#okay well one of them has 2.5 pages written but it's in the middle and i need to somehow GET to that scene

[meta-squash]

the most frustrating stage of fic writing is when you have an idea but the idea is 95% vibes rather than actual plot

[duckprintspress]

How can I write quickly?

I (hi, I’m @unforth) have been asked frequently over the years how I write a lot quickly. I’m a pretty fast writer - for example, I wrote the 5600 words of my May Trope Mayhem fill from yesterday in under 2.5 hours. 

First, a little of my personal history for context. I’ve always written, starting from when I was able to string letters into (very poorly spelled) words and (horrible un-grammatical) sentences. When I started trying my hand at serious, professional-level fiction writing, I joined a community called novel_in_90, which was founded by the author Elizabeth Bear. The purpose of novel_in_90 was “to be NaNoWriMo but more realistic.” Instead of 50,000 words in 31 days, it was 67,500 words in 90 days, or 750 words a day. I participated in multiple rounds of novel_in_90 starting in mid-2005, and in 2007 I completed my first (godawful) novel. When I started, even writing a couple hundred words of day took me forever, but it got easier with time. 

During those same years, I also got a job that required I do professional writing on a deadline: I was a grant writer, and I only got paid when the grants won. That often meant working fast under high pressure, culminating in the weekend I wrote and edited an entire 40 pages grant that was due on Monday. I think, if I hadn’t had a solid foundation of “regular daily plodding writing,” I’d not have been able to marathon when the moment came...and it came because I had to, not because I wanted to. However, I learned a valuable lesson: I could. Subsequently, I found that, when I had the time and space and was rested enough to use my brain, I could bust out a huge amount. Like, I wrote an entire 150,000 word novel in 17 days.

My personal record is about 200,000 words in one month (it was the month I wrote that novel; I wasn’t tracking when I did that so I don’t know exactly), 25,000 words in a day, and I’ve topped out around 3,000 words an hour. I do know people who can do more...but not many.

Not everyone will be able to do this. Flat out, I MUST preface the rest of this post by saying that. Some people will find that writing fast fits their brain, and for others, it just won’t, and that’s okay. Fast doesn’t equal better, and it isn’t inherently “good” to write fast. Furthermore, even for those who can write fast, not everyone will find the same strategies helpful. I can share what works for me. Try out one item, some items, or all of these - if writing faster is something you want to be able to do, which it certainly never has to be. Use what works for you, and discard the rest.

Sit in your chair, put your fingers on your keyboard or touch screen, and write. You can’t write 1,000 words in half an hour until you write one word, however long that one word takes. I know saying this is obvious, but I’ve been asked “how can I write fast” by people who struggle to write at all...fast can’t be your priority until you’ve got a foundation of just writing. (Honestly...fast should never be your priority, but it might be helpful to you regardless, which can make it worth learning.)

Start small. Set an achievable goal, and make yourself meet that goal (daily, weekly, whatever) come hell or high water, no matter how long it takes you. Keep the goal small at first; you’re not trying to torture yourself, you’re trying to build a skill. If you set the goal high enough that you consistently fail, you’re not teaching yourself anything. And, if you find the goal IS too high...lower it. There’s no shame in working within your limits. Think of it like starting a new work out regimen: you wouldn’t try to run a 10k at a record time if you can’t run a mile slow. Treat your fingers and your brain the same way you’d treat your legs and joints. Give them time to grow, learn, and improve before you try to push yourself.

Trying to write daily is worthwhile if you want to work on your writing speed, because you’ll be forced to try to fit it in as you’re able - that might be ten minutes in your morning, or an hour in your evening, and it might vary from day to day, but making it daily means you have to fit it in somewhere.

Building skills takes time and isn’t easy. For some people, it will come easier than for others, and even when you’re fast, going from “I can write words fast” to “I can write damn good words fast” takes practice and dedication and accepting constructive criticism - speed alone will never be worth more than writing well.

Having a community can help. Ya’ll will check in on each other, cheer each other on, remind each other that missing a day or a goal isn’t the end of the world, and keep each other’s spirits up. If you don’t know other writerly folks online, I recommend Weekend Writing Marathon ( @weekendwritingmarathon ) as a good place to start (I used to be a mod there). Once you’re trying to work up to larger word counts in a day, remember that even writing fast will take minutes or hours. You can’t write 2,500 words in an hour if you don’t set an hour aside. Make sure you’re giving yourself the room and time you need to succeed.

You will probably never be able to do high, rapid word counts every day, every week, every month. The best runners in the world don’t run marathons every day. Set realistic long term goals.

Work on projects where you have a clear idea of where you’re going. I’m not saying “pantsers” can’t write fast, because of course they can, but if you want to write fast, and well, and coherently, to create a first draft that’s in pretty good shape, you’ll do better if you have a good sense of what you’re trying to accomplish with your story. That doesn’t mean you need to do all your world building up front, or have a complete outline (I never have either). All you really need is what happens next. I tend to plan projects - and write them - one full scene at a time, with only a vague idea what’s going to come after. (I’m personally a “plantser,” and the strategies in this post will likely be most effective to other plantsers.)

Visualize ahead of time what you’d like to write...but don’t get too attached to what you visualize. When I go to bed, I plan the next scene I’m going to compose, often to the least detail. I then forget all of it overnight, at least all the specifics, and I’m left with a general sense and shape of what’s to come. You’ll never be able to replicate the “perfect” dialog you pre-conceive, so give up on trying to. Instead, play through the scene and think about the emotional beats you want to hit and plot points you want to forward. If you keep that in mind, you’ll be able to get the words out faster than if you’re agonizing over every word or regretting the “oh-so-great” idea that you’ve since forgotten. 

Practice different work styles. If writing every day doesn’t work for you, try instead saying, “this is my writing day each week,” and aim for a lot that specific day, and write little or nothing other days. Try writing at different times of day and on different days, fitting it into your schedule. If you’re beating yourself up for not writing when you “should,” it’ll be that much harder to succeed, so instead, as I said for point 2 - set a reasonable goal that fits your life and working style, fitting it around your other responsibilities, and push yourself within that framework, instead of trying to shoehorn into a style that you “think you should” use to succeed. 

Track your word counts, and take notes on how much you did and what project you were working on. If you’re also experimenting with different times of day and different days, make sure you note that too. I personally use a simple Excel sheet (well, Google Sheets, now) - column one is the date, column 2 is “starting word count,” column 3 is “ending word count,” column 4 is “=column 3 - column 2”, column 5 is notes. Pay attention to when you succeed at writing faster, and when you don’t, and consider what factors might have played into your success...and then try to replicate those factors next time you’re doing a sprint. Control as many variables as you can while you’re “training.”

If you find social media distracting, trying getting a web browser extension that prevents you from connecting to websites for a set period of time.

