#pardon any errors i am upset and i am on mobile

[theparadoxmachine]

I need to explain why this man means so much to me.

I grew up in the 90s, actually a little too young to have watched him the first go around. But growing up, I feel like every show I watched had a storyline where the main character has to learn the lesson Be Yourself. And that's a fine message. But those characters were specifically designed to appeal to a mass audience of kids. They were everyman style characters. And frankly, it's easier to Just Be Yourself when you're an everyman and the weirdest thing about you is that you still play with Barbies in middle school (everyone did this I think) I liked those characters fine too. There's nothing wrong with Lizzie MacGuire or Ginger Foutley. But they weren't me. The characters that most resembled me were usually in episodes where the lesson was Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover. See it's a lot harder to swallow the lesson of "Just be yourself! Give people a chance to know the real you!" When you're weird. And I was WEIRD.

I now realize that I am in fact a traumatized, mentally ill neurodivergent queer woman, but back then I was a Weird Girl. So yeah good for you Lizzie, you're not getting bullied for ribbon dancing but what were my peers supposed to do with someone like me? I was reading Poe at the age of 8. I was quiet and liked fire and wanted to be a war goddess while being afraid of everything. The family joke was that I was actually from another planet. I was processing trauma I didn't know I had while listening to John Williams and Fleetwood Mac while everyone else was listening to Hansen and the Spice Girls. I loved reading about curses and cryptids and medieval torture devices. No amount of just be yourself messages from cartoon preteens was going to cut it.

But then there was Pee-wee. Pee-wee was WEIRD. His entire thesis statement was weirdness. He was the Patron Saint of Weirdos. He looked me dead in my eyes and, as Paul said on Portlandia, told me BEING WEIRD IS NOT A CRIME. When someone with a pet pterodactyl and a talking armchair tells you it's ok to be yourself, you fucking believe them. He walked the weird walk and took as many weirdos along with him as were willing to join him. And there were many it turns out.

Would Pee-wee think my love of horror and death was weird? Probably. Would he think it was weird that I make friends with moths and wasps and spiders and snakes? Yeah. But you better believe he'd take one look at my gothy apartment and put me right at the top of his list of people to call when it was time to decorate for Halloween. I'd have been on the guest list for his Halloween parties every year. Because being weird wasn't something that needed to be forgiven or tolerated. Being weird is a GOOD thing.

I have had such a strange emotional journey lately but where I've landed now is this. I'm not sure I can live for myself right now. But I'm going to do my best to stick around. For him. For Pee-wee and for Paul. Because I know he'd want me to. He'd want me to live and be weird and rejoice in my weirdness.

And he was always there. During bouts of depression and hardship, through all my health problems. His natural soft speaking voice always resonated at the perfect frequency to calm me down during my anxiety attacks. When I was stuck at home with spinal fluid draining into my brain, I played Pee-wee's Big Adventure, because it made me happy and because the dvd always restarted without prompting so I never had to get up if I lost the remote amongst my messed up sheets.

I met him in 2017. I pushed back all my social anxiety and went alone to my first convention because he was going to be there. Doing the terrible math, this would have been around the time he probably got diagnosed. I will be forever glad I went. I was speechless but I shook his hand and held it and tried to thank him, to convey without words how and why he's one of my favorite people in the whole world. The line for the meet and greet was over 2 hours long. He had to leave in the middle to get something to eat. He went to every single person in line and apologized and promised he would be back. I regret I'll never get to bring him muffins. But he was by all accounts one of the sweetest men in the world and I'm going to spend a lot of time missing him. And rejoicing in my weirdness. Because being weird is not a crime. Because he'd want me to. Because weirdos have to stick together.

And given the people I met at that convention, I think it's safe for me to paraphrase the words of Blanche Devereaux here and say, if love can help you wherever you are, you've got it. More than you could ever know.

I love you and I miss you.

[fadedtoblue]

NYCC 2018 Daredevil Season 3 Clips: Spoilers abound!

