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[deathshallbenomore]

madonna terribili gli addii i commiati lasciare le tue cose i tuoi spazi la tua gente anche solo per un po’ CONSEGUENTEMENTE la prossima volta sparirò con il favore delle tenebre senza alcun preavviso. sorpresa

[ginevraccardi]

La lettera che ho scritto che mi ha cambiato la vita:

non ti romperò più giuro sparirò dalla tua vista dopo questo messaggio.

( non serve risposta )

Sei stata l’unica persona che ha sopportato il mio carattere difficile a causa delle batoste ricevute per anni , anzi no non lo hai sopportato perché dovevi ma perché VOLEVI è diverso, quando ti ho conosciuto hai saputo cogliere di me subito il fatto che è ho sofferto molto l’ hai saputo fare perché le cose che ho provato io le hai provate anche tu, è così andando avanti nel tempo si è creata una complicità rara e unica che non scorderò mai, sei stata l’unica persona in grado di farmi stare bene solo guardando il tuo sorriso bellissimo di cui me ne sono innamorata e manco me ne ero resa conto, sei stata l’unica persona a farmi tirare fuori il carattere e a capire che le fragilità vanno superate , non sconfitte come le cicatrici sul tuo petto che tanto amo .

Sei stata l’unica persona ad accettare le mie imperfezioni e ad amarle.

mi hai insegnato di non fidarmi degli altri ma di fidarmi solo di me stessa sempre , mi hai vista cadere a terra e mi hai ceduto le tue mani per rialzarmi e le tue dita per asciugarmi le lacrime, mi hai sempre riempito di gesti straordinari che mi hanno resa felice ma l’unico a rendermi felice alla fine è sempre stata la tua presenza che vegliava sulla mia facendomi sentire protetta,

ogni volta che ti vedevo mi toglievi il respiro per poi ridarmelo con un bacio, sei stato l’unica persona a procurarmi i brividi ogni volta che mi sfioravi, in sostanza so di non essermi comportata bene con te negli ultimi tempi , so di averti delusa e di averti fatto soffrire e forse sono stata anche la causa del tuo cambiamento interiore , ma sappi che tu rimarrai sempre e dico sempre l’unico vero amore della mia vita quello che fa male ma fa anche bene al cuore quello che ti entra dentro e non esce più , non scorderò mai tutto ciò che mi hai insegnato , perché la mia prima guida lo fatta con te , il sesso che abbiamo fatto è stato solo fare l’amore che sembrava un letto di rose ed io lo fatto con te, e sono contenta di averlo fatto con te .

ma la cosa più bella è che tu sei stato l’unica persona che mi ha insegnato ad amare forte perché tu mi hai amato forte e forse ancora lo farai per ancora un po’ di tempo…

Ti prometto che tra qualche mese mi rivedrai stare bene sappi che tutto quello che ti ho scritto e perché lo pensò davvero e dovevo dirtelo sennò non chiudevo occhio

Se un giorno mi dovessero chiedere se c’è stata una persona che mi ha amata veramente io parlerò di te.

Sappi che ancora una parte di me per tutto ciò che hai fatto per me te ne sara grada sempre e che infine ha iniziato a capire che per questo ti amerà per tutta la vita …

Tua

per sempre

Ginevra.

[whenwarwillbeover]

day 10 since you left è andata via anche lei. e con lei il sogno di vivere qualcosa di bello e stare bene con qualcuno. il sentirsi voluta e amata. l'avere accanto qualcuno che si fida di te e di cui puoi fidarti. l'essere abbracciata quando stai male e avere qualcuno che respira con te per farti calmare. avere qualcuno che ti prende e inizia a ballare in un supermercato o in centro di piazza. avere qualcuno per cui vale la pena lottare e migliorarsi, qualcuno che ti coinvolge nella sua vita, che sente il bisogno di te, per cui vali qualcosa, per cui le tue emozioni sono importanti e non sono troppo. qualcuno che non si spaventa del tuo essere, di come sei, qualcuno che non ti annoia. qualcuno che ti dedica delle canzoni, qualcuno che ha voglia di crescere con te. la verità è che è tutto difficile e triste e che io non posso accettare di stare male per te. perché non è una cosa per cui ne vale la pena. perché non meriti che io ci stia male, meriti soltanto tanta rabbia. eppure.. non posso neanche prendermela con te. alla fine hai fatto tutto quello che sentivi, non è colpa tua se non è mai stato abbastanza. un po' forse lo sapevo che sarebbe finita così. è iniziata in questo divano di Gaia e finisce qui. non so se finirà davvero, ma molte cose ormai sono rovinate. soprattutto la fiducia nei tuoi confronti. in tutto ciò tu sei sparito, mi hai lasciata completamente sola. ma forse ci sta pure questo. dovrò fare i conti pure con questo. e mi va bene. sparirò.

[bel-giorno-per-morire]

sparirò per un po'

[okimargarvez]

I HAVE TO GO

Original title: Ora devo andare.

Prompt: go away.

Warning: sequel of Imperfect .

Genre: romantic, drama, angst, friendship.

Characters: Penelope Garcia, Luke Alvez, JJ, Emily, BAU team.

Pairing: Garvez.

Note: oneshot 26 in Garvez collection.

Legend: 🔦.

Song mentioned: Per un po’ sparirò, Tiziano Ferro.

MY OTHER GARVEZ STORIES

This story is dedicated to my Peruvian friend and fellow in night chatter @thinitta

I HAVE TO GO

For those who believed that love was take and run away, for those who will still believe in it from now on...

Obviously is raining. And she can't say that this displeased to her, the time is perfectly matched with her internal mood. She could even almost manage to convince herself that she was the actress of some film noir.

Penelope hugs her suitcase, sheltered under a colorful umbrella. Or in Singing in the rain. She begins to hum the melody in a low voice. Headlights illuminate the street strangely little traffic. She looks her reflected in a puddle. She sighs and moves forward, without looking over her shoulder, towards her apartment.

The taxi stops in front of her gate. A 60 ages old man comes down and, after kindly greeting her, loads the only baggage behind it, then opens the door for her. She closes the umbrella and shakes off a few drops of rain. Inside there is a nice warmth, but it’s not powerful enough. It can’t contrast with the frost that pervades her.