If you find you tend to dither before starting, I find it helpful to run through everything that I might do to procrastinate (check my social media! grab a snack! make some tea! set up my playlist! check my social media again! finish making the tea! check my social media for what I swear will be the last time!), and when I’m done, it’s like, well, I’ve done all those things, I’ve got no choice left, time to write, no excuses left.

If you find you struggle with picking up a WIP, try leaving off in the middle of a sentence at the end of a session, one where you know exactly how it ends - or, leave off mid-paragraph, or when you are positive you know what happens next (and I mean literally next, as in the very next sentence.) It’s much easier to “pick back up” when your first words are super clear. (Do not do this if you think there’s any chance you’ll forget or end up in a situation where you won’t return to your WIP for months!) 

If you find you struggle to maintain continuity across multiple writing sessions, try rereading what you wrote the previous day before you proceed. Resist the urge to edit it!

Avoid stopping when you get stuck, even to do research. Don’t know a fact? Add a comment to your manuscript flagging the relevant text, “LOOK THIS UP LATER.” Can’t think of a word? Put in something you can use the “find” function on easily (I personally use “XX” since there are no words that have a double x in them) and so you can come back later, search for your chosen placeholder, and fill in the blanks. Not sure how a scene ends but know the next scene? Jump ahead.

That said, if you really don’t know what happens next, you don’t do yourself any favors by pressing on. As I’ve said previously, speed alone should never be your writing object. It’s better to slow down, consider your plot, figure out where you’re going, and then write, than to just plow ahead - or at least, that’s better if you want a manuscript you’ll actually be able to use for something at a later point. If you’re truly just practicing, you can also say “screw it, who needs coherence?” and keep going. I’d personally never have finished my first novel if I’d spent a lot of time worrying about making the pieces fit together and yeah, it’s a mess, but it’s a mess I wrote instead of a mess I got stuck on and never completed.

Don’t move the finish line. If you’ve set the goal of 500 words a day, don’t beat yourself up if you get 550 because you think you think you could have done more. If you say you’ll write five days a week, don’t get mad because you DID have time the sixth day but chose to use it on something else. If you make yourself feel like shit when you succeed, what’ll happen when you fail? And when you’re comfortable and really think you’re ready, change the goal - reassess every month, say, and up your goals. While working for speed, trying upping your word count goal without changing the amount of time you allot for working.

Your need to adhere to the above suggestions will change over time. Once, I always had an outline; now I often don’t need one. Once, I wouldn’t let myself stop even to use a thesaurus; now, I find I can look up words without breaking my flow or significantly slowing myself down. This is not an “all or nothing” prospect, nor is it a “do things the same way forever once you’ve found one (1) thing that works” prospect - you’ll experiment, and find strategies that work for you, and then at some point, your needs will change, and you’ll experiment more, and find new strategies that work for you, on and on, as your skills grow. 

To reiterate: writing fast should never be your objective in and of itself! Greater writing speed will come with practice and as a general side effect of improving your craft. Simply being able to write fast is useless; being able to write fast and well will enable you to get more of your ideas out there, so if that’s something you’d like to accomplish, focus on building your general skills and training yourself to be able to use those skills rapidly and in tandem with each other to produce decent writing, in a first draft, at a decent speed.

Once you try, you may find none of this works for you! That’s okay. That’s good! You tried, which means you learned something about yourself and your own writing style, and that too will help you to improve. Keep experimenting, keep learning, and find what does work for you - and accept that no two writers will ever be the same, and one of those differences will be writing speed. Some writers will never write fast, and that’s doesn’t make them any less awesome or valid. And some writers will always write fast, and that doesn’t make them inherently awesome or valid. Only with a suite of skills that suit your individual life, personality, work style, writing capabilities, goals, etc., will you succeed as a writer (for various, personalized definitions of the word “success”); speed is only one of those potential skills, and not one that’s particularly important in my opinion...yet I still get asked about it fairly often, so here we are, these are my suggestions

Go forth, and write some words! <3

[feuilly-cakes]

The Maze Runner (series) - review

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one. My thoughts on the series as a whole is that it’s an alright one, and you’ll soon see why the praise isn’t higher there. I’ll go book by book with my thoughts on each, so you can know exactly the way my feelings progressed to this point.

Book 1: The Maze Runner - 5*

I gave this book a 5 star rating, but honestly it's been nearly 2 months since then and I'm still not sure on that rating. Ideally, 5 stars for me means I got so attached to the characters I cried or had some other emotion, but that didn't happen here. Instead, I got a fantastic plot with a ton of mystery and a lot of terror, all with amazing writing but uninteresting characters. I won't say they are flat characters, because they aren't, but I didn't really feel a connection with them. There is only so much you can relate to a character who has no history.

Thomas is obviously the main character and so we see everything from his perspective, and we do see his emotions, his personality, his struggle. He spends a good portion of the book confused, angry, sad, frustrated. He's not a flat, boring character by any means, but for some reason I just didn't feel that connection I usually do with main characters. Maybe it's a side effect of the third person limited narration, or maybe he just isn't a character I can relate to, but I wasn't really interested emotionally in his character. I didn't need to be really, because the plot more than made up for it.

When it comes to the plot, I found no faults. It was fast paced and had me asking questions the whole way through, and most of them even got answered. Most of the questions pertained to how the Maze worked; How was it so high up that the box rose for half an hour? What was really around The Cliff and how were they seeing stars below them? How did the walls move? Was it actually indoors or not and how would that even work anyway? I love when I’m constantly asking questions and coming up with theories while reading, and this book was one huge question mark. Just the memories plot alone had me on the edge of my seat, and I wanted to know more.

If you only read books for the characters and their personal arcs, this might be a bit weak on that for you. If you love a good mystery mixed in with a bit of horror and sci-fi elements, plus a dash of dystopia (which I’m sure will become a big dollop in the next book) then this is absolutely the best thing to read. It’s definitely a 5 star quality, just in my personal opinion not a 5 star emotion.

Book 2: The Scorch Trials - 3*

Honestly, this was not anywhere near as enjoyable as the first book. Technically speaking it was a well written book, but personally I didn’t find it great, simply okay - average. Enjoyable to an extent but irritating to a certain degree. I kept reading because I expected something to be answered but all I got was confused. After watching all the films and powering through the first book I genuinely expected so much more from this and I was let down.

It’s darker and more gory than the first book, with some shocking scenes that kept me going. I did appreciate all the dream flashbacks from Thomas that helped put together what exactly he had to do with the Maze. Outside of these dreams I just didn’t know what was going on half the time and I felt frustrated by it all. His backstory was legit the only reason I was interested at all. I didn’t really care where they were going or their journey, l just wanted to know about his missing memories.

I understand this one was to set up the world a bit more and go into character development, but this was the most mediocre of middle book syndrome books. I can honestly say here I preferred the film.

Book 3: The Death Cure - 4*

Oh boy with this one. I have a very immediate reaction with lots of spoilers here on my goodreads if anyone wants to see that, but I'll summarise with the good spoilery bits cut out.

