#picture me. age 13. spending an entire twenty minutes not doing homework but instead staring out the window

[thevegetablewhichnoonedaresname]

middle school is too early to be exposing kids who think too much to the existential pit that is the concepts of zero, infinity, non-integers, and so forth

[morningfears]

Morning Fears [Chapter Two]

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Charlotte Harper met Dylan Hemmings her freshman year of college when the two girls were randomly assigned to be roommates. With Dylan came her father, Luke. Charlotte never expected Dylan to become her best friend and she certainly never expected her small crush on Luke to become anything more. But when Dylan left her alone at their graduation party and Luke offered to take Charlotte home, their lives changed. | This is an AU in which Luke is a single father (aged 40/41) and Charlotte is a recent college graduate (22).

Word Count: 9.2k

A/N: Even if you’ve read Morning Light, this is completely different! This is a brand new chapter so please read!

CHAPTER ONE | CHAPTER THREE

Charlotte had never been one to sleep in.

On days that she had to work, she always set an alarm for five to ensure that she had time to lie in bed and stare at her ceiling, mustering the willpower to get out of bed and face the day. She was out of bed by five-thirty, brushing her teeth and climbing out of the shower by six. She always left her clothes for the next day hanging on her closet door, ready for her to grab the moment she finished her makeup, and she made sure to be dressed and made up by eight. Breakfast was always a pressed juice that every single one of her friends made fun of her for and she sipped it at her desk after arriving at the office thirty minutes before everyone else.

On days that she didn’t work, she set an alarm for nine but was awake by seven-thirty, anyway. She spent a little longer lounging in bed, wouldn’t roll out from between her sheets until eight-thirty, but she never fell back asleep after her initial awakening. She would do yoga, shove the coffee table in her living room to the side and spend an hour sweating and mentally telling herself that she should just run instead, before she showered and spent the rest of her day working on homework or, if the day permitted, binging something she’d already watched a million times before.

Regardless, Charlotte had a routine.

She always woke up alone, always woke up early, and often had at least thirty minutes of lounging until any residual anxiety from the night before or about the upcoming days hit her. She often had a few minutes of peace until the reality of life set in and she valued those moments more than anything.

However, the feeling of Luke’s fingers brushing her bare shoulders, his skin warm against hers, pulled her from her restless sleep. She realized, instantly, that she was not alone in her bed and she could tell by the light filtering into her bedroom that it was far past time for her to be awake. The anxiety that she had felt before falling into a light, fitful sleep, returned full force and almost knocked the breath from her lungs as Luke brushed errant strands of her hair from the nape of her neck.

She remained still for a moment, careful not to alert Luke to her consciousness, before she released a deep breath and turned her head to face him. Luke had a soft smile on his lips, an unfamiliar warmth to his eyes, and the sight of him bathed in the golden morning light made her breath catch in her throat as she stared at him. He was propped on an elbow, golden curls mussed from sleep, and he looked so beautiful that Charlotte couldn’t quite help the feeling of awe that settled over her. The morning light looked as if it was made for him, soft and warm and perfect, and the thought of this ever happening again forced a shaky breath from Charlotte’s lungs.

“Good morning,” Luke whispered as his hand moved from the nape of her neck to her cheek, his thumb gently brushing her cheekbone, “how’d you sleep?”

Charlotte knew that she should be honest with him. She knew that she should tell him that her thoughts had run away with her and that she hadn’t slept at all. She knew that she should tell him that guilt had swirled in the pit of her stomach all night, gnawing at her and leaving her on the verge of a panic attack, but she didn’t. Instead, she decided to paint a pretty picture and tell him how she wished she’d slept.

In keeping with the morning, Charlotte whispered, “I’ve never been able to share a bed. It’s always put me on edge to have someone next to me. I’ve always been afraid of waking them up or them waking me up or invading their space, I guess. But it felt different with you. I’m not overly anxious to get you out of my bed.”

That much was true. Luke’s presence beside her in bed felt comfortable. It felt like he belonged in the empty space on the left side of her bed. Though her night had been filled with anxiety and dread, discomfort and guilt, the soft snores that Luke released had been reassuring rather than annoying. The weight of his arm draped over her side felt grounding rather than suffocating. His presence had been felt but that wasn’t a source of her anxiety.

She hadn’t spent the night completely rigid, terrified of even breathing lest she wake him. She had remained acutely aware of his presence but she hadn’t minded it at all. Having him sleeping beside her had felt natural and that thought scared the hell out of her. It flooded her mind with images of waking up next to Luke morning after morning, of her bed becoming theirs, and it made her want the night to be real. It made her want the night to mean more but, after spending the night contemplating every possible outcome, she wasn’t so sure that that was much of a possibility.

Luke smiled at her, the same smile he’d given her the first time she’d laughed at one of his jokes, and she wanted to melt into the covers as he beamed at her. “I’m honored that you don’t want to kick me out of your bed,” he teased, his tone light, though she could see the hesitance in his eyes. He paused for a moment, the uncertainty clear on his face in the golden morning light, before he breathed, “I haven’t spent the night with anyone in a long time. I wasn’t sure how it would feel.” Luke hesitated, his lips barely parted and his hand stilling on her cheek, before he added, “It felt comfortable, being with you."