The driver was tired to hear the complaints of people on who knows what various topics (Reid had mentioned a study about it, which showed that people open up mostly with hairdressers, taxi drivers and some other category that he couldn’t remember) he became a bit of a psychologist: he realized that the blonde woman didn’t want to talk and left her lost in her own thoughts. Probably he also notices that in the middle she begins a silent cry, but something in her bearing, in her look, in her eyes, suggests him that it’s a serious matter, yes, there is something extremely proud in her tears.

I don’t have to think about it, but now what is the use of censoring me, forcing me not to do it? He'll never know it. So, I ask myself: what is Luke doing right now? He will be with her, probably. They'll be... She bites her lips, closes her eyes and forces herself to say it. They'll making love, surely. After spending a quiet evening watching some stupid TV program. His arm around Lisa's shoulders, she with her head resting on his chest, every now and then she’ll have raised her chin to look for his lips ... and then they will have laughed, he’ll have bent his mouth in that strange way, so sexy and mischievous and he’ll have proposed turning off the TV to move on to something more interesting. And then they may fall asleep together, legs intertwined, his arm on her stomach and this morning he’ll bring her the breakfast to bed and...

She believed she was strong, that she would be able to pretend that everything was going well, that nothing had changed. This was until Lisa had appeared from O'Keef, shattering the barrier between work and private life. She couldn’t hide what she felt, could no longer joke with herself and settle for that little, now that Luke had a girlfriend, especially if she was there, present.

And realizing how much their behavior together was natural, this had finally killed her. It wasn’t the adventure of a night, or a "phase". Surely Luke would have married Lisa, just as Derek had ended up doing the same with Savannah. It wasn’t about seeing the overlaps where there weren't: they were both female doctors, beautiful women and good people.

May you be happy, Luke. I wish you only this.

But she wouldn’t stay there to see it.

 For those who believed that giving oneself means being strong, I say no, nothing at all ...

He awakens hearing a sound that he is get attached now, but when he opens his eyes to read the content of the message, he is surprised to see who the sender is. It's Prentiss, a new case has arrived. He rubs his eyes and yawns. Needless to lie to himself, he is sad that it’s not Garcia, it was usually she to throw him out of bed with that sentence, combined with a joke every time different. In fact, Lisa had never appreciated this either (that another woman snatched him from her arms), but before tonight (last night, now) he hadn’t noticed.

He dresses without turning on the light, he doesn’t need it, because enough of it enters from the window. It is six o'clock in the morning. He can’t wait to get there, to see her. Of course, he can��t speak already now, because they have to concentrate on the case, but later, in short, when this case too will be archived, perhaps...

Roxy barks, distracting him from his ruminations. -I'm sorry, girl, no walk today.- he gives her a caress. -Jenny will arrive soon.- without Lisa’ stuff his house doesn’t seem so different. He can’t help but imagine unicorns, octopus-shaped cups, strange-colored curtains. If there was Penelope in her place, yes, he would feel the difference.

He shakes his head and climbs into the van.

Because those who flee will not be a real winner at all, only those who don’t hide will win...

Finally, he sees the outline of the very high building, he parks and rushes to the elevator. In that narrow space he fries with anxiety. He just needs to see her, just a second... the doors open, and he go down. He heads to his desk. -Hey, good morning!- he is excited, anyone could understand it. He greets Spencer and Matt, who reciprocate him. He notices that Rossi is talking on the balcony with Emily. He turns to JJ, who is intent on working on some documents, very focused. -Hey!- he says, but the blonde doesn’t seem to have heard him, because she doesn’t answer anything. But she seems to notice that he is staring at her, because she slams the papers on her desk and sighs, as if she were trying to control her anger. Maybe she fights with Will? He sees no other solution to her behavior. -JJ?- he asks, uncertain. She turns to him and glares at him, one of those looks that are very close to those that usually gave him Penelope. Luke stands up in front of the woman. -Hey, are you okay?- JJ also stands up, pushing the chair badly, but instead of answering, she heads towards the round table room. -What's wrong with her?- he asks the other two men. Simmons shrugs, dr. Reid seems to know more, but also, it's not willing to telling him anything. After not even a second the chief appears on the balcony. -Guys…- 

Camouflaging your love can only hurt you, so it should never be done...

As soon as he comes in, Luke notices that someone is missing. There is an empty chair and the remote-control rests abandoned on the table. However, he doesn’t have time to ask for anything (because in the euphoric state he is in, he probably would have been able to do it), since a man who he has never seen, makes his entrance.

-Good morning, sorry for the delay.- and the man grabs that remote control. Luke must refrain from taking it before him, as if he wanted to protect an object he deems worthy only of the undisputed goddess of the BAU, one of the many nicknames he had discovered had been created by Morgan specifically for her.

He immediately starts talking about the case, but Luke can’t concentrate. He stares at him as if he were a usurper. He has gray hair, wears a pair of glasses with banal frames and has a voice that he finds annoying immediately. And he is clearly an IT. Kevin Lynch, is written on the name tag hangs on a shirt in bad taste.

Who is this man and where is Penelope?

Luke doesn’t participate in the debate, he doesn’t give any contribution. He wakes up only when Emily utters the mantra. -Wheels up in 20.- then he watches JJ approach the man and whisper quietly. She definitely knows him, and Prentiss too, it's obvious from their attitude. Then the blonde goes out and her place is taken by the last woman left in the room.

-I'm Dr. Tara Lewis, nice to meet you.- Lynch smiles, but this doesn’t make him more nice. Matt also shows up and so he realizes that he is forced to do the same, or he’ll seem to have something against this stranger. And even if it's really like that, it's not good for others to know it. Not immediately, at least.

-Luke Alvez.- no kind formula, it would feel hypocritical. The IT has a firmer hold than he would have imagined. In hearing his name seems to light up.

-Alvez, of course! Plum juice told me about you. Don’t worry, I’ll not call you newbie.- he doesn’t know which of the thousand things implied by this sentence should upset him more. Plum juice . It is clearly a nickname related to Garcia and is almost as odious as Derek Morgan's baby girl. Plum j... Penelope, in short, told Lynch about him. And finally... this guy thinks he can make fun of him. No one else in the world can call him that way, except JJ, every now and then...

