#omg i didnt use this tag for soo long its good to be back

[not-a-big-slay]

Until it doesn't hurt

kaz brekker x fem!reader

warnings: talks of murder, slavery,

a/n: long ahh chapter, but thats what you get as an apology for waiting. i didnt forget about this series and id be damned if i ever would. there are only two chapters left- part 12 and the epilogue, so please stick around and i will try to get them out sooner than this chapter. it was almost half a fuckin year??!!! oh i need a wake up call goddamn. anyway, thank you for reading it and the positive comments here and on wattpad! enjoy this chapter :)

part 11/13:

previous part: part 10

next part: part 12

masterlist

taglist (sorry to bother everyone, i know it has been 5 months..):

@chickencouncilrep

@venomsvl

@happy-nico

comment to be added, two chapters left

"Sounds risky."

"It is."

"And suicidal."

"Yes."

"Also impossible."

"Very much so."

Jesper was amused by the conversation between Inej and Y/N. He has learned his poker partner had only a day left to finish her job. Killing Pekka Rollins couldn't be easy, so when she knocked on the door of Inej's old room, he could see just how anxious Y/N was and how desperate her voice rang when she proposed teaming up with his old friend. Their shared feeling of duty may help them cooperate and increase chances of ending the monster's life. However Inej's former enlightment that came from the hitman's good idea now seemed lost as Y/N shared her deadly plan.

Jesper was just happy to be in the same room, he didn't feel included, nor should he. It wasn't like he would join them, but even men living from the adrenaline of risks would doubt this scheme. It included too many holes that would serve trouble to sneek in "I don't know, Y/N." voiced her uncertanty Inej, "I understand you have limited time, but I'd rather be late than dead." Jesper agreed silently by nodding as they watched the girl think with furrowed eyebrows, not realizing she already is one of those choices. Jesper cleared his throat, he really didn't want to speak, but he couldn't allow Y/N to drag his friend to provoke death herself. "It's not exactly... bulletproof, is it?"

The plan goes as this: Y/N would send a message to Rollins, preferably not a dreg messenger, to meet him somewhere yet not disclosed where. First hole: the Dime Lions' leader will not listen to a mysterious note and probably will not come. Y/N reassured them he will, but didn't gave them a reason to believe that. After the target arrives at the place that's, again, still non-existent, he comes to face Y/N and some 'old friend', as the girl said. Second hole: Y/N won't tell them many key details to the plan, they are just supposed to

"Trust me, it will work."

Inej sighed loudly, clearly trying to find trust in this girl within her. "Are you sure he'll come alone?" she pointed out a part of the plan where they will meet Rollins alone. Third hole, for obvious reasons. "He won't have a reason not to. Our only leverage is that he doesn't suspect I know you, he still thinks I'm on my own." the hitman cleared up and ran a hand through her hair. At least she briefly explained to them that she had met Rollins before, that her job was sort of a revenge, but didn't tell them for what, nor they expected her to. Jesper wanted to keep his mouth shut, but it seemed he was the only one that saw another problem with her statement. "Remind me then, Y/N." the person mentioned turned her gaze away from the table covered under the map of Ketterdam and pleaded him to continue, "What did Rollins do exactly when he found out you were on your own? Kidnapped you is what." he didn't give her time to answer, because it wasn't a question. Finding her bloodied and strapped to a chair with Kaz pointing a gun at her was an unpleasant sight, more unpleasant was Y/N's story about how she got there. The image of the night appeared as if on cue in his mind and made him add: "And who was robbing him on the night you escaped?" Y/N's hands pushed themselves off the table before her legs started to slowly pace the room, hopefully thinking about Jesper's words.

"That's true. His guards saw us all escaping, there is no way you are considered to be alone." Inej supported his doubts and made the girl stop in tracks, her back facing them. Candles lit the room brightly and they flickered when Jesper thought about his utter confusion after finding out Kaz and Y/N knew each other since childhood. He assumed Kaz was born a teenager with insanity inside his genes, the thought of him being a demon that crawled out from hell also crossed his mind. No one knew exactly about his past, no one except maybe for Y/N, but since they seem to hate each other now, it's probably for their own good to not posses the knowledge of Kaz as a child. It was silence for a while until Y/N's words cut through it. "Well, he might be stupid enough to come alone," she let out a sigh and Jesper swore he saw goosebumps on her neck as she finished the sentence, "but not naïve enough to think Kaz would help me."

After Rollins arrives, Inej- present in the skies- will make sure he is indeed alone, or she gets rid of any other presence. Y/N aspires for the place of meeting to be dark, so Inej is not seen while working. After doing so, the spider will stand in the dark behind Pekka, waiting for her cue to put a knife on his throat. Jesper assumes there will be some dialogue between Y/N and Rollins before the two kill him, he fancies it as some sort of drama play they often held on Eil Komedie in a theater. He'd definitely took Wylan to see this play with him, but would rather avoid the same scenario in real life. And how they kill him: the hitman will shoot him, somewhere fatal but where he won't die instantly. Then, she will hit him until only a toe is left touching the alive side of border between life and death. Inej will then 'keep her promise'. or simply put, carve his heart out. Brutal, but poetic in Jesper's opinion. He will die a painful death, Y/N gets her money and revenge and Inej finishes a long undone job, everybody wins.

The girl turned to them, she saw the hesitation in their eyes and walked closer. "I know it's dangerous, but if we won't do it, someone else will." Jesper sinked into confusion and let it show on his face freely, Y/N for his sake quickly explained. "Someone, who holds grudges, will come for him. And they might do it in a more stupid and unprepared way. And then we will hate ourselves for not taking the risk." She looked at Inej and finished: "There's not enough Pekkas for everyone's revenge" Inej stared at her as the mastermind opened her mouth with one last question to ask: "Are you in?" Her eyes digged in Inej as they awaited for answer. She looked at Jesper first, as though he would somehow help. The boy just shrugged, what else to do, he is not part of it. She turned to Y/N again and a simple movement of her head made her understand and walk towards the door.

As she opened it, she turned to Inej and said: "Tomorrow night, after 4 bells until midnight, east stave, just behind Smeet Residence. You'll know." and left. Jesper watched Inej dragging her finger along the map and stopping at the possible building Y/N mentioned. She examined it, the boy could almost hear her mind as she thought about the route she'll take, her eyes caressing the paper streets and houses. Smeet residence belongs to Cornelis Smeet, he played cards with him before when they tried to save Inej from Van Eck. The feeling of nostalgia and warmth hit him. Oh, to go back as things were.

"Do you really trust her?"

"Did you trust she won't hurt you when you brought her to Wylan's house?"

He smiled, he really shouldn't have done that. Even when the question was probably rhetorical, he answered with a serious face. "Yes." Y/N seemed like anything but a liar. Sure, she didn't tell them much about her or the plan, but she didn't feed them lies so they would agree. And he did felt safe with her on that night. He didn't know her for long, but a trace of trust began in him. Inej, as if his thoughts written themselves on his eyes, knew what he was thinking about and smiled.

"Then yes, I trust her."

Oh, how he missed Inej.

--------------------------------------------

She cursed herself with every step she took.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

It rang in her head every time her lungs ate the air.

Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad idea.