The hope that blossomed in Charlotte’s chest frightened her. She wanted nothing more than to tell him that she’d gladly let him spend every night with her, that the left side of her bed was his as long as he wanted it, but she didn’t. She bit her tongue, despite her overwhelming desire to love him and be loved in return, because she was afraid. 

She was afraid that he didn’t mean that in the way she so desperately wanted him to. She was afraid that he was playing into her fantasies, giving her what she wanted because he felt sorry for her. She was afraid that he was using her, taking whatever she would give him in hopes of relieving his boredom or satisfying some midlife crisis. She was afraid that he’d wake up one day, realizing that she was only twenty-two and that he could do better than some recent college graduate with no life experience who still has to call her mother for advice on how to live like an adult.

More than anything, though, she was afraid that Dylan would find out.

Realistically, Charlotte knew that Dylan ending their friendship would turn her world upside down. Despite her initial fear that she and Dylan wouldn’t get along, the pair of them became closer than either imagined. Dylan was Charlotte’s constant, her person, her confidant; losing her would mean the end of her stability and possibly her sanity. She didn’t know what she would do without Dylan in her life and knowing that pursuing Luke would mean jeopardizing that friendship stopped Charlotte in her tracks.

What was worse, though, was the idea that pursuing a relationship with Luke could ruin Luke and Dylan’s relationship.

Charlotte had always admired Luke and Dylan’s relationship. She had never gotten on well with her own father, had never really gotten on with her family at all, so to see Luke and Dylan get along so well always made her happy. They genuinely loved one another, were happy to spend time together, and wanted to be a part of one another’s lives. Charlotte didn’t want to be the reason that their relationship took a hit.

Charlotte had always been easily overwhelmed, had always allowed her feelings to get the better of her even when they shouldn’t, but she’d always been good at hiding her anxiety behind an easy smile. She didn’t want to let Luke know what was going on in her head, didn’t want him to know just how much of a mess their night had made of her mind, so she painted on a smile and hoped that he couldn’t read her as she hummed her agreement.

However, Luke had managed to learn a good deal about Charlotte in the time that he’d known her. He had managed to learn the quirks and the ticks, the little gestures that were worth more than a thousand words. He had learned to read her like a book and he could pinpoint the moment that her real smile, a soft curve of her lips, melted into a fake one. He wanted to tug her closer, brush his fingers over her bare back in a way that he hoped would be soothing, and ask her to tell him what she was thinking. He wanted to know, wanted to help, but they’d both already shared too much.

Just by the situation they were in, Luke could guess what was going on in her mind. He could guess that her mind was racing with thoughts of him, of Dylan, of the future. He could guess that because for him, it was very much the same.

While he hadn’t been one to overthink in decades, the entire experience had his mind racing with what-ifs and thoughts of the future. He wondered what would happen if Dylan found out. He wondered if anything more could come of this or if it was stupid of him to even want that. He wondered if Charlotte regretted the night.

A pang of guilt settled in the pit of his stomach as Luke decided to let Charlotte think she’d tricked him. He realized that they were both already in far too deep and spilling more emotions would make whatever they shared real. Being vulnerable would ground the situation in reality and Luke wasn’t sure if either of them really wanted that.

So, instead of telling Charlotte that he could see the worry in her eyes, he let her think that her smile looked real and that he couldn’t see the tears lining her lashes. He decided that it would be easier that way, letting her hide behind a false pillar of strength, but what he couldn’t decide if that was easier for her or for him.

The pair of them fell silent for a long moment, both simply staring at one another in the silence of Charlotte’s bedroom, and attempted to commit the moment to memory. Neither of them knew if this would happen again, neither knew if they even truly wanted this to happen again, so they reveled in the moment before Luke reluctantly glanced away from Charlotte’s face and over at the alarm clock on her nightstand.

When he noticed that the time was nearing nine, he frowned and returned his gaze to her face. “As comfortable as your bed is and as much as I’d love to lie here with you all day,” he began quietly, his voice a barely there whisper in the comfort of Charlotte’s room and his heart sinking as he realized that their relationship was likely over before it could even begin, “you should get on the road before your parents start to worry. I know your mom likes for you to leave as early as you can.” Luke decided to give her an out, a way to get rid of him without actually having to kick him out herself, but, again, he wasn’t sure if it was more for her sake or his. “I need to make a dent in that mountain of paperwork you so kindly reminded me of last night.”

Charlotte felt a bitter pang of disappointment burn the back of her throat as the small part of her that wanted Luke to comfort her, to tell her that everything would be alright and to help her navigate what she was feeling, felt that he was brushing her off. The rational portion of her brain, however, told her that he was right. She still needed to finish packing and she knew that her phone would be buzzing with texts and calls from her mother sooner rather than later. She also knew that he really did have work to finish and, even though he didn’t mention it, she knew that he had brunch with Dylan and Alex planned for later in the morning.

So, she swallowed the lump in her throat that felt like rejection and nodded. “You should get started on that mountain before it takes over your office,” she agreed half-heartedly as she gently untangled herself from Luke’s grip and sat up. She gathered the sheet and covered her bare chest as she glanced over at her cell phone. “I’m sure my mom’s already called a few times to ask me where I am, anyway.”

