#only for link to try to explain he may or may not have gotten sidetracked and carried away and his hand slipped and oopsie he bought a house

[higuchisora]

Absolutely OBSESSED with the fact that they lowkey made totk zelink coded and then proceeded to give players the option of buying and making a whole other house in a different part of the fucking map while your totally-not-girlfriend is missing. Like. Imagine the conversation they have after they reunite and she's ready to go home.

[justsomekpopstuff]

Slip Up (Jaeyoon College!AU)

Requested by @jin-hua

Pairing: Jaeyoon x Reader

MASTERLIST: to find it, just look up “justsomekpopstuff masterlist” on my blog, since external links still are not fixed. It should be in there. Sorry about the inconvenience!

A/N: Guess who finally decided to write for once! I can’t promise being consistent, but I’ll try and post some more stuff in the future. I’m sorry this took so long!

Student: Kim Jaeyoon

Major: Nursing

he is definitely one of the more well known faces on campus as well

he’s the smiley overly-confident nursing major than can make friends with anyone

he was originally part of the freshman orientation committee until he started going off-script and telling campus secrets to scare the incoming freshman

however, Youngbin, Inseong, and Dawon still name drop him for the younger ones just in case they need a helpful, tea-spilling upperclassman to help them around campus

obviously he has to wear scrubs a lot because of his major

he loves wearing the pink scrubs the most

he says its because he looks the best in them and he does look really good

but he also loves them because they are the softest and most comfortable

he also thinks his butt looks amazing in scrubs

and it does

he gets teased constantly by the campus dudebros who are always like “nUrSiNg iS a GiRlS mAjOr”

and sometimes it does get frustrating

but he takes it in stride because he knows that if they ever get injured or sick and they go to the student health center 

guess who is going to have to treat them

that’s right

him

on top of that, he knows that if they even tried saying that to him around the rest of the group

they will have hell to pay

but most of all, he just loves helping take care of people

and, his welcoming and generally upbeat and extroverted personality really helps him as a nurse, even if he can be a bit hyper

so, he decided to become a pediatric nurse

he could be hyper and energetic and help anyone who comes into the pediatric ward

even though he does have that bright personality, he is constantly tired

not like a lethargic “I’m dying inside” tired

but like, the delirious “I will say anything that comes into my mind” kind of tired

its mainly caused by the long hours that he has to work interning and shadowing other nurses but he doesn’t mind

he loves what he does, so he can’t complain

because of the rigorous nature of his major, he doesn’t really have time for clubs

but, he’ll always make time for the people he cares about

however, its exactly his busy schedule that caused him to meet you

by some miracle, he had gotten off at a decent hour from his shift at the campus health center

it was snowing and cold by the time he got out, so he was extremely glad he decided to bring his snow boots with them

you, however, were not so lucky

you had actually gotten off late from your shift at the bookstore on campus

you hadn’t paid attention to the weather, so not only were you tired, but you were also now wet and cold and now attempting to watch your step as you remember where exactly you parked your car

but of course, the universe had other plans for you

right as you start to approach your car, you manage to step on the biggest, slipperiest patch of ice in the lot, sending you straight to the ground in a boatload of pain

thankfully, Jaeyoon’s car was on the same isle, and he was there to witness you falling

he gasped as you landed, knowing full well that you likely hurt yourself, and he carefully made his way over to you

he knelt down next to you carefully and began to examine for any potential bleeding or injury just like he was trained to do

only once he had done his check did he talk to you

“Hey, hey are you okay? You took a pretty big fall”

all you could do was groan in response, feeling more sore than anything

he knew that even though he didn’t see anything, he should probably get you to the health center just to make sure that you weren’t seriously injured

“Hey, I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to lift you up okay? We gotta get you to the health center to make sure you aren’t really hurt”

he scooped you up easily into a fireman’s carry, carefully making his way back across the parking lot to the health center

as soon as he got inside, he placed you on a chair in the waiting room, draping his jacket across your shoulders to keep you warm

he ran to find his supervisor to tell them what happened, and then came back out to wait with you until you could be seen by one of the nurses

“Y’know, if I weren’t in so much pain I’d be asking you on a date,” you quipped through a groan of pain and a state of delirium

