#ooooookay now to get like 5 hours sleep

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot recap 2x18

(Aka the one where Roman gets to go on another excursion, Weitz wants to date literally the entire team except for maybe Patterson bc he’s intimidated by her brains, Reade is Touched By An Angel, and Nas falls on her sword for reasons which will probably never become entirely clear to anyone)

Okay, yes, I am the world’s worst procrastinator, and so am only just managing to get this posted now despite the three-week break. Tbh I intended to do it a couple of days ago, but then ended up getting distracted doing some writing of a different kind (stay tuned for that one very shortly!) and as such ended up with very little time for this-- hence why it’s a little shorter and kinda all over the place lol. But anyhow, if you were wanting a refresher on last ep before the new one tonight, you’ve come to the right place haha.

Enjoy. 

Okay I'm confused by this very large number of phenotypically-diverse children in one house. Also this blonde lady looks suspicious. Oh no and now the shouting girl is dead... after jumping from the second floor onto dirt? It would be unusual to die from that kind of injury, especially as a young person with strong bones, though it‘s certainly within the realm of possibility, depending on the type of impact. Also it's times like this that I'm reminded that both this show and I are kinda grim haha

Naaawwwww look at the Mayhem Twins in their little domestic bubble. Jane's so excited about her new 'bring your little bro to work' sitch and Roman is all *grumble grumble emo teen* about it, which lbr is pretty fair, but like Jane says, ‘freedom is something you have to earn’. Just bc you can't remember all the bad things you've done, doesn't mean everyone else can just forget it too, buddy! And considering you were literally the enemy not too long ago, it’s actually pretty impressive how much the team has let you in and treated you kindly. If anything demonstrates that the team (*cough* especially Weller *cough*) truly loves Jane, this is it. So be nice to your sister, bucko, because she's the reason that you actually have a chance at living a normal life for literally the first time ever. Sigh, my poor little battered babies. Why must you suffer so much and be hugged so little. Also well done makeup team on remembering to keep Jane's face bruised haha

Lol I love this scene, bc now without Reade, the team consists of poor beleaguered Weller and four badass (and currently rather displeased) ladies. The varied responses to Weitz’s inquisition are hilarious though-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง , Zapata is all eye-rolls and being so done with this shit, Nas is already planning and scheming and looking at it from all angles, and Jane is there solely to support Weller and get his support in return, bc MARRIEEEEDDDD. And ugh Weller is such a good leader and reassures them all and then ugh he and Zapata having that little moment of worry over Reade and ugh my babiessss 

Speaking of Reade, he’s apparently busted both his face and his phone lol. He's also in a very weird hospital room; like this is a huge space for only two beds. I wonder who found him though? Also given his recent expensive habits, can he even afford the price of medical care?? If he was here in Aus, it'd be free, but in the States??? Good luck, bro...

Naww the team is soldiering on, with Patterson telling them about a new tattoo to check out-- a tattoo with numbers somehow linked to the girl that died. As usual, Patterson's explanation of just how that happened went in one ear and right out the other, for both me and the team, it seems. Oops. But ugh poor Jane looks a little bit sick at the thought of the girl's death being linked with her tattoos-- it must be so hard sometimes, to be covered in (what is sometimes the equivalent to) people's death sentences? Seriously Weller needs to hurry up and kiss all of those tattoos and remind her that in carrying them, she helps the team save people. Ugh, that woman just really needs a good long hug. 

Oh and look who it is, the ADA that everybody loves to hate. Gotta say, I still kinda ship him with Zapata a little bit. Like, in a 'hate each other so much they occasionally meet up and have angry sex' kinda way. But then again I kinda ship her with Roman, but then kinda also don't at the same time... Idk, imagining her and Roman kissing would be a little weird. Like he's just such a lil puppy and she's all wildcat. But aaaaanyway, ooooohhhh I love Weller's teeny tiny eye-twitch when Weitz mentions Jane. It's like turning his Protective Hubby mode onto vibrate-- none of the big loud shouty anger, just a subtle 'come near her and I will end you' vibe that radiates through him lol. I dig it. Apparently Weitz has no sense of self-preservation though, so not only threatens them all with suspension, but also steps directly in Weller's way, AND refers to Patterson as a lab rat. Oh boy. I'm so proud of our Weller though, clearly he's been working on his anger management haha. Plus, he totally just won that round and Weitz knows it. 

Dude they totally wouldn't be letting bystanders that close if the body was still right there. But whatevs. Also I like Weller's boots. And now oooh all the kids and the foster mom have disappeared, whatever could have happened....

Ughhh I love that Weller, Nas and Jane are all blatantly watching Patterson being interviewed, and Weller's all casual about it like 'yeah she's tough she's got this', but you just KNOW that if Patterson looked to be in any distress at all, Weller would be storming through those doors in a fury, with Nas following behind ready to provide some kind of excuse, whereas Jane would have slipped quietly away and set off the fire alarm or something before shimmying through the vents and dropping down into the room behind Weitz's guys, basically forming a pincer-maneuver with Weller, ready to kick the crap out of anyone that dares upset their lil Patterson. Of course Zapata would be flying in there right beside Weller (except when he would put himself in front of Patterson, she'd just launch straight at Weitz lol) but she's not present in the equation rn. Oh but here she is now, actually, with a lead-- she's found streetcam footage of the teenage boy from the foster-house. If they can find him, maybe they can solve the whole mystery and save the other kids.