Luke nodded in understanding as he slipped out of her bed. She tried not to look at him as he searched for his underwear, tried not to sigh at the sight of his thighs, but she found herself sneaking glances at him as she sat in the middle of her bed. She remained covered only by the sheet as Luke tugged on his clothes from the night before and, when he turned back to face her, Charlotte was reminded of exactly why she’d wanted to bring him home.

She’d always found Luke so beautiful, kind and warm and beyond anything she’d ever dreamt of, and seeing him standing in the golden morning light made her heart beat that much faster. And when Luke caught sight of her, effortlessly beautiful with messy hair and sleepy eyes, he wanted nothing more than to strip back down and climb back into bed with her to waste the day. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, hold her tight, and keep them both in a bubble of happiness for as long as he was allowed. However, he knew that he couldn’t. He knew that if he stayed, it was over. He’d be more fucked for her than he already was and he felt guilty enough knowing that he had just slept with his daughter’s best friend.

He didn’t know how much more he could handle.

So, instead of returning to bed and coddling her, instead of making her happy and showing her the love that she deserved, he pressed a kiss to her forehead and told her to have a safe trip. He reminded her to let Dylan know when she made it, just to be safe, and was out the door before either of them could change their minds.

The lump in Charlotte’s throat that had felt like rejection before was joined by the burn of humiliation as she chastised herself for thinking that he could ever want anything more. She felt stupid, wondering how she’d let herself fall into the fantasy and feel so much so quickly. She hated thinking that he was going to stay with her, that life was a fairy tale and that things were going to work out, but she refused to let herself cry.

Though she knew that she’d missed multiple calls from her mother and that she needed to get on the road as soon as she could, she stared blankly at her bedroom door for far too long. She felt defeated, kicked and broken, as she realized that there was never a chance that this would have worked. Rationally, she understood that she had been stupidly optimistic, naive, and hopelessly romantic but that didn’t dull the ache in her chest.

She wanted to be happy with Luke more than anything and to have a taste of it, only for it to be ripped away, felt like a cruel trick of fate. However, as she gripped at the duvet and bit back tears, she realized that she had brought it upon herself. She had jumped in headfirst, not really caring about the repercussions. She had given in to her base desires, had chosen to enjoy a night of indulging her fantasy instead of thinking rationally, but as she stared up at her ceiling she realized that the ache in her chest could’ve been avoided had she just taken a moment.

She had always been so careful, so eager to keep herself together and to think through every decision no matter how painful the process was or how crazy it drove her. The one time she abandoned that, the one time she decided to live impulsively, she felt her world crash around her and the weight of her decision settle on her chest like a stack of bricks.

The one thing she should’ve carefully considered, the one thing she should’ve weighed again and again, is the one that she chose to leap into blindly and Charlotte released a huff of frustration as she felt her hands begin to shake. Thinking about it wouldn’t do her any good, worrying about it would only leave her in tears,  and she had an entire drive home to drive herself insane. So she wallowed for a moment, let herself be dramatic, before she threw back her covers, staggered out of bed, and blindly grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt from her dresser to change into after her shower.

She spent far longer in the shower than she planned, staring at the wall and willing herself not to think about anything other than the route she planned to take home, and didn’t notice when the water turned frigid. The stinging droplets made no difference to her, she really didn’t care about how any of it felt, and only shut off the water when the chattering of her teeth snapped her back to reality. Although her apartment was already warm, the air having been turned up so it wouldn’t waste electricity while she was gone, goosebumps covered her arms as she dried off automatically.

Her cell phone screen showed four missed calls from her mother, three text messages (all with some variation of, “Text me when you leave, Charlotte,”), and a Snapchat message from Dylan. She ignored the calls, ignored the Snap, and only sent a quick, “Leaving now,” to appease her mother as she shoved her feet into a pair of beat-up Vans and grabbed her cell-phone charger from her nightstand. The things that she hadn’t packed, she knew that she could just buy or steal from her sister. She didn’t worry about packing her makeup bag or anything nicer than a pair of jeans without holes in them. Instead, she picked up the bag she’d hastily packed the day before and shut off all the lights in her apartment before she descended the stairs and settled into her car for the nearly four-hour journey home.

Across town, Luke had managed to make it back to his home in nearly record time. He’d texted Dylan at a red light, let her know that he’d be a little late to brunch, and hadn’t even looked at her reply. If he had, he would’ve realized that she would be waiting for him in his living room with Alex in tow and he could’ve at least pulled on a jacket to pretend that he hadn’t spent the night elsewhere. However, he had other things on his mind and he hadn’t even noticed Alex’s car.

His mind was clouded with thoughts of the night and a bitter pang of regret filled his stomach as he realized that he shouldn’t have left things like that. He knew Charlotte well enough to know that she would worry herself sick over what happened. He knew her well enough to know that the night would haunt her until they talked about it. He knew that leaving was a cowardly thing to do but he wasn’t sure what to tell her.

He had never had any doubts about how Charlotte felt about him. He had known about her feelings for him since the moment the pair of them met. The bush that tinted her cheeks whenever he was around, the nervous giggles and shy smiles; it had been cute at the time. But as she spent more time with him, as she became a bigger part of Dylan’s life and, by association, his life, the feelings grew to be more than a schoolgirl crush and Luke knew that, too.