Well, my brain hurts.

This book honestly started out kinda meh, with some interesting tidbits thrown in. Then it got less meh, but more disturbing. Whether all of it was really that bad or whether it was bad because of the real world parallels right now I do not know, but I got a little bit messed up by everything that happened in Denver. The worldbuilding became more relevant here, we learn more about the Flare, the way people are living alongside it and/or with it, and the way Cranks are really treated. We get to find out about The Purge too, which I'll leave as a lovely surprise for those of you who haven't yet read, but what happened and my loud opinions are through that goodreads link if you want entertainment.

And on that note, let's talk Teresa. Full disclosure, I went into this trilogy already loving the films, and I still stand by that love. The treatment of Teresa in those films, however, was abysmal, and to read her actual character arc, well, I was enraged. Her arc in these books is fantastic, and the way she grows and realises the consequences of her actions is actually realistic, especially after all the trauma of the trials. We barely even see her and yet we see most of her character arc in this book. Simply getting her memories back wouldn't make her forget all the horror and go back to Wicked, and the way it was all handled was super satisfying. It does all make me wonder if perhaps she knew about the Brain thing, though. I won't know until I read that prequel story so until then I'll just have to speculate [currently reading that, still don't know]. On a similar note the Chancellor Page storyline was bizarrely different, and I had a shock when we get to interact (?) with her in the capacity we did.

Chapter 56 can choke. I knew it was coming okay, yet it still made me feel like I was punched in the chest. Especially after the previous scenes where we see things happen with a certain character in a scary way.

I can't talk about the Brain thing. It's disturbing to think about and I will be repressing the memory of that whole section of the book as soon as I can. It also kicks off a series of horrifying imagery and tragic events that hurt my emotions. All I can really say is that it's a strong ending to a trilogy, and if you're here you probably got past the travesty that was The Scorch Trials so this book will be a breeze compared to that, just be wary of the medical horror and the horror in general, since it's pretty graphic.

You may notice I haven't discussed Thomas, and that is because I'm too messed up by the Brain thing. The medical horror plus his reaction to the knowledge of what was about to happen knocked me flat emotionally and I may never get past that in terms of these books. No one has ever mentioned the Brain thing in any fan space I've been in, and that's for a good reason. Just know Thomas grew on me slowly just in time to cause me great distress. That is all.

Book 4: The Kill Order - 4*

I kind of loved this book, but as a friend. It basically shows the story of the Flare virus' bad beginnings in the world, with flashbacks to the solar flares that caused all the initial devastation. It was one hell of a page turner. It read like it was just meant to be a film, if you know what I mean. It does stand alone if you don’t read the prologue.

I honestly wasn’t expecting to get quite so many tidbits of information about the actual Flares event itself; to be honest I was expecting this to be a typical zombie kind of story that starts after the beginning and ends before the end, but it actually starts at ground zero on day 1 of the Flare (outside of the control group that is). I thought it was horrifying and fascinating to see how quickly it mutates and the effects changes, and also how the characters react knowing that they’ve probably been exposed to it from the beginning. Seeing the inside of the mind of one the earliest Cranks as they become infected was amazingly interesting after seeing how Newt acted in the Death Cure when he got sick.

The flashbacks to the Solar Flares and its aftermath were just terrifying. The imagery was horrifying and the whole concept of sun flares and then massive floods of boiling hot water put me right on edge even though obviously they were alive at the start of the book. Something that massively surprised me as I read was that the Flare virus had only been around for 13 years before the start of The Maze Runner, and it only took the government 1 year after the solar flares to decide to kill off part of the population. No other dystopian I’ve read can top that level of evilness from governmental systems.

Aside from the horror aspect, I was also mightily confused and a bit amused-but-also-horrified at the cult. If you’ve read it you know. If you haven’t yet then you’ve got a storm coming let me tell you. Although we see in Death Cure that Cranks form mobs with a common purpose and of course they they lose their minds, I wasn’t at all expecting to see an actual cult just casually thrown in. It just adds to the madness of the story and actually fit right in among the other craziness of what went down.

My one question is: is DeeDee Teresa? (She was! It was implied in the next book.)

The reason I didn't rate this higher despite my enjoyment was that it just isn't a book I would reread. It's like an action film or horror film that you really enjoyed and appreciated but won't stick around for too long.

Book 5: The Fever Code: 3* on Goodreads, 2.5* in my heart

This one was a slog to get through. It goes over Thomas' life in Wicked, from the first few days to the day he goes into the maze. I didn't like it very much at all. My biggest problem was the torture of a 4 year old only a few pages in. It ruined the rest of the book for me. My second biggest problem is that we never learn Newt’s name. The betrayal of it all is astounding.

I’ve got to be honest, I was only pushing myself to read this because I wanted to know about the purge. It doesn’t happen until pretty late in the book and nearly everything before that is terribly boring. Everything after that happens pretty quickly.

I appreciated that we get added context to some things that happened in the main trilogy, however, some things that happen take away from the story in a bad way. Dr Paige is one example of this, where in the main trilogy she only appears in a positive context to save Thomas and the other immune, while in this she does some truly evil things behind the scenes unrelated to the context of the trials (or so she tells Thomas. We don’t know how much of that was truth and how much was intended as a Variable but either way it contradicts what we know of her in the Death Cure). The huge reveal at the ending regarding Teresa is also out of nowhere and seems contradictory to the main books. How much of her actions were planned and how much were real? Why would she lead the gladers to escape if she was as this book said she was? Was it a change of mind or was this particular aspect a retcon that wasn’t intended with the original books?

This one felt like an unnecessary addition to the series and I’m disappointed by how it turned out. I expected more and got less. If it hadn’t picked up in the last 150 pages this would’ve been a 2* simply for the disappointment that equalled that of The Scorch Trials. This may be a bit harsh but I do believe the books should have ended after The Kill Order, and the rest be left to the imagination.

To end on a semi-positive note: it turns out The Brain Thing was actually mentioned to them, but it's unclear if Teresa picked up on it, as we know Thomas didn't. It all came out at a very inopportune time while they were killing a crank who knew about it. The Brain Thing isn't positive at all, but I was very excited to learn if they had any inkling and that was sort of answered!

[twistedrunes]

Melting Hearts - Tommy x Alfie

Prompt: (anon)  Hi! I found this prompt on your side-blog and was wondering if you'd write an Alife/Tommy hc about it? The prompt was: "What’s the one thing their special someone does that makes their heart melt?" I love your writing and your blog!

A/N: This was surprisingly tough - mostly because it was so hard to pick one thing. There are so many things! So I decided instead to write a little drabble for each of them about the one time the other did something that just left them with no doubt of the others love.  Also much, much love to @bluerighthand for their help with the Hebrew :)

Warnings: Fluff, just a lot of fluff. Oh and some sad Finn for 2.5 seconds. One swear

Alfie

pic credit @aranoburns

Alfie comes home from synagogue one Saturday morning to find Tommy slumped at the kitchen table, head resting on a pad of paper, pen still between his fingers. After a moments panic, he realises Tommy’s asleep. As Alfie relaxes he notices the books and papers spread out around Tommy. There’s a stack of papers written in Tommy’s familiar hand, books open and marked with scraps of paper. It looked just like Tommy was studying for exams.

