#pea.rl

[hiccupscloud-26]

STE.VEN UNI.VERSE HICFANFIC

Oooh, I like that, I might use that for all my hicfics I post here...

Anyway-

Reblogs and interactions are fine, but no reposting or sharing anywhere.

This story was written a long long time ago, looking back at it...it's not terrible and I actually don't hate this.

CW:

-inaccurate gem anatomy (I'm pretty sure the Gems are made completely of light, they don't have diaphragms...probably)

-eating hot pepper

-betting

-laughing/teasing other people's torment

-bird mom loving her son

-pls let me know if I need to add more

And without further ado, I give you...

Pepper + Hot Sauce = Trouble

“C’mon, P! You gotta do it!” Amet.hyst cheered.

Pe.arl was sitting on the couch and in front of her was a Carolina Reaper dipped in extremely hot hot sauce.

“Can't I do something else?” Pe.arl replied as she looked at the pepper in disgust.

“A deal’s a deal. You lost.”

Pe.arl sighed remembering the bet they’d made. Amet.hyst betted that Pe.arl couldn't go a week without cleaning, and Pe.arl betted that Amet.hyst couldn't go a week without eating.

“It was just a dirty sock!” Pea.rl cried.

“Hey, guys! What's going on?” Ste.ven asked as he walked in the room.

“Pe.arl lost a bet, so Ame.thyst is making her eat a pepper doused in hot sauce,” Gar.net explained.

“Oh, this is gonna be good! I'll go get the milk!” Ste.ven bounced excitedly to the fridge to get the dairy product. “Got it!”

He brought it over to the table and Pe.arl looked at him.

“What's that for?” She asked curiously.

“It helps, trust me.”

“Just eat it already!” Amet.hyst cried out.

Pe.arl gulped. She wasn't prepared for this. She wasn't comfortable with this, it entailed eating for Pete’s sake.

“Here goes,” Pe.arl picked up the saucy pepper, closed her eyes as she trembled a little in fear, and carefully placed it in her mouth.

Amet.hyst, Ste.ven, and Gar.net all watched in pure excitement and curiosity. Pe.arl finally bit off the stem and she started chewing it.

Heat, no, fire. Fire was what she felt on her tongue at the moment. She whimpered and whined as beads of sweat fell down her face.

“So, how is it?” Ste.ven asked, since he was recording and Amet.hyst was trying to stifle laughs.

Pe.arl looked straight into the phone’s camera and squeaked, “It's hot.”

Ste.ven giggled, Gar.net smirked, and Amet.hyst was on the floor laughing wildly.

“Guys, I…I think I'm…melting!” She cried.

“You're not melting,” Gar.net snorted.

“Don't forget to swallow it,” Ame.thyst laughed.

Pe.arl groaned and swallowed the pepper pieces. Her eyes grew in shock and fear. She thought her mouth was hot, but now her throat and insides were hot as well. Her face was flushed a beautiful turquoise and tears were brimming at her eyes.

“This is worse!” Pe.arl cried.

“Drink the milk,” Ste.ven suggested with a smile.

“I'm not drinking out of the-hic!- carton, oh-hiccup!-no.”

Pe.arl covered her mouth in embarrassment as her diaphragm jumped again.

Ame.thyst was gasping for air, Ga.rnet was snickering, and Ste.ven gasped.

“I didn't know Gems could get hiccups,” he said.

“It's extremely rare for Gems to get them,” Ga.rnet explained, “but it can happen, since we have diaphragms…Pe.arl’s usually the one with the hiccups around here.”

“Hey! I-hic!-I haven't had-hiccup!-the hiccups in-huc!-a thousand-hup!-years!” Pe.arl crossed her arms.

“But it's still pretty darn funny when you get them!” Amet.hyst laughed.

“Hmph! Hiccuh! Ugh, why me?” Pe arl groaned.

“I'll be right back,” Ste.ven said and hurried to the kitchen to get a glass.

He came skipping back to the living room. He poured some milk into the glass for her.

“Drink it,” he handed it to her.

“Th-HIC!-ahem! Thank you, Ste.ven. hic!” Pe.arl accepted the glass and drank the cold liquid.

Ste.ven smiled widely as he awaited the aftermath. Pe.arl stopped when the glass was half full. A smile made a way onto her lips.

