#personally I have a harpoon license and I love telling people how I got it at the age of 15

[thesinglesock]

Norwegians are fun because everyone has at least dabbled in some kind of extreme sport and no one knows how to small talk. So you will meet the sweetest, most unassuming woman who works as an accountant for some tech company and when you ask her what she likes to do for fun she will get a wicked spark in her eye and say "glacier climbing. I know it's dangerous and there's always a chance I won't make it back alive, but that's a risk I'm personally okay with taking." or you might be chatting with someone you don't know that well, and suddenly they'll drop a bomb like "at least you can't fuck up any harder than I did back when I lost the 200 cattle I was supposed to be herding across the Australian Outback". No buildup. No warning. They don't mean to derail the conversation, but you're free to open that can of worms if you want. I swear everyone is batshit under the surface and they will gladly share their wild stories if you ask. It's great.

[one-of-us-blog]

Licence to Kill (1989)

Today Drew is forced to watch and recap 1989’s Licence to Kill, the sixteenth James Bond adventure. Bond’s goin’ rogue, baby! When a drug lord almost kills his good friend Felix Leiter, Bond takes it personally and sets out to get revenge. Will Bond need to dig two graves before setting off on this quest for vengeance?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, it was so great to hear how much you enjoyed both parts of “Seems Like Old Times”! I agree that it was wonderful to see Dorothy again, and I’m really glad this was a positive experience for you. I’m also glad that we had some real talk about James Bond Jr., because you really saved me from falling into a rabbit hole. I had some big ambitions about tackling the whole series, but after watching those first ten episode I had the wind taken out of my sails in a major way. I love some cheesy cartoons as much as the next guy, but the idea of covering all 60 or so episodes of that show made me dread making a new post every time I thought about it. I feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to power through the whole series, but you giving me permission to abandon that little side project took a lot of weight off my shoulders. Now I’m ready to finish off the rest of the Bond movies, so let’s get to it!

Buttocks tight!

Screenplay by Michael G. Wilson & Richard Maibaum, film directed by John Glen

Bond and his good friend Felix Leiter (David Hedison) (I can’t believe we’re getting two movies in a row with Leiter in it, and this Leiter even looks a bit familiar!) are on their way to Leiter’s wedding (I wonder how Gordo will feel about his new stepmom?) when they’re snatched up by some dorks from the DEA. Turns out Leiter has moved on from the CIA and taken up a post at the DEA, and now his new friends want his help in rounding up a drug lord and all around loony Frank Sanchez (Robert Davi). Leiter only lets Bond come along as an observer, but this is Bond so naturally he’s got to get involved and also make the moves on Sanchez’s shaken and abused girlfriend Lupe (Talisa Soto). We get a brief aerial chase and we see Bond grapple down to hook Sanchez’s plane to the DEA helicopter, and with the drug lord successfully snagged Leiter and Bond are both able to parachute down to the wedding. We get a genuinely funny sight gag of some kids lifting up Leiter and Bond’s parachutes like they’re trains on wedding dresses and then we jump right into this movie’s title sequence.

Miss Gladys Knight herself belts out “Licence to Kill”, which is a solid bop, as we get some shots letting us know that a casino is going to be involved in this plot somehow. Were you worried that we wouldn’t get some silhouettes of naked ladies dancing around? Well rest easy, because the ladies are back and the same as ever.

To just about everyone’s shock, the bit we saw before the title sequence wasn’t inconsequential to the actual plot of the movie and we rejoin Sanchez as he’s being interrogated by DEA officers. Sanchez tries to bribe his way to freedom, but it seems Officer Killifer (Everett McGill), who shares a name with my sexy teen serial killer OC, can’t be bought. We jump back to that whole wedding thing, and Bond and Della (Priscilla Barnes), Leiter’s new bride, share several kisses because that’s the kind of friend to Leiter that Bond is. Bond goes to Leiter’s office and finds him talking shop with Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell). Bond chides Leiter for working while there’s a part going outside, but Leiter’s a real dweeb and would rather talk about Sanchez than get wasted at his own reception. Killifer shows up because I guess this is more important than cracking Sanchez, and that reminds me that I really need to get to work on finishing the ending for Killifer Krisch and the Case of Maul Madness (in which Killifer visits her local mall and gets into a competition with her rival Tuffany to see who can kill the most people before closing time). Killifer leaves immediately because everything he came to tell Leiter could have been said via a telephone call and Leiter goes out to finally cut the cake.