“You’re home,” Tommy says sitting up with a yawn.

“What wonderful powers of observation you have my love.” Alfie chuckles, ducking down and taking Tommy’s chin in his hand and tilting it back so he can give him a kiss. As they pull apart Alfie’s eyes skim the tabletop. “And what scheme are you cooking up here?”

“Oh, nothing,” Tommy says quickly his cheeks flushing and he hurriedly begins packing up.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Alfie says noticing some of the headings on the stack of papers to his right FOOD, HOLIDAYS.  He closes one of the books to look at the title A History of Judaism. Alfie’s holds up the book for Tommy to see. “You’ve been reading about Judaism?”

Tommy nods once, “A bit, Ollie’s been teaching me about how to make things Kosher, holiday’s, things like that and a Rabbi in Birmingham has been teaching me a little bit of Hebrew.”

“Why?”

Tommy stops, putting down the books and pages he’d been holding. A soft smile on his lips and in his eyes. “Because it’s part of who you are.”

Alfie, for once, is at a loss for words. His eyes fall to the pad of paper Tommy had been using as a pillow, the same words repeated over and over. The same Hebrew words. Alfie’s fingers trace over the lettering.

“Do you know what this says?” Alfie asks, his fingers tenderly stroking the repeated words.

“I hope so, been practising for a month,” Tommy says quietly. “Aní ohév otcha, I love you.” His fingers take hold of Alfie’s lapels and he pulls him closer for a kiss. “Was it okay?” Tommy asks as he breaks the kiss.  

Alfie clears his throat, “Its fuckin’ perfect.” His hands rise to Tommy’s cheeks. “Ani gam ohev otcha” Alfie hums “I love you, too.”

*note: Yes, Alfie did bail up Arthur and John and demand they teach him some Romani too.

Tommy

pic credit @aranoburns

Tommy stands in the doorway of the kitchen watching Alfie chop vegetables and hums to himself, he loves this, the calmness of it all. He feels the last twelve hours melt away.

Alfie tosses a carrot top to Cyril “Now we have a deal right? I give you tasty treats and you don’t tell Tommy I’m feeding you in the kitchen. Right? Seems fuckin’ fair don’ it?”

“Well, you do know I can talk to dogs,” Tommy says, scratching the top of Cyril’s head as he crosses the room, he wraps his arms around Alfie’s middle and kisses his cheek.

Alfie’s eyes close for a moment before he turns to face Tommy and Cyril. “Traitor,” he says to Cyril before wrapping his arms around Tommy’s waist kneading Tommy’s ass. He lifts Tommy onto the countertop and stands between his legs. He buries his face into Tommy’s neck and kisses it. “Good trip?” he asks before pressing his lips to Tommy’s.

“Mm,” Tommy hums into the kiss. “Missed you.” He sighs against Alfie’s lips.

“Missed you too, love,” Alfie says rubbing his nose against Tommy’s as he leans in for another kiss. “Dinner will be a little while, was a bit late getting started, so why don’t you go get changed into something more comfortable. Also, Finn rang earlier, wants you to call him.” Alfie says stepping back to give Tommy space.  

“What’s happened?” Tommy asks as he slides off the counter.

“Had a bit of a rough day at school,” Alfie says returning to his carrots.

It’s cool in the office, the fire has died down since Alfie finished work for the day. Tommy’s glad he decided on undershirt, pants and a big jumper, rather than just the jumper which he knows Alfie would have preferred much more. He settles in Alfie’s chair and dials the number.

“Hello?” Finn answers.

“’Ello Finn. It’s Tommy. Alfie says you wanted me to call. Is everything alright?”

“It’s alright now. Alfie helped me work it out.”

“Did he now? You want to tell me about it too?”

“It was just Mr Hampton,” Finn says flatly

Tommy clicks his tongue in displeasure, Mr Hampton had taught and hated every single Shelby child. “What happened?”

“We had to write a story, and I worked really hard and drew pictures and everything.” Finn goes quiet for a moment and Tommy has an overwhelming urge to drive down to Birmingham and cut Mr Hampton. Finn loved making up stories, he did it all the time and he was good at it.

“He didn’t like it?” Tommy prompts already knowing the answer.

“No,” Finn sniffs. “He said it was stupid, and only books for babies have pictures, and the other kids all laughed. He said I was the stupidest Shelby ever.” Tommy pinches the bridge of his nose. “But Alfie liked it,” Finn says sounding much brighter.

“Did he?”

“Yeah, he asked me to read it to him. Did you know he’s read over one thousand books?” Finn’s voice is hushed in awe.

“No, I didn’t know that, wouldn’t surprise me though, he’s always reading.”

“Mmhmm, he said he can tell if a book is shit. So I read it to him and he said he loved it. Better than most of the books he’s paid for he said.”

Tommy smiles a warmth in his chest spreading through his body. “Do you want to read the story to me too?”

“Um, not now. Polly says dinner is ready. Alfie wants me to read it to him again next time you’re here so he can see the pictures, you can listen then too.” Finn explains quickly.

“Sounds like a good plan. You be a good boy ‘ey, and I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Yeah, I’ll try to be good. Night Tommy.”

“Night Finn.”

“Wait!” Finn cries through the phone.

“Yes?”

“Can you ask Alfie if Cyril can come to visit too? So I can make sure I’ve drawn him right.”

“I’ll ask him.”

“Thanks! Bye Tommy.”

“Night Finn.”

 Tommy doesn’t pause in the doorway this time, instead, crossing the kitchen quickly and throwing his arms around Alfie’s middle and kissing his neck.

Alfie chuckles “Seems you did miss me, dinner can sit in the oven for a bit if you like?” He offers, turning away from the dishes.

“How long did you talk to Finn for?”

“Hmm, not sure, an hour maybe. Just until Pol got home so he wasn’t by himself. We might need to talk to her about this teacher, yeah? How is he now? ” Alfie asks.

“He’s fine. You listened to his story for an hour?”

“Fuckin’ right, bloody brilliant it is. Cyril the bakery dog and his adventures!” Alfie says beaming.

“Why?”

“Because he rang and you weren’t here and no-one was home. Because he’s an eleven-year-old boy who needed someone to listen and care. Because,” Alfie kisses the tip of Tommy’s nose, “maybe if someone had of listened to eleven years old you, you might not be quiet so determined to get yourself killed at every opportunity and might realise just how wonderful you are right? He’s family.”

Tommy squeezes Alfie tighter before wrapping his arms around Alfie’s neck. “I fucking love you.”

