#pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

[dailybiblelessons]

Saturday: Preparation for the Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

Revised Common Lectionary Proper 12 Roman Catholic Proper 17

Complementary Hebrew Scripture from The Writings: Esther 4:1-17

When Mordecai learned all that had been done, Mordecai tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes, and went through the city, wailing with a loud and bitter cry; he went up to the entrance of the king's gate, for no one might enter the king's gate clothed with sackcloth. In every province, wherever the king's command and his decree came, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting and weeping and lamenting, and most of them lay in sackcloth and ashes.

When Esther's maids and her eunuchs came and told her, the queen was deeply distressed; she sent garments to clothe Mordecai, so that he might take off his sackcloth; but he would not accept them. Then Esther called for Hathach, one of the king's eunuchs, who had been appointed to attend her, and ordered him to go to Mordecai to learn what was happening and why. Hathach went out to Mordecai in the open square of the city in front of the king's gate, and Mordecai told him all that had happened to him, and the exact sum of money that Haman had promised to pay into the king's treasuries for the destruction of the Jews. Mordecai also gave him a copy of the written decree issued in Susa for their destruction, that he might show it to Esther, explain it to her, and charge her to go to the king to make supplication to him and entreat him for her people.

Hathach went and told Esther what Mordecai had said. Then Esther spoke to Hathach and gave him a message for Mordecai, saying, “All the king's servants and the people of the king's provinces know that if any man or woman goes to the king inside the inner court without being called, there is but one law—all alike are to be put to death. Only if the king holds out the golden scepter to someone, may that person live. I myself have not been called to come in to the king for thirty days.” When they told Mordecai what Esther had said, Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not think that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silence at such a time as this, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another quarter, but you and your father's family will perish. Who knows? Perhaps you have come to royal dignity for just such a time as this.” Then Esther said in reply to Mordecai, “Go, gather all the Jews to be found in Susa, and hold a fast on my behalf, and neither eat nor drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will also fast as you do. After that I will go to the king, though it is against the law; and if I perish, I perish.” Mordecai then went away and did everything as Esther had ordered him.

Semi-continuous Hebrew Scripture Lesson from The Twelve Prophets: Hosea 1:11—2:15

The people of Judah and the people of Israel shall be gathered together, and they shall appoint for themselves one head; and they shall take possession of the land, for great shall be the day of Jezreel.

Say to your brother, Ammi, and to your sister, Ruhamah. Plead with your mother, plead–  for she is not my wife,  and I am not her husband– that she put away her whoring from her face,  and her adultery from between her breasts, or I will strip her naked  and expose her as in the day she was born, and make her like a wilderness,  and turn her into a parched land,  and kill her with thirst. Upon her children also I will have no pity,  because they are children of whoredom. For their mother has played the whore;  she who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, “I will go after my lovers;  they give me my bread and my water,  my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.” Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns;  and I will build a wall against her,  so that she cannot find her paths. She shall pursue her lovers,  but not overtake them; and she shall seek them,  but shall not find them. Then she shall say, “I will go  and return to my first husband,  for it was better with me then than now.” She did not know  that it was I who gave her  the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished upon her silver  and gold that they used for Baal. Therefore I will take back  my grain in its time,  and my wine in its season; and I will take away my wool and my flax,  which were to cover her nakedness. Now I will uncover her shame  in the sight of her lovers,  and no one shall rescue her out of my hand. I will put an end to all her mirth,  her festivals, her new moons, her sabbaths,  and all her appointed festivals. I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees,  of which she said, “These are my pay,  which my lovers have given me.” I will make them a forest,  and the wild animals shall devour them. I will punish her for the festival days of the Baals,  when she offered incense to them and decked herself with her ring and jewelry,  and went after her lovers,  and forgot me, says the Lord.

Therefore, I will now allure her,  and bring her into the wilderness,  and speak tenderly to her. From there I will give her her vineyards,  and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she shall respond as in the days of her youth,  as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.

Complementary Psalm 138

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;  before the gods I sing your praise; I bow down toward your holy temple  and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness;  for you have exalted your name and your word  above everything. On the day I called, you answered me,  you increased my strength of soul.

All the kings of the earth shall praise you, O Lord,  for they have heard the words of your mouth. They shall sing of the ways of the Lord,  for great is the glory of the Lord. For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly;  but the haughty he perceives from far away.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,  you preserve me against the wrath of my enemies; you stretch out your hand,  and your right hand delivers me. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;  your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Semi-continuous Psalm 85

Lord, you were favorable to your land;  you restored the fortunes of Jacob. You forgave the iniquity of your people;  you pardoned all their sin. You withdrew all your wrath;  you turned from your hot anger.

Restore us again, O God of our salvation,  and put away your indignation toward us. Will you be angry with us forever?  Will you prolong your anger to all generations? Will you not revive us again,  so that your people may rejoice in you? Show us your steadfast love,  O Lord, and grant us your salvation.

Let me hear what God the Lord will speak,  for he will speak peace to his people,  to his faithful, to those who turn to him in their hearts. Surely his salvation is at hand for those who fear him,  that his glory may dwell in our land.

Steadfast love and faithfulness will meet;  righteousness and peace will kiss each other. Faithfulness will spring up from the ground,  and righteousness will look down from the sky. The Lord will give what is good,  and our land will yield its increase. Righteousness will go before him,  and will make a path for his steps.

New Testament Gospel Lesson: Luke 8:22-25

There are parallel passages at Matthew 8:23-27 and Mark 4:35-41.

One day he got into a boat with his disciples, and he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side of the lake.” So they put out, and while they were sailing he fell asleep. A windstorm swept down on the lake, and the boat was filling with water, and they were in danger. They went to him and woke him up, shouting, “Master, Master, we are perishing!” And he woke up and rebuked the wind and the raging waves; they ceased, and there was a calm. He said to them, “Where is your faith?” They were afraid and amazed, and said to one another, “Who then is this, that he commands even the winds and the water, and they obey him?”

Year C Ordinary 17 Saturday

Selections are from Revised Common Lectionary Daily Readings copyright © 1995 by the Consultation on Common Texts. Unless otherwise indicated, Bible text is from New Revised Standard Version Bible (NRSV) copyright © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Image Credit: Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee by Ludolf Bakhuizen via Wikimedia Commons