Ughhhhh speaking of Patterson and Weitz, he's grilling her about Borden, and ugh my baby is being so tough and not taking any of his shit and for once I feel kinda grateful for that slimy weasel Fisher bc at least he gave her good practice for dealing with scumbags like this? Ugh I know my baby had somewhat of a breakdown in last ep (I wonder if she's cleaned her apartment up at all after that) but she really seems kinda... battle-hardened... now. Which makes me sad, but at the same time, we know that Jane has been through a whole ton of awful crap and she's still a little cinnamon roll despite it, so I have high hopes for Patterson to do the same. Especially with Jane there to help mentor her through it.

Oooh the Power Trio (by which I mean Jeller and their sidekick, Nas) are in Weller's office, and lbr this is very much a scene about a married couple having a debate, with Nas hanging in the background trying to be unobtrusive haha. I love that Jane was just reminding Roman this morning that these things take time-- but the first chance she gets she goes to hubby and is like 'let's put him on the team' haha. And lbr here, Weller puts up a half-assed argument purely for appearances’ sake. We know he's going to allow it, bc he's whipped a caring and supportive hubby and he wants the woman he loves to be happy. And also he wants Roman to be redeemed, bc if there's hope for Roman then there's hope for them all. He makes an excellent point that today is literally THE WORST day to be thinking about doing this-- literally a single thing goes wrong out there, even something that's not at all Roman's fault, and Weitz is going to be all over their asses. The dude's just waiting for an excuse, and letting a 'known terrorist' (sorry puppy, you know I don't mean that) out on a case is bound to be exactly the kind of thing he's after. But who cares, those are all far too sensible and logical things to be worrying about. Nas, surprisingly, has done a 180 from her shared opinion with Dr Sun that Roman is a monster, and encourages Weller to let him out in the field. Is she deliberately doing that to try to get them to play right into Weitz's hands, or is she just doing it bc she knows Weller's going to give in anyway and so she adds her support, letting Weller pretend he's been 'out-voted' (despite him being the highest-ranking person in the room) rather than actually just being the big marshmallow that he is? And ugghh he finally says yes and Jane is trying really hard to look mature about it and not beam at him and he's trying really hard not to seem pleased about making her happy and ugh these two giant dorks are gonna be the death of meeeee

Dude you're really not gonna use your work insurance? I suppose maybe you can't, since you quit like yesterday, you big dumb idiot. And then ugh the other guy asks him about his PTSD, and it's very convenient that the sole other occupant in the room is someone that can give Reade some real insight into his situation and help him get on the right path. If this was a daytime movie, we'd find out at the end that this guy was actually an angel the whole time, placed there to help him find his way. But it's Blindspot, so more likely he's a Sandstorm plant or something lol, since they seem to be literally everywhere haha. Also Reade denies being a veteran, and is he just trying to cut off the conversation, or is that answer honestly a no? I feel like my understanding of his character was that he WAS in the army before the FBI. But hey, maybe I just made that up.

Naawww Roman is like 'wait I'm coming out on a case that's not directly related to me?? Really??' and Jane is all 'yep now let's go out there and show them how great you are' and he snarks back about getting tossed back in a cage if he doesn't, and I love that there's a hint of reproach in her tone when she tells him that it's important, and a big opportunity-- like okay bro I know you’ve had a tough time but everyone is trying super hard to be inclusive and give you a fair shot so maybe ease up on the attitude mmmkay?? I love that Jane is Roman's biggest advocate when talking to others, but when he starts to get a bit whiny she (gently but firmly) puts him back in his place. Man, she’s such a big sister. Also dude they're gonna have to be even more careful with what they say about Sandstorm etc now, considering that Roman's detail is in the lab with them? Though I suppose all Patterson's lil lab techs are usually hovering around all the time, so maybe these are all high-clearance people. Rn Patterson's concerned about Weitz twisting everything they say, worried that telling the truth may not be enough to protect them. But Weller is all 'truth or nothing, we die with honor*' (*paraphrasing lol) and ugh I'm so proud of him for being such a good, incorruptible man. And so now they have another lead-- the teen's music teacher lives near where he was seen on the cam, so maybe he's gone there for help. Weller wants to check it out, but Patterson's already got plans at the morgue (that's where I'd go too tbh, autopsies are fascinating) and Zapata's got a date with Weitz, so that doesn't leave many other options. Jane's quick to suggest Roman, ratcheting the tension level up to about 300 before Weller is all like 'screw it, alright come on but just don't mess up okay bc wifey will be really upset if something bad happens' and Roman is all 'yes sir I would never intentionally make my sister unhappy sir' while Jane practically skips out of the room behind them haha

Weitz is asking Zapata about Reade-- ooh is someone worried about competition, Weitz?? Don't worry, she and Reade are just friends. And you are dirt on the sole of her shoe. But hey, maybe that's one of your kinks or something. Anyway oooh it comes up that Nas gave the order to enter the Sandstorm compound and that Weller wasn't there. The writing in the scene is clever and focuses on the Weller side of things, but it's also a setup to Nas getting blamed... wonder if they'll pounce on her later?