“Well, let’s see how you feel after you get checked out by the nurse” he chuckled

he didn’t notice it before because he was too busy trying to be professional and make sure you were okay, but he had to admit

you were pretty cute yourself

and your light-hearted flirting even while you were hurting was pretty endearing to say the least

you two continued to talk back and forth for a bit before a nurse finally came out to check you out

you thanked him and said your goodbyes, and as you walked back to one of the examination rooms, he walked back out into the snow, smiling brightly to himself

he made a mental note to find you later to check up on you, and maybe take you up on that date suggestion

turns out you were not seriously injured - just a whole lot of bruising and getting the wind knocked out of you

you were thankful that Jaeyoon had brought you in to get checked because you knew it could have been a whole lot worse if he wasn’t there

a few weeks later, and you still hadn’t seen him

you had wanted to thank him for his help and apologize for being so straightforward about asking him on a date

however, if he was actually interested, you wouldn’t be mad if he accepted anyway

you were paired up with Youngbin for a debate project for one of your classes

You met up at the library in one of the meeting rooms to try and get some work done but naturally you both got sidetracked and began to think about other things, one of which being your big slip the other day in the parking lot

“You know, I have this one friend, Jaeyoon who’s a nursing major. He’s been really down in the dumps recently because he can’t find someone he met the other day because they slipped in the parking lot. Maybe that was you?”

“Oh my god THAT WAS ME” you whisper yelled

Youngbin’s eyes went wide and he whipped out his phone, typing furiously before he snapped back up to you

“You wouldn’t happen to have class after this would you?”

“No, why?”

“...No reason...” he spoke suspiciously looking back at his notes

about five minutes later, you heard frantic footsteps approach the meeting room 

the door flew open, revealing a very sweaty Jaeyoon, in his usual pink scrubs, looking around frantically

“You!” he panted “You’re okay?”

you were still a bit startled from him practically kicking to door down but you managed to nod your head yes

“The nurse said it was just some bruising and the wind knocked out of me, thankfully,” you breathed, and you could visibly see him relax

he walked over and slumped into one of the extra chairs

“I’m glad to hear that,” he continued panting

“I’m sorry, are you okay?”

“Yeah...I just...kinda sprinted up here...to y’know...make sure you were okay”

“That’s very sweet of you,” you told him as you slid over your coffee for him to sip

he took it thankfully, and his breathing eventually became more even

“Y’know I wanted to say thank you for helping me that night. I know it could have been a lot worse if someone hadn’t been there. I guess I really lucked out because you’re a nursing major”

“No problem at all. I’m always happy to help. Its why I’m so good at my major...I didn’t mean that to sound like a brag...I just...really like what I do” he attempted to explain

You chucked as his cheeks turned even pinker than they had been when he sprinted into the room

“I also wanted to apologize about what I may have said...I’m not usually very forward...I was just in a daze from the slip and it was probably really awkward...”

“No not at all,” he smiled, “I thought it was...very cute”

now it was your turn to blush, especially because his smile was so blinding you had to smile yourself

“You know, I do want to take you up on that date offer. I’m busy this week doing rounds but I have this weekend off. Want to do something?”

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot”

“AW YOU TWO ARE SO CUTE LOOK AT YOU!” Youngbin squealed (yes squealed), causing the two of you to jump

the two of you were so caught up in your moment that you completely forgot he was there

but the smile on both boy’s faces was enough to let you know that you had made the right choice

and surely enough, after the next couple of dates you two had, you were absolutely sure that you had made the right choice

being Jaeyoon’s s/o was always an adventure for you

because he was a nursing major, he barely had time to breathe let alone spend time with people

however, he always made time for you

you put yourself in charge of making sure he took care of himself no matter what

he developed a habit of not doing that before he started seeing you, and that was certainly not going to happen on your watch

you made sure he knew that he deserved to be cared for just as much as he cared for others

and so, whenever the two of you got the chance, you would take him out for his favorite food and a night out

or have him over for a night in, the two of you in comfy pj’s, face masks on, and both your favorite movies playing all night

also

you make sure he knows he looks damn good in those pink scrubs

every time you see him come out in them you always make sure to make a scene, complimenting him

naturally he owns every bit of it, walking like a model and showing off

but on the inside he is just melting with love, and he feels so soft for you he could explode

it usually looks a little something like 

“hey babe, look at you! Those scrubs...is it hot in here?” as you begin to fan yourself, pretending to swoon

