back and re-evaluated those years. I was disgusted with myself, and I lost all pity for my lost soul. 

That year I forced myself out of my self-imposed solitude, and it was fantastic. My social life still existed outside of those invisible walls! But so did my insecurities. It took time, but they did circle around, and their fluctuations grow more harsh with every passing year. 

I don't feel normal. Whatever normal is. I feel out of place here, on this planet. How original? A lonely young-adult. Cry me a river, Amaurys. That's how I deal with things now, I belittle myself. Every time I feel anything.

Recently, a woman I know professionally caught my attention. The feelings were minor, but her (what I presumed to be) flirtatious behavior was anything but. Much to my dismay, when I reciprocated her advances, she turned me down. It was always subtle, but enough to get her message across. (ex: calling me her 'little brother') However, she would continue to flirt. Her hugs were too long, and intimate, her winks were too frequent, and she would hold my hand on too many occasions. Perhaps she is just ultra-friendly, and I'm looking for things where they won't grow.