#bipolar journals

[sonicenvy]

suuuper hate that literally every time I end up without ADHD or bipolar meds I colossally fuck up my life within DAYS, and get myself stuck in a shitty hole that takes me aaages to climb out of. Zero stars.

[gloomypixiie]

[paradoxical-plutonian]

"Weeping Willow", July 4, 2023

[haruharuz]

Mindset Challenge: Week One

I’m an effort to improve my mental health (as it is kind of horrific) I’m doing a mindset challenge. I’ll post one of these every week so you can follow along.

Reframe your thoughts: Change the first thought in quotations to something similar to the second thought as often as you can. Follow up with an ACTION (A).

“I should have done more” : “I cannot bring back past time, but I can do more in the future.” A: Do one thing for a goal without procrastinating or use a pomodoro for 30 minutes

“I wish I would have-“ : “I didn’t do something I wanted, but I will do that soon!” A: Make plans to do something you think you’d WISH you’d done in the future. (Go out to eat, color, concert etc)

Feelings & Solutions:

“I’m so behind!” = feeling overwhelmed, demotivated, anxious. Solution: “What can I celebrate?” + Write/Say 5 things you did that were productive in any way today.

“I’m never going to make it.” = feeling tired, unoriginal, demotivated, and uncared for. Solution: “It is okay if I do not, but I will try.” + Write down two positive thoughts about your version of “making it” + 3 minutes of yoga or more

Stop Obsessive Thoughts:

That thought isn’t helpful right now

This is irrational I am going to let it go

I should not be making myself suffer, I deserve to feel good

Shadow Work Journal Prompt:

What was one time you royally fucked up? How did you respond? What did you learn from this? How do you feel about this now? Write down three things you need to hear in regards to this situation.

Other:

Go one hour per day with no social media. This is the perfect time for working on goals or relaxing

Do at least two yoga sessions per week that totals up to 1 hour.

Mental Health Checklist:

Have you eaten a meal? Have a meal or a snack.

Have you had water? Drink a glass.

Is your space messy? Tidy it for 5 minutes.

Did you brush your teeth/hair? If not, go do that.

Are you still in pajamas? Change into comfortable daily clothing.

[phtalogreenpoison]

bit of a vent,,, bit of a pep talk,, read below the cut

sometimes i want to go off my meds. i'm like it's annoying to be dizzy all the time and sometimes i go kinda flat emotionally. like i'm not numb or apathetic (been on too high a dose and i did NOT like that) but still.

but i know if i do, my mood swings are too hard for me to handle. i get angry all the time and i try so hard not to lash out at people i care about.

and yet i still miss the highs. i miss the days where i felt like i was pouring out creativity, writing a song every day, funny and carefree (or anyways, less anxious). i miss not needing as much sleep to function.

and i can't even say "oooh that's the demons talking" bc my ocd ass will be like "what if you actually ARE evil and possessed??" which i know isn't true, but still.

and yet. it's hard to know that i am reliant upon another person prescribing me medicine and hopefully not judging me for it, especially when i might have to change doctors soon. that if i ever run out, i'm likely in for a very bad time. that the side effects might catch up with me. that certain things become more likely for my body.

also that my memory is fuzzy for chunks of my life. i don't feel like i'm getting any smarter, like i'm actively declining. i am in my 20s.

it's just kinda the grief of realizing my life might not be exactly how i planned it, that i might not be capable of as much as i thought, at least in the way most people do.

and yet i persist. i keep going. i take the damn pills every single day (or try to). because that is currently what is best for me.

but like hell am i going to judge someone who refuses medication. it better damn well be their choice, and i regret every single day judging someone in my past for being rebellious and violent without ever considering WHY they were that way. what society pushed them to without ever offering a hand back up. because the system (at least where i live) is broken, especially in regards to mental and physical health.

and i'm one of the lucky ones. i realized pretty early on what was going on, even though hardly anyone believed me at first, or that i was exaggerating. or that i was "normal." (great way to never trust yourself or think that you're manipulating or gaslighting by saying you're Hurting, by the way.) i can afford the co-pays. i am so, so lucky.