Yet everything stopped when she was staring at the tall bulding present at the very end of 5th Harbor. After Y/N spat out her trauma on Kaz, she sent a letter to her employer, who unfortunetely happened to be Deln. She never wanted to see him again and after meeting him in the church, she somehow got over the fact that she has to take her payment from him, so encoutering that man twice was unavoidable. Yet she almost puked when she wrote the letter that was begging him to see her. The letter didn't say much, she wanted to tell him about the plan personally, so feelings could be voiced and maybe even manipulate him to cooperate. Y/N also chose to tell him right before the plan starts, so he wouldn't have a choice or time to make up his mind. She has yet to admit Deln is crucial to her plan though, Rollins won't go alone without him present and will run if he won't see him there, a bussiness partner, a person that sold her to him all those years ago,

an old friend.

A chill ran down her back, even though it was quite a warm evening, no wind at the sea either. She looked at the watchtower again. The Council of Tides was supposed to look out for the sea and harbors, but one hardly saw them. As far as Y/N knew, the stadwatch was patroling the harbors. She wondered if anyone is up there, if the council even existed. They could have just built many watchtowers and manipulate a feeling of safety into people. Trust is a powerful tool. At that moment, Y/N felt uncertain that Deln will arrive. She chose to meet with a slaver at the council's feet. Not that they would care about some barrel rats, but he could play a scaredy cat.

The sound of heavy boots on the cobblestone, that decorated almost the whole Ketterdam, and the feeling of the world closing in on her while a heavy stone crashed her chest, the feeling she only gets around one person, were the signs Deln wasn't afraid. Y/N listened to him creeping closer, the old urge to run fighting with her, before she finally turned around and faced him again after 11 days.

"Snowflake" he exclaimed happily, the word shooting Y/N in her throat, drying it up. She hated how afraid he made her feel. It's been years, she was supposed to move on. Hopefully, she will after this is over. Maybe the afterlife exists and will forgive her for her sins after all. That gave her hope and courage to form a fake smile for the show. "Deln." she greeted him with a nod. The man stopped before her and put his hands on his hips, shaking his head with a smile. He seemed very pleased to see her, what a disturbing thing to notice. "Oh, it has been far too long."

As much as she needed to play nice, Y/N didn't resist rolling her eyes at that. "Could we not?" she tried to not let the harsh tone into her voice, but expected failuire. Deln just chuckled upon her response, but his smile disappeared shortly after, the friendly tone nowhere to be found when he asked: "What do you want? Job's done?" Y/N quietly sighed in relief he was finally himself before answering. "Almost. I came here to offer you a first row view at the murder of Pekka Rollins. The price? I get to use you as a distraction." the hitman smiled and tried to sell it to him as traders on the streets taught her. As much as he loved a good advertisement, Deln shook his head and scoffed.

"Still too proud to ask me for help?"

If I was proud, you'd drown in your blood 10 days ago.

"You will just stand around, doing nothing, watching your enemy to die." she said instead, "I'd even say I'm helping you."

Deln smiled and turned around to walk in circles, he always did that when thinking. The waves crashed as the sun almost fell asleep behind horizont, first and only stars slowly lit their light in the deep blue sky. Y/N wished Ketterdam was clearer, so the stars could shine brightly as they deserved. The slavery she lived in had always a hole in the roof in the back. When she couldn't sleep, she used to look at the night heavens above, naming the few little planets present. There were always only five she could see. First was named Fala, it was the smallest star out of all of them, easy to remember. Second got the name Nerezza, that happened to be the first star that appeared and the last to go away. For the third star Y/N came up with Lilith, named after a child that died by the cruel hand of Deln, she was the brightest. She didn't named the last one for a long time, it wasn't special, just lonely and always the farthest away from the rest. Yet after Rollins took her and then she returned to the place she hoped to never see again, the fifth star shined brighter than ever, still alone, but the four seemed to bow to it. Just then, full of anger and spite, she named them all.

"Oh, Y/N." his voice woke her up and the girl saw him stop. His back faced her and she could fully see the hump in it, his spine visible in the plain shirt he wore. Deln suddenly turned around, his brows furrowed, eyes darted in her, deep in thought. He realized.

"I'm already a part of this, huh?"

Y/N thought of the messanger that patiently waited for the 7th bell to ring through the city. "Rollins will expect you, he is only coming because of you," she inhaled the salt wind from the sea,

"he will die tonight because of you."

Deln's eyes showed he finally got the full importance of his part. Y/N knew she wouldn't have to bother with retelling her plan, she just needed to let him know Rollins will be alone and in the streets. And all of that depends on him, he cannot back out if he wants Pekka dead, because he is already involved.

"Everything fails without me."

He made himself sound important, which he was, but Y/N still cringed. He won't even move a finger and still praised himself for helping. She put it past her though, the 7th bell rang. The message is on it's way. "In a few minutes," the hitman started to walk slowly to Deln, "Pekka Rollins will get a message from you, saying you want to discuss your affairs. You told him to come alone, a conversation between 4 eyes. You also mentioned me being there, as a ransom in your favor." She wanted to continue, but the man stopped her. "Hold on, why do you think Rollins wants to do anything with you?" Y/N stopped as he interrupted and swalllowed when she was reminded of the night they kindapped her.

"If you wouldn't have left me, there wouldn't be a point of kidnapping."

"There is nothing sweeter than a family reunion."

"He hates leaving traces behind." Deln's eyes were pinned on her, but he was thinking behind them. There was no turning back. The messanger had to be close to Rollins now. If he won't be there, Y/N won't kill him and Rollins will probably come after the slaver. Not that she cared about Deln's life, Rollins killing him before she kills Rollins was her insane fantasy no amount of stolen luck could grant her. Not even the freedom papers could pride themselves as the main reason. Kaz was why she needs to finish this job. Only he deserved the revenge and she had to be the one to gift it to him. She was obssesed with the possibility of his forgiveness if she does this. It would lift up the heaviest stone on her consciousness before her deserved death.

The girl watched him as his face lit up. "How will he know it's me. There is no proof that I have sent the letter." Yet his face slowly darkened in confusion again when he saw Y/N furrow her eyebrows and smile a little.

"Because you've signed it, Deln."

He opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out as everything connected. "The release papers." he sighed, still in awe. Y/N sighed in relief, she loved the feeling of the dominos falling perefectly on time. "You couldn't have remembered my signature. You couldn't have." it was more of a wish than a fact, he tried to convince himself there was a backdoor to this all, Y/N sealed them all though. She actually only focused on his signature, the distant feeling of an official freedom made her remember every single curve of his handwriting. When Rollins' guards were hitting her, the pain flashed it in her mind, keeping her going. Deln found her eyes and for the first time she saw fear in them. Not disgust or mockery, nor peace and happiness.

Fear. Of her.

"You little bitch." he whispered. He couldn't run, he couldn't deny anything. He was cornered. Messanger already delivered Deln's worst fear. Y/N knew he didn't want to be involved with Rollins' murder, that's why she was hired after all. His slave empire would fall if he would be accused of murdering the king of the Barrel, but if she was supposed to kill her past, she was going to kill everything.

A bell rang through the city. Quarter past seven.