Sorry this is a little late - I had drafted everything on mobile but I couldn’t do read more cuts and figured it was worth waiting until I was back at my computer, just in case. I don’t want to spoil anyone who is actually trying to avoid that stuff.

Anyway, this is a Very Spoilery write up of the clips we saw at NYCC the other day. Pardon any errors or nonsense - I wrote this quite late the other evening and no mobile no less. I might be a little bit fuzzy on certain specifics right now but the major beats should be covered! I’ve also tried to match up screengrabs from the released trailers to add context. Read at your own risk under the cut...

Clip #1: Matt and Maggie

Scene opens with two little boys poking around a disgruntled Matt who is lying in bed. We soon find out that these are little boys who live at St. Agnes, the orphanage Matt himself grew up in, and where he is apparently convalescing. Sister Maggie comes in to shoo them off - she comes off as very strict and humorless, which comes into play when she starts chatting with Matt as she’s redressing his wounds. They talk about he was young and he was her charge at the orphanage. They also talk about Matt being the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen (he had to have been dropped off in his costume I guess!) and go into a back and forth about his senses and how it all works. Maggie also emphasizes to Matt that since he’s mostly healed, he’ll need to find another place to stay.

Clip #2: Karen and Foggy

Karen and Foggy are having a hushed conversation in the Nelson family butcher shop. Karen thinks Matt might be alive because she’s heard about some guy in a black mask running around town. Foggy firmly disagrees, implying that it’s not possible, and this whole thing is clearly a sore subject for them. Karen asks something like don’t you want to be sure that this isn’t your best friend running around out is there and Foggy seems resigned, saying that if that were actually his best friends, then Matt would have come to them already. Karen leaves, upset.

Clip #3: Special Agent Nadeem and Fisk

This is inside the prison, Nadeem and Fisk sit across each other at a table. Nadeem starts to give some FBI spiel as but stops part way, thinking this whole thing with Fisk is nothing more than a charade. Fisk doesn’t see it that way, and launches into a speech about how he’s been willing to pay the debt on his crimes, but he refuses to accept that the person he loves (Vanessa) should pay for those crimes too. I can’t remember that particulars now, but this is basically when Fisk asks to strike a deal - he’ll become an informant in exchange for a Vanessa’s safety.

Clip #4: Matt vs. FBI

The scene opens inside a car, which happens to belong to Big Ben Donavan; Matt lurks menacingly behind the drivers seat while Ben is unaware. Matt then pulls a cord across Ben’s neck and threatens to choke him in exchange for information - why did Fisk flip on the Albanians and what his greater plan is. Ben gives some answers that are clearly unsatisfactory to Matt, who pulls the cord even tighter - Ben insists that Fisk is doing this all for Vanessa, but Matt believes it has to be more than that. Before he can finish interrogating Ben, feds enter that parking garage level, and Matt tries to make an escape. So begins Matt basically working in stealth mode and trying to take out the agents one at a time, almost succeeding, until he runs face to face with an agent aiming a gun at his face. Matt goes into ass kicking mode, taking down the agents even though he pleads with them to not do this. One of the agents yells at Matt that these guys have families - it feels like the seeds are being sown for DD becoming public enemy #1, at least with the Feds.

Clip #5: Introducing Agent Dex

Fisk’s FBI convoy is shot out of the road but what I assume is heavy weaponry, flipping the car over and knocking out all the passengers, including Fisk. When Fisk comes to, he’s shouting for Nadeem and he realizes there’s some serious shit going on outside. He actually looks a little nervous - FBI agents surround the overturned vehicle, firing on an unknown group of assailants, who are packing a lot of firepower and taking down the agents. They clear out the group and turn to trying to get Fisk out of the car, shooting at the windows to weaken the glass and bringing in machinery to cut through the door, presumably to capture him for themselves and some unknown purpose. Before they finish, there is suddenly someone gunning for the group. He picks everyone off cleanly and accurately, one by one. When it appears he might be out numbered, he throws dual knives straight into two dudes’ throats. He headshots the remaining mystery assailants, right as Fisk manages to get out of the vehicle, and slowly lower himself to the ground with hands on his head. Agent Dex has his gun trained straight on Fisk - this is the first time they cross paths.