“You know it honey *internal screaming*” he replies as he poses for you. 

and naturally, because you were dating Jaeyoon, you immediately joined the squad of people who will fight anyone who picks on him for being a nursing major

one time you heard one of the jocks making fun of Jaeyoon’s pink scrubs while you were out for tea with some of the boys

it took Rowoon, Dawon, and even Youngbin to hold you back from dropkicking them immediately in the middle of the cafe

Jaeyoon didn’t think he could love you any more than he already did, but when he was told about what happened, his love for you grew even more

he knew that you cared deeply about him, just as he did for you

he knew that he would love you forever, slip ups and all

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Thirteen: Another Day ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uchiha Itachi ] [ SasuHina, pregnancy ] [ Verse: A Light Amongst Shadows ] [ AO3 Link ]

It’s just another day. Just gotta get through one more day.

So has been the approach of Uchiha Sasuke regarding his life after the war. And it’s not been easy. At first, he found himself completely stripped of his purpose. Losing to Naruto - or rather, conceding to Naruto - had signaled an end to a phase of the avenger’s life. One that - though changing - had remained a constant for a decade. Have a goal. One goal. Stick to it until reaching the end. Adjust as need be.

First had been vengeance against Itachi. Then justice in his brother’s name against the village that had used him. After their meeting in the war, and the discussion the the Hokage, he’d had one last iteration: bring the battle to an end...and then use the circumstances to wipe clean the slate of shinobi. Remove the Kage. Ensnare the beasts. Use his newfound power to bring peace absolute, even if it meant resigning himself to the shadows.

He’d accepted that role. Made peace with it.

But, as usual...Naruto got in his way.

It was for the better, he supposes...even if some aspects, to him, remain necessary. Mostly regarding the shape and path forward of the shinobi world. Once he’d been healed and made whole (physically, at least), he’d left Konoha behind with a pilgrimage in mind. With plans to see the world and its new beginnings in every land, every village.

But then he’d gotten a bit...sidetracked.

And now, here he is, with not only a brother returned to him, but a cousin as well. And a police force under his command, in joint effort with the Hyūga. Which had led (at least in part) to his meeting the woman he wakes up to on this fine day.

Hinata’s still asleep, lying on her back as to best compensate for her rather voluminous stomach. Within grows their future firstborn, who’s finally letting her sleep in for once.

Managing to spare a few minutes to watch her, Sasuke eventually has to concede to a need to rise. Even if his wife is on maternity leave, he still has a job to do...bright and early, as he does nearly every day.

His morning routine is quick and basic, up and out the door in less than half an hour. As she always does, Hinata’s left him a breakfast to eat on the road to the station. He finishes just as he reaches the front door.

“Uchiha-sama!” A young Hyūga recruit snaps to attention. “The captain of the ANBU was here earlier, sir! He requested an immediate audience.”

...shit. That’s not good. Suddenly far more awake, Sasuke presses for details. “Where?”

“I...I think he’s just been waiting in your office, sir.”

A nod. “Thanks.”

He wastes no time in striding down the hall, entering the proper room and locking it behind himself. Itachi leans in a corner, dressed in ANBU gear, minus the mask. “Itachi? What -?”

“I need your assistance on a case.”

“...me as an officer, or me as an Uchiha?”

“The latter.”

Sasuke’s visible eye narrows. “...it happened again?”

“...it did. Worse this time.”

“Where?”

“My front door.”

“What?!”

A hand raises against his loud tone. “Thankfully that means it’s really only visible to us, tucked away in the compound. I’d like to keep word of it that way, as well.”

Sasuke pauses, trying to think. “...what did it say?”

“The usual. Threats, a list of our crimes...but no one claiming it. Whoever it was, must have been skilled. Someone would have noticed them otherwise. This wasn’t some run-of-the-mill dissenter against the Uchiha. This was someone serious.”

