#or maybe my empathy clouds my judgement more than i am aware

[glitchdollmemoria]

lots of thoughts with yom kippur approaching and not sure how to organize them. thoughts about the fact that i try to be a good person who doesnt harm others and apologizes when i do, thoughts about having low empathy and reduced remorse and not always being able to tell whether i actually was justified in doing something that hurt someone else or whether my own ego is clouding my judgement, thoughts about how my memory is so poor that i struggle to think of instances where i might have hurt people because i struggle to think of anything really that isnt within a very narrow timeframe but then when i can remember it loops back around to me justifying it. thoughts about not even trusting my own judgement on whether or not ive hurt someone because i think i tend to assume wrong in either direction, either assuming i matter more to someones happiness than i do or not recognizing how much i matter to someone else. i am a self centered person although i try not to be, and i will continue trying not to be but i also dont know if ill ever fully erase that from the core of my being, and so all i really can do is keep trying. maybe i have to spend the coming year trying to be more aware of whether or not im hurting people, and trying to be willing to recognize when i really am in the wrong instead of writing off my behavior, and trying to still be discerning as to when i AM justified in. idk. being a bit of a cunt to assholes. but also still trying to show restraint and not take things too far. trying to strike a balance and just be aware and careful.

i remember when i told my father i was interested in judaism, he said people shouldnt need religion to know how to be good people. and i do think on the whole thats mostly true, at least in the sense that religion isnt a requirement in order to have good morals. i think its important to have motivations to be a moral person beyond just "my religion says so". but at the same time, i personally do rely partly on religion for that sort of thing. its not like i was a horrible person before deciding to convert, ive always had at least a part of me that does genuinely want to be good for the sake of goodness, and thats part of WHY i love judaism, because of the emphasis on making the world a better place and treating people kindly, on the idea that this planet is HaShem's creation and all people are made in His image. but i also still need guidance. and maybe thats not so unique after all, maybe im not all that special for struggling so much with morality and selfishness. i dont know. i just think maybe instead of fretting about trying to remember specific instances where ive acted hurtfully, and trying to figure out whether or not i "should" feel remorseful, maybe i just need to accept that i have a lot of issues currently (but hopefully not permanently, or at least not always to this degree) interfering with my ability to figure all that out, and i need to focus on the big picture and recognize that surely, at some times, i HAVE hurt others with my own selfishness, and i need to be aware of that and keep trying to reduce how often that happens, and recognize when it does so i can make things right. i need to be aware of the fact that my moral compass isnt perfect, and i need to be willing to acknowledge when i make mistakes instead of trying to maintain my own self image as the most morally superior person in the room. and thats difficult and painful because its a complete gut punch to my own narcissism, because my instinct is to view that sort of vulnerability as an opportunity for others to paint me as inferior, and to safeguard myself against inferiority however i can. but the vulnerability is an absolute necessity if i want to ACTUALLY improve as a person. do i want to protect myself by insisting im a morally perfect person, or do i want to actualize my desires for moral perfection, or at least get as close as humanly possible? am i ready to grapple with the fact that growth involves admitting my flaws? am i capable of looking directly at my imperfections, or will i let my refusal to look at them become just another flaw on the pile? i think all of this is more useful for me to focus on this year. there are a couple specific memories of hurting people that i want to focus on too, but by and large with my own brain ill get more mileage out of looking at the big picture for now. and on the one hand hopefully i can focus more on specific instances next yom kippur, but on the other hand id like to try to avoid as many as possible in the first place.

[previousloversandmuses]

Slow Burn - Prologue

Part I | masterlist

A/N: This is a “must read” precursor to the whole series. Please read it to know what the origin story is. 

Pairing: Y/N x Obi Wan Kenobi

Words: 2048

Warnings: None. Brief mentions of violence. Low self esteem.

