#pain + stupid anxious about work/finances because I think I need to tell my boss that I need to reduce my hours or go on an LOA for a month

[ringneckedpheasant]

love to take my trazodone at 11 & then still be up at 2am when I have to work at 6 like knowing how exhausted I’m going to be tomorrow is just making it harder to fall asleep because now I’m anxious about how much tomorrow will suck And it’s too late to take more trazodone

[lazy-safetastic-13]

13 or 16 kustard?

Here you go! Sorry for the wait! I didn’t expect it to get this long to be really honest, and many times I wrote it as angst than hurt and comfort orz

Goes to show my rustiness. 

I chose 16. “Stop telling me you’re okay.”

I thought it was ‘fine’ but when I saw that it was ‘okay’ Had to do some change up. derp. 

Title: It’s Not Okay, but It Will Be

Pairing: Kustard

Words: 3, 402

It was …different.

No … Itwas hard; if he didn’t sugar-coat it.

When he wasin university, he had taken English as his major. 

While his brother hadinitially been displeased with the idea, he didn’t completely object to it andhad actually supported him when he graduated with honours.

Literaturewas his passion.

His dreamwas to have his book published and for people to read his works. And he doesn’tregret taking it.

… Atleast, he didn’t at the time.

Rejection,after rejection, after rejection from multiple companies he submitted sample ofhis works to, his enthusiasm and optimism at the prospect greatly diminished.

His lover,Sans, now an accomplished researcher after graduating in the sciences, how theywere still together baffled him to this day, had been very supportive andencouraging along with his little brother who was now a successful CEO of ashowbiz company.

He didn’twant their efforts to waste, so he kept trying and trying and trying.

Maybe he just wasn’t good enough; wasn’t meeting the standards of today’s society—thatit was crap.

Sans, hisbrother, and the other friends he’d made said otherwise, having read small bitsof his stories that he had been enthusiastic to share at the time, but now hethought they were just being nice. They were his friends after all. It wasbiased.

He figuredthat was the case, because then, how was it that he kept getting rejected?

Red sighedas he placed a can onto the shelf, followed by another, and another, andanother.

Workingfull-time in a grocery store was not where he wanted to be, but if it paid thebills, it would have to do.

After Sansand him hit it off, they bought a humble apartment close to Sans’ workplacethat the latter would only need to walk to get there.

Currently,his lover was visiting his brother in Italy and wouldn’t be back for a coupleof weeks.

It had beenpractically a month since then, and while they would find the time to make latenight calls, Red missed him.

The skeletongripped a can bit too tight that a small dent was made. He placed it at the back ofthe shelf.

“Red,after you finished with that set, we still have some at the cereal section thatneeds refilling.”

“Gotit, boss.”

“Oh,and can you do a long shift today? We need an extra pair of hands at the salecoming up this afternoon.”

“Surething,” he said. Even though he didn’t want to.

They weren’tgoing to be paying him extra for working overtime. Even with seniority ofhaving worked at the goddamn place for five years, his pay was just enough forthe rent and electrical bills. Sometimes, he’d save enough for food but henever had the appetite for it.

Red sighedas he stepped down the ladder and went to his next task. He wasn’t stupidand knew that what he was doing to himself was bad … Really bad.

And hethought of telling Sans about it. Even his brother.

But…

But whenever heheard their voices, how happy they were … he just couldn’t bring himself tosay it. He couldn’t possibly burden them any further. 

He couldn’tsay how he was struggling to keep up with the finances. Sans was the oneshouldering in paying everything, and Red felt absolutely horrible and guilty.His lover’s attempts to reassure him that he was okay with it made him feellike scum instead.

So he hadsought to prove himself worthy, but only managed to land himself this job. Butat least he was able to pay his share of the bills and that was what mattered.

He wouldnever tell this though.

He couldn’ttell them that he had been starving himself. He hadn’t realized it at first,but he gradually began losing appetite as days passed to the point where hewasn’t eating for days before doing so. He wasn’t trying to kill himself … Hewas just not hungry.

No, he wouldnever say this to them.

And he will…

Red willnever tell them that he started chipping his arms.

It was asmall urge to feel something and be distracted by the harshness of reality.It was something that became a horrible habit over time the more stressed and useless he felt.

If he toldthem, it would only cause them pain. And that was the last thing he wanted them to feel.

So he won’tsay a thing. 

It was okay. 

He can handle it himself.

“Hey,Red. How are you holding up over there?”

Red shruggedhis shoulders even when the other wouldn’t be able to see it. “Well, youknow. Same shit, different day.”

Sans chuckledon the other side of the phone, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,but I’m okay though.” Okay. He started saying that often in their late night calls. “Anyway, how is it over there?”