“I take it you moved your family?”

“I did. I’d have done the same for you, but the words were rather specific in targeting me this time. If you’d like, I can still have Hinata fetched. Shisui took the rest to the Hokage tower this morning.”

Sasuke runs an irritated hand back through his hair. “So much for having this be just another day…” Pause. “...I think that’s best. Until we can go over the scene and find out more. I don’t want to run in the face of a threat, but…”

“I know. I feel the same. We have people we can’t dare to risk.” With that, Itachi replaces his weasel facade. “I’ll dispatch a few of my officers. If things get bad enough, the missus suggested taking herself, the kids, and Hinata to her home in the mountains.”

“With the pair of them pregnant?”

“She’s capable, and you forget her teacher lives there as well. They’d be safe, and far from harm’s way...not to mention under rather strict defense.”

Sasuke can’t help a scowl. “...I don’t want our clan driven out of Konoha again.”

“Neither do I. But their safety is priority.”

“...I know.”

With that, the pair abandon the station and return to the Uchiha compound, the only three structures standing out rather obviously in the otherwise-empty district. Giving his home a glance, Sasuke instead follows Itachi to the main manor.

And then balks.

Carved into the front door is a vulgar message, within which is contained a number of threats, and foreboding warnings against Itachi’s “betrayals”.

“...she didn’t see it, did she?”

“No. I was up far earlier, and ordered her and the twins out the back with Shisui. They didn’t need to see that. He took them to the Hokage tower for now, to keep an eye on them while on shift with Kakashi. Hinata should be there by now as well.” Itachi’s face declines slightly. “...I should not be surprised, and yet…”

“It’s nauseating,” Sasuke agrees before his brother has to speak. “...and pisses me off. What do they mean, betrayal? You were working on behalf of the village! Everyone knows that now!”

Rereading the message, Itachi slowly shakes his head. “...I’m not sure. It could be that I betrayed the Uchiha...but who beyond us would be left to feel anger in that regard?”

“I dunno…”

“...there was Akatsuki, I suppose...and…” He fades out to silence.

“...what?”

“You remember what was reported about Root? There was no actual list of active members. And it was suspected some refused to report back to Konoha to be reassigned and reintegrated after Danzō’s death, and the faction’s dissolution.”

“...yeah…”

“This is only a theory, but...perhaps those remnants of Root are those who have been targeting us. Think about it: it makes sense. It could be said that I ‘betrayed’ Danzō. You and Shisui as well. Shisui’s eye was stolen, but he escaped, and has been revealed to have been living in secret despite Danzō’s order for his death. You fought him and drove him to suicide in an attempt to stop you and Obito. And I...I brought the truth of his actions to light with my return and pardon. All of his work has been revealed. His role in the massacre. Danzō’s life, reputation, and wishes have all been made moot by the three of us.”

Sasuke can’t help a humorless huff of breath. “...so you’re telling me we have an unknown number of ANBU-level nutcases still loyal to a dead asshole looking to get revenge on us?”

“As I said, it is only a theory. But it would explain why we can’t seem to catch them. It could be just one person. It could be a hundred. We have no records of Roots numbers, let alone how many turned their backs after Danzō’s death. They were brainwashed to be loyal to him. A few managed to resist, but…” Itachi gestures almost apathetically. “That may be the root of our problem.”

“...I’d expect wordplay like that from Shisui, not you.”

“He’s not here. Someone had to do it.”

Sasuke drags a hand down his face, sighing and staring at the splintered door. “...if that’s the case...we need to be damn careful. Hinata’s a jōnin, but also pregnant. Your wife’s a non-combat medic in the same boat with two kids. How the hell do we protect them without quitting our jobs to guard them day and night, and fortifying the houses?”

“...I don’t know. I will speak to Kakashi on the matter, as I’m sure Shisui has already begun. He may have more insight, and have help to offer. But I cannot assume what resources he would be willing - or able - to spare.”

The pair lapse back into silence, each lost in their thoughts. Anger slowly begins to boil in Sasuke’s blood. How dare they...how dare they come after his family...after all they’ve already been through? When will it end?!