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[dillydedalus]

what i read in february

check to find out if i defeated my nemesis thomas mann by reading the magic mountain or surrendered to his absolute rule over my unread books shelf

milkman, anna burns this is deeply divisive on the bookish internet apparently with fights over a) whether it’s brilliant or garbage, b) whether it’s difficult, c) whether literary difficulty is a moral issue (with both renouncers-of-milkman and defenders-of-milkman variously taking either side). here’s my lukewarm take: a) it’s good, b) it’s not that difficult but can be frustrating to read, c) it’s not a moral issue, like, obvi. anyway, y’all probably know what this is about (girl in belfast during the troubles finds herself stalked by dangerous paramilitary, gossip & violence abound). i found the decision not to use proper names, either for the characters (narrator is middle sister, other characters are ‘maybe-boyfriend’, ‘wee sisters’, ‘third brother-in-law’, etc) or the setting really interesting - it added both to the conversational feel, the paranoia in the community and the universality of themes like civil violence, paranoia, mistrust, sexual harrassment, pressure to conform etc. 4/5

paradise, a.l. kennedy (uni) idk man this is well-written and especially the writing about drunkenness & the depth of hannah’s addiction & misery (and joy, which kennedy does not avoid) is vivid, but i’m still p meh on it, and it was definitely too long for what it was doing. i’ll add more after the class where we’ll discuss it (update: the class was unfortunately a mess so I’m still ehhh about it) 2.5/5

die verängstigten, dima wannous (tr. from arabic) an english translation, the frightened ones, is coming out some time this year i think. this story is told thru two narratives, one by sulaima, a syrian woman with anxiety living in damascus, whose brother has been disappeared by the regime and whose lover nassim has fled the country, and one thru chapters of the unfinished novel nassim leaves behind for sulaima, narrated by a girl called salma, whose life story mirrors sulaima’s own. this is a very interesting set-up, and i think both the narrative structure and the combination of anxiety as a psychological illness and anxiety/paranoia as a social state caused by political repression & violence were really interesting, but sometimes the book felt a bit muddled and confusing to me. 3/5

der schlaf der gerechten, wolfgang hilbig (the sleep of the righteous) this is a collection of connected short stories set in a mining town in east germany - the first 4 stories follow the narrator figure (who’s not necessarily the same, but very similar throughout all stories) as a child and young adult, growing up in a town almost without men after world war 2, whereas the last 3 describe the narrator’s return to this town as an adult after reunification, struggling with his own and east germany’s past. i ADORED the first stories - they are insanely good, dark, atmospheric, beautifully written and so evocative of the materiality of this town, the ash, the coal, moulding fruit, gritty, grimy, ash coating everything (the blurb on the back says that your hands will come away from the pages stained with soot, and i feel that). the second set is good too, but it moves away from that sensual evocation which i loved so much. 4/5

the golden fool (tawny man #2), robin hobb y’all i really tried to read this one slowly, and it worked for four days but then i decided that i might as well read read the entire second half in one day so. anyway this is hard to talk about w/o spoiling a lot but robin hobb truly is the queen of character writing. loved the elliania plot, loved the coterie forming, loved the bingtown delegation, loved fitz and the fool having Feelings Drama (made me Big Sad tho - also fitz is my son & all but good god he can be a dumbass). i feel like this one’s mostly setting everything up for fool’s fate but it’s good. 4/5

the sixth extinction: an unnatural history, elizabeth kolbert engaging & accessible nonfiction book about extinction, including both past extinction events, the history of science about extinction and focusing on the current extinction event (with several example species, from frogs to rhinos) mostly caused by humans fucking everything up. 3/5

the course of the heart, m john harrison tbh i just didn’t get it.... maybe i’m not versed enough in gnosticism & weird esoteric shit. anyway, this is about three friends haunted by some spiritual ritual (lol) they held while at uni with a sinister guy called yaxley. you never find out what they actually did, but they construct a whole mythology about it that i uh. didn’t get. tbh i pretty much checked out halfway thru. 1.5/5

barracoon: the story of the last “black cargo”, zora neale hurston (audio) interesting & sad & really touching account of cudjo lewis, one of the last africans to be shipped to america as slaves, mainly made up of his own narrative, collected & put together by hurston. some interesting background info about how the book came to be as well. 3/5

how to survive a plague, david france in-depth account of the aids epidemic in the us, especially in new york, combining personal stories, insight into aids activism, scientific progress (and for most of the book, lack thereof) and staggering political neglect and failure. well-written, informative and well-explained but (obviously) very emotionally draining.  4/5

fool’s fate (the tawny man #3), robin hobb lmao i love emotionally dying about robin hobb books. anyway A LOT happens in this one & i was very emotional about most of it but most emotional about fitzchivalry farseer (idiot, son boy, changer) and the fool (beloved!) and my man burrich (lol say the words ‘heart of the pack’ & i’m already overwhelmed). anyway this was a very epic & hardcore emotional conclusion to this series & robin hobb may make me cry any time she wishes. 4/5, series rating 4.5/5

what it means when a man falls from the sky, lesley nneka arimah collection of short stories mostly set in nigeria and in the us. some of the stories are magical realist-y, some are more realist, but almost all are concerned with familial bonds and bondage, the complicated relationships between parents and children. the stories are well-executed and precisely told, but while i liked quite a few of the stories (esp. the title story) i just didn’t feel particularly strongly about most of them. 3/5

heimsuchung, jenny erpenbeck (visitation) another interesting take on 20th century german history from erpenbeck - this one is centred around a house by a lake in brandenburg & told thru the various people connected to the house over the years & decades, owners, visitors, neighbours, etc. it’s an interesting concept & well-executed & clever & erpenbeck can write but it kinda paled for me in comparison to her aller tage abend, which does a similar thing in very different way. 3/5

currently reading: look okay i have Not finished the magic mountain but i am still reading it so i still have a chance of defeating mann in single combat. i’m actually kinda liking it but it’s A Lot, so i’m taking it slow. also call me zebra which i am v v...... unsure about??

[pisati]

I talked to my mom yesterday, just about all kinds of things. I thought I decided a while ago to keep her out of the loop on my health situation, but I guess things are okay if I just keep her up to date but keep her at a distance. not like it’s ever not been like that, though. once I hit 18 and could make decisions for myself without parental permission I was already used to having to advocate for myself. I get that my mom was busy and stressed when I was younger. but thinking back... it kind of hurts that she didn’t fight harder for me. she DID take me to doctors and she does still cover my costs. but I think she gave up on trying a long time ago. it’s hard to tell if she thinks I’m faking too. I don’t think she does, but sometimes it does feel like she thinks I’m thinking too hard about it. I should just sit down and take the hand I was dealt, despite not having any answers. 

I told her about the FM/a test, and she thinks it’s a good idea to go for it. if it’s just a quick blood draw and insurance will probably cover it, what’s the harm? either I come up negative (a good thing, in some ways), or I come up positive and finally have my answer. yeah it would suck to definitively know that I have something for the rest of my life and there is a very real possibility it will get worse, but when I know what it is I can better learn how to manage it. that’s all I want at this point. 