Y/N looked up at the sky, a star right above her has shined her way through the mist. She recognized it immediately. "We have to go, can't leave him waiting." she stood before Deln, not moving until he does. He laughed silently, hiding behind his easy-going personality, fearing to accept his faith. After taking in a deep breath, he nodded to the side: "Lead the way."

Before they disappeared into the centre of the city, Y/N looked at her fifth star for the last time. In an hour, Rollins might be dead, Deln will take the blame and Y/N might get her peace in hell. The realization pained her, but she also saw the warm embrace of closure behind it.

A name of the star ran through her head. Little Y/N's whispered it into her ear as the wind picked up.

Karma. Coming for them all.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Kaz coughed when the water reached his nose, filling it up so he couldn't breathe, even though air was all around him and the hallways of the Emerald Palace were dry. Everytime they rounded a corner, one of the two Dime Lions that dragged him along moved his hand across his biceps, causing the waters wetting new parts of his body.

People say Kaz always has a plan and a backup plan for everything, and they are right. However, that was before Y/N appeared and claimed the spot in his heart and mind that he thought was either abandoned or dead. When the frustration he had on himself fizzled out, his cane was already carrying him to the steps of Pekka's place, knitting a quick plan on the way. Kaz thought the deed was done, when he ordered Rollins to say his brother's name and made him believe he buried his son, but apparently it wasn't enough. It will never be, Jakob Hertzoon had hurt many people, not just them. There could be other fools with dead siblings or parents, begging for revenge every night. Stupid kids, as he was once. He couldn't help them, but Dirtyhands will feel enough joy for all of them once the only thing functioning will be Rollins' heart.

That is for Y/N to take.

As he was slowly getting closer to Pekka's office, he didn't doubt the guards will be the easiest part. An old flame in him was ignited and it won't be put down 'till the blood paints every wall of this place. The guards stopped and tightened their grip as one of them opened a door to the office. Kaz thought of just throwing up on them, but kept it in until they pushed him on the floor and released their touch. He coughed again and the water disappeared once he took in the hard wooden floor. His ears picked up voices and the sight of his cane being handed to Rollins, then the men left and he was left alone with the lion.

Kaz pushed his face off the ground into a seated position. His cane hit the floor once before Rollins started talking: "Let's not waste our time Brekker. What do you want?" His accent rolling down his tongue as Kaz tried to stand up. The office looked smaller than his, but it gained one advantage on him once he saw the part of the room that served Y/N as backround when she said his name for the first time in a long time. Her voice still echoed somewhere in his mind and he could never find it and catch it. He never wanted to see her again, in all honesty he just wanted to put her in Hellgate, so she would never be anywhere without his knowledge again, but the R on his shoulder urged him to do this, to get their revenge and to see her at peace.

He cursed that R everyday.

When he was on the way up from his knees, a crow head digged into his shoulder, making him to look at the disgusting face the other person wore. His eyes yelled an answer into Pekka's and he frowned in annoyance once he understood. "Why do you all suddenly hunger for blood, eh? You had to plan this with her, ain't a chance you didn't." he complained while releasing a tension in Kaz's shoulder, letting him to stand up. The boy hated the mention of Y/N, even though he didn't say the girl's name, the knowledge about her could be heard. It only pour gasoline in the fire his eyes flashed. But Kaz wouldn't let him see, Rollins still had no idea Y/N visited the bastard and that they already caught up on the lost time. There was chance he knew, yet he would deny it even if she confessed into Rollins' face.

"Who are you talking about." It wasn't a question, he challenged him to talk about Y/N. However Kaz's fears became true when the man laughed exaggeratedly. "Oh come on! I know you broke her out of my house boy, don't pretend to be dumber than you are." Rollins sat down the cane by his table and reached a hand out for a bottle of whiskey. The sound of liquid knocking on the glass was followed by Pekka's hand that flipped the cup's contents inside his mouth. He'd let him have his last drink, after Dirtyhands is through with him, he'll probably throw it back out. Fingers tapped on the wooden table, disturbing the silence Kaz couldn't handle. "So, why are you doing it. For her?" The last sentence was mocking and rhetorical, quite ironic that it's the only right reason. Kaz limped slowly closer to his table, if he could get to the right spot, he should be able to pick his cane up.

With the 7th bell ringing in the distance, Rollins swallowed his second drink before he started to speak again: "She's not worth it son." Kaz noticed his eyes wandered into afar, making it a good oppurturnity to knock him out. Only if the sudden pain in his stomach caused by the petname disappeared. "You don't even know her, the things she's done." Wrong, thought immediately Kaz. She told him her entire life, leaving out only her birth maybe. But he tied his tongue and imprisoned it behind his teeth due to the concatration he fixed on his only weapon. Rollins didn't mind, he continued gladly to think about the old days.

Kaz's heartbeat fastened everytime he mentioned her, that Nina could be able to pick it up. This moment was one of the many recent, when he desired to go reverse time. Hell, delete it if needed, he just wished to be the 17 year old boy again, planning heists with his Crows, rolling his eyes at the overly-sweet endless pining between Jesper and Wylan, hearing Matthias call him numerous demonic and cursed names, entertaining himself by watching Nina and Inej silent-laugh at something stupid when he was bored. He's glad everyone is safe and that they persued their life callings, but some changes are hard to swallow and this one was still hot to eat. This crave of his heart made itself known before, last time when he saw Y/N in this very office, but now it altered a little, bringing him shame and joy at the same time.

Kaz could see a new person in the picture, laughing along side with the girls, learning Fjerdan solely for the purpose of mocking him, teasing Jesper and Wylan for being so corny. The person didn't fit the timeline, but that was besides the point. He could see her with him, by his side. It squeezed his heart and he didn't know if it's a hug or an attempt to crush it.

The door creaking turned his head around, stopping his hand just mere inches before his cane. A messanger. Rollins walked past Kaz and without a word, the newly present man handed him a letter and left. As the door shut, Kaz's hand made contact with the cane. Rollins' low and weak laugh called to his attention and once his eyes settled on him, the man brought his own pair up. The smile should've already warn him, but his ears waited to hear the conformation. Pekka lifted the letter to Kaz's eye level, as if he would see the small letters from their distance. Yet he knew what it was for sure once the receiver said:

"Speaking of the devil."

Moments after, the man whistled and within a second his guards busted the room, handling Kaz again. The boy tried to fight the hands off, he leaned back and then forth quickly, swinging his cane right after they let go a little, striking one in the stomache. The other got hit in the neck, but before he could finish either of them, a back- up came to aid, trapping him with their arms. He threw himself to sides, trying to loosen up their grip, however it seemed to seal him closer every move. Rollins' hearted laughter played to this scene and his voice continued with the same attitude after Kaz gave up. "Should've brought a gun on me son!" he laughed as he delivered his advice.

He could bring a gun, he could bring his whole crew, but the urge to kill him with his bare hands and stained his clothes with Hertzoon's blood was a virus that have spread all over him, controlling his doings and feelings. If holy water isn't enough to kill the devil, gun would be useless against Pekka Rollins.