A part of him regrets not gently letting her down early on. However, he’d enjoyed the attention. It was cute and his relationships never really seemed to work the way he wanted so to have someone think so highly of him made him feel desired. To have someone so interested in him as a person, not for his money or his looks (though he was well aware of just how attractive Charlotte found him), was a rarity and Luke reveled in it. He began to play into her fantasy, to tease and encourage, and it had been fun.

While it had been fun, though, things had gotten complicated somewhere along the line.

Luke didn’t know how he felt about Charlotte. He liked her. He wanted to see her happy. But could he love her?

If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t know if he could.

His love life had been complicated since his late teens. He spent years loving someone who he wasn’t sure ever really loved him back and he never really wanted to open his heart to that kind of pain again. After Anna, Dylan’s mother, left him, he hadn’t let anyone else in. His relationships had been short, brief flings with women who kept him occupied but never stirred many emotions, and it drained him.

He wanted to settle down, wanted to open his heart again, but could he do that with Charlotte?

He spent the drive thinking about her.

Luke had felt things for Charlotte that he hadn’t felt for anyone in decades. He felt alive with her, like he could breathe, and it scared the living daylights out of him. He never wanted anyone to have that kind of power over him and putting that power in the hands of a twenty-two year old, his daughter’s best friend, seemed insane. He’d always heard stories of meeting someone and just knowing, knowing that they would have an impact on your life whether you wanted them to or not, and he questioned why it had to be her.

He knew that being with her would be hard. Dylan wouldn’t like it, Charlotte’s family would hate it, his family would hate it, his friends would wonder if he was having a midlife crisis. Their relationship would be difficult because their lives had been so different. There was really nothing about them that could even be sort of easy.

But being with her, spending the night together, made him feel that if he let go and gave himself to her wholly, maybe he could love her.

Love is never easy.

Luke’s mind continued to race as he stepped into his home. He didn’t hear the low hum of the television, didn’t hear the quiet conversation Alex and Dylan had been having, but he did hear Dylan’s exclamation of, “Dad! Is that your outfit from last night?”

“Don’t shame your dad,” Alex laughed as Luke’s head snapped up and he glanced at the couple on his couch. “He’s an adult. He can sleep with whoever he wants.”

Dylan stared blankly at him for a moment, her mouth slightly parted, before she wrinkled her nose and shoved his shoulder. “Gross,” she huffed. “I was thinking he went to his office and worked all night. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“Oh, come on, D,” Alex laughed as he tugged his fiancé closer and shook his head. “That lady at the bar was all over him. And that’s definitely sex hair,” he pointed out before he turned to Luke. “We don’t have to be at the restaurant until eleven so we’re cool with hanging out here while you shower and stuff. Unless you want us to leave. Then we can go ahead and just meet you there.”

Luke heard Dylan mumble something about not wanting to know anything about his sex life and, while he would usually banter with Alex, he wholeheartedly seconded Dylan’s statement. The pair of them had always been close, he’d always shared whenever she asked, but now that Charlotte was involved, he thought it best to change the subject entirely.

“I won’t be long,” he assured them both, barely able to look at Dylan without feeling a pang of guilt bubbling in the pit of his stomach, “you can wait down here. I’ll drive.”

Luke heard them both mumble their agreement, Alex declaring that he wanted bacon more than anything, and he turned to climb the stairs to his bedroom before Dylan stopped him in his tracks. “Dad,” she called, her voice loud in the quiet of the house, “did Charlotte seem upset last night? I totally forgot that we were supposed to give her a ride home and I’ve bailed on her a few times lately and I feel awful. She hasn’t Snapped me back or told me she’s leaving for home and I feel like she’s mad at me.”

Luke blinked, surprised that Charlotte hadn’t returned Dylan’s messages, and shook his head. “She seemed fine. Annoyed with her parents but not at you. She’s probably just stressed about going home. Give her time,” he encouraged, forcing his voice to remain steady as he realized that Charlotte was probably ignoring Dylan’s messages because of him.

Dylan huffed a deep sigh before she hummed her agreement. “Yeah,” she mumbled, returning her head to Alex’s shoulder as she turned to face the television. “You’re probably right. She was super bummed about her parents leaving early. And she’s kind of upset because they made such a big deal out of her keeping perfect grades and stuff and no one has really made a big deal out of her graduating with those perfect grades. Like, they just kind of brushed it under the rug. I know they’re her parents but they kind of suck.” Dylan paused for a moment, her face clouded with a mixture of emotion, before she added, “I know this is kind of a shitty takeaway but I really appreciate you, dad. I love you.”

Luke closed his eyes and released a quiet, shaky breath before he returned Dylan’s words with an, “I love you, too, sweetheart,” of his own. Though he didn’t think he could feel any lower, he ascended the stairs before Dylan could continue speaking. He didn’t want to hear her praise or her love, he didn’t feel like he deserved them in that moment, and he knew that he might break if she were to share anymore.