“Aah, that-hic-helps with the heat,” Pe.arl sighed in relief.

“See? Told you it’d help,” he said proudly.

“Hic! Ugh, but these hiccups-hulp!-may stay for a-hiccup!-while.”

Pe.arl drank the rest of the milk in her glass and Stev.en poured her some more. She smiled at the boy as a thanks for helping her get through this. Soon enough, the heat subsided, the hiccups stayed, and Ste.ven was sitting on her lap hugging her. His head would rise with every loud hiccup Pe.arl would hiccup, but he was fine with it. And soon enough he dozed off to sleep with Pea.rl sitting back comfortably and her arms cuddled around Ste.ven’s body.

“I love you, Pe.arl,” Ste.ven mumbled in his sleep.

She smiled and kissed his forehead. “I love you too-hmc-Ste.ven.”

And the two of them stayed like that for the rest of the afternoon.

~Fin~

[nomstellations]

When it comes to splatvore, is there any of the named characters you could see as pred or prey?

i normally don't think about these things too much bc i dont care for the canons in vore stuff, but i'll lay em all out here!

Cal.lie- prey leaning switch Mar.ie- pred Pea.rl- prey Mar.ina- switch?? probably also an observer All of Deep Cut are switches and they go based on vibes Octa.vio- pred Craig- STINKY!!!!!! DO NOT EAT!!!

[succulentbud]

Lame Splatfest But Cute Art LGBT Icons Soft Pride templates by @gayreigen

[untamedsinning]

Have you ever thought about doing gri//an?

funnily enough not really, even tho i do really like him with vore stuff 👉👈 idk just doesn’t hit the right buttons. i am… very picky with what characters i enjoy with this kink (you’d think after L/L, r.en and mar.tyn would be appealing but that whole bit just got me embarrassed in a bad way LOL)

i guess thinking about it idk if any of the E.mpires/Tr.affic/H,C series characters do it for me for this niche. maybe pea.rl? i like kink stuff with her >//> considering his track record who says s8 i.m.pulse hasnt made candy that does questionable things to your stomach shes taste tested. idk is that anything

[squandereduniverse]

Saw someone say all P.earl's choices were her own, but like here's what I've understood from the show:

1. Coming to Earth was not her choice. It was R.ose's. Pe.arl was property.

2. Being the rebellion wasnt her choice: It was R.ose's. P earl was property.

3. Staying on Earth wasnt her choice. She'd be shattered if she tried to return and had no real way off the planet thanks to inferior tech and her devotion to R.ose.

4. Dealing with the corrupted gems wasnt her choice, it was R.ose's. P.earl was cleaning up her mess.

5. Keeping R.ose's secret wasnt her choice. R.ose made her physically unable to speak about it so sneaky measures after the fact had to be taken.

6. Raising Ro.se's son wasnt her choice. But if she left him, she'd lose R.ose so she was stuck with Ste.ven.

Pea.rl starts to make choices for herself after that, but none of her major choices were made by herself. They were made for her and she just followed along whether she wanted to or not.

[fireslung]

me :   ok i’m satisfied w my fc me :   remembers pea.rl mackie in dw me :   nvm ,  THAT’S aubrey

[offcolord]

☆ MUSE AESTHETIC EDITS //                          LARS BA.RRIGA && BLUE PEA.RL. ☆

I'm watching myself drifting away. A vision so darkened, I cannot stay. I'm reaching out wide trying to catch myself before I fall. Too little too late -- can you save me?

                                      ** PERSONALS DO NOT REBLOG                                                    FOR @daintblue

[tubbytarchia]

I’ve recently rewatched dl and I wanted to find out if you had any thoughts on Pearl and Scott’s dynamic.. (double life or general idm)

BOY DO I. SIT DOWN

I've talked lots about Scott before, of how he twists the narrative the most and treats most relationships more as transactional. I will now immediately follow that sentence up with dear god please don't assume I hate Scott he's so interesting and compelling PLEASE don't think I hate him I beg of you I LIKE HIM I don't think he's evil and a villain he's just a bit fucked up like everyone else PLEASE just. believe me