“...for now, we’d best reconvene in the Hokage’s office. One of my squads will gather evidence in the meantime. And we’d best put the compound on lockdown. No one in or out.”

“Hn…”

There’s sympathy in Itachi’s gaze through his mask. “...we’ll get through this. As always...we live to fight another day.”

...but how many more will we need?

     OOF. This one's posted before midnight (my time) - yay! And also is a little bit heavier than usual!      This is another canon-ish snippet from a major WIP fic of mine that I'll probably never actually finish. SH is a side pairing in it, with focus actually being on a few RPCs of mine. And the epilogue (having been planned before Boruto's creation) focuses instead on major conflict surrounding the Uchiha, and a faction called "New Root"...which, as we can see, is causing the tiny clan some major issues.      'Issues' being a rather light word for it.      Anywho, Itachi just might be on to something with his Root theory...which is actually a much bigger problem than their first assumptions of simple villagers being upset with his return (as well as Sasuke's) given their past behavior. Which leads to a lot of drama and tension down the road!      But, this is just a snippet for the challenge, ahaha - so that's where we'll have to leave it for now. But, either way, I hope you enjoyed reading, and thanks as always for stopping by!

[gaiatheorist]

‘Hostile environment.’

Andrew McDonald, former chair of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Committee, and also chair at Scope, has stated that the UK disability benefits process is ‘Kafka-esque.’ It’s an article in The Guardian, I read it yesterday, shook my head sadly, and moved on, because I was still quite punch drunk after Friday’s Job Centre appointment.

I’m not going back into the comments section on it, because a large proportion of the replies yesterday were along the lines of “He doesn’t need the money!”, and that way lies more Witch-pricking, about being ‘disabled enough’ or ‘entitled to assistance.’ The gentleman in question has Parkinson’s, a degenerative neurological condition, and a diagnosis of cancer, recently, his disability benefit was cut off, in layman’s terms, the system decided he’d ‘gotten better.’ Yes, I’m rolling my eyes. It’s none of my business whether that individual could manage without state assistance, what concerns me more is the state of the state some of us find ourselves reliant on. 

More of the comments were moderate and balanced, “If he found it difficult, how do other people cope?” Some of us don’t, and I’m deliberately blinkering myself from looking into statistics on how many deaths have followed the roll-out of Personal Independence Payment replacing the previous disability benefits in the UK. That’s a rabbit-hole I can ill afford to fall into right now, as much as I know I ‘should’ be doing something to help, these wittering accounts of what is ‘hidden, in plain sight’ will have to do for now. I am physically and emotionally fragile, as a direct result of two years of battling through the labyrinthine Universal Credit and PIP systems. (’Nervous breakdowns’ are difficult, when you don’t know how to break.) 

Looking at the case raised in the article, it’s a very straightforward case of the DWP ‘trying it on.’ Clients/customers/claimants, or whatever we’re called this week, who have historically been entitled to Employment Support Allowance, Disability Living Allowance, or any other historical disability benefit are re-assessed through the PIP system. (Along with ‘new’ cases, like mine, I was declined PIP in 2016, I tried to manage without. I didn’t manage, and ended up re-applying in 2017.) If people can manage without assistance, they will, rather than submit to the indignity of explaining how they manage their intimate hygiene and toileting needs to yet another assessor. (Rolling my eyes again, at one of my assessors asking me if I wore ‘crop-tops, like sports bras’ to work-around the functional difficulties I have with ordinary bras. Sports bras are evil, they’re just as difficult for me to get into and out of as ‘normal’ bras, but nobody actually sees or hears the bra-gument on the days when I feel the need to present some semblance of decorum, rather than just fastening my top-jumper, and hoping nobody notices.) 