Helistened to Sans talk about new discoveries he found, of the things thathappened with his brother. He listened, because that’s the only thing he couldreally do. Red had nothing to say. 

“Oh, bythe way, are you free this Saturday? Paps and I are planning to invite everyonelike a reunion, and his place is big enough to handle the crowd. Plus, I’ll getto see you again, so it’s practically a win-win.”

Red curled ahand into a fist as he gazed on the patches of visible red marrow on his arms.

He wanted togo. He wanted to … He—"I can’t.“ The words came out before he couldstop them. “I have work that day, and my boss said they’ll need the helpfor the upcoming sales event.”

He couldpractically see the disappointment on Sans’ face and definitely heard it in histone. “Oh.”

Red clenchedhis fist tighter. He didn’t deserve Sans. Sans deserved better than a piece ofshit like him. Years of being together were a mistake. Sans just wasted his time on a low-lifelike him. 

And to think, Red had the dream to propose when he became a successfulnovelist.

How naive hewas when in reality, he was just a useless sack of bones who won’t be able tobring his partner the happiness he deserved to have.

“Iguess it can’t be helped then … Are you sure you couldn’t just … cancel tomake up for it?”

“No.”The skeleton lost count how many times he had lied to him. He guessed itwas the fiftieth.

Sans sighed,and changed the subject. “I’m sure to come home in two weeks, so hang onjust a bit longer.”

Red felt hissoul thump hard in his chest.

“Haveyou been eating well? You told me you missed some meals because of work. Areyou taking care of yourself properly?”

Stars, someone better fit Sans more than him.

“I’mokay, Sans.” Fifty-first lie.

“Really?”The tone was filled with worry and doubt, and Red didn’t like where it wasgoing.

“Nothingbad happened? You said you fell off the stairs and chipped your bones. Havethey fully healed?”

Red had forgottenthat he did try to tell Sans about the new tendencies, butended up lying about it. "That was a long time ago, Sans.“

“Iknow, I was just—I just really miss you, you know.”

Red felt hissoul ache. He was such a shitty lover. “… I miss you too.“ Missyou so much, he didn’t say.

"I’llbe home as soon as I can. Take care of yourself.”

“I toldyou already, I'm okay.” Fifty-second.

“Justreminding you … Love you, Red.”

Theskeleton’s eye lights followed the small trail of blood that dripped from hisfist to his leg.

“… Loveyou too.”

He was justfine.

It had beena week since then, and he hadn’t heard from Red.

Every timehe called, it would lead to voice-mail and it made him anxious and jittery. Red almost alwayspicked up, but he didn’t think much of it because maybe the latter had beenswamped with work.

Sans lookedaround. The party was going great. Though, it would’ve been much better if his partner was there.

Sanscouldn’t believe that Red accepted when he asked him out.

Red was verystrong willed, something that attracted him to the latter. And more so when hefound out the other’s love for puns like he did. 

Not to mention that he was a doting brother to his own, caring for him very much, and was very intelligent. 

Then therewere the stories he wrote; stunning and brilliant, it truly surprised him that… that no one would accept Red’s works.

Sansgrowled. He doubted those fuckers even read it. Looking down at the wine inhis hand, he swirled it mindlessly.

He wasn’tblind, even if he ignored to address the elephant in the room.

He knew thathis lover was struggling, and it was disheartening to say the least how Redstopped trying to send his work to publishers. He couldn’t blame him though.Rejection after rejection was not easy thing to swallow.

And with himgone for so long, Sans was really worried. The calls barely did anything toassure him that Red was doing fine. If anything, every call made his soulclench and all he wanted to do was get back to his partner immediately; especially whenthe latter kept saying he was okay.

What didthey say? “I’m okay” is all just a big lie?

He felt theywere anyway; as if Red was trying to assure himself instead and his uneasiness increased.

Sans sighed,taking out a small purple box from his pocket.

He had beenplanning to propose for almost a month but he didn’t know if Red would beready.

When he toldhis brother and Fell, they had been more than thrilled and supportive of it,bringing him hope and courage to buy the rings he had been saving up for.

But Sanspocketed the box with another sigh and took a swig of his drink.

He guessed that it was still early to confess, but he’ll hold onto it longer. Because there was just no way he was going to let Red go. 

He’ll callhis lover again. 

They needed to talk. 

He waspathetic.

A piece ofbone hit the floor.

He was scum.

Anotherfell.

And another,and another.

Redcontinued to scrape his arm, ignoring the sight of red marrow, ignoring theprickling sensation, ignoring the blood—ignoring everything.

Distraction,distraction, distraction.

Red had beenneglecting to answer Sans’ calls, allowing the guilt to surge inside of him. 

Hewould cry himself to sleep listening to the messages that was left.

He was really pathet—a loud ring startled him from his thoughts.