I also mentioned that when I was volunteering last, my volunteer coordinator showed a group of us a slightly old version of the plans for the new shelter the county is building. it’s going to be a much bigger facility, which is nice, and it’ll be a good bit closer to home. there are a lot of cool features. but I also mentioned to mom how I’d been volunteering for almost two years now, and it’s finally at the point where I’m meeting new volunteers for the first time and they already know who I am. my VC calls me the queen of smalls, and defers to me for pretty much everything small-animal related. staff all know me by name too, and I’ve done a lot in the way of training. the new shelter is on-schedule as of right now, to be finished in september. by that point, I will have been volunteering for just short of 3 years, and I will have a year’s worth of experience at the clinic as both a receptionist and a vet assistant. I told my mom that with the building of the new shelter, there’s going to be more care staff positions opening up, and I honestly think I���ll have a good shot at one of them. there’s more I need to learn by that point, but I think if I do want to pursue this seriously, I can definitely do it. 

and I was actually surprised that she sounded relieved to hear that. “oh, Hannah, that would be so good”. I’d have county government benefits. I’d be paid a good bit more. still not enough to live on my own here, but more for sure. I just... I know how hard she’s been pushing me to stay in linguistics. I know she’d love to see me doing some boring government job, getting a security clearance, being this person I know I’m not, doing all the shit that makes me feel nauseous now. but I also know she wants me to be secure and be happy. county government jobs provide government benefits, meaning it would be stable. not to mention this county is the wealthiest in the country. it’s making me tear up a little bit just to know she supports me, still. things aren’t going the way I thought they would, but I know that right now, animal care is what’s working for me. maybe one day when I can fix my sleep and my mental health I can push myself to go into something else, but right now I just can’t bring myself to care. I can’t see myself being a serious career academic. I can’t see myself in a stiff, boring government job. I would probably fall very quickly back into borderline suicidality if I ever ended up at another desk job. 

I wish I could have seen this in myself sooner. I wish I would have taken one good hard look at myself and thought about my own personality, and I wish someone else with more experience would have too, and given me some guidance. I really am a person that cares too goddamn much. even thinking about other options I might have; the thing that’s most appealing to me right now is applied behavior analysis. the goal for me being to help autistic children and families with autistic children communicate better and understand each other’s needs. am I a peacemaker at heart? do I just want really badly to see happy endings? I’ve always been a bleeding heart. always, always, always. I remember being in middle or early high school; grandpa had taken us fishing at one of his favorite spots on a bridge in florida, and I’d caught a fish that he liked so much he wanted to keep it for food. but he wanted to just leave it on the ground to suffocate until it died, and I cried until he grumpily threw it back. I saw it belly-up anyway, as it floated downstream, and I still think about it. I hated knowing I was the reason that fish died. that’s just one anecdote, but looking back, it was clear as day that that’s just the kind of person I am. and still I got pushed into things that weren’t ever right for me, because money is a huge worry, and because I grew up under the impression that I needed to pay less attention to myself and just focus on “being successful”. I figured I’d have to be like my mom; do a job because it paid and it was a job. I resigned myself to being miserable because “that’s just what people do”. I learned too late that it’s not, actually. I just wish that doing a job at all would pay enough to live. why some jobs are valued so much more than others is baffling to me. people in social, care-oriented fields work so hard and are so undervalued. powerful positions pay a ton more, and attract power-hungry people. that’s how we end up with this huge imbalance. it does still hurt me sometimes, though, feeling like my mom’s disappointed in me for changing my mind. for deciding that I don’t have to be miserable at a job, and I shouldn’t put up with something just because it pays enough. that’s why it was such a relief to actually have her support on this shelter thing. 

---

A set up a new facebook event page for festivus. he’d made one a few weeks ago, but then deleted it. I was afraid he’d deleted me from it specifically, because just before he deleted the page I’d mentioned to him that it might not be worth it for me this year. he’d told me it might be in pittsburgh, and that would be a long trip for me for just a weekend. and I told him that if it was going to end up like farm jam, with me showing up and being ignored the whole time, it wasn’t worth a trip at all. suddenly the page wasn’t visible to me anymore. but another friend confirmed that the event was deleted.

so now there’s a new one. it’s going to be in johnstown, which is doable, since it’s only a ~2.5 hour drive, vs 4.5 to pittsburgh. unfortunately it’s on the exact day that my office manager decided to put our clinic holiday party; we had a paper hanging up in treatment asking people to put their names on one of two dates they preferred, either, or neither, and I put “either” because I didn’t have other plans at the time. I don’t even know yet if I’m working that day, but if we’re supposed to alternate weekends I should have that day off. I suppose I could tell people at work that I only see my PA friends twice a year now, if that, and they planned it pretty last-minute, but I just. I don’t know. it wasn’t really worth the effort last year. this year I feel even more disconnected than I did before, and it was pretty bad before.

I’d be willing to give it another go, I think. god I miss having friends so much. I know there’s people I can still talk to, if they’d be willing to talk to me. I can’t let the past get me too down. trying not to recall A ignoring me in person while he tried to get into another girl’s pants after T’s wedding, and literally pitched her tent 5 feet from mine and ended up spending the night in it with her. trying to scrap all the memories from this past farm jam, when I ended up crying a good few times because despite trying to interact and not look like I was in a bad mood over the course of 4 days, I just got ignored and left behind. when I went to go for a walk by myself and got caught in a torrential downpour, only to come back to the campsite to find everyone that was still at the campsite huddled under the big tarp we’d strung up, having rescued every camp chair but mine. including T’s piece of crap chair that seemed a few more uses away from falling apart even when I first saw it 6 years ago. I don’t know what that says to me, but it feels like it says something.

I don’t know. I could let my shit memory do what it does. I could try again. I don’t know why I feel like I need to prove to my friends that I’m trying to not be so depressed. they’re the ones who back off because they don’t want to deal with me when I’m sad. I’m not trying to bring anyone down, I’m just.. really not well. I haven’t been for a long time. I wonder where I’d be if I felt like I had one person who I wasn’t terrified of scaring off; who could just see my depression as something that has me in a vice grip and isn’t a reflection of who I am. I know sometimes it puts me in scary places, but I’m not scary. I’m not hopeless. it helps me immensely just to feel cared about. I have a page on my notes app that I add to every so often with thoughts and snippets of things I could potentially turn into song lyrics, and I was just reminded of one I spit out at least a few months ago: isn’t it cruel how much I blossom when I’m loved? another I’m still trying to find the right words for so I haven’t actually written it down yet: don’t make the mistake of caring for me, because I’ll make the mistake of feeling cared about

my friend Mere is the one I asked about A potentially having removed me from the first festivus page, actually. she’d messaged me after I posted a picture of my crochet on facebook, and just wanted to ask how I was doing. she’s so sweet. we talked briefly, eventually about how everything just felt different. it was weird hearing her talk about Alec and that other girl he’s seeing now, knowing they were all friends even before Alec and Mere got married. I don’t feel it’s my place to ask how she feels about it. she seems to be doing well now though, and I’m glad to hear that. the last thing she said (which I responded to, but didn’t get another response) was interesting: but, I’m sorry that I never got along too well with you in the beginning. I don’t know what it was, but I’m super happy to call you a friend now.

