#ovo.txt

[kestreleve]

just saw someone online describing their autistic experience as “always grieving the things you want to be but aren’t made for” and I emotionally collapsed. I feel that so much

[kestreleve]

might delete this blog soon so just a heads up, if I disappear I didn’t block you lol and yes I’m okay

[kestreleve]

out of curiosity what headphones/earbuds do y’all use to listen to music and do you have particular reasons why?

[kestreleve]

y’all… I got the promotion and a 15% raise

[kestreleve]

do y’all ever think about deleting your blog, making a new one, and starting completely over

[kestreleve]

accept yourself as you are. tell people no. embrace a slower rhythm of life. do all of this unapologetically. lead by example and show others it is okay to do so

[kestreleve]

if you unfollowed me for posting wet specimens, you’re weak

[kestreleve]

y’all will really see a photo of outside, anywhere, and tag it “ethel cain”

[kestreleve]

being sober is incredibly difficult and I am in my feelings about it

[kestreleve]

often times I think about how I’d like to die a mediocre person. a person who lived life day by day, did her best to enjoy it, and accepted it for what it was in my own little corner of existence. I do not ever want to aspire for fame, for popularity, for exceptionalism.

that is not to say that I don’t have dreams or aspirations! I just like to think that by now, they’re realistic dreams, accessible even. learning how to better sing, play guitar, write, be a good wife, be a good friend—things I can always improve upon.

this mindset has brought me a lot of peace and helped me be gentler with myself

[kestreleve]

ask game: tagged by @hauntanelle 🤍

do you make your bed: yes, but around noon every day when I take my lunch break (I work from home). I leave it messy in the morning because I'm lazy

what’s your favorite number: 3 (I like to imagine three things in a row, perfectly centered, and enjoy the symmetry. I am somewhat obsessed with symmetry)

current job: I work as an administrator/manager in academia

if you could go back to school, would you: no, I've tried twice now and dropped out both times lol. I can't do graduate school and full-time work at the same time. I could probably handle undergrad but I have no desire to go back at this point.

can you parallel park: only if it's not an incredibly tight space

a job you had that would surprise people: hmmm probably when I taught Chinese kids English online? that job required me to be incredibly animated and socially "on"/masking 24-7. draining, but rewarding. I really enjoyed it, the kids were so sweet, but felt bad that the kids were often worked really hard and had super high expectations placed upon them by their parents :/ it was a really stimmy job since the company's teaching methods promote constant TPR (total physical response), moving your face and hands a lot to help kids understand language

do you think aliens are real: yes, but I think whatever life exists outside of our planet is probably more alien than we can even conceptualize

can you drive a manual car: no

guilty pleasure: coffee, chocolate, cigarettes (rarely). the three c's

tattoos: 1) roman numerals of my wedding anniversary on my chest, matching with my husband who has them on his neck, done during our honeymoon in Daytona, 2) an abstract kestrel head that my husband designed for me on my upper arm, 3) "god loves you, but not enough to save you" on my thigh. I plan on getting wings on my back, reminiscent of kestrel wings, in the next couple years

favorite color: mossy green, followed by autumnal orange

favorite music genre: folk hands down, but I enjoy almost everything... I commonly listen to alt rock, grunge, indie pop, ambient, and general singer-songwriter stuff. folk and grunge are most inspirational to me when writing my own music

do you like puzzles: no. life is an exhausting puzzle enough on its own

phobias: sharp objects (I imagine them stabbing or slashing me whether I want to or not and it's extremely visceral), cockroaches (from adverse experiences living with them in shitty places), mold (again, from living with it and getting sick). I am fortunate to live in much better circumstances now

favorite childhood sport: I didn't have any because I'm terrible at every single sport, was consistently picked last in every "pick your team" game. I have my autism to thank for that

do you talk to yourself: when I'm alone, yes. I developed that habit when living alone and it never went away. I don't have an internal monologue so speaking out loud helps me get my thoughts together

favorite movies: A Ghost Story, Only Lovers Left Alive, The Platform, Snowpiercer, many others. I like horror movies and thrillers most. I always include The Platform in my list of favorite movies because I think its message is incredibly important and I want everyone to watch it

coffee or tea: coffee, but I enjoy both

first thing you wanted to be when you grew up: a traditional artist

if y'all feel like doing this (no pressure whatsoever lol): @holohedral @bytheeborder @saintazazel @inniave @halo--hall @critterfarm

[kestreleve]

I’m at work and my husband is texting me pictures of dresses from the thrift store… I found one I like and am upset I can’t be there to try it on so he’s trying it on for me bc we have similar measurements. I love him

[kestreleve]

I have rediscovered the joys of city pop and vaporwave to lift me up when I am sad

[kestreleve]

honestly I am doing the best mentally than I have ever been, I can gladly say all the suffering has been worth it

[kestreleve]

sober for 3 weeks now

[kestreleve]

already having a terrible day at work, then heading to a meeting got pulled over for not completely stopping at a stop sign (with nobody around whatsoever except for a hiding cop!!), had a complete meltdown in my car and I’m over it, tranquilize me