#or playing the same 12 year old video game ive sunk over 2000 hours into in the last 10 years

[sonicenvy]

i am suddenly having the desire to Make Stuff again and i have 30 tabs of internet shopping open on my computer. the jittery energy is humming on my skin and i feel like screaming and crying and like. i know. i know what it means. i know. but i still want to follow this instead of like... trying to go to bed, break the patterns move ahead and all that jazz.

instead im stuck here doing fucking nothing and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. im never where i should be im never when i should be. i have 50000 things unfinished screaming at me and i havent cleaned shit in months and im behind and behind and behind and behind a step too late a beat off and it never fucking ends. im loud and clumsy and too much and can’t shut the everloving fuck up and i cant look people in the face and i cant sit still and i can’t shrink and sit in quiet and stillness. i cant stop and i cant take care of myself and like i know why. i know why. the things i havent done hang on me and scream and scream and follow me like ghosts that can’t let go reminding me of all the things i havent been and all the things i promised and never delivered. i know i know i know i know. i hate spending my life like this. i think i want to change but i think im also too scared to try and i don’t know how to do things slow and wait and slog and slog and make the fucking effort. im so all or nothing so stuck waiting for energy to be there to carry me all the way through and vanish all time and all need and limitation. im sometimes so self-centered and i hate myself for that sometimes. i know. i know. i know.

im a crazy lady and lads it’s fucking awful. this is a constant, violent roller coaster that never fucking ends and it’s ugly and it makes me a terrible person sometimes because i don’t do what i promise to and im not where im meant to be, and i don’t think my actions or my words through and i don’t shut up and i can’t read the room and im too much and too loud and i can’t listen meaningfully to people unless i turn myself off and become Customer Service Lady™ who doesn’t have any interiority and is like ... literally no one.