JJ. He has to talk to her, she surely know something more about him.

-Okay... now, I’m sorry, the jet is about to leave and I wouldn’t want to stay here...- he takes leave with one of the worst excuses that have ever occurred to him. He basically runs to get on board as soon as possible. Just outside he almost crashes against JJ. -Hey, I was looking for you...- but the blonde doesn’t seem to have changed mood.

-Alvez, be more careful. Try to focus on the case, rather than on your girlfriend.- a cold, pungent tone that makes feel Penelope absence even more. JJ had never called him by surname, they were good friends, they often went out in pairs during the missions. -What do you want?- she stands in front of him with folded arms.

- I... nothing, do you know where Garcia is? Is she fine?- Finally, he is forced to ask directly what he really wants to know. The woman bursts into a sour laugh. But she decides to be generous and gives him at least one of the answers.

-She had to leave for personal reasons.- totally aseptic. -Why are you interested in knowing, Alvez?- she approaches him, this time smiling smugly. -Then? Did someone cut your tongue?- Luke shakes his head and almost manages to move her, but then she remembers that at that moment her best friend is about to take a plane and fly away, far away, all alone and the fault is of this wretch she has before her.

He sighs, closes his eyes and when he opens them he stares at her with such intensity that he upsets her. -Because I love her, JJ.- she sees a few tears in the corners of his eyes and realizes it must be something serious.

-Well, you don't show it very well.- she moves away a little. -Anyway, she told me to tell you to look in the first drawer of your desk. And move, Luke, the jet doesn���t wait for anyone.- some shade of sweetness more than the last time. The man opens it without knowing what to expect, but definitely not that.

A black and white puppet in the shape of a cat. And there's a note underneath, he recognizing the convoluted computer technician’ writing, in green. I'm sorry.

 What is fashionable, now, I don’t know, until yesterday the instinct was followed... what will remain of us, now I don’t know, I only know that for you, I will not be the same more...

Penelope opens the umbrella and pulls the suitcase up to the airport entrance. It is still raining. She can’t help wondering what is happening in Quantico in the meantime. Has a case arrived? How's Kevin doing? But she must not reflect on these things, otherwise it will change her mind.

She walks through the crowd, trying to go unnoticed. Her heels are not so tall, nor the colorful dress like so many others she had wear previously. But the suitcase is bright pink and the raincoat far too dated. In no way she couldn’t be noticed. Too bad the right person hadn't notice her, not in the way she wanted, at least.

Of course, she made him laugh with her jokes and keeping him at a distance, but... nothing more.

She lines up behind a couple of elderly gentlemen. She observes the way in which both try not to weigh on each other, but at the same time they manage to support each other. The man gives a caress to his wife, who snorts, complaining that her legs hurt. Penelope sighs, takes another step and before she realizes it, she is a few steps from the ticket office. She turns to look back, almost hoping to see Luke appear, running towards her, begging her not to leave him.

Obviously, there is nobody.

-Miss, how can I help you? -

 Maybe yes, maybe not, very careful and distracted, you've ever wondered, why it happens that... getting hurt is easier than giving a kiss, for what reason I don’t know, and I... for a while I'll disappear... for a while I'll disappear...

The screen turns on and a man with glasses begins to speak, drawing up a list of the last places visited by the victim. But Luke can’t concentrate. For a moment he had hoped to see her, inside that little box, be able to hear her voice as she said it was all a joke, that she hadn’t left. He had deluded himself so much, how could he?

-Rossi, you and Reid will go to the coroner. Tara, JJ, you talk to Felicia Miller's parents. Simmons, Alvez, you with me from the Wikins.- not even the voice of Emily seems to be able to bring him back to reality. -Luke, are you there?- the man nods. He must strive to be professional, can’t allow other girls to be murdered just because he is stupidly in love and can’t manage his feelings. As soon this case will be solved, the sooner he’ll be able to think about his business. Penelope could never love such a selfish person. He must become the man she deserves to have close.

 The previous evening

For those who had fun in a group and shouted at me “you disgusted me” and now I think, that they no longer laughs... for those who believe to be strong because they can hurt, I say no, nothing at all...

-Penelope, are you absolutely sure that this is what you want? That there is no other solution?- she sees that her best friend is trying hard not to cry and not showing weakness, to not force her to stay if it’s not what she really wants.

-Yes, JJ. I'm sure. I'm sorry, I'd like to be strong enough, be able to pretend it's nothing, but I can’t do it, I'm sorry, really. I know it's selfish, leaving you this way, abandoning you with all the cases... but I've talked to Kevin, he is willing to take care of some cases and if...- JJ interrupts her.

-Don't say that, even in fun! You are the least selfish person in the world! It's just... I'll miss you.- now the eyes of both are limpid. -But we'll do it, you don’t have to worry, just think about recover. Ok?- Penelope doesn’t even try to show herself stronger than she is. She pulls her in a hug.

-I’ll miss you too, my friend. And the others too, to die for, you know. But I need some time to reflect, to understand how to overcome this situation... and I can’t do it here, seeing him every day. I can’t treat him like before, every time I see him I feel like crying and when he smiles I just think it's another, the one that makes him feel so good and... and I should be happy for him, but I can’t. I can’t, JJ, that's not me. I've even been able to forgive Battle and mourn Baylor's death, why it's so hard to accept that...- she swallows but forces herself to say that name. -...that Luke is busy with another woman?- she is crying openly, now, without breaking away from the other blonde.

-At seven o'clock.- Penelope wipes her face with a tissue. -Now it's better if... if I go home, I still have things to do... could you... could you put this in Luke's drawer?- JJ looks at the intrigued puppet. -It's... an antistress kitten that he gave me... after the case in Vermont, that of the boy who was also killing while he was sleepwalker... I know it's a stupid and theatrical thing, but...- the other blonde makes a sign that she understood.

-Ok I will. But you call me when you land, it doesn’t matter what time it is. Okay?- Penelope sighs.

-All right. Bye, JJ. Take care of yourself and... of Will, the guys...- it sounds awfully like a goodbye.

 For those who continue to hurt themselves, not loving enough, like you, but perhaps also like me... I look into the eyes of my worst enemy and I don’t let guide from my grudge...