Thousands, possibly millions of people in the UK will have had the dreaded brown envelopes, either to transfer to, or apply for PIP. There’s an indignant-teenager side-rant, “I didn’t ask to be born!”, about the insidious ways the systems have moved the goalposts, perhaps the previous systems were too lax, or maybe it is purely to reduce the government’s expenditure on disability benefit? The magic money tree, I mustn’t allow myself to be sidetracked on things I don’t think the government should be funding, I’ll be here all day. The decision, when that envelope arrives, is fairly binary, you either apply or you don’t. If there are any fiddlers or fakers left, they probably won’t apply, everyone knows the urban legends about the ‘scrounger’ with the ‘bad back’, moonlighting as a pole-dancer. (There’s another eye-roll, at my last Job Centre appointment, I’d managed to sit awkwardly as I was waiting to be called, and was acutely aware that I was limping, I had pins and needles. I tried to correct my gait, and very nearly fell over, conscious that limping to the desk, and walking away ‘normally’ would be observed, and noted. ‘Faking it’, anyone?)

Other people who won’t apply within the specified timescale will include those with literacy or visual issues, who can’t see, or understand the writing. That’s if the letter even arrives ‘on time’, bit of a hiccup with the DWP post-rooms, it would appear, my local Job Centre is heading for a meltdown already. ‘Universal Credit is changing.’, lucky for me that one of the traits of my complex combination of medical issues is to be over-cautious, I was able to decode the text in the letters, and navigate my way through the electronic minefield, to have my transfer completed within timescale, and not be bounced-out of the system. Judgement, and a touch of luck, that the Job Centre staff discussed amongst themselves whether to proceed with my appointment, because my ‘assessment phase’ was wrong. One of the free gifts with my brain injuries was hyperaccuisis, profoundly over-sensitive hearing, it’s excruciating in supermarkets and such, but I could hear the ladies having a quiet chat about which transfer to process, and which to recall for another appointment. My ‘old’ work-coach was there, and I heard her say, quietly, “She will already have done it.” The all-singing-all-dancing ‘Full Service’ system isn’t as straightforward as the government would like people to think, for every ‘transfer by this date’ letter, even for sometimes-highly-functional people, like me, there’s another layer of input, in the Job Centre. The claims are input into the new system, that the staff have only just been trained on, and the chosen ones have to be manually referred to case managers before they are fully ‘switched.’  Lots of people will have their claims closed or disallowed due to a technicality they’re not made aware of. The letters are very carefully woven into a timing-trap, it isn’t just the time-pressure of ‘complete all of these actions (and the other ones we’ll tag on) by this date’, they’re also sent out to coincide precisely with the end of the claimant’s ‘assessment phase.’ I didn’t know what an ‘assessment phase’ was until that appointment, or how close I was to having my transfer delayed or rejected, it could still happen, I have just enough money in the bank to tide me over if DWP don’t switch my claim within their self-set time-window.

(For anyone on UC, the assessment phase clause, explained as clearly as I can, my brain injuries have completely robbed me of my grasp of ‘numbers’ in general, they may as well be hieroglyphics, they swarm about the page like demented squiggly ants, and make no sense at all to me. If your assessment phase is ‘wrong’, the Job Centre staff have to make a decision whether to manually input your claim and evidence, or re-call you for another appointment. There’s a potential risk that your claim will be stopped if it isn’t manually over-ridden within your assessment phase. My payment date is the 15th of each month, and my assessment phase runs from the 9th of each month to the 8th of the following month. There is ‘potential for payment delay’ if the ‘new’ claim isn’t ‘in alignment’ on the Full Service system before the end of the assessment period. My appointment was on Friday 5th October, if the case manager didn’t sign it off on the day, I’m technically timed-out, because the 6th and 7th of this month are a weekend.) There’s a clattering great big massive guilt-trip brewing, and I need to banish it. Rationally, that hushed discussion between the work coaches, in deciding to process my claim, rather than the other person booked in at the same time was BECAUSE they knew I would have already completed the input properly, and turned up with the right evidence. I’m always going to be a ‘light touch’ case, I don’t need chasing or coddling in order to be compliant with expectations, the new work coach was astounded that I’d already ‘gone above and beyond’, and effectively done part of her job for her. “Oh, wow, you’ve already done it, you ARE good, did you write these yourself?” “Yes, I did, are they sufficient to pass scrutiny?” “They’re PERFECT.” I’m a particular kind of awful, and had written my own ‘Claimant Commitment’, in legal-compliant terminology that gives DWP no wriggle-room to sanction me for non-compliance. When I’m good, I’m very good. The misplaced guilt here is because I have enough money put by to cover my essential expenses for a couple of months if DWP start monkeying about with my payments, the other person (who had actually left the building while the coaches decided to call me through) might not have that buffer-zone. How’s that for a combination of Catholic guilt, and a Protestant work ethic?