As he showered, he contemplated reaching out to Charlotte. He wondered if he should ask her to meet with him, if he should ask her to give him a call when she got back into town, but he ultimately decided that whatever happened should happen on her terms. If she wanted to talk things out, he would. If she wanted him to leave her alone, he would. He wanted her to be the one in control of their situation no matter how he felt because, ultimately, he had begun to realize that he would do whatever she asked of him and that thought alone shook him to his core.

Downstairs, Dylan and Alex sat on the couch as they waited for Luke to shower and change. Alex noticed Dylan staring at her cellphone and carefully plucked the device from between her fingers. “Relax, D,” he mumbled as he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. “Lottie’ll text you back when she can. She probably got an early start this morning and didn’t want to wake you with a text. She’s not pissed at you. You guys have been through so much that it’ll take more than you forgetting a few things to fuck up your friendship.”

“I know,” Dylan whined as she buried her head against Alex’s shoulder. “I just feel like something’s wrong. She’s never just not texted me or replied to my Snaps. She should be complaining about her family by now. And dad is being weird, too! He wouldn’t even look at me this morning. Everyone is being weird and I don’t like it.”

“Your dad was embarrassed that you caught him in a walk of shame,” Alex laughed as he shook his head. “That’s not weird, D. That’s pretty normal. And Lottie’s always in her head but going home fucks with her a little more than usual. Give her time and then reach out again. It’ll all be fine, okay? She knows you love her.”

Though Charlotte did, in fact, know that Dylan loved her, she couldn’t help but think that she wouldn’t want anything to do with her if she found out about the night she spent with Luke. She knew that she had betrayed Dylan’s trust, knew that things would never be the same even if she and Luke could somehow pretend that the night had never happened, and the harder she thought about it, the more anxious she became.

As Charlotte drove to her parent’s house, her mind barely on the journey at all as she navigated the familiar streets almost on auto-pilot, she could feel herself beginning to panic. The tears that had threatened to fall following Luke’s departure from her apartment were quickly returning and she decided that she needed a moment to breathe. She knew that she was overreacting, knew that she was letting her thoughts get the better of her and that she needed to snap out of it, but she couldn’t help herself. As she stopped at a red light, she re-routed her GPS to the nearest gas station and pulled off to the side to just breathe.

She sat in her car, a song that she couldn’t recall the name of even if she tried drowned out by her sobs, and mentally chided herself for being so dramatic. She knew that this was counterproductive, knew that she had brought this upon herself by choosing to sleep with Luke, but she couldn’t help it. Her feelings were all over the place, her heart felt shattered, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up beneath a heavy blanket and nap until she felt nothing.

Instead, she sat alone in her car with tears tracking down her cheeks and strangers giving her sideways glances from the safety of their own vehicles as they passed her by. She was on the way to her parents’ house to spend a week, miserable and longing to be anywhere but there, and the thought of having to brave her family made her cry that much harder.

Charlotte let herself sob for a long moment, let herself feel the burn as her lungs couldn’t seem to get enough air, before the vibrating of her cellphone snapped her back to reality. She spotted Dylan’s name on the screen, a plea for Charlotte to let her know when she made it home safely covered the lock screen photo of the two of them, and Charlotte quickly placed the device on ‘Do Not Disturb’ without thinking.

She didn’t want to face Dylan, not now, and she certainly didn’t want to face her parents. However, out of the two, she supposed that at least her parents wouldn’t try to ask what was wrong with her.

She fumbled in the center console, searching for a packet of tissues, and wiped her face. She abandoned all hope of looking normal, her eyes were far too red and swollen for her to come back from, so she slipped a pair of sunglasses over her them and grabbed her wallet. She left her cellphone in the console, facedown and on silent, and loaded her hands with junk food. She didn’t return the cashier’s greet and felt so guilty for having taken her mood out on him that she almost went back inside and bid the girl a nice day. However, she didn’t want to dwell and the sooner she got back on the road, the sooner she could get home and pretend that her life outside of her family didn’t exist.

In Los Angeles, Dylan stared at her cell phone and frowned at the lack of response she got from Charlotte. It wasn’t like Charlotte to ignore messages, not from her, especially when she was headed home to spend a week with her family. Dylan knew that she was overreacting, she never worried like this, but the guilt from standing Charlotte up and being an absentee friend made her worry a little more than usual.

“Are you sure Lottie was okay last night?” Dylan asked Luke as she, him, and Alex sat on the patio of a restaurant they frequented.

“Dylan, Lottie is fine,” Alex stressed as he breathed a heavy sigh and shook his head. “She’s probably driving or maybe she’s home already and her mom has her running errands. Or, even if she is ignoring you, she’ll get over it in a few days. Send her a cookie or some flowers or something when she gets back to the city. You guys have survived worse, babe. It’ll be fine.”

When Dylan looked at him, Luke did his best to look her in the eye and nod his agreement. “Alex is right, sweetheart,” he agreed quietly. “Whatever it is, it’ll be fine. Just give her some time. You guys are going to a cake tasting today, right? Any ideas on the flavors yet?”

Luke knew it was a cheap trick, knew that he should assure Dylan and maybe check on Charlotte himself, but he couldn’t bring himself to pick up his phone. Even though he had her number, he knew he was the last person she wanted to hear from. He saw the look of disappointment on her face when he’d left. He knew that she’d wanted more, that his leaving had hurt her, and he didn’t want to be an asshole and send her a text. He honestly didn’t even know what he could send that wouldn’t be considered dick-ish. 