So it's snowy again, which means weather-wise, we should be approaching somewhere close to a full year since Jane was found in Times Square. Though since my theory is that she was found in January, I'm going to assume we're maybe around November now. Anyway I love that Weller allows Jane and Roman to head around back while he takes the front-- so much trust in Jane ugh (and some in Roman too, obviously). And he said Roman's detail would have to come out with them, but I don't see them anywhere... maybe scoping the perimeter? Round back they find Eli playing on a little pitch-pipe (it kinda looks like little plug-adaptors for TV aerials-- did he make it himself?) and ugh Weller reassures him and is doing his whole fatherly thing and ughhhh I love it (almost as much as Jane does hehe)

Meanwhile Patterson just found out that their girl's body has been basically snatched from the morgue, which is unfortunate. Clearly there was something about her body that could give the bad guys away??

I think Nas is trying to psychoanalyze Roman. But he's doing a better job of it himself tbh, and indirectly admits that he's scared of himself. Ugh, my puppy. Let me hug you. In the interview room, the Jeller dream team are talking to the kid, with Weller looming over him a little as the stern dad-figure and Jane sitting at his level, being the sensitive, understanding mom figure and ughhhhh I am having premonitions of them talking to their own teen after they go out drinking or stay out past curfew or something and ughhh I better not fall down this rabbit hole rn bc it'll be hours before I pull myself out of it, so let's focus on the present instead okay. Patterson has no leads on the body-snatchers, the music teacher has been out of town and has no idea about anything, and so all their hopes rest on getting Eli to open up. Roman suggests giving him back the pitch-pipe, recognising it as a sentimental item, much like the coin he and Jane shared. And ugh Weller approves and Jane is so proud and ooh Zapata just came into the lab and looked at Roman with a guarded expression and ugh stop making me ship it okay?? Anyways Jane's up next to talk to Weitz, and man does she look eager about the prospect lol

Aaaaaahhhh Weitz's first question is whether she's been in a romantic relationship with Weller (dude do you have a crush on Jane as well as Zapata?? Fair enough, I understand) and ugh I love that she doesn't go straight for a 'no', she instead questions its relevance to the investigation. And yaaaaasss I love that it's only after Weitz pretty much implies that she slept her way onto the team that she denies the romantic relationship. Because after all, it's kinda true; they definitely have (or as she thinks in his case, HAD) romantic feelings for each other, and they have had romantic interactions, but they have never been in a literal boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, therefore her answer is not a lie. (Though I hope one day it will be hehe). And then he attacks her about zipping Roman, acting like she has something to hide, trying to get her to slip up and somehow incriminate Weller, claiming that her loyalties are with Roman and (basically) that Weller's loyalties are with her, meaning he believes Weller would choose her over the FBI if it came down to it, and ugh I know this guy is trying to cause problems and everything but I kinda love him for laying it out to Jane like that, putting the thought in her mind that maybe Weller WOULD choose her, maybe Weller cares enough about her that if it somehow came to it, he would turn his back on the agency that has been his life for a dozen years in order to stand with her. And lbr, he would. Heeeeelllllppppp.

Aaaand Reade is still ignoring calls and being an all-round butthead. Also I've suddenly decided Reade needs a dog. Oooh and angel-Trevor not only has PTSD, but he's dying bc of his drug and alcohol abuse, having already lost his family because of it. Yep, this guy was definitely put here to teach Reade a valuable life lesson. Good luck Trevor, hope you succeed. Also sorry to hear about the dying thing.

Naww Weller is being the understanding dad now, since mom-Jane isn't there to do it, and Zapata has taken on the role of that cool aunt that you can tell anything to. Also this kid must be kinda in awe of the hotness of the women in this place lol. He is like 16, after all. And then ugh he finally tells them that their foster mom was giving them pills-- and then BAM, he breaks open the pitch-pipe and there's one of the pills. Score one for Roman! Also I very much enjoy watching Roman watch the interviews. Handsome, emotionally troubled men with hearts of gold are definitely part of my aesthetic. Zapata takes the pill to Patterson to be tested, whereas Weller is accosted by Weitz, who looks positively delighted to get to have some alone time. Well, if a bunch of observers and a camera counts as alone time, anyway.... (#kinky)

And ughhhh yet again his first question is Jeller-related. We definitely have a shipper here. And ugh Weller describes his relationship with Jane as professional, which is technically true. Their relationship is multifaceted, and a big one of those facets is their work partnership. Especially lately, while the personal stuff between them is only just beginning to delicately blossom again. Then when Weitz pushes-- clearly desperate to know if there's hope for his OTP or not-- Weller hedges, saying that they go out for drinks as a team sometimes. Again, true; that is another facet. I love how he is very much skirting around the head-over-heels-in-love facet. Well played, Weller. It's Weitz’s fault for not asking you directly if you're in love with her. For once he's probably somewhat relieved for the conversation to move onto Shepherd-- well, until Weitz starts claiming that she's Weller's benefactor (slash future mother in law) and that he may actually be working for her somehow. Remember those anger management lessons, son, you've been doing so well. Just get through this and you can go find Jane so she can be outraged on your behalf. 

But nope, instead he walks into the lab, and when Jane asks how it went, he grumpily changes the topic. Sigh. I guess it would be a little hard for him to seek support from her when all the team-- including Roman and Roman's detail- are standing right there. Plus he probably still feels a little awkward about nearly getting caught out on the whole being in love with her thing. Kinda makes sense that he's a little touchy. Anyway Patterson has discovered that the foster kids are being used as guinea pigs in illegal drug tests. And cue a scene with labcoated people talking about euthanising the kids, which the foster mom initially argues against, but then accepts. Wow, messed up, much? Thankfully the drug has to be out of the kids' systems before they kill them, so that buys them another hour for our team to come to their rescue.