Killifer teleports back to the DEA so he can help transport Sanchez to jail or wherever, only it seems our beloved Killifer was not as innocent as he seemed (a similarly shocking revelation took place in Killifer Krisch and the Christmas Eve-il, in which Killifer reveals to her friends Tanja and Briff that it was, in fact, she who mutilated that Salvation Army Santa) as he immediately crashes Sanchez’s transport into the ocean and has a team of scuba diving friends of his scoop the drug lord up and doggy paddle him to safety. Bond is finally leaving Leiter and Della so they can get on with their honeymoon, and Della inadvertently stirs up some bad memories by tossing Bond her garter and pointing out the gross belief that a man who catches a bride’s garter will be the next one to be married. After Bond leaves Leiter lets Della in on the whole Tracy situation which I’d honestly kind of forgotten about at this point.

Leiter and Della prepare to leave, but they’re ambushed by Sanchez’s men. Sanchez’s henchman Milton Krest (Anthony Zerbe) wants to kill Killifer and make a break for it (a similar almost-double cross took place in Killifer Krisch and the Game of Truth or Die, in which Killifer’s friend Clairna attempts to sell Killifer out in order to survive the deadly sleepover they find themselves trapped at), but Sanchez is a man of his word and won’t leave without paying Killifer the money he’s owed. Sanchez’s personal henchman Dario (Benicio del Toro in the roll no one saw coming) lets him know Leiter has arrived and Sanchez goes to greet his friend from the DEA. Della is nowhere to be seen, and Dario implies that she’s been raped and killed. Sanchez arranges for Leiter to be eaten by a shark, and we see his leg ripped off. These movies sure are fun!

Bond’s at the airport and about to leave when he finds out about Sanchez’s escape. He arrives at Leiter’s bungalow and finds Della’s dead body waiting for him. He finds Leiter horribly mangled and barely alive. Leiter’s friend Sharkey calls and Bond tells him to get help for Leiter. Leiter’s in the hospital and Sharkey’s spirit bond with his namesake lets him know that it was a shark that got Leiter. A DEA agent arrives and says their case on Sanchez is somehow caput since Sanchez had all of Leiter’s notes destroyed, but Bond says he and Sharkey will take care of this themselves. Sharkey takes Bond to Krest’s aquarium and Bond knows Killifer is lurking around. That night Bond and Sharkey (by which I mean just Bond) break into the aquarium after almost getting attacked by an inflatable shark pool toy.

Bond finds drugs hidden in some maggots that were being fed to fish, then locks a guard in the maggot pit so he can be eaten alive (a similarly gruesome death took place in Killifer Krisch and the MRSA-cre of St. Joseph Hospital, which won both a Bram Stoker Award and a Hugo). Another guard starts shooting at Bond, which results in some tanks getting smashed and some fish who ain’t never done nothin’ to nobody dying. Bond kills the guard by yanking him into a tank with an electric eel and electrocuting him, because why not get goofy from time to time? Killifer arrives and holds Bond at gunpoint and prepares to feed him to the shark that bit off most of Leiter. Sharkey manages to pop up like a whack-a-mole and knock Killifer off balance, and Bond seals the deal by tossing Bond into the tank where he’s chowed down on by the shark. I haven’t been this shocked by a character’s early death since Tuffany got killed off in Killifer Krisch and the Battle for the Gore-eria! The DEA is unhappy about Bond taking matters into his own hands, and Bond is taken to see M and his army of cats.