Clip #6: Bullseye Teaser, which everyone has already seen!

Clip #7: Matt vs. Bullseye

Okay this was some crazy bonkers bullshit. I’ll give you a chance to stop reading bc it might be worth experiencing totally fresh on the show but if you wanna keep going, then you do you.

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Scene opens with Foggy walking into the Bulletin newsroom. The first thing he sees is a dead employee, bloody on the ground. His eyes move across the room and he sees the back of Daredevil. Foggy is clearly confused. Fake Daredevil turns around and makes eye contact with Foggy, who is stock still, whether from fear or confusion, it’s not clear. Fake Daredevil, who is Bullseye, reaches down to pull his billy club out of another employee’s head. Then he lobs it across the room directly at Foggy’s head, when it is suddenly stopped right in front of his face by Matt, who is wearing an improvised black outfit. Foggy is stunned AF and eventually turns and runs out of the room - he goes out a door and closes it, only to find Karen and two other employees holed up while she’s pointing a gun at the door.

Back to Matt and Bullseye - we see Matt holding the baton and both of them sizing each other up and that’s where we get the “Who are you?” “I’m Daredevil.” exchange. At this point, shit suddenly gets REALLY real and I don’t think I can even convey the specific order and particulars of this crazy ass fight, not in a way that does it justice. It starts out hand to hand, and Matt is putting up a solid fight. Unfortunately, they are fighting in a newsroom full of office supplies, which basically becomes a limitless toy box of weapons for Bullseye. I can’t remember the exact order as the scene bounces all over the room, but Matt is woefully underprepared for this. 

There is definitely the moment when Bullseye bounces the baton off the ground and straight into Matt’s face - ow. Then the fight goes another level of crazy - basically any piece of office furniture, accessory, or equipment becomes a deadly weapon in Bullseye’s hands. Moments include: Bullseye grabbing a handful of pencils right when Matt pulls up part of a desk to shield himself - every pencil pierces partially through stopping short of his face. Bullseye nailing Matt in the head with a computer monitor, a stapler, like...everything, and this is WHILE Matt is dodging and flipping and crashing through furniture, doing his usual shit. He gets hit by EVERYTHING. There is a moment when he is hiding behind the wall of a cubicle, Bullseye grabs a roll of tape (?) aims it the wall opposite Matt and bounces it straight into this face. Or Matt is trying to quietly take an xacto knife or similar looking utility item off someone’s desk, but Bullseye shoots some other office item at his hand before he can pick it up, as if he were sniping him with a gun. There’s another crazy moment when Bullseye chucks a large crystal ball looking paperweight or snow globe or something at Matt’s head, which he catches, but he shoots a pencil straight into the globe and explodes it in his hand. Matt does manage to distract him long enough by making a noisy diversion, at which point he launches into him and resumes hand to and and does whatever he can to take Bullseye down, keeping his arm pinned back just out of reach of a pair of scissors in a pencil cup...but he manages to get his hands on it, and flicks the scissors STRAIGHT INTO MATT, which completely throws him off and onto the ground, at which point a bookshelf falls on top of him (or he may have fallen into shelving) and Bullseye basically stomps his face. 

Matt is out and Bullseye looks gleeful about what he did - a small maniacal smile crosses his lips. But then there are sirens that sound like they’re getting closer and that’s probably what saves Matt from getting seriously wrecked or killed.

Again I feel like I’m doing a shit job of describing just how incredible this scene was. You fully grasp the extent of Bullseye’s abilities straight away and everything is filled with a ruthlessness. Matt is STRUGGLING. It’s just bonkers good okay?

Anyway, that’s it for the clips. I am so hyped for DDS3, you could not believe. October 19 cannot come soon enough!