My ‘conditionality’ group has only recently been changed from ‘full commitment’ to ‘work preparation group’, I’m declared as having ‘limited capacity for work’, which I accept, my functionality is limited. There’s another time-trap associated with that. I’d declared my disability right at the start of my UC claim, in May 2017, after six months of sick leave from my previous employers, trying and failing to link up the bits of the NHS who are still juggling me about like a hot potato. Without a formal PIP award, I wasn’t considered ‘disabled enough’, I’d re-applied for PIP in March 2017, when it became evident that I wasn’t going to be able to return to my job without significant risk to self and others. It was noted that I had applied, but, without the ‘award’, I was processed as a ‘universal’ claimant, that process is largely responsible for the decline in my health. On a standard claimant commitment, I was under constant fear of sanctions if I failed to actively seek any suitable employment. I’m wily, I was able to accurately record reasons why I wasn’t applying for ‘Recommended’ vacancies, sometimes hundreds of reasons a day. (Flashback, to a long-ago manager barking “Don’t give me excuses, give me reasons!”, when I was consistently below sales-targets for payment protection insurance. The reason then, as now, was that I’m too honest, my ‘excuse’ now is that my brain is damaged, I physically can’t work 9-5 safely, evening work is completely out of the question, and ‘normal’ environments present me with a level of sensory overload that’s frequently unbearable to safely function through.) I was able to do that, until I wasn’t any more, the pincer-movement of UC demanding to know what I ‘could’ do, and PIP focusing on what I ‘could not’ came very close to breaking me. The time-trap is that I was allocated into the ‘limited capacity’ category 9/8/18, for a period of 12 months, but DWP systems record the start-date as 15/2/18, so I’ll be re-assessed, to see if I still have brain injuries six months into a twelve month conditionality period. (Spoiler alert, I will still have brain injuries, I might have even more, dependent on the outcomes from my last scan, I may need further corrective surgery.) As pleasant as my old work coach was, she knew from the outset how to trigger the right conditionality group, and she didn’t/couldn’t do it until I used the ‘magic word’, they’re not supposed to give you opt-outs. I understand the logic. If everyone knew that a GP’s ‘unfit for work’ note triggers a pause in the relentless pressure of the UC commitments, we’d be back in the realm of ‘a bad back’ again. (Smirking, I have endometrial adhesions on something in my lower-right abdomen, and I fell over very badly at a family function earlier this summer, I have a bad back.) My GP knows I’m genuine, and not ‘swinging it’, he’s been adorable throughout this mess, but I’d already discovered that DWP tend to dismiss additional evidence from GPs as collusion, and I didn’t want to increase his workload. I bore the weight of that myself. Twelve week sick-notes aren’t handed out lightly, and he insisted on regular check-ins, because he could see what the enforced resilience was doing to me.  

The resilience was because I had to fight my way through the PIP process. 17 months of my life effectively ‘lost’, my CV hasn’t been updated, and my references will be looked at dubiously, if the people are even still in post. 17 months of trying to ‘prove’ that my disability hits the shifted goalposts for being ‘enough’. It’s not funny that my physical and emotional health have actually deteriorated markedly during that process, it is, as Ken Loach pointed out, ‘conscious cruelty’. 17 months, living on fresh air and food-bank parcels by the end of it, but I lived, some people don’t. “I, Daniella Blake.”, as I waffled in a letter to my MP, I’m aware of most of my functional limitations, and I occasionally stumble upon a new one, and have to implement strategies to work around it. The very fact that I do that sets me at odds with the PIP process. “You stated that you have difficulties with ‘x’, I have decided that you can ‘x’.”, over, and over again, in some faceless ‘decision maker’ response.  I had stated difficulties, because I do experience difficulties, perhaps not so severe as some, and I know for certain that I didn’t even list all of the functional impairments I have now, because the questions are so oblique that there’s no way to record everything. (The ‘Welfare Rights Advocate’, who didn’t really do anything, has been given my permission to use a template I created, to record my functional difficulties, in terms of physical/intellectual/emotional/social barriers, with associated risks and adaptations. That document wasn’t actually submitted when I eventually attended court, it would have blown the panel away with how much I contend with every single day, but the advocate was lax, and didn’t advise me whether to submit, so I withheld.) 