I am always one to experience emotions at a heightened frequency. Dangerous for a Jedi in training I know, but the council never took it as a sign of caution, just a minor set back. Happiness is bright, and beaming, even painful. My cheeks hurt for days after, smile lines sculpting my skin too early in life. Anger is powerful, my skin becoming vicious, and hot. Ripping through me like a silver bullet, and tearing my already unrelenting gut apart. I am loud, I am violent, and most of all, passionate. I would later become grateful of this curse, turning it into a blessing. Sadness is so deep. Tears crash like an ocean, and my heart would ache in my chest. The physical symptoms of my despair become overwhelming, and make me sick.

A fresh eighteen myself, my graduation is only a year or so away. Compared to other padawans, ones that don’t deal with the same struggles as myself, have already been graced with knighthood. They make their masters proud, and have already completed more missions at sixteen than I think I ever will in my entire career. 

I had the choice to become independent, to take my morals by the throat, and shove them deep down inside me, never to be seen again- but it really just isn’t that easy. See, I’m taking this time for meditation, or even a “behavioral therapy” of sorts. I have meetings with other council members, more powerful, and more prominent than my own master, who is often off tending to matters elsewhere. A mighty general he is, but they see me as someone who would cause more of a distraction, so I stay here at the temple left to my own devices. Sometimes I think it may be because I’m a woman, and other times I just take a good look in the mirror and recall the outburst that has stained my face only minutes before. 

Today was like any other; wake up, meditate, exercise, study, combat training, study, try and find time to eat something, and study. I walked down the main hallway with Master Yoda. He spoke to me about how he once struggled with his emotions as well, but with enough meditation, learned how to keep them at bay. Looking down at him and his vacant expression, I was surprised he had ever even felt an emotion a day in his life. That was until seconds later…

Stopping in my tracks, my hand flew over my heart. I recalled feeling out of breath, like my heart had physically stopped beating in my chest, or at least was trying to catch up with the rest of my body. I was shaky, yet somehow managed to take a knee. Something was off, that feeling in my chest grew and grew until I was faced with the blackest black I had ever felt. The darkest emotion to ever run through my body, as cold as ice, and heart stopping. It was deep, I felt it within the darkest abyss in my soul. It wrapped around my insides and nestled itself a home deep within the most shielded corners of my subconscious. That’s when Master Yoda felt it too. His hand flying over his heart, and steadying himself on my own shoulder. His face morphed into a snarl, gasping at the sudden pain that now infected his unwavering calm aura. 

...

After a painstakingly slow recovery, I sat on the edge of my bed. My quarters were neat and tidy. My bed, usually made up in the morning, because I have always been one for a routine. My walls weren’t bare, in fact they were almost completely covered in photographs I have taken from my travels as a Padawan. I'd go to the library, and butcher borrowed books, clipping photos of different words, and alien fauna. But today, those bright colors capable of producing fantasies for hours and hours, seemed black and white. 

I had been staring at the floor for sometime, desperate in trying to heal the ache in my chest. It felt as if I had a cold, like the burn after a deep cough. I felt so tight, so tense, an actual living embodiment of rigor mortis. Yet, at the same time, I hardly felt all there. It was as if my existence was floating all around me, and my shell was sitting vacant on an uncomfortable mattress. The knock on my door was enough for me to engulf myself again. 

“Y/N, are you decent?” The voice asks. 

“Yes,” I reply, rolling my shoulders back. 

“The council has requested an audience. Please report downstairs within the next few minutes.”

I nod my head, as if whoever was behind the door could see me. 

“An audience,”  I think. “Let’s add another year to that training plan, shall we?”

...

Walking downstairs to the council room, I can’t help but feel that all eyes are on me. They cut through me like a hot knife, slicing me thin. I feel so vulnerable. Like everyone around me can feel what I feel, and if I’m being honest, they probably do. A good Jedi who is in tune with the force, and especially in tune with others, can sense an intense emotion from a mile away. I’m sure at this moment I pretty much equate to an open book. No reason to try and hide it, force knows I struggle with concealing even an inkling of agitation. 