The man wiped off tears from laughter and looked at the helpless boy. His hand stretched out to him with the letter between his fingers, his feet erasing the rest of the space. Kaz tried to avoid reading the letter, knowing it won't bring nothing else but additional pain. He often wondered how much of it can still fit in his heart. Of course when his view was filled with Y/N's handwriting and he had no other sight to see, he studied every line. Her signature writing didn't change much, it was still horrible. For a slave, it was a miracle to write at all though. He remembered having trouble to read the love note she'd written him, Jordie wasn't as helpful as he thought he would be, but Kaz lost the need to understand it. He could always find the little heart on every single one of those, that was plenty for him.

This note lacked hearts though, it also was readable and no love was expressed. It was signed by the slavor, Deln she named him. When the letter mentioned Y/N his heart fell. This was the plan to kill him.

"I mean," Pekka began to move his mouth again as he freed Kaz's eyes of the paper, "I'm told to go alone. But I won't mind the company."

He damned his pride for not bringing the gun after all.

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, ep 12-16 thoughts! these episodes, in comparison to the first 10 or so, felt way more laid back and low-stakes, which I appreciate sometimes. I didn't appreciate how lazy jack's halfa design was in masters of time, it made me so annoyed I redesigned it. 👎🏻 u_u

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-'picking a fight with me and my upgraded form!' 'you upgraded to a mullet?' DANNNNY. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO TECHNUS. YOUVE HAD A MULLET TWICE NOW ('fun' split danny, and evil future danny BOTH HAD THEM). I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.

-danny seeing technus hurting valerie and yelling I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF. SAMEEEE <3

-axion labs is now a part of vladco. FUCK YOU VLAD. hes not even really IN this episode, but just thought I'd throw out a nice fuck you anyway.

-'capable of blasting a single person into space in (2) minutes!' tucker. that would kill someone. i mean yeah they might get to space, but theres NO WAY THEY WOULDNT CATCH FIRE, OR THEIR ORGANS WOULDNT LIQUIFY BECAUSE OF THE STRAIN. THEY'D PROBABLY PASS OUT BEFORE THEN, BUT. ...no, okay, I get why vlad bought this company. this is RIGHT up his alley.

-danny KNOWS VAL DIDNT DO THIS, THAT SOMEONE STOLE THE SUIT. AND SPENDING ALL NIGHT CHATTING WITH HER. <3 and val is a 9TH DEGREE BLACKBELT?? danny's mom is, too!! omg and she hunts ghosts, his parents would love her. and her fav fruit is kumquat bc its a funny word. im so with danny val is amazing. I love her and I Do Not Want To Hear It From Sam.

-I knew danny wanted to be an astronaut, but the bowling tidbit is like. yes give me more useless info abt these characters, I love tiny details that make them feel more human, and im glad hes got hobbies aside from ghost stuff, we dont really see a lot of that!!! (I mean, we knew 'fun' danny from when he split himself in half liked bowling, so obv it makes sense he LIKES it, but hes very GOOD at it. so proud of him, bowling king) val calling him neil armstrong and them teasing each other. LOVE THAT.

-technus you are my favorite grandpa for setting this up. SAM WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY BE HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND!!! STOP SPYING ON THEM!!! who actually cares if technus did 'set them up' together, theyre having fun and enjoy each others company!!! 'you think the universe wants you two to be together?' 'i dunno, but maybe /I/ do!' EXACTLY DANNY!!! SOO TRUE.

-and valerie being happy sam said she wants to try and be happy for them and make room at the lunch table for them. and hugging sam over it. VAL NEEDS MORE FRIENDS.

-VAL GOING AFTER TECHNUS IN HER SUIT WITH (1) MILK, AND (1) TREE BRANCH AND KEYS!!!. I LOVE YOUUUU BEST GIRL. her new suit kicks ass

-dannys like 'HEY IM AN ASTRONAUT :D' AW. ...HES IN SPACE... the fact he's actually intending to give her the ring. with SAMS NAME ON IT?? IM CRINGING DANNY NO. YOU CANT DO THAT...thank god he didnt. thank god valerie cut it off and said they can just stay friends for now. tbh, they both have a lot on their plates!! they obv both still like each other...it can be a future thing!! when she knows about phantom! youre 14 theres no need to rush. I just want her to have friends and be happy :(

-...danny struggles to do (1) pull up. SAME. but all the ghost fighting in phantom form REALLY doesnt carry over at ALL? that sucks

-sam being as fit as she is, is not just a goth. shes a goth jock.

-honey I Shrank Our Kid, One of his Enemies, and his Bully: the episode

-dash's crush on phantom is So Obvious. fitness buddies :) watching them interact always makes me laugh. also, phantom, with PANTS. 'how many costume changes you gonna go through, what is this, vegas??' DASSH DJKSFHASKDF

-MADDIE GOING AFTER THE MOUSE WITH A BROOM, WHAT THE FUCK. AAAH. JUST BUY SOME KIND OF MOUSE TRAP.

-danny likes lime and vinegar chips. which sound very good.

-'our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president!' ...poor danny LMAO

-'what's wrong with beauty pageants' oh tucker you sweet naïve child. what ISNT wrong with them. who approved this for a high school?? (I mean, yes. unfortunately child pageants exist, but...) also danny and tucker once again treating the pretty girls like objects. I need to meet the grown man who wrote this, I just want to talk...

-prince aragon's dragon form reminds me of maleficent (color scheme wise) which is always a bonus. considering the episode is called beauty marked, I feel like the sleeping beauty references are deliberate

-sam with the fake fangs. once again her accessories never miss. hate the 'not like other girls, girls who get sucked into this kind of thing are all shallow and all want to be carbon copies' bs tho.

-sam trying to be the Worst Bride, being rude as shit. DORA IS GOING TO GET KILLED. DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE SHE SAID THE PRINCE WILL HAVE HER HEAD IF YOU ARENT THE IDEAL BRIDE. YOU /KNOW/ DANNY WILL COME SAVE YOU. JUST ACT CHILL UNTIL THEN. even if you were doing fine to get him to take off the crown, consider maybe not letting his poor sister get punished also?? sure, she could also take off the crown and has dragon powers, but did you know that for sure?? dora didnt even really realize it until you guys talked!! (or at least, she was scared to stand up to him. you had no guarantee she would...) but. good for dora. ANOTHER friendly ghost to add to the List :)

-tucker is so under appreciated in his time. if he was doing a tech-based campaign today he'd have a better shot. people in 2004 had NO IDEA how much tech would be a part of our day-to-day lives...altho. tbh if you're going to be running for student council president, maybe you should..focus on things to actually improve the school? since he's going for a tech angle, he could say like, he would be running fundraisers for the schools computers to be upgraded, etc? we've already SEEN he can be good at money-making entrepreneur type stuff!!

-oh my god wait. this episode is JUST YUGIOH?????! A REBORN PHAROH USING A TEENAGER AS A VESSEL?? YESSSSSS

-tucker using his new minion to feed him grapes and carry him. AND LOCUSTS ONTO THE BULLIES. I love how when he's possessed, he gains winged eyeliner.

-this episode is giving me big 'plankton makes everyone in bikini bottom his slaves and build monuments of him from the spongebob movie' vibes. and the pharaoh has a traitor who works for him? VERY big yugioh vibes. aknadin confirmed

-I like that danny is still completely exhausted after using ghostly wail. (still patiently waiting on him to get duplication)

-LOVE the fenton's 80s outfits. I get hes 14 and embarrassed by everything they do because theyre his parents, but. cmon, this is one objectively cool thing theyve done. love 80s fashion.