They are walking along the road facing the house of the last victim. Luke seems to have returned to himself and his insights turned out to be correct: Patricia Wilkins had a lover, like the first murdered girl. This doesn’t mean, however, that he has stopped thinking of Penelope, at all. Only she has become a fairly small dot that steadily occupies a corner of his brain, instead of shining in the center and dazzling it.

There is an awkward silence. He decides that to ask a few questions will not be so terrible. He glances at Matt and then at his boss. -Prentiss?- the woman turns immediately to him. Of course, she spoke to JJ, both before and after this case arrived, both later, when they were about to land. But unlike the blonde she wasn’t surprised, the first time Luke introduced himself to O'Keef with another woman. That Lisa didn’t even look bad, her only real flaw was... not being Garcia. Not realizing that Alvez's heart (and mind) were already busy, but... at least someone else had to be notice of it during that evening. Penelope couldn’t take her eyes away from the couple and finally ran into the bathroom, to re-emerge only half an hour later and... without makeup. Definitely shocking.

The whole universe had realized that IT had a serious crush on the Newbie and that the latter was even worse... except those directly involved, of course. Yet, she couldn’t see only in negative the fact that Luke was going out with another. What really mattered here was that he had started going out again, that he was ready to get back on the market... to hang out with someone. Of course he couldn’t go directly to the subject of his desires, the "true goal", as they would say if it were an unsub, but he had to look around, start with something simpler, less intense and busy... and Emily had even hoped that this could help Garcia herself to unblock herself, to understand the depth of her feelings and take a minimum step, because she could also lose him...

This was until her doorbell rang at eleven o'clock in the evening and a Penelope with the smudged makeup had not put a ball of black fur in her arms. Only asking her excuse and giving her shortly after a letter, on rosy paper, but no less official.

A temporary leave? Yet, there was just written like that.

-Why you're interested, Luke?– she chooses to prolong the agony a little bit. She also wants to see how far he is willing to push himself for know. How far he is willing to expose himself, to make others understand what he feels, to feed his jealousy. He looks her in the eye and doesn’t look away. A lot, I'd say.

-Well, he called her...- she sees the man's Adam's apple going up and down as he strives to pronounce that nickname. -... plum juice and he told me that Garcia spoke to him about me. I just assumed that.- she can’t be so bad, he deserves to know the truth.

-Yes, Kevin and Garcia have been together almost for four years.- the eyes of the Latin agent are wide open beyond measure, eyebrows raised in the most sincere and surprise expression she has ever seen. A little like when he found out that a wretch had shot her, after a date. -They've been on-again, off-again for the past few years. And the last time... it happened because she didn’t agree to marry him.- well, this she shouldn’t have said it, but how could she resist to not have the satisfaction? Alvez must have known that there was a man out there who wished to make their computer' technician as his wife, who had loved her so much. Because yes, it's clear that Luke also loves Penelope, but... but he must never forget the luck he would get if she allowed him to love her. She is one of her best friends, a person too important, strong, but also terribly fragile and it’s her duty to protect her. Also, she is co-mom of her cat.

The man's legs refuse to move when he hears that word. Marry. The image of Penelope in a white dress flashes him. Her smooth, blond hair around her face, making her look even more like an angel. The frame of the clear, almost transparent glasses and the light makeup, because she doesn’t need it, to be beautiful. And shoes, shoes high, but not in an exaggerated way, on the other hand exalting terribly the neck of her foot. Nothing else, no other frills. The only accessory she would wear is her smile.

-Hey, Alvez, are you there, are you okay?- maybe she has a little exaggerated.

 One, I always look forward and I don’t give up; two, if I tell you you're the top, I'm lying...

She sits down at the spot marked on her note, next to a decidedly handsome man, with dark hair, slightly curls. If it were not for a pair of blue glasses, he could almost be mistaken for Luke. Damn it, why she can’t stop thinking about him? What's the point to fly miles away from him, if her heart has remained in Quantico?

He had find it, the kitten? If she closes her eyes, she can vividly relive the moment when he gave it to her... the way he had smiled at her, the nuances of his voice... what he had told her. Everything had led her to believe that... he was not just a slightly too careful colleague. And how had she reciprocated him? Reminding him that she wouldn’t stop tormenting him, even if he had shown careful about her, taking care of Reid.

How stupid!

-Attention, we are about to start the take-off phase. Please turn off your electronic devices and fasten your seat belts until the plane will reached a steady position.- Penelope hurries to execute and while she sends her cell phone to sleep, she is disappointed to see that there aren't messages from him. But why does she still hope to receive a signal?

-First time you flies?- she jumps, hearing her neighbor's voice. He is smiling at her and seems very kind.

-No, but I can’t get used to it.- she replies, trying to force the heart to regain a regular heartbeat. The stranger's eyes are brown, but slightly clearer than Luke's. Luke. All roads lead to him.

 Maybe yes, maybe not, very careful and distracted, you've ever wondered, why it happens that... getting hurt is easier than giving a kiss, for what reason I don’t know, and I... for a while I'll disappear... for a while I'll disappear...

Luke can’t conceive how much he misses her. It’s not just the need to hear some joke, stupid or joyful, but always apt, or about jealousy, challenge, sense of revenge. No, it’s only about love, the word that have always scared him. He had always tried to avoid it, but he wasn't able to stop himself from falling in love with her. She managed to penetrate his skin, to change everything, every attitude, every thought. If he hadn’t met her in that elevator, cold and willing to convince him of the talents of her Canadian boyfriend, would he accept Hotch's proposal to join the BAU? He doubts it, and so much. Surely when he met her he was already doing a little thought about it, even if to Rossi he had said the opposite. But she, Penelope, had been decisive.

They all get on the jet. They go back home. But it's not home, if she's not there to wait for them, with some drink or big proclamations, and O'Keef without her laughter... it's just another place to feel alone. That's why he makes the decision to talk to JJ and understand why she has problem with him. It’s certain that it concerns Garcia, so he has twice reasons for doing so.