Seeing the council room in sight, I take a deep breath. This is it. I’m done for. This reaction was way too over the top. I’ve scared people, I’ve scared Master Yoda. Might as well just turn in my saber now and call it a day.

I walk into the door. Only a few masters sit scattered around. Master Yoda of course perched dead center, Master Windu waiting patiently to his right. But my master was nowhere in sight. You’d think if they were going to terminate me, that maybe my own mentor would be among them? Shaking his head, sending me glares that one could only compare to fucking daggers. He was tough on me for sure, maybe he was too ashamed of what I’d done to even bear to see me in this moment. 

“Coming here so quickly you did,” Starts Master Yoda. “Grateful we all are.”

I smile and bow my head. 

“Y/N,” Master Windu starts. “We’re here to discuss the events that happened earlier.” 

Oh god here it comes. This is it. I’m totally done for. I can’t even keep myself calm now. My face, getting hotter and more red by the second, is going to be the biggest tell. At least let me go out with some dignity. 

“Your reaction, what you felt at least, was not just brought on out of the blue. Master Yoda had the same experience, as did all of us on the council, and most Jedi and padawans in the temple.”

“I don’t understand.” I say. 

“At around 1 Coruscant time, an enemy bomb was detonated on Nal Hutta.”

Then it hit me. My heart sinking, I began to shake my head. 

“Unfortunately, Unit 505, and Master Cato were all killed on impact.”

My ears ring. Slowly, I move over to a chair, bracing myself. 

“That’s,” I start, trying to find the words to say. “He would’ve felt it, all of them would, I don’t understand.”

“We have a feeling it was planted by a Sith. That’s the only way it would’ve clouded any judgement.”

I slump into it, my vision going black, my head spinning. 

Master Cato has been with me since I was a very little girl. Although rough, tough, and brutally honest, he has done nothing but be a father to me time and time again. Everything I do is a reflection of him. He had been so busy at war, fighting day in and day out, I caught myself missing the commands, and demands I once so passionately despised. I took our whole relationship for granted, and now, is this the price I have to pay? The last time we spoke he told me how disappointed he was in my outburst in my Alien Fauna lab. I was being stubborn, I was bratty, and rolled my eyes. We had argued that entire call. He didn’t even attempt to say goodbye. Now, for an eternity, I will have to face the catastrophic guilt of my actions. Live with the fact that I never, ever told him how much I appreciated him. And even, how much I loved him so. The closest thing to family in my life, gone, in the snap of a finger. 

Both Master Yoda and Master Windu continued to talk but it all felt like empty words. I couldn’t hear them anyway. 

“Although this situation isn't ideal, we and the rest of the council applaud you for being able to feel something most of us haven’t been able to experience yet.” Claimed Master Windu.

I don’t listen. I stand up again. 

“What am I going to do? I don’t feel comfortable with being knighted yet. I had- we were working on so many things I-,” I stumbled on my words. 

“You’ll get placed with a new master.”

“There are no new masters. And even if I had been trained a certain way, I don’t know how to learn otherwise.” 

There is silence. 

“The force works in mysterious ways. Meant to happen, I feel.” 

I scoff. “Meant to happen,” what an evil thing to say.

I begin to walk off, stopping of course, only to get in the last word. 

“Not only have you told me that my master has been killed, but you lack any empathy. There is no emotion in your eyes. Nothing.”

“We mourn your master y/n, just as much as you do. You know what we stand for. You know our view on attachments.”

“He's like-,” I choke. “He was like my father.”