Hisbreathing became heavy at thought that it was his lover again and his thinking beganto venture into ideas of break ups and Sans leaving him.

But theringtone was different.

Red calmedenough to really hear the music.

It wasPapyrus; Sans’ brother.

Red’sshoulders sagged in both relief and disappointment. By the third ring, he gotup to answer it.

He rarelygot a call from the tall skeleton, so he didn’t have any reason to ignore him.

“Hell—”

“Red.”

Red’s eyelights dilated at the voice. His whole body shook in fear.

He needed tohang up.

“Wait!”As if his intentions were heard. “I just … I just wanted to hear yourvoice. Please don’t hang up. I miss you, Red. And I’ve been … youweren’t answering.”

Red didn’tsay a thing.

… But he didn’t hang up.

He couldhear Sans take a deep breath before starting again, “Are you … are youokay?”

Red felthimself tense for a bit. His hands trembling as he took moments toanswer; to make sure his voice wasn’t strained.

He needed toact normal.

Heneeded to be okay.

“Yeah.I-I’m o—”

“Stopit.”

Red froze asdread and apprehension washed over him.

“Stoptelling me you’re okay. I know you’re not.”

Red felt hisbreath hitch and everything was becoming blurry.

“I …I don’t know what’s going on because I’m not there with you, but I want toknow. Please. Please talk to me Red.”

And the pleading and desperation in his lover’s voice broke his barriers. 

“I’msorry, Sans. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Re—”

“I’m ashitty lover. You deserve better. I’m just so pathetic. And you really deservesomeone who’s more successful and can support you and, and—”

“Red!”

“I’vebeen chipping myself.”

Red heard a gasp,but he kept going. The words just continued to spill forth. 

“I haven’t been eating much. I never have the appetite.I just make enough to pay the bills because I didn’t want you to worry. And thechipping.” He was sobbing. “I know it was bad. Really bad. But I justneeded something to distract myself. And I … I just. I don’t know.” Hisvoice trailed off, sniffling and defeated. “I don’t know what I’m doingwith myself. I hate my job. I hate that my degree didn’t do much. It’s all gone down to shit.”

He wiped hiseyes but tears continued to fall. “I’m a mistake. And you deservebetter.”

When he hadnothing more to say, he waited for the latter to get angry. He waited for Sansto end their relationship right there and then.

But hedidn’t expect to hear crying.

“Ohstars. Oh my stars. Red. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you’ve been feelingthis way. And I—” Red could hear the latter sobbing much like him and hefelt remorse in causing such pain.

“Listento me. I want you to really listen to my words. Believe in them. Can you dothat for me?”

Red made anoise that he hoped was of agreement.

“I loveyou. You’re strong, independent, smart, and just the sweetest monster I’ve ever met. Idon’t care if you don’t think I deserve you. I want you. Do you hearme, Red? I don’t care if I’m the one paying the bills either. I just … Fucking hell.I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy and I-I—fuck.”

Red rarelyheard Sans cry but more so when the latter swore.

“Don’tdo this to yourself. I fucking won’t let you.”

Now, more orless calmed, Red tried to say something back; to apologize at how ridiculous he was being in keeping it all in. “San—”

“Quityour job.”

“W-What?”His soul thumped hard in his chest.

“Quitit. I don’t care how long it will take, but I want you find something thatyou’ll be happy with.”

“But—”

“No buts.”

Red stayedquiet after that. He didn’t have the fight to argue, not when he had been solost.

“AndI’m coming over there to bring you here.”

Red eyelights grew, “What?!”

“I’llbe there in two hours. Pack your things for a 2-week stay.”

“I …okay.”

“… Good … That’s good.” He heard Sans breathe out. “I’ll see you soon, okay? I love you Red. You mean so much to me.”

“I-I’m,”the skeleton found himself tearing up again. “I love you too. So much,Sans. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not forgiving you until I see you with your bag ready.”

And with aclick, Red breathed.

And helaughed.

He felt …light. 

But he certainly had a lot of making up to do in putting his lover through all that.

So he got upand began his packing.

Through themidst of it, he came across one of the recent drafts he had worked on in thepast; one that he had been especially proud of.

“…One more time. Just one more time.”

Making surethat it was edited and in pristine condition, he put the papers in a Manila envelope beforecontinuing his with task.

With bags at the doorway, he left the house with the envelope under his arm. He would be back after he took care of some errands.

Walking along the street, he remembered that there was anearby publishing company he came across on the way home. From time totime, he found himself standing in front of it, only to leave without doinganything.

But not anymore.

He enteredthe building, and met with the receptionist; a nice and sweet old woman.

“Oh,have you come to drop an entry?”

“Yes, please.”

“Allright. Just fill up the form and hand it in with your work when you’redone.”