-...was vlad just standing on that streetlight waiting for danny to come out? how'd he know they'd be coming out the back? how long has he been up there???

-oh, wait, his ecto-acne has flareups? that SUCKS. danny was...well I dont want to say he was LUCKY HE HALF-DIED, but he was lucky his was pretty instant (I'm assuming that had to do with the power/scale of the portals being different?) I remember in the ep we met him, vlad made a point of saying he was stuck in a hospital for a long time, so. that really actually sucks and I feel bad. not that it excuses anything he's done...but like. it does suck.

-vlad being so sure danny wouldnt help him he made it somehow contagious to his friends to make sure he'd get help? danny is a nice boy, he wouldve helped if it was anyone else. the only reason he wouldn't have is because of the shit vlad did to him, on purpose. vlad 100% dug his own grave by being the biggest asshole, so it is very hard to feel bad for him.

-clockwork is back!!! and making danny learn lessons The Hard Way. Uhhh, okay. I kind of get Danny’s logic, that time traveling this far back would prevent vlad from becoming a halfa also, ergo no arch nemesis or ectoacne to worry about. But the fact that was basically the first solution Danny came up with to solve this problem is actually so funny. It’s so extreme

-APPRICIATION FOR THESE 80S LESBIAN BG CHARACTERS.

-vlad telling maddie in the lab (in the 80s) he has something he's wanted to tell her 'for a long time'...how long have they known each other? I assumed they met in college, since jack always calls vlad his college buddy/roommate, so jack and vlad for sure met in college, but did vlad know maddie longer? thats surprising if so. Tho we don’t know what year of college they’re in so they could mean they met as freshmen and a few years have past…speaking of maddie shes crushing the 80s look.

-vlad blames jack, but. maybe dont stick your face 2 inches from the portal??! THIS FEELS LIKE LAB SAFETY BASICS. IF SOMETHING HAS POTENTIAL TO BE DANGEROUS, DONT GET NEAR IT. WITH YOUR FACE UNPROTECTED IN ANY WAY. (altho jack didnt really give a Big Warning besides screaming BONZAI. so. also that, but cmon.) also, they need gloves, goggles, and to pull all of their hair back tbh. but fuck lab safety, I guess!

-cryyyyinnng at how lazy they were with jack's ghost form design, its just plasmius' design on jack!!! you couldve given him his own design!!

-there. I did that in about 10 minutes and its somehow less lazy than what made it into the show. embarrassing! better yet, I think the episode would've been better if maddie would've gotten the ectoacne. or maybe its just me, wanting to see her design! anyway. I'm sure people have already done redesigns of them both as halfas. I have to go look after I finish this watch through. Also mildly frustrated jacks resentment and bitterness is basically also a copy paste of vlads backstory. They’re different characters, I really don’t think jack would stew in bitterness and jealousy the same way vlad would!! I also don’t think he’d give up after one time of trying to hunt ghosts and getting laughed at. Our canon timeline says different…I dunno, I get it was for laughs, but I’m annoyed because the POTENTIAL this plot has…

-did vlad really wear a stupid cheese hat to his wedding. ok actually that kinda rules. and the cheese door knocker. the dairy-only buffet table. vlad still got rich, just on being the New Dairy King. (Assuming that means he owns a lot of dairy businesses?) ok! this actually is great. hope maddie isn't lactose intolerant!

-'no matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of my ghost half, the half I knew Maddie could never accept' ohh, ouch, what a horrible thing to say to her HALF GHOST SON. 'YOUR MOM WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU' BASICALLY.

-maddie strapping danny to the table with a lazer pointed at him in a secret lab she keeps from vlad that she makes a point of saying is sound proof so he can scream all he wants...CHRIST. DANNYS POOR PYSCHE.

-also, not to feel bad for alternate vlad (because, he did lie to maddie saying jack blames her and never wants to see her again...) but. being married to a woman 20+ years and she immediately goes back to jack? if she didnt love vlad and feels like she had to hide shit from him, and says she wasted her best years with him, WHY MARRY HIM. it feels like leading him on!!! cannot believe im feeling bad for vlad, but. this alternate timeline vlad is significantly Less Horrible than Our Vlad. did she not think she'd get funding for her ghost stuff? (which, fair assumption since they're considered 'ghost fanatics/nuts in canon...but...) why did she think jack or vlad would be her ONLY OPTIONS? be like your sister. be single. Actually, this au could’ve been really interesting if after the accident, vlad lied to her and said jack never wanted to see her again, but she stays single. Imagine how much that would bug vlad… like, in her mind, it was never a competition it was jack or no one type situation…

-danny being like 'leave him ALONE' this jack is a HOMEWRECKER, DANNY. let them go to court and settle this at the least. ...or just throw vlad into the portal. (100% human, defenseless vlad) CHRIST, MADDIE THATS BRUTAL. THATS MURDER.

-danny seeing his mom immediately accepting him and his dad being half ghosts in this universe, if I was him this would be a great sign that his universe's maddie would also.

-*maddie voice* "clockwork will help!" *2 seconds later, with clockwork* "I will Not Help." TOUGH LOVE KING. YES LET DANNY SEE THE SODA HIMSELF AND DEVOLP BETTER OBSERVATION SKILLS.

-when clockwork ""reset time to the way it was"" just before danny "meddled"" ...did he really erase a whole alternate timeline? ...damn. because maddie and danny both called it an alternate timeline by name, it splitting when the college incident went different, so it wouldnt have really mattered if he reset it, right. like because danny's timeline is on a different stream? why didnt clockwork just. show danny a replay and not Reset That Timeline. wh...I wonder how many people that Erased From Existence. Anyway! once again stating clockwork is casually terrifying!

[thoughtfulpaperback]

TV show quiz

Pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions. Don’t cheat. Tag 10 peeps. 

1. Ugly Betty

2. Single Parents

3. Charmed (Reboot)

4. Big Little Lies

5. Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

1.  Who is your favorite character in 2?

Omg. This is actually really difficult because I loved all the characters, but if i have to pick a favorite it would be Douglas Fogerty. He tries so hard to be a caricature of this "old school macho man" but her just cant hide the fact that he is more complex and sensitive than he let's on and he is too hilarious. Brad Garret in my opinion is just one of the funniest actors without trying. Loved him since Everybody Loves Raymond.

2. Who is your least favorite character in 1? Oh super easy! Matt Hartley. He was whiny, a complete jerk, and completely unfocused as a character. Like he was never a good boyfriend or standout the way Gio or Henry were. And I mean the henry relationship was problematic and Gio was never actually Betty's boyfriend. So Matt is really the only romantic relationship (not prepared to end or started in the after math of a breakup) that we see and to me he is absolutely meh and just an asshole at his worse. A lot of people compare him with Daniel but again maybe because of the way Daniel is written or because of how Eric played him I just never felt so absolutely disgusted with Daniel the way I was with Matt at certain points in the series. I was unhappy that betty got back with him after everything he had done to her.