‘Hey, my daughter is freaking out that you’re mad at her when I know you’re worried that she’ll be mad at you. Mind texting her back so she’ll calm down? Thanks.’

He cringed thinking about it and attempted to look like he was listening to Alex explain his idea for his groom’s cake while Dylan rolled her eyes at the more outlandish plans. He needed to get himself together, to pretend that everything was fine just so he could look Dylan in the eye, but every time she expressed her worry for Charlotte, his heart sank a little more and the guilt threatened to swallow him whole.

Luke was pleased with himself when he managed to keep Dylan off the subject of Charlotte for the entirety of their brunch. He was pleased when she and Alex left without another mention of Charlotte’s name. However, when he climbed into his car and stared at his own cellphone, he could still feel the guilt swirling in the pit of his stomach. He knew that he needed to talk to someone, anyone,  so he made the decision to give Ashton, the only friend he knew wouldn’t bullshit him, a call.

“Are you busy today?” Luke asked Ashton before his friend could even get a greeting out.

“No,” Ashton assured him as he dropped his pen and pushed away from his desk. He had been in his office, determined to finish the last of a torturous amount of paperwork, but as he listened to Luke heave a heavy breath, he knew that work could wait. He could hear the tone of Luke’s voice, realized that something was wrong, and knew exactly why he was calling. “You want to talk now or meet for a drink?”

“It’s noon, Ash,” Luke reminded him as he leaned his head against the headrest and stared at the roof of his car. He was quiet for a moment, his eyes fixated on a single spot, before he mumbled, “That taproom we went to a few weeks ago should be open.”

“I’ll meet you there.”

Luke had always appreciated his friendship with Ashton. Though the pair were only a few years apart in age, Ashton had always been something of an older brother since meeting him in college. It was true that Luke had a brother of his own, a biological brother who he loved wholeheartedly, but Ashton had become just as much a part of his family and Luke knew that he could count on him whenever he needed guidance. He knew that Ashton would be kind, that he wouldn’t ridicule him or make him feel worse about himself, but he also knew that Ashton would tell him the truth.

There was no one that Luke trusted more for advice.

True to his word, Ashton was waiting by the door when Luke arrived. Luke could tell by his clothes that he’d come from his office and he felt guilty for pulling him away from work. The last thing he wanted to do was disrupt anyone’s day but he knew that Ashton wouldn’t be too angry at him, not for that, anyway.

Neither of them mentioned Luke’s call as they entered the taproom and ordered their drinks. Ashton glanced at Luke out of the corner of his eye, his worry getting the better of him, as the pair of them stood at the bar. Luke looked like he hadn’t really slept (he hadn’t, Ashton would soon find out) and he looked more contemplative than Ashton had seen him in a long while. He didn’t know what had brought this on but, if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out.

It wasn’t like Luke to get so worked up so Ashton knew it had to be bad to have him in this state.

“So, you want to talk or do you want to drink first?” Ashton asked as they took a seat at a table on the empty patio. 

Ashton had offered to sit at the bar, had even gestured to a booth that the pair of them sat in with Michael and Calum not even two weeks ago, but Luke hadn’t wanted anyone to overhear them. So, they sat under a too-big patio umbrella and Ashton watched as Luke stared down at his beer.

Ashton knew better than to push. He knew that Luke would speak when ready so he took a sip of his beer and glanced around the outdoor space. Though it was only May, summer felt like it was already in full bloom and he knew they were in for a long one. The flowers looked to be in desperate need of water and his beer was getting warm much quicker than it usually did. He had been contemplating doing yoga outdoors, his fiancé really enjoyed that, but he figured it would be too warm for either of them to be outside.

“I fucked up.”

Luke’s voice broke Ashton from his thoughts and he blinked, surprised at Luke’s choice of words, before he frowned and tilted his head. “How did you fuck up?”

Luke hesitated for a moment, his eyes still glued to his beer, before he sighed and mumbled, “I slept with Charlotte.”

Ashton paused. He knew that Luke had been hesitant about sleeping with someone he wasn’t committed to but he didn’t realize why Luke was so upset over sleeping with someone. It was normal, he was no longer the twenty-something who had a young child to care for. And Ashton almost told him as much but stopped in his tracks when the realization of why that name sounded so familiar hit him.

“…Charlotte? Luke, do you mean the Charlotte that I think you mean?”

“Yeah,” Luke sighed before he took a gulp of his beer and shook his head. “Twenty-two year old, recent college graduate, my daughter’s best friend. That Charlotte.”

Ashton blinked at Luke’s admission and could understand exactly why Luke felt that he had fucked up. It was rare to render Ashton speechless but Luke’s admission had done just that. Ashton wasn’t sure what to say, he wasn’t sure what he could say, so he he nodded as a gesture for Luke to continue speaking.

“Dylan left her at the party last night. I drove her home. She invited me in and I should’ve said no but I didn’t. I should’ve stopped it before things went that far but I didn’t. I stayed the night and I left without even talking to her about it. I mean, I said goodbye but we didn’t talk about what happened last night. She looked so fucking heartbroken when I left, Ash. And she’s not answering Dylan’s messages.” Luke paused for a moment, took another sip of his beer, before he added, “Dylan was at my place this morning when I got home and she knows I spent the night with someone last night.”