-Hey, JJ, can we talk for a moment?- the blonde looks up at him and then moves to Prentiss. She nods and follows him in the drinks area. She puts her arms folded and stares at him, waiting. -Would you tell me what I did to you? You've been strange since before we left, and I have a theory. Do you want to hear it?- she doesn’t answer. -I think it's about Garcia and, also the reason she left the team overnight. And I think that Emily also knows it, but she has an opinion different from yours, because she didn’t treat me like you...- the blonde explodes.

-Ok, what the hell! You're right, it's Garcia!- she pushes him away. -It's your fault, Alvez and I'm not like her, I'm not understanding and sweet like Penelope, so I'll never stop hating you for having hurt her.- her eyes are bright, but out of anger, not for the pain.

-I... I would never have…- she doesn’t let him finish talking, of course. Their screams are heard in the armchairs, but Emily signals the others to take no notice.

-Maybe not consciously, but you did it anyway, the result doesn’t change.- he realizes that she is trying to calm down. -With all those looks, those smiles, those attentions that you have dedicated her... do you think I’m an idiot, Luke? Do you really think I didn’t notice anything? Why grab her remote-control and play with it before leaving it to her, why smiling sly when she called you newbie, why help her get off the sidewalk, console her for Reid, give her that damn kitten... take her to your friend with that pet...- while she talks, he blushes. But JJ doesn’t seem to be left in the slightest move. -I wonder, in fact, I ask you... why do all these things and then go out with another woman? Engage with another but don’t stop flirting with Garcia? And then, the worst crime: bringing her to O'Keef. Will never comes with us. That's our space, Luke, ours, only BAU, do you understand?- she runs a hand across her face.-Yes, I understand...- but the blonde shakes her head.

-No, you didn’t, otherwise you wouldn’t have brought Lisa. What did you think, Alvez, when you were with her? Why make fun of two women? I know you now, and you're not like that, you're not that kind of man... So? Why tease Garcia, deceive her that way and then find another one? Answer me, for the love of heaven!- Luke tries to stem her outburst by taking her by the shoulders.

-I don’t know, JJ, I swear. I didn’t even want to go out with Lisa, it was Phil who has organized everything and forced me. I... I didn’t do it on purpose, nothing. Until... until Lisa told me that Garcia had staring at me all the time and that it was perfectly clear that she was in love with me... I swear, I didn’t realize it, neither about what I felt, nor about that what she felt. I'm... I was so blind and stupid, but I never wanted to hurt her, never, never. She is a miracle on earth and I would be ecstatic if only I could hear her voice one more time, even if she told me I'm an asshole.- JJ yields and hugs him, but also gives him some pat on the back.

-I don’t know if I can forgive you anyway, for making her feel bad, whether you were conscious of it or not. You said it, she's a miracle and deserves someone who is aware of it and that treat her like a queen.- they break away and Luke looks down, obviously not feeling up to that task. -And you're, for the hell, that person. So, find her, please, and bring her back to us. It's an order.-

 And if the pain prevails, it will make more sense... this will disappear, it’s what I think, what it means, what it means, that I have suffocated... only the need of who, has not forgotten you, and I... for a while, I will disappear...

The heart is about to come out of her chest. She doesn’t care that others understand. She shows too much apprehension to be just a colleague, who for the most part has never given a single sign of having accepted him in the team. Nothing counts, at this moment, except know, checking with her own eyes that he is fine. She doesn’t greet them almost and rushes to the room where they told her she will find him. She opens the door with a click, because otherwise she would remain on the threshold indefinitely, without finding the courage to take that step.

He is covered up to his armpits by a white sheet and looks terribly thin, small and fragile, as she had ever seen him. And his skin is so strange. The arms abandoned along the body, motionless. And closed eyelids.

-Luke.- she moans, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers. It's cold, of course. The memory of that nickname snatches a smile from her. -I can’t leave you alone one day, see what you do without me.- with the other, she touches his hair. So many time she wanted to sink her fingers and now she can do it... -Please, Luke, lift those eyelids and show me your beautiful dark eyes...- no change. If there wasn’t that machine that continues to beep, she would doubt that she is still alive. The chest lifts so slowly... -It was my fault, I know, I should not have left, but I needed it, I don’t know if you'll be able ever to understand or forgive me, but I couldn’t stay and see you... happy with another woman. I love you too much, yes, exactly, too much. Not like I love others, not even Derek. I'm... I'm jealous of you, although... even if the most important thing is that you feel good, because you deserve it, you are such a good boy and I... I tried to deny it with all of myself, and it has nothing to do with the fact that you have taken the Morgan's place. It has to do with that I can’t afford to be in love with you, and I was right... you found a wonderful person, both outside and inside and...- now she is openly crying, tears running down, crossing her cheeks and a go directly on the inert hand of man. But without making any sound, only from time to time she is forced to stop because the lump in her throat becomes too tight. -But now if you open your eyes and... you insult me or give any sign of life, I promise I’ll return to work for the BAU and I’ll stay close to you, for what I can, even if I have to see you marry Lisa...- she lets go his hand and bends over to place a kiss on his forehead. Another tear falls from the female face on the male one and ends on his lips. She doesn’t even try to capture it, if anything like this would happens... she doesn’t want their first kiss will be like that.

Then she hears like a whisper. She notices that it comes from Luke. Both the lips and the eyelids are pulsing, then the eyes open wide, but he doesn’t seem to be able to focus on her. He coughes a little.

-Luke! You woke up, I knew you would not have left us.- she jumps and screams. She would like to throw her arms around his neck, but in his condition, she understands that this is not the case. She is forced to stop because he keeps trying to say something. She places her ear close to his mouth to hear better.

-Pe... Pen... Penelope...- she warns other tears ready to be poured. He is saying her name! She moves away and smiles at him. Even the man's lips bend in a slight smile.

-Yes, it's me, I'm here, everything's ok! Now I'm going to call a nurse, somebody, so everything will be all right, okay?- she turns and starts to move away, but a slight squeeze on her wrist forces her to turn back.

-No... please... don’t... go...- she turns to him and nods. She doesn’t have time to do anything else, because the door opens, and a brunette woman enters, who rushes towards Luke, almost crashing Penelope. Lisa.