Me ^

Anyway now that that's out of the way. Scott I think has an innate need for connection but denies it in favor of weaving his own narrative that he is in control of, especially so in Third Life where to me, it feels like he sought out to find a tragic love story and he got exactly that, from his perspective anyway, what with the final sequence of him meeting Jimmy again in some imagined afterlife, the one part that was scripted and it shows. Love is a variable that he can't afford the risk of. I think the story with Jimmy that he weaved was more important to him than genuine affection. In Double Life he admits to having whittled Jimmy down to nothing in order to get something from him. But then along comes Last Life

In Last Life, whatever it was, something about Pearl really appealed to him if even subconsciously and he very genuinely cared about her imo. And that was a relationship that oddly enough started as purely transactional yet quickly developed into the most meaningful one I think Scott has had. Even when he faltered in returning Pearl's affection fully, Pearl didn't care and stood by him. Well exemplified by the time he kind of froze when Pearl was boogey killed by Lizzie, but Pearl didn't even think to hold his inaction against him. (Especially fun contrasted with Pearl accidentally breaking the rules in killing boogey Joel for killing Scott lol). ADDENDUM: I forgot that it was because of Scott's encouragement that Pearl ended up killing Joel, which could have been the first indication of Scott having it out for Joel, or he was just being petty (because he very much is, as are many of the others, he's just good at masking it). Nonetheless my point stands when contrasted with Scott freezing up when Pearl was killed by Lizzie whereas Pearl had defended Scott adamantly

But all of that was the variable that Scott sought to avoid, so in Double Life he immediately uses what he can as an excuse to ostracize Pearl, almost as if to punish her for the crime of. loving? And I'm not about to claim that Pearl is wholly innocent but I'd argue that was unwarranted. Cleo and Scott are a great dynamic in a vacuum but unfortunately Cleo is also quite terrible (but then who isn't. It's a death game, they all are. Sorry I have to keep making these remarks because otherwise I get labelled a hater) and unfortunately fuels all the worst traits in Scott while Scott very readily sticks to her. They remain an encouraging pillar to Scott, it's just that the things being encouraged are like. Their ritual to slice each other with axes at full force just to stick it to Martyn and Pearl. Pearl often gets compared to Scott as equally physically harmful but idk personally I don't think the snow bucket compares to start-of-every-session-near-death-axe-crit routine. That's again not to say that she's innocent

Upon Scott spreading completely unfounded claims about her being crazy and malicious, she starts to adopt those claims. What else is she to do to get by? She has been nice to most players and nearly none of them want her around because of rumors despite her causing harm on accident at worst. She comes close to finally finding friends in Jimmy (Tango as well but mostly Jimmy), but ruins her chances by briefly playing into Martyn's "prank" and giving him Jimmy's horn without realizing it's importance to Jimmy, after which Jimmy tells her that she's no longer welcome on the ranch. She's effectively lost everyone and it is 90% due to Scott, not due to her actually acting the way she's claimed to as she only starts to go down that path after repeated rejection (sure she let herself be physically hurt to get at Scott, but it wasn't because of malice or having lost her mind, her doing so was reasonable anyhow but got twisted into something it wasn't. It's still wrong on her part and I do think she goes at least a bit insane as Scarlet Pearl surfaces, but the point is that she wasn't that when Scott started painting her that way)

Even in the very end, Scott retains control. He retained control of not only his narrative but contributed to most others' as well, painting Pearl as the exact character he wanted her to be known as in every POV outside of her own. And as they stand face to face as the last two survivors, Scott denies her any chance to change things, taking his own life instead whilst painting himself as noble in doing so

Scott is incredibly self-sacrificial but only when he gets something out of it, and because it allows him yet more control. He wants to be able to control when he dies, and he also gets to turn it into utmost grandiose statements of nobleness when he does, which then changes others' perception of him accordingly and directly or indirectly allows Scott to get something in exchange. His suicide in DL is no different, it was for him, not for Pearl

In Secret Life Scott also instils the idea of Pearl being untrustworthy in Gem

Wild Life. grrrr. Wild Life.............clenches fist. Pearl's personal hell

I think you can infer I was. scared to say the least about Pearl upon seeing her alliance in Wild Life. In the end though I ended up just being immensely sad and disappointed. Just about nothing worked out for Pearl, only for her trauma to be mocked repeatedly by Scott and Cleo