M tells Bond to drop the Leiter vendetta, so Bond quits. As we all know, Bond absolutely loves revenge and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it at all. M revokes Bond’s license to kill and demands him to turn over his weapon, but instead he beats up M’s goons and flees. Aw, shit, y’all, Bond’s gone rogue! We get a disgusting scene with Krest gearing up to rape Lupe on a boat when he’s interrupted by some goon telling him their sonar is picking up something moving toward them. Krest says it’s just a manta ray, but it’s actually Bond in a manta ray fursuit. Bond manages to infiltrate Krest’s ship and finds more drogas stashed onboard. He holds a knife to Lupe’s throat and makes her lie to Krest when he comes to ask her if she saw anyone sneak aboard. Bond sees that Sharkey’s been killed by Krest’s men, and now he’s feeling like going roguer than rogue. He kills the guy that killed Sharkey with a harpoon and steals the man’s scuba gear as Krest tries to get a drug deal over with. Bond foils the deal by tearing open the bags of drugs underwater before they can get back to Krest (and presumably gets a bunch of fish high af in the process) and then after some waterskiing antics manages to get onto the plane that delivered the drugs, kill the two men onboard and fly away with about five mil.

Bond heads back to Leiter’s house and finds a disk that Sanchez’s men missed. It holds a list of informants, and the only one on the list who isn’t dead is Pam Bouvier. Bouvier had a meeting scheduled with Leiter, and Bond goes in his place. Bond barely has time to sit down before Dario arrives and joins them at their table. Bouvier plans ahead and has had a shotgun in her lap this whole time, which makes Bond’s pistol look a little inadequate. How’d she get into the bar carrying a shotgun, one might ask? Who cares! A barfight breaks out and Bouvier shoots a hole in the wall so Bond can shimmy out into a speedboat. Dario shoots Bouvier in the back as she joins Bond, but she’s wearing a bullet proof vest under her tank top. Bond condescends to Bouvier about almost getting herself killed, and she correctly points out that she saved his life back there. If there’s one thing Bong hates it’s a capable woman who doesn’t need him to save her, so he’s pretty miffed. The boat runs out of gas and Bond tells Bouvier that he’s going after Sanchez. Bouvier was an Army pilot, so he hires her to fly him into Sanchez’s compound. The two haggle over money and then have sex for no damn reason (a similarly unnecessary sex scene took place in Killifer Krisch’s Fifty Shades of Gray Matter, but in my defense the whole Fifty Shades thing was in full swing at the time and my publisher was really breathing down my dick to get something hot on the market).

Back in MI6, M chides Moneypenny for making typos or something and Moneypenny puts in a call to Q Branch. Bond and Bouvier arrive in Isthmus. Bond wants Bouvier to split now that she’s flown him in, but she insists on staying and getting revenge on Sanchez. Bond deposits the stolen drug money in a bank owned by Sanchez, and later he and Bouvier visit a casino also owned by Sanchez. I knew a casino was going to turn up sooner or later, but then again casinos have been on my mind ever since I finished Killifer Krisch and the Game of Texas Stab’em, in which Killifer, Briff and Tanja visit Las Vegas only to find themselves playing for their lives as the stakes get higher and higher. Anyway, Sanchez is busy being creepy with Lupe and smooching his pet iguana when he’s informed that Bond is betting a ton of money in the casino.

Sanchez sends Lupe in to take over as Bond’s dealer. Lupe recognizes Bond, and she tells him it would be best for him if he left. Bond demands that Lupe take him to Sanchez, and he ignores her protests and drags her into an elevator while Bouvier gets drunk at the bar. Bond is allowed to meet with Sanchez and tries to get himself hired as an assassin. Bond is sent away and he and Bouvier return to the hotel, where Bond is informed that his uncle is waiting for him. Turns out his uncle is none other than Q, who tells him he’s here at Moneypenny’s request. Q has all sorts of gadgets, including a Polaroid which fires a laser and takes X-ray images of both people and pictures of people.