Lol Trevor and I seem to share feelings about home-renovation shows. I'd sure as hell rather watch hockey too, buddy. Reade catches him right before he falls over trying to change the channel, seeing that his legs are too weak to even support him anymore, and angel-Trevor then tells him to get control of his life 'the right way' by talking about his pain, getting it all out. And Reade starts to open up to him and ughhh I really hope he is an angel and not some kind of plant bc if the wrong person finds out about this, Reade could be in some serious shit...

Nas' contacts are closing in on Sandstorm's bank account after tracking that transaction Roman made, but Weller's more fixated on the fact that his unwanted 'link' to Shepherd is a threat to the team (now you know how Jane feels, bud!). Thankfully though Patterson has found a lead-- the capsule that holds the pill's contents is (very fortuitously) only used by four companies, and they showed photos of employees to Eli until they found the doctor he'd met-- a man with a very Polish-looking name, which Patterson can't pronounce, and Weller thinks he can, but can't. Literally I'm an Aussie who has never been to Poland, and while I'm definitely not sure exactly how it's meant to sound, I know enough to know it's not whatever he just said. But anyhow, let's add another uncle to Weller's list haha-- he seems to have been collecting a few lately. I wonder which side of the family they were on? Not that it matters, since he's estranged from both, I guess... but anyhow there's only one way to find the doctor, and that's to use Eli as bait. I appreciate that they get his consent first, bc lbr they probably didn't have to. 

And like a sucker, the doc fell for it, and they traced the call to a warehouse. Roman's detail is assigned to cover the back entrance (good, keeps them out of the way) and Weller puts Jane together with Roman while he and Zapata take another entrance. I love the Roman/Jane teaming up thing because again, it shows Weller's trust in Jane... but I want my Jeller combo back. How long til we can have Zapata and Roman teaming up? Bc I am veeeeery interested to see how that goes. I do appreciate that Zapata raises no concern about Roman being out with them though. It's nice to see him being accepted more ughh. Sounds like the foster mom has had a change of heart, and doesn't want the kids to die. Too little, too late, lady. And then she literally tries to grab a gun to shoot at Weller (rude) but he fires a warning shot, bc he believes in JUSTICE not vigilantism and ugh I just love my sweet honorable boy. And speaking of sweet honorable boys, as the team approaches the kids, Roman runs straight to them and starts cutting them free ugh, while Weller chases a bad guy and Jane finds the power source for the machines (not sure why, like she could literally just pull the IV's out of the kids' arms)-- but it's lucky she does, bc it puts her in the perfect spot to grapple with another suddenly-appearing bad guy. Roman nearly gets shot in the head about five times in the process, and he and the kiddies make a run for it while the rest of the team is locked in their own individual battles. Zapata personally kicks the shit out of the doctor guy, which I appreciate. They all dispatch their opponents and regroup at the same time, realising Roman is nowhere to be found. Jane looks super worried but also convinced that he'll pop up at any second, while Weller's just like 'shit I can't deal with this rn' and then ta-da Roman appears with all the kids safe and sound and Jane is practically bursting with pride and rainbows and Weller just gives this little nod like 'good work... u lil shit' and we didn't get to see Zapata's reaction but I stg she would have been frowning bc she found the whole situation worryingly hot lol 

Ugh now they're all at the hospital and Roman and Jane walk up to Weller together but she lets Roman take the lead bc lbr seeing the two men she loves most in the world interact is probably like her favourite thing ever, plus it's good for Weller to be reminded that Roman really does care ugh. And then Jane tells Roman how great he did and Weller agreeeeeeeeessss (bc now it's just them there so he doesn't have to keep up the cranky-boss appearances anymore and can just be the approving bro-in-law and ughhhhh save me). Oh and it seems Zapata is here to do just that, bc she's discovered Eli is missing from his room-- turns out he's gone to confront foster-mom. Also according to the decor, this is literally the same hospital that Reade is in. Imagine if the team ran into him in one of the corridors?? Awkwaaaaard. But anyhow the team finds Eli, and Weller approaches and starts talking him down while the rest watch from the doorway, and ughhhh "don't let what she's done ruin the rest of your life"/ "the things that you've had to go through, they can make you stronger, but you have to make the right choices" and ughhhhh his words literally could relate to any member of the team, but are clearly hitting Roman especially hard rn. Yaaaas give me all the Roman/Weller bonding. And omg the kid drops the knife and then walks straight into Weller's arms and I'm screaming bc ALL THAT SPECULATION ABOUT WHICH OF THE WOMEN THE HUG WOULD BE WITH, AND IT'S A FREAKING TEENAGE BOY. Oh, man, that promo sure got us good. I'm so amused by this haha 

Oooh Weller has called his ladies (sans Nas, which imo is the way it should be) into his office-- he's giving Tasha the lead on the Sandstorm op, which makes them all go "??What???" so he explains that in order to prevent Weitz taking the whole team down, he's going to fall on his sword, take the hit to spare the rest of them. And lol yet again it's a mixed-bag of reactions-- Patterson is all (ง'̀-'́)ง  again, whereas Zapata-- as a bureaucracy-understanding agent like Weller-- clenches her jaw, telling him they'll fight it together but knowing why he's doing what he's doing; but ugh Jane's eyes are locked on Weller's face, voice rough with emotion as she insists there IS no team without him. Because to her, there isn't. There's nothing without Weller-- she can't even comprehend existing in a world where he is not at its center. And when he insists that this is the plan he's going with, she looks to the others, hoping they'll help her talk him out of it-- but they're silent. There's nothing they can do. He's still their boss, and this is his final order. Weitz has his victim at last.