Pearl imo shows so many signs of regression, and she holds onto Impulse as the one member of her team that isn't actively taunting her, making it a goal for herself to see Impulse win, and it is that: for her, for anything to go her way, not so much for Impulse as much as she does genuinely care for him. She really doesn't spend that much time with him, she just needs a goal to work towards for her own sake. Pearl being unstable, untrustworthy and especially pathetic are all things that continue to get enforced within the alliance, where she's often spoken to like a ticking time bomb and the team's destructiveness gets relegated to her specifically. She recognizes not feeling good about it but she doesn't recognize everything that's at play in the social dynamics of their alliance or the extent of it

She becomes scared of people becoming resentful of her were she to make mistakes all the while Scott and Cleo start enabling her worst tendencies, aka Scarlet Pearl. They don't do this a large degree but they do make an explicit point of it, or at least Cleo does. Cleo is also however, if even vaguely, trying to mend the relationship between her and Pearl, where they occasionally encourage and defend her although it's not to a significant enough degree for Pearl to really realize. After Gem's death, Cleo is also there to help although Pearl is too distraught to appreciate it

While Gem's largely the catalyst for the "pathetic" notion that Pearl adopts to her detriment over the course of Wild Life, it only affects Pearl as strongly as it does due to her having gone through what she has, and because she's in a largely unloving alliance that fuels and reminds her of her wrongdoing. Just compare her mental state here to the one in Secret Life with the Mounders. Although it does have importance to her because she seeks reconciliation, she isn't allowed to forget about Double Life, she's not allowed to heal and grow around the grief of what's happened to her

And the final two notable incidents in her and Scott's relationship are 1. Her being made to feel like she needs to kill Scott, which she doesn't and ends up picking her own method of killing him to retain any semblance of choice, and 2. best summarized by my friend's Pearl POV analysis: "Scott is wearing my clothes. instead of villainizing me, our “reconciliation” has encouraged him to embrace the qualities he thinks I represent. he matches me, and we don’t talk about our past"

I state again that I like Scott, I like Cleo, I don't think they're evil or villains, at the very least in no cut-and-dry way. They're flawed and compelling and although I feel sad for Pearl and see Scott as largely at fault for what's happened to her, I care about Scott too and he's easily in the top 5 of most intricate Life characters to me that I enjoy dissecting

You know like. enjoying any character in any other fandom that is morally reprehensible in any way. I don't know why that's such a wild concept in traffic but sigh. I have to disclaim this unfortunately

[nacrepearl-archived]

ok really tho, I write fics sometimes and if people are nice enough to take the time to read my stories and support my work, then the least I could do is not make them regret reading my stuff by not tagging super triggering material. Like, it's just called having basic respect for my audience and I would never want to make my readers feel bad and have panic attacks and shit because I wanted to be edgy and have "shock value" or whatever, that's just messy

Exactly my point. I’m not a fic author or a writer, but one of the fics I have on my ao3 is pea.rl/ro.se, with the tag No Archive Warnings Apply, but I still have it tagged as “implied sexual content” in case people don’t want to read a fic with sexual themes in it. It’s just being decent and watching out for your audience. I’d value people’s mental health over shock value any day, always.

#asks #anonymous

[amilliiondreams]

Wyatt Cooper

hal’s brother. he’s younger than hal by a couple of years. he’s always very jokey about the age difference.

never been married. was engaged once. but, they wanted different things and split amicably.

has no children. but, he’s really great with kids, and would love to have them if he finds the right woman to have them with.

very heavy into romance and has been known to pull out all the stops for a date even if it’s just the first.

remembers important dates by associating it with something that happened in history or pop culture. spoiler alert: it doesn’t always end well like when you send nana a book about the pea.rl ha.rbor attack because she was born on december 7th.

loves music from the fifties and sixties, leather jackets, and classic cars. he has one that he’s in the process of restoring and it’s a real bitch. but, he’s still hype to get it ready for the road and take people out.

has been around his nieces since birth. he’s a good listener, spoiled them with candy, and sent them back hopped up because it’s the uncle thing to do.

prefers being the younger brother because it’s less pressure to be perfect, people expect less from him, and when he does well it’s a big deal.

owns and operates his own business which he prefers. he’s not big on taking orders from other people and can have issues with authority.

the business that he owns and operates is a bar and since he has underage nieces, he knows all too well who is and isn’t underage, and tosses them out regularly. he’s debating on opening a karaoke bar where there’s no alcohol just to capitalize on how musical all the kids are.