“Jesus, Luke,” Ashton finally breathed, his voice quiet as he shook his head. “Okay. You slept with Charlotte, you left her, and now she’s avoiding Dylan?” When Luke nodded, Ashton reached for his beer. “Okay, you fucked up.” When Luke fixed him with an unimpressed stare, Ashton shook his head. “No, you don’t get to be annoyed with me. You slept with someone the same age as your child, someone who is friends with your child, and did you even think about it before you did it?” Luke slumped in his chair and Ashton took that as a negative answer.

“What is your plan here? Are you just going to hope that Dylan never finds out? Are you just going to let Charlotte worry herself sick over this? Are you going to pretend that nothing happened and pretend that everything is okay when you see her again?”

It sounded so much worse when Ashton put it like that but, yes. That was what Luke had been planning on doing.

He had planned on keeping the truth from Dylan. He had planned on letting Charlotte feel whatever she was feeling so that she could move on. He wanted her to hate him. He wanted her to be pissed off at him. He wanted her to move on and he knew that hurting her would be the quickest way to do that. He planned on pretending that nothing was different when he saw her at Dylan’s rehearsal dinner or at the wedding. He planned on not seeing her without Dylan and a crowd of others around the pair of them.

He planned on letting her take the brunt of the emotional damage and pretending that everything was fine.

But when Ashton fixed him with a less than impressed stare, Luke could only shrug.

“I love you,” Ashton assured Luke as he returned his beer to the table and folded his arms across his chest, “I really do. You’re my brother. But that is bullshit and you know it. I don’t like playing this card but imagine if someone did to Dylan what you’re doing to Charlotte. Imagine if Dylan slept with Cal, for instance, and he knew that she was head over heels for him. Then he came in, they slept together, and he just fucked off. That wouldn’t make you very happy, would it?” When Luke didn’t respond, Ashton sighed and shook his head. “I’m not saying you took advantage of Charlotte because I think everyone knows how she feels about you and I do believe she wanted to sleep with you but, man, you knew how she felt about you going in. You know exactly what leaving her alone to think about this is going to do and if you don’t reach out, whatever happens with her and Dylan or with you and Dylan or with you and her is on you.”

That was the last thing that Luke wanted to hear.

He had wanted Ashton to tell him to give her space, to give her time to process her feelings, but Luke realized that was the worst option of the bunch. He knew that he needed to reach out to her, to assure her that he hadn’t just wanted to sleep with her and that it had meant something, but the thought of acknowledging that this meant something terrified him.

And when Ashton asked, “How do you feel about her? What did any of it mean to you?” Luke only wished he could answer him.

Charlotte’s only confidant was Dylan. Whenever things went wrong, Dylan was the first person she reached out to and she wanted nothing more than to spill every thought on her mind. She needed guidance, needed someone to tell her to calm the fuck down and take a moment to breathe, but she couldn’t tell Dylan anything. She knew that she would end up spilling who had fucked with her head so badly the moment Dylan asked and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

So, instead of taking her phone off Do Not Disturb, Charlotte left the device in the console of her car and thanked whatever deity was listening that her parents weren’t home when she arrived. She knew that she looked like she’d spent the entire drive crying (she had) and that she’d worried herself to the point of picking at her nails and biting her lip. She dragged her bag up the stairs to her bedroom, threw away the note that her parents left telling her that they were picking up her brother from the airport and that they’d bring home takeout for dinner, and left her cellphone in her car as she headed down the street toward the park near her parent’s home.

She knew that it was a shitty move to ignore Dylan, knew that it wasn’t her fault that she’d fucked up and let herself get carried away, but she couldn’t talk to her without breaking down so she knew that time and a little bit of space would be her best option. And if Dylan asked, she could always blame her silence on her parents.

Charlotte wandered down the street to the small park she frequented as a child. It had lost its magic somewhere in her teen years. The park that she once loved had become a place she avoided whenever she came home unless she was overcome by some awful nostalgia that was quickly replaced with annoyance whenever she stepped foot inside the gates but it felt fitting to enter the gates and take a seat on a bench near the entrance of the park.

Charlotte watched as children, finally free for summer break, ran around the park with their friends. She watched parents gossip to one another, laughing at the silly games their kids played and fixing whatever mild inconvenience disturbed the fun as quickly as they could. She watched as older kids, dragged to the park by their parents much as her older siblings had been once upon a time, sat on benches with their phones in hand.

It felt both like coming home, stepping into a piece of her past that she’d forgotten, and overwhelmingly alien, like this was a life she’d only ever dreamt of living. To be entirely fair, everything had felt alien since waking up with Luke beside her in bed and she could only imagine that things would get worse until she confronted her feelings head on. She longed for someone to guide her, someone to help her through the turmoil that filled the pit of her stomach with a violent sea of emotions, but there was no one she trusted enough to talk to.