But not, apparently, the one we were expecting. While Weller was saying his farewells, Nas Kamal-- the sneakiest of the sneaky-- is already in with Weitz, claiming full responsibility for literally everything (did you know she shot JFK, too??). So, okay... what is actually going on here? Was this literally the point of her character all along, to provide someone else to be offered up as a sacrificial lamb, when all the shit that has happened this season finally catches up with them? I just... idk. I don't get it. I feel like Nas' character makes no sense, like she's some kind of shape-shifter, initially one thing, and then another, and then another, based on the whims of the writers. After nearly a full season I have no idea what her motivations actually are, and I have no idea whether any of the things she said or did were genuine or by design. But, well, better her on the chopping block than Weller, I guess? Well... so long, Nas, and thanks for all the fish-y business!

Ugh my precious Weller catches up with them just as they're leaving, though clearly dreading what he's about to do but ready to do it anyway to protect his team. And then Weitz is all "Boy, bye"... though not before offering to take him out on a date. Does this man literally have a crush on EVERY member of the team, or??? 

Reade is getting out of hospital, and he leaves his number for Trevor (silly boy, angels don't need phones to speak to you), and the last bit of advice he receives is not to face his demons alone. So c’mon, Reade, who you gonna call?

Okay I am super uncomfortable with drinks being poured on top of the touchscreen table thing. I can't believe Patterson is allowing this. And aww the team thanks Nas for her sacrifice, but lbr they're all secretly glad it's her and not Weller. And then she says a mildly emotional goodbye (she's not really one for touchy feely stuff, lbr), passing the torch to them to continue on her quest against Sandstorm-- and giving them the bank account details, which will no doubt be their next lead. Aaaand yep I am still no closer to understanding anything about why she does what she does or what she wants or anything, really. Which either means that the writers are waaaaay more clever than I am, or they have no more of an idea about it than I do lol. Personally, I'm kinda leaning toward the second...                                                       

Aaaaaahhhh Reade called Zapata. GOOD BOY.  THIS IS THE FIRST GOOD THING YOU'VE DONE IN WEEKS. And ugh he thanks her for coming over and she thanks him for calling back and they HUGGGGGG and I still do not ship them in the slightest but man have I missed their awesome friendship!!!! And then aaahhh he picks up the tape (apparently he's found a VCR at a thrift store or somewhere lol) and tells her that what he was doing wasn't working and that he needs to know so he can move on and then ughhhhh they sit on the couch together and she holds his haaaaaaaand and ugh I so desperately hope that it's just a game tape and ugh I'm terrified to find out and oh man I can’t even imagine watching that with someone knowing that they may be about to see you violated in that way, knowing that this is something they will always be aware of in the back of their mind when they look at you, and mannnn I just can't get over the incredible depth of the relationships in this show like yes this particular situation is horrible but these connections are so what I came here for ughhhhhhh

Ew, Shepherd. I was enjoying a few episodes without you. And okay blah blah blah you've bought something very expensive and very toxic looking in Bangkok. Whatevs. Hope it backfires on you somehow.

And okay that's the ep done, just in time haha. About the promo: my prediction is that the Jeller kiss we saw will actually be interrupted before it happens, but that Jeller will find a way to ensure that some uninterrupted smoochin' happens by the end of the episode. And lbr they are so DUE for a kiss. Like it's a legit pattern; both of them kiss somebody else. Then they kss each other. Then they both kiss someone else again. Then kiss each other. Then, most recently, they've both kissed other people again, people whom they no longer have any relationship with. Which means: this Jeller kiss is a definite guarantee. It's pure science. Just wait til tonight's ep; you'll see. And after that, the pattern’s gonna end, bc these two won’t be kissing anybody but each other ever again ugh

[noona-clock]

Now or Never - Part 7

Genre: College!AU

Pairing: Jae x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: None

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 | Words: 2,776

The more time that passed, the more Jae was convinced he was actually dreaming.

I mean, a fire in his dorm? That was already unbelievable enough. But walking up to his dorm to see you? Talking to a fireman? And then seeing you turn around when he called out your name? You running over to him, tears streaming down your face? You wasting no time in hugging him like you hadn’t seen him in centuries?

And that was just the beginning!

After hugging for at least a few minutes, and after you literally held his face in your hands, the two of you were now walking back to your apartment together because you, and I quote, “didn’t want to leave him just yet.”

He was definitely dreaming.

He also knew he was dreaming because you hadn’t said anything about his hair and lack of spectacles yet, and he knew you. The Real You wouldn’t let one second go by without making a comment about his new look. It had now been hundreds of seconds since you’d seen him, and you hadn’t said a thing.

So, the only logical conclusion was, none of this was reality. He was in his bed sleeping after a long, draining first week of school, and he was dreaming about you hugging him and holding his face and inviting him back to your place.

That had to be the only explanation! So, he just went with it. He walked with you to your apartment, letting you hold onto his arm while he kept his hands in his pockets. He grinned to himself when you rested your head on his shoulder. He didn’t say a word -- mostly because you didn’t either but also because he was scared if he did, he might wake up. He followed you up the stairs of your apartment complex, and finally, he stepped in through the front door he knew so well. The one he’d stormed out of just a week ago after he’d yelled at you and confessed his love for you. In the same sentence.