[candyheartdoe]

g OSH golly love that pea.rl hate on my dash right there. Love it.

[trackin-kracken]

p.e.arl.net is trash

im not really a shipping person i dont find it fun or entertaining. just personally there are other kinds of relationship dynamics that i’d be way more interested in delving into and romantic relationships are so commonly rehashed that i guess i just dont care. I’ve only got a couple ships that i come back to usually for self indulgent reasons but even those arent particularly romantic.

i made this post because i recently, on my main blog, got really into s/u c/rit/icism and eventually that lead into ship hate and whatnot and i started thinking about some of the ships and i realized...i really do not like p/ear//lnet. lke at all i am not game for it. Just from the dynamics in the show it reeks of ‘big wise magic black lady helps whitey mcmayonaise grow as a person’ or worse ‘big strong black lady protects little bitty white girl’ and i cant stand that shit. especially with the way gar.net has beenstripped of personality and emotiona nuance (she hasnt gotten angry or had a real visceral response in WHILE) and reduced to a fusion ( like i love ruby and sapphire but garnet is her own person but the narrative seems to have given up on that huh) a relationship between her and writer fave pea.rl always-crying-and-being-a-shitty-person-but-its-because-Rose or what the fuck ever who in the sard.donyx plotline lied to garnet to get her to fuse with her and then afterwards they forced garnet into just getting over her justified anger to coddle poor creepy pearl so she’s idk grow some self love? fuck off. I’m sick of g.arnet having to be this support character for other character’s (pe.arl’s) development. 

She just gets shoved to the side until they need to talk about fusion or give some white asshole some advice. I’m sick of that shit. g.net deserves better than to have to prop up other characters and the writers are just fucking her over

[tubbytarchia]

I think the reason the women of the life series get categorized as "the braincell" is because they are often better at surviving and being careful. Maybe you do have a point but they are also just less likely to die to stupidity than most other members.

For example in the impossible minecraft series all 3 of the women have far less deaths than the men. I think it's a pretty good visualisation, even if it's not from the life series itself. It's still the same people playing and making decisions.

(I wanna reiterate that I have nothing against just headcanoning siblings in a vacuum. For example I am partial to Nosy Neighbors headcanoned as siblings, because Pearl isn't usually put up on a "big sister" pedestal to take care of BigB, and I can absolutely see how their LimL dynamic could be interpreted as sibling-like)

Yes, they're absolutely competent, but why do they get the mother and big sister labelling because of that fact alone? Plenty of others, eg Scott and Grian, perform very well most times, but you don't see them being labelled dads. In fact, I have seen both of them be credited for other characters' success (which I disagree with but I digress) without any dad or big brother labelling. Eg in 3L Jimmy's and Scar's case, Scott and Grian respectively are often treated as the breadwinners, and I do wonder whether fandom's labelling would've been different if Jimmy and Scott weren't canonical husbands and Scarian wasn't as prominent of a ship

When it comes to the male characters, the dad label is applied to those who have been perceived as acting fatherly on the Life series or on HC, like Impulse. Whether or not you agree with that, what about the women makes them caretakers? Just because they're good at the game? Was Pearl taking care of the Mounders in a way that sets her apart from them? Is she a caretaker because she survived the longest? Is Lizzie the caretaker in WL because she's coupled with Jimmy and Scar who the fandom seems to believe need protection and are incompetent otherwise? Did that make her become a caretaker? Cleo I can understand somewhat on the surface level of them literally being a mom in LimL (same with Lizzie although I personally don't headcanon seablings outside of ESMP1)

Yes, the women perform better in general, so I can understand them being labelled the braincells to some degree, but again, it reads much more like trying to find less incriminating terms to put them into stereotypical motherly and sisterly caretaker roles, and I just don't see anything of the sort from the series to convey that such dynamics are present. When every other teamup expectation post I see labels only the women as competent and their teammates as being at their care, I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to take away from that. This stereotyping, especially when it takes prevalence over actual character, is very misogynistic, and, imo it's also misogynistic idolization applying such a stereotype because of competency when in many areas, Pearl for example, can't be described with the blanket terms of "sane" or "wise", let alone the "best" or "most competent", although she's certainly good at the game and very smart. I don't know if I'm alone in just not understanding what about any of the women outside of Cleo's caricature of a role in LimL convey motherly or sisterly characteristics, or in not perceiving them as the objective best players with the best mindsets etc (I don't see any player in that way)

[tubbytarchia]

do you have any thoughts on lizzie & pearl as a duo? do you think they have interesting similarities or work as character foils ? :0

anyway, love your art and animatics !! hope you're doing well !!