It didn’ttake long to complete, but there was something truly unexplainable about thefeeling of giving someone a story you’ve worked on. It certainly had been a long time. 

Both relief and anxiousnesscame at once, but what was done was done the moment he let go.

He walked out of there feeling lighter than before.

Stars, he really should’ve talked to Sans earlier. 

Now, there wasone more thing he needed to do before he met up with him.

“You’requitting?!”

“Yes,sir.”

“Why?Is it the pay? Look, I can increase your salary and bump your position to storemanager!”

Red cringedand sternly shook his head.

“Idon’t understand, Red. You’re one of my best employees. Isn’t there somethingyou want? I’m sure we can negotiate this.”

But therewas nothing to talk about. 

Red handed him his resignation letter beforeturning to leave.

He was donewith this place.

He came hometo find Sans frantically looking around the house. And when he was spotted, hislover ran to embrace him tight.

“Ohfuck, thank the stars! You scared me Red! Shit, I—” he didn’t say anymoreas he placed his head on Red’s shoulder.

The latterreturned the gesture just as tight. “I’m sorry for putting you throughthis.”

“I—”

“No.I’m going to have to earn your forgiveness and trust.” Red pulled back tolook at his still troubled partner that he couldn’t help smiling gently at him. “Iquit my job just like you said.”

Sans wassurprised before he became filled with pride and joy. “That’s astart.”

“And…” The hesitation was for the skeleton to catch a breath. “Isubmitted one of my latest stories.”

“Red—”

“Butthis is the last time. Because I think … I was thinking that maybe it was time topursue something else.”

“If you think that’s the—”

“I’msure of it.” Red grabbed Sans’ face and kissed him. “I’m going to beokay. For real this time.”

The radiantsmile he received from the skeleton reminded him how he didn’t deserve Sans …but he was going to work his hardest to make sure he did.

Just then,Sans received a text. When he saw the message, he chuckled. “Oh, oops.”

“Oops?”

“I, uh,kind of bolted out after crying and Papyrus was worried.” Sans receivedanother text. “And it looks like I worried your brother too. He probablyoverheard me talking to you. And when I left, he probably thought somethinghappened.”

Red looked down. “…Something did.”

Sans lookedat the forlorn expression before planting a kiss on the other’s forehead. “You don’t have to tellhim until you’re ready. I’m sure he’d understand.”

“He’smy little bro. He deserves to know, but I know what you mean.”

“Heh.Looks like it’s about time for us to skele-daddle then, if we’re going to makeit to the train.” Sans smiled when he heard Red laugh before he grabbed for the other’s belongings to put them onhis shoulder.

And just asthey exited their place, Red couldn’t help asking, “My brother is actuallythere? That workaholic?”

“I know,right. He was very disappointed when he found out you weren’t coming.”

They closed the door, and with Red locking it. “… Guess Ineed to make it up to him too.”

Sans graspedhis lover’s hand to intertwine it with his. “It’s going to be okay.”

“… Yeah,”Red smiled. “It will be.”

Holy smokes. :’D And to think I was planning to add more. Like an extra, but to be honest, as much as I want to. I’m kind of burnt out. Orz 

…. Ah fuck it!

Words: +279

Red received a phone call from an unknown number, and curious as to who it may be, he picked it up to answer. 

“Hello?” 

“Ah, greetings! Is this Mr. Red?” 

“Yes?”

“Wonderful! I’m Zriel, and I would like to ask when you might be available. I’d like to discuss with you at length of making a contract to mass produce your book.”

Red practically choked on his own spit, and he thought for a moment that he had gone deaf. “Ma-mass produce?”

“Why, yes. It’s a brilliant story! And I am very fortunate and honoured that you chose our company to be your sponsor; if you’ll have us, of course.”

“O-Of course! T-That would be great.” Red was going to faint soon. His soul thumped hard against his chest; it simply refused to calm down as he pressed his free hand against it.

“Fantastic! So when will you be available?”

Red continued to discuss with the head company the times to meet up as well as meeting his editor. And when the call ended, Red was really ready to pass out. 

It felt like a dream. 

Sans came out of the bedroom, yawning as he headed to where his lover stood. “Hey, you okay there?”

Red turned around and ran to embrace him. “Sans! I got accepted! T-They’re going to publish my book!” 

“W-What?! That’s amazing!” The skeleton twirled while in each other’s embrace and lost balance that they landed on the floor with a thud. 

But all they did was laugh. 

Sans looked to Red, “It’s starts here, huh.”

And the latter met his gaze. “And it’s only going to get better.”

Everything was going to be okay.

Okay, I did it. :’) This story has finally ended. 

Goodness. I’m not going to make the other’s this long …. Hopefully orz. 

Thanks for the challenge. Hope it was satisfactory. 

Thank you for reading m(__ __)m