To be honest, he couldn’t wait to see what his dream had in store for him next.

Your heart and mind were both racing the whole walk back to your apartment. 

You didn’t say anything the entire time because you were thinking about what you wanted -- what you needed to say, but Jae didn’t say anything, either, so it didn’t feel weird or awkward.

It actually kind of just felt like old times. And... it was probably the last time it would feel like old times.

As soon as you walked into your apartment, you slid your backpack and your jacket off your shoulders, hanging them both up on the coat rack in your entryway. You waited for Jae to do the same, and then you slowly headed into your living room.

“You... might want to sit down,” you said with a soft, self-deprecating chuckle. “I have a lot to say.”

“You got it,” Jae murmured before following your suggestion and plopping down on your couch. “The floor is all yours.”

You took a deep breath, only glancing at Jae before you began to pace around your living room.

“First of all,” you began, hearing the shakiness of nerves in your voice. “I’m sorry. This is what I wanted to say to you when I called you over last week. I didn’t want to tell you all that... stuff. About me being scared. I had planned on apologizing, but I didn’t get the chance, so I’m going to do it now. I’m so... so, so sorry. I treated you like my therapist instead of my friend, so I probably owe you a lot of money for all those hours I spent venting and complaining, and it was just incredibly selfish of me, and I truly don’t know why you put up with it for so long. I can’t say I’m sorry enough, and I will spend the rest of my life apologizing and making it up to you.”

You spared him another glance, seeing he was watching you rather intently, but it didn’t look like he had any desire to say anything just yet... so, you continued.

“Obviously, I have ended things with... him, and we won’t even get into the reasons why I stayed with him for so long because we already talked about that, and frankly, I’m a little embarrassed. But I thought you should know that it’s definitely and completely over, so please don’t try to walk out on me again.”

Yet again, you stopped pacing and glanced at Jae. He simply nodded and then motioned for you to keep talking. So, you did.

“This past week has been... just awful. It’s made me realize that your friendship is the biggest and best part of my life, and I really don’t want to live without it. And this afternoon made me realize I don’t want to live without you. When I saw it was your dorm on fire, my heart dropped down to the ground. When you didn’t answer your phone, I -- I just couldn’t imagine -- You could’ve been lying in your room literally dying or already dead, and you would never know. I would never get the chance to tell you. I’ve been thinking about you constantly all week, and I don’t think I’ve ever missed anyone as much as I missed you, and I’m sorry it took me thinking you might have died to finally realize it, and Kevin told me I did, but I didn’t believe him, but damn it, he was right, and --”

All of a sudden, Jae was standing next to you, putting his hands on your shoulders to stop you from pacing. And... you were crying. You don’t remember when you’d started to cry, but you were currently gazing up at him through blurry, watery eyes.

“What are you talking about? He was right about what?” Jae asked. You could hear how nervous he was, and his eyes searched yours as if he could answer his own question simply by looking at you.

You sniffled once before reaching up to your shoulders and taking his hands in yours. You brought them down in-between you, clutching them and never wanting to let go.

“He told me that I had feelings for you, and I know I’m an idiot, and I wouldn’t blame you if you’ve already moved on and you don’t want to be with me, but he was right. I do --” You had to stop and take a shaky breath before continuing. “I do have feelings for you, and I want to be with you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, and I... why -- why are you looking at me like that?”

Jae’s facial expression had transformed into one of extreme confusion. His forehead was wrinkled, his lips tugged down into a frown.

You had no idea what he was about to say, and you were quite puzzled when he simply said:

“Why?”

You blinked at him a few times before responding with, “...Why what?”

“Why do you like me?”

“Uh --” you sputtered, caught totally off-guard by his question. “I -- I mean, you’re an amazing person. You’re funny and loyal and, like, literally the best person I know.”

Jae nodded slowly and was silent for a few moments before he said...

“But why?”

“Wha --”

“Why?”

“Because I trust you, and I know I can tell you anything and you won’t judge me.”

“But why, though?”

“Because! I just like you! You’re amazing and --”

“Why, though?”

Ooooookay, now you felt like an idiot. Jae was totally just being his annoying self and teasing you.

Which was a good sign.

You broke out into a smile and let go of one of his hands so you could playfully push at his chest. “Shut up,” you chuckled. “No, wait. Ask me one more time.”

Jae leaned in just a little bit closer, a smirk tugging at his lips when he asked one more time: “But why?”

“Because... you’re really cute.” You immediately cringed, and Jae burst out laughing, bringing his free hand up to cover his mouth.

“I’m not cringing because it’s not true!” you assured him, holding back your own laughter. “It’s just weird, and I -- it’s just weird.”

“Nah, I get it,” he chuckled.

And now that everything was out in the open and the tension between you was broken, you could finally bring up the most important thing -- the thing you’d wanted to bring up since you’d first seen him standing outside of his dorm.

“You changed your hair!” you cried, reaching up to tug at one of his dark locks. “And where are your glasses?! You’re not Chicken Little anymore! Who are you?!”

A bashful smile appeared on Jae’s lips, and he reached up to scratch the back of his neck before he answered you. “I was... I needed a change. I was tired of the one-sided love thing, and I thought if I changed how I looked, it would... change how I feel? ...Wow, that sounds so stupid, I --”

“No, it’s not stupid,” you assured him. “Do you know how many girls get a haircut after they break up with someone?”