Her siblings, while they loved her (she imagined), had never been really her siblings. They never really interacted with her unless they had to and she imagined it was because of the age difference. They were already teenagers, unwilling to devote time to a child, by the time she came around and they were out of the house, living their own lives by the time she would’ve been any fun to spend time with. Her parents, well, they never really listened when she spoke, anyway so it wasn’t like talking to them would help. Dylan, the only person that she knew she could trust, was out of the question and she didn’t want to worry her grandmother, the only member of her family that she felt truly cared about her.

Everywhere she looked, Dylan saw a brick wall and only made her feel worse.

She felt alone, afraid of the future, and uncertain of what to do with her life. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice another person take a seat beside her until a quiet voice greeted her.

“Mrs. Baker,” Charlotte mumbled, blinking beneath her sunglasses as she recognized the older woman from a few doors down, “hi. Sorry, I was in my head.”

“That’s alright, dear,” Mrs. Baker assured her with a smile as she reached out to pat Charlotte’s knee. “I imagine there’s a lot on your mind right now. Getting ready for graduate school, I hear. Congratulations.”

Charlotte smiled, a genuine gesture that she hadn’t imagined she was capable of at that moment, and nodded. “Thank you. Yeah, getting ready for school and stuff. It’s a bit stressful.”

“Just school or is there something else on your mind? I haven’t seen you here in a while,” Mrs. Baker prodded as she kept her gaze on the jungle gym where her grandchildren were playing.

Charlotte knew that she shouldn’t burden Mrs. Baker with her problems, knew that she shouldn’t even allude to them, but she also felt as if she would burst if she didn’t tell someone. She needed help, needed someone to listen, and Mrs. Baker was the closest thing to a confidant she had in that moment.

She hesitated for a moment, weighing her words and wondering exactly how she should phrase her statement, before she sighed. “Just my personal life going to shambles.” When Mrs. Baker glanced at her, curious, Charlotte trained her gaze on her fingernails and shrugged. “I’m really interested in this guy, even though I shouldn’t be,”  she began, as vague as possible, “and I don’t know if I mean anything to him when he means so much to me. And I don’t want to keep dwelling on something that may or may not ever happen but it’s all I can think about. I know that if something does end up happening, I’ll have to deal with the consequences of it in my life and, even if nothing happens, I still have to deal with it.”

Charlotte paused for a moment, biting back the frustrated tears that threatened to fall, and shook her head. “Sorry, Mrs. Baker. That’s so vague. I just… I don’t know. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, dear. You have nothing to be apologetic about,” Mrs. Baker chastised with a shake of her head. “You’re taking a step in the right direction. You don’t have to know everything right now but you do need to process your feelings and figure out what’s happening. Don’t dwell on things that you can’t change, that never helps, but try to figure out what you feel and how you should proceed. You can’t pretend it doesn’t exist, that will only make things worse down the line. But you also can’t let it control your life. Fix what you can, let go of what you can’t. Do not give anyone else power over your life.”

The advice seemed so simple, so common sense, that Charlotte almost hated herself for not having come to that same conclusion. However, she knew that when the more irrational thoughts took hold of her brain, it was hard for her to move past them. She hated that, hated having those thoughts and being that person that constantly needed someone to hold her hand, and she knew that Mrs. Baker was right. Having someone else put things into perspective for her, having someone tell her that she was being irrational and that she needed to calm down, was what she really needed but she knew that she couldn’t have that all the time so she resolved that she would do better.

She would be better.

She smiled at Mrs. Baker again, another thing that had felt impossible only minutes ago, and thanked her. “You make it sound so easy,” Charlotte teased half-heartedly. “Thank you, though. That really is helpful. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I know that whatever ends up happening, I can’t let it bother me like this.”

“You’re a good girl, Charlotte,” Mrs. Baker reminded her with a smile. “You have a strong head on your shoulders and know what you want from life. Don’t let anyone else push you into such a tizzy. Everything will be alright. You just have to give it time. Dwelling on the past doesn’t change it. Channel that negative energy into something positive. Your parents told me you found a job for the summer, right?” When Charlotte nodded, Mrs. Baker copied her action. “Get to work, then,” she hummed happily. “Focus on good things. Everything else will fall into place.”

Charlotte still felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. Her feelings for Luke ran so deep that she couldn’t change them overnight. She knew that there would be days where all she wanted to do was cry and she didn’t even want to think about what would happen when she ran into him again. However, she resolved that she needed to at least pretend to be alright. If she could fake it, if she could not think about it for long enough, she eventually would be fine.

When she returned home, her parents were pulling into the driveway with her older brother, his wife, and their four-year-old crowded into the backseat. Her older sister would be arriving the next morning, the rest of her family on Sunday. She had enough to worry about with them, had enough to stress about when they started in on her, that she didn’t even think to grab her cellphone from the console of her car. If she had, she might’ve seen the dozens of missed calls and texts and Snapchat messages from Dylan.

She might’ve even seen the single text from Luke.

But she didn’t and, if she was being honest with herself, she didn’t want to look. Simply thinking his name filled the pit of her stomach with a slurry of emotions that she didn’t feel like addressing. So, she left it alone and figured that with the morning light would come a new day. She would try harder, be better, and maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

_______________________________________________________________________

Author’s Note: Sorry this is so short. My head hurts and I felt like it was starting to drag.