Q poses as Bond’s chauffer and Bond leaves Bouvier at the bar once again as he poses as a waiter to get close to Sanchez. Sanchez is meeting with an international conglomerate of drug dealers, and one of them, Kwang (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), insists on being shown to Sanchez’s drug production facility. Bond plans to use some Q Branch explosive toothpaste to break Sanchez’s bulletproof office windows. Bond tells Q to get lost prepares to snipe Sanchez after blowing the windows. He spots Bouvier seemingly making a deal with one of Sanchez’s men and panics. He blows the windows, but before he can take the shot he’s ambushed by two masked martial artists who knock him out and drag him to a cabin in the woods. Turns out they work for Kwang, who’s a member of the Hong Kong Police here to infiltrate Sanchez’s business. They’re joined by Fallon, an MI6 agent sent to arrest Bond.

Fallon and Kwang prepare to knock out Bond so he can be taken back to London, but Sanchez’s men have followed them and fire on the shack with a gotdamn tank. Kwang, his sidekicks and Fallon are all killed while just trying to do their jobs, but Bond survives. Bond wakes up in the heart of Sanchez’s base, and Bond says Kwang and Fallon were trying to arrest him for being an assassin or whatever. Sanchez assumes they were responsible for his windows being exploded last night, and he sends Bond and Lupe off for a tour. Lupe tells Bond he should stay put, but then she helps him escape by distracting some guards long enough for him to sneak onto a speedboat. Q and Bouvier are just chilling at the hotel when Bond bursts in, tosses Bouvier onto the bed, climbs on top of her and shoves a gun in her face while asking if she’s working for Sanchez. Bouvier explains she was trying to set up a sting in Sanchez’s office, and Bond blew all that to hell by being the big dummy he is.

Bond makes a plan involving Bouvier, Lupe and Q. He withdraws all of his money from bank and then his crack team infiltrates Krest’s ship and frames Krest for the theft of the drug money by planting the money on the ship. The money is found and Sanchez kills Krest by locking him in a decompression chamber and ramping up the pressure. Bond tells Bouvier and Q to get lost for the hundredth time and goes off on his own to get back to Sanchez’s compound before Sanchez notices he’s missing. Now that Krest is gone there’s an opening in Sanchez’s inner circle, so he invites Bond in. After Sanchez leaves Lupe lets herself in and she and Bond have sex. The next day Lupe goes to Bouvier and Q and tells them Bond needs to get the heck out of there, which is surprising to Bouvier as she assumed Bond had left the country. Lupe lets slip that she and Bond banged one out last night, and I haven’t seen a character feel so betrayed since Killifer discovered the truth behind Briff’s parentage in Killifer Krisch and the Die-NA Test of Doom.

Bouvier is pissed that Bond slept with another woman, because she’s a normal human being and that’s how you feel about that sort of thing. Q tells her that’s just how it is on this bitch of an Earth, and they plan to help Bond. Bond is taken to Sanchez drug lab, and Bond barely escapes being recognized by Dario. Bouvier plane is being worked on, so she has to hitchhike to the religious compound façade located over Sanchez’s lab. Bouvier tricks the fake cult leader working as Sanchez’s middleman into letting her tour the facility, while in the lab the process of smuggling cocaine out by dissolving it in gasoline is explained. I have seen science this faulty since Killifer went on vacation to Transylvania and wound up in a game of cat-and-mouse with a mad scientist in Killifer Krisch and the Clones of Dr. Funkenstein!