3. What is your favorite episode of 4?

Oh hands down season 1 episode 7. The season finale. As much as I love and respect Renata Klein's season 2 melt downs and every episode she just let's people have it. I will always have the scene of Perry's attack and death imbeded in my minds. It was so beautifully done. Which seems wierd because death scenes are usually supposed to be violent or sad not beautiful. But the scene managed to still be violent and even a little sad (mostly because of the aftermath and shock that that happened and the characters went through that), but the was something about the scene cutting between the attack and images of the ocean beating waves against the rocks that just made it so powerful along with september song playing in the background. I mean it was just beautiful I cannot use that word enough.

5. Who is your favorite couple in 3?

Like actual couples or the ones in my mind? Lol. Sticking with canon then I would say Mel and Niko. In spite of everything they cared and loved each other and it was sad that Mels decisions and life changing dramatically got in the way of that.

6. Who is your favorite couple in 2?

Poppy and Douglas. Hands down since they are the only official couple so far.

7. What is your favorite episode of 1?

This is terrible I cant just pick one, but I guess if I have to it is a toss up between the very first episode and the last episode of the series. Both were done so well imo and ugh both gave me feels. So. Many. Feels.

8.What is your favorite episode of 5?

The Passion of Sabrina Spellman. Madam Satan. Nick. A Play and the devil on your shoulder. Everything I wanted in one episode.

9. What is your favorite season of 2?

Only one season in the series so far.

10. How long have you watched 1?

From the beginning (2006) and every year since it ended (2010). So over 10 years now.

11. How did you become interested in 3?

Fan of OG. Thought it was gonna be cool to see POC leads and new magic outside of white eurocentric magic and history. I do not regret it. I love it.

12.   Who is your favorite actor in 4?

Laura Dern. No contest even though I love them all.

13. Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5?

Ugly Betty is probably my first love in terms of TV show infatuation. I have loved many shows and even ones before Ugly Betty. But It was my first real love. And I will always be my preference. It has everything, personal and political messages, comedy, drama, and some borderline mystic moments (see mexico trip and subconscious manifestations of guilt as a reference).

14. Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3 ?

Obviously, Ugly Betty since it has more episodes than the Charmed Reboot, but I've watched all the episodes of both series.

15. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be?

Madeline because even though she got those personal demons. Her husband (imo) is the best and even when he is a snarky passive aggressive jerk I still would want to be with him and find him just lovable. Also chloe is a pretty great kid. Yah the eldest daughter kinda sucks, but you know I feel like domestic life wouldnt be so bad. If I got to keep my personality. But I mean If i had to become the character fully and make the same decisions then none of them.

16. Would a crossover between 3 and 4 work?

No. They are way to different in styles, genre, and filming.

17. Pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple.

Detty is canon as far as I am concerned and so right that I wont list it even though my sister suggested it (mostly to be spiteful :p). You know I just cant think of one. Not one I would be okay with at least. Sorry.

18. Overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5?

Oh CAOS. No competition. I prefer Charmed and its characters, but COAS has a clearer and obviously well planned direction. Everything that they did had purpose and intention and it didnt feel as if there were dropped characters or plot points imo.

19. Which has the better theme music, 2 or 4?

Ok so what do we mean by theme music? Like opening main title song or like score, or song choice in between score and silence? If it is main title song then for sure BLL. Michael Kiwanuka is amazing. I loved the cover of "sometimes I feel like a motherless child" that he did for the Man in the High Castle Resistance Radio Album. And his song Cold Heart is amazing and I am glad BLL used it. Single parents doesnt have a main title song so BLL would win by default even if they hadn't used Cold Heart but hey still glad they did.

Alrighty gonna randomly tag some peeps and see if they want to play along.

Soo.... @gellsbellshead @scousesal @charmedbrujas @charmedlifesworld @brujeria-histeria @charmedwhitelighter @autistic-witchlighter @theballetslippertheblackhoodie

[firethesound]

OMG YOU WROTE A FIC AHHHHH dont mind me i am just going off to ao3 and dropping everything to read it! I just love everything you write and EVERYTHING YOU POST i am so so so happy to have found your writing i enjoy it so much its so wholesome and you make the characters feel young and immature while still being all the post-war grown up and they just go about their lives like normal people. SO GOOD.

I really truly loved impracticality because it was my first one of ryours to read and it simply HOOKED ME IN, TOTALLY SUCKED ME IN I CANT FIND BETTER WORDS TO EXPRESS MYSELF. i finished all the others you posted on ao3 excluding just Clocks because ahhh. Everything you write is different yet with the same writing style. its fucking perfect thats what it is. I loved all secrets because they grew into their roles and those tattoos oh my god and the sweet sweet relationship-

TLMB where they CHOOSE to bond with each other and not cuz they have to. ALSO LOVED SHITFARTS. PERFECT. matchmaker OH MAN SO GOOD. 4D holy shit i have never laughed so much over penis jokes fuck i almost died of laughter- BABY! mpreg!! it was so good to see draco's reaction oh man so worth it! YSM! AHHH DEAGE which is not icky the least and OMG THOSE FLYING HEARTS HA AH and that scene where draco is like was i obvious and harry is like what i am obvious ??

PLOT! I WAS LAUGHING because that title acro was plot and it didnt have any and i thought it was a brilliant pun there! Blue sunny day! vamp fics squick me but i trust you so much and this WAS SO GOOD this was perfect the way it was handled with the hopeful ending and the beautiful morning they would spend with each other ahhhhh so good HOW DO YOU WRITE SO GOOD I AM SO IN LOVE WITH IT. Moon! pardon me buti usually dont read T fics BUT THIS WAS 160K AND I HAD TO.

i had read secrets and that had plot and i knew the plot in this one would be better to read and if you didnt have E in it, its totally your choice whic you made consciusly. AND BOY I LOVED IT SO MUCH. the angst killed me but the sweeet flow of the writing made me feel so good and the original (i read before, since it was linked) made me so intrigued to see how you would dab with it. I LOVE YOUR STYLE. I THANK THE GODS FOR GIVING YOU THIS AND FOR YOU TO HONE THIS SKILL!

Tuesday! oh man! i loved how potter didnt sympathise with draco but was like yeah dont worry this phase passes mate and oh yeah here is your key to that old palace of a place js and draco like uhhh i am not breaking up i just wanted to clean before you moved in cus god knows you dont know how to keep the place clean so just move in yeah? GOOD SHIT. Revolvevlover! oh man i had soo many feelings for this! I truly loved the flow, i KNEW IMMEDIATELY WHERE ZEIT WAS INVOLVED -

Because if anybody writes magic with suhc concrete bedazzling explanations (as in azoth, all time fave EVER) its zeitgeistic and you both meshed your two startlingly beautiful and unique styles into one and gave us a Grey Harry and Justified draco fic that simply blinded me in its brilliance! IT WAS PERFECT THANK YOU BLESS YOU. the ending was so good so well crafted because even if they both escaped, i dont think they would get together. they would choose to leave each other and -

heal and harry has to start having and experiencing feelings for the first time in a long time. draco deserves better and hence they would choose a good five year time off (however long) and when they meet, maybe in a place like a wineyard or a garden because i am a sap and i always feel like the best way to heal is to start connecting with the earth and let it heal you. and then they both can have the happy ending they deserve. together, hopefully. but not immediately.

sorry for the spam but i had a rush of feelings seeing you update on ao3 and i couldnt help myself from gushing about everything you wrote to you ha ha I have been following you for a while and have seen a couple of posts where you hinted on writer's block and its totally completely understandable so seeing you post just made my day and gave me hope in this cloudy day. thank you so much. your writing moves me and i hope i conveyed that in my message. you deserve so much praise! THANK YOU!!