we’d actually talked about this twice before. the first time I think was festivus 2015. we follow festivus tradition, and within that falls the airing of grievances. she’d pulled me aside and told me straight-up that she didn’t like me much when she first met me. which I wasn’t even aware of, because I never talked to her much and always thought she was pretty cool. but she told me that after actually talking to me and having me around for a bit (since I was staying with A while I visited, and he had a room in Alec & Mere’s house), she realized her feelings were misplaced. I was glad she was honest with me. the second time was after T’s wedding. I had hauled ass back up to the campfire after realizing that A had zipped himself into that girl’s tiny one-person tent with her and she knew immediately what happened. it was obvious the whole night what he was trying to do, and she knew him longer than I did, so of course she knew without even having to see it. I was so on-edge. so upset. I was shaking. I remember she and our friend Brad had come up to me and asked what happened, if I wanted to sleep in my car, if I wanted them go get my stuff out of my tent for me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just remember sitting in front of the fire, shaking and starting to cry and picking my cuticles to bits; I don’t even remember what they were talking about. I remember at one point Brad asked if I was okay, and I told him I felt like I just wanted to hit something; he went into the trees at the edge of T’s property and brought me a big branch so I could take a swing at something if I wanted. I just gave him a big hug.  Mere and I had debated going to sleep, because everyone else already had by the time it was just us left. but we ended up talking more. she told me about how she had a crush on A too and had for years, and it hurt to see him screw around so much. it hurt to see him with me and have me around, and after she realized I wasn’t so bad it hurt to know he hurt me too. I felt bad, because I had no idea. I told her a lot of the shit he put me through, and she agreed it wasn’t okay. she told me how he was really upset the year before when he realized it was my birthday and he forgot again. he’d gotten drunk and told her he knew he hurt me really bad and just didn’t know what to do; he felt terrible. she told me about her relationship with Alec and how things were just falling apart. they were trying to make it work, but it was never going to. I told her how I kind of wanted to pack up my tent and leave, like how in the movies when people break up they just take all their stuff and disappear, but A’s stuff was still in my tent; he was supposed to have shared with me. I was too tired to drive home, but I still wanted to just pack it up anyway. she helped me fold up all of his things and leave them in a neat little pile where the tent was. she helped me fold up the tarp and showed me how to fold the tent so I could fit it all back into the carrying bag and zip it shut (a skill I had yet to acquire). we got all my things back into my car so I could just get in and go if I wanted. by the time we’d started packing up the tent the sun was already coming back up; we were sat around the fire again when A’s phone alarm went off. the two of them came up to the fire pit and sat down with us; I couldn’t even look at him. Mere offered to let me stay at her place in johnstown before I drove home; I think Alec had work later in the morning so I followed them home and tried to sleep. I was amazed I made it there in one piece since I’d been awake for somewhere around 26-27 hours at that point and was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was so grateful to have her company that day. she promised to keep me company at farm jam that year too, so I wouldn’t have to see A with that girl (she ended up not going, but I was worried the whole time that she’d show up). Mere hung out with me and took me mushroom foraging in the woods, and I learned a lot even though I don’t remember any of it. she’s a really sweet gal, and I’m glad to know her.

---

well that ended up taking a turn I didn’t intend. I guess that’s alright. just felt like I needed to write.

I don’t know. I’m not ready for this 3-day weekend to be over. I finally caught a break and I crashed pretty hard. I’m really missing my gap year and all the free time I had; feels like it hardly lasted any time at all. I don’t know how I’m ever going to have the energy to work full-time for the rest of my life; I’m not even “full-time” now and I’m struggling. I don’t know. maybe if I finally get a diagnosis people will take me seriously and help me come up with a plan to get the most out of what energy I do have without burning myself out.

[micebrandy29-blog]

even more perfect apple pie

I did not intend to go on an apple pie making bender. I merely did what we always do in October: go apple picking, balk at the price of a bag, insist upon filling it way past the brim (because: economics) and then we ate some apples on the way home home and the bag was still overflowing. So I made an apple pie with 4.25 pounds of apples in it and the bag looked exactly as full as it had been at the orchard. Might they still be growing in there? It’s the only explanation.

I started with the apple pie recipe that’s been on this site for 12 years, but over the years I’ve tweaked it a little at home in small ways (different spice levels, some brown sugar worked in, thinner slices). This time, with some help from the genius Bravetart book, I tweaked it a lot, and it was the best apple pie I’ve ever made. So I did the only rational thing and brought slices of my pie-brag to everyone I saw for a couple days and then I ran out of pie and made another one using the same tweaks and it, too, was the best apple pie I’d ever made, so I did the only rational thing and made a third one and now I think it’s time for us to talk about what I think has made it so much better.

Out of loyalty to the old pie recipe, I wanted to do talk about in a new post because I know there are people who make it yearly and I don’t want to change the way it’s written. But that pie is 12 years old — that pie recipe would be IN MIDDLE SCHOOL right now — it’s okay if it’s not the same person it was in its toddler years and no I’m not projecting, you’re projecting, this is about pie, okay? [WAAAH.]

Here’s what I do a little differently these days (and do skip right to the recipe if you’re not into the Inside Baseball of all it):

Time and temperature changes: Previously, I used the baking instructions from America’s Test Kitchen, which at the time were to heat the oven to 500°F, lower it to 425 after the pie was in, and then, 30 minutes later, reduce it to 375 for the remaining baking time, for about 60 minutes baking time total, which was also rarely enough. I bet you can guess what would actually happen every time I made this: I’d remember to reduce the temperature the first time, never the second, and it also looked overbaked before it was done. Stella Parks recommends baking the pie at a single temperature (400) for a longer period of time (75 minutes), and even gives you a suggested internal temperature if you’re nervous about doneness, and lo, it was perfect, with a crisp bottom crust (despite having no parbaking step) and with caramel-y juices. I haven’t looked back since.

I use more apples and I cut them thinner: One of the most frustrating things that happens when you make a pie is that you put in what seems like a massive amount of fresh fruit but after it slumps, shrinks, and nestles in as it bakes, you’re left with a very flat, if not concave, pie. Parks has a fantastic tip of having you mix your filling and let it macerate for a while so that the apples soften, allowing you to put a lot more in the filling and leading to pie slices stacked to the brim with apples. My original recipe calls for 3.5 pounds of apples; I’m now using between 4.25 and 4.5 pounds. Better to have too much filling (and bake it separately in a dish for the oatmeal or yogurt topping of champions in the coming days) than too little. I also cut the apples more thinly, a scant .25″ thick, which also allows them to nestle in more tightly so they don’t fall as much when baking.