Bouvier pulls a gun on the fake cult leader and locks him up. Dario recognizes Bond, so Bond causes a distraction by lighting the lab on fire and making a break for it. He gets caught by Dario and Dario tells Sanchez Bond is an informant and Bond gets strapped to a conveyer belt headed for an in industrial shredder. Bouvier manages to sneak into the facility as it’s headed toward meltdown and shoots Dario before he can knock Bond down into the shredder. Bond tugs Dario down into the shredder instead, and we get a shot of Dario’s legs being torn apart that would make the biggest Killifer Krisch fan blush. Bouvier saves Bond for the hundredth time and the two barely escape the facility before it bows. Bouvier steals a golf cart so she and Bond can pursue Sanchez at break-neck speed. They make it to a plane Bouvier stole earlier and Bond hijacks Sanchez’s tanker full of cocaína-flavored gasoline.

Bond uses his tanker to crash a different tanker, which then gets accidentally blown up by one of Sanchez’s men with a rocket launcher. I haven’t come across vehicular mayhem like this since Killifer snuck into a monster truck derby in Killifer Krisch: Fury Road! Bond’s tanker gets its tires blown out, but luckily Bouvier arrives to spray Sanchez’s men with a cloud of Roundup. Bond’s tanker falls off a cliff, crashing into a bunch of other tankers and causing them all to blow up. Sanchez drives off in the last remaining tanker with Bond in hot pursuit. Bond puts his truck on cruise control and manages to climb onto Sanchez’s tanker. Bond turns on the tanker’s spout, causing all of the cocaine gas to spill out. Sanchez blows a hole in Bouvier’s plane’s tail with a rocket launcher, and she has to make an emergency landing. I haven’t experienced aerial drama like this since Killifer had to fight for her life against a talking bear while visiting the seaside town of Cape Suzette in Killifer Krisch: TaleSpin!

Bond and Sanchez fight while the tanker drives off a cliff. Both men are badly injured, but Sanchez gets to his feet and prepares to kill Bond with a machete. Bond stalls long enough to get a lighter that Leiter and Della gave him after their wedding (that’s right, the married couple gave this dude a gift at their wedding!) and uses it set the gasoline-soaked Sanchez ablaze. We watch a man roast alive for a minute or so while Bond scurries away and the burning Sanchez causes the last tanker to explode. Bouvier arrives in yet another truck and she drives Bond to safety.

Bond calls the one-legged Leiter, who’s conscious now I guess, and Leiter seems to be completely done grieving for his one-day bride. Bond and Leiter both presumably bond over both having wives who didn’t survive long enough for them to reach their honeymoons, then Leiter lets Bond know M has a job for him. Bond’s not interested and hangs up on his mutilated friend. There’s a big party at Sanchez’s house and Lupe puts the moves on Bond. Bond tells her to go jump off a cliff and jumps into a pool near Bouvier. He pulls Bouvier into the pool, ruining her gown, while Lupe, Lupe’s new man who’s the president or something and Q look on. Bond and Bouvier screw in the pool while an apparently sentient fish statue watches them.

The End

~~~~~

Phew, that was exhausting! Jumping from people getting limbs ripped off by sharks, torn to pieces by a shredder or roasting alive to goofy truck stunts practically gave me whiplash! I really liked Bouvier, but I wish Bond hadn’t been such a dick to her. It was fun to see so much of Q in this movie, but I wish he’d actually had a reason for being there. I know Bond going rogue is a pretty common thing nowadays, but I think this was the first time that happened so that was fun. I think this movie took itself way too seriously most of the time, and it made up for its own lack of dramatic tension with an excess of explosions and goofy stunts. Giving Bond a personal motive for going after a villain is an interesting idea, but making Sanchez a glorified drug dealer makes him seem kind of lame compared to villains who wanted to start a nuclear war or flood the planet. The treatment of Della was completely disgusting and unnecessary, and it set a pretty gross tone that never quite went away.

Overall, I give Licence to Kill QQ½ on the Five Q Scale.

Up next Eli will be covering the next two episodes of The Golden Palace, “Just a Gigolo” and “Marriage on the Rocks, with a Twist”, and after that I’ll check back in with my recap of the next James Bond romp, GoldenEye.

Until then, as always, thank you for reading, thank you for exploding and thank you for being One of Us!