Holy fuck. I have just about combusted into a total mess of blushing and flail. This is just the most wonderful message, it was pretty much the first thing I saw this morning when I woke up, and here I am this evening and it’s still been the best part of my day. Thank you so much for these wonderful messages, I am filled with joy and am unbelievably flattered that you’ve read all my fic and can comment on them like this one right after the other!

Yep, writer’s block has unfortunately been a thing with me this year. It’s been ages since the last time I’d posted fic back in... oh goodness. April. I was actually kind of nervous to be posting fic again after so long with nothing, and it really means so much to me to hear that it made your day! Thank you thank you thank you for writing to me

I’m also going to tag @lol-zeitgeistic on this, because zeit definitely needs to see that someone’s said nice things about revolvevlover and Azoth.

[not-a-big-slay]

Until it doesn't hurt

kaz brekker x fem!reader

summary: betrayal leaves some wounds behind, but even more questions when you can't figured out from whom it really came from.

warnings: swearing, domestic abuse, blood, talking about murder, talking about suicide

A/N: IM BACK BITCHES! sorry that wasnt polite. omg it felt soo good writing this fic again! my writer's block for this is now gone, but idk if chapters will come out in any order, but they will be comin'! im sorry if this fic feels kinda rushed, i guess its the excitement to finally be back. thank you for the support on my other fics, i have another one coming soon! love you and welcome back here :)

part: 10/?

previous part: part 9

next part: part 11

masterlist

taglist (you know the drill, comment to be added) :

@chickencouncilrep

@venomsvl

@happy-nico

im sorry for tagging you if are no longer interested

"You be a good girl."

She heard these words only when new customers came. Or better yet, victims. Y/N let her pity display on her face just a minute before pushing her lips up, letting her teeth shine while her long blonde hair strands danced with every move. It was an identical routine over and over again: greeting the people coming through the door, smiling shyly while playing their feelings like a guitar. Then, after maybe 2 weeks a friend of "Hertzoon", "a Kerch captain" entered the scene and told them all about some cane fields being flooded and how sugar stocks will be low for a while, that's how he trapped the innocent.

For Y/N, it got boring. Everyday was the same, the same lines, the same scene, the same story. The people were different, but it didn't matter if she stayed the same. Everytime they scammed people, she left hell, and everytime new guys came in, she entered it. Y/N out, Saskia in. She felt like an actress in a very cheap theater that can only afford one show they play all the time, her sketchbook was soon to be covered by straight lines, counting the days. She felt like a prisoner, yet was sure that it would be better behind bars.

A warm voice of her mother awakened her, giving her a cue to stand behind her long dress and act shy. After a little introduction that Y/N quietly repeated in her mind, it was her time to shine. With the words "And this is my little girl, Saskia." she wanted to tell the people to run, expose Rollins and save them, but the urge to do so got smaller and smaller with every group passing by, so she only smiled and hid behind her mother. Maybe these will get lucky.

------

Her feet picked up the pace, hurting, but she pushed them forward. She can't let them catch up, not this time. She planned it all, wasted nights and her only free time. Everything will be for nothing if you won't be faster she said to herself, stopping for a bit to take a sharp turn. The moon and the stars lit her way and the waves, crashing into the harbor, cheered her on. People kept looking as she ran by, but luckily no one cared enough to stop her. After another turn, the buildings became familiar. This was usually where her owners caught her or where Deln was already waiting. However, she took another turn, a different route, longer but maybe life-saving one. The girl risked a glance behind her, seeing only a few people passing by in the bad light, Moon could only do so much for her.

A cautious happiness glimpsed inside her as her owners were nowhere to find. A glimpse, because the moment it appeared, she tripped thanks to someone's foot. "No, " the girl repeated quietly, "please please no". She rolled over, ready for a sharp pain to come. Yet once her eyes recognized the figure, the glimpse rised in her chest again.

‎

"Mom!"

‎

Y/N got up and stared into her mother's eyes. It was such a long time without seeing them. When they met hers, she lunged her arms forward, closing her mom in a tight hug. Tears couldn't hold the urge to hug her mother as well and escaped through the girl's eyes to do so. Y/N smiled once her mom's scent got into her nose. She felt save, a feeling that became so foreign to her in the past 2 years. The woman put a hand on her back and squeezed her lightly before pulling away. Y/N's smile fell a little after seeing the face of her mother. She expected to see fear, happiness, sadness, even anger in her features, anything.

Yet her face was empty. So, so empty that Y/N could fall into the hole her mother displayed. Her eyes caressed the girl, making her feel almost uncomfortable with their dead gaze. She looked deceased, only her body working like on a command. Y/N would be convinced of that theory if her mother didn't speak: "Come on, we have a boat to catch."

She grabbed her hand and pulled it harshly towards the harbors. The Moon was worried of her as it slowly fell asleep, leaving the space for the Sun. Y/N didn't know what was happening, but she was tired and stressed out that she just followed her mother, trying to squeez her hand as hard as she did hers.

------

Their new home in Novyi Zem stood on a field with a beautiful view at the sunset and lovely neighbors gave them a warm feeling of safety. Y/N liked to spend her time outside, alone preferably, but when a kid joined her activities, she didn't mind at all, usually it meant staying outside longer, which she aimed for. Everything was better than going back home.

Her mother didn't speak more than a sentence to her. After boarding on a boat in Ketterdam, Y/N thought that she might just be scared as her, not speaking out of fear, and gave her time to open up. However, she never did. Once in their new home, Y/N's mother became colder, even though their house was warmer than anything Y/N experienced. Her mother fed her only lunch, leaving her daughter to make something herself and went to sleep early at night. The girl knew she was going to sleep whenever her bedroom door harshly closed. Y/N never asked why, she just put up with it. She soon found that ignoring was a great way of doing so.

Things became worse when her cold mood changed into anger.

Y/N missed being avoided after the first week of insults. "You shouldn't eat that much, you don't deserve it.". "Who told you you could play with kids? They don't want you there.". "You should really think about how selfish and horrible you are.". Her mother carelessly said things that hurt her, made her cry before sleep and change her view at life. She watched as her mother, her only comfort, her reason to keep going, slowly faded into the only danger present in her life. She felt her heart transform the love for her parent to fear. Their house that kept her safe and relaxed soon changed into a haunted place, killing her good mood whenever she stepped in.

Her mother's words, unbeknowst to Y/N, cut through her head, filling it with doubt. She felt weak when her mother said so, she felt selfish and spoiled. Even without any proof, she knew she was everything her mother said. That's when she started to punish her every mistake.

But in 14, her mind gained clarity. She became aware that some things her mother says aren't correct and started to ask the question she should've long ago. Why? After not finding a reason, she made the mistake of asking her.