-Oh, love, you woke up, I was so worried!- she throws herself on him and starts kissing him, but the man doesn’t seem particularly happy. He doesn’t close his eyes, on the contrary, he continues to look at his colleague. He almost seems to ask for help. Then, finally she separates and seems to realize that they aren’t alone. -Hey, Penelope, why don’t you go call someone? I stay with my boyfriend.- there is something bad, however, in the tone of the brunette. And as she continues to stare at her, her face is deformed, her mouth widening like that of Pennywise in IT. Sharp teeth and long fingernails like claws.

Penelope remains paralyzed and can’t even scream.

 But in the real world it succeeds. And so, doing wake up her travel companion and not just him. It takes some time to reassure everyone. She looks out the window, they are so high up that the cities below them look like a myriad of glowing dots. A perverse thought comes to her mind. Luke would never come back for me, to save me, he would never do miles and miles just to see me and make sure I'm fine. But she would do it. Love, sometimes, is just disgusting.

The anxiety is such that as soon as she lands she does exactly what JJ had asked her, calls her, to make sure everything is going well and that the dream was only that: a fantasy elaborated by her mind. After breathing a sigh of relief, she walks along the streets of the city where she grew up, before her parents died, that she was adopted. San Francisco.

Every street, every signboard brings back memories, even if many things have changed, so many shops have closed, and new ones have appeared. She doesn’t even know why she chose this place. There's nothing left and no one for her here.

She looks at the sign with a cross on it and sighs.

She comes in, her feet direct her to the right place, even though there has been so few times. Too few. She kneels, leaving herself almost to fall on the ground and caresses the headstone, the gold writing and the photographs. -Mom, dad, I'm home.-

 Maybe yes, maybe not, very careful and distracted, you've ever wondered, why it happens that... getting hurt is easier than giving a kiss, for what reason I don’t know, and I... for a while I'll disappear... for a while I'll disappear...

A race against time. His life after they land at Quantico becomes exactly this. Rushing at the airport, boarding the plane and counting the minutes that are missing at the landing. But San Francisco isn’t around the corner and therefore he is forced to yield. Falls asleep. And he has a strange dream, where he is in a coma-like state, even though he has never experienced such a sensation. He senses everything around him, he even sees it, but his eyes are tight. He notices when Penelope enters his room, when she takes his hand and starts to explain to him that he must wake up, because she loves him even if he is with Lisa, even if she is not the one he wants close to him. He tries with all his strength to open his eyes, but he can’t, some strange force prevents him. And then she starts crying and to be not able to console her is too much. A tear ends up on his eyelids and as if by magic he finally manages to raise them. And she smiles at him, she's so beautiful... he would like to tell her, along with many other things, but then enters Lisa, even if she looks more like a witch and she hugs him, hurting him and then kisses him and sends Penelope away and he doesn’t want to but can’t stop her and then...

Black. Someone shaking his shoulder. A hostess. They have landed. He has arrived.

And then the race begins again. Where will she be? The irony of the situation is that the data that are in his possession there were come out right from Kevin. By now the man has resigned himself to have losing Garcia (if he ever really had had her) and it seems that he is about to getting married to a certain Gina. However, this isn’t what interests him. No close relatives of Penelope reside in San Francisco. So, there is only one place where she may have felt the need to go.

He knew it well before he landed. Without knowing a rational reason. Instinct or maybe something else. He walks hurriedly, without running. He makes the sign of the cross, then wanders among the tombs for a while, before finding a custodian. Explain that he is looking for a friend's parents, who should be buried here. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know their real surname, because Kevin couldn’t find this information. Probably Penelope has found a way to censor and block some parts of her personal file. The same succeeds in obtaining the desired result. The caretaker remembers her. She was such a sweet and pretty girl, how could anyone forget her?

His eyes are throbbing, as he turns the corner, ready to face her, even if she’ll decide to insult him, if she’ll tell him it's too late, it's out of time, that she can never forgive him... he's prepared for everything. He is also ready to make the most of the sacrifices: leave the BAU, where he has found a family, his own place, in order to make return her to Quantico. It must not be her, the one who leaves.

He is prepared for everything... but not for the possibility of not finding her. He looks the smiling faces of Penelope's parents. From her mother she took those big eyes, from dad instead her blond hair. His lips fold in a sweet smile. He reads the written sentence under the date of death.

From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity. [Edvard Munch]

Definitely Garcia sack flour. Then notice something resting on the marble. A photo. It rained, before he arrived, and also very strong. In fact, it is faded, swollen with water and also quite crumpled. But he recognizes it instantly. It portrays a brown-haired man, a blonde woman and a shepherd dog. He doesn’t look towards the goal but towards her, as if she were a divine apparition. And her eyes are low, on the animal. Nor did she notice it. They aren’t perfectly in the picture because he has never been able to do these things. But he had so insisted that she finally gave in. And after seeing the photo on the computer, she had asked (kindly) to make two copies. One for her. But just because it portrays me and Roxy, don’t get your head up.

The other copy is on his desk. Next to the statuette of a dog and a black and white rubber cat.

He shakes his head and giggles, hearing again that phrase with her tone and even the punch on the arm she had given him. Penelope isn’t here, but she has been there.

Now he has just to find her.

  TAGS: @theshamelessmanatee @itsdawnashlie @talesoffairies @janiedreams88 @kiki-krakatoa @yessenia993 @teyamarra @c00lhandsluke  @gcchic @arses21434 @orangesickle @entireoranges @jarmin @kathy5654 @martinab26 @thisonekid @thenibblets @perfectly-penelope @ambrosiaswhispers @maziikeen92 @lovelukealvez @reidskitty13 @jenf42 @gracieeelizabeth27 @silviajajaja @smalliemichelle99 @charchampagne14 @ichooseno  @ megs2219 @rkt3357 @franklintrixie @thinitta @chewwy123 @skisun @maba84 @saisnarry @myhollyhanna23 @thenorthernlytes

[tinxanax]

Quando te ne vai da Tumblr?

1) Non servi a un cazzo e non posti niente

2) Gli abbonamenti che dai sono inutili come te

3) Levi i post persino a quelli abbonati

4) Prometti che esci le tette e poi fai persino la vittima dicendo che vieni molestata

5) Sei deprimente come la merda

6) Posti le foto censurate e in chat mandi i nudes a mezzo mondo

7) Sei troia

8) Levati che sei il cancro dei social

Queste cose fanno male. Fanno davvero male. Tralasciando che l'idea di lasciare Tumblr c'era già da un po', vorrei capire però, se mi odi così tanto, perché semplicemente non blocchi?