“I have these disabilities, and they cause me difficulties with these ‘descriptor’ activities.”

“No, they don’t.”

That’s the gist of the initial application and assessment stage, IF you manage to fill and return the forms in the first place. You send in the paper forms, and someone, somewhere makes a decision on whether to allocate an assessment. My medical issues are sufficiently complex to warrant an assessment, I suspect that some cases will be rejected immediately, and that some of the forms won’t even be filled in to begin with. I don’t want to open the bulging file again to check terminology, but there’s a degree of assumed compliance to the wording of the questions. “Are you able to ‘x’?” “Yes/no/it varies.” People will tick ‘yes’ for things they are only able to do with ‘aids, adaptations, or assistance.’, because nobody wants to admit to being unable to manage absolutely basic functions, like washing, dressing, microwaving a bowl of soup, and the delights of explaining to yet another stranger about toileting. (Don’t get me started on “This includes assistance you have, or assistance you need, but do not have.” I live alone for the majority of the time, there IS no-one to provide assistance if I fall off the toilet, or bang my head on the wall trying to put my trousers on.) Once you tick ‘yes’, you can move on to the next question, blessed relief for some, who have difficulty with forms, or don’t want to denigrate themselves by detailing how difficult it is to perform the descriptor activities ‘repeatedly, reliably, and within a reasonable time-frame.’ 

Given enough time, I’m VERY good at providing evidence. Some people aren’t, and that’s my major concern with these systems, that the processes are so obfuscated and convoluted that the most vulnerable will fall through. On a procedural level, that means more high-end interventions for crisis-cases, in an attempt to cut benefit spending, this government is re-loading that cost onto the NHS, social care, and overstretched voluntary sector resources. (Some of whom are financially bound by effective ‘gagging orders’, their funding will be cut if they speak out about the causes of some of the issues they are dealing with.) I was able to apply for the benefit, sit through the ridiculous assessment, and stand on one leg, just in case I ever want to apply for a job as a flamingo. I was able to challenge the decision, at the ‘Mandatory Reconsideration’ stage, and bite back the bile that rose at the thought of a system that has a ‘Mandatory’ function for reconsidering initial decisions. They know that their initial decisions are wrong 7/10 times, that’s why they have that clause, they just rely on people opting out of proceeding, with no thought to the consequences. 

My Mandatory Reconsideration response was a re-hash of the original decision, zero-points, not-disabled. From memory, you’re permitted one month to request a Tribunal Hearing if you disagree with the decision, more paperwork, more evidence, and DWP don’t appear to be under similar timescale constraints. I requested my tribunal, I ASKED to go to court in September 2017, Her Majesty’s Courts and Tribunal Service responded that my case would be allowed in November 2017, despite DWP having sent a response that the case should not be heard. That ‘do not allow’ response will throw some people, and they will give up, I didn’t. 

My case wasn’t heard until July 2018, and the process was horrendous, not through any fault of the panel members, but because I have disabilities. I’ll park the Auschwitz reference that they were “Only doing their jobs.”, but the case due before mine had failed to attend, another opt-out, another non-statistic that could possibly become a different type of statistic. I was cross-examined  by a panel, checking for inconsistencies in the information I had provided, there are no inconsistencies, because this life is the only one I have, there’s no fabrication or elaboration, this is what I have to live with, or not live at all. I didn’t understand the squiggles on the paper when I was eventually re-admitted to the court room, it took me at least a day, perhaps more, to be able to read that sweat-crumpled sheet of A4 declaring me ‘disabled enough’.

I will be re-assessed for PIP in 2020, to check if I still have brain injuries, but I’ll need to trigger the process myself, no less than 14 weeks prior to the expiry of my award. With brain injuries, that compromise my cognitive functioning. These are the systems I’m trying to function within. Tell me they’re not a hostile environment.