When her bedroom door slammed against the frame, Y/N knocked and entered. When she heard her sobs, she stopped. Her mom was always so harsh and cold that she forgot she had any other emotion except hatred. It awoke a warm feeling in her, something she never thought she would feel again for her. Her foot took a slow step forward. "Mom?"

The sobs stopped immidiately. Y/N looked at the small light on the bedstand, seeing her mother's reflection. "What do you want?" said a harsh voice, covering the girl's found empathy with fear. "How dare you to speak to me!" yelling, she got up from the bed and stood in front of Y/N. She frowned. Even with all the hatred she felt from her mother, she didn't feel frightened. Not now, not in this moment.

"What do you mean?"

Her mother's mouth opened, shock widened her eyes as she spoke loudly: "You little spoiled monster!". She stepped closer to Y/N, making her take a step back. Yet the girl still stood tall, her bravery rose on top. "Why are you calling me like this? All I did was ask a question and you act as if I just yelled at you. Why do you treat me so horribly?" she began, taking a step forward, pressuring her flabberghasted mother to retreat. Her eager kept her talking, encouraging her buried anger to dig itself up: "I haven't done anything that would give you reason for this. Why do you do this? Why are you so awful?!".

All of the adrenaline bursted in the last line, but was unexpectedly gone and in it's way quickly stepped pain. Y/N fell to her side, feeling her cheek burn. She hit her. She hit her hard. The girl froze when she realized, on the contrary, her mother was on the move, grabbing Y/N by her hand and slamming her back on the ground. "You fucking brat! You took everything from me!" she screamed and kicked her. "You ruined everything, I was happy and you fucking spoiled it!" Y/N crawled on the ground away from her mother, her cries matching the tone of her screams as the woman followed her.

"YOU MADE HIM HATE ME!"

She yelled, kicking Y/N in the face. The girl sobbed and curled into a ball. Tears streamed faster when she felt a hot drop running from her nose. Y/N suspected that her mother fell in love with Pekka Rollins, she also saw the way he manipulated her. Her love for him wasn't pure, it was constructed by him, implated in her. He controlled her while she thought she had the upper hand. Genius, he was a great asshole. Y/N had fought with him, not loudly, mentally, sending obvious signals and doing obvious little things to let him know she despises him. Her mother noticed as well as he did and probably blamed her for him disappearing and returning them to Deln.

Not an asshole. A devil.

It was hard to discern which pain hurt worse, on the outside or inside. Y/N lied there, crying for a long time. Her mother went with no words and another loud slam of the door back to her room. Her cries filled the room and the dark hugged her tightly, her tears mixed with blood flowed on the ground. But there was a weight missing. Something went away, like a boot finally stepping off of her back. Something that soon took her tears with it and she felt as if she could relax now.

This feeling was dead to her. And her mother was too.

‎

‎

"After that, I became a hitman."

Kaz looked at her, she still couldn't see behind his tall walls, but she felt listened. "And I swore I wouldn't come back to her." she finished the story and looked on the ground beneath her chair. The floor was darker then before, it pointed her gaze on the chandelier that shined less and less with every passing hour. Hour, they were here 3 hours now. Does she really have that long of a history? It all seemed like it happened yesterday. Shift in Kaz's position distracted her from her thoughts. Y/N realized that he now knows everything about her.

Not everything.

She couldn't say the most painful part of her past, the one that still haunts her in her sleep, everynight as she begins to think her life is getting better. "Are you gonna say anything?" Y/N stopped her mind before it could remind her of that again and broke the long silence the two of them were holding. She needed him to speak, she longed for this moment, she never knew it would be possible to tell Kaz about everything, but exactly that began 3 hours ago and he didn't utter a word yet. He took in a deep breath, extending Y/N's torture. "Well," he began, "She was right in one thing.". Y/N's breath latched, patiently waiting on the following words, deep down already knowing them.

"You are a monster"

Her eyes widened, desperatly searching for a sense of sarcasm while her heart tried not to collapse. But it failed, as did her eyes. Kaz's face was unfazed, like he just told her the sky is blue. His eyes were cold, as if she did not just pour her heart out. She got up from her chair fastly, having to search for balance once on her feet. She felt betrayed, tears rushed above when she backed away from him. "You are just as guilty as he is."

"Stop." she warned him, her look not leaving him until she reaches the door, she was scared what he could do to her if her eyes let go of him. "You talk about all the pain you had to go through, pitying yourself and not the lives you took." he spat, making her jump. "STOP" she ordered loudly and desperatly grabbed the empty space behind her, trying to find the handle. "Trust me, the only thing worth pity is the horrible lie that you didn't secretely enjoy killing us all.". Y/N cried out loud when she found the door, quickly opening it and running out. Her feet didn't go very far and she slipped down on the ground along a wall.

Her heart fastened to beat it away, tears took it with them when they ran down her cheeks, her sobs yelled it out and her exhales dragged it out to the deserted hallways, but none of that made the pain disappear. Y/N put her hands on her ears, but it was too late as the voices were already there, repeating every single word he said. She trusted him blindly, she trusted his nice act and the sweet sound when he said her name, her real name. All of that got her to hope he had forgiven her, that he was ready to listen. He took her broken heart and glued it together, only so he could smash it in smaller pieces.

The same she did to him.

That hit her like a bullet through her heart. She did this as well. She promised to fix his sad heart after his father died, then drowned it in the tides. She did this, he only got revenge. Y/N didn't think she could hurt even more, but as the realization came to her, the pain flooded her entire being. She is a monster. Her mother was right. Kaz was right.

She wanted to avenge him by killing Rollins while she should really kill herself.

Y/N was only aware she was crying when her tears formed a little puddle her hand got wet in. However her mind was clearer than ever.

She will kill Rollins, for her revenge.

And then kill herself for Kaz's.

-----------------------------

It pained.

He never felt pain this intense before and definitely didn't expect it now. He hurt her, but maybe hurt himself even more. Kaz always makes plans that wont backfire and will meet his expectations, but right now he felt defeated. Even though it went as planned, he felt monstrous. His heart ached while his eyes got wet. Dirtyhands never cries, and definitely not for her.

When he saw her tied to the chair, he saw the opporturnity to get even, for him and for Jordie. He could just push the trigger and she would be just a terrifying memory as she always was for him, yet he didn't. Not that he couldn't, he didn't want to, and that's what he feared. He wanted her to live, he wanted to hear her story, he wanted to forgive her. He was being nice to her because he wished to be, cursing himself for it in private. That's why he had to do this, he had to know he could still pull the trigger, he still needed her dead.

Yet now, he felt like he killed himself.

Y/N was a victim just as he was. She didn't ask for Rollins to use her as a pawn in his treacherous plan. She was just a slave, put in the place of Saskia against her will and then returned once she was irrelevant. He knew it all, and that made it harder. If he wouldn't chase the knowledge and just painted Y/N as the villain, the bullet would pearce through her brain and he wouldn't be now clutching his fists 'till they're white. The look of betrayel in her eyes was the fuel for his nightmares and another reason he was called a demon. His plan to stop caring made him care more. She didn't deserve it. He took a deep breath, sucking in his emotions, locking them behind a lock even he cannot pick and set his mind on the next goal.

He will kill Rollins.

For Jordie.

For Kaz Rietvield.

For Y/N.

‎

For Y/N.