Jae’s brows immediately lifted, his eyes widening a little as he gazed down at you. “You... really broke up with him?”

“Yes!” you cried, sounding equal parts offended and ashamed. “Of course, I did! Please don’t remind me how much of an idiot I was for not breaking up with him sooner!”

Jae let out a soft chuckle and stepped closer to you, sliding his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into a hug. “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” he said gently as he pressed his cheek to your temple.

Your heart was skipping every other beat as Jae held you, your arms curled up in-between the two of you, your hands resting on the lapels of his flannel button-down.

You’d been this close to him before, obviously, but... it was different now. 

“If it took being with him to realize you should actually be with me, then...” he continued.

You almost let out a sigh of relief hearing him say that. “So... you do still want to be with me?” you asked, the words just barely making it past your lips because you were so nervous and anxious.

“Yeah, I do,” he answered. “I just have one question.”

“Hmm?”

Jae pulled back, resting his hands on your shoulders and furrowing his brow down at you. “Is this a dream or nah?”

“What?” you chuckled. “A dream?”

“Yeah, ‘cause, like -- up until now basically, I kind of thought I was dreaming -- ow!”

You had just reached up and pinched his cheek, letting out a soft giggle at his reaction. “See? Not a dream,” you told him with a playful smirk.

“Yo, that was unnecessary,” he scolded, though you could see he was having a hard time keeping a smile off his lips.

“I disagree.”

“Did you really have to pinch me?” he retorted with a furrowed brow. “You could have, like, kissed me or something, at least!”

Your head jerked back slightly in surprise. “Kissed you? Do you... want me to kiss you?”

Jae looked at you kind of like you were just a little bit crazy. “I mean, yeah.”

...Oh, god. Well, now it felt too awkward to kiss him! He was expecting it, and you knew he was expecting it, but you weren’t moving so the two of you were now just staring at each other -- well, actually, you were staring at Jae’s lips, and had they always been that nice? Like super pillow-y and well-moisturized and just a really nice shape? How had you never noticed that before?

“...Hello? Earth to Y/N,” Jae chuckled, and the movement of his lips forced you out of your little trance. You shifted your gaze to his eyes, and you obviously looked incredibly anxious because Jae simply said, “It’s not a big deal. I’ve been waiting this long, I can wait a little longer.”

You truly did not want to know the answer to this question, but you asked it anyway: “How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long have you...”

“Been in love with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Since the beginning.”

“Excuse me, I have to go throw up,” you said, moving toward your bathroom.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jae said quickly, tightening his hold on you so you couldn’t leave. “Throw up? What are you --?”

“I am the biggest idiot!” you cried in extreme distress. “And thinking about everything that’s happened -- it makes me feel sick, and I don’t deserve you, and while I’m in the bathroom throwing up because of how stupid I am, you can just leave and go find someone who’s good enough for you!”

Jae didn’t respond at first, but he also didn’t let go of you.

Then, after a few moments of awkward silence, he said, “Okay... you... are... so weird.”

You let out a frustrated groan and buried your face in his neck again, not wanting to look him in the eye right now.

“First of all,” he said, bringing one hand up to cradle the back of your head. “You’re not the biggest idiot. That award goes to He Who Shall Not Be Named.”

“Voldemort?”

“Second of all,” he continued, completely ignoring you. “You’re also not stupid. You’re the smartest person I know, and I would not be almost ready to graduate college if it weren’t for you.”

“Okay, true.”

Jae ignored you yet again. “Third of all, you do deserve me. You are good enough for me. Just because you made some... questionable decisions in the past doesn’t mean you’re a bad person! And, if you think about it, it’s not all your fault!”

You had never said this was all your fault, but okay. You would let him keep going.

“I could have told you how I felt! I was kind of an idiot, too.”

While he was not entirely wrong, you didn’t really want to admit it out loud. Normally, you would have because he was Jae and anytime you got to tease him was a good time. But this was not a normal situation. So, you simply kept your face buried in his neck, letting out a soft sigh against his skin.

“Hey,” he murmured. “I didn’t keep hanging out with you because I thought one day you would be my girlfriend.”

Your brow furrowed, but you didn’t say anything. Yet.

“I gave up on that a long time ago. I kept hanging out with you because I wanted to. I liked you as a person. I liked playing video games with you. I liked hearing about your day. I liked going to Taco Bell with you and talking about dinosaurs. You’re not an idiot. I would never be friends with an idiot. So, the next time you call yourself an idiot, I’m going to take it as a personal offense because that means you think I would be friends with an idiot.”

Your lips curved into a smile, and you couldn’t stop yourself from letting out a soft chuckle. 

But your mind was caught up on one thing he’d just said...

“You... gave up?” you asked quietly.

“Yeah,” he admitted with a bashful laugh.

“When?”

“When you friend-zoned me.”

“When... was that?”

“After we turned in that English project,” Jae replied without hesitating.

Your brow furrowed, and it took you a few seconds to understand what he was talking about. “You mean... like, that first class we had together? That project we did at the very beginning of the year? Freshman year?”

Jae nodded.

“What?!” you cried. “You remember that?!”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because you literally forget my birthday every single year,” you reminded him. “Why would you remember one thing I said over three years ago?!”

“Because a guy never forgets when he was friend-zoned by the girl he loves,” he explained with a shrug.

You knew Jae had said the word ‘love’ before. He had told you ‘I love you,’ maybe more than once.