Thank you, I'm doing better!

Lizzie and Pearl are AWESOME I do not ever stop thinking about that bone scene in SL. Joel basically on his knees begging for her heart and Lizzie doesn't even hesitate to give it to Pearl instead for fulfilling her demand. I'm actually henceforth mostly regurgitating the thoughts of my friend Wildcatcargo because she was able to verbalize their appeal much better to me, which to boil it down: Lizzie is drawn to the same characteristics in Pearl that she is drawn to in Joel without any hindrance of bias (Joel being her husband)

I hope I don't get burned at stake for this but I'm personally a big aro Lizzie truther, especially in Jizzie as that's the most prominent source of examples. I do not doubt that there is affection and love there, but in situations where it matters, Lizzie values what she can be given to aid in her survival foremost. She is much more selfish than selfless (and good for her) imo, and I think that shows in her relationships, like the way she gets protection and valuables out of Joel by merely asking or appealing to him even when she is the sole beneficiary of the exchange

Pearl in that bone scene, in trying to accomplish her secret task, put greater health at risk than what Lizzie's heart could have healed and got the bone first as a result, where Joel had been less brash and more careful before also losing more health than redeemable. Pearl so quickly doing as told and showcasing a protective quality probably appealed to Lizzie a lot. She had also chosen Pearl to aid her in Decked Out after finding out about her "biggest deck" lol, and she stuck with Pearl in Impossible SMP for protection, because she could ask Pearl to walk in front to avoid potential risk to herself and Pearl would just do it. Again this is all stuff Wildcatcargo pointed out to me so thank you Cat

Pearl and Lizzie have really been to my liking ever since SL and I do think a teamup of them two would be awesome but possssssibly not ideal for Pearl? Lizzie even in being selfish is not usually malicious and I highly doubt she ever would be towards Pearl, it's in her best interest to keep Pearl around but Pearl is also someone who really needs healthy connection (especially after WL) and I think Lizzie would need to be prodded a bit for that. BUT Lizzie is also often brash and blunt which I think would encourage Pearl to be more carefree and them messing around would be healthy for her. I also see no reason for Lizzie to not remain loyal and a stable allyship would also do Pearl a lot of good. Not that her last allyship wasn't technically stable but it certainly tested her for her place within it constantly to the point of others' faults often being relegated to her

I don't really see them as foils though, I've been told that some people see a parallel in Pearl's loneliness in DL and Lizzie's in SL, but there's not much meat there for me personally. I can definitely see the connection being drawn but without anything else to go off of, I don't personally see much else to it aside from the coincidental similarity, but if you do, feel free to tell me about it!

[tubbytarchia]

So I'm loving all the character dissections, and especially how you've opened my eyes about Pearl and Scott. I recently was re-watching Last Life again, partly to see Scott and Pearl be friends before they had their "break-up." And I honestly forgot about Pearl killing Joel after the Boogey kill.

What really stuck out to me though, is that SCOTT was the one encouraging her to kill him, even after he already died, and Pearl likewise seemed unsure at first about doing so. Any deep thoughts about this whole interaction and what Scott might've been thinking when he kept telling Pearl to kill him?

Oh I actually did not remember that but you're right, Scott encouraged Pearl to "defend herself" whilst Joel was basically pleading for his life lol. I guess you could take this as the first vague instance of Scott having it out for Joel. This does change the point I was originally trying to exemplify...

I brought it up as a point of contrast that Pearl killed Joel for killing Scott even when it was against the rules (even if she was unsure) while Scott, when Pearl was being attacked by Lizzie, froze and watched her die. I think Pearl's willingness to commit to the kill in spite of her uncertainty still counts but the fact that Scott was the one adamantly telling her to finish Joel off is.. hrrm. I can't say whether it was out of previous contempt or if he was just being petty over a fair kill. It could be that he was holding a grudge for Joel burning down the Flower Valley wall in 3L. I will happily take this as Mounders crumbs though that Pearl hesitated that much