and yet, i'm still hurting. i want attention pretty much near constantly, especially from my favorite people, but i'm a quiet person who has a hard time reaching out. i doubt myself pretty near constantly and have extremely low self worth, even after so long of putting in the work to actively better myself. i hate people easily, based on one comment they say, or think they're fantastic for barely any reason. (and i can feel myself emphasizing what i want people to see, so people pay attention to me)

i'm still me. horribly so. beautifully so. even when i don't know who that is on the bad days.

please keep going. i promise it's worth it. i can't promise it always gets easier or better, but i can promise it's worth it.

especially for the people who love you unconditionally, without reservation. and for yourself. if you're not there yet, that's okay. you might never get there fully, but it's still worth it. because you can still experience love and joy and grief and friendships and relationships of all kinds and community and culture and and and. for the brief walk we have upon this earth, there are wonders to see and experience.

hold my hand in this darkness together. we shall sit as long as you need.

[themamabair]

Once, I saw a Facebook post. I must have been a teenager or early 20’s. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something along the lines of, “The kids are asleep. You’re on the couch watching the fireplace with your spouse. Tomorrow is Christmas. You’ve waited for this.”

This. This is exactly what I’ve waited for. Today we cooked, cleaned, and made the house ready for guests with just a couple final touches to be done before they come tomorrow. David and I spent time in love together. We enjoyed a family holiday party where Bair was showered in adoration and spent quality time with his cousins. We came home, put him to bed, and brought his Santa present upstairs. And then we sat on the couch and watched South Park together, which is more indicative of us as a couple than watching any cheesy Christmas movie.

I used to hate holidays. I never thought I could feel this way on Christmas Eve, content and happy and full of life. I’ve been in a BP depressive episode for a bit now, but how can I not be happy when all this love and beauty is happening around me? I can’t wait for tomorrow and to give all the presents and joy that I’ve wrapped up.

Merry Christmas Eve!

[kennieswrld]

coffee and soup

i had soup with a side of coffee today. it was a weird combo. i dont think i liked it very much. i was just hungry. i felt depressed so i thought drinking caffeine would help. i wish i had nicotine. it helps with the echos in my head. it feels slower than the fast paced world. i know people think i’m crazy. i know people may find me odd. i literally drink soup and coffee for breakfast.

[shespillsherself]

Last night I dreamt of unknown path, it was quite a safe place to hold on.

[pendraegon]

sorry sometimes u get into fob in the year 2005 when ur 10 years old and info has been stored in a section of ur brain for years and now u know things

[sonicenvy]

Had a desire to go for a run tonight that wasn’t accompanied by deep self hatred and loathing or a desire to hurt myself. Did not go for a run, but this could potentially be a great development (if it’s not hypomania) because I haven’t had a desire for exercise (especially running) without garbage feelings in over a decade.

Tragic that I feel suspiciously good right now…

[gloomypixiie]

@pastelpixi

[paradoxical-plutonian]

I don't know when I became a stranger to life itself...

June 23, 2023

[arctic-hands]

I learned what a bullet journal was by watching a few YouTube artists set theirs up and my algorithm spiraled out of control from there so I guess I have all the bujo influencers to thank for getting into it because it has been a godsend so far on my third attempt, but damn if the over emphasis on aesthetic over the actual practical organizational aspect of it doesn't rankle me a bit

[thirty rambling tags later] huh. I didn't know there was a thirty tag limit in all the years I've been on tumblr. Whatevs I can't copy paste the tags onto the main body because I'm on mobile and I don't want to write it out again so I'll just summarize the last bit here:

If you are browsing the bujo tag because you feel bullet journaling will help you but you feel intimated because you don't think you can make it look pretty, or that the bullet journal method could never help you because it looks exhausting or the inspo you see doesn't cover what you need, I am pleading with you to ignore all the pretty inspiration, take the most common and even original Ryder Carroll formats and spreads with a grain of salt and eliminate or change them as needed, and talk to people who have similar needs than you even if they don't bujo and suss out what's important to keep track of. My bujo is eighty percent important medical bullshit, because that's what I need more than a book tracker. You prolly have your own unique needs. And hell, if you want a book tracker then add a booktracker. It's your bujo to format and plan out.

