#or b) my T levels “normalize” and i dont. feel trans anymore. like i know thats not how it works but it doesn't matter if its RATIONAL ykno

[pinoruno]

not to overshare on the internet or anything but recently (and by recently i mean for the past like 3 years. only about four months ago was i finally like "okay i cant do this anymore" so i went to the doctor) i have discovered that i have many many health problem. several of which stem from hormone imbalances. and boy oh boy there is nothing like hearing some halfbaked doctor say "yeah your testosterone levels may be naturally too high/out of balance" for me to immediately doubt everything i've known/realized/decided about myself

[decaying-system]

i feel like my life is just one struggle after another and i just dont want to deal with it anymore. like from ages ???- about 12  i was abused, but my abuser didn't move out until i was 14 (then moved back in at 16 but is now out again thank heck). Then at 14 i realized  i was trans and i only last month started T and have a date set for top surgery sorta so thats about as resolved as it'll ever be u know and now i have this freaking chronic illness which i feel like is gonna b like being trans, one i figure out whats up and can manage it yea it'll be around forever but it wont be too horific but for now i have no diagnosis, my parents dont believe me, its not even reliable bc every day is different pain levels, and i just feel like complete and utter shit. like i dont want to live like this if my life is literally just going to be one thing right after another like i know obviously life is hard but i dont think it should be like this i never get a break.and everyone wants answers. teacher school friends like they always want to know well will you be able to work tomorrow? why are you in pain ?why dont you show your pain? are you faking it? why cant you do your homework? whats wrong? is it curable? why are you like this? why do you "let your illness overpower you"? and im fucking tired. like i dont know i just want to scream. i cant tell you if i can function tomorrow i cant tell you why i cant function now no i dont know if this will kill me no i dont know if its curable thanks for the feel better but did you hear me say chronic its very unlikely this has a cure. yes im doing everything i can if you say sleep more im gonna cry no i cannot just do the work "when i feel better" that doesnt happen!but due to abuse and my parents lack of belief about it happening i internalize EVERYTHING like i straight up will not tell my parents im in pain unless i think i cannot move and i refuse to take normal meds as well like tylenol unless im like hospital level bad, which ofc ive never been to a hospital because no one believes me and hell i dont believe me sometimes even tho literally typing all this out is killing my hands i just want to cry and disappear and i wouldnt say im suicidal i dont think i just want a goddamn break  like haven't i deserved that? i need just some time to catch up on homework and walk to the dog park and not worry about if i remembered my cane today or if i can make it up the school stairs or what homework im missing or if my parents will let me not do chores today because i swear im not lazy but i really cannot walk from here to the driveway and especially not while dragging a trashcan