I can’t even begin to explain the pain I feel. Disgust in myself, I should’ve been better. I could’ve been better. The last few years of our relationship I’ve just been behaving poorly and rebelling, and then getting angry at him when he made me face the consequences. Like I wasn’t aware of the job I was made to do. I should’ve been nicer, I could’ve been nicer. It’s all going in a circle, all the things I should’ve done just morphed into things I couldn’t do. Maybe I was too emotional. Maybe my tears that fell leading up to this moment was all part of the plan, the final kicker to show that I wasn’t apathetic enough for this job. My empathy, my burning passion will always be my biggest flaw. This hole that gapes inside of me will never be filled, and now it grows bigger. It’s like a disease. Am I enough? Will I ever be enough?

“Put you with Master Kenobi, we will.” States Master Yoda. 

Master Windu is quick in turning his head. He glares at him. 

“Master Yoda, General Kenobi has just finished his training with Anakin. It is far too early to give him a new Padawan, if at all.”

Yoda nods, almost giggling. 

“Yet so freshly knighted, a Padawan Anakin already has. Obi Wan will have no problem with taking on a student. Graduates soon, she will.”

“But General Kenobi and I have two completely different methods of combat, let alone ideals.” I scoff. 

“All Jedi have the same ideals.” Adds Windu. 

“He is a Jedi guardian, I am a Jedi sentinel-“

“Train with General Kenobi you will. Not long ago he also lost his master too soon.”

Master Yoda nods to me. He stands up and walks over to the large windows behind him. Looking out over Coruscant, he takes a deep sigh of relief. 

“Master Windu,” says Yoda. “Get in contact with the 212th battalion.” 

I watch on as my fate now rests in a stranger's hands.

[theliterarywitch]

An Introduction to Divination

   What is Divination? Who can practice it? What should it be used for? Whether you're a fledgeling witch just starting out or a tenured practitioner well versed in the different types of magic, one way or another you're more than likely going to find yourself coming across the term "Divination." For some of you, you're trying to deep-dive into the theory and practice of Divination, trying to reach out and grasp the knowledge that will allow you to strengthen and exercise your psychic ability and intuitiveness. For others, you may just be wishing to touch up on some magical knowledge. Either way, here's a collection of some thorough information I've gathered on Divination, and different facets of the craft. Some of the information is borrowed from online resources I've combed, so enjoy!

What is it?

   Essentially, Divination is a practice of magic in which someone attempts to get an insight into a question or situation they have, by using ritual work and application. Although a lot of people who practice Divination have different ideas and follow different traditions in regards to the craft, the basic general understanding is that with Divination someone can interpret messages gathered from either their own collective unconscious or from communication with the natural/spiritual world.

    While a lot of people practice Divination by using tools such as a Scrying Glass, Tarot Cards, etc, Divination can also be done without the implementation of physical substances. For example, instead of relying on a Tarot Deck specifically, someone can get a bit of insight by going through some deep meditation and connecting to a spiritual guide of sorts. Either way, the base-divinatory skill that's the most important is the ability to still your mind, so that you can open up the gateway for information and notions to pass through without your judgement or anything clouding it.

Psychic Ability and You

   For some people, whether they follow Pagan/spiritual traditions or not, the innate psychic ability that we're all born with is fairly pronounced and evident. In truth, everyone possesses some form of latent psychic talent, it's just that for some it's more obvious, where with others it's more like a well within their body, waiting to be tapped into. Some of us are able to completely divine the future or whatever we're looking for, while others get mere grasps and messages from the spiritual/natural world. With knowledge of what Pschic Ability is, most consider there to be a few different types of Pschic Talent.

         *Precognition, which is when you have the ability to know the future, or see glimpses into it. Some people with precognition abilities are able to get very definite messages, while others get more vague ideas of stuff that's gonna happen.

          *Intuition, which is that gut feeling you get when you just KNOW something without being shown or told. Intuitive people make awesome Tarot readers, and another word for intuition is "clairsentience."

           *Clairvoyance, the ability to see or know things that are hidden. Locating lost objects, finding hidden paths, things like that.