So like if you want to start bullet journaling, go to Michaels and get a seven dollar Artist's Loft dot grid journal. Or a binder you have left over from school years past and print out your own dot grid paper if you have enough ink and paper and printer that can do double sided (Kevin McLeod's site I forget the name of has free adjustable dot and other grids I've used), or buy a pack of 8.5x11 dot grid paper, and grab a crappy hole punch that just barely does the job. Get yourself a nice pen you think looks and feels nice in your hand and on the paper–or if that doesn't matter to you go get pack of Bics or even pencil if that's what you prefer (I use a pencil for things I can't have be permanent, like temporary meds or the dates of yearly vaccines). If you're twitchy about messing up then get the cheapest wite out they have (but don't worry about messing up especially if you're not even showing it off to anybody). A cheap yellow highlighter if you think it'll help. And a ruler if straight lines are important to you. I lost mine so I just wobble my lines now I don't care (and it's marginally easier to get a line adjacent to straight with a dot grid)

Anyway. If you want to bullet journal but don't know where to start or how to make it pretty or how to make it work for your needs, just try it in the cheapest way possible and rearrange the guts of the bujo as you see fit. And don't worry about the optics as long as you can make sense of your methods and writing.

(and for the love of God if you're bipolar don't make an hourly mood tracker yes our moods can and will fluctuate throughout the day but goddamn was that a bitch to log and abandoned a few weeks after inking it out)

[mckickass]

i keep telling myself. Love is universal. Love is in many forms. From the fresh air, trees, flowers, animals, that feeling when you feel understood. Well. This other part of me is self sabotaging. And keeps acting like a jealous little bitch. And i keep telling myself “if i act like a jealous, little bitch, I’m not going to get or go anywhere in life” a healthy amount of jealousy is normal. But not to the point where you’re questioning your worth and if that person is really thinking of you or not.

[bpdstevenuniverse]

// TRIGGER WARNINGS - suicidal thoughts and mention of self-harm

love when my dad makes my suicidal thoughts and self-harm about other people instead. "you're just going to drive your loved ones away" yeah, thanks dad, that's certainly not going to make me want to die and/or hurt myself more

[autumnbell32]

1/15/24 at 1225: I'm Scared, and I Want to Remember This Feeling

There are ugly sides to this chronic, severe mental illness- things that happen in dark, isolated rooms amongst body odor and empty food cartons- that I'm not going to avoid sharing because that doesn't help anyone. This disease puts its sufferers in a damp, lonely, sticky place. Friends, this is the most unhealthy I have ever been, regardless of the fact that my therapist says I'm still making progress. I'm on three medications- one an antipsychotic (never wanted to deal with the neurological and metabolic side effects of those again) and I'm still about 60 pounds heavier than my normal weight. I binge to numb the emotional pain and feelings of loss (I've only had rare instances of depression actually decreasing my appetite and causing weight loss). I'm 38, diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease run in my family, and my health just isn't going to hold up against this illness anymore (I'm really worried the damage is already done). I have a past history of being somewhat fit and active, but now I feel as if I have betrayed my body more than it is willing to accept. I'm scared and I want to remember this feeling.

I see a gynecologist who treats PMDD tomorrow morning and am begging the universe for some relief because I really can't keep weathering these cycles on my own anymore- my sails are full of holes. Remove one stone, protect my health for a little longer, so that I can continue to be strong enough to come out the other side of this. I am determined that my life will be better by the fall. I've already put some plans in place and am just hoping that it isn't too late for me.

Yesterday I left my apartment for a while. I needed cat food and litter, and was starting to feel stir crazy behind these walls (the drywall type and the type that depression builds). It took a bit of time to get the snow and ice off of my car- the temperature was about -20 F with windchill, so I was worried about frostbite since my circulation sucks. It sucks even more after all of the weight gain. I finished my errands but got stuck in the snow at an intersection, though two gentlemen were kind enough to push my car out. Then, when I arrived back home, the smartlock on my apartment door had jammed from the cold. I was locked out of my apartment, cat food and litter and coffee and charger cord in my arms, and had to call maintenance. The poor guy said these type of locks only belong in warmer environments and he had been up since the predawn hours fixing jammed smartlocks in the bitter cold. Even though I waited in my running car, legs hanging down and resting on heels, my feet went numb- specifically the heels. I didn't regain feeling in them for over 30 minutes. In a dumb panic, I kept rubbing them, pressing them into the floor, and rested them on a heating pad. Today they are sore, probably from me constantly pushing on them, but that scares me. The skin looks fine, feeling has completely returned, and I can discern light touch. I hear my body's messages, telling me that my health is fading behind this illness.