1. Posto quel che mi sento di postare

2. Gli abbonamenti sono cosa vecchia e mi son dimenticata di toglierlo.

3. Quando ho smesso di mettere contenuti per abbonati, ho informato uno ad uno gli abbonati, che non ci sarebbero più stati quel genere di post.

4. Qui, molestie, ne ho subite parecchie.

5. Sono deprimente perché? Perché come mezzo mondo uso Tumblr come valvola di sfogo? Okay scusa

6. Ah okay

7. Ah okay.

8. Pensavo fosse il cyberbullismo il cancro dei social.

Comunque non preoccuparti, sparirò presto. E vorrei che questa domanda/risposta, risponda alla domanda che mi fanno spesso "ma perché ti tagli?" Ecco perché. Perché non sono abbastanza forte per affrontare gli insulti, l'odio e il disprezzo.

[arte-miss7]

Penso che sparirò per un po’

[sefaiunbelrespiro]

è che sono un po’ stufa e quando sono stufa ho bisogno di mettere la musica al massimo, vestirmi in quel mood che mi piace tanto (ma che non si intona molto col mio carattere per andarci in giro), e liberarmi un po’. Continuo a liberarmi, a mettere X grandi come una casa su persone che un po’ mi deludono per cercare di non sentirmi più in questo modo. Forse faccio discorsi un po’ da egoista, come nel libro che ho appena finito di leggere di Zerocalcare dove parlava di un codice etico dell’amicizia che probabilmente si era creato da solo, forse no. Fatto sta che do più peso a certe cose da quando ho superato un quarto di secolo (forse già da un po’ prima) e mi sento più libera, si. Nonostante tutto (cerco) di non farmi più calpestare. E allora va bene, sai? Va bene, mi piace imparare a muovermi anche in queste cose perché probabilmente prima non ne sono mai stata in grado. Non voglio falsità accanto a me e preferisco avere un paio di amici affianco veri piuttosto che dieci falsi. Preferisco stare da sola piuttosto che circondarmi di certe persone. Questo è il mio nono anno lontano da casa, credo di aver imparato a convivere sola con me stessa, ce la si può fare. Forse è anche per questo che ormai nemmeno qui ho più conversazioni. Probabilmente risulterò spocchiosa ed antipatica, ma in questo momento sono così, mi cascano i coglioni (che non ho) quando leggo di inizi di conversazione con “Ciao, come stai?”. Quindi non lo so, magari cancellerò questo post nelle prossime ore. Magari sparirò per un po’ anche da qui. Magari domani mi passa.

So you wanted real?

Now I’m being it.

[il-pianoforte-scordato]

sparirò per un po', col desiderio che sia per sempre

[trattengo-ilfiato]

Sparirò per un po’

[toxic-ansiety-8910]

Sparirò per un po'

Non so il motivo, ma so che sta per succedere

[clacclo]

I'M YOUR MAN

If you want a lover

I'll do anything you ask me to

And if you want another kind of love

I'll wear a mask for you

If you want a partner

Take my hand

Or if you want to strike me down in anger

Here I stand

I'm your man

If you want a boxer

I will step into the ring for you

And if you want a doctor

I'll examine every inch of you

If you want a driver

Climb inside

Or if you want to take me for a ride

You know you can

I'm your man

Ah, the moon's too bright

The chain's too tight

The beast won't go to sleep

I've been running through these promises to you

That I made and I could not keep

Ah but a man never got a woman back

Not by begging on his knees

Or I'd crawl to you baby

And I'd fall at your feet

And I'd howl at your beauty

Like a dog in heat

And I'd claw at your heart

And I'd tear at your sheet

I'd say please, please

I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep

A moment on the road

I will steer for you

And if you want to work the street alone

I'll disappear for you

If you want a father for your child

Or only want to walk with me a while

Across the sand

I'm your man

If you want a lover

I'll do anything you ask me to

And if you want another kind of love

I'll wear a mask for you

SONO IL TUO UOMO

Se vuoi un'amante

Farò tutto quello che mi chiedi di fare

E se vuoi un altro tipo di amore

Indosserò una maschera per te

Se vuoi un partner

Prendi la mia mano

O se vuoi colpirmi con la rabbia

Eccomi qui

Sono il tuo uomo

Se vuoi un pugile

Entrerò nel ring per te

E se vuoi un dottore

Esaminerò ogni centimetro di te

Se vuoi un autista

Entra dentro

O se vuoi portarmi a fare un giro

Sai che puoi

Sono il tuo uomo

Ah, la luna è troppo luminosa

La catena è troppo stretta

La bestia non vuole andare a dormire

Ho corso attraverso queste promesse per te

Che ho fatto e non ho saputo mantenere

Ah ma nessun uomo ha mai avuto una donna che tornasse indietro

Senza averla pregata in ginocchio

O striscierei per te tesoro

E cadrei ai tuoi piedi

E ululerei alla tua bellezza

Come un cane in calore

E graffierei il tuo cuore

E strapperei il tuo lenzuolo

Direi per favore, per favore

Sono il tuo uomo

E se devi dormire

Un momento sulla strada

Guiderei per te

E se vuoi lavorare per strada da sola

Sparirò per te

Se vuoi un padre per il tuo bambino

O se vuoi solo camminare con me per un po'

Per la spiaggia

Sono il tuo uomo

Se vuoi un'amante

Farò tutto quello che mi chiedi di fare

E se vuoi un altro tipo di amore

Indosserò una maschera per te

[fuckblood89]

Credo che sparirò all’improvviso per un po’ dalle vostre vite almeno spero..