Order of operations: Because we’re going to let the apples macerate a bit, I now prepare them first, and the pie dough second. They don’t mind waiting.

I like a mix of apples — usually: Most apple pie recipes, including my original one, want you to use hyper-specific amounts of hyper-specific kinds of apples, which is rarely what anyone has. I feel strongly that a mix of apples, ideally ones that won’t fall apart when baking, see this awesome page if you want more guidance as to which ones to choose, is the way to get the most nuanced and dynamic apple flavor in a pie. Nobody wants a one-note pie. That said, the orchard we were in had a ton of massive mutsu apples ready, and I made my last few pies with them only. Turns out they’re fantastic baking apples. “Uh, Deb, you just contradicted yourself.” Yes, and I want you, too, to go with the flow.

Flavor changes: Although I started skipping the lemon because we were out of lemons, when I didn’t miss the flavor at all, I never bothered putting it back in. Ditto with the lemon zest, which I found distracting. I also increased the cinnamon and added a little ground ginger (which won’t make it gingery, promise; it just seems to wake the pie up a little). Finally, I started swapping half, then more, of the sugar with brown sugar and I really don’t know why I wasn’t doing this all along. It’s lovely here.

Thickener changes: Over the last few years, as tapioca flour/starch (they’re the same thing) became more easily available (Bob’s Red Mill makes some, so check any store that stocks the brand, or here or here or here), I started using it as a pie thickener and never looked back. It’s clear and unchalky once baked, and doesn’t muffle the filling flavor the way I find some commercial thickening blends do. You’d never really know it’s there, which is basically the dream.

Previously

One year ago: Chocolate Olive Oil Cake Two years ago: Baked Alaska, Indian-Spiced Cauliflower Soup, and Skillet-Baked Pasta with Five Cheeses Three years ago: Broccoli Cheddar Soup, S’more Cupcakes, and My Old-School Baked Ziti Four years ago: Latke Waffles, The Crispy Egg, Better Chicken Pot Pies Five years ago: Miso Sweet Potato and Broccoli Bowl Six years ago: Spaghetti with Broccoli Cream Pesto and Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls Seven years ago: Cumin Seed Roasted Cauliflower with Yogurt Eight years ago: Single Crust Plum and Apple Pie and Mushroom Lasagna Nine years ago: Quiche Lorraine Ten years ago: Black and White Cookies, Best Challah (Egg Bread) and Mom’s Apple Cake Eleven years ago: Bronx-Worthy Bagels, Peanut Butter Brownies, and Arroz Con Pollo [New!] Twelve years ago: Lemon Cake

And for the other side of the world: Six Months Ago: Fig Newtons 1.5 Years Ago: Cornbread Waffles, Mushroom Tartines, and Almond Horn Cookies 2.5 Years Ago: Spring Chicken Salad Toasts, Caramelized Brown Sugar Oranges with Yogurt, and Potato Pizza, Even Better 3.5 Years Ago: The Consolation Prize (A Mocktail) and Baked Chickpeas with Pita Chips and Yogurt 4.5 Years Ago: Dark Chocolate Coconut Macaroons

Even More Perfect Apple Pie

Servings: 8 to 12

Time: 3 hours, mostly hands-off

Print

This is an update on my 2006 apple pie recipe, with a few new tricks from the fantastic Bravetart cookbook.

Filling

1/2 cup (95 grams) light or dark brown sugar

1/4 cup (50 grams) granulated sugar

1/4 teaspoon fine sea or table salt

2 teaspoons ground cinnnamon

Freshly grated nutmeg, to taste, or about 1/4 teaspoon ground

1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

4 1/4 to 4 1/2 pounds baking apples, shown here with mutsu (which is like a mix of Granny Smith and Golden Delicious) but more suggestions here

3 tablespoons tapioca flour or starch

Crust

1 recipe All Butter, Really Flaky Pie Dough, or your favorite recipe, or a storebought dough

1 egg, lightly beaten (optional)

Coarse or raw sugar for sprinkling (optional)

Make filling: Combine sugars, salt, and spices in your absolutely largest bowl. Peel, halve, and core your apples and cut them into thin (scant 1/4-inch) slices, adding them right to the big bowl. Toss to coat the slices as much as possible. Set aside for 1 to 4 hours at room temperature.

Prepare crust: Make your pie dough according to instructions. If you need to chill it for an hour or two before rolling it out, you can do so now. If yours is already chilled and ready to go, roll out the first half on a well-floured counter [more detailed instructions here] to a 14-inch circle and transfer it to 9-inch standard (not deep-dish) pie plate. With scissors or kitchen shears, trim overhang to one inch all around. Refrigerate dish and dough until needed.

For a regular pie lid, roll out the second dough half into the same sized circle, transfer it to a large parchment-lined baking sheet and chill this as well until needed. For a lattice or woven pie lid, you can use the same sized circle, or you can just roll it into a rectangle at least 14″ in one direction, and then as long or wide you can get it in the other. Transfer it to a parchment-lined baking sheet and chill this as well until needed.

Heat oven: To 400°F.

Assemble pie: Stir tapioca starch into apple pie filling. Pour filling into prepared bottom crust and use your hands to pack and heap those softened apples as mounded as you can get them, then add a few more. Pour any juices that have accumulated carefully over apples; do not leave any behind. Either place your second pie dough round over the filling or cut it into strips to lattice the top. [Detailed classic lattice instructions here, or try some of Erin McDowell’s gorgeous iterations.] Trim the top crust or lattice strips to the edge of the pie dish. Fold the overhang from the lower crust over to form a thick rim, and crimp it together with your fingers or a fork to seal it. Brush top crust with egg, then sprinkle with sugar if desired. If your top crust is in one piece, cut a few vents in it with a sharp knife.

Bake pie: Reuse that sheet of parchment paper on the large baking sheet for easier cleanup, then transfer your prepared pie onto it. Bake for 75 minutes, turning once or twice for even color. If your pie is browning too fast, take a large square of foil, mold it over the back of a large bowl into a convex dome, then use that to cover the pie in the oven for the remaining baking time so it doesn’t brown much further. Pie is done when juices are bubbling visibly through the vents or lattice, or when the internal temperature reads 195°F. A tester inserted into the pie shouldn’t hit any overtly crunchy apple pieces.

To serve: Cool pie for at least one hour at room temperature before cutting into it. However, your filling will not fully thicken until it has fully cooled, ideally in the fridge for a couple hours. You can rewarm slices as you serve them, if desired. Leftovers keep at room temperature for 2 to 3 days, and in the fridge for 1 week.

Source: https://smittenkitchen.com/2018/10/even-more-perfect-apple-pie/