But hearing him say it now, the way he just had... it hit you harder.

You stared up at him, a soft wrinkle in-between your eyebrows as you studied his face. Jae stared back at you, and when you didn’t say anything after about twenty seconds, he murmured a “What?”

You answered him by standing on your toes and kissing him.

Part 8

[labyrinthinesun]

I’ve had some intense dreams lately but the one I had the night before last I can’t stop thinking about.

It was so vivid and felt so real.

I dreamt that my boyfriend and I were sitting on the bed in my dad’s guest room watching porn. We weren’t doing anything dirty, just lounging around looking at it. My dad walked in the room and freaked out and tried to break us up. I decided my boyfriend and I should run away to New York City, so we did. Then the dream fast forwards 16 years.

It was 5 am in the fall in NYC. It was drizzling and the city lights in the darkness in the rain looked so soft and the dream took on a filmy quality, like an old European movie. A sense of peace settled upon the scene. My boyfriend is now my husband and was fast asleep in bed, cascaded in blue due to the harshness of an unnatural light of the city streaming through the window. Our apartment was very small but looks exactly how I’d want it to. We had a daughter, a 15-year-old. My boyfriend and I want children together quite a bit and are totally certain we will have a daughter first. We talk about her often. We are seriously contemplating trying for our first within the next three months, honestly.

Our daughter and I were getting ready for school and work and she and I go outside to walk to the subway. The street is quite crowded; our apartment is sandwiched between two businesses on a main thoroughfare. We get to the subway and it’s packed but we’re sitting down. I look over at my daughter because she’s talking about her drama group. They were getting ready for a big production and that’s why she had to go to school so early. She was radiating light and happiness and laughing. She was shorter than me, probably average height since I’m a little bit taller than most girls. She was super thin and her hair was brown and went all the way down to her waist. She wore a pink jacket and blue jeans, but I turned to look at her and suddenly realized her face was blurry. I’d never seen it before. I sat there on the subway desperately hoping I’d get to see her face. I kept looking over at her but it was still a blank blur.

We got off the subway and the lights and the rain continued to twinkle gently and slightly muddled like in a painting. She walked ahead of me and I couldn’t see her well. Eventually we arrive at the school and suddenly everything goes into slow motion. She turns around like a ballerina, being silly, and I see her face for the first time in our lives. She looked exactly like my boyfriend with his sanguine, sparkly blue eyes, well defined features, and kind, tranquil smile.

I became overwhelmed with emotion and started to cry at her beauty. She looked at me like “Mom!!!! What is wrong with you?????”. She was so embarrassed, she just wanted to go to school and here was her 39-year-old mom in a crumpling, now quite soaked business suit crying about how pretty she was in the middle of the congested sidewalk. I composed myself and told her I’d see her after work and that her father and I would meet her at the Chinese restaurant that we shared a wall with for dinner. She made a “Ooooookay, bye mom!” teenage girl face and ran up the steps into the school. I burst out into tears again because I missed her so much as she went even though I knew I’d see her again in the evening, as I had every night before that for 15 years, and I walked away so moved that I finally knew what she looked like. Everyone else could see her, my boyfriend could see her, and I didn’t realize I couldn’t until we had been on the subway.

I get back on the subway and my father is there.

The perspective switches to his and he’s watching me just casually riding to work, unaware of his presence, with shock and wistfulness. He hasn’t seen me in 16 years. I get off the subway and he follows me for a long time until I get to my office building. I worked for NBC, doing some higher level work on TV shows. He stood there as the rain began to increase and felt so lost and desperate as he didn’t know how to get to me.

I then woke up into sleep paralysis thinking something was standing at my bedroom door. I was screaming for help and eventually woke up for real. I heard footsteps and banging and was really freaked out until I realized it was the upstairs neighbors. I fell back to sleep and had another weird dream, though it felt like just a dream and it had a reasonable explanation, until I woke up for good to my cat standing over me yowling just four hours after I’d gone to bed.

My boyfriend loves to talk about dreams and believes they hold extreme significance but he was too blown away by this one to give much of an opinion. He seemed so happy at the thought of our daughter, and he beamed when I revealed she was his carbon copy. He has the most beautiful, warm, genuine smile, especially when he shows his teeth. My dad offered that he and I are so close I was channeling some of what he has been feeling lately. He’s feeling “replaced” by my boyfriend and feels like I don’t or won’t need him anymore, especially because he’s the only one out there that knows my boyfriend and I are actually technically engaged already. I told him I’ll always need him and he told me I really won’t. He told me there’s a reason dads give away their daughters at their wedding, he’s giving me into a new life. I told him we will probably have a handfasting and he doesn’t have to just give me away. He seemed sad, still. Then he GRILLED me about my boyfriend. They’ve met and stuff, they have similar interests and respect each other generally, but my dad got irritated at my boyfriend’s frequent swearing once and lectured him on it and my boyfriend is just generally terrified of my dad, but he just bombards me with hard questions. It was so awkward. But my dad said he came away with it with a more favorable impression of my boyfriend, although he didn’t hold a bad one before.

He didn’t explain all the parts about my daughter though. The dream felt so emotional that I cried a bit about it, especially channeling how I felt when I saw her, throughout the day. I’m not an emotional person. The only person I really cry in front of is my boyfriend. People think I’m super cold. But this dream was so tangible and moving. I remember every detail in perfect recollection. Fascinating.