[yomersapiens]

Questa sera sono andato a cucinare a casa di persiani un po’ perché avevo un sacco di roba buona e se non la condividi per diffondere il bene sei uno stronzo e un po’ perché loro hanno i fornelli a gas e mi manca un casino cucinare con la fiamma perché possiamo dire quello che vogliamo, ma le piastre elettriche fanno schifo al cazzo, senza se e senza ma. Una cosa semplice, spaghetti con poca roba in più. Mentre spiegavo i segreti per la cottura della pasta, ovvero che devi seguire le indicazioni dei minuti dato che se li scriviamo un motivo c’è e che non la butti nell’acqua se non sta prima bollendo, non la lasci lì in ammollo in attesa della propria truce fine (poi possiamo dissentire sul quando versare il sale ma su questo no). Finito di cenare arriva il momento topico, quando spiego l’importanza della scarpetta. Racconto la storia che in Italia se non fai scarpetta poi la mamma si arrabbia perché vede il piatto sporco e pensa non ti sia piaciuto. A casa mia la tradizione vuole che puliamo il piatto con il pane così che il nonno possa dire sempre la stessa battuta “Ah ma come, non ti ho dato da mangiare? È così pulito! Guarda come è pulito stu piatto!” e anche se è la millesima volta che glielo senti dire tu ridi lo stesso. Il mio amico si alza in piedi e prende la padella e si mette a pulirla col pane e io mi sento orgoglioso del mio lavoro e gli scatto una foto perché la devo mandare a mio nonno e raccontargli del successo della serata e di come ho insegnato alla antica Persia quello che ho imparato da lui. Guardo l’ora, cazzo è tardi. Lo chiamo domani. Poi non so che è successo ma mi è salita la tristezza pensando che adesso lo posso ancora fare, ma tra un po’ a chi diavolo racconterò del mio farmi valere con la scarpetta quando non ci sarà più? Sarà perché oggi facevo due calcoli sulla mia vita, dove voglio passare la terza fase, perché la prima è andata, la seconda la sto vivendo ma la terza ho tutto il tempo per pensarla ed idealizzarla. Vorrei per una volta vivere al mare. Le montagne le ho fatte. La metropoli pure. Voglio una conclusione decente. Ho pensato alla casetta minuscola di Positano. Ecco lì mi ci vedrei bene. Ok in inverno si muore di freddo perché il riscaldamento non esiste e forse sarebbe un casino in caso di malattia (e con me è sempre dietro l’angolo, al mio matrimonio farò dire solo “prometti di amarlo in malattia e più malattia” perché cara mia meglio giocare a carte scoperte), ma pensarmi lì, con una connessione internet decente, un kindle facilmente aggiornabile (voi che amate i libri cartacei siete stupendi ma provate a fare traslochi portandovi dietro quintali di libri e poi mi capirete) (tranne @spaam che trasloca tra continenti portandosi dietro la collezione di vinili e una libreria di perle rare), qualche videogioco, qualcosa per scrivere, a camminare su e giù per le scale tutti i giorni, dimenticando l’ultima volta in cui mi sono accorciato la barba, diventando amico di tutte le case con orto così da potermi fare offrire di tutto, ecco, mi sono visto felice. Grazie al cazzo direte voi. Ma la tristezza vera è pensare che per realizzare questo dovrò passare attraverso un’improbabile eredità. Aspettare che qualcuno crepi per prendere un po’ di denaro e poi praticamente mettere in piedi la mia tomba. Naturale passaggio generazionale forse. Non so se avrò mai dei figli ma anche con loro sarò chiaro “Ragazzi, abbiamo poco tempo da passare insieme, fate il cazzo che volete con i miei soldi ma se li spendete in droga almeno sia buona e restateci secchi”. Cristo se sto invecchiando. Parlo di matrimoni e figli e fine dell’esistenza. Cosa cazzo sto diventando. Ok si tratta di racconti di fantasia perché niente di questo è realizzabile, ma è l’inizio della fine. Ogni tanto quassù mi fido delle segnalazioni di tumblr e vado alla ricerca di persone nuove da seguire e mi rendo conto sempre di più che non si trova più una cosa che prima c’era. Cioè il perché cazzo uno scrive. Leggo un sacco di frasi altamente condivisibili ma che altro non sono che constatazioni. “Stare male fa male”. Poi una foto sexy. Poi un racconto esplicito dell’ultima esperienza sessuale. Poi io vorrei davvero togliermi sti anni in più e gioire o almeno capire oppure sentirmi parte del tutto ma no, non ci riesco. Il mio tempo è andato e mi accontento delle piccole gioie. Tipo tramandare la tradizione della scarpetta o pensare al momento in cui farò ridere mio nonno mentre glielo racconto. O l’ammorbidente nuovo di cui ho parlato qualche post fa. Ecco vedete. Anche se quello che ho scritto non vuol dire un cazzo almeno c’è continuità. Se leggi sto tumblr dall’inizio alla fine puoi capire l’evoluzione del personaggio. L’ascesa. La caduta. La caduta ancora. La caduta ulteriore e tutto il frantumarsi delle ossa per proseguire sempre più verso il basso fino a scoprire che un fondo non c’è e va bene così. Manca continuità oggigiorno signora mia. Io continuerò ad invecchiare e riempirmi di rimpianti stupendi con cui accoccolarmi la sera. Poi mi verrà voglia di scrivere e rimanderò il momento per giorni. Poi mi accenderò una canna e dilaterò il tempo. Mangerò della cioccolata e dilaterò lo spazio, della cintura. Cliccherò posta ed ecco un altro capitolo che probabilmente non leggerò mai più, o che farò leggere a qualcuno per farmi conoscere. “Ciao sono Matteo, questo è il mio tumblr, credo nell’importanza della scarpetta e tra poco sparirò dalla tua vita per andare a vivere al mare. Forse. Non lo so”.

[animastamina]

Dove sei finita amore

Come non ci sei più

E ti dico che mi manchi

Se vuoi ti dico cosa mi manca

Adesso che non ci sono più

Adesso che ridono di me

Adesso che non ci sei più

Non so se

Ti ricordi di me

Quanto bello abbracciarti

Per sentirsi un po' a casa

Sarà bello abbracciarti

Dirti mi sei mancata

In un bosco di me

C’è un rumore incessante

E lo faccio da parte

Tu sei la mia voce

Mi ricordo di te

Mi vedevano ridere sola

Ma eri te

Ho baciato un foglio bianco

E la forma delle mie labbra

Ha scritto da dove nasci tu e che non morirai e se

Negli occhi delle serrande si stenderanno e io sparirò.