           *Empathy, wich is the ability to sense feelings, thoughts and emotions from another person. People with a great deal of empathy are known as Empaths, and they can be so strongly influenced by someone elses energies that they often need to develop methods of shielding themselves from it.

            *Another form of psychic ability can  be found in that of a Medium, which is someone who gets direct or indirect contact from the Spirit World. Some can hear or see actual spirits, while other people get messages through dreams or visions. A few people can actually allow the spirit they're communicating with/through to use them as a vessel of sorts, the spirit writing or speaking through the Medium.

Flexing your Psychic Muscle

   Ultimately, the all-time best method of honing your psychic talent is through meditation, because it allows us to sort of comb through our subconscious and sort through everything that's there. However, there are other little tidbits and whatnot that you can do that will help as well.

       *Acheive deliberate clarity. To do this, you need to train yourself and work torwards being aware of everything around you. Pick up on and take note of everything that's happening in the world around you; Changes in the sunlight, shifts in the shadows. Consider the change in direction and intensity of the wind, etc. This will help you out later on, help you interpret what's real and what's not in regards to the messages you're going to be getting through your craft.

       *Listen to what's being said, and what's not. A lot of times, someone might say one thing, but mean or be leaving out another. If you ask someone how they're doing, they may say "Fine. The kids are good..." but there's no mention of their spouse, so perhaps there's a reason for that. Understand that omission is still a form of communication.

      *Meditate regularly. One of the best ways to strengthen your flexible ability is to meditate.

      *Learn to trust your gut.

      *Write everything down. If you ever have a dream about someone, or a particular situation, write it down. If you get an intense feeling that something's gonna happen, write it down. By keeping a journal of the times you experience these feelings/dreams and whatnot, you can go back and look through them to see if they hold any validity. Did the thing you thought was gonna happen come to pass? Bear in mind, sometimes we get messages that we can never confirm, because there's just no way of knowing.

      *Test yourself. If you ever get a hunch or feeling about something, try to confirm if you're right or if that hunch is valid. If you're gonna meet with your friend later, try and guess what kind of music she's listening to in her car, or what you guys might talk about when she gets there. When she arrives, ask her, or wait to see if it happens. When your phone rings, before you look at the Caller ID try and guess who's calling. Visualize it, imagine it. When you answer the phone, see if you're correct. Little exercises like this will help you develop your innate abilities.

       *Practice helps. If I could double-bold that, I would. Practice with things like Divination is NOT going to make you perfect, but it will allow you to sharpen your intuitive talent so that you can proceed down the path that suits you.

Tip for Divination

   Some people like to perform spellwork or rituals will do some form of Divination prior to magical application, to help them decide how they should go about their spellcasting. Alternatively, some like to perform Divination AFTER spellwork to see get a feel for the general success of what they've done.

  All in all, Divination is a very fulfilling and spiritually expansive practice, that can really open our minds to a world of possibilities, allowing us to have an idea of what we're dealing with before it hits us in the face. A lot of people write Divination off as just guesswork and scams, but those people don't realize that when we practice Divination, we're not simply predicting someone's future. OK...Maybe we are, but that's not all we're doing. When we do readings and predictions, we're giving ourselves a brief look into different situations and ideas that we have. Starting a new job? Getting married? Want to know how to connect better with loved ones? Divination allows us to look at these challenges and possible things we're gonna face, and determine the right way to go about them, or what to expect.

    Maybe you don't feel right practicing Divination, maybe it's not something you support or hold validity in. That's perfectly fine, it's still something that I feel everyone should at least have an idea about or read up on, and I hope the information I've gathered guides your way somehow down your magical or spiritual path.

***NOTE, I am a Literary Witch, meaning that the majority of my spellwork/ritual cleansing and whatnot consists of study and research. The information gathered here has been collected from various sites, blogs, and other means of study. Sites like ThoughtCo have been used. I've added my own personal twist to the wording and whatnot, but I do not claim credit